How a politician’s daughter escaped an abusive teen relationship | Australian Story

[Music] wow it's so profess Brenda come look at how professional we are take it all in the last few years definitely been a bit of a Juggle I'm most excited about the food but even though it's really hard and it can be really re-traumatizing I I want to be able to use my voice to make changes I still have like 10 more to ride but not for tonight night's presentence with us another H Anna is incredibly motivated she's great at motivating the team she's great at getting things done she's great at helping people thanks for Anna wants to ensure that not one more person experiences even a tenth of what she had to that's right just do um ankles up yes keep going Anna has taken something chaotic and hurtful and meaningless and terrible for herling and turned it into something positive and remarkable but for that this whole thing I think would have fractured our family but because of that it has deepened the love we feel for each other she told me some of the things that had been happening to her in the relationship [Music] sh I mean honestly I wanted to kill him for hurting my child it's no surprise it could happen to our daughter it can happen to [Music] anyone you see what a good cook you are thank you would be good if you come every every day and cook for me the last few years have been really tough on my family and they've been really really supportive is it that or not and you going to put some oil on your fingers I'm very very close with my family um particularly my brothers and my parents Anna this is enough now we put a little bit of oil and do with your fingers okay my grandmother on my mom's side we still go and visit her very regularly she loves to it looks good watching you do it B Michael and I both really value having those close family relationships and if you can cut a little bit off the end that will keep them fresh longer no no not that much just like about 2 cm perfect no I should put some boil nut and do it and do it again you are it's fine are you giving bar some direction on her Str D oh that's a isn't that clever both of us work pretty long hours I'm away from home quite a lot of the year but we try and make sure that there are normal things um for the kids to look forward to I think I've got a close relationship with all three of the kids Anna and I are very close [Music] there when I was younger I loved to go to work with Mom when I went to my first protest I was younger than a year old Tanya was extraordinary she took all three kids with her to CRA oh terrific very excited about the new role yes your Excellency I present The Honorable Tanya Joan PC MP to be Minister for Human Services and Minister for social inclusion my parents have always instilled a sense of um social justice principles in me from a very young age and I've always been really aware of the world around me and the people in it can we get a photo with your family if that's okayy we've raised our kids I hope to be thoughtful independent minded kind and I think Anna has that absolutely in [Music] Spades I was Anna's teacher in in high school for for six years Anna had a really strong sense always of social justice she was actually awarded a not only a principal's award but a a Department of Education award in recognition of her service at a local aged Care Facility she almost singlehandedly ran an international women's day at the school I loved being at high school when I started year 10 everything was going really well for me and towards the end of the year I started my first Teenage relationship he was in another year at a different School the beginning of the relationship was great I felt loved I felt as though he cared about me it didn't seem there was anything unusual or remarkable about it the boy seemed unremarkable there was nothing that really signaled great danger it was exactly what I thought relationships were at that age when we weren't texting we were calling or FaceTiming I shared my location with him on my phone so when I wasn't with him in person I was still constantly available to him at first I didn't really think much of it but as things went on sometimes she'd Panic if she realized she'd gone more than a couple of hours without messaging him or letting him know what was was happening and there was almost a fear of what would happen if she didn't check in I spent a lot of time at his house it became normal for me that I needed to ask him for permission to do things that I wanted to do or see people I wanted to see a very broad very social life became much narrower until finally she was really only socializing with um with one person when my parents would sort of push back and they would say I'm worried about you um I'm worried about you know this relationship that you're in I would spend more time with him she' gone from being very close with us to more distant more secretive I don't think I really understood what she was going through and she certainly didn't um tell me the the details of what she was going through she told me she was unhappy I was experiencing violence in the relationship that I was in but I didn't want to worry my parents I thought that I had some kind of control over the situation I thought that you know this was a temporary thing that would get better and everything would be okay and I didn't want to upset them when I looked at my peers what I saw was what I was experiencing very often and so I kind of just thought maybe this is what teenage Rel relationships Alik Anna story is definitely not uncommon you notice a culture around some young men of feeling like they have a right to treat women in that sort of way I would make it very clear my views on the relationship and how unhealthy it seemed um and sort of tried to steer her in the direction of ending it it really destroyed her self-confidence and her sense of self-worth I told myself that I wasn't worthy because he told me I wasn't worthy I start to control the way that I was eating because I thought I could control the way I looked because that's what he was telling me about myself school was an escape for me but there were also times in school where I became really distressed with Anna I noticed a change in her in her demeanor she withdrew a little bit in the classroom there was one occasion when noticed her very upset I asked her what was wrong she she sort of brushed it off a little bit as as um you know as teenagers often do and and and said that she was having some boy problems but it was nothing you know as things went on it definitely got a lot more tumultuous I distinctly remember one evening her telling me about how um aggressive he could be I experienced every kind of abuse imaginable the abuse became worse and it became more physical and there was a time towards the end of the relationship where I knew that I needed to leave him I wanted to tell Mom and Dad what had happened and what i' had experienced and I didn't know how to tell them I didn't know exactly what I wanted them to know [Music] it really wasn't until uh she and I were at dinner one night just the two of us that she uh told me some of the things that had been happening to her she was worried about my reaction she was worried about her father's reaction I remember being shocked when she started to describe to me some of the things that had happened in relationship I probably kept some of how I was feeling from her because I didn't want her to be worried about upsetting me I had a period Tanya had a period of just asking ourselves what did we miss what were the signs what could we have what should we have picked up on there were a collection of things in retrospect that seem a lot more Sinister now than they assed at the time I worked in domestic violence before I went into Parliament every experience of abuse is different but there are some real common threads uh he deliberately isolated her from her friends and from her family he made her excuse his behavior he made it her responsibility uh how he behaved and I think um that's clearly what was happening here Anna was making excuses for the behavior she was making excuses for the bruising I saw on her I think that makes her typical of most people who have a similar experience as a parent you want to protect your children and as a father particularly you want to protect your daughter the feeling of a parent to hear from the child that they've been terribly hurt by somebody else you just have an immense feeling of um of Anger of regret and inevitably a feeling of failure is apparent that there is something that is a profound responsibility of a parent to a child which is to give them a safe home in which to grow up and it proved not to be a safe home sometimes you know he heard her here so yeah it was a terrible experience both mom and dad had said to me how can we show up for you how can we support you I never felt um as though they didn't understand there was the question of whether or not I might report to the police and I was really concerned that they wouldn't believe me but I did end up speaking to the police and and the police are really helpful in helping me identify what I'd experienced um how's that job working itself up been a detective with the New South Wales police for over 20 years really appreciate it thanks police are increasingly seeing instances of domestic and sexual abuse in the context of teen relationships young people are increasingly being exposed to adult Concepts at an earlier age we know that uh domestic family and sexual violence is under reported as a crime type generally and that's even more so the case when we're dealing with younger persons I think that because I was so young it was really hard for me to identify with the idea of it being domestic violence when I thought of domestic violence like many other people I thought about marriages thought about mortgages I thought about children I thought about people who were a lot older than me one of the greatest challenges they face is speaking up we certainly encourage those survivors that want to make a complaint to do so but the decision to engage with the criminal justice system is a significant one and to some extent involves jumping into the unknown even though I was still terrified and really uncertain of what it would look like I did still decide to report and go to court I thought it was an incredibly courageous thing to do and I know that her whole motivation was to stop him hurting other people the leadup to court was horrible it wasn't only hard for me it was also really hard for my family and it was causing a lot of distress in my family particularly to my parents you know it was the first time that I'd seen my dad cry was an incredibly complex emotional experience for her and so we worried a lot that that she would feel this responsibility for the feelings in the whole family and that anger that that pain that sadness it's not her responsibility it was the responsibility of the person who hurt her for this long period of time while I was waiting for court to start good girl the police had told me very clearly that I wasn't allowed to have conversations with my family and friends who may be called as Witnesses and so living in the one house but not able to discuss this enormous thing that's happening uh for our child and um knowing you know that somewhere someone is coaching the um defendant uh it's a it's a it's an isolating and unequal uh relationship I felt like I had nobody who understood what I was going through I felt completely alone in the process this huge thing is happening to me and I don't know what to expect and I don't know how I'm going to survive it if you can find good things in this whole experience one of the best things that happened for Anna was she met another young woman called Beck a couple days before court started I went to court and I really wanted to familiarize myself myself with what it would look like I wanted to know where will he be sitting where would I be sitting I was sitting outside my courtroom as the court was taking place for the trial against my perpetrator and I noticed another younger girl sitting also outside the courtroom which was unusual that there was someone else hanging around so she was very anxious and she began to ask me questions about the experience that ID had up until this point Beck and I spoke for a few hours about what to expect in the court process but she also spent so much time just supporting me and telling me that she knew exactly how it felt to be sitting there in my position I felt like she knew me at that time the best that anybody in my life knew me I think our conversations and our solidarity gave her the courage to be able to walk through what she was about to walk through [Music] on the first day of the trial Anna was incredibly nervous and tan and I were deeply worried about what the experience would be like the irony was that the job I held at that time gave me uh as the head of the Department of communities and Justice administrative responsibility for supporting the court system so I thought I knew about it but the experience of it is immensely frustrating on occasions it it feels like it's not a fair fight I think if I had known how incredibly difficult the process would have been I would have begged her not to do it it it's excoriating it's um I mean I gave evidence for 3 hours and I came home and was shattered for the rest of the day I I it was emotionally exhausting in a way that took a toll physically I've never experienced anything like that before she gave evidence for three days I don't know how she did it I felt as though I was on trial I felt as though everything I'd done all the ways that I'd responded that were natural to me and natural to many other survivors were being used against me the fact that I hadn't told people straight away the way I maintained contact with him they were all used against me I honestly couldn't believe that you know in this day and age there were still questions about what she was wearing and how she was behaving what she'd had to drink the implication that she was lying the implication that she had a you know something to gain from this horrific experience of going to court I understand the process and I understand why it is the way it is but it feels feels from the side of the person who is making the complaint who is the victim Survivor in their family that you're playing by the rules and it's important the rules matter and the prosecution is there to uphold the law but the defense is there to use anything and everything to discredit the character the truthfulness the believability of someone you love and you know as a person of honesty and [Music] integrity I was at home when I heard the verdicts and I immediately called my parents and they were both home within 15 minutes and I was in my bed incredibly distressed and they both jumped into bed with me and just held me and I just cried for a really long time maybe it's unrealistic to expect a court result to somehow put things right but there is this sense of satisfaction that there is consequence for the person who's hurt someone you love and that that is something that will stick with them through life and that will be known about [Music] them I was at University while I went through trial and I'm studying a Bachelor of Arts and social work and I decided to study some criminology classes I was teaching a class in criminology it was about society and Punishment so yeah punishment in the legal system so I was concerned that maybe some of the content in the class could be a bit distressing or even just uncomfortable for me she sent me an email just to let me know that um she's a Survivor gave me the opportunity that to also then um sort of reach out to her and say hey actually I completely get it I understand cuz me too how are you going good how are you we organized to meet one day just because we wanted to sort of connect yeah I've got one more essay to go and then I'll be done that's exciting yeah I'd been through this horrendous experience being a Survivor being through the court system I thought that that class was really good because I felt like it was a really human perspective of people's experiences of crime so Brenda and I had this instant connection where we could talk about what we'd experienced and what we had in common and what had differed both Anna and I we both wanted to turn and our experiences into something positive to be able to help other people because we also knew the value of that help and support we were talking in that conversation about supporting people through the court process and supporting survivors in general and around that time I also connected with others and together we formed the Survivor Hub she's funny hey hey how are you way you walked in hello J how are you good how are you thanks for coming thank you for coming and so what we do is we run meetups which are are peer support groups and they're open to all survivors older than 16 years old and in Meetup survivors can talk about anything have you got some toys in your Meetup yeah do make a bad choice for some survivors it'll be the first time they really sat in the same room as another Survivor so thanks everybody for coming to this Meetup um my name's Anna and I'll be facilitating the Meetup hi everyone my name's Harry hi Harry I went to my first Survivor Hub meeting about two years ago now being a man I remember thinking am I even allowed to be here right now uh what if no one likes me but as soon as I walked in and uh decided to take that chance it was just a feeling of being understood and I think if you're in this cold dark room with this professional that doesn't has no empathy towards you it's just not the same but coming into a room of people that have that lived experience and know exactly what you're talking about that's um that's like striking gold you can't replicate that yeah I remember going to counselor after counselor after counselor therapist psychologist whatever it was and just feeling like it was so clinical I was like the first counselor I saw I told them what happened and like how I was feeling and she said it's just like I went on a run and I was like yeah no it's not for me and I was like yeah I was like so therapy doesn't work for me then I didn't go back for like another six or so months until I worked out that like oh there's like services for me with every Survivor I come across they articulate something that I've been trying to say for years and years and years like I really invalidated myself cuz of my age as well so I was like oh no like those Services aren't for me and also like oh am I taking up space for survivors some people would be surprised if they haven't been to a Meetup before to know how joyful it is to be in a Meetup could be 6 to 12 months between dates lose interest we have just had an overwhelming response over the past 12 months we've had more than 800 people register for our um meetups sometimes you go through the court process and the defense attorneys end up being the ones you have more nightmares about than the actual perpetrator um yeah so often unfortunately yeah it's nice when you find someone who is cross-examined by the same at the moment it's brender and I that run the Survivor Hub together fulltime we do it on a volunteer basis and we we have some incredible volunteers who support us thank you but we've really overstretched so last year in the attempt to raise funds we held a second birthday party I've added them in the bottom of this and the goal of the fundraiser was to really raise some money so that we can fund our existing Meetup locations but also because we have some new locations opening red WI [Applause] yeah that was a great event yeah it was yeah same I've organized a few events myself and I just appreciated the hustle of it actually putting that together one of our co-founders and director mothers so I want to say how amazing it is to be here tonight I want to acknowledge the co-founders Brenda Jemma Aaron and my little baby Anna um and I know I meant a lot to Anna to have her mom speak at the fundraiser there's nothing harder for a parent to hear that your child has been hurt sometime more than once it affects the whole family siblings family friends grandparents Anna's mom spoke really beautifully about the impact of supporting a Survivor well the thing I know helped me was talking to other parents the thing that I saw helped Anna the most was talking to other survivors I feel like the best thing I can do is help my daughter help herself and help other people thanks Mom we didn't stop her being hurt but it looks like we've given her some of the qualities that she needs to get through it and you know that's that's of some comfort thank you thanks for taking it in some ways this has probably brought us closer together as a family there is no way that I would have been able to go through it without their [Music] support I'm in my final year of University and I'm doing my final placement in broken Hill working predominantly with survivors I'll also be there co- facilitating the Survivor Hub meetups which we only established a few months ago it's about 13-hour [Music] Drive I'd expect that she'll end up working in the area of sexual assault or domestic violence bence as a social worker I worry sometimes that it's such a big part of her life I feel like at 23 she should be able to be more Carefree than she is but however much I worry as a mother as a woman I admire what she's doing in the future whatever role I end up in I'll will always be in a role where I'm working with people supporting people and I hope that I can stay working with survivors for the rest of my career or for a very very long time my hope is that she continues to recover from this and my hope is that as her life gets larger and larger and Fuller and Fuller this bit of it just gets smaller and smaller and smaller until yes it happened yes much good has come from it but it's just one element of a rich and fulfilling [Music] [Applause] [Music] life for

Channel: ABC News In-depth

Views: 135,687

Keywords: abc news, australian news, abc news indepth, documentaries, long-form journalism, Australian Story, Anna Coutts-Trotter, Tanya Plibersek, DV, teenage relationships, DV in teenage relationships, DV teenage relationships signs, Survivor Hub

Id: 91EHHbECg2s

Length: 30min 21sec (1821 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 22 2024