- Let's see. Steak for $30? No, thank you. I wanna be able to retire one day. Ah, here we go. I will have the plain spaghetti with the sauce on the side for $8.99. And I've got a coupon. The market is about to explode, and that company is vastly undervalued. We need to move fast and buy 10,000 shares of
baba ghanoush immediately. I'll have the technology stock. Thank you. - Okay, the grilled asparagus. Are they organic? Is the corn non-GMO? Is the sweet tea fair trade? Was the rice processed in a facility that also processes nuts? Is the lamb chop vegan? - Uh, I don't need a menu. I already read it at home
and know what I want. - [Server] Okay, but first, let me tell you about tonight's specials that aren't on the menu. (ominous music) - What's good here? Tell me your favorite things on the menu. Okay, well, thank you for
telling me all of those items, but, uh, I think I'll just
get the chicken tendies. - Hey there, Tiffany. How are you? It's me again. I'll just take the usual. How are the kids doing? Does Timmy still have
that rash on his butt? Well, hopefully it clears up before he starts 12th grade this fall. And your Aunt Hilda, is she still seeing that guy
Stanley at the old folks' home? Oh, he died? That's too bad. But she's already seeing someone new, wow. You go, girl. - Steak. Rare. For my drink, I'll have a whiskey. Make it a double. For dessert, a plate of bacon
and a pack of Marlboro Reds. - I have been on a very strict diet: low salt, low fat, no sugar,
no booze, no meat, no grains. But tonight, I think I'm
gonna have a little cheat meal to reward myself. So I'll take the
all-American family feast, served in a trashcan lid,
and a margarita pitcher. - You gotta tell the chef,
this menu is a jumbled mess. It's just too many items. It's gonna take me 20 minutes to read through the whole thing. You should have book clubs meet here. They could just read
the menu and discuss it. - The sandwich as we know
it originated in the 1700s with John Montagu, the
4th Earl of Sandwich, who has such a degenerate gambler that he needed a convenient
way to eat a meal while playing cards and getting drunk. So I am ordering this chicken
salad sandwich in his honor. - Uh, I'd like to see
the dessert menu, please. - [Server] But sir, you
haven't ordered dinner yet. - I know. That's how I roll. - I always like to order
something I've never had before, so could I get a stable
and committed relationship? (laughs) I crack myself up! - I'll have the rack of lamb, and make sure the kitchen knows, I will be spending it back if
it is not absolutely stunning. And God help them if they
forget the lamb sauce. - Oh, yeah, I just need
a couple more minutes. I am so sorry. Uh, I need a couple more minutes. Oh, uh, honestly, I, I haven't
even looked at the menu yet. Okay, yes, I am ready to order now. Uh... I, I had it picked out here somewhere. Um, ah, let's see. I, I can't find it. Which one did I want? Was it beans? Did I wanna order beans? That doesn't seem right. Do I even like beans? Am I even at the right restaurant? (easygoing music) - I'm gonna get something special, 'cause it's date night tonight. Yeah, I take myself out
on a date once a week. It's like a self-love thing. And like a being single thing. Anyway, uh, I'll have, uh, uh, fish and chips. Fish and chips. Yeah. I'm a cheap date! (laughs)
