Hi, and welcome to the Sidcourse. Like discourse, but my name is Sid. One of the more interesting releases of 2017 was Ninja Theory's Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice. Praised for its incredible graphics, indie release and themes of mental health and psychosis. The game has its flaws but for the most part it's been well received by the gaming press and consumers alike Winning numerous awards at the end of the year for its accomplishments. In this episode of the Sidcourse, we're going to take a personal look at Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice. Before we begin, I'd like to preface this video by saying that there will be spoilers for Hellblade Along with that, this video will cover topics of mental health issues including depression, anxiety, suicide, psychosis and the like. If any of these things are cause for concern for you, I would recommend turning off the video. If you'd prefer to watch an analysis of the importance of Hellblade, I'd highly recommend watching Raycevick's video for it's incredible take on what he considers the most important game of 2017. In a previous episode, I spoke briefly about games that talk about Depression and Mental Health. In it, I described how games are an interesting and uniquely empathetic way to discuss the subject but also how the method of playing games can also help in such circumstances. Psychosis is characterised as an impaired relationship with reality. People suffering from psychosis experience delusions and/or hallucinations Where a delusion is a false belief or impression that is held even though it's contradictory to the truth And hallucinations are seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling things or people that are not present. Even to this day, psychosis is still considered a taboo. With a name so close in origin to the word “psychopath” it's easy to see why. The concept of experiencing a reality that isn't in front of others is a hard one to accept. The topic of psychosis is one that surprisingly has been overlooked within the medium of games. In fact, mental health as a whole, when portrayed in film, books, television and games has largely been one to demonise or antagonise the person dealing with the issue. Thankfully, in recent years, games developers especially in the indie space have been paving the way to open up and discuss these issues from a more empathetic and understanding point of view. If we were to look at it objectively any level in a game where you've had a phantom version of an enemy appear and disappear as you attack or having multiple voices telling you things as part of the audio track could be interpreted in a way to discuss the concept of hallucinations and psychosis. However, Hellblade is the first game, to my knowledge, that directly tackles the topic head on. And for me, that was a problem. For a moment, I will have to get personal, and I thank you for your patience. When Hellblade was first announced, I was intrigued. The concept of a AAA game being made by a newly independent studio is something that I find personally interesting. Having the visuals, sound, design and polish of much bigger games is always a good thing. Having the business practices of an indie is also great. Then came in the interviews, discussions and video diaries about the game and its development and I became hesitant. This is the first time I've personally spoken out loud about this outside of a doctor's office but for about 20 years now I've been suffering from psychosis. I hear voices and experience delusions. Everywhere, all day and all night. For the most part, I've done what I can to fight it and ignore the cacophony of noise and the calls to harm or kill myself. I've learned to meditate, clear my mind, focus my energy However it's not pleasant and I'm in a constant struggle with it. This is something I've kept to myself because of the implications from work colleagues, friends and family. I'm terrified of their reactions and how they'd view me. To be quite honest, the voices already tell me what they'll think or feel towards me. My best friend of four years and soulmate still doesn't know and as she doesn't watch these videos, I doubt that she will. She is, however, the only one who has been able to ease the noise and whose voice and presence can overpower the consistent and constant abuse my own mind creates for me. It's part of the reason she's so important to me. I still live in fear of what she'd think of me if she ever found out. I don't think I could ever bring myself to risk losing her by telling her. Living like this is hell. A conversation with a friend goes from a favour being asked to lining up every possible outcome and ulterior motive and thought process that they may be having when really, they're asking me for a favour. Someone telling me that my work is good, or that I matter becomes a battleground of voices within my head of why they're wrong and how they lie to me when really, the person may just genuinely care for me. I wouldn't know. The voices I hear are stronger than everyone I speak to. They know and understand me better than anyone else, because they are me. They know my weaknesses, my insecurities, what matters to me and what I believe in And it's coming to a point where it's becoming extremely hard to differentiate between realities. When I heard that this particular mental health issue was going to be a primary theme of the game I was terrified of what would happen. Would this game accurately represent my pain? Would others be able to truly empathise with this disorder? Would this game make my own symptoms worse? Would the simulated voices join mine? Would this game help me cope with my own demons? These are all concerns that I don't expect anyone else to understand or know but it's important to me and the only reason as to why I put off playing this game for as long as I could. In fact, the only way I've been able to play this game was by having friends in voice chat as I streamed it to them privately. The need to be grounded and having a trusted voice that wasn't one of my own mind or that from the game was paramount so as to minimise any risk to my already fragile mental health. From the very moment you launch a new game, you'll be greeted by the voices. They're quiet, but sharp. They're whispering, but loud. Using binaural audio recordings designed around the shape of a human ear the audio team did an incredible job at capturing the tenacity in which the voices take shape. For me, the voices I experience are similar. The voices in my head aren't just in my head. They're everywhere. They feel like they're coming from all angles, from all around me. Whispering from the corner of the room, screaming from the other side of a closed door. Most of them are coherent, whilst others are impossible to focus on. They're a myriad of voices and some of them aren't even in languages that I know or understand. This creates an extremely claustrophobic personal experience that makes almost any situation uncomfortable. And I think one incredible thing that the team behind Hellblade has done right was making sure that the voices aren't all bad. Because that's one of the things that make living with Psychosis, personally, so terrifying. The voices that I hear aren't all trying to make me harm or kill myself. I think the scariest thing for me is, I don't believe that I would have whatever skills and talents I possess whether creative, technical, personal, or professional, without the help of these voices. Some have guided me to success whilst others have guided me down extremely dangerous and destructive paths. When you're in a combat situation within this game your field of view is tight and constrained, adding to the claustrophobia. In most games, you're able to see with enough room if something is behind you, trying to attack you. In Hellblade, your only indication is one of your voices telling you to watch out. And right there, that is dangerous. Developing trust with a hallucination is the first step to everything going awry. You listen to the voice and it feeds you information about a task people, places, objects, the world, what people are really thinking, what they're feeling. You begin to believe it more and more and become dependent on it. They've been right about everything so far, maybe they're right now, at a dark place maybe not believing what someone tells you is the right thing to do. Maybe pushing away my friends and family will be better for them, they don't need to deal with my problems. Maybe cutting into my arm will help ease the pain by releasing endorphins. Maybe killing myself will stop me being a burden to the people I love, and they can happier without me. Granted, this particular voice doesn't betray you within the game as there are other hallucinations like Senua's father and Druth a person who has filled her head with the stories of the Northmen that Senua experiences on her journey that do betray her. The visual hallucinations in Hellblade are represented through enemy combat and puzzle solving the two core gameplay loops in the game outside of walking. Enemy combatants in the game are figments of the imagination. Representative of Senua's struggles to get through each part of her journey. They're apparitions, and clearly not real. The combat mechanics are lacklustre and monotonous providing little in the way of “fun” combat in more traditional games. Hamish Black from Writing on Games discusses this in much more detail in his episode on Hellblade's Mechanics In it, he posits that games, like Dark Souls' representation of hollowing souls as a metaphor for depression can easily be overlooked if the player has no interest in it whereas in Hellblade, its dull combat mechanics force you into being aware of the characters struggle. That this isn't fun and isn't meant to be. Fortunately, I don't believe I've had any visual manifestations of people or objects appear to me. Not that I know of anyway. The other hallucinations present in the game are based around the game's puzzle mechanics. Senua must find patterns in her environment in order to continue. Everything must serve a purpose and meaning for her to get through. This trait is referred to as apophenia, an “unmotivated seeing of connections” as described by Klaus Conrad. Seeing patterns is something that can cause a lot of distress. From personal experience, I find great difficulty when I can't find a pattern that works and it becomes almost obsessive and compulsive. In my personal life, I'm constantly trying to connect the dots of people thoughts and actions to try and find the reality of any given situation. Because everything needs to make sense, everything must line up. If it doesn't then it can't be real. The visual hallucinations in the game aren't real. Were Senua of a sound mind, her journey would be a simple one of going through corridors. However, the constant struggle, this “curse” of psychosis causes every step of her journey to be exceedingly difficult. Even though her journey is just a case of going through one area to the next She can not go through unless she has completed this objective of working out the God's Runes that seem to be blocking her way or the enemies that she must fight. Every thought is a struggle. Every step forward, literally and metaphorically, is a battle in her mind. One of the most dangerous issues with Psychosis is delusions. Delusions of grandeur make you believe you are capable of anything from controlling the weather and stock markets to your actions changing the fabric of destiny. Paranoid delusions will have you believe that someone or something is out to get you. Someone is spying on you, someone is watching your every move. The people around you seem to have ulterior motives and the things they tell you are lies to cover up their true wants and desires. You may even feel like you're cursed by higher beings and powers. In Hellblade, the entire construct of the game itself is a delusion. Senua is plagued by the idea that she can save her deceased love, Dillion by reaching Hela, the Goddess of Death, and bring Dillion back. She fights through hordes of enemies, to the gates of Hel itself with a sword that can kill a God Only to find out that in the end, she can't. She will never be able to. The reason Hellblade works so well as a game, is because this idea of a quest; to save the world, to save a loved one, to accomplish a task that no-one else can, is a delusion. The reality is we aren't alone in changing the world, we aren't alone in helping those we love we aren't alone in trying do something, whatever it may be. The environment within a game creates that, and through it maybe we can empathise and learn that there are those of us who do feel truly alone in their own reality. And they're right in front of us. That what purpose that they feel they have is all a construct within the mind. It's all a lie. But at the same time, it's not. I feel it too. I'm not someone with a lot of purpose or reason for life. I don't feel that I need to do anything further. But a traumatic event can change that. A change in the order of things can upset that. A request or demand from a loved one, can create that. In reality, maybe I should let go of what's pulling me down and destroying me from the inside. But the idea, the construct, the delusion that this is something I must do is the only thing keeping me going, and giving me purpose. Because without it, what am I doing? This possible delusion that I live my life by is the only thing keeping me here and breathing. When it comes to Psychosis, nothing makes sense. Especially for the one living with it. In the case of Senua, she has a severe delusion of bringing back Dillion from the underworld brought on by what she's heard about her own curse, the Northmen, and her own traumas. At the same time, she hears voices, voices that are guiding her and voices that are tormenting her. Some of these voices are helping her, some of them are trying to stop her. Which of these voices she can trust is impossible. And as she goes on this delusional quest and carrying this darkness, she sees the Gods of Fire and Illusion. She sees the Northmen warriors who are trying to stop her and she fights back. And even worse so, each step of the way that she goes on her journey, nothing is easy. Her mind forces her to find patterns in the world to uncover the continuation to her quest. Senua's Sacrifice is a tragedy of loss and anxiety and anguish. We each have our own struggles in our daily lives. Some worse than others, but nonetheless, a struggle however big or small is always relative to the one dealing with it. Senua's struggles; of accepting herself, of accepting the loss of the man she loves, of even moving forward are a combination of everything that this disorder does to people suffering from psychosis. The mess of issues that Senua is dealing with, the constant multitude of directions her mind is taking her is prevalent in my own experience. My personal struggles of loss, pain, fear and self-worth are a constant up and down. When all seems okay for a period of time, suddenly a tsunami of anxiety will overcome me and I'm going through yet another mental breakdown and this goes on every day. For the most part, games have been an excellent method of making the player feel good. Killing waves of enemies, performing takedowns and combos, and competing against other players are all methods of bringing enjoyment and entertainment through the medium. However, games as a whole are uniquely qualified in expressing empathy for all manner of things especially mental illness. I'd like to recommend Mitch Cramer from HeavyEyed's video on Mental Health in Video Games as he goes into detail how games can do this. One of the many issues for someone like myself is obtaining empathy regarding my own situation. Telling someone that you hear voices and believe in something isn't easy to begin with. Trying to explain that you're still a human being with thoughts and feelings and that there are broken synapses in your brain that make you think and feel things you don't even know you shouldn't be, is terrifying. Feeling like a pariah for most of your life is tough, but something you get used to. No-one understands and no-one will, the voices will tell you. Or you tell yourself. It's hard to really know the difference at this point. Because the few times that you do try to express yourself at the suggestion and request of loved ones or professionals, it doesn't feel like it helps at all. You end up feeling more alone, now that they know. They don't know how to deal with you. They don't know what any of this means, and we come to the epicenter of conflict of belief systems. I could be honest and tell you that I'm tired of living, that I'm done with the whispers and the screaming and the constant battles every minute of the day and I want it to end. And the response I will get is “no, you've been through so much” or “think of the people you'll leave behind” or “you have so much to live for.” All of which become new voices in an already exhausted space. The very action of seeking help has now become a new weight added and nothing changes. The cycle continues, just this time the people you love think of you as a time bomb. Games like Hellblade are a stepping stone in helping. By allowing the player, someone who doesn't know or truly understand the dynamics of this problem, to feel that struggle. By using a game world, an actual construct, it allows the player to experience the world the way Senua is experiencing it. The things that happen in the game make perfect sense to the world of Senua. For the player to get through this story, like with all games they must internalise and understand the logic of the game. In a game like Portal, once you understand the physics of gravity and the portals themselves you're able to get through the game. The same can be said for games like Overwatch. To get through a match, you must internalise and understand the mechanics and rules of the game world. Reaper works best when shredding tanks, Widowmaker works best from a distance and so on. To complete this quest in Hellblade, you must internalise the rules and logic that Senua's mind is going through and The Final Battle is what I would consider one of the best representations of that struggle. Once you reach Helheim to face Hela, you must battle through enemy after enemy. You'll beat them like you have been throughout the game, but as you turn around more will appear. The voices you hear will tell you to “watch out!” and you dodge an enemy coming from behind you. You fight and fight and continue fighting. A less skilled player may perhaps take a shorter amount of time but a more skilled player, one with more determination and drive to keep fighting, will have to do just that. And I think that's the beauty of the game. Traditionally, there are only a set amount of enemies to kill in a game. In a wave-based shooter, for example, X number of enemies will come at you you mow them down and the cycle continues in greater numbers. In Hellblade, the enemies will keep coming. Only through pure determination, I only managed to hold on and keep fighting for about half an hour. And the longer you keep going, the player will grow physically tired and exhausted and realise that there is only one way to end this. That physical manifestation of exhaustion, of fighting enemy after enemy, one at a time all of whom do not exist outside of this imagined construct is the empathetic message that hit home to me. Because living like this is exhausting. Fighting enemies that keep coming back is what getting through a day feels like. It shouldn't be this hard, but the emotional, psychological, and physical strain of just existing is what that Final Battle of the game feels like. Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice is far from a perfect game. There are many issues with it that I dislike, but at the same time, it and other games are paving the way for a more empathetic and understanding approach to telling stories in games There will always be simple and easy to digest games for the sake of entertainment. They will never leave us and that's a good thing. Sometimes, mindless fun is something that we need. But at the same time, the rise of the independent game studio creating meaningful games that share knowledge and understanding is integral to the growth of the medium. I don't know if Hellblade has helped me or my own Psychosis. I don't know if I'm better off or worse because of it. What I do know, is that perhaps through this game others who have no clue or understanding of this disorder might be able to learn and understand what it might feel like to be in this situation. Because this can teach and guide people and remove that taboo. Living with psychosis and the false realities that my mind creates for me, is the only reality I know. These feelings of having no place or purpose in the world, of not belonging to anywhere or with anyone and constantly standing on the edge of wanting to take my own life is the only thing I know to be true. The constant voices, these hallucinations are always there. They've been there for me since as far back as I can remember and they guide me with every step. I don't know if what I'm doing with my life is based on a delusion that my mind has created for me or if I should just end it all so I can get away from all this noise. I don't know. I have no idea. My hope for this video was to share the importance of Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice and how it uses its mechanics, narrative and design to portray and express the experience of psychosis from the perspective of someone who is also going through it too. I'm not sure of anything, but I hope that perhaps the game and this essay can give you an insight, and an understanding of what living like this is like. Thank you for watching. This has been the hardest episode I've made thus far for a number of reasons. I hope that you enjoyed this video or at least found it informative and educational If you or someone you know is suffering from Psychosis, I hope that this video helps in some way. If you're suffering from Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis or any of the many other mental health disorders that can cause harm to yourself or others please do seek professional help as soon as possible. At the very least, please talk to someone about it. If you feel you can't talk to any friends, family, colleagues or a professional then at the very least, please talk to me. All I can do is listen and understand you. I'll make whatever time I have available to talk to you. Please do reach out to me on Discord where we can talk privately or with others in our small community if that helps you feel more comfortable. If you liked this video, please do leave a rating. If you think that this video can help someone you know or others, please share it wherever you can. I'd like to know your thoughts on Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice and other games like it in the comments section below. And if you'd like to see more episodes of the Sidcourse, please subscribe. Stay Sexy.
