BECAUSE GREG GUTFELD'S GOING TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. ♪♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]. >> Greg: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO THIS BETTER BE LOUD. HAPPY WEDNESDAY EVERYONE. SO WAS IT JUST A SPEECH OR WILL THEY REALLY IMPEACH? BUS, FIRST, WHAT'S THE LATEST ON THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY? YEAH, HUH? PRETTY G SPECIFICALLY COMMANDER, THE NEW FIRST FAMILY DOG WHOSE TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH RIVALS THE CAST OF OUTNUMBERED. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU? ANYWAY, THE FIRST STAR THEY GOT FOR PUBLICITY PURPOSES, MAJOR, HAD TO HIT THE ROAD FOR BITING. HE WAS PART GERMAN SHEPHERD AND PART BRIAN STELTER. OF COURSE, JOE ACCUSED ONE SECRET SERVICE AGENT OF LYING ABOUT BEING BITTEN. AT LEAST WE KNOW THE TEETH WEREN'T JOES, HE KEEPS THEM IN A JAR ON TOP OF THE NIGHT STAND. NONETHELESS, MAJOR WAS REPLACED BY COMMANDER WHO IS NOW BITING PEOPLE. COMMANDER BIT SEVEN PEOPLE OVER A FOUR-MONTH PERIOD INCLUDING TWO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS AND A WORK AT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME. BUT HEY, YOU WOULD BE A CRANKY DOG, TOO, IF THEY KEPT BLAMING YOU FOR THE MESSES THAT JOE LEAVES ON THE CARPET. [LAUGHTER] >> Greg: OH, YOU'RE TERRIBLE. OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT. THAT'S ONLY THE 8TH OR 9TH WORST I THINK THAT HAPPENED TO IN THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK AND NOW HOW SPEAKER KEVIN McCARTHY IS USING THE I WORD. THAT'S IMPEACHMENT. MEANWHILE JOE'S DEGENERATE CRACK HEAD SON IS EMBROILED IN ONE FIASCO AFTER ANOTHER AND JOE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF MOST OF THEM. SO, LIKE MY IMMENSE TALENT, IT'S BECOMING TOO MUCH TO HIDE ANYMORE. THERE'S BURISMA THE ENERGY COMPANY THAT HIRED HUNTER FOR HIS EXPERTISE TO USE BUTANE TO HEAT UP HIS CRACK PIPE. AND THE SHADY FINE ARTS SCAM SOME BROAD BUYS A PICTURE OF SPECIAL ED ART BY A MORE ON THEN GETS A PLUM ASSIGNMENT AT A PRESTIGIOUS COMMISSION. IF THAT'S NOT A QUID PRO QUO, I'M UNATTRACTIVE AND WE KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. THERE'S JOE'S SEVENTH GRANDDAUGHTER, WHO HE STILL WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE. I COULD GO BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU LIKE JESSE WATTERS. BECAUSE THAT'S HIS JOB. >> WHY DID THE CIA LIE TO THE VOTERS BEFORE THE LAST ELECTION ABOUT THE LAPTOP? WHY DID THE FBI CENSOR THE LAPTOP? WHY WERE IRS INVESTIGATORS PREVENTED FROM PURSUING LEADS AGAINST JOE BIDEN. WHY DID THE BIDEN FAMILY CONSTANTLY GET TIPPED OFF. ? WHY WERE SUCH WARRANTS BLOCKED? WHY DO YOU SET UP TWO DOZEN SHELL COMPANIES IF YOU HAVE A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS. WHAT IS THE BIDEN FAMILY BUSINESS? >> Greg: THAT'S THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THING HE'S EVER DONE. AND HE ONCE READ A BOOK. BUT THAT'S A CLEAR CASE FOR IMPEACHMENT. AND WHAT DOES JOE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS? FINALLY WE KNOW HOW TO GET HIM TO SHUT UP EITHER THAT OR HE CRAPPED HIS PANTS AND WAS RUNNING TO THE BATHROOM. THEY LIE CHEAT STEAL LAUNDER EXPLOIT THE OFFICE. OH, WAIT, SORRY, I'M GETTING WORD THAT THE PRESIDENT CURED CANCER. >> I SAID I'D CURE CANCER. THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE WHY CANCER? BECAUSE NO ONE THINKS WE CAN, THAT'S WHY. AND WE K WE ENDED CANCER AS WE KNOW IT. >> Greg: FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID. HE CURED CANCER. STORY'S OVER. BUT THERE'S BIGGER NEWS. AFTER HIS PLEA DEAL FELL APART, HUNTER PLED NOT GUILTY TODAY TO FEDERAL TAX AND GUN CHARGES. IT HAPPENED AFTER THE JUDGE WOULDN'T PROMISE IMMUNITY FROM FUTURE PROSECUTIONS INCLUDING FOREIGN LOBBYING. BUT LEAVE IT TO CRINGE TO DODGE QUESTIONS ABOUT HUNTER. HMM. I WONDER IF SHE'S BEEN ASKED THIS QUESTION MULTIPLE TIMES AND IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED. >> I WAS ASKED THIS QUESTION MULTIPLE TIMES ON MONDAY, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. AS I STATED ON MONDAY WHIFFS ASKED THIS QUESTION MULTIPLE TIMES, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. NOTHING HAS CHANGED ON THIS. NOTHING HAS CHANGED ON THIS. AND, SO, YOU CAN ASK ME A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS ON THIS QUESTION, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. >> Greg: OTHER THINGS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN CHANGED, HER INCOMPETENCE. IF I WAS THIS BAD AT MY JOB, I WOULD BE FIRED, OR AT LEAST BECOME JUDGE JEANINE'S DRIVER. MEANWHILE, THE JUDGE ALSO THREATENED HIS LEGAL TEAM WITH SANCTIONS AFTER THEY ALLEGEDLY TRIED TO GET TESTIMONY FROM IRS WHISTLEBLOWERS REMOVED BY IMPERSONATING LAWYERS FOR THE HOUSE GOP OVER THE PHONE. WHO ARE THESE LAWYERS, THE JERKY BOYS? WOW, I KNOW, THAT'S A CALL BACK. SO IMPEACHMENT OR NOT, THE STENCH OF CORRUPTION RIVALS VIEW'S BATHROOM ON TACO TUESDAY. SPEAKING OF, I WONDER WHAT THE VIEW HAD TO SAY. >> WHAT BRIBERY SCHEME. >> HOW MUCH MONEY BECAUSE THEY LOST AND HE WON. >> I KEEP SEEING THESE INDICTMENTS ABOUT TRUMP, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? LET'S TURN IT AROUND AND MAKE IT ABOUT HIM, BIDEN. TAKE THE EYES OFF OF TRUMP EVEN THOUGH HE'S A CRIMINAL AND PUT YOUR EYES ON THIS GUY. >> Greg: AT LEAST THEY'VE GOT THEIR LOOKS. WHAT ABOUT IMPEACHMENT? BILL CLINTON WAS IMPEACHED FOR PUTTING HIS JUNK WHERE IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GO. OR WAS IT HIS CIGAR? EITHER WAY HE LIED UNDER OATH. IN RETROSPECT THAT SEEMS AS MINOR AS THE GIRLS JOE LIKES TO SNIFF. HELL BILL DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE COCAINE LYING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE. IT WAS A DIFFERENT SORT OF WHITE STUFF. BUT HERE'S THE THING. THANK YOU. HERE'S THE THING, DONALD TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED FOR JUST TALKING ABOUT THE BURISMA SCANDAL, IT IS IT ONLY SEEMS GOOD TO IMPEACH JOE FOR PARTICIPATING IN THE BURISMA SCANDAL. IMAGINE IN THE SUPER BOWL ONE COACH COULD STOP GAME BY SUING THE OTHER COACH FOR TRYING TO WIN. AND THAT'S WHAT THEY DID TO TRUMP. AND THE MEDIA LOVES IT AS LONG AS IT'S A REPUBLICAN ON THE SPIT. SO I SAY, IMPEACH AWAY. THEY WASTED OUR TIME. LET'S WASTE THEIRS. AND IT'S DESERVED. JOE INSTRUCTED HIS DIRT BAG SON TO MAKE IT RAIN IN EXCHANGE FOR INFLUENCE. IF THAT'S ANOTHER QUID PRO QUO, I'M PERRY MASON IN A POOH POOH. BUT WHY STOP THERE, LET'S IMPEACH EVERYBODY. JILL BIND INSISTS ON BEING CALLED DOCTOR. HAS SHE EVER SET A BROKEN BONE. NOPE. HER HUSBAND'S A CORPS SO AT BEST SHE'S A CORONER AND WHAT DOES SHE DO IF SOMEBODY IN A MOVIE THEATER HAS A HEART ATTACK AND SAYS IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? DOES SHE STAND UP AND SAY I'M A DOCTOR, ON EDUCATION. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS ON LITERACY. IMPEACH HER. HOW ABOUT KAMALA SHE HASN'T BROKEN ANY LAWS THAT I KNOW OF BECAUSE SHE HASN'T DONE [BLEEP] PERIOD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: HER IDEA OF A HARD DAY'S WORK IS A FEW HOURS OF CACKLING AND THEN A NAP. WHAT ABOUT MAYORKAS. HE'S LET IN MORE DRUG SMUGGLERS THAN MY BACHELOR PARTY. MAYOR PETE, NONE OF THE TRANSPORTATION PROBLEMS ARE HIS FAULT, AFTER ALL, HE WAS ON VACATION. BUT, HELL, WE COULD FILL THE NEXT THREE MONTHS WITH IMPEACHMENTS. BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET RID OF COMMANDER BECAUSE HE BITES, GET RID OF THIS WHOLE ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE THEY BITE, TOO. >> PERIOD! >> Greg: LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS! HE'S OFTEN RECOGNIZED ON THE STREETS AND UNDER PARK BENCHES, TOO, ACTOR, WRITER, COMEDIAN JAMIE LISSOW! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: HE'S THE BEST CANADIAN IMPORT SINCE BILLOWING CLOUDS OF WILDFIRE SMOKE, PROFESSOR AND AUTHOR OF THE BOOK THE SAD TRUTH ABOUT HAPPINESS, GAD SAAD! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: SHE'S FLUFFIER THAN NANCY PELOSI'S EYEBROWS. FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: AND, FINALLY, HE RULES BETWEEN THE ROPES AND WON'T TOLERATE DOPES. MY MASSIVE SIDE KICK AND THE NWA'S WORLD HEAVY WEIGHT CHAMPION, TYRUS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: JAMIE, AS EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU LIVE IN ALASKA. DO YOU FOLLOW WHAT GOES ON IN AMERICA? >> Jamie: YES. AS SOON AS I GET HERE. OH, MY GOD, I'M SORRY. THIS JUST COMING IN, TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT MISSPOKE. HE DID NOT CURE CANCER, HE GOT RID OF A CAVERNINGER SOAR. HE'S VERY SORRY. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY THE THING DID YOU ABOUT DR. JILL BIDEN. THAT'S REALLY TRUE. IN A MOVIE THEATER PEOPLE SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC, THEY SHOULDN'T SAY IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE, IS THERE A DOCTOR THAT CAN HELP IN THE HOUSE. BECAUSE WHAT IF YOU SAY IS THERE A DOCTOR, AND HE SAYS I'M A FOOT DOCTOR, AND I'LL MASSAGE YOUR FEET WHILE YOU DIE. THIS I'M ENJOYING THE DOG STORY. I LIKE THAT THEY CALL IT THE FIRST DOG. ISN'T THAT COOL, THE WHITE HOUSE DOG. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CALL IT THE FIRST PITCH BECAUSE THAT WAS TAKEN WHEN BILL CLINTON WAS PRESIDENT. I THINK IT'S COOL THAT HUNTER HAS A DOG-SNIFFING DOG. YOU KNOW IT'S A DRUG SNIFFING DOG, JUST NOT ONE THAT WORKS WITH THE COPS, JUST ONE THAT WILL DO COCAINE WITH HIM. ONE LAST THING, THE THING THAT IS AMAZING TO ME THAT HUNTER SOLD, WAS IT LIKE $1.3 MILLION. DO WE THINK THIS IS LIKE A REALLY EXPENSIVE VERSION OF TELLING YOUR KIDS THEY'RE GOOD AT DRAWING. BUT SOME OF THEM ARE PRETTY COOL. SOME ARE INTERACTIVE. LIKE I SAW ONE GUY SNORT THE SNOW OFF OF A MOUNTAIN TOP. >> Greg: ALL RIGHT. GAD, CONGRATS ON THE BOOK. CAN WE SHOW THE COVER THERE? THE COVER. IT LOOKS LIKE A MAN TALKING TO A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY SAYING I'M GOING TO BE YOUR NEW DADDY. >> UH-OH. [LAUGHTER]. >> THAT NEVER WORKS OUT. >> Greg: YES. YOUR MOTHER AND I DEEPLY LOVE EACH OTHER, YOU CAN STILL SEE YOUR ORIGINAL DAD BUT YOU ANSWER TO ME NOW. THE SAD TRUTH ABOUT HAPPINESS. ISN'T THAT WEIRD THAT YOUR NAME INFLUENCES THE THINGS YOU DO, YOUR NAME IS SAD AND YOU WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HAPPINESS. >> Gad: IN ARABIC SAAD MEANS HAPPINESS. >> Greg: REALLY? >> Gad: YES I WAS MEANT TO WRITE THIS BOOK. >> Greg: MY NAME'S GUTFELD AND I HAVE SO MANY STOMACH ISSUES. I'M NOT KIDDING! MY WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT INTESTINAL DISTRESS. IT'S AMAZING I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH A SHOW. YOU'RE IN CANADA, RIGHT? YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT. >> Gad: I HAVE A PRIME MINISTER. >> Greg: CAN WE IMPEACH HIM FROM AMERICA? >> Gad: I'D LIKE TO IMPEACH HIM FROM THE UNIVERSE. SPEAKING OF CORRUPTION, WHEN WE FIRST MOVED FROM LEBANON TO CANADA, MY DAD WAS CONSTANTLY RECEIVING A LOT OF PARKING TICKETS. AND SO HE WENT AROUND TRYING TO LOOK FOR THE COP THAT HE COULD GREECE SO THAT HE WOULD NEVER RECEIVE A PARKING TICKET. AND WHEN PEOPLE EXPLAINED THAT'S NOT HOW IT WAS DONE IN CANADA HE SAID WHAT KIND OF BARBARIC COUNTRIES IS CANADA? IT BECOMES PART OF THE CULTURE OF A SOCIETY. IT AMAZES ME NOW IN THE UNITED STATES I WENT FOR THE CORRUPTION WHICH RANKS EVERY COUNTRY, US IS NOW 24 OUT OF 180. >> IF HE GETS A SECOND TERM, THEY'RE GOING TO HEAD TOWARDS SOMALIA WHICH IS NUMBER 180. >> Greg: AND WHO'S NUMBER ONE, DO YOU KNOW? >> IT'S ONE OF THE SCANDINAVIAN COUNTRIES. >> Greg: THEY DON'T COUNT THOUGH. >> Gad: WHY IS THAT? >> Greg: WELL, IT'S SCANNED FIVE I CAN'T. I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IS THAT LIKE ONE COUNTRY OR LIKE FIVE? I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TO GO AS A GROUP TOGETHER TO A PARTY, THAT'S KIND OF LAME. ANYWAY, I'LL SHUT UP ABOUT IT THEY DON'T AIR THE SHOW SO WHAT DO I CARE. ARE YOU PRO IMPEACHMENT OR ANTI IMPEACHMENT? >> Kat: WELL, LOOK, I THINK IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR WHAT WAS GOING ON, IT'S BEEN PRETTY CLEAR WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON THIS ENTIRE TIME. I THINK THIS DEAL, THIS PLEA DEAL WHEN THEY SAID HAS THERE EVER BEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, NO, I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S NOT CLEAR THAT THERE'S ONE MAIN DIFFERENCE HERE WHAT'S GOING ON AND THAT HE'S THE PRESIDENT'S SON, BUT ALSO, I'M SURE THAT HUNTER WAS VERY SHOCKED THAT THIS DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR HIM. >> Greg: RIGHT >> Kat: EVERYTHING ALWAYS DOES. ONCE YOU GET YOUR DEAD BROTHER'S WIDOW TO AGREE TO DATE YOU, AND YOU CONVINCE YOUR DAD TO GO TO THE PRESS AND SAY NOT ONLY IS IT OKAY BUT HE'S ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, YOU MUST THINK YOU CAN CONVINCE ANYONE OF ANYTHING. AND THEN GOING BACK TO THAT, IN WHAT UNIVERSE ARE YOU CALLING YOUR DAD TO BE LIKE, HEY, DAD, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL EVERYONE HOW IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD THAT I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY DEAD BROTHER'S WIDOW AND NOT SAY, HEY, DAD, SO I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT WORK. THAT WOULD BE TOO PERSONAL. OBVIOUSLY HE WAS TALKING TO ABOUT IT AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ALSO CHANGED LIKE OH, HE WASN'T IN BUSINESS WITH HIM WHEN BEFORE THEY WERE SAYING HE WASN'T TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT. SO I THINK THAT -- I MEAN EVERYBODY KNOWS, EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY'RE DOING CRIMES. >> Greg: CRIME SYNDICATE. TYRUS, I WANT TO ASK YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAVE MANY PETS. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE DOG. >> Tyrus: NOTHING'S WRONG WITH THE DOG AND I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THIS UP BECAUSE IT'S ALL WE FOCUS ON. ACTUALLY PISSED. DOGS ARE A REFLEX OF THEIR OWNERS JUST LIKE KIDS ARE. SO ARE WE [BLEEP] SURPRISED AT ALL THAT HIS DOGS ARE ATTACKING EVERYONE? HIS SON IS ROBBING EVERYONE, AND HIS DOG'S BITING EVERYONE BECAUSE HE'S A BAD DOG OWNER AND A BAD PARENT AND A BAD PRESIDENT. HE'S JUST ALL-AROUND BAD. BUT IT'S NOT THE DOG'S FAULT. THEY DON'T SOCIALIZE THE DOG SO THAT'S WHY THE DOGS DO THOSE BAD BEHAVIORS -- WELL, I MEAN, HE PROBABLY FORGETS HE EVEN HAS THE DAM DOG. >> Greg: LITTLE HAIRY GUY HE MET. >> Tyrus: YEAH, THAT'S THE THING I FEEL BAD FOR THE DOGS AND THE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS BECAUSE THESE ARE REALLY NICE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS BECAUSE BACK IN THE DAY YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD, RRR. BANG. >> Greg: THAT'S TRUFRJTS. >> Tyrus: IF IT WAS ME, DOG BITES ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU, TWICE, FUR COAT. >> Greg: THAT'S FUNNY. >> Jamie: TYRUS IS SO RIGHT DOGS ARE A REFLEX OF THEIR OWNERS. I REMEMBER WHEN MY WIFE LEFT, MY DOG FOLLOWED
