Growing What You Want to Be, and Being What You Already Are: Talk with Rick Hanson January 20, 2021

i'm happy by the way to talk at all about that meditation itself which illustrates uh the first part of the two topics i hope to explore with you tonight first growing what we want to be and then second being what we already are with regard to the first i'm building on a talk i gave i think two or three weeks ago in which we were exploring goals her intentions for the new year and i was drawing on some of my own background in the human potential movement in the 70s 1970s to talk about the ways in which people often think that if they just have certain things then they're going to be able to do various activities which will eventually help them be who and what they want to be but actually what works better is to focus on what you want to be in the first place as the point of origin as your in some sense level of being from which doing from which action in other words naturally flows including acts of thought word and deed and then from those acts that naturally flow from what you are being then you can have the relationship the career success the life circumstances to the extent that's realistically possible that you'd like to have so beginning with being in a nutshell so we explored some key qualities that people might like to be including ones that are valued in the teachings of the buddha such as being mindful being compassionate including to yourself among all beings for example being resilient being resolute being happy being thankful being skillful being these things so then the question naturally arises how do we grow them sounds good rick how do you actually do it and this goes to as you may know one of my absolutely favorite topics something that's been enormously meaningful and helpful to me and my own journey through this life growing the good inside yourself plausibly hardwired increasingly into your own brain nested in your nervous system nested in your body entwined with life and reality all together so how do we actually do that this might be a little familiar to you if you know some of my material but i i think repetition can always help hopefully i'll try to keep it succinct and if you're not so familiar with this this is the fundamental how to how to use your mind to change your brain to change your mind for the better for your own sake and that of other beings so let's suppose that you would like to be calmer more centered you know more even keeled whatever we want to call it more tranquil more peaceful i wonder if you would like to be more of that how do you actually do it well the fundamental process of embodied learning learning in the broadest sense grounded within physical reality that fundamental process involves two necessary and sufficient steps but remember the second step is necessary for genuine cultivation genuine healing lasting learning lasting development to occur first we must experience what we want to grow we must start with an experience we must get that song playing in the inner ipod we start by experiencing feeling let's say some calming some relaxing some centering some kind of collecting ourselves gathering ourselves together all right we begin with an experience and then in the necessary second step of any kind of lasting any kind of lasting development that experience must leave lasting physical traces behind in the nervous system physical traces in the in alterations of neural structure and function if not then the experience at the time might have been enjoyable or useful great it might have had ripple effects leading to other passing experiences but without genuinely taking into the body the fruits of our practice there's no growth in the growth curve it stays flat now that process that process and the second step of what i call positive neuroplasticity in which there's a change in the plastic capable of changing nervous system that second step is fairly straightforward it's really quite quick and easy neurons that fire together can wire together in the famous sank so the longer we sustain an experience for a breath let's say or two breaths there's no magic number but there's probably a threshold unless it's a million dollar moment of needing to sustain an experience for at least a few seconds in a row if not a dozen or two dozen seconds in a row for the experience that's being represented in short-term memory buffers to have time to gradually sift down and begin its process of consolidation into long-term storage so the longer we sustain an experience the more likely it is the more capable it is of being internalized also the more we feel it in the body the more that the sense of peacefulness or calm is not just an idea ideas are okay ideas are good the buddha certainly among others focused on wise views you know there's a place for cognitive therapy great but where the real action tends to be especially in lasting cultivation of inner resources inner strengths inner ways of being like an underlying peacefulness um where the real action tends to be is an emotion and sensation and even inclination all right that's what we want to really feel we want to allow it to land in the body so that in your belly and bones it sinks in okay so you you stay with it for a while we did this in the meditation you let it come into your body you get a sense of it sinking into your body it's also helpful neurologically to highlight what is enjoyable in the experience or meaningful in the experience in other words what is rewarding about it because as the sense of reward in the technical psychological term the sense of reward in an experience grows as that occurs well the activity of dopamine and norepinephrine two key neurochemicals increases inside your own brain so that the experience that you're having at the time so that so that the brain is actually increasingly receptive to the experience you're having at the time and more efficient at converting the experience at the time that feels rewarding into a lasting change in the living body there's a lot of detail about this i wrote about it in a whole book in my most recent book neurodharma with the super cool cover for those of you who like me like the mountains in my book my most recent book neurodharma i talk about this in a summary way you know there are different aspects of this practice but it really boils down to these two fundamental steps experience what you want to grow and then receive it into yourself have it enjoy it right and the more often we do this and the deeper our engagement in the in the times when we do do this the steeper our learning curve becomes the steeper our growth curve is as we heal and grow and develop and gradually awaken that's the fundamental process so you might ask yourself what is it that you would like to be in 2021 maybe you'd like to be a little bit more like uh the proverbial duck off who's back a different forms of stresses or you know quarrelsomenesses just fall away you want to be a little more like teflon rather than velcro for the ordinary crud of daily life okay maybe you maybe you'd like to feel more motivated to whatever's important to you exercise sobriety changing habits of one kind or another okay maybe you'd like to grow mindfulness or self-compassion or simply happiness because as we have moments of happiness that are internalized gradually we develop their residues sink into us and lift our mood so you might think to yourself what's one thing in particular you'd like to be more of these days you'd like to have more of a sense of it you'd like it to dwell more in you well the more you dwell in that experience and the more you take it into yourself the more and the more that will become the habit of your heart so what is it for you in 2021 that is one thing maybe if not two or three that you feel you would like to be more of and then when you know what that might be you have opportunities to look for experiences of it which then you can value not out of clinging or craving but out of a kind of receptive humility appreciative receptivity that can take it into yourself and in fact actually as we fill ourselves up increasingly and we be increasingly peaceful content and loving then the ancient machinery biologically of craving that leads to suffering and harm that ancient machinery which is a drive state craving is a drive state that is fueled by an underlying sense in the animal including the human animal an underlying sense of something missing something wrong that's what drives craving so as we grow the internal hardwired woven into ourselves sets over time of fullness and balance in the core of our being even as we manage the waves and challenges in this life as we grow that underlying sense of fullness and balance characterized by an increasingly core feeling of inner peace contentment and warm-heartedness as we grow that there's less and less actual basis for the craving that creates so much suffering and harm what a wonderful process in which as it is said in tibet we can take the fruit as the path in other words if well the aims of practice could well be summarized as being peaceful loving and content rather than fearful angry resentful ashamed frustrated and driven rather than that you know if those are the aims of practice well it's wonderful that by resting our mind authentically increasingly upon experiences in everyday life small mild ones brief ones typically in the flow as we rest ourselves increasingly on those qualities we actually can take them into ourselves through the neuroplastic processes of lasting change in the brain and as we take them into ourselves increasingly that's who we become increasingly so we can take the fruit of our practice as the method of practice in a wonderful upward spiral that's great and i'm happy to talk with you in a moment about any particular questions you might have about that process and i encourage you to take a look at neurodharma or some of my other books that can explain it in greater detail now also this raises the fundamental question which uh you can see explored in different traditions um you know i think in zen in particular there's a real clarity actually about this combination of being who we are already and the process of practice and we find this um theme also present in the other branches of the buddhist uh tradition the terrafon branch pardon me in the and the tibetan one in a nutshell there is a gradual uncovering of who we already are and so that as we meditate for example we can focus on being something increasingly by dwelling in it and internalizing it okay so there's definitely a sense of growing something that isn't you know that that is because growing that is becoming more present you know as we grow it okay and also there can be an underlying sense of already being what calls our heart and finding those qualities inherent in us of peacefulness love contentment wakefulness and wisdom as they they feel already in our in our innermost being including in ways that may seem mysterious like how could it be you know that animals that evolved in jurassic park the serengeti plains and the game of thrones more recently in the bronze age and onward you know how could it be that somehow when we look deep down inside ourselves we find such natural goodness and inherent wisdom wakefulness and love i do not have a scientific answer for that i don't think anyone really does and even in ways that can seem mysterious and beyond language certainly beyond the wonderful domain of science even beyond that somehow those qualities that we sense as inherent way down deep can seem to extend or open into or be infused by matters that that seems somehow transpersonal don't know and still i'm we can open into all of that so finishing up here two major themes gradual cultivation sudden awakening gradual cultivation sudden awakening we can cultivate qualities inside ourselves in ways that even include the recognition and inclusion and protection and appreciation of the ways that we might find them already present within ourselves what a beautiful journey and as we take this journey of practice wherever we are on it looking back where we've come with some hopeful appreciation for the efforts those previous yous have made and as we tell the truth and be open to and honest about where we are right now and as we even look ahead in where this journey is going we can also be aware that we take this journey for the sake of others as well as ourselves we can recognize what seems palpably evident that as we grow qualities inside ourselves or to put a little differently as we uncover qualities already within ourselves as we do that we you know become easier to live with you become better to work with we we harm others less we recover faster from silly disputes with others we become more able to be strong and firm and unafraid as we stand up for others and speak truth to power and and name those who would violate the two fundamental conditions of any healthy relationship or community or country to tell the truth and to play fair on that foundation we can disagree with each other on that foundation there can be different accounts of the truth or you know prioritizations or highlighting of different aspects of what is actually factually the case all right people have different values they come to different conclusions but without that foundation of fundamental commitment a moral commitment to telling the truth and playing fair without that fundamental commitment you know how can we have a healthy politics or a healthy relationship in our home or at work right so we can tell the truth about that we can be firm about that for the sake of others and for the sake of ourselves without letting hatred poison our heart so we start to appreciate that we make this journey with others amidst others and for the sake of others and and that recognition as well besides the ways in which it's good for others gives our own journey heart and dignity and a kind of nobility okay so i thank you and let's see what kind of questions or comments there may be so far you're welcome to say things in the chat i'm going to take a quick scan here i think we may have time for perhaps one or two people to you know if you like to bring up something and get your voice in the space let me just take a peek here at what people may have started to say okay good i'm saying that people are first and foremost or maybe not foremost but fundamentally and it's the first topic get this basic idea of moving from state to trade that's the fundamental how of any kind of lasting healing growing awakening we experience something beneficial enjoyable or useful or both and then we gradually internalize it respecting the living body in the material plane you know opening to it and supporting lasting change within ourselves so increasingly we take the fruits of our practice wherever we go okay so you really want to get that states to traits and appreciating the the process of internalization a breath or two or three or longer at a time multiple times a day both in the flow of everyday life and during any kind of formal practice such as the meditation we did tonight okay so let's just see um any comments or questions so far uh chris asks a very relevant question i'll speak to it how do you bring about positive change without some craving for things to be better so there's a very useful distinction the buddha struck between and pali two words tanha and chanda tanha is craving something missing something wrong whose root in the word for tanha is thirst right something's missing something's wrong and you know craving is a biological endowment um if you're drowning it's natural for there to be craving for for air i speak of someone who nearly drowned one time you know many many years ago so okay but most of the time we can disengage from the machinery of craving including the kind of robot robotic automaticity of milder forms of everyday craving and we can disentangle from that and rest more in chanda which is wholesome desire the wholesome wish that others don't suffer the wholesome wish that children be fed and be happy right it's okay the wholesome wish that you yourself progress as far as you can in this life on your own path of awakening awakening the wholesome wish that you you you know have have food for yourself that your business flourish that that you find work or or medicine or a partner that is good for you there's a place for that and what you start to experience is the difference between tanha and chanda you start to experience the difference between a sense of pressure and contraction and insistence and deficit disturbance you feel that separation or on the other hand you start to feel what it's like to move into the next moment feeling already in some sense peaceful contented and warm-hearted in the core of your being you you recognize what it feels like to actualize yourself to express your capabilities and talents to to value morally certain important things without the quality of pressure and contraction and irritability and frustration and and even a driven-ness even addictiveness without those qualities we don't need them and that's a wonderful distinction to feel that there can be passion there can be fieriness there can be the pain in your heart at the suffering of others that is motivating to you without getting contracted and pressured and driven and all weird i speak from some experience about it and practicing in the field of that distinction and recognizing it and and knowing that you know sometimes there's a little bit of craving and hopefully a lot of a lot of aspiration with well without attachment to the results you know and you know and and uh you know you start to grow increasingly in that other way of being and that's really really useful to appreciate that we can have goals we can have purposes we can have preferences we can have moral commitments we can have traction we can mean freaking business sometimes without the contraction and the intensity often of selfing that is so present when craving starts slipping in to our to our goals and dreams and that that's a field of great practice it's something we keep developing i i still get caught sometimes you know either i'm grinding away or with my tasks or something irritates me or frustrates me gets in the way you know it still comes up this side of a complete enlightenment maybe but increasingly more and more now we are moved toward what we value what's important without paying the toll without the collateral damage of all that contraction pressure and drivenness that makes an enormous difference okay so okay and also as we internalize again and again very important point maybe my second key point here as we take in the good again and again um we're less disturbed inside we're less vulnerable to the manipulations of fear or greed or us against them rivalries we're less vulnerable to those manipulations at any scale including from would be authoritarian demagogues yeah okay so okay i'm seeing comments questions maybe we'll get to somebody uh anxiety okay great so uh at 702 on your net you might want to take a look at that comment so two key questions here we're kind of in what onionette said anxiety so onionette says i have a long habit of anxiety there might be a temperamental quality anxiety is a natural response by the way of course to frightening threatening external conditions or to a history of traumatic or painful experiences it's understandable no shame in it i mean it's a natural response while also you know potentially feeling quite quite burdensome so on the internet writes i've had a long habit of anxiety especially when i wake up in the morning as i practice dwelling in the good how long will it take to start seeing a difference in the habit of my heart so in that i want to say first there's this basic notion that i've taught a lot about of matching key resources to grow inside ourselves including what we want to be with particular issues so for anxiety key resources include calming in the body developing greater resting state relaxation and also a more rapid return to a resting state of calm and relaxation in the body with practice that's one another thing that's very helpful for anxiety classically is to develop a sense of grit and moxie and inner strength inside ourselves because anxiety is a response to feeling like there's a mismatch between our inner strength and capability and the challenges the threats especially the threats to safety coming at us so growing a sense of strength and having more confidence appropriately in your own fortitude it may be uncomfortable but you've gotten through so much you can get through you can get through this and overcome it and deal with it and cope with it as well that's the second thing a third is to do a practice i love which is to recognize again and again that you're basically all right right now when you are a lot of anxiety is in effect delusional it's a or it's anticipatory while in the present basically okay now and now and now and that is something that we can return attention to again and again and again when is true the basic okayness not perfect but there's breathing is going on there's enough air to breathe the heart is beating the mind is still working you're still functioning okay fourth feeling supported and connected with other people or related to that feeling that your own caring is flowing out no matter what is limited in what could flow in and that sense of relatedness and sociability is a very primal resource for us as social mammals who evolved mainly over the long run of evolution certainly the last you know several million years in small bands with other people so feeling connected can is a resource that is matched to anxiety and last take appropriate action there's no replacement for deliberate realistic action sustained over time as best you can you know do what you can do what you can and then try to try to be at peace so there's that basic idea right there of you know growing resources inside ourselves alongside taking skillful action as best we can okay in terms of addressing anxiety it can also help to do reasonably you know skillful physical interventions anxiety is a natural response when the body is inflamed or alarmed because of a health issue even what's called subclinical and yet chronic health issue so addressing what might be going on in your body as best you can okay then the question becomes how long does it take it's very natural and common to wake up anxious it's not entirely clear why that is it might be because we're at a metabolic low when we wake up also we're vulnerable typically imagine our animal and early human ancestors in the wild there you are with your eyes closed sleeping you're kind of vulnerable it's pretty natural sometimes what happens is just to let it pass get more active mobilize get a sense of some moxie inside yourself get moving take some big breaths drink some water get vertical these can often immediately help with practice with practice as we practice this conversion from states to traits how long it takes kind of depends on a lot of things including temperament and external circumstances and how bad it's been obviously but my own experience is that if some if a person is willing to give their practice of some kind particularly targeted around growing key psychological resources that address a particular issue and also sustaining skillful action realistically as best you can given the constraints of the world in which you live if someone actually is doing that for a few weeks in a row and it's not getting better i mean that's like time to think about going to another level reaching out to professionals seeing what other stones there might be to turn over uh if you're not making any headway at all after a few weeks of you know 20 30 minutes of real practice maybe spread out over your day one way or another that's kind of a flag like oh there might be deeper causes including in your own physical health and that's that's a loose very loose rule of thumb for me okay so let's see here lots to talk about um you know in america my country i forget i think something might have happened today it's you know i don't know maybe in the morning i don't know on the east coast somewhere you know i don't know anybody have a comment or question that's sort of specific do to do anybody raise their hand maybe you push all right i see susan johnson yay susan all right unmute yourself very good yeah hi rick i hope you can hear me yep great thanks uh really great to talk with you i guess my question is is a little bit to do with similar maybe to chris's um it's about self-advocacy i suppose um and i'm a person with several uh learning disabilities and i've always had to self-advocate for myself my whole life um but also i mean it could be translated into politically or at work or maybe in personal relationships on various levels of self-advocacy so i'm trying to figure out because usually when that happens there is something you're hoping to change i guess um or stop from getting worse or or protect and preserve if it's good you do want people to take it from you okay good yeah yeah and so i'm having a hard time i guess figuring out um without the clinging without the craving i guess for things to change how is that possible to get to action towards resolution and that sort of thing i guess does that make sense yeah it's a great question and it rises a lot in sort of spiritual circles and yeah it's a great question so um first off the top i want to say good on you for the self-advocacy that you've done and it's interesting as a long-time therapist and just a person i have found that this is such a key origin point of the way i would put it is getting on your own side or being for yourself which does not mean mean being against others it means uh recognizing the fundamental principle of treating yourself with the decency and fairness you would bring to others it also it means bringing compassion to yourself rather than a mean dismissiveness of your own needs unmet or suffering and uh it means a kind of muscular uh quality of um you know kind of like mobilizing a certain moxie those three qualities you know principle tender self-compassion and a kind of muscular moxie those are elements in self-advocacy and being on your own side and any one of those is a trait we can develop inside ourselves we can grow those inside ourselves okay so part one part two it's true sometimes that when they're initially coming at us or when we initially mobilize like hmm you know at any level all right it's a mess there's craving in there you know there's a red zone as i call it there's you know maybe there's a lot of taking it personally or okay i got it but with a little bit of practice and a little bit of time it might be moments it might be days we kind of find our footing and we can get centered and we could say okay wait a second here number one i see what i see the facts are what they are they did this i did that you know second i value what i value i have my priorities and i can recognize you know that what i'm wanting to develop for myself or for the sake of others is is virtuous is appropriate is okay it's it's allowed it's fair right um rights for them are rights for me rules for them are rules for me so it's okay you know you've developed some clarity there about um what you value that that's really helpful some of that's a little conceptual some of it is you just kind of knowing your bones wait a minute here you got away with something and that ain't right it's kind of as simple as that okay so you it's okay you develop that and then you develop a clarity i'm gonna pursue the same even if uh others go a different direction i'm going to walk this path because i recognize that it's a path with heart i recognize that it's a higher road let's say also and this gets really interesting sometimes we take a virtuous path that involves costs for other people for example we might compete for a job knowing that if we get it and we fill that slot that will block others from filling it and so we've we find we know sometimes that we're going to step back in a relationship from people who wish we wouldn't for example or we know that by calling others to do their fair share at home or at work or to treat us with the same standards golden rule time hello that they want us to treat them they may not like that and they might grumble a little or a lot all right and so what helps there is clarity of of values clarity of the justice the rightness the all rightness one thing that helps me think about that is to realize that um how can i put it that i would wish for others a world in which they can pursue their own legitimate aims within the lines not cheating not lying but within the lines so if i would wish that for them i am entitled myself as well to those opportunities and those standards and then last it's helpful to know inside yourself what's your plan you know to know what your plan is what you're revising over time and then then you work your plan you know the old line plan your work work your plan uh so this might sound a little abstract but i'm trying to be kind of systematic here to a fault i'm a writer i kind of and so be it that really helps i think that really helps and then then you keep seeing what's happening and along the way try to it's it's easy you know we're scruffy animals you know maybe as beings we're perfect but as a species i think we have some work to do but anyway um and you know along the way maybe you get a little edgy get a little contentious get a little grumpy you know maybe your initial movement is a little a little um pushy i don't know something or other but then you know you clean it up sorry didn't mean to you know do you know say it like that and still it's okay i'm going in this direction and that's okay so yeah what do you make of all that yeah thank you for that i was madly writing notes as you were speaking so i think that's really good but i do feel like self-advocacy and it taking a toll on a person go hand in hand a lot of the time you mean a toll on yourself or an impact on others a tool on yourself mostly that's what i was meaning by that um and so yeah just trying to create positive change that's in your realm of uh possibility i guess yeah can i interrupt you there susan if uh i don't know if any of this will land but i'll just kind of offer it from my experience with other people and may you know maybe a little intuitively here first it's really helpful to grow what i call the caring committee inside a sense of inner allies who are cheering you on and it's lonely to self-advocate when you feel like you're all alone right it's one of the scariest things in the world and as a kid i'm sure you had to do that a lot unfortunately as an adult too perhaps and then if you think of belonging to a class of people any kind of class of people who are not privileged or dis disempowered in various ways certainly historically and currently women as well as other groups you know you feel like you're swimming upstream you know you're clawing your way uphill through mud it's hard so it's so it's very important to internalize and try to grow based on real things this is where other people come in certainly but a feeling that others are with you and supporting you and i've written about my caring committee and maybe a sense of your own family who have your back and they're on your side yay right that's really important and to tune into that that others are with you that's that's very important one two hey there great i love kids i've done a lot of work with kids anyway um another thing is just i would just maybe ask ourselves what's the friction inside uh related to advocating and is there any internal friction of self-doubt the buddha talked about hindrances at some point i'll talk about the five classic hindrances and one of them is doubt and sometimes it's said that it's the worst of all because anything can be doubted right it applies to literally everything doubt uh it might be inner voices that are you know quietly muttering in the background no no you'll hurt others no no be a good fill in the blank no no you don't deserve it no no what right do you have to duh you don't actually know whatever so what is that internal friction and it's very interesting um this weird phrase came to me when i was doing a lot of traveling on business frictionless contentment i'm working on it but frictionless what would it be like like frictionless self-advocacy frictionless being on your own side you know what the internal friction being mindful of whatever those headwinds might be inside yourself that you're you're moving against yeah that could be useful um and then last um there can be this very powerful there's kind of two ways to progress towards something you know one is the familiar one in which we have a goal and [Music] we swim toward it uh sometimes what feels like upstream you know and and i think honestly there is a there's a certain virtue and no you know nobility even and working your way uphill huromph still going okay but wow does that get tired tiring and you know it exposes us to what's called willpower fatigue just it can be very powerful to have a sense rather than of working really hard to get over there of what we're trying to be like an advocate for ourselves to instead and this is very resonant with our theme tonight of giving yourself over to what is already true in other words to and being lived by a purpose already so you might think about it in terms of like what are you advocating for so let's say basically calling others to reasonable respect of you like you call yourself to reasonable respect for them all right for example and or you want to advocate for a particular thing to happen or not to happen at home or at work and we can feel you can feel the goodness of that the the righteousness of that the legitimacy the validity of it the wholesomeness of it even the wisdom even you know the benevolence for the greater good of it you could you could feel the love in it if that's relevant at the bottom of it feel that and then in the gesture i'm making here you feel that it lifts you and lives you and carries you along and so it is that moving through you which speaks truth to power makes a clear request says it with dignity and not hemming and hying doesn't you know kind of sputter but instead comes into a situation with self-respect and dignity and traction and gravity it is that moving through you that carries you along that's a very different feeling isn't it and we can explore that and and feel increasingly given over to and lived by those qualities and purposes in this yeah thank you very helpful okay hope that was useful well let's just take a minute here we're at the end tonight of letting whatever's beneficial here for you sink in maybe you realized something for your own life maybe you had a sense you felt something a growing calm perhaps or one of my favorites a kind of weaving together of lovingness and peacefulness let's just sit together for a minute or so as we finish here tonight letting it land whatever is useful letting yourself be it letting it be you ah good [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Rick Hanson

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Length: 48min 4sec (2884 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 21 2021