Grief is Not a Life Sentence | Jesse Brisendine | TEDxCSULB

[Applause] but um but um um I was about six years old the first time I saw jaws my parents had decided to have family movie night right the traditional kid-friendly Disney movies were vetoed and for reasons beyond my comprehension jaws was chosen in their place any of you have ever been traumatized by jaws know that you're never really watching the movie you're surviving it I survived by hiding on her blanket I made it as far as the lake scene this is a scene when a Good Samaritan in his rowboat tries to help a group of kids fix their sailboat in this scene Jaws swims up to the unsuspecting Good Samaritan and knocks him from his boat following a brief struggle we see the Good Samaritans lake floating across the screen letting us know that jaws ate him the NIC scenes are of terrified beachgoers screaming and yelling shark as jaws stealthily swims away disappearing into the water at this point I lost it I threw off my blanket ran to the bathroom locked the door i sat down the toilet I suspected Nix 20 plus minutes in there because well because jaws scared the you-know-what out of me it's true story it was also around this time that Baywatch had become an international hit and decided to really shake things up with the audience for killing off a fan-favorite lifeguard named Jill does anyone want to guess how they killed Jill off yep you got it a shark attack the ocean was a very scary place when I was six years old these experiences made a tremendous impression on the young psyche not only they scare the you-know-what out of me but they're the first time I can recall being aware death I learned that death was preceded by a menacing base and that it was terrifying what jaws and Baywatch failed to properly articulate is the emotional pain that comes with death the sadness the grief and how difficult it can be to heal move forward after a loss other than the childhood deaths of family pets which were heartbreaking and the loss of a grandmother was not particularly close to my first real experiences with death occurred about seven months apart from one another in June of 2009 one of my closest friends Gabe committed suicide I found him when he was still alive seven months after Gabe my dad died unexpectedly dad had been through a two-year battle with colon cancer where every day he fought for more time just a few weeks prior to his death he went in for his annual checkup at which time the doctor shook his hand looked in the eye and said congratulations Mike you're cancer-free you've earned more time my dad was promised more time and it was taken away Gabe on the other hand was up against the life challenge he did not feel he'd be able to bounce back from for him time was the enemy and the prospect of living more time feeling like he was feeling was too much to bear dad wanted more time gave one or less dad time was taken away Gabe took his time away as I experienced these losses I was surprised to find the emotion I felt was nothing like what I had learned it could be from watching jaws how many of you have lost loved ones you all know what I learned back then death wasn't terrifying it was painful it felt as if all the love happiness joy fun and laughter had been eviscerated out of me in the world at large leaving in its place painful emotions like sadness and grief death was still time seemed to stand still and life went on pause is the world around kept moving the hardest part about the stillness looking at old photos within the confines of a frame where the life of a memory once called home there is now an eerie stillness a stillness and only death can bring with the passing of Gabe and dad I found myself struggling struggling to find my smile to be happy and to heal I'd ask friends family professionals how long does this take how long can I expect to feel like this for these well-intentioned people would respond back with it just takes time grief has no timeline you may grieve the rest of your life it just takes time really and the area of life that has more power than virtually any other to send life as we know into a nosedive and the best we can often do is it just takes time imagine it just takes time being acceptable response for virtually any other aspect of life you need to get from here to New York tomorrow by noon so you head over LAX you arrive at your gate only to see your flights delayed so you approach the agent you say excuse me I need to get to New York tomorrow by noon and how long can I expect to be waiting the agent looks you in the eyes shrug their shoulders and says these things just take time you may be waiting here indefinitely it probably wouldn't go over too well would it yet when it comes to healing from our losses the best we can often do is it just takes time to be clear grief is defined according to oxford dictionaries and a feeling of intense sorrow and what they were telling me is that I may feel this intense sorrow the rest of my life to be perfectly honest there's a small part of me that didn't want the pain to go away from one I felt enormous ly guilty if I felt anything other than pain and two I desperately miss Gabe and dad more than anything I want to feel connected to them unaware of any other alternative as at the time I VN dissociate my pain as a feeling of closeness more specifically I begin to use my pain as a way I'd quantify my love I would tell myself that the more pain I felt just meant the more I loved despite all that I was terrified that the grief and accompanying pain may be my indefinite future there had to be an alternative than just waiting around hoping the pain may subside and I might get better I knew deep down Gabe and dad would want me to heal to move forward and to be happy but how could I do that when I felt so consumed by grief can you'll do me a favor and hold your hands up like this and I want you to just imagine your hand as grief so really focus on your hand notice the lines in your hand calluses on your hand the pigmentation in your hand just really focus on your hand and notice that the more intensely you focus on your hand the less aware you become of anyone or anything else around you notice that the more intensely you focus on your hand the less aware you become of how your left foot feels right now yep but now that I have your attention divided between your hand your left foot you may not be at all aware of how your lower back feels against a chair you're sitting in I see a couple use starting to squirm you can put your hands down thank you for doing that what you focus on you will experience our emotions do not happen by chance even though it may seem that way we're creating our emotions by how we use our physical bodies the language we choose and what we focus on let me give you some examples think of the most recent movie you saw think of the last book you read think of the first time you and your partner made love each time you're accused you felt something didn't you I didn't tell you how you're supposed to feel you felt what you felt because an image popped up into your mind which you focus on that in turn produce an emotional response now all this is happening the supercomputer that is our unconscious mind which is capable of processing millions of pieces of information per second becoming consciously aware of this process is where we find space to create change what we think about is what will bring about if when we focus on memories of those we've lost and we think I'll never have that again life is so unfair we're in experience an entirely different set of emotions and an alternative focus like I'm gonna make sure I laugh and have fun today because I know that's what they would want me to do this is what healing looks like it's recognizing that in any given moment including this one we have options available to us in terms of what we choose to focus on and what we're feeling this was the lightbulb moment for me if my focus was on sadness and grief it made sense that that would be the sustained reality I experienced what if my focus was shifted to healing now this isn't to dismiss the painful emotions that we all feel immediately after loss what I'm suggesting here is there's an alternative to an ongoing focus on grief in grieving that alternative is a focus on healing a set of grief groups what if they became healing groups it said of grief support what if it became healing support healing implies mending getting better you're coming this group to focus on mending versus coming this group to focus on deep sorrow healing occurs and making the day-to-day commitment to doing something no matter how big or small that honors your loved ones because how you choose to live your life after someone you love is gone is your opportunity to honor them and it's ultimately what their legacy will become in your life a legacy of love happiness and joy is formed by deciding to live your life in a way that you know in your heart your loved ones would want you to live anyone who has ever felt the emotional pain of loss knows that this is easier said than done so how do we get there emotion creates motion we must get the necessary emotional leverage to create the forward moving emotion that promotes healing you see the largest of boulders can be moved with the right leverage and the ultimate emotional leverage is found in the honest conversations we have with the loved ones we've lost acknowledging what we know in our hearts they would want for us which is to not spin our lives sad suffering consumed by grief and guilt but rather it's to heal to move forward to love and to pursue our dreams clarity on this presents the opportunity to make the conscious decision to begin to take those first tender steps forward this is where you can begin to deliberately do the things your loved ones that want you to do and honor them deciding to live your life this way opens you up to forming a new connection with your loved ones a connection that death cannot sever because the positive experiences you have in their honor going forward will be the foundation for the next chapter of your life just as they are a part of your joy in life so too can they be a part of your joy and death I knew Gabe and dad would want me to heal to move forward and to be happy I was committed to honoring them but unsure how to do so with the constant presence of sadness and grief that follow me around like a dark cloud wherever I went an idea was conceived one day to do a thousand things I'd never done before in one calendar year within the context of normal day-to-day life I called this the one year 1000 challenge and the goal was to do mostly sin full everyday things along with a few bucket list ones turning their eye to goals for this to find my happiness in honor of gabe and dad and to inspire others to do the same by the end of 2011 I had done 1022 new things I had never done before some of these included learning how to play a song in the violin these are my teachers visiting the Colosseum in Rome that was a total bucket list one and my absolute favorite creating international sunrise sunset day which has since evolved into an annual event where every year on September 12th people from all over the world share a photo of the sunrise or sunset and honor of the loved ones they've lost to date we've had more than we've had thousands of people for more than 110 countries and all seven continents participate we even got one from Antarctica that was a total goosebumps moment as 2011 came to a close I was happy but more importantly I had become aware that my happiness is not something I waited around for hoping it may find me and I might get better it was something that I had created its creation was born now the commitment to live my life in a way going forward that I knew know that Gabe and dad would want me to and honor them healing and happiness happened because my focus was shifted from grief to healing from sadness to what they'd want for me from my own suffering to a commitment to honoring them a wise man once said life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get I carried on with this new way of living until November 30th 2013 on that day my best friend Paul was killed in a car crash as with other losses there's the immediate rush of painful emotions in the form of shock disbelief sadness and grief I don't know about you but one thing there's always been especially difficult for me when losing someone is dealing with the emotion the imagined future moments being taken away the imagined future moment so those special moments you imagine spinning in the future with loved ones moments like making a toast at a wedding celebrating birthdays together or in our case strategizing for the zombie apocalypse which was seriously a favorite pastime of ours we spent a lot of time doing that we'll talk about that later though in the emotional tornado that comes tearing through after loss the imagined future moments are swept away along with the happiness and joy you may feel in the present in between my snot sobs which there was a lot of there was also this ever-present feeling and since I'm knowing about how Paul would want me to live life as I move forward before the thousand challenge I spent over a year of my life sad and consumed by grief after the loss of Gabe and dad I did not want to go back to surviving through life that way carrying around the heavy burden that his grief nor did I won't have to come with another thousand things to do to create my happiness it takes a lot of time to do a thousand things in the weeks after Paul's death I being asked myself questions like how would Paul want me to live what would dad want me to do who would Gav want me to become the answers are always the same to smile the laughs to love to help others and to pursue my dreams I believed I owed it to my loved ones to get up and begin living my life in a way that I knew they'd want for me and in honor of them I did that you know what happened I began to feel better my healing began I could smile I could laugh I could love I remember one day someone asking me Jessie how are you not sad all the time aren't you grieving I replied by saying I'm not focused on grieving I'm focused on healing I'm focused on honoring Paul by living my life in a way going forward that honors him death is not terrifying like it was in Jaws death is sad death is painful death can also be an opportunity an opportunity that none of us wanted but an opportunity nonetheless an opportunity to choose to live your life in a way going forward that honors the loved ones you've lost since Paul's death I've lost eight additional close friends and family members many of them in this last year each time I felt sad I felt grief I felt pain but more than anything I feel their love my life is about honoring them they are the reasons I'm standing in front of you all today this message isn't just mine it's ours thank you you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 104,333

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Death, Happiness, Personal growth, Positive Thinking

Id: VJCMnjXPdos

Length: 18min 20sec (1100 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 23 2019