GEORGE CARLIN - HILARIOUS STAND-UP

of unrelated thoughts here tonight non sequiturs a group of jokes that have nothing to do with each other so don't look for a theme okay can I hear a little more house I'm not hearing myself as well I guess it's all right yeah and some of these things you might know about that their new roach spray there's a new road spray on the market it doesn't kill the roaches but it fills them with self-doubt as to whether or not they're in the right house here's a little fun you can have go into a gift shop and ask for your gift let's tell them I saw your sign I came in for mine save you people have trouble of looking for me does it impress them but it keeps them on their toes some people see the glass is half-empty some people see the glass as half-full I see the glass as too big here's something you don't hear too much dad you really ought to drink more the wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot but all I never forgot it I never quite memorized it either so what I'm left with us having heard something really wise that I can't recall gerrae have chicken at lunch then you have chicken again at dinner and you wonder if the two chickens know each other you know you have a drinking problem when you walk into a bar in Pittsburgh and wake up in Switzerland with a clown suit on this some you might have read in the newspapers this was in every news source last six or eight months ago I worked like this is about that census they had in the year 2000 they actually said in the newspaper that during that census 1.6 percent of the population was not counted how do they know that I think they left something out of that story you know you get out of jury duty it's easy tell a judge the truth tell him you make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people just like that tell them it all depends come on all depends on how far apart their eyes are you'll be on that bus before you can say justice sucks eyes in a public restroom the other day I had to use the handicap stall when I came out of the stall some guy said to me are you handicapped I said not anymore okay I was watching ESPN the other night they had on the women's 200-meter breaststroke well I had never seen a woman with 200-meter breadth so I stay tuned most at evening you know you're in a small town when the restaurant closes at lunch so the waitress can go home and eat suppose a guy is really really stupid and he becomes senile how do you know let me something you could ask a guy like that here's a little fun you can have stand on line at the bank for a really long time when you finally get up to the window just ask for change of a nickel they actually call other tellers over to look at you that is true this is true in 1830 in England William Hutchison became the first human being ever to be hit by a railroad train wouldn't that make you feel kind of stupid I mean here for thousands of years we have no trains suddenly we have trains you get hit don't you think you should have been able to keep track of just one train I'm sure everyone know exactly where it was apparently not you know you're in the wrong store when you look on the wall and see one of your personal checks displayed is the reason they don't take personal checks if you had only one tooth left would you brush it for a really long time just to be on the safe side here's a heretic counterfeit money nobody knows you get rid of counterfeit money put it in the collection plate at church yeah they don't care they give it to blind people my mother was a woman of rare common sense she once said to me if the shoe fits get another one just like it I've tried to live my life that way there's something a lot of people don't know this George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country tell that tell that to your kid tell him to tell a teacher that he'll be home way before three o'clock you know it'll be a lot of fun to be a contestant on Jeopardy it just never buzz in just an a half an hour stared at the other two people wave to Alex wait hi Alex hi out your family would be mortified more fun you can have go into a gun store buy a gun and buy some ammunition then asking if they have any ski masks Jerry Norris in some hotels they give you a little sewing kit you know what I do I sew the towels together so the sheets to the drapes let them know you've been there sew a button on a lampshade let them figure it out it's certainly none of your concern Hey all right we'll talk with George them all right after this

Channel: MyTalkShowHeroes

Views: 1,018,844

Rating: 4.8692722 out of 5

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Id: Uk9bAYb89o4

Length: 6min 29sec (389 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 14 2016