[Full Story] My Girlfriend was r*ped and I'm considering leaving

me with my girlfriend of 4 years she was assaulted and I'm considering leaving I realize right up front that I am going to come across as an a-hole and I will probably get lots of hate for this but I'm looking for all points of view also this is going to be very long because I just don't know what to leave out and honestly I need to vent some here is the story a year ago actually a year and a month ago my girlfriend was raped as she was leaving work thankfully she was not killed however her attacker did threaten her with a knife fortunately the store she works at had cameras in the parking lot and between them getting video of the attack and the bank across the street getting the attacker's car on camera the police were able to catch him within a day between the video and DNA testing he did not contest he just pleaded guilty in exchange for not receiving the maximum sentence since there were aggravating circumstances like the knife the judge gave him a 20-year sentence and with time for good behavior he can be out in about 10 years give or take I tell you all of that to make it clear that her attacker is no longer a threat she doesn't have to fear Him coming back for her for at least 10 years obviously this was a very traumatic event in her life and while I wasn't a victim per se it was traumatic for me as well I can't imagine what she went through and I don't compare my situation to hers at all however I've had severe bouts of depression because I couldn't protect her and knowing someone else was harming her was sometimes almost more than I could handle after the incident she didn't want to see me I get that it hurt but I understood her parents picked her up from the hospital and I didn't see or hear from her for a week which I sort of get but I think I could have gotten a text or something just saying she was okay finally a week in her sister calls me and lets me know that she is staying with her parents and will be calling me in a couple of days she never called me instead I once again get a text from her sister saying she would like me to come over for a few minutes so we could talk I get up and go over and I'm greeted at the door by her mother who very calmly and very coldly starts laying out how I am to act and what I am to say I am further instructed not to attempt any physical contact with her not even a hug okay again I get it major trauma I'm sure they have been coached by therapists counselors or something on what to say and do around her so I play along I walk in and she is sitting on a chair with her dad standing next to her and her sister sitting on the couch as I walk in the room the sister starts talking and telling me that my girlfriend wants me to know that she is okay but obviously has been traumatized and appreciates my understanding in her recovery she never said one single word to me and barely looked at me again this was right after the event and I understand that this is how it has to be but honest to God that entire conversation was just awkward as hell I leave go home and attempt to focus on how I can help her I start googling how to deal with a rape Survivor and what I can expect she starts going to therapy initially two times a week then after two months it goes down to once a week in the meantime she finally makes contact with me and asks to meet at a coffee shop I get there and she is already there and waiting at this point in time they had her so medicated that I was dealing with a zombie for the most part there was no emotion and she was very methodical in Her speech basically she wanted to get together that day to to tell me that she couldn't go out with me for a while until she got past some issues she was dealing with of course I told her I understood this was almost a month after the attack and this was our first conversation by ourselves so I was already living under this assumption I told her I would be there for her and that whatever she needed whether that be space or a shoulder to cry on I was there for her I started to tell her that I loved her and she stopped me she told me that right now she didn't want to hear that and that I had to respect her wishes I was once again a little hurt and frankly surprised but I said whatever she wanted she starts texting me the next day little things nothing important but I think it was a big step in getting back to where we were this goes on for another month and a half I finally asked her at the month and a half mark if we could meet for dinner she didn't reply for 2 days and then said she had to wait to talk to her therapist finally she agreed to meet but set the date for another month away now mind you this is almost 4 months after the attack and so far I've had one physical conversation with her in person and one bizarre conversation with her and her family oh yeah I need to mention this I am not being updated on her progress by anyone granted I realize that I am not officially family nor am I entitled to anything but it would have been nice to just get a text or call or something from someone telling me that she was doing good in therapy or was not or anything we go out to eat at a small beastro that we ate at all the time I met her there and I was waiting for her to show up after sitting for half an hour waiting I text to see what was up I just get a text of on my way she finally arrives and sits down I ask her how she has been and she snaps at me and told me not to ask her personal questions we ate and after dinner I wanted to just sit and talk because I missed the person I had talked to almost every day for the previous 3 years after she finished her meal she expressed her desire to return home I suggested she linger a few more moments to chat yet I noticed her growing visibly anxious not wishing to distress her further I conveyed my love and sense of missing her but she departed regardless the following day she resumed texting as if the previous day tensions never occurred our encounters became weekly lunch dates during which she seemed increasingly at ease spending more time conversing she even shared news of her new employment this pattern continued for 4 months despite my happiness in seeing her I couldn't shake off a deep sense of loneliness as we hadn't even held hands one day she unexpectedly missed our lunch I texted to check on her with no response and her parents were evasive when I called it left me worried not about her whereabouts but for her well-being her mother eventually confirmed she was fine but hinted at a communication break I began to suspect a health relapse might have led to hospitalization but was left with no clear answers two weeks passed in silence driven by concern I contacted her sister only to learn she had instructed her family to block communication with me this left me heartbroken bewildered by what I might have done wrong I had been cautious keeping our interactions light to avoid upsetting her then I get a text from her asking if I would meet with her at an address I wasn't familiar with but once I looked it up I determined this was a therapist's office I am told to be there at 4: which meant I had to leave work early to get there I check in at the front desk and I'm told that the therapist wants to speak to me alone for a few minutes she comes in and I now know where the parents were getting this from because after formally greeting me she then started to provide me with a list of dos and don'ts she then told me that my girlfriend wanted to speak to me and had something to tell me I go in and she is sitting on one chair and I am instructed to sit in the other she has a box of tissues and has been crying the therapist tells me that I am here because my girlfriend has something to to tell me and that she wanted the safety of the therapist's office to feel safe she then proceeds to tell me that the reason she did not meet me for lunch that day is that she was with another guy somebody from her new job and that they had been intimate with each other she might as well have taken a gun out and shot me it couldn't have hurt anymore I just drop my head and begin to cry the therapist then pipes in with some logic about her taking back her sexuality since she was attacked and how this wasn't cheating in the same sense of cheating my girlfriend then proceeds to tell me that she does not want to lose me and that she is just very [ __ ] up in the head and that it was a one-time thing and blah blah blah I feel very trapped at that moment I felt like I was ganged up on and the more I sat the matter I got I finally just said to her you haven't so much as held my hand in the past half year yet you can go [ __ ] some guy you met at work while I sit like a jackass waiting for my junior high likee date this of course caused her to go into hysterics and the therapist asked me to leave I apologized and told her to text me if she wants to if she wants to keep working this out I get that text later that day now she is all chatty and [ __ ] telling me that this was the worst mistake of her life and please talk to her I tell her that I don't know if I can go on with this but agree to meet her I Flatout tell her right up front when I see her that for me to even consider going forward with this that she has to cut this other guy off period She tells me that is impossible because they work together and I tell her that I'm sorry but I won't even consider it if she is going to see this guy every day she decides to find another job and after talking with my sister who I have told everything to she said that while it is not common some women do attempt to have sex after being attacked so that they feel like they have power again now why I am not the one she did this with I have no idea but I know I feel like I am being punished for something I did not even do she changes jobs and we go back to our lunches and I do this twice when I tell her that I am getting a little tired of just meeting for lunch and doing nothing else so she agrees to come over to watch TV with me that has been it up until tonight tonight she came over and we watched two movies and ate pizza during the second movie I tried to give her a kiss nothing more Just a Kiss she backs away as though I was a cross and she was a vampire and tells me she is not ready for that yet okay not my finest moment here I admit but I tell her that it's been a year and a month and I have not tried one thing with her or forced her into anything and yet she willingly had sex with someone else months ago but here I am still waiting to hold hands she of course starts crying but this time I'm not as fast to apologize I do apologize for the tone of my voice and tell her that I would never try and force her to do anything against her will but honestly I feel like I have been kept on the outside I've been cheated on I don't give two shits what they call it she willingly had unprotected sex with someone else and I feel like I have done everything to try and be a supportive boyfriend I tell her that honestly I don't want her to text me until I decide what I'm going to do I don't want to be unfair to her but by the same token a year is a long time and we are really no closer to being back to normal than we were 6 months ago and I have no idea how long this will go on now here is the part where if you didn't think I was an [ __ ] before you will now I am just tired of not having sex look I certainly understood not trying anything right afterward and even months afterward but it's been over a year and we're not even holding hands and frankly the fact that she has been with someone else since this incident is killing me inside so I told her that I am going to think things through and promise to talk with her next week sometime but as it stands tonight I think I'm done I love her I hate the [ __ ] who ruined both of our Lives I know this isn't her fault and I hate that I feel like [ __ ] no matter what I do if I stay I am going to be resentful and even if she comes over tomorrow and has sex with me it will feel like either pity sex or desperation sex but I know ending this will be punishing her for something that isn't her fault either my God this is way too long update first let me say that when I wrote my first post I was obviously in a very bad place that night's incident was very fresh on my mind and the pain I was feeling at that moment was more than I could handle I typed that out which was cathartic to me then decided to crawl into a bottle of gy beam I called in sick yesterday from work which was not a lie as I had the hangover from hell and spent time alternating between vomiting and laying with an ice bag on my head I finally opened up Reddit last night and to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement I could not believe the number of messages I had in my inbox I lost count to be honest with you but it was way in excess of 1K thank you from the bottom of my heart there were so many people who opened up to me about their own experience either being the victim or being the S so of a victim each of your stories touched me more than I could say one in particular got to me and I'm not going to lie I sat at my keyboard and cried for 20 minutes reading his story it was so eerily similar to mine that it was as if it was happening to me all over again however this was written from an older gentleman who went through virtually the same thing and had to make similar choices thank you sir I won't share any details since that was sent to me in confidence but you truly touched me that all being said here I am today although universally I was told I was not an [ __ ] and not in the wrong it still doesn't feel right I feel like an absolute failure and that if I would have just been more assertive early on in the process that we could have changed things I don't think I made clear enough how much I loved and still love her letting this relationship go is like saying I have to lose an arm I haven't eaten any solid food since Sunday night I know I have to quit drinking yes I called into to work again today but right now feeling numb is better than what I feel like I have to do before I go over my intentions I do want to clear up a couple of things as I said I wrote that while I was still very upset and hurt so I think I was probably either not clear enough or maybe painted a couple of people in a bad light first to her parents yes I've known her parents since 3 weeks into our relationship they have never been anything but kind to me and we have eaten at their house twice a month since we have been together my family has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve so I have spent three of the Past Four Christmases at her house with them I do not fault or blame them their child was brutalized and traumatized so they circled the wagon around her which while I do not have any kids I certainly understand that she was top priority to them her dad has been as hurt as anyone by this and I have been heartbroken to see this giant of a man he's honest to God six to six tall broken like this her sister has honestly been my lifeline she has talked with me and has always tried to be as open as she can with me yes they knew about the cheating and that is why I got the runaround no they did not support her decision to do this however they did not want to be involved other than to be there for her second her therapist might be incompetent I have no way to judge that however in rereading what I typed I think I made it come out worse than it really was she did not try and excuse what she did nor did she try and justify it like I implied after a few seconds of awkward silence that was only interrupted by my crying she said that some women do that also I did read where some people thought it was the therapist who recommended she do this and that couldn't be farther from the truth my girlfriend told her in therapy what she had done and she is the one who convinced my girlfriend to tell me they both agreed to do it there so she felt safe I just wanted to clear those two things up because I did not do either of them any justice my girlfriend is was my best friend I confided in her for for everything I have some work Associates that I am friendly with but I am hundreds of miles from where I grew up and all of my friends are there and either are married or very career-driven so I don't have what you would call a real support network my sister has been there for me to a point but there is a real complication to that even my girlfriend and my sister are best friends in fact it's how I met my girlfriend so while my sister loves me and wants what's best for me she is also very sympathetic to her friend and doesn't want me to do anything to hurt either of us she does not support her in the cheating but has tried to basically smooth that over she does not know though that we my girlfriend and myself have not been together sexually since the rape honestly that is none of her business and I think she would be really disgusted with me if I let her think that this even had anything to do with it my girlfriend has been blowing up my phone with texts since Sunday night she is saying everything that I have wanted her to say since about a month after the rape I've gotten more I love yous in the past day than I have in the past year I've only responded twice to her so she does know I'm reading them that is making the next part very hard to do I came to the decision last night early this morning that for my own mental well-being I can't do this anymore believe me when I say that I know what a failure it is and how horrible it makes me feel so here is my plan I know it is chicken [ __ ] on my part but I have typed a letter and I am going to send it to her therapist along with a note to the therapist explaining what to do for my girlfriend to read in her office that way there is immediate support for her I don't want her to be any more abandoned than what I am going to be doing that is heartbreaking to type by the way when she goes for her appointment Friday morning I will then send emails to her parents and a text to her sister informing them of what is happening so that way they can be there for her when she gets out here is word for word the letter I have written her the only thing that is different is that I am not using her or her therapists real names here please read it and let me know if I am out of line or if I am too cruel or if this will trigger any type of mental trauma related to her rape I have zero intention of inflicting any more pain than what is normal with a break up dear Sarah I know that this is not the best way of doing this but honestly if I had to look you in the eyes I know I could not go through with this I have loved you since the first month we have been together and the first three years of our relationship were the best three years of my life you were my everything and I know that we had both talked about marriage a lot and I know and believe with all of my heart that we were going to be married nothing would have made me any more happy or proud than to be called your husband I don't know how to say this because every fiber of my being does not want to say this but for my own mental health going forward I have to let you go believe me when I say that decision did not come easily to me nor can I say that it is not heartbreaking on my end I have always and still love you but I can't be with you anymore you need to heal and you need to be able to focus 100% on you while you are healing and having to worry about me and my feelings is only getting in the way of your healing I will always hate the bastard who did this to you he has ruined so many lives that life in prison seems a lot more appropriate than what he got but I don't get to make that call I know holding on to hate is not healthy but he has ruined my life as well as yours I know you are going to hate me for this I don't blame you at all I know that you feel abandoned But please understand I have done everything in my power to be there for you I wanted to be more involved in your healing but for whatever reason I was somewhat excluded from being a significant part of your inner circle this has left me feeling very lonely and alienated from you and your family I wanted nothing but the best for you and wanted to be there for you and I hope I was whenever you would let me I won't lie you seeking comfort in the the arms of another while still to this day denying me any affection has weighed very heavily on me I did then and I do now forgive you but forgiving does not take away the soul crushing pain that comes along with that I understand to a point why you might have done it I don't agree with it and I never will but I maybe see why however that has nothing to do with the fact that we are one year and a month past your incident and you still treat me as though I did something wrong or will do something wrong to you when you withdrew the other night from my attempt at a kiss I knew then that you were still in need of healing and I have no idea how long that will be but I can't put my life on hold indefinitely which is where we are still I know it is very selfish of me but I need affection I need both mental and physical intimacy our conversations have been both generic and Bland for the past year which believe me I can understand why but we used to spend hours talking about our future and what we wanted now at best we talk about what movies we want to watch what I am doing is in no way because of what happened to you that event was horrible and life-changing for you and I never ever had a second thought about you because of it this this is all about your recovery and how you have to heal for whatever reason reasons you may not even know yourself you have completely distanced yourself from me I've tried with all of my heart to get back to you but it is painfully apparent that I am no closer to you now than I was right after the incident also to be very clear so you do not think this is about anything else there is no one else Harry I am not seeing anyone I don't have eyes for anyone nor do I think anytime soon I will I am not now nor have I ever cheated on you I hope with all of my heart for you to be fully healed soon I want you to be happy I hope someday you can look back on our time together with fondness and find it in your heart to forgive me I will always love you this breaks my heart more than you will ever know love Chad thank you again to everybody I know I type a boatload but it just feels good to get this out I have to have it to her therapist by tomorrow now the question is do I have the fortitude to send it update I've learned that this is really a loving and caring Community for the most part I have been given numbers to call emails to read and lists of things to read to help me on my journey I deeply appreciate the very moving stories I have been told and believe it or not I have read every one of them even though at last count I was close to 2,500 messages people have offered to buy me drinks hang out and I even got one offer for a hand job to relieve my stress which was both flattering and amusing all at the same time however the main thing that I have learned recently is never to sign your real name to an open public letter if you don't want it to somehow get back to the people in your life it makes it a little hard to deny it was you when every single detail is the same and you use your own dumbass name many people wanted an update about how things went simply put it didn't in review I had written the letter and then with the help of several redditors had Rewritten the letter with better format and I did edit out the part that the rapist ruined her because I agreed that this was not an appropriator thing to say in fact I almost edited him out altogether other than saying I wish he had gotten a longer sentence however I did leave the part about being her husband I know a lot of people wanted me to take that out but I just felt deeply that I had to say that I can't really explain why of course my intention originally was to mail it to her therapist's office with instructions for what to say but I knew there was zero chance that she would get it in time so I was going to take it to her and see if I could speak with her notice how that was all in the past tense as in what I was going to do well I never got the chance Wednesday night late at night in fact I have a knock on my door lo and behold it is her sister and and my sister together her sister was holding papers in her hands and my sister walks in and her sister walks in with her obviously something is up so I ask what's wrong and her sister hands me a print out of my posts and the replies to my previous two threads and she simply asks is this you at first I tried to deny it I couldn't really remember everything I had written in particular the first post so I was kind of trying to avoid any problems if I said something I shouldn't have but my sister just straight up got in my face and told me to stop [ __ ] lying which by then I was caught I knew and she knew it I just dropped my head this then led to a very long conversation that lasted until the wee hours of the morning at first her sister was very much emotional because of Coursey she loves her sister and was crying asking me how I could want to do this to her much to my surprise though my sister stood up for me here and actually kind of ripped her sister a new [ __ ] she said that I had gone Way Beyond what most people had and that Sarah should not one year later still be withholding affection from me she had no idea that we still weren't physically as close as we once were like I said I never told her once my sister got done talking I'm going to call her sister Susan just so I can stop typing her sister Susan said that in reality she knew that she was right she begged me not to go through with my letter she said that I had promised to give Sarah a week which I had she then gave a very impassioned speech about how much she can tell I still love her and how much she knows she still loves me my sister also agreed that there was too much love present in my heart to just do this right away she said and it made sense at the time what is another week compared to what you have been through so long story short I agreed to not take the letter over whether it was guilt regret or love I can't say but I agreed to it this then led to the single most embarrassing thing in my life happening Susan gave me a very big hug and cried as they were leaving it's been a very long time since I've had any type of close contact and let's just say it's not a lot of fun being called a disgusting Pig by your sister all I could do was say how very sorry and how embarrassed I was fortunately Susan seemed to take it in stride she just wanted to make sure that I would talk with Sarah the next day even though I was a virtual zombie from lack of sleep I went ahead and went to work I have lots of PTO time available to me but I didn't want to burn it all up over this in case I needed time later I got home from work and my intention was to go straight to bed after eating dinner and maybe watching some TV that went to hell in a hurry as I was eating my dinner when someone is knocking on my door again this time it was Susan and Sarah this time Sarah is holding the print out you can tell they both had been crying and Susan asked if they could come in I just shook my head yes because I was honestly a little nervous and no matter what she has done or not done seeing Sarah emotional always upsets me and she physically looked horrible I mean as bad as she did after the rape they sat on the couch and Sarah already had tears streaming down her face we all kind of just sat there for what seemed like an eternity looking at each other I wasn't going to speak first I had no idea what to say or do so I just sat there eventually I broke thou and asked Sarah if she wanted some water or something to drink she actually said yes so I got up and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of ice water and when I turned around she was standing right behind me all she said to me was are you really going to leave me I couldn't answer I just looked into her eyes and felt broken and ashamed we went and sat down but this time she sat next to me she started to read my first post to me but could not make it through it Susan jumps in at this point and says they had spent the day talking and they had gone over the post and most of the replies and said that Sarah was very sorry for how she treated me she said that they have spoken to their parents and everybody agreed that the way I was treated was not fair seeing it in writing really struck a nerve with all of them because they could see how hurt I was and that even though I could have blamed all of them I didn't Sarah is shaking her head yes the entire time Sarah then managed to talk and just laid out how she obviously did not give me enough consideration and that she now sees that what she did was horrible to me when I have been nothing but compassionate and loving towards her she begged me for another chance she said that sometimes in life you need a kick in the ass to get moving and she said me wanting to break up with her was her wakeup call she can't and won't take me for granted and said she had a Year's worth of apologizing to do to me Susan actually very calmly said that they had spoken at length in the afternoon about her infidelity and then not even touching me Sarah then replied that she had no real excuses she knows that what she did was horrible and that she had no right to ask me for forgiveness but was going to anyway she also said that she is making it the top priority of her life that she talk with her therapist to get past any physical limitations she has with me this went on for a long time by the way I could give you a lot more of what was said but this is already a wall of text as it is the one thing though that I want to say is that while she was talking to me she was holding my hand she reached out and took it now I realize that she read my posts and I made a big deal about that in my posts but whether she did it because she read it or just did it on her own she used to do that all the time I won't deny that it felt really good they ended up staying the night no before you get any crazy porn movie ideas nothing happened between any of us Susan slept on the futon and Sarah on the couch and I actually went to my bed I called in early Thursday morning to work before I went to bed as I knew that I would not be able to function on so little sleep I get awoken around 10: by Sarah sitting next to me in the bed rubbing her hands on my arm to wake me up she said that they were getting ready to leave because she had moved up her therapy session to 11:00 and she didn't want to leave without telling me how much she loved me and to let me know she was coming right back after the session she leaned over and kissed me it wasn't a long passionate kiss in fact it was just kind of a quick kiss but right on the lips this was a mistake I'm sure because that broke my resolve right there up until that point I was still holding on to the thought that this was all just words and that it took me threatening to leave her to get her to even pay attention to me one PM I got from a rape Survivor kept going over in my head that if she was able to come around because of the threat of me leaving then this was not all due to her emotional trauma because if it was due to that then no threat of me leaving was going to change this but between my sister her sister and her every wall that I was builing to protect myself was crumbling and that kiss pretty much was the wrecking ball that tore them all down I went back to sleep and around 1 she shows back up at my place carrying lunch Susan was not in tow so it was just going to be the two of us we ended up spending the afternoon together we ended up spending the weekend together yes you can infer from that what occurred between us I'll just say that I was probably more scared about it than she was I was worried about triggering anything or saying or doing anything that would upset her she on the other hand was very loving and emotional about it she cried afterward W for a good long while which caused me to freak but she said it was a combination of joy and regret that she had forgotten how love felt and it just kind of overwhelmed her we laid there for hours she had the recommendation from her therapist for a couple's counselor who we are going to start seeing next week I know this isn't what a lot of people wanted to read and all I can say is that I'm sorry to disappoint you and yes I am prepared for the plethora of name calling from some people but at the end of the day I have to worry about myself and my happiness here for the first time in over a year I have been happy for 4 days I know that this isn't the end that we are still going to have hurdles to overcome I honestly believe that this was a wake-up call for her if not then why go through all of the emotional drama and turmoil wouldn't she just let it go bottom line is I love her I have always loved her and all I wanted was for her to show me she loved me as well this past weekend was a really bonding experience for me and for her as well I think we can build something new together thank you Reddit I felt the love from you guys as well I am ultimately a very lucky man

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Length: 27min 56sec (1676 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 30 2024