Full Episode: Rise Of The Grandfamily | The Mel Robbins Show

today you already raised your kids and now you're raising their kids why are you getting upset I'm putting this on this Jessica mom cares the rise of the grand family your 15 year old granddaughter is pregnant or about to be raising two children how to make a breakthrough before you have a breakdown today on Mel I'm Mel Robbins and I'm a life coach has helped millions of people get the life they deserve it's about small steps and big breakthroughs I believe in you and together we got this [Applause] [Applause] we have a really great show today my life's work has been dedicated to helping women who are overwhelmed by taking care of so many that sometimes they forget to take care of themselves that's why I'm sharing this quote you can't pour from an empty cup that's right I just heard up mm-hmm as women we pour our hearts into everything and everyone around us and that cup it can run empty real fast now one in ten children are being raised in the United States in a three generation home right now I want you to meet Tawana who is currently the head of her grand family my husband and I've been living as a grand family with my daughter and her son for the last four years have you know got pregnant at the age of 22 we were thrilled to be grandparents I thought her living with us would be temporary I don't live with my mom as a new mom will be helpful but instead it's gonna headache every Ella and I have different ideas when it comes to parenting I believe children need structure but she lets her son go to bed wherever he wants and whenever he wants my mom always makes comments on how I parent it's hard being a young mom juggling Parenthood and working full time I'm doing the best I can when I raised my kids they had a bad time and it was lights out whether they liked it or not I want my mom to understand just cuz I don't do things at her way doesn't mean she wasn't a good mom in a way she raised me I know she's gonna move on some time soon and I don't want arguments over parenting differences to change our relationship forever we need mouse Hulk so we could both be on the same page when it comes to parents and my son I really hope that Mel can help us figure out how to communicate better all right you too well thank you for being here and I want to start Tawana with how you felt when you found out that your daughter was first pregnant I was shocked and afraid because I was kind of worried about how was she juggle her first job and being a new mom and I know Ariel that this was supposed to be temporary but it's now four years later right do you have any plans in the future to move out yes of course ma'am oh my father decided that we will move out eventually but right now it's better for me to stand because it's easier for my mom to help me with baby sin and all the household things especially when it comes to Omari you mean easier for you yeah easier for your mom I want to go inside the day-to-day of your grand family household and what are you doing to help out with raising Omari I take him to his father's house when I'm at work because I go to work in the morning yep and in the summer time I keep him all day I also go shopping I do all the shopping I take care of Omari by buying him clothes and covering his toys and I also help her when she needs to go out on her you know single dates because she do need time as a parent to be alone so I give her those times as well wow you're very lucky to have a mother that's supportive right [Applause] [Music] um so Ariel how is your parenting style different than your mother's I'm one of the laid-back one of my mom was really uptight she like the hardcore lover like she's more so like oh you got to do this you got to do that and I'm more so like let him be such as when he goes to bed time she wants me to be a bed at 9:00 I'm like no he could go to bed whenever he wants and also how old is he four so how late does he go to bed sometimes 12 a.m. seriously yeah here's what I like about there's a lot I like about you but what I like about you is when you start telling me this stuff mm-hmm you give me that smile yes that you actually know is that is that fair to say a little bit okay so how do you know how do you parent Omar differently when I say go to bed it means go to bed it's time it's time I was brought up in a time where when you're a child you do what you're told to do not what everyone else can just like that and does he move when you say move yes when mom isn't dad it's not around and I say go to bed he goes to bed yeah yes so let's talk about the financial stress of living in a multi-generational household how has having them in your household impacted you from a financial level tomorrow well me and my husband we work overtime my husband is a bus driver he picks up weekends and I'm a teacher so I do tutoring on the side so that we'll be able to afford the extra bills that we get electric and water and making sure that dinner is on the table everything and also helping out with paying for you know the things that Mari may need why are you getting upset right now honey just the whole stressful the things that might I'm playing so my stressful on parents I'm sure it's a huge emotional load for you - it's not easy to be a young mom and I know why by the way you are not putting your son to bed at nine o'clock this is really common with working mothers and one of the reasons why is you're not with your son most of the day because you're working hard and so you feel guilty that you haven't been there and so you keep them up longer and you let them do things that you wouldn't normally do which is why you're kind of smiling about it because you feel guilty that you're not there I totally understand and it doesn't mean though that just because we understand that that's actually the right thing for you or the right thing for your mom or the right thing for Omari okay and this isn't about making you wrong it's hard to be a single parent right this is the reality that you're living in and what we're here to do is we're here to help the two of you live in the reality that you're in but help each other fill one another's cups up right because when your cup is empty you get sad mm-hmm you get stressed out you start to feel a little stuck and so what we're gonna do today is help you take a step so that you can help one another okay okay so what worries do you have for your daughter and your grandson well my greatest worry is when they move out I just want to make sure she's able to balance work and being a mom I'll be worried that she can manage and take care of him without me and me to help her yes and you know when you're so busy worrying about her and taking care of your grandson and working extra hours who's taking care of you well myself and sometimes my husband you know he takes out time they'd say just go relax I'll cook and I'll do this just extra but then who's worrying about him yes that's er just goes around and around and this is the reality for so many families and so Arielle I really believe that you not having a set bedtime is causing your mom stress and so the first thing that Omari needs and this is causing you stress too and you don't realize it is he needs a schedule and he needs a bedtime [Applause] [Music] I want you to call me right now when you're with your mom cuz it's her house her rules and this is something you two argue about and this is one way that you could fill her Cup by honoring something and respecting one of her rules what time are you willing to put Omari to bed I'm gonna put him to bed I said okay how about a little earlier what time are you leaving to go to bed what times it should have four nine nine thirty okay the clock will be great for me okay terrific so can we and how does the cup feel does a cup feel like it's filling a little okay so cuz I'm thinking about you going up you know going to the bedroom is 9 o'clock 9 to 9:30 is the whatever you do whether it's the blankie and the books or whatever you do to soothe him and 9:30 I heard it I heard you're on the tape it's lights out okay and now guess what you have extra time for you I'm great which you don't have either we'll meet another brand family Wendy was a team mom she's been raising her granddaughter since birth and now the cycle continues because her 15 year old granddaughter is pregnant we'll be right back [Music] next I am also incredibly worried about you and the fact that you don't have anybody taking care of you it's okay it's a hot and later there are two sisters on the verge of ending their relationship her angry attitude is absolutely exhausting if my sister can accept me for who I am and I want her out of my life I've been the head of my grand family for the last 15 years my husband and I took my son and his pregnant girlfriend before my granddaughter cadence was born when things didn't work out with my son and Cadence's mother I offered to let cadence stay with me so she wasn't affected by all the changes in her life it's not easy being a grandmother and a mother all at the same time I have moments when I feel stressed out and nothing I ever do is right now please help me figure out how we could be the best grand family possible today we're talking about the rise of grand families the reality that so many families have multi generations all living under one roof and grandma is taking care of everyone but has no time to take care of herself joining us now is Wendy and her 15 year old granddaughter cadence Wendy when did cadence move into the house cadence is 15 she's been with me since the moment she's been born and when my son and his girlfriend her mother decided to separate a couple years ago we thought it would be best that she stay with me so that the changes in the family wouldn't affect her how does the worry of raising your granddaughter impact you oh it's very stressful between the financial burden of trying to get her medical care just the stress of having limited parental rights not being able to sign everything that I need to sign did you feel caught between the roles of trying to parent students and also being her grandmother definitely Oh first is parenting I can't have fun I want to be grandma but I have a role of parent right now so if there's rules and before we can have a good time together so if you're so busy worrying about cadence and taking care of her and figuring all this stuff out who's taking care of you Mel no one that has got to change no it really does because I want to get something straight I understand that you were team yeah and now your 15 year old granddaughter is pregnant and so you're about to be a great-grandmother raising two children yes in the house how do you feel about the situation I'm scared I want her my most important thing is for her to graduate high school get a college education so this way she will be financially able to support her child's when I was seventeen I didn't have that so cadence what does it feel like to hear your grandmother's concern and worries about you and your future it like I understand that it's gonna be very hard but I know that she's gonna be there for me and to support me in the baby and I just want her to know that no matter what I'm gonna focus on my education and raising the child to the best of my ability the way that she did terrific the decision to become a mom even though you're 15 is an adult decision the more that you focus on making decisions that help you climb that ladder and pull yourself up and use your grandmother as an inspiration the more you're filling her cup because this isn't all on her shoulders even though it probably feels like it Wendy yes the more that you start to take responsibility not only for being an awesome mother but also being an awesome woman right and getting your education that actually takes care of your grandmother yeah okay but I am also incredibly worried about you and the fact that you don't have anybody taking care of you it's okay it's a lot it is and it's a hard thing to talk about because you know you're happy that you have a grandchild coming and that's something to celebrate it's not this yea it's terrifying and and you know the road ahead because you've lived it mm-hm and you know how hard it is to be a teen mom and you know how hard it is to fight for your education and to find time for yourself and to work through the stress of this that doesn't mean that you're not going to you know Maya Angelou had her only child at the age of 17 and went on to become one of the most regarded poets and best-selling authors of all time this doesn't define you it's yet another experience in your life and you get to choose how you respond to it but Wendy I feel so strongly that you need a support system and you know as women we pour so much into everybody else mm-hmm that unless the support system is built-in we isolate right that's true are you guilty of doing this yeah but okay so I don't care if it's a book club if it's a circle of women at a church if it's neighbors that you like there are other grandmother's going through this mm-hmm I need you to circle up with some women get a bundt cake you know and a cup of coffee or tea mm-hmm and have a safe place where you convent where you have share ideas where you can talk about the boundaries that you need and I also think one of the most important things for you is you've got to define the rules in your household mm-hmm because every time you show her what boundaries are you're teaching her something right okay awesome all right well the grandeur for filling up Bradley Scott when we come back [Music] [Applause] up next sometimes I feel like I'm a built-in babysitter whenever you say no and you draw some boundaries and make them responsible you're teaching them something Wow they got that and later they're sisters on the verge of losing each other for good when she voices something she doesn't think about what other people might feel about what she's about to say why would I care what other people have the states I don't want the two of you to lose each other as sisters [Music] [Applause] welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and I've been talking about grand families and I'm reminding grandmothers you can't pour from an empty cup and I'm here with Vivian and Arlene so Vivian your grandmother yes I am Wow yes what a grandmother seven grandmother of seven yes Wow [Applause] I know my ground family that's my heart they're not here with me so far away but I miss them oh I bet you do yeah you do what are some of the issues that you're facing in your well one thing is that sometimes I feel like I'm a built-in babysitter yes yes and I wonder how can I say no without them feeling like I don't want to have anything to do with them or I don't want to help out my children gotcha well you know my producers told me you were in the military yes well thank you for your service no because I would've oh yeah you're suffering from what I call grandma guilt exactly right it's when you feel guilty saying no to your grandkids oh yeah here's what I want to do though I want to turn it into what I call grandma gold because you're not actually saying no to your grandkids okay you're saying no to your kids and whenever you say no and you draw some boundaries and make them responsible for their own lives you're teaching them something okay Wow Wow they do that [Applause] yeah what happened I mean I saw something different there yeah because you know the thing is is like if they give you enough warning you'll plan your life around it if you're the on-call babysitter that doesn't work then when you say no you teach them how to be responsible for their life listen to our lien laughing over and then gives you time for yourself and it removes the resentment that comes up when you start to feel like you're being taken for granted I feel different now it's a grandpa changed everything all right now let's talk to Arlene Arlene it's your turn and Arlene I need to brag a little bit Arlene is the mother of my rock star producer Danielle Danielle [Applause] and I just have to say you are a great example of what happens when grand families really work and the power of them because Danielle is a single mom she just bought her first home because the support that she received from mom and dad at home so Arlene great job but I know there's always some things we can improve so what is going on in your grand family well I love my grandson I love my daughter I'm one of the primary caregivers for my grandson and I love doing it I love being with them I hear a but coming I try and help my daughter in any way I can I she does work a chance once but she doesn't appreciate me I do the laundry I go food shopping I run errands I give up in Toronto beds I pick them up from school but it doesn't seem like if she criticized her Oh like how do I do you not feel appreciated because she'll come home and oh you didn't do this right or didn't you do this hey Danielle look at your face I'm hard on myself and she's always been harder on me we have an expectation that everything is gonna be perfect between us learning through you perfection is not really reality but it's hard I like I do have a guy expectations of us she's always been able to do everything she raised me worked and I just felt like well why can't you do it here's the thing I want you and all daughters including myself and hopefully my two daughters to understand is that you know we talked about the cup right and how when you pour yourself into everybody else you're giving all your energy and you're pouring out your energy into everything and when we criticize we're also pouring out the cup and so what I want you to do and what I work on doing all the time and I'm getting better at it because I'm thinking about it is every time you appreciate your mom you compliment your mom you thank her but you fill her couple little [Applause] I appreciate how much you do for us I really do appreciate I haven't had to do laundry in the last like month or two to you or anything I thank you so much I'm sorry that I criticized what you do and what are you gonna stop criticizing her like the one thing that drives you bananas that you always pick on her about pick pick pick pick pick come on well what's the one that drives you crazy I know but what are you crazy think I'll do the laundry I'll put the clothes away you go you didn't color coordinate my shirts Danielle do your own laundry for cryin out you know do your own five ever go CD then do your own laundry if you want it done right back coming up well these two sisters and their relationship today her angry attitude is absolutely exhausting it's hard to believe that we're even related this is about the circumstances the two of you survived [Applause] [Music] welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and today we're talking about a strange man ow I've picked this quote for our next two guests sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together Robyn and her sister land-run are here because they're about to end their relationship forever so they reached out for my help in a last-ditch effort before they say I'm done my sister lagi I have never been close she's really hard to handle hurt angry I don't care attitude is absolutely exhausting even though we're only 19 months apart we didn't grow up close we're two completely different people it's hard to believe that we're even related I think she's always too happy and smiling she tells me all the time that I'm mean and aggressive I'm at a point where I'm happy with myself in my life because I've been removing toxic people from my circle she's the last toxic person left and I'm trying to make it work because she's my sister if my sister can't accept me for who I am then I want her out of my life you know Landon I've been doing this show for a while and you're the first person that I've ever seen not watch the video what's going on right now I just don't feel like I'm otaku the person okay so when she called you angry and exhausting and toxic that's not an accurate description of you know I just feel like that's her perception of me so why do you call her toxic and exhausting and angry well I'm very happy right I want to laugh I want everybody to you know get along and say I'm walking down the street and I see someone say I like their hair and she would be like oh why do you have to you know talk to them like just leave them alone but I want everybody to be you know kind and happy and smile you know so that's why and I know that that you also say she's too smiley yeah and she's too happy yes so why does that bother you we can just be going somewhere we're going to handle business get something and leave and she decides to spend an hour in a grocery store communicating with the people talking and laughing and I other stuff to do I just feel like that selfish and she's holding up my time were you always like this yeah I feel like well we're a little we're really really young we were in out of foster home so when we were really really young I do see pictures of us like laughing together smiling I don't remember them where were really kids but you know as we got older 12 years old 10 years old you know 13 that's when it started how would you describe your relationship with your sister right now I don't know I was like it's like very distant we're not close it's just very I'm just like more to myself yeah we go to the same college but we don't ever talk to each other to each other the campus is big and we have different classes we have different interests we're just two different people what do you want your relationship to be like with her honestly just a better connection because you know I see other people and their families and their sisters where there's on TV or everyday life and their clothes and they're getting along you know they can come to they like sister for like advice or help I just feel like I never had that and what do you want I want I want happiness I want everybody to get along with each other I want her to be like I want to like dress up I the acts her like you wanna go to mall let's go and she's not like really into getting you know dressed up she's not into going places I feel like I but that's just me if I don't want to go to the mall I'm not going to the mall it's like you're trying to change her here's what I'm trying to understand because cuz here's the thing like there's the personality stuff mm-hmm that causes a chafe right because you're not the same as me you don't like the stuff that I like but there are plenty of siblings on the planet there are total opposites that have a connection this is a connection this isn't about changing her right you know here's here's something that's happening for me okay so after all my days as a lawyer for legal aid and the years I spent as a crisis intervention counselor I know that this is not a personality issue that we're dealing with I think that there is something deeper that has blocked the connection between the two of you and that's the thing that is standing in the way of the two of you having the connection that I think you actually won so let's find out what that deeper thing is when we come back next this is not a personality disagreement this is about the circumstances the two of you survived my stand of an old handsome don't look at me like that yes [Applause] [Music] welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and sisters Robyn and Landry are here and they're making a last-ditch effort to save their relationship as sisters or sever it and Robyn I want you to paint a picture for me what was life like for you and Landon growing up our life was very this disastrous my mom used to really like beat me up and I was a runner so I would run away and I would meet all these people and try to get that love and attention that I didn't get from my family hmm and I would allow them to abuse me without even realizing it hmm and what about the childhood do you want to add in terms of the description to what you two faced honestly it was like horrible we never used to eat we always used to get abused my mom always let her partners abuse this not only does she do it she also allowed other people to do it I never had a stability in my life and I never had that connection with my parents growing up you're older yes so did you feel the need to protect her I did we didn't have like someone else like we would go like we would leave our home to go to school to escape the abuse right but it didn't it didn't work so people would bully us so for me it was just saying yeah I feel like that's what was different too because I used to go to school and I used to like excel like when I used to leave home I used school as an escape go to like be better and always excelled in like extracurricular activities and my grades and you know I feel like that was another thing that messed up our relationship because I feel like she grew up jealous of me because this stuff that I did and decide to do with myself this stuff that I put my mind to it was like everything that I had and everything I ever had growing up I worked for nothing was ever handed to me I worked for it not just for like she was lazy she's just want everything handed to her and it when it wouldn't isn't it's like if someone else's fault like first of all I'm very proud of both of you for being in college [Applause] and this is not a personality disagreement this is a thousand percent about the circumstances the two of you survived and witnessed and faced when you were growing up circumstances trauma and abuse that no one should have to face and yet I want to highlight something you're here together nicely thank God I got a smile out of here I do want to have a relationship with her and I do want to be closer but I just feel like her if her opinions about me don't change we'll never be close it's because she views me a certain way based off how people viewed her what are the opinions that she has about you that have you closed off and build a wall between you and her yeah like when she caused me toxic like I'm a very given that bothers you yes what uh what else bothers you um how she just says that I mean and I'm not happy it's not about being happy like yeah I can't be like you I can't smell it like all the time and what does she do that has you go that's it I'm out it's just how she comes off like when she has her opinion which I get everybody has their own opinion but when she voices something she doesn't think about what other people might feel about what she's about to say you know I know it gets us knowing the truth I'll show you why would I care what other people have to say if you're making me feel sometimes I'm gonna speak up on it yeah and you're doing something I don't like I'm gonna speak up on it it's not how I'm coming across is just how you're taking it I want to come back to the quote sometimes two people have to fall apart in order to realize how much they need to fall back together I don't want the two of you to lose each other as sisters over something as silly as person is have somebody with the expertise explain how the way you two are criticizing each other and the way that you feel about how she speaks the truth or is quiet how this is about something deeper that you two could actually help each other in resolving we're going to do that when we come back [Music] welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and I'm here with sisters Robyn and Landrum who are making a last-ditch effort to save their relationship or sever ties as sisters now you two had a very traumatic childhood growing up you were in and out of foster care and Robyn you said that you faced abuse yes I was abused by multiple people and I was raped at 12 years old Wow and Landrum did you face abuse as well when you hang up yes physical abuse from not only my mom just the people on DD - okay I I brought in family therapist dr. RG for help and dr. RG you're the expert but I have a suspicion that we're dealing with a situation where their personalities continue to step on the trauma from the past without them realizing it yeah could this be something that's happening yeah you're spot on you know children need consistency predictability structure and they also need safety and security and when their safety and their security is ruptured that creates fractures or fragments that ultimately impact how they repair to each other they don't so two things can happen either they can be meshed meaning that they're so close that they don't let anybody else in because everyone has failed them especially the adults or they can be disconnected because one person feels like they had to thin for themselves or they didn't have their back and so as a result they create these cut-offs and it's all a defense mechanism to protect them from being harmed again the problem is that they're stronger together they don't realize that they hi and you know they don't have to just survive they can thrive they can figure out not only what they've been through but then harness that to turn their pain into power alright so let's talk about that how do we help these two sisters come together what's a step that they can take in order to start to create the connection instead of this constant conflict of sort of judging each other yeah well I heard Robin say that she was a runner right and sometimes what happens is it's like a shadow now sometimes we can run but we can't hide hmm okay and then what we tend to do is we tend to move away because the connection between the two is a reminder of the drama and the trauma in the past so what I say is you know don't run away stick and stay because if nothing changes nothing is going to change you've got to figure out where the trauma is and it's not between the two of you quite frankly you can turn inwards it's someone else and then begin to do your forgiveness work sometimes we've got to forgive ourselves for all the stuff that has been created out of the root of our injury and then we end up becoming our own perpetrators we end up hurting ourselves and people that were closest to more than anything else why don't we take her advice right now okay why you stand up it hold hands don't look at me like that yes [Applause] [Music] and why don't rub and you go first and what do you want to apologize for and what do you want to forgive okay I want to apologize for making you feel like you weren't a good person because deep down you are a good person like you've helped me with a lot of things it's just maybe you're right like how I took how other people treat me and what they say to me it's like when you say something I take it as okay now she she she's being mean to me or she's too aggressive or whatever it is and I tried I run that's what I do so yeah I probably dies for that and forgive me for not listening to you because I didn't hear like I didn't know you felt the way you felt today like I didn't you never said this stuff so and maybe for wanting her to be yeah I'm a buddy different throw anymore golly like me yeah I want you to forgive me for not wanting to like go out with you more to girly stuff go to the mall hang out I was honestly had nothing for Lee to do with you I just want you to stop making this thing like you have to compare yourself to me based off what other people told you I just feel like you can just do everything I do if you just try and just put yourself out there to do it I want to know what are you all willing to fight for sometimes we fight either for the relationship or we fight against it I'm willing to fight for a better bond not only for us before our kids too because I don't want them to grow up [Applause] I don't want them to grow up the same way we did I'm gonna have a bond even though they're not sisters but they are first cousins so I just feel like that's in a place I'm doing the same thing I want them I want us to get closer so they can be closer because if they see what we went through so they're basically like we're teaching them what we went through and that's not what I want I want awesome yeah I have an idea what if once a month let's just start easy I like easy steps you get together for dinner on Sundays you and your kids [Applause] okay terrific and dr. RJ do you have anything else cuz I am desperate to keep the connection between these two open what's one more thing they could do I think it's important for the two of you to do it just what Mel said share what you love about each other what you like about each other and refrain from the labels you all have been labeled enough right so don't take what the world has given you externally access what you have the love and light thank you you too for being here we'll be right back stay with us [Applause] [Music] welcome back it's the last segment of the show we call it the goodbyes and goodbyes are never easy but you can always find a little good in them now we get emails and messages from you all the time sharing your success stories and today I'm told there's someone special here in the audience that as inspiration they want to share where's Jim right here Jim's right here I'm from Muskegon Michigan you're from escape this is where I grew up what wait this is my high school principal [Applause] call you Jim when I was growing up right right right well Melanie I still call her Melanie malp artists but Melanie was in my high school I was principal of and it was a small school but I had them for six years sixth grade so I got to know the kids really well and the ones that I remember you know 35 years later are the really outstanding ones and then a few bad actors I was a bad actor no no no no no Melanie and and this is really why I wanted to be here today you as a teenager were very much like you are today articulate impressive I think the adults appreciated you more than from the students maybe but it's not surprising to see all this to see what your what you've done it's because I'm gonna do my send off with my former principal here and finally in case nobody has told you today let us be the two to tell you that we believe in you and your ability to change your life for the better and that's why I'm here cheering for you five days a week on the Mel Robbins you're reminding you that whatever you're facing you got this see next time [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Mel Robbins Show

Views: 16,579

Keywords: Mel Robbins 54321 Rule, Mel Robbins Show, Mel Robbins, Motivational Speaker, Self Help, Talk Show, Positivity, Positive Change, The Mel Robbins Show, Grandfamily, Parenting, Three generation home

Id: KAQW-05C5z4

Length: 42min 56sec (2576 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 24 2019