So this is a talk
on positive psychology, or the psychology of what it
means to be a little happier and experience one's life
in a more positive way. And it was very
interesting, because I have a PhD from Stanford here
and got the PhD in psychology. And I was struck
during the whole time there about how is all I learned
about was miserable people. Now, I mean that. And I thought to myself,
like what the heck am I learning this for? And the other thing
that was interesting is that the psychologists
weren't themselves necessarily any happier. And I used to think
to myself, well, if the stuff we're
studying and researching doesn't work for us,
then what are we doing? And what's interesting is there
were a whole slew of people having that same thought
maybe 20 years ago-- that positive psychology
was being ignored for our clinical model of
treating what was thought of as mental illness. And while that's a
wonderful use of psychology, it doesn't benefit most of us. It's reasonably useless. And what was intriguing to me,
and the questions that still are intriguing to
me is what have we learned that allow us to
be happier than we have been? And how do we deal
with real life in a way that allows
us to be OK in it? And that's very
different see-- it's very different than
studying like what is it that makes somebody depressed. What is it that makes
somebody anxious? How do we ameliorate depression? How do we help people
become less anxious? That's very different than
what are the qualities that we can do-- what are the
things we can do ourselves? Or how do we relate
to people in a way that the very practice
of it is a success? Is by its very practice,
what are we doing that is it good for us? Is it good for the
people around us? And in the last 20
years, a whole science has emerged around what
works and what doesn't work. Or what is it that allows
people to be happy? So the baseline finding is
that-- and this is so "duh" it's kind of funny,
which unfortunately, I believe that everything
I say will be duh. That if you think about
this, like "huh," of course, and probably some older
relative in your family already told you all these
things or some smart ass kid told you all these things. So the first basic
underlying tenant is happy people
want to be happy. Now, I don't mean that
just to trivialize it. It just happens to be true. Happy people wake up
in the morning and say, what do I do to be happy? Less happy people wake up
in the morning and say, what's on my list to do? Or less happy people
wake up in the morning and complain about what's
on their list to do. Or even less happy
people think, I don't have the
energy to make a list to tell me all the things
that I have to do today. And then other people say, huh? A list? But happier people,
they wake up or they go to bed with some thought
that they deserve to be happy. And that within that
deserving to be happy, they will make decisions
during their day that lead to happiness. So but it has to start with
some place inside that says, this is what I want. I want this. I want to be happier. I want to have a better life. If you don't want that,
then you make decisions that give you other end products. So most of us in a culture
of materialism, like we have, we make decisions to get
more money, more status, more achievement, more acclaim,
more cars, more boats, more transportation, more vacations. Those are the underlying
motivations of our culture. Happiness doesn't exist
in those motivations. So you look at many cultures
and their basic things are antithetical to the
people in their culture becoming happy. It doesn't mean that
there's not work to do to look for happiness. But happier people wake
up and say something along the lines of well, I don't
know how many days I'll have, but I want this one
to be a good one. I want this one to have meaning. I want this one to
have connection. I want this one to have purpose. I want to we enjoy it. So that person might wake up
and look at the refrigerator and say, wow, I have
a filled refrigerator, what an amazing bounty. This is good. An unhappy person might
wake up and say, oh, crap, I have to go to Whole
Foods this morning. So it's not that the
reality is different. It's that the motivation
within the reality is different in a happier
versus less happy people. Somebody could say when they
wake up in the morning, wow, I'm lucky. I have the resources
and the skill and the energy and the physical
capacity to go to Whole Foods and do nothing more than
that to get my food. A crankier person might
say, I have too much to do. A happy person might
look at that refrigerator and think, how do I
get this lucky to be among the tiny
percentage of people on this earth who have
no worries about food? How did I possibly
get that lucky? What did I ever do? A happier person will
look at that refrigerator and reflect about
all the labor that went into getting
that food there, like how many thousands
and thousands of people had to do their work
for that food to show up and for the rest of us to
look at it with absolutely no appreciation,
none for most of us. So it starts at the beginning
of the day with motivation, like what do you want? What kind of day do you want? If you listen just
to your culture, you'll have a day
that's very pedestrian. You will. You'll have a day that is
focused on simple things that people can do
to not rock the boat, to not cause questions, to
not examine assumptions, and to just do basically
what you've been programmed to do as a member of a culture. Happier people
take a little step away from the mainstream
of their culture, because they recognize
that they actually have to decide for themselves
a bit of what works, not just what the herd is doing, because
the herd is generally-- well, not bad, it's just
not thoughtful enough. So a happy person
looking at a refrigerator thinks, wow,
abundance, remarkable. A culturally
trapped person might think that I need a better
refrigerator, that I don't have the fanciest one. I don't have the ones that
you can look in and see. I don't have the ones with seven
different temperature zones. I don't have the one
that makes me Perrier coming out of the thing. I don't have the ones with
the 14 different kinds of ice cubes. All useless, all misery
making if you're not careful. Wanting, wanting, wanting,
wanting, wanting, wanting, wanting, wanting will
never make you happy. But looking at that
refrigerator and thinking, wow, this is awesome. This is really awesome. Now what else do I do
to have a decent day? This is what happens with
your basic motivation. Most people's basic motivation
is to fit in with their culture and to not strike
out in their own and not do the sacrifices
that are required to be independent of mind. And some of the things
about our culture that entertain
the heck out of me just in terms of what
basic processes are is trying to remember the
amount of cases of beer that are consumed by
the United States. It's like 70 million,
some 700 million, or some unbelievable
about, which leads out to like dozens of
cases per person per year. OK, that's not going to be
like that happier culture. And there's nothing
against beer. Our culture suggests that you
walk into a car dealership. And instead of thinking,
I am unbelievably blessed to have transportation. I am unbelievably blessed to
somehow be able to afford this. But we're told by
the culture that we need to have the
perfect transportation. Somehow it speak
something about us. So I need perfect
leather seats and a seat that goes forward and
backward, and that has climate control
14 different ways. And if I don't have that,
I'm missing something. And then we spend
our time thinking about how we're going
to get all these things, and how we're going
to get approval, and how we're going
to be powerful. All those are fine. They just don't
lead to happiness. So there's a very, very
fundamental question we all have to address,
which is what do we want? And are we willing to
do the kind of thinking and experimentation that
it takes to find out what makes us happy? Like if you wake up and you
think, it's beautiful outside. It's hard to do on the East
Coast right now, I would think. But certainly here
it's no challenge. It's beautiful outside. That's a really nice thought
to have in the morning. If you wake up next to somebody
that you actually like. That's another nice thought
to have in the morning. Thank you, this is wonderful. Those are the kinds of thoughts
that contribute to happiness. If you're at work, and one of
your coworkers is annoying-- and I'm not saying that
you ignore all issues. That's not my point at all--
but if one of your coworkers is slightly irritating
or is in a bad mood and happiness is
your goal, you'll let that go, because
you want to be happy. You don't need to be right. You don't need to
argue with them. You don't need to do anything. But this takes a self-awareness
and a certain responsibility for one owns day and
life that most of us are not prepared to take. And some of this data is
from all around the world. They would go to
different communities all around the
world-- researchers-- and they would ask in
the community, who's the happiest person
in the community? And they got data from
many, many different kinds of communities. And then they went
and interviewed these people who were happier. And it could be somebody who
lived a little hut somewhere. And it was somebody
else who did this. And somebody that did that. And they looked at what would
the qualities that these people had in common. And again, the most primary one
was that they made an intention to be happy. You don't realize the
power of your mind. And if you look at where you
put your attention all day, you'll learn what
your intention is. So if your attention is
all the time on how much you have to get done, or all
the things you worry about, or all the social trivia
that fills our world, then you'll recognize this
is what's important to me. You can unravel your
values by noticing what you pay attention to. But the first quality that
is critical for happiness is intention. The second is attention. So when you make an intention,
which is this is what I want, then it needs to manifest
about where you put your mind and what you do and what
you pay attention to. So one of the great
disconnects in our world now is we claim to give
priority to relationships and then spend very little
time with them or on them. So we don't actually
value relationship. You go to a hospital
that advertises patient-centered care and you
get one of those seven minute medical appointments, and
you recognize they do not value patient-centered care. They can give you
any slogan they want. But a seven minute appointment,
which is the average time that an American spends
with, I think, a primary care doctor a visit. That doesn't suggest
a truthfulness between intention and outcome. So one of the
things that requires some thinking for happiness
is like what do I want? And is that in alignment
with how I spend my day? What do I want? And am I doing my day
in a way that gives me a chance to get what I want? Now, if what you want,
if what people want, because if they want a big house
and a fancy car and a title, and that's what they're
spending their day doing, then they're in alignment. They may not necessarily
be happy because of it. But they're in alignment. They're not going to necessarily
be miserable because of it. It's just that those
attainments don't have that much to do with
happiness in either direction. They're kind as irrelevant as
like how many potted plants do you have in your house. They're just not of
critical importance. If you have no resources
or minimal resources, you're going to be less happy. Once you have some resources,
having a lot of resources adds very little to happiness. We all know that. You live here,
and you know that. You see the faces of the
people in Silicon Valley, and you recognize very
quickly that money doesn't equal happiness. We're not gracious. A happy people do not
drive the way we do. You can't. You can't have a gracious,
joyful experience and give somebody
the finger that are going five miles
below the speed limit. You just can't do that. It's impossible. You have to be flooded
with adrenaline to be that tense driving. You have to be in a hurry. And there's nothing wrong
with being in a hurry. It's just that that
doesn't make us happy. So this is one of those poster
childs for money and power don't necessarily equal the
open heartedness and goodwill and a kind of happy disposition. That in and of itself
doesn't make it wrong. But the research
is accumulating. One of the studies
that's really interesting is and some of the
nascent thinking is that money actually now--
the more money you have, the less empathy you have. And empathy is so
highly contributory to good relationships. That once people have a
certain amount of wealth, they forget that they
need other people. And then they start to
take everything for granted as if they accomplished it all. And so relationships
become less important, which is actually hugely
contributory to happiness. So some of the studies that
are really interesting, and I think these come
out of UC Berkeley, very simple studies
where they'll have people do research by watching cars
going past a crosswalk, where people are crossing. And they wanted to see who
stopped at the crosswalk to let people go by. And they saw a
direct relationship between the expense of the
car and the number of people who stopped at the crosswalk. And the more expensive the car,
the less times they stopped, which is fascinating. Think of this one. This is the other one. That's data. The other data that I
think they talked about was that it turns out
that people with means shoplift more than
people without means, which is some interesting data. Other data is wealthy
people-- and many of you have seen this-- contribute
less of their income than very poor people to charity,
which is fascinating. But here's one of the thoughts
that that got me thinking about wealth and happiness. Somebody shared this with me. And I thought it
was just really-- I mean-- brilliant because
it's so simple and so elegant. He said, Fred, you know, I
go in and talk to my lawyer, who's charging me $350 an hour. If I take 10 more minutes of
his time, I get a bill for $50. When I talk to people
making $15 an hour, they're not charging
me by the 10 minutes. What does that say about
the human experience that even with that much
money, they're not generous? There's actually something
shocking about that, that we all accept that and
take that is normal, again because greed is so central
to almost every culture's perception of success. But just think
that went through. You go see somebody
who's well paid. Their fine financially. It's very hard to get
them not to charge a very high amount for their
time even if you're in need. He was referring to somebody
who comes in and cleans their house, who is charging
maybe $20 an hour, $15 an hour. I don't know the amount. But he was saying,
I pay this person to come in-- I don't once
a week-- pay $150 a day. So less than somebody
else makes in an hour. If I ask that person to please
stay an extra 10 or 15 minutes or it takes them 10 or 15
minutes more to finish, I've never gotten a bill. It We never into their mind. Now, that also may have to
do with some self-perception of worth. So it's not so simple. But think about that. And just think about your
life in terms of like when do you have enough? And when can you be generous
because you have enough and then you're happy? The minute you recognize
that you have enough, you feel abundant. And so you could be generous. People earning $350 an
hour who can't be generous there's something
very sad about that. It's very sad because, again,
we get a modest amount of time here. And our happiness depends
in some large degree on whether we hold our self
as coming from scarcity or abundance, because if
you're coming from scarcity, you're fighting all the
time, always a fight. I don't have enough. I have to grab more. I need more love. I need more possessions. I need more this. I need more of that. I'm always like grabbing. Please give me more. Take. I need. Take. Abundance says, I have
enough, thank you. I can now give. Most of the people
I know are far into the abundance category. But they don't act like it. Most of the people that I know
are way into abundance, way into abundance. But that's not
their conversation. And that's not their behavior. However, when you feel
abundant, you're happy. It's like, wow, life is great. When you feel like you have
enough and you can share or you want to
help other people, what a powerful
statement that is. When you don't have enough,
it's always about you. It's always about
what can I get. And I don't have enough. And it's so hard. And life is such a struggle. So there's something
very simple in there. There is. There's something simple that
we have lost in our affluence and in our possessions and
in our need for so much. We've lost that simple capacity
to appreciate things, which is income beyond
a certain amount contributes very
little to happiness, because it's the appreciation
that makes you happy, not the income. It's an inner thing. It's like here. It's in here. It's not in the house. It's not in the fine
jewelry or the cutlery or the car or the movie
theater or the whatever it is. It's not in that. It's in the appreciation,
the thank you. And then even something
more than that, generous, like I have enough. So it's not a
struggle all the time. Thank you. Thank you's a big
start to happiness. Thank you. It's much of the way
there for being happy. But if you wake
up in the morning, you don't want to be happy,
the normal human tendency is not to say thank you. It's to be on guard all the
time for what can go wrong. That's the normal human
tendency is to be constantly on edge and worried
and anxious about not having enough, and looking
for things that can go wrong, and having very primitive
neurological programming, because our nervous
system's primary purpose is to keep us alive,
not to make us happy. And so to say I have enough
is a very difficult thing for a human being to do. Just like it's very
difficult for any animal. A lion very rarely
says, I have enough. Human beings can stick
money in the bank. You can even fill your whole
basement up with Cliff bars if you need to feel like
you're not going to starve. We can do that. But our programming
is as primitive as almost a slug's in
terms of what it is that we look at to have enough. The quality that when
we wake up and say, wow, I would like
this to be a good day. I'd like that. Well, then you want to
look for what you already have that's good, not
just what's undone, not just what isn't good, not
just what needs attention, but what's good, what's
beautiful, what's there. And one of the simplest
things you can do is think of someone
who's been kind to you. When you wake up
and your anxious, think of someone who's kind. So I'm going to do that
as just a practice with us for a moment. So I'd like you all to
just close your eyes. We're going to do a
very short visualization on simply saying thank you. So allow your eyes to close. And take a couple
of slow breaths into and out of your belly. Slow breaths. And allow your belly to
expand when you inhale. And allow it to contract
when you exhale. And then picture in
your mind someone who in the last 48 hours has
been generous or kind to you. And generosity and kindness
are easy to think about. Has anybody done your laundry? Or listened to you
when you needed an ear? Or helped you in
some way at work? or told you they cared for you? Or did something to be kind? And just picture that kindness. And feel it. Feel the goodness
of that kindness. Feel the goodness. And then say thank you from
inside of you, thank you. And then before
we're done, notice that your heart is beating. And that you're breathing. And that your legs work. And that you have a mind. And recognize at some level
the temporary nature of that. And see if you can be
thankful for that too, that right here and right now
you're relatively healthy. Your body works. What a blessing. What a good thing, thank you. Thank you. And then allow your eyes
to open in a moment. And just sit still. And just feel inside
of you what it feels like to slow down for a moment. And just see what's good. So this is a happiness practice. It takes a minute. It's done by people
who want it, who want the experience of feeling
that their life is good. Now, you can do this
whether your car is 10 years old or two years old. You can do this
whether you have eight rooms in your house or three. Size of the house has
no impact on whether you can be looking for abundance. Now, it's interesting, I had a
friend one time tell me this-- and then I thought, what a
poisoned culture we have. I remember I was on the phone
with him about 15 years ago. And he was telling me that
they were looking for a house to buy. And he was ambivalent
because he really didn't want to take care of a house. I don't to mow the law. And I don't want to fix things. But he felt pull to get a house. Well, my kids won't grow up
feeling happy in abundance. So I said to him,
you know, I would guess that there's not
one shred of evidence that your children
growing up in that house are any happier than children
growing up in Chicago or New York, or Philadelphia
or San Francisco where there are apartments. Just think about that. I tried just to use evidence. You know, there are like
millions of kids growing up in apartments. They're not less happy. It's not like you wander and go,
there's somebody from New York. I can tell, because
they're less happy. The absurdity of
this is profound. I mean, just think about that. The simplest examination
of that would show it's speciousness, just stupidity. But we've all been
brainwashed to think that we need so
much for our kids to feel like stable and secure. That's ridiculous. You need a home. But more than a big home,
kids need loving parents. Kids need stability. Kids need dependability. Kids need rules that
they understand. Kids need parents who
actually like each other. They don't need five extra rooms
or three extra rooms or land. Now, this is not
me being brilliant. This is just me asking
the most obvious question. Can I recognize somebody's
level of happiness by the size of the
home they grew up in? That's an absurd question. But we've all been
brainwashed to think that it makes some sense somehow. Or that somehow
like if we don't get to take a vacation
to a fancy spot, like somehow our
life isn't as rich. But that's also idiotic,
because there's no possibility that people who travel
100 miles from home are less happy than those
who fly all around the world. That would be absurd. So we have all these
fake needs that keep us from the true things
that we actually benefit from. You know, your nervous
system was hard wired to appreciate beauty. It doesn't have to be in France. I'm serious. It can be in Carmel. Or it can be in Burlingame. Or it can be anywhere. So you need beauty. You don't need a fancy
trip to get to the beauty. I hope you get that. That the beauty is hardwired
in as a good thing. The need to fly somewhere,
that's all made up. It's not bad. It just doesn't
contribute to happiness. It's wonderful. Fly anywhere you want. But if we're
looking to be happy, we'll look out the
window first for beauty. And we won't complain
about our lives because we can't take a trip
somewhere, because that's creating unhappiness. These are all moment
to moment decisions we make, depending
on what we want. They're moment to
moment decisions. They're not big deals. You don't have to be brilliant. You don't have to
do anything so deep. You just have to look out
the window and say, wow, it's very, very pretty. I'm very lucky to be
able to see it today. That's a happiness decision. But our brains need beauty. They prosper in it. Our brains need other people. In fact, most of
this, the front, is because it
takes so much brain to connect with
other human beings. That's the biggest
part of our processing. That's the biggest
part of our brain is people, because we need
them more than anything else. And so that's what
being a human-- that's the highest parts
of our development-- are to relate with
other human beings. So when they do
happiness research, yes, you have to
want to be happy. But the thing that
loads most unhappiness is relationships, people. Do you like people? Do you like yourself? It has absolutely
nothing to deal with your job status, or your
title, or the amount of money you have. Yes, you have to
have a modest amount. But above that, do you like
yourself is a much, much, much, much better question. And are you making yourself
more likable to others? There's a wonderful
question for your happiness. Are you making
yourself more likable? Are you working on yourself
so that it's easier for you to be in satisfying
relationship. That would be a wonderful
use of your time if you wanted to be
happier, much more than putting in extra shifts
to take another vacation or buy something better. They're not even in
the same universe. It would be as useful to like
fill up your bedroom with dust as it would be to take another
trip if you think that's going to make you happier. But people will
make you happier. Appreciating people
will make you happier, and particularly the
people close to you. And defining yourself
as responsible to be good to the
people close to you will give you
energy and guidance for happiness experiences. What can I do to help? What can I do to help? That's one of the best happiness
questions you can ask yourself, because that's abundance. You have enough. You're not grabbing every
moment for yourself. I have enough. What can I do to help? What does a friend need? Simpler stuff, do
they need dinner? Are they busy? Do they need some
help with anything? Do they want to talk
while they're driving? There's so many simple things. But when we think of
what could we do to help, our whole body gets
bathed in neurochemicals that we know as happiness,
because we're abundant. When we think of I
just don't have enough, and nobody loves me, and
nobody pays attention to me, and what can I do get more? You're not going to
create as much happiness as you would hope. Now, do you just to give? No. But you want to
create relationships that are sustaining. Some of the data on
mortality-- and many of you have heard of this--
is that loneliness and a lack of connection
is a significant predictor of mortality. The simple question of if
you need help at 4 o'clock in the morning, do you
have people you can call, is one of the great
predictors of who's going to live in the
next 10 or 20 years, much more than your
blood pressure. There is so much to people. When you look at like what
separates out the normal happy from the abundantly
happy, it's usually the people in relationships. And it doesn't mean that
you can't be an introvert. I mean, you don't have to
be somebody going and dances every night. That would kill me. Seriously, I don't know what
I'd rather not do, maybe pour cement or something. But I could not handle that. So if you're more
of an introvert, you meet one to one with people. You limit the time frame. I mean, you don't spend all day. You hang out for an hour. You make sure you keep
in touch your way. But people will do much more
for your happiness than any job title-- not any, but most
job titles, most achievement. I can tell you the hollowness
of awards and recognition. I mean, my work
has been featured. I've been featured in
The New York Times. And PBS did a pledge
drive video of my work. And I'm sure there's an obituary
for me in The New York Times. Like somewhat? God bless, but so what? And I got an award two years
ago-- wonderful-- a lifetime achievement award from the
California Psychological Association. All good, but very
little to happiness, very, very, very
little to happiness. Here's how you know
people are so important. When something good
happens, and you don't have anybody to share
it with, it's not so good. Well, everybody
else feels the same. So you want to be somebody
who makes other people feel that you appreciate
their well being and what good happens to them. That's a happiness practice. Like find out what good is going
on in other people's lives, and listen, and pay attention,
and give, again, abundance. These are such simple things. That will make you
happy, because you will feel the vibration of
another human being being heard. And they will feel good. OK, one more simple
practice on happiness. I'm going to ask you to think
of someone that you really like, some person that you
really like, one person. And I'm going to ask you
not to choose yourself. It's got to be one other person. And I want you to think of
someone you really like. And I want you to turn
to the person next to you and describe their good
qualities with no criticism at all for about two
minutes, which is almost impossible for most of us. Even the people we're married
to-- my husband's a good guy, but-- and then you get the list. He doesn't clean the bathroom. He doesn't do this. He stays out late. He works too much. He watches too much sports. When I talk to
him, he doses off. He's on this phone too much. But he's a nice guy. That's our normal brain. It's always critical. You want to be happy,
praise people-- not stupid made up stuff, real stuff. So I'd like you to
think of one person that you really
like and appreciate. And I'd like you
to turn to somebody and describe their good
qualities in detail. We very rarely use this
profound intelligence of the brain and mouth to
express goodness-- very rarely. If there's people
we don't like, we can talk about
them for six years. It's true. If there's somebody we like,
we just take it for granted. So what I'd like you to
do is describe somebody's good qualities, what you
appreciate about them, what you like about them,
what you've learned from them, how they've helped
you, what you admire, how you could pay them
back, how you could pay it forward-- a conversation around
goodness with no criticism at all. And I'll call you back. Just both people talk
like a minute or two each. And I'll start you again
in like three minutes. Thank you. You know there a
handful of things that contribute to happiness. And we can make this complex,
or we can make it simple. Both have value. The simplest piece
is some quality of appreciating what
you already have. Albert Schweitzer said that--
that happiness, I think, is wanting what you have. There's something very
powerful about that, because it goes against all
of our primitive, terrified conditioning of needing
more, and more, and more, and more because we're so
unstable and so afraid. And as human beings
we recognize-- like I wouldn't say just the
silliness but the pointlessness all of our attention on a
body that's going to die. No, I mean that, that it's
an unstable proposition, this constant attention to
something that's impermanent. And so we're always worried. We're always worried
that something's going to happen
to us or somebody we love because something will. That's the truth. So we deal with it by
trying to fortify ourselves. You know, if I get
a big enough house, and if I get enough possessions,
and I get enough money, and I get enough status,
then I'll be safe. But you're not safe. You're never going to be safe. It's just the truth. So there is this
basic terror built in to the instability of
focusing most of our attention on something that's
impermanent and will pass. And so some of the
things within that, if that's the truth,
that we can do are very simple appreciations
for the short-term things that nourish us, because
there's no long-term win. There is no long-term win. There's medium-term wins. There's short-term wins. But long term, we all lose. And so if you accept
that truth-- which you don't have to
accept it, it's just going to get you anyway. It doesn't matter
whether you accept it. But it's there-- then you look
for medium and short-term wins. You look for ways to be happier,
because you might as well spend your time with a little
more smile, because you're going to worry a lot anyway. You're going to end up dead. You might as well enjoy
a little more of it, because long term, we all
know where it's going. So the appreciate
is very powerful, like just a little thank
yous, and particularly for other people who
do kindnesses to you. Always say thank you. And look to be generous
where you can, always. It's so simple. The other piece,
again, is people. Make sure you some
time for them. I think there was a study
once-- this is hard for even me to believe, and I'm
pretty cynical having read lots of research-- but the
average couple, married couple with children,
there was one study that said that they spend an
average of 27 minutes a week talking directly face-to-face
to each other about things other than their children. That's a low number. I don't know what
to say of that. But that-- that's
not prioritizing. Now, human beings, again, with
data, human beings a weird. So I'm just going to
tell you one study just to remind everybody how
weird human beings are and how we do anything to
make ourselves look good. In 1972, Richard Nixon defeated
George McGovern in a landslide, I mean, just a landslide. And of course, that
was my first election. And I was so for
George McGovern. He was a liberal. Anyway, Nixon won with about
6!% or 62% of the vote. It was a big victory. I can't remember
the exact amount. But Gallup did a survey, maybe
if the election was a November, six months later
after the landslide, they just wanted to check
like how many people claimed to have voted for the winner. I think it was like 75%. Nixon got impeached and
had to resign in disgrace. So the same organization
went around and polled, so how many people voted
for-- I think it was like 40% admitted they voted for him. This is all US. We're strange things. So within that craziness,
which we all are, we have a capacity to
be nice when we can. So being appreciative
and being nice-- I mean, again, this is so simple. And the last piece that loads
heavily for happiness is we need to have some
purpose that's not just our self-gratification. That there's a huge difference
between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure doesn't contribute
that much to happiness. And people who aim for pleasure
turn out not to be that happy. Pleasure being short-term
sensory stimulation, people who are deeply into the
senses or all this stuff. If that's the primary measure
of happiness, it doesn't work. There has to be
other gratifications. So we need a purpose, which is
sometimes nothing more than, look, I go to work, I
sacrifice for my wife and kids. That's a purpose. Or when I'm at
work I try of help, because I'm stuck here anyway. You know what I mean? They could let me go
home, that would be great. And I'd be happy not to
help another damn soul. But I'm stuck here, so
I might as well help. But people who don't think that
are much less happy at work. Again abundance--
I'm here anyway. I might as well help. So purpose, like what the heck
are you doing and for whom, is a key piece of happiness. And again, Viktor Frankl
talked about those people who strive too hard
just for happiness for themselves don't
seem to reach it. That was his search for meaning. You need a deeper meaning,
something generative, something for the community,
something for somebody. And that makes all
the difference. You know the old statement,
if you give somebody a why, they'll figure out a how. And that's true. But in our culture we've
lost so much of the why. It's just personal gratification
and accumulation of wealth and resources and fancy
dinners and travel-- meaningless in terms
of deeper purpose. And so those are the things
that contribute to happiness. And those are the
things that research has shown contribute
to happiness, even though they're
all, at some level, in every one of the
world's religions. But this is now because of the
21st century, there's data. So if you're going to take
anything from this talk that I'm giving you, it's like
look for the little things that you can cruciate,
like the people in your life be pleasant to. And find some reasons
to do something. I mean, I told you this
is going to be duh. And I'm going to
finish with there have been so many
times I've taught like in the fanciest of places
and with the biggest of titles and Fred Luskin from
Stanford University. And I thought, a reasonable
kindergarten teacher could have given the same talk
to like little six-year-old sitting on a mat somewhere. All right, now that's it. Be nice to each other. And appreciate the food. And let's say thank you. And clean up after yourself. And we're here to learn. And treat each other well. They've got it. I'm serious. I'm trying to end
with that simplicity. That it is a lot
everything you needed to know you learned
in kindergarten. And that to me is the
really good news of this. You don't need a Stanford PhD. You don't need anybody
with any brilliance. What we all need to do is
slow down a little bit. Anyway, thank you very much.
