Forgotten Model-Nicole

[Music] oh [Music] i'm sorry it's easy to set a young heart on the run to see you crashing up the sky falling one by one walking alone on the coldest night there's nothing i can ever say to [Music] change [Music] hi i'm nicole crawford nice to meet you nicole how you doing this morning i'm good that's good to hear how old are you nicole i'm 27 years old wow 27 years very young nicole where are you originally from i grew up in a little town called new bethlehem okay shout out new bethlehem we out there that's what's up okay nicole can you please tell us a little bit about your childhood growing up growing up i grew up in a split family my parents got divorced when i was just three years old but i grew up in a loving caring awesome family christian base i have two older brothers two younger sisters a different dad with my brothers different mom with my sisters just an awesome supportive family i couldn't ask for a better support system that's awesome what are some of your favorite childhood memories i'd have to say go into disney world first when i was very young about seven years old with my brothers and then when i was 16 with my little sisters uh we went for two weeks and that was that was probably one of my best memories cool you know disney world is like child dream place to go at that's what's up all right now when you're pairing into any type of drugs or anything no both of my parents neither one of them had ever drank or or smoked anything or did any drugs my brother was an alcoholic but other than that it was just me so how was your teenage years like growing up i was um early teenage years was okay and i think i just started to rebel that's just something that kids do and then early on i started using about 15 years old 15 years old you started using yeah what was the first drug you tried the first drug i ever tried was marijuana if you consider that a drug but at 15 i was shot up with dope for the first time and how were you introduced to those drugs um i was in the hospital i was in an accident i was 15. go down 16 is the day before my 16th birthday i wrecked my dirt bike i was a rider and broke both my arms was life-flighted and was in the hospital for about two weeks they put me on way too much medication for my height weight and age and i ended up coming home dope sick and went to see my weed guy and he said he could fix it and i let him fix it he shot me i would do it for the first time um well first of all it took away that that's that feeling of being ill and uncomfortable um and it just kind of put you on that you know cloud nine and it was a wrap at that point and there was there wasn't any turning back for me at that point that's when i realized that i was an addict damn so currently fast forward right now how many bags of because i know it's fat no it's not heroin no more right can you tell us the difference between the two back in the day like i i remember using brown dope i remember in pittsburgh it's a lot of brown dope still even um so big difference on heroin's completely different feeling it's a completely different drug it is longer lasting feeling and it's more warm than cold that's how i compare it fentanyl is a cold evil thing and heroin was more comforting more warm more um euphoric i understand yeah do you know what they are putting in the fat and all um i believe they're putting a lot of things in there and a lot of times they don't even know what they're putting in there um there's a lot of research chemicals going in um you'll see lots of different colors like pink and purple and blue and that's a lot of car fentanyl there's fentanyl there's tranq there's all kinds of stuff there's something called uv 25 something like that and it's the pink it's just a research chemical that they came up with it's not illegal to send over here it's something you know and they're just they're coming up with all these new drugs and then they're not illegal yet and then they come over here they kill people and then they're illegal so they have to come up with something different um so i don't think anybody really knows exactly what's going in but i also know that they're using uh pharmaceuticals and just crashing them up throwing them in there anything anything that's white jesus yeah the girl yesterday told me it was meat tenderizer yeah she got test positive from meat tenderizer so now due to the fact you shoot fentanyl do you have you experienced any abscesses or anything um i'm actually pretty lucky i i don't i don't experience abscesses very much i'm pretty good shot for myself not to be proud of it but i i am um i i have a lot of um healthcare background too so oh awesome it's gonna take care of myself pretty well so on that i mean i still look a little beat up but at the end of the day i'm i take pretty good care of myself on that screen on that end of it right but as far as um abscesses i had had a bad one on the back of my arm and i've had needles break off in my arms and stuff like that but yeah it's something that people need to actively take care of themselves because it does kill people i have friends that are dead from just the abscess so that alone is is a killer so with fentanyl how many bags would you say you use in the daytime um in the deep depths of my addiction i was using at one time four to six bags of fentanyl um currently i'm using a quarter of a bag at a time um i did a quarter of a bag yesterday and i died from it got you how do you go about supporting your habit um it depends uh you know at first it started out you know being you know doing the prostitution thing um which is something that us women struggle with and um then you know life goes on you want to do something different then you start breaking a lot and and doing things that you're not normally used to doing um so like let's just say i just got out of jail for the very first time in my entire life i've never i've never been arrested i've never gone to jail and i just did my first my first uh do what was you in jail for um i was actually it's okay to be honest we're not here to judge you you know nobody's here to judge you um well this will be good um i was booked for weapons of mass destruction um which is a life sentence um i'm not um found guilty of uh it was firecrackers it was new year's eve yeah um but they had found it in my purse during a robbery um and i didn't even know it was in there because i was high and um i opened my purse and there's a that looks like a stick of dynamite in my purse um well as they were booking me they were charging me with weapons of mass destruction which is a life sentence so it was taken very seriously it wasn't like going to the district and being charged with possession it was a lot more serious than that people from washington dc wanted to speak to me because they don't have anybody booked for all the explosions that happened over the summer so the first quest the first thing that i got was if you don't talk then you're going to be booked for the entire explosion mayhem of the summer time um i mean i i stood tall i don't know anybody anyway but um at the end of the day uh i got booked for doing wrong for robbery and you know i did my two weeks and that early review and we're gonna go to court and see what happens what's the longest you can go without using fentanyl um like i said i i just came out of jail and i actually had gotten clean for christmas time but in the depths of my addiction i um i would have to say that after a half an hour i was looking for the next one it doesn't take very long now that this fentanyl is here um it's not long-lasting like i said earlier the heroin lasts longer it was you know four or five you could almost go all day without doing it and now it's a lot different now um if i do have a job a real job then i'm in the bathroom every hour trying to do dope and work at the same time and it just doesn't work it definitely doesn't no wow so when you was in jail did they give you anything for your craving um when i got there i was feeling okay um and then later on they ended up they did um if you come in on suboxone then they give you suboxone um other than that they give you comfort meds which for like four days you get valium um and a bunch of other things they don't really tell you what they are but a lot of medication and it does help but um for the most part i was pretty okay they did take care of that they were pretty vigilant about making sure that you weren't ill what's the longest clean time you had um i since i was 15 have gotten clean three times um the longest time was when i was in an inpatient i was there for 11 months and it was intensive inpatient to inpatient outpatient so i was living in a facility full of people who are going through the same rehabilitation obviously 11 months is a long time um that was an insurance thing i think they were just kind of charging my insurance but i was there for 11 months that's the longest that i had so what medication have you been on to help with your cravings with the cravings um i have some dull diagnostics going on so what i have taken is the boxing and it does work if you follow the program and you do what you're supposed to do and you show up and you do therapy with it which is a big thing people don't know that you can't just go to this boxing clinic and takes a box and you have to do therapy it's a dual thing and if you do those things then it does work as far as like the the shot that that there are i've never done any of them um i know a lot of people who have and they say that it does work um this is not something that i'm interested in but whatever works works but the suboxone the suboxone program i i have a lot of faith and i do i believe in that a lot what's the worst thing you have done to support your drug habit um sorry okay take your time all right it's very tough i've never seen one from my family i've never taken from my friends but my mom passed away last year in april and i came out here and i sold her wedding ring that's the worst i'm so sorry or just know that it's not your fault it's the disease it makes you do things like you said yeah you thought you would never do don't be too hard on yourself i'm sure your mom forgives you yeah she i mean when she handed it to me i'd i could see it around you know she already knew what was gonna happen but it's sad to say but that's what it is it's not my mom she's you know she's still here but what have you lost to addiction um i've lost a lot of time with my family i've lost relationships and i've lost homes and cars i just lost my car actually as it got torched i've lost plenty of money and just time to build myself to both life has taken a lot of energy and um spirit away from me what was the last job you had before your addiction the last job i had was i was a pca a personal care attendant in clarion pennsylvania which is where i grew up last year before my mother died we worked there together anyway so march from last year april what april because that's why got you tell us what have you learned from your addiction i've learned so much starting from such a young age getting clean when i get clean i'm a 13 year old again but it has taught me so much it's taught me to be patient it's taught me to be kind even when kindness isn't there um to be um vigilant and you know powerful and strong for myself to look out for me and and not for everyone else all the time because at the end of the day it's you standing in front of the mirror and you have to locate yourself understand what's the day in your life is like a day in my life i i mean every day is a learning experience every day is an adventure i never know what i'm gonna do i never know how i'm gonna make my money i never know what's gonna happen i don't know if i'm gonna end up in jail again i don't know if you know that that this one's gonna be my last one and learned that yesterday i would just have to say that every day is definitely an adventure in nicole's life there's something new there's something different every day got you what's the worst thing that has happened to you since you've been out here um since i've been out here the worst thing i would have to say is when i first got here this was all the way back about four years ago i had just gotten out of rehab i came down here for my first it was my first train ride it was my first time coming to kensington um it was my first time copying this way it was different than anywhere else in the entire world [Music] and i i got off the train in north philly and walked all the way down to um water street and did what i had to do walked back to the train station i was waiting for the train and um two men had come up to the train tracks and um they had raped me and then the train had pulled up during it and um know i ran over the train or whatever went to special victims unit that night so i'd have to say that was my introduction and that didn't scare me away um so that's what drugs they're powerful you know i'm so sorry as a normal human being not normal but as a person who wouldn't be using someone would experience that and it wouldn't just be nonchalant it would be something that would would change their life maybe and um not that it didn't change my life but it changed my life but in a different way it sped my addiction up it made me come here more and you know um so yeah it just kind of it opened my eyes but opened my eyes in the wrong way um you know it made me feel defeated and they took my dignity but they didn't um now longer the longer that it goes the more that i learn that you know they didn't take my dignity they didn't take my heart they didn't take my spirit they didn't take anything from me um which is all something you know i want to work with women and you know people who don't have a voice they don't think they have a voice and they do so how do you stay safe out here um i try to stick with you know find a friend you know try not to be alone um but we like to be alone so um i kind of i don't regulate anywhere a lot of people regulate in certain areas i don't regulate anywhere i don't um stay anywhere for too long i don't um i don't talk to people who who looks like like they're not my kind of people um you just have to be smart you have to think about further than the next minute um that's the only way to stay safe here okay do you think you can trust anybody out here in kensington i think that you could i think that everybody deserves a chance to be trusted but in the state of addiction we are not ourselves so none of us are quite trustworthy um because we don't really know what we're doing you know um i would never like i said i didn't i've never stolen from my family or my friends but in some people's state of addiction they that's just what happens and it's not them it's just it's the addiction itself um so i still believe that everyone deserves a chance you know run and get me this if they don't come back they don't come back but you know that's how i don't know i just i firmly believe that everyone still deserves that chance are you currently homeless greatly i am homeless yes it's wintertime how you deal with it um well up until a short while ago i had a vehicle i was living in my car um now it's just about keeping blankets and finding somewhere dry to be um or you know making friends and staying at somebody's house and there's a bandos and what have you i've only ever stayed in a band at one time um i don't like rats and i don't like bugs so it's hard for me to do that but there are ways i'm so sorry to hear that how do you go about finding food to eat as time has gone on i mean i've learned that the drugs are in everything and i need to feed myself and nurture myself um so i still i break off money to make sure that i'm eating um there was a point in my addiction the last four years that i was 98 pounds just ill-looking sick um last year in january i got really really really sick from not eating and not taking care of myself and it almost took my life again i was an alcoholic prior to that so i the nurturing myself i should have learned a long time ago but a couple weeks ago it was five years in no drink so yeah wow food is is comfort to me so i make sure that i eat so what is one thing that you do every day to make sure you take care of yourself um food is a big thing for me um and every day i do one thing for myself whether that be go to the store and buy myself a pair of shoes or go and you know get your feet done or you know just one thing to do self-care you know get a shower you know go to the store and even buy toothpaste brush your teeth you know one thing a day um is not hard to conquer i mean i i tend to do a lot more than just one thing for myself a day now but one thing every day is is is a way that you can take care of yourself in kensington that's good do you feel any shame a guilt due to your drug addiction i do um like i said before uh so my mom's right angry it tears me up and losing so much time with her because she did pass away at an early age and suddenly last year so i have a lot of guilt that is just kind of stuck there because i can't just talk to her and and say you know i'm feeling goaty because i i haven't been there i wasn't there we haven't we didn't get this time together my little sisters i miss them so much but one of the biggest things growing up when i found out that my stepmom was pregnant was you know i want to be a big sister i want to be the big sister that he can look at and want to be like me or one that they can look up to me and you know i can be an idol a role model right a role model definitely i'll show them how to be a woman how to be a lady that's true and i have not done that um my little sisters do not need help becoming women and ladies um the oldest is 16 and the youngest is 12. no she's 13 now and the oldest is already in college classes and she's dramatic and bubbly and awesome but the youngest makes me nervous because she that she wants to be just like [ __ ] oh and um obviously if [ __ ] is right right kind of self-destruction um i think it has a lot to do with boys you know like boys were a big thing for me um being pretty uh getting your hair done getting your nails done things that materialistic things and peer pressure too peer pressure you know um do you want to wear these sweatpants or you want to wear this skirt you want to wear the skirt you know what i mean which is normal for a girl but she just makes me nervous because she's a gorgeous little girl but that's nice well at least you're thinking about her and know exactly what it could lead to because you're down this path for yourself so now tell me um how long do you plan on doing this for um i'm actively every day trying to do better for myself um i when i got out of jail i went to a recovery house and it just wasn't for me um but i'm actively looking for a real job i'm actively looking for housing i'm actively trying to do better um it's one step at a time i like i said every day is a learning lesson for me and i need to learn that men aren't going to take care of me i'm going to take care of me and at the end of the day i need to make sure that i have something over my head that i have something in my stomach that i i have what i need and that the drugs aren't it it's temporary it's temporary this is so temporary um i've only had these three or four times since i've been using it since i was 15. um and yesterday was one of those times and you said you was dead and they i was dead um they narcan me twice i started to walk away and said that she you know she's dead um and then i i took the breath away and woke up so yeah now hearing that when you woke up don't that scared the crap out of you that it scared the crap out of me before i went out because i looked at my friend and i said you know that feeling right before you're gonna die i got that feeling and that was the last thing that i remember and i i guess i had fallen over i hit my head and ended up dying and when i woke up i had i knew sometimes you don't know what happens but when i woke up i knew what had just happened i could feel it my chest still hurts from i'm rubbing on it so it was a big wake-up call for me uh i haven't done a bag since um so who knows maybe that was my last one so let's switch up the topic just to get to know you a little bit better what's your favorite color my favorite color is yellow what are some of your favorite foods um i love pizza but i love fruits and vegetables favorite bananas apples do you have a favorite restaurant um i never knew what to say when somebody asked me what your restaurant is other than mcdonald's hey that's what it is right mcdonald's got some i like their fries i know that was my first food ever right that was okay do you have a favorite band or artist i do um grateful dad is my favorite that's great cool do you have a favorite movie i do the titanic it's so classic nice all right do you have a favorite candy uh yes reese's the big cup with the pretzels now oh it's good they got so many different snacks coming out they're great do you have a favorite ice cream flavor um yes i like um what's it called [Music] rocky road no moose tracks do you have a favorite disney movie yes i do cinderella oh cinderella i tell you guys my mom's had cinderella likes to wash her collection okay i'm not you know proud to say a shamer admit i used to watch disney movies my mom's had them um we would like to know what is your zodiac sign cancer cancer yo shout out to all the cancers say what's something to call she's out there you know i mean show us some love all right do you have a religious or spiritual belief um i'm spiritual but like i said i grew up christian based okay um but i'm more spiritual where do you believe you'll go when you die um i believe that in something like heaven when you was a little girl what do you want to become when you grow up a nurse oh that's nice like taking care of people yep like i did okay are you a high school college graduate um i'm a vocational school graduate of two two different um i have health care and i also um licensed in pennsylvania to do hair so what was your favorite subject in school my favorite subject i was not the best student but my favorite subject was math oh math awesome when you look at yourself in the mirror what do you see today i see a woman who's trying to get her life together yesterday i saw a woman who was scared okay when was the last time somebody told you that they love you um yesterday that's good what's your favorite season of the year summer why well my birthday's in summer um and i hate the cold weather i love just being warm and i love the sunshine sunrise a sunset which one are you uh sunset why um well my middle name is west and um uh i don't know i'm drawing then anytime i'm drawn to um what comes next your night out night out all right okay my elements the moon right okay got you if you can travel to any country or place in the world where would you go i would go to france why um my ancestry as a big europe on the european french okay that's nice what are some of your favorite pastime hobbies um i'd have to say i played soccer in high school i loved it saku awesome yeah and they have pickups here i would love to to start doing that um uh riding dirt bike that was a huge thing for me i loved i loved it um also uh dirt track racing like um erased it's they're like cars that are like nascars and they're different shapes and sizes there's sprint cars there's 358 modifieds i mean i sponsored and built a motor for um a race team impressive yeah it's fun it's definitely a hobby it's definitely an expensive hobby but any other hobbies you have um i sewed with my grandma um that was that's awesome um and my dog i my dog for 15 years he just died um before christmas but rest in peace doggy yeah bruiser james was his name he was out here with me oh yeah trooper he's a trooper yeah he he was a soldier and he was a traveling dog he went everywhere with me last 15 years so now currently are you interested in a relationship um i just got out of a relationship um that's one of my things i'm always interested in a relationship but working on yourself and loving yourself is most important so i'm interested in a relationship with myself more than i am in the end right now but i do have a date on sunday absolutely so what do you look for in a relationship um love kindness uh respect and loyalty gotcha have men use you in a relationship to make money for drugs yes was it like a pimp um i've been in that situation um but my last relationship um the reason i ended up in jail the you know all of that was all over a man so yeah okay you know out here being used for money is easy and it happens a lot okay what's your favorite clothing store um i like gas is a big thing for me um h m and of course uh like ross and burlington um they have awesome stuff and it's just fun to go there and look all day long nothing to do okay so at the end of the night when you go to sleep what are some things that you dream about i dream about um my future uh you know having a family and you know i see myself having a family i see that a lot in my dreams i also see um memories you know i i dream about my mom a lot lately and um i dream a lot about not using so that gives me hope in the morning and at night before i go to sleep i think it has a lot to do with you know decompressing and you know thinking about everybody i've lost a lot of friends and they end up in my dreams too so do you have kids no kids no no kids i've never been married if your family and friends were supposed to see this video what message would you like to send to them that i love them and i miss them very much and that there's still hope not to give up yes never give up what does happiness mean to you happiness happiness and joy are like two of the most important things to me laughter and smiling is what gets you through the day awesome if you have three wishes in this world what will your three wishes be um that i could have my mom back and to find home and um keep happiness all day every day amazing out of this craziness there's a lot of sadness here definitely is now if you had a message to send to the world what would your message be don't give up don't give up that's amazing okay nicole so we about to wrap up the interview to the audience member that's watching this video what are some things that you're in need of that they can help you with um to support your stories um we could always use clothes because it's cold out here and blankets what size you wearing the cold cause you know somebody going just for you particularly since stuff and they like to know massage sneakers pants and jackets sneakers i'm seven and a half eight um i'm a small all over size one two jeans yeah smalls okay great okay guys we wrapping up the interview with the lovely nicole we want to tell her thank you for opening up and sharing her vulnerable secrets with the world she's very brave and we hope her interview resonates with some people it's very cold out here so we gotta go guys for ml films and we out there peace thank you cool [Music] can you can't breathe [Music] behind it's moving closer every time [Music] i can't pretend

Channel: AML FILMS

Views: 118,002

Rating: 4.9089909 out of 5

Keywords: interview, culture, wild, lifestyle, world, exclusive, independent, underground, videos, funny, funny videos, KENSINGTON, PHILLY, PHILA, TRUMP, WALL, OBAMA, HOMELESS, SERIES, soft white underbelly, sk, canon 80d, canon 50mm 1.8 footage, canon 80d documentary, canon 80d video test, canon 80d cinematic video

Id: jHSStgMtybE

Length: 40min 22sec (2422 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 27 2021