- I'm in a good mood today. How many of y'all got jobs? (cheering)
Oh that's good right there. I'm gonna tell you something. You know how people say
honesty is the best policy? (silence) (laughter) Wait a minute. You
ain't never heard of it? Or, you just ain't doing it? (laughter) You've heard "honesty is the best policy"? (audience agrees in unison) You do know that that's
not always the case. Especially, if you're gonna
show up late for work. You just can't, honestly,
say what happened. You know, "I overslept"
is not a good excuse. And the thing about when
you come in to work, I don't care what you do, what you say, don't they automatically think you lying? (audience agrees in unison) - So here's what I came up with-- (laughter) Don't call in with your lie. Tell your lie walking into your office. Don't call in. Wait 'till you walking in. Now, this how I want you to do it: Have your phone up to your ear-- now ain't nobody on it, but you gonna act like you in the middle of some serious drama. That way, people go "Oh Lord, what?" 'Cause you know, people nosey. "What's wrong?" "Oh, my god!" I have some things that you can set up and say over your phone to make everybody just feel a little bit better about you being late. Just walk in the door and everybody be sitting 'round their cubicle. Just go: "Oh my g-- wait, "Oh! My brother got the kidney?
Thank you so much!" (applause) "Oh! Oh, my god! Thank you so much." "Yeah? What!? Well look, I'm gonna
get Grandma out of jail soon as I get out this meeting." (applause) These are all lies that I used
when I used to have a job. So I'm giving you stuff that you can do. Except, it wasn't no cell phones back then so I couldn't lie in front of nobody. You could tell all these
lies. I've used all these. This a good one, right here. "Okay, here's what I want you to do: Do the Heimlich, and see if you can get the potato out of her throat." (laughter) (applause) That's a good one there. "Is the fire department there yet!? (laughter) Why was the baby cooking,
in the first place!?" (laughter and applause) Those are from Uncle Steve, to you. To use on your job this year. (applause and cheering)
