Finding "The One" - Esther Perel

[Music] hello I'm Esther Perel and today we are talking about online dating and here's a question from Austin how do I know when I find the one the idea of finding the one is problematic for relationships you have choice like you've never had you know we know that if you have one or two people to choose from it's really fantastic to not feel like you are confined and limited but we also know that when we have a hundred people to choose from it actually creates a real sense of anxiety that paradox of choice isn't doing well by us because we don't know how do I know when we have to trust ourselves and we have to feel so certain about something that we can't be certain about and then when we think we have found the one now becomes the question about what does that mean you know it means that you are the one that is so fantastic that you have made me stop swiping you are the person who has captivated my imagination to such an extent that I no longer want to look left or right that's the beginning it's that you have captured me you've captivated my attention you you that's it and now I start to think if you are making me no longer look for another then you must be phenomenal and phenomenal means that you have stopped my inner rumblings I no longer think I feel certain I think that you're going to be able to meet all my needs and all my needs these days is a phenomenal list never before have people invested so much in love and never before will they be so disillusioned by it because I want with you basically what I normally would get from an entire community I want with you that you will be my best friend that you will be my passionate lover that you will be my intellectual equal that hopefully maybe one day for some of us you also will be my co-parent that you will be the person with whom I will never feel alone again that you are the person in whose presence I always feel wonderful and cared for and be and smart and I can go on and on and on you are the person who is giving me the sense of security and my sense of stability and the person with whom I want to build something but you are also the person with whom I'm going to feel a sense of adventure and the awesomeness and the mystery and the transcendence and the excitement and the unknown and can you understand what is going on these days I mean it is really a phenomenal thing you know that this person who is the one is going to be everything for me and the only thing I can tell you and I will repeat it again and again there is not one person who can give us everything nobody nobody no matter how phenomenal they are will be able to satisfy all you need it's a setup for frustration for disappointment and for disillusionment so what you have when you think about the one is the person with whom you can imagine yourself building a life with writing a story with and that story will have a lot of hiccups but something about the shared values the shared interest the attraction the animation that you feel in their presence the the eagerness that you have together is going to begin to to the one way I say it is to make a life together but making a life together is also writing a story together basically and when you write a story you edit you change your see things that don't fit it's never a perfect story never every couple has issues the only question is which are the issues you want to deal with you pick this person you'll deal with those issues you pick that person you'll deal with other issues [Music] you [Music]

Channel: undefined

Views: 854,880

Rating: 4.9606428 out of 5

Keywords: relationships, marriage, infidelity, mating, love, desire, cheating, culture, communication, paradox of choice, the one

Id: ejTBjX4Cu6Y

Length: 4min 15sec (255 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 14 2017