Finding Joy Through Heartache | Adrian Wood | TEDxCaryWomen

[Applause] when I was 12 years old I began to map out my life tucked in bed at night I would write in my journal the number of children I would have five the name of my first son Atreyu I think that came from a popular 80's movie and my job pediatrician it was an idyllic existence I belong to an all-american family the daughter to a stay-at-home mom and a physician dad the younger sister to a handsome brother living in Eastern North Carolina when I was 14 my big brother Adam was diagnosed with cancer though we were nearly 5 years apart and squabbled like most siblings I had always considered him my best friend he was the one who taught me to apologize even when it wasn't my fault he was the one who offered the better bedroom when he headed off to college he was the one who asked me about boys and told me never to settle a year after his diagnosis I marched up the hollow stairwell of our small town hospital and I said goodbye to the person I love most on this earth Adam my only sibling strong and mighty to me couldn't outsmart cancer it was the first time I faced the unexpected I was just a child and to make sense of life's betrayal I decided life must dole out one terrible thing per person thank goodness mine was out of the way for the next 25 years I buried grief for my brother and carried on with those plans I've begun making it 12 I met the boy I was gonna marry in college like my brother had instructed I didn't settle when I said yes to Thomas wood when he finished law school we moved to Edenton North Carolina I finished my PhD we had four children no actually we had three children in four years two sons Thomas and Russell and a daughter Blair they look nice when my oldest son Thomas started kindergarten I became PTA president dammit I was already a Sunday school teacher how's that for a perfect life as a side note and I'm perfectly aware Sunday school teachers are not supposed to curse in the midst of round two of my perfect life our fourth child was born Amos whose arrival was a surprise came via c-section my first in a cold unexpected November snow within minutes of his birth our doctors was using big words to describe our new son a sacral dimple hypospadias exotropia all fixable issues it wasn't until he was two weeks old that I began to worry unlike his brothers and sister at that age he hadn't smiled I watched waited hold my breath finally when he was 10 weeks old he smiled I was flooded with relief he would be just fine after all but he wasn't we spent his first summer at the beach and though our neighbours daughter not on peaches and splashed in tidal pools Amos lay contentedly in his bouncy seat interested only in his bottle and our dog clerk though several surgeries had fixed parts of him our questions grew why isn't he sitting up why doesn't he wave bye-bye why can't he babble when he was 10 months old I asked our pediatrician to make a referral for early intervention on the day of the visit our living room was nice and tidy Amos was lying on a blanket on the floor the early intervention coordinator asked innocently what can he do is that all he can do I had been alone in my fear told that he would catch up here was a professional whose words mirrored my own thoughts my perfect life had ended again I began to swallow the fear and pain associated with the unexpected it had worked at least I thought when my brother had died I shoved those hard feelings aside and carried on it wasn't until Amos was three years old that I heard the word autism autism terribly real and unexpected reintroduced me to my old friend grief my old enemy grief I thought grief only traveled with things that were fatal terrible car accidents deadly fires cancer I had no idea it was possible to grieve a diagnosis that didn't end in a funeral I knew nothing about autism or special needs parenting Hill parenting on its own is nothing short of heroic before Amos I only rated myself a c-plus okay maybe a D this week my children told me my favorite activity is to drink slushies and watch Dateline now I had to figure out how to parent autism I was drowning in the what-ifs what if Amos is always disabled what if Amos can never live alone what if I can't handle all that comes with raising a child whose needs are extraordinary rather than be silenced by the what-ifs I decided to share the what is the decision came late one night I was awake worrying about the son of mine men I couldn't sleep as I pondered what I would do this voice whispered you used to write I did I had always been a writer when my brother was sick he kept a journal when he could no longer write or speak I kept it for him on the day he died I shut that yellow notebook for the next 25 years it gathered dust but that night I found it on the shelf in my closet I wrote about the grief for my brother wrote about the fear regarding my fourth child I wrote about a life that looks more like a rummage sale than a photo shoot I've been writing and sharing the ins and outs of my life for three years before Amos if you had told me that being a special needs parent was the most magical thing on earth I would have politely smiled and called you a liar not allowed of course my parents had raised me as a proper southerner but I would have been thinking it before Amos I saw families like my own and felt a mixture of all and pity before Amos I thought special was just a nice way to say something awful instead I've learned that our greatest gifts actually come from the unexpected parts of life sharing the what is has taught me about real love Amos is six years old now I wish I could tell you that this journey has been easy it hasn't I wish I could tell you that I wouldn't change a thing I would I wish I could tell you that autism and special needs are only given to the most special of families it ain't true what I can tell you is that before him I didn't know a love like this existed motherhood is even more amazing when you have a baby bird that plummets rather than flies sharing the what is has taught my children the perfection doesn't mean you have to be like everyone else they love and adore their younger brother they have known nothing but a life of embracing the unexpected they're wired with an amazing level of compassion and empathy because they love someone who's different I remember a conversation I had with my daughter a few years ago when are you gonna potty-trained Amos I don't think he's ready he's only three maybe when he's four I don't know what if he never gets potty-trained people might make fun of him and what if I'm at school and can't make them shut up good point maybe there's something we could teach him that he's ready to learn right now sharing the what is has uncloaked the joy I believed was lost with my brother at 12 years old I dreamt of motherhood in a perfect existence but in reality my life looks like this seriously I see myself and my daughter trying to look nice drinking a beer wondering why I had so many kids I am knee-deep in living a wonderfully imperfect life a life that doesn't much resemble that 12 year old girl script I stopped concerning myself with having perfect children I've given up on a meticulous house I've grown amazingly adept at stepping over piles of laundry for family movies think of a world where perfection is kicked to the curb it doesn't matter if your kids are Rhodes Scholars or don't know to stay out of the road it doesn't matter if you're single married or divorced it doesn't matter what job you have how much money you make or how much you weigh 154 okay I'm lying 162 lay down that siblings of order that we tend to present to the world on a silver platter and bring out the Tupperware offer the real version the unexpected one the truthful one the one that involves marriage and yelling do not put your deodorant on your sister's face exhaustion autism maybe even fear the life I plotted and planned doesn't touch the beautiful of the life I've been gifted a few years ago we were making plans for almost three year old Amos to join the special needs classroom at our elementary school my husband and I shared the news with them at the dinner table our younger two children were immediately excited but our oldest son almost 10 got up and quietly left the table a few minutes later I rose to look for him there he was curled up on the couch and my husband's study he was crying why can't a miss go to Normal preschool I just want him to be like everybody else I know I don't want him to have special needs if you could trade him for another brother would you I was unsure of his answer well no I've gotten used to him me too mine's not the life I mapped out for myself or would have chosen what I have chosen is to share this life and no one has taught me to embrace the unexpected more than a little boy named Amos [Applause] I miss you okay say thank you thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 10,873

Rating: 4.9384613 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Children, Compassion, Disability, Family, Parenting, Therapy

Id: pYXLAYJT3r8

Length: 17min 41sec (1061 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 10 2020