Faith and Doubt | Greg Tonkinson | TEDxGrandCanyonUniversity

this is a 2005 Ford tourus this is what the same vehicle looks like after it has been hit by another vehicle traveling at a speed of 75 miles an hour when this happens the amount of energy that is transferred from the speeding vehicle to the vehicle that that's at a standstill will not only cause this kind of damage but will actually launched the car up into the air causing it to land in this case right on its top now I would love to be here giving you another breathtaking Ted Talk of how I was the one in that vehicle and somehow miraculously survived and while this is a story of my recovery it's not because I was in that car but rather when this car became a knotted configuration of plastic and metal I was at home with my three children it was a rather uninteresting Saturday evening best I can recall kids were in the living room playing dad was watching TV when our evening was interrupted by three knocks on the door and the rest played out much like a movie good evening are you Greg tonkinson I am how can I help you sir my name is Officer Prather this is one of our child case workers this is one of our police chaplain may we come in sure what can I do for you officer sir is your wife Leanne tonkinson she is why sir you may want to sit down for this no disrespect officer but if you need to tell me something just go ahead and say it well sir at approximately 7:45 this evening your wife was killed in a car accident she was at a stoplight two miles from here and was hit from behind best we can tell her neck was broken upon impact and her passing was immediate and painless but sir we are so sorry for your loss and so on March 6 2010 myself along with 10-year-old Kaden six-year-old Bailey and four-year-old Malia began our journey of life without our wife and mother it's been a journey of grief that has been burdened by an assortment of emotions including rage and anger Joy hopelessness frustration even moments of Serenity but what has made this Tre so especially demanding for me is that I'm a man of faith not casual Faith but a faith that has defined me for over 30 years a man of the cloth if you will my current occupation my academic achievements the way I raise my children all have at their nucleus Faith so what do you do when your faith has been trauma azed by such a traumatic event what do you do when your identity has been rolled up into a worldview that promotes blessing and favor when you've enjoyed such titles as Pastor Reverend ordained minister teacher what do you do when you've told people time and time again to trust and follow and Obey what do you do when you earnestly begin doubting the very subject and that's with a capital s that you've been promoting your entire adult life one of the conclusions I've arrived at is this when we talk about faith and doubt I believe that honest doubting can be a normal experience for a person of Faith this was my last text to Leanne somewhat amusing in a rather morose way to consider that when I asked her this question she was no longer alive I think that's what makes this issue of faith and doubt so complex much more complex than the well-intentioned but rather insubstantial comments the kids and I received in the days that followed the accident telling us that we were going to be okay or that she's an angel looking down on us I believe that this complexity is derived from these fascinating brains we have brains that will spend the days that follow such a dreadful event trying to piece everything together as if somehow we could could prove in a courtroom setting that the event shouldn't have taken place and well if that's the case then history would have to be reversed and our suffering would cease and so we contemplate and wonder we fixate we become consumed with the wha ifs as if somehow that would change something but we realize that our present days simply are marked by how many days we got out of bed and how many days we didn't I believe this is issue is also complex because the Human Experience of grief involves so much more than that initial event a Cascade of new questions immediately demand our response and so they sit at the base of these fascinating brains and they Hound us day and night what will the future hold for you now who are you in light of what just happened how will you ever make it on your own I believe we were designed for peace and now our lives are ending anything but that of course this leads to frustration and anger and I found myself with my highest grievances levied against none other than God Almighty a uni unilateral prayer I had with God five days after the accident as was recorded in my journal dear God the pain that's beginning to set in right now is so intense I can't see your goodness I know you're near but I don't want that I want my wife back I wanted us to grow old and to die and to experience Heaven together so what happened to that plan why was that plan so wrong and why do you find it so appalling for me to want to watch my wife love on our kids for a few more years and now that you've taken her God when's it my turn and how awful would it be if you decided to take me home and leave our kids without a mother or a father you couldn't have changed your plan by one minute one minute and that stoplight wouldn't have been red one minute so no I can't see your goodness all I can see is you allowing my wife to be killed all I can see is you allowing my kids to live without a mother so how wrong is that God that's a dangerous place to be questioning and arguing with the God of all creation and I think I would have been swallowed up in that doubt had it not been for the many examples I found while reading ironically the Bible God's autobiography is filled with examples of his creation arguing with doubting lamenting questioning him and so I would read these passages over and over again I would even speak to audiences about them I felt like i' had been initiated into this new fraternity of anguished Souls who felt free to lash out at their creator seemingly without penalty I was finding great solace being around those who truly un OD what it felt like to question God and it was good for me to conclude that finite beings can in fact Express their displeasure to an infinite being somewhere along the journey I arrived at a question that I needed an answer to is this going to be a long-term experience for me will my journey of Faith now forever be embedded with this overtone of Doubt are Faith and doubt inextricably linked is what I was experiencing normative was I simply just late to this understanding can you maintain a healthy relationship with an infinite being all the while expressing and experiencing your doubt some would say yes author lesli Hazelton gave a fantastic fastic Ted Talk on faith and doubt claiming that faith and doubt yes will forever be linked Hazelton said that faith has no easy answers that it's difficult and stubborn that it involves this ongoing struggle she said that faith and doubt will forever be joined and that those who don't doubt really aren't experiencing faith I certainly agree that Faith by its nature is difficult and stubborn but I also think that Hazelton a self-proclaimed agnostic took a rather humanistic view of this topic if you will looking at it from the ground up if one's premise begins with there may or may not be a God and that challenges naturally produce doubt then yes this line of thinking should be Advanced if if your morality what is good what is bad is derived from experience and your experience with trials and tragedy lead you to question the existence of or the control of a higher being then yes faith and doubt will forever be joined together I'd like to offer another opinion another Viewpoint to this topic Perhaps Perhaps the reason we doubt isn't because we're seeking answers or we're expressing a raw emotion but could it be that the reason we doubt ultimately is to change Minds my doubting God allowed me to think I had some control in this event my doub in God allowed me to believe that I still had some skin in the game it fostered this notion that I could take my Affairs to the God of all creation and Not only would he listen to my concerns but that ultimately he would acques he would reverse history my doubting allowed me to go to God with my plan b or at the very least question his plan a somewhere along the line though the exhilaration of doubting him was replaced with a serious decision I had to made a conclusion I had to arrive at and that was either God is in control even of my trials and tragedies or that God isn't in control and will for ever put up with my doubting and speculating even change the course of history based on my suggestions but if that's the case then isn't it true that a higher power by definition ceases to be just that a higher power but rather is reduced to a glorified peer just with much cooler titles this peace that I had known because of my faith for over 30 years was being eroded and I wanted that peace back so I arrived at a significant Crossroads and that was either I'm going to spend my remaining days doubting God's plan or I'm going to spend my remaining days doing his plan both options admittedly are imperfect they are confusing and messy currently I'm choosing the latter part of that plan seems to be using Le stands death for good and I don't find any uniqueness in that I've talked to many people who have gone through a tragedy where some good has come of it I was greatly encouraged at her funeral to see how many people's Faith increased as a result of listening to the way she lived her life here on Earth several children have been named after her I take great pride in knowing that one day when those kids grow up and ask their moms and dads where did my name come from Leanne's going to be mentioned in that conversation an international nonprofit was started by Leanne's best friend Leanne was a pediatric nurse and now thousands and thousands of children's blankies are going all over the world helping little ones in need I got remarried and I'm watching this beautiful messy relationship unfold between my children and their new stepmother I continue to doubt but I'd like to believe that my doubting is framed more the way that Jesus Christ framed his uncertainties that night before the cross he went to God with his concerns but in the end he asked for God's will to be done not his I often do not possess that kind of strength and so I believe wondering why this happened will always be a part of my faith journey I have landed on the side of this discussion that promotes asking God for wisdom as opposed to doubting him but let me readily admit that not only is honest doubting something that should be expected when someone goes through a tragedy in some paradoxical way I think that doubting can increase one's Faith as I experienced just that perhaps author Brennan Manning gets it just right when talking about his own faith he claims that he is simply a bundle of paradoxes he believes and doubts he loves he hates he hopes and gets discouraged Manning claims that he often feels like an angel who also has an incredible capacity for beer tragedy is universal We're All in This Together perhaps we would be better served if we opened up more spaces free of judgment for people to come and share their aches and anguishes and agonies regard regard less of our religious dispositions I've learned that there is incredible power in understanding and empathizing with people who are in pain so may we rejoice and weep together and may we do it well thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 74,069

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Faith, God, Personal growth

Id: ALafX-xH11c

Length: 15min 30sec (930 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 12 2017