Everything Wrong With Cast Away In 14 Minutes Or Less

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41 seconds of logos by how many millions do you think FedEx outbid UPS for the product placement here let's be honest you can find a hundred different ways to write a guy onto a deserted island without it involving a worldwide shipping leader so this was scripted as product placement to help fund the film yes that's right this movie about a man who spends years on a deserted island and befriending a volleyball starts with a box lid view of a package being sent from a wife in Texas to her cheating husband in Russia while the intrigue surrounding this package might make a great movie we're four minutes in and all we've seen is a very twisted FedEx commercial kid runs through barricade and guard blows his whistle at him which kind of proves the in efficacy of whistles if you ask me I took the liberty to myself okay but why did you send the package to this restaurant first so that this kid had to run a mile to get to you why not deliver it straight here unless you just love giving this kid candy bars and CD player God almost all of this movies opening is useless wasteful and makes me angry look at that cheese that have Ian T that none of that stuff ends up on the eventually crash plane and washing ashore to the island along with the ice skates and the volleyballs honestly how many minutes of setup did you need in order to know his life was fast paced and he was a very successful smart guy prior to being shipwrecked my guess is it's way less than 10 and yet here we are today's truck was two minutes late the models would be four minutes late you know the US man in Russia serious question does the US Postal Service deliver mail to Moscow about this doctor down in Emory in Atlanta it's been a while since I've seen this movie it's Stan's wife's cancer responsible for Chuck's plane crashing on the island they sure have spent a long time on it after the previous year's the Green Mile where he was married to Bonnie Hunt Tom Hanks decided to date Helen Hunt in this movie it's the rear back-to-back love interest game known in Hollywood as the hump double just in case you have any doubt about Chuck's adventuring capabilities here's a bunch of pictures plaques and books so that assholes like us won't say how does this ordinary dude survive on a deserted island damn this is overkill looks like they invited home for the holidays the Family Stone home alone and National Lampoon's Christmas vacation to this dinner holy how do you get a table that size Christmas I got a gift for you is it something super on-the-nose thematically like a watch I hope it's a watch no one will be seated during the Chuck and Kelly exchange Christmas gifts before he gets on a plane and he buried the lede by not giving her the engagement ring that he planned to give her all along Xin Jie's it's almost like he wants his plane to crash I bet you forgot that this movie takes a full goddamn 21 minutes to even begin to cast anyone away [Music] jesus basket-weaving Christ Chuck finds the airplane seatbelt in under point zero five seconds an impossibility that's more impossible than him surviving this plane crash he's going after the watch man the power of boners is stupid okay this crash is pretty spectacular it's worth of sin often you know a better pilot perhaps one played by Tom Hanks and experienced in water landings probably could have saved more lives here like a situation needed more urgency now the spinning jet engine is gonna chew him up rotten Tommy I'm surprised a Megalodon doesn't eat him before he makes it to the island not only just Chuck survived a plane crash into the ocean and this engine explosion but also survives a freaking monsoon and this raft good thing we saw his sailing trophies and a picture of him on a bike earlier because I was having my doubts about this until I remembered that honestly this looks bad I know but after Forrest Gump Joe versus the volcano captain Phillips and Cloud Atlas these right here are only the fifth roughest seas Tom Hanks has ever faced look if you cut out the opening and the ending of this movie and make it just about his time on the island I love this movie but later on he's gonna do the math on how unlikely it is anyone will find them because of the size of the search area and I can't help but apply that same logic back to the fact that somehow he managed to drift unconscious onto an island that appears to be the size of an amusement park yes yes oosoos pedals are stymie and Helen Hunt's watch is still there somehow one of the thing this movie does extremely well is long takes often with a stationary camera I mean how many filmmakers have the balls to do it doesn't shock like this the answer is however many directors have worked with Tom Hanks in his prime and know to trust him but I'm still removing a sin for the directorial restraint okay this motherfucker came in with the time and is a super trained sailor and knows better than to draw this message here but the movie was so desperate for a tide washes hopeful a sight gag it temporarily made him stupid I mean just look at his stupid ass here he knew enough about tides to put his raft and the FedEx boxes up on that next tide free level back there but not enough to draw this message elsewhere things this movie either doesn't address or just utterly glosses over potable water and how long a person can go without potable water I mean seriously you cannot take salt water and boil it to make it drinkable all this dudes drinkable water is coming in rain on leaf variety which we see him do once or twice in total and how reliably consistent can that be my ultimate point is that this movie seemed to super gloss over the whole fresh water concern extremely smart person takes entirely too long to work through the obvious coconut answer to his audio riddle look I love Tom Hanks you love Tom Hanks the whole world loves Tom Hanks but hearing him shouting to avoid like Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor really gets on the nerves fast nothing says FedEx company man like a guy who just crash-landed into the ocean and floated to a deserted island on a raft like I'm gonna pretend like this is my sorting table and then I'm still on the clock it's like the realization that the coconuts are the noise he's been hearing triggers the first indication for him that he is both starving and thirsty as and that's a little weird he's been more worried about collecting packages the tide brings in than any of his human needs the balls on this guy bringing this many back before even knowing how he's gonna break into them wait wait I should have started with the coconuts on this guy can we do another tape of all the ways to first attempt to break open a wild coconut this guy goes with the Nolan Ryan method goddamn mother nature did you maybe overdo it on the coconut security he seems really surprised to find a cave on the island he hasn't even begun to explore prior to now FedEx is now statistically more reliable at delivering packages from that plane to this island but it is delivering I bought on eBay to my front door movie yada-yada is over an awful lot of rock climbing Celia you mean to tell me this guy didn't carry any cash on him I mean yeah Jamie's dead though dude love is great but you can love the asite during the day don't waste your limited flashlight on every other second glances at your girlfriend's picture Jesus sometimes like you want to dock sigh this island survival movie that ignores a lot of the questions I have does answer the one question we all have yes he poops and he kicks sand on it like my orange tabby and what is it about Tom Hanks and peeing in movies he does this all the time Forrest Gump Green Mile a league of their own Apollo 13 Toy Story the man must have gotten tired of movies not addressing whether or not people pee and decided I'm going to write a terrible wrong with my acting career again the movie deliberately showed me a glory shelf of his sailing accolades so the idea that he would think this half-assed without a sail could ever work is just an excuse to bloat the run time looks painful like way more painful than not ever having gone out there on a half deflated raft in the first place sorry if I'm having trouble finding my pity he's drinking that chocolate milk cave pond water and if you don't vomit or at least gag a bit you're not human this is wrong it's out you don't say you are a jackass Chuck exposes his gnarly infected leg which never factors into this movie again also this seems to be a legal document but the middle paragraph of these divorce papers indicate that the law firm of mastic and godson is almost like the mom because it says we have ways and measures of getting a hold of you wherever you go I have a feeling they leave that out in the advertisements make all the jokes you want to but this is exactly how Scott Hamilton found his calling Chuck decides not to open this one probably as a symbol that even when things are at their worst he can still keep some sort of moral compass but man well if this thing has something he could really use I don't move 50 sins if we found out that the box contained a raft a radio nautical maps signal flares and add just one drop of water food and and yes I know that's impossible for a package the size but what the hell man like most naked and afraid contestants eventually a producer came in with a Zippo and lit dish and then the cameras started rolling to make it look like he finally started the fire with this bow drill free wow what a neat bloody handprint that could not have happened when Chuck grabbed this volleyball also let's not forget Chuck grabbed the ball with his fingers pointed toward the AVP letters in this shot but now they point away from them in this shot could the ball have rotated when he threw it maybe but I'm sitting it anyway the Wilson character ends up being super crucial to this emotional journey just imagine if they used another brand like Spaulding or Rawlings or Moulton or touch acara just wouldn't have that same sad ring if hanks were tearfully screaming out Rawlings good god how can you not take a sin off for this look how joy this brings him she's much prettier in real life looks like the National Soccer Hall of Fame enlisted Chuck to draw the image of Brandi Chastain on her plaque the scene was cut from the dentist because it was too graphic I wished the movie I'm referring to had a more subtle name but it's the dentist only a lot of time must've went by like enough time to shoot what lies beneath also view movie I don't care all awesome he got it spearfishing that motherfucker can't even see this fish from all the way over there Chuck shows faith in the tape inside a VHS cassette to keep his raft intact I know I know character in a movie he says he's not gonna do a thing only to be doing that exact thing in the next shock leash it also wasn't he making rope out of the plants on the island so are those completely gone not entirely sure why he needs to risk his life for this particular rope really it just seems like the movie needed a way to tell us that he contemplated suicide and didn't go through with it look the film is just a few minutes away from the ultimate Wilson emotional gut punch I honestly think this faked out Wilson emotional gut punch under my it's the real one coming later rather than adding to or building to it also if you're on this island and reading this message haha you're on a deserted island you I could give you instructions on how to build a fire but I'd much rather just tell you how much I love the girlfriend I left behind whatever Island materially he used to paint this giant version of the angel wings doodle he finds so fascinating and precious they should damn well have been removed at this point by saltwater and torrential downpour he did not have the all-weather bear collection at his disposal when painting this it's not an I almost died at sea movie if there isn't a friendly whale visit all that storms waves in this movie is so much of a mother but what ultimately separates him from Wilson will be an after-the-fact harmless wave this movie just made me cry over a volleyball a volleyball doesn't that deserve a sit off no no it doesn't but here's a sin off anyway no one probably cares about probabilities at this point except me but the odds of him being discovered at sea aren't any better than him being discovered on that Island sure you're gonna tell me that by leaving he ended up in a shipping lane that many cargo ships use and got himself seen and fine but my reply is more about how many times he should have died on that Homer Simpson ramp before reaching the shipping lane this movie gives the middle finger to math basically also we are now done with the survival portion of the movie in the final 35 minutes will be about how weird it is that the mad about you girlfriend has married mr. big but why what took for weeks surely something dramatic and enthralling happened when that boat found Chuck and took him back to civilization why wouldn't we want to see that we buried you I had a funeral and a coffin gravestone you know what I rarely send trailers but this exact scene was in the fucking trailer the trailer told you that he was definitely going to get off the island sure you knew in your heart he would get off the island anyway but it just makes it a little less satisfying to go along on the journey so you had my funeral and then you had Mary's you know there it is folks that's sweet yet sour payoff from the my wife is dying foreshadowing earlier on with the Scott I mean this movie needs all the punches in the gut it can get right because the baseline story here is so vanilla I'm Kelly's husband she's weak doubt naturally so instead of coming here herself she sent the guy she married after you died the why didn't she send a lawyer or a sibling or a college friend of all the people to ask to explain to it you chose your current as husband this is very hard night and for everyone honestly I feel like this movie should either be trying to explore the crash survivor island life or the what happens when I come back from surviving and my girlfriend married someone else in her personal impact of such an experience but not both alas the movie goes for both this guy on the first day back to the mainland after four years of Island survival everyone just leaves him alone in a hotel room somehow his mental health was entirely ignored and everyone just assumes he can process everything fine and will be up at dawn tomorrow ready for all the interviews like he's George Clooney and not someone just emerging from four years of major trauma about ten minutes ten minutes with the girlfriend who thought I was dead for four years and married while I was gone should be just enough time for me also I got to admire this cab driver Chuck is famous right now and has been through a lot but he can't spare any time for this guy hey man Memphis at this hour is a hotbed of cab activity right now dude I need to be free to earn that sweet sweet weeknight at 1:00 in the morning met this cab fare thankfully his impulsive late-night visit to his ex-girlfriend's house comes at a time when the kids are asleep and the husband's conveniently gone and it's raining so she has to invite him in Houston Oilers are the Tennessee Titans they went to the Super Bowl last year they almost won by one yard one lousy yard right at the end yeah about that thanks for crushing my soul again but the one yard was a chance to get within one point and then hope something weird didn't happen with Al Del Greco on the after point then over time who knows what would happen to overtime but stop with the we would have one narrative can I Drive it car taxi he didn't even wait the 10 minutes Chuck found the least sympathetic cab driver in the world he didn't give two fucks about this dude it's hilarious and I'm sitting it anyway because the sin counts probably pretty low sudden vehicular gift is sudden you were dead for a long time what a cheap maybe make up for it a bit I can't give you my vagina I'm afraid I know that she told Chuck that this was still his car but she and her husband have been using it as a second car now tomorrow mr. big is gonna wake up and see that the family has to use one car without being consulted if Chuck can wait a few months Kelly will be available again in no time oh come on he did not see her and definitely did not hear her in this rain this kiss while realistic from her perspective she thought he was dead of course she still loves him ends up symbolizing everything I hate about this movie which is that his survival becomes all about his love for her then they neuter it by giving her a new husband life fine but this is no longer story deserving of film treatment he ends up sadist like me I hate you [Music] Chuck likes to play songs that are apt to the situation and luckily his favorite artist Elvis Presley did a song called return to sender which is perfect for what he's currently doing well it appears that Betina kept this science dick off Chuck his little literal crossroads in his life and I appreciate the heavy-handed symbolism but dude seriously go wherever this woman is going is there even really a choice he does look in that direction at the end but he should already be in his car for the record this is a long ass movie but it's still shorter than Star Wars the last Jedi sack is motivated to prove he can survive the 21 days his overall lack of experience in an unforgiving tropical environment may hurt him Zack begins with a PSR of 6.8 la 87 hours is a shameful outrage this is just you are a sad strange little man and you have my pity he died of dysentery give me the watch I hit this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years hello anybody oh wow got coral right there in your leg

Info

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,003,706

Rating: 4.5326242 out of 5

Keywords: cast away, castaway, tom hanks, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, mistakes, review

Id: P0tFjpzDqx0

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 15min 6sec (906 seconds)

Published: Tue May 29 2018

Reddit Comments

OK, I may sound crazy but I think this deserved Best Picture over Gladiator. How many other actors in the 21st century do you think could pull off doing 3/4s of a movie by themselves?

👍︎︎ 14 👤︎︎ u/ROBOT_B9 📅︎︎ May 29 2018 🗫︎ replies

I expected a LOST joke in the shortcuts.

👍︎︎ 5 👤︎︎ u/5tormwolf92 📅︎︎ May 29 2018 🗫︎ replies

FedEx outbid UPS by exactly $0, which is to say FedEx didn't pay anything for product placement.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/bubonis 📅︎︎ May 30 2018 🗫︎ replies

A lot of good and funny sins. But the sin about his mental health in the hotel room, wasn't that 4 weeks after he was found? He could adjust.

"Just look at his stupid ass here."

I'm still laughing.

👍︎︎ 2 👤︎︎ u/symmec1ept 📅︎︎ May 30 2018 🗫︎ replies