Emotional Intelligence at Work

I thank you thank you okay great you heard up my name is Hank Weisinger I'm a psychologist I'm very happy to be here and I think the subject matter that we are going to be speaking about will have great application in work but I will tell you even more importantly as a clinician in your personal lives how many have kids living at living at home for those of you have children at home before you go to bed tonight you will be able to apply what we are going to be speaking about I do want to make a little comment because you did hear the reference to anger management I was in the movie I written the book home anger at work I am in the scene right behind home plate to tell you the truth they wanted me to play Jack's part but he did it for less money my daughter is in the scene as well standing right behind Woody Harrelson I would tell all of you if you get the I have much more presence in the deleted scenes on the on the DVD emotional intelligence my agenda is to give you a five-minute rap on emotional intelligence a little rant and then I want to get it to some very specific ways of how you can bring the concept of emotional intelligence to life whether it is in your relationships with each other whether it is in your relationships at home or with your clients and in the back of the mount your mind so we can have some data to work for I want you to ask yourself very quickly what are the three most prevalent emotions that you experience during the course of a working day what are the three emotions that you experience now if to give you a heads up if you have to think about it that is not a good sign because that tells me you are really clueless to what your emotional landscape is the how are you when you go into your house when you get home 5:30 6 o'clock what is your mood that is probably the dominant mood that you had for for the day if you are like most people in corporate America I mean I would actually bet that I know the emotions you're going to write down and I would say the first emotion that comes to everybody's mind is frustration how many people had frustration out there okay let me give you a tip if you're experienced a lot of frustration whatever you're doing isn't working that's why you're frustrated then it is very interesting because after people write down frustration then they tend to write down enthusiasm now as a psychologist I will say that frustration tends to have a negative connotation in in corporate America if you're frustrated you know we think that's troublesome because people don't understand it so therefore people immediately have to put down something positive so they say they're enthusiastic and then the next emotion they tend to write down is anxiety it's very difficult as a psychologist you're telling me frustration and anxiety but yet there is enthusiasm and I always like to ask people what less longer do you stay enthusiastic longer or D stay frustrated and the answer is obviously frustration I've known many people in clinical situations and spend their entire life being frustrated angry depressed with enthusiasm it's a little different you know like if you're a Red Sox fan the Red Sox win the World Series you get happy you get excited and then two days later so what and it goes it goes away so as you were writing these emotions down keep them in the back of your mind because I want you to start asking yourself how do you manage them what are your emotional management strategies and more importantly what do they tell you about yourself about your own life and if you're not experiencing enthusiasm then the question will become how do you create enthusiasm within yourself within your department with the people you you work with so and I will walk you through the handout I'm not really a handout guy so we'll be all over the place but I do want you to know left Roenick lee you can get a copy of the handouts because it'll be a very good reference tool and more importantly and I'll walk you through it there will be a blueprint for applying your emotional intelligence which will help you integrate the concepts that I'm going to be addressing into your own personal life the most important concept is what I call taking action and this is a problem for most people see the reality is as I'm just speaking all that is his insight who cares doesn't do anything from my therapy days when I lived in LA I did a lot of therapy first of all if you live in LA you have to do therapy but I was I was licensed to to do it and I would see people they'd come to my office excuse the language they'd be screwing up their lives they didn't know why and I would always call this group unconsciously incompetent their lousing up their lives they don't know why now after a few sessions of therapy they develop insight now they are consciously incompetent they're lousing up their lives they know why but nothing has changed and nothing has changed I've seen this over and over and over because the people did not want to do it I've given thousands of presentations to corporate America everybody takes notes you know in a full day seminar and then that's it and then they put it in their drawer and they do not implement you cannot take a Jane Fonda home video stick it in a video machine lie in bed watch it expect to lose weight you need to do it so I'm going to give you many take actions and that's what the blueprint does it forces you to develop your emotional intelligence now let me quickly start out by give you an idea what emotional intelligence is and some characteristics about emotions when we say emotional intelligence what that really means it's different types of intelligence and one type of intelligence and I certainly would say if you are an actuary you're going to be high on what we call cognitive and mathematical intelligence verbal skills if I were to say to all of you how is a orange and a banana alike you would all say both through then the next question might be how's table and a chair alike both furniture now as you go up the hierarchy the last question is how is a fly in a tree alike at which point you would say they're both living organisms now those are your verbal reasoning skills mathematical reasoning skills it takes six men to do a job in three days how many men does it take to do the same job and a half a day if each man works six hours now with that SAT tutoring forget that but that would be your mathematical skills now here is the only important point about your intelligence and as I say this because it applies to all of you please look around very quickly at all of your colleagues just take a look and as you're looking at them and as they are looking at you I want all of you to know that from this point on there is not one person in this room who will become more intelligent your intelligence has maxed out in fact the truth is is I look at some of you it's only a matter before that IQ starts to go south do not confuse more knowledge with becoming more intelligent you can learn 5,000 new vocabulary words great your verbal reasoning skills are still the same it's the same thing with learning to do the new math problem your mathematical skills is still to say well my son went to college years ago the acts like he's still in college but as he went years ago I will tell you that I was smarter than all of his friends who went to school but his three friends who went to MIT or much more intelligent so given the fact that your cognitive intelligence is not going to develop what gives you the edge what separates you by more than six degrees from a person sitting next to you it's not your intellect because I say that everybody in the room is basically the same everybody who goes to Harvard or Yale or Princeton is smart but once you're in everybody is the same that's where the concept of emotional intelligence starts to come into play there are a lot of people who will say well emotional intelligence is more important than cognitive intelligence that is not true that is not true however your rational intelligence at best ten percent of your success ten percent that means is ninety percent out there that is unaccounted for ninety percent even if what we're talking about is another ten percent that is HUGE because it's never been developed I take the position that nobody in this room has ever had their emotional intelligence formally developed how many of you when you were in high school show of hands had a course in English everybody how many who had a class in self-awareness nobody how many of you had a class in math everybody how many had a class in managing your emotions nobody now you tell me what was the last time somebody came up to at work and said who the hell was that general in the French Revolution you don't need that information but that's what you studied name the capitals of all the states what ridiculous type of information did Paul Simon say in that song when I think of back of all the in quotes crap I learned in high school now we know he was exactly right motional intelligence gives you an edge because you have not developed it and that's why I'm going to spend the majority of my time telling you how you can develop your emotional intelligence four quick points about emotions one they're universal everybody in the room has the same emotions I saw your world chart believe me your colleagues in Shanghai have exactly the same emotions that you have here in New Jersey the same thing with your clients it doesn't matter whether somebody is struck by an earthquake in South America or somebody it's LA it is the same emotions what I have learned is a psychologist is even though we have the same emotions we express them very differently for example how Jack expresses anger can be very different than how Jane expresses anger but they both have to do it there are family differences how one family deals with anger is different than how another family deals with anger but they both deal with it there are organizational differences trust me on this point how a company like IBM deals with an angry employee is totally different than how a company like Merrill Lynch deals with the same individual but they both have to deal with it there are cultural differences a Japanese woman for example expresses anger at her mother-in-law by having an imperfect floral arrangement on the table in America they throw the flowers at the mother again the point is the point is they both have to do so that's the first point emotions are universal - and this is why I am here you cannot get away from this point emotions impact performance emotions impact performance there are some emotions called swing emotions anger and anxiety that can go both ways I'm a big sports fan I've seen hundreds of times of my favorite athletes teams they mismanaged anger derails them next thing the game is lost spiking a football because you don't get a first down like John Elway did in a Super Bowl and penalized his team does not help when somebody a basketball player gets a technical foul because they're not managing their emotions does not help it makes the situation worse on the other hand I'm going to show them you can use anger as a motivator to harness that arousal converted into energy anxiety is the same way anxiety can derail you or it can motivate you when my daughter was in high school studying for history test she thinks she's ready I know she isn't I would deliberately increase her anxiety which is the same strategy I would use if I had some arrogant young guy thinks he knows everything I'm going to increase his or her anxiety and the way I did that with my daughter and I would ask her questions that she didn't know understand what anxiety means uncertainty that is why when there was a hurricane a disaster and I'm a homeowner one of my primary emotions is I am getting anxious I am uncertain what is going to happen to me is this going to be covered that is why in terms of customer service I want you to remember that one of your first tactics dealing with a person who has thrown in a disaster claim is to reduce their anxiety by giving them information and giving them reassurance so you can make an anger and anxiety work both ways there are other emotions that always bring out the worst depression dejection disappointment nobody in this room can tell me that you can perform well when you are feeling down this is why it's so important to create optimism optimism is the antithesis of depression optimism is positive thoughts and feelings about the future how many times have you heard when President Obama gives a speech first thing he starts to do is spin optimism towards the future I'll give you a personal example because my mother at the time she was like 88 years old living in an assisted living home and I would get phone calls this is a woman who has traveled the world three times over those days of God so I would get phone calls not an exaggeration every single day Hank I hate it here I can't live here it's terrible I don't want to die here and I'm thinking you know not just as their son but as a psychologist I have to help her out I made her optimistic I'll tell you how I did it how many of you I hope all of you saw the movie about Schmidt with Jack Nicholson as if you haven't seen it Jack plays a actuary and at the beginning of the movie his wife dies so he gets the actuary book and he looks up statistically how many years does he have left and then that becomes the theme of the film how he wants to spend those remaining years this is what I do with my mother I called her up I said mom I've got great news for you so kudos what is it what is it I said well I looked up in the book you only have to be more years oh I can make it she got so excited because she knew she was out of there in three years I made her optimism and there are some emotions that always enhance your success always and this is what is being referred to as the new psychological capital confidence optimism tenacity and enthusiasm that is it that's how you want to be those attributes give you tremendous advantages not just at work but in life so you need to be thinking how can i if you have kids how can I make them confident how can I make them optimistic how can I make them tenacious how can I make them enthusiastic so that's the second point emotions for better or for worse impact your behavior what emotional intelligence is to leverage that point look at the emotions you wrote down to use those emotions to work for you rather than against you third key point is that all emotions including anger intrinsically are good counterintuitive we think when I had written a book on anger was the biggest mistake I ever made because nobody wanted to buy it I'd go up to a person in airport sir I thought you'd like a new copy of my book on your work do I look like an angry person at a negative connotation I'm serious this is the joke that my friends and I that I would share with them I'll call up a company I'd like to talk to your managers about managing anger don't forget it nobody's angry here and don't you ever call us again seriously now six months later I quote the same person same organization I'd like to talk to your managers about emotional and tell us who yeah that's good it's like emotional intelligence good anger bad and that's because and I didn't even understand it at the time people do not understand the emotion what does anger communicate when one of your friends is angry what's the first thing you ask him or her most likely it's what's wrong now you know the function of anger it is a cue that something is wrong what idiot organizations do is they make believe nobody's angry if I am a CEO I want to know what makes you angry because all that means is you think this is wrong when I am a customer and I'm angry because I've been on the phone for 40 minutes that's what I'm angry about I am waiting for 40 minutes to talk to somebody I have found one of the most useless things that somebody in customer services can say is I'm sorry I really apologize I always tell the person you know what save that for the guy in back of me I don't want an apology I just want service so how do you respond to an angry person if you know that if somebody is angry the first thing the best thing always to say to an angry person is tell me what's wrong because they're going to tell you what's wrong anyway so use that to work for you anxiety tells you that you are uncertain enthusiasm tells you that you are excited dejection depression tells you that you have no hope optimism when you say you're optimistic it means that you expect positive things to happen so the third point is that anytime you experience an emotion I want you to start thinking what does the emotion tell me and once you know the message of the emotion then you can start to respond more effectively in all emotions is the fourth point in psychology work the same think of like when you get angry a your thoughts how you talk to yourself when you are angry is very different than how you talk to yourself when you are happy the problem is most people are not aware of how they talk to themselves physically is component of all emotions what happens to your body how do you know physically when you are anxious or when you are angry or when you are getting defensive if somebody is criticizing me the faster I recognize that I am becoming defensive the faster sit back listen to what the person is saying he or she is trying to help me most of us are not thinking those thoughts when I when you are getting defensive and the third component of all emotions visualize it like a triangle thoughts on one corner physical arousal on another and behavior your actions again using anger the last time you got angry what did you do did it help or did it make the situation worse the last time you got into an argument with your partner what did you do when you say I don't want to talk to you and walk out of the room for 10 hours that clearly is not helping what are your thoughts when you were angry I guarantee the last time you got into an argument whether it was with your partner whether it was with your your boss your co-workers and you walked out of the room I bet my life on it you are not thinking they got a lot of wonderful things about them you were basically thinking all negative and therefore as a quick tip anytime you get angry at somebody anytime immediately think of something positive about them because it prevents your thoughts from escalating in a negative way now we have this concept of emotional intelligence and what I hate about it is that it's turned into a business if you do a google you will see thousands know millions of references and everybody says well here are the thirty factors of being emotionally intelligent other people will say here with the twelve here are eight I don't know where these numbers come from but I do know where my five numbers come from the theory of emotional intelligence was created by two psychologists Peter Salva who is a new president of Yale University who has made one of his missions to create a more emotionally intelligent university community and John Mayer at the University of New Hampshire and my work is based on a application of the theory of emotional intelligence which translated means that there are going to be five key factors now to work backwards I will say that those people who are high on these five factors are the most successful people in life there's just tons of research the first is high self-awareness what high self-awareness means is that you tuned in to how you think how you feel how your behavior impacts others 24/7 I don't want everybody to have just self-awareness I'm talking about high self-awareness because when you don't have high self-awareness you get yourself in trouble you lose your boundaries think of high self-awareness as having a compass it's an internal navigational system your kids would tell you you would use the afraid clueless and that's what that's what clueless really means is that you have no awareness of how you are approaching other people one of the concepts of why self-awareness is so important is remember that it is through your own perceptions of the world that everybody in the room including myself of course that we decide are you the hero the villain or the victim have you ever noticed that some of your friends when they spin a story they're always a hero some people are always the bad guy some people are always the victim they always put themselves in a in a victim role but how do you know your perceptions of life are accurate because a lot of people confuse the data with their interpretation meaning that if I see my boss walk down the hallway that's the data and if he or she doesn't say hello to me that's my interpretation so I said why did my boss say hello to me oh I know they're pissed off it may find I won't talk to them either the reality is the reality is your boss is running to the bathroom they're not stopping for anybody this is nothing to do with you so one of the things that you have to start gaining awareness is differentiating between what you see and your interpretation of it if you are talking to me and just because I'm looking at my watch does not mean I'm in a rush maybe I just got a brand-new watch that somebody gave me and I am admiring it you have too many times check it out we'll get to that the second key strategy is mood management your ability to manage your emotions how do you manage anger how do you manage anxiety how do you manage disappointment how do you create enthusiasm how you manage anger is different than how you manage anxiety which is different than how you create happiness which is different than how you manage frustration because all those emotions communicate different information now in the handout which I will walk you through you will see specific strategies for those emotions we are going to talk in generic strategies as a function of the amount of time that we that we have together one of the important things about moods very important is they're like a social virus they are literally contagious have you ever noticed that you're in the car with your partner he or she starts raising their voice do you never notice what happens to you you start raising your voice you know I could be there with my ex-wife and you'll understand why I use the word axe pretty soon they tell you more stories but you know sitting in the car and she cannot be on my case and I'm thinking to myself I'm doing good I'm taking the deep breath and then after a while it's all right or ready look how you're acting and then I become the villain you are catching the other person's emotion this happens in organizations this is how anxiety starts to spread through this is why one of the things I've noticed and your management is much more of a management supervisory skill anxiety management is much more of an executive skill because being a leader this is what there's nothing in front of you so you have to always go into the unknown when executives can have anxiety problems that is a big problem because they're never decisive and that spreads through in an organization I want you to start to think how do you pick up the emotions of another person if I get a message from my editor on my machine and it says hang please call immediately I know whether that's good news or bad news what am i responding to tone sound carries emotion what is an angry voice sound like what a happy boy sound line what is a sad voice sound mic so right away as soon as the client calls when your customer service people are trained in terms of identifying sounds there was a huge article on The Wall Street Journal with this in Rayleigh company now who's making a fortune creating devices that actually do that think of that when a pilot calls which pilots voice sounds the most anxious that's the person maybe who needs the most attention immediately very effective so one of the ways we pick up emotions is through sound you watch the same Seinfeld episode over and over and over you laugh at the same thing over and over and over why oh I can relate to it forget it I can tell you a joke you say I've heard it before it's not funny there's a soundtrack in Seinfeld a laugh track that's why you were laughing I went sour Seinfeld episode without a laugh track it's one of the dumbest shows I've ever seen son it's it's not it's not funny so sound carries emotion facial expressions what does a happy face look like what is a sad face what is a bored face one of the things is again a take action I know it sounds hokey but for your benefit I get nothing extra stand in front of a mirror and talk about things that are important to you and you will start to see facial expressions I had a patient one time she was getting married I see you know you don't really sound happy get in front of the mirror and talk about this guy she called off the wedding serious like this becomes a very powerful a very powerful strategy I point this out is as a very quick tip always anticipate the emotional state of those people you're going to encounter because then you can start to prepare for it just because your office partner is angry or anxious why should you be anxious if you were going to see your boss I want you to think is he going to be or she going to be good mood bad mood because the responses are different I'm meeting with my team are they going to be angry are they going to be anxious I want to know what that emotion is before I encounter the person personal example I would be driving down my household like if this was 10 years ago 15 years ago and I live in Connecticut so I would be getting home let's say I'm leaving here like it for so Simmi I'm walking to my house at six o'clock as I'm going down the driveway I see my house I am thinking what is the emotional state my household because I want to know what I'm walking into oh my daughter Bree ninth grade at the time on an AOL chat line taking a homework break my son Danny three years younger four years younger I forget doing everything in his power to harass her no daddies let our two giant dogs a golden retriever black lab the dogs are now running around more chaos my wife at the time was a nurse and a headache clinic so she came home with a headache so I'm thinking is I'm getting closer my wife is flipping out the kids are yelling and screaming the dogs are running all around this is why I back up out of the driveway immediately I'd have to be insane to go into that house but no crazier than you'd have to be to go into a meeting conference room a meeting with an individual without anticipating what the person's mood is third key is self motivation now if I were to say how many people here are self motivators everybody raises their hand how do you know your self motivators well I set my own goals I exercise nobody has to tell me to do that but I bet somebody has to tell you to clean out the garage self motivation is not about getting up early and sending your own goals think like a psychologist self motivation is how good are you at doing things you can't stand how good are you at doing things you can't stand I'm a great self motivator I'm under a deadline I don't like writing I like to promoting the talking the thinking but I know how to get myself to write books that's what self motivation is all about getting and in everybody's job there are things you don't like doing that's why self motivation is so important now notice these first three it's all about you if you were driving home and you're stuck in traffic you get angry nobody's doing that to you these nobody is deciding how self motivated you can you can be these first three are what I like to call interpersonal emotional intelligence it's all about you the next two involve other people into personal expertise how good in you have building consensus how good are you are working out conflict how come you work out conflict differently with your boss than you do with your kids what are the rules that you are making it's like it's like expression of emotions I would bet my life on it I bet my life on it that every parent in this room has yelled at their kids love you now please tell me why is it okay to yell at your kids who love you but it's not okay to yell at your boss what guarantee does not love you okay what are the rules that govern emotional expression what are the rules of Chubb that govern emotional expression what creative organizations the trend is giving outlets for people to express their emotions it used to be corporate America that you can be enthusiastic passionate before your time Tom Peters wrote this book in search of excellence and he was saying passion passion passion so every CEO will tell you it's okay to be passion or enthusiastic but they don't want you to be angry every time I see a couple and they come and they say well first thing we wanted me to tell you is that we never get angry at each other okay what's the next thing you want to tell me that you're here because you have a sex problem oh yeah how did you know if you stifle one emotion you are stifling the other so interpersonal expertise are all the things you do with other people working out conflict building consensus team communication criticism start to think of how well you give criticism start to think how well you take criticism and we'll talk a little about that in a few minutes and the fourth fifth competency which is the hardest is emotional mentoring and the reason emotional mentoring is the hardest is many times you have your own agenda so if you are working for me and you're my right-hand person you've been with me for 15 years and I know that I am successful because of you and you tell me you got an offer from another job and he asked me what you should do I'm going to say you know what they're not going to come through you need to work here because I'm thinking of myself it's like if you're my patient a doctor my singer seen you for the last three months you know once a week and my life is really great now so I just wanted to say thank you very much I won't be coming in anymore now I look at my calendar and I say my god I only have four patients next week I go back to that person I say you're not going anywhere in fact you need to come in three times a week I am thinking of myself not the other person this is how parents create dysfunctional kids the parent will say you have to do this you have to go into this situation Johnny is top student worldwide any university in the world full academic scholarship he is also a phenomenal athlete so he has both covered he can go to any school on a football basketball scholarship or any school on an academic scholarship comes home one day and says mom dad I've decided I'm not ready for college I need to develop my self-awareness I'm going to tile in for a year and the parents flip out what are you crazy because they're thinking how do I explain this to my friends how do we explain this to your grandmother this is like the mother saying to her five year old who's having a little fit you're gonna you if you don't get dressed you're not gonna go to that dance class which the mother would never give up because that's how she sees her friends at the dance class forces the kid to to to do it so all these taken together bring to light emotional intelligence an example of motional mentoring would be I come to you you're my boss I'm having a problem with Jack every time I talk to me interrupts me he's abrasive to me he doesn't respect to me help me now how can you help this person without giving them advice I have found the major way that managers executives help their staff is simply by giving them advice which is nuts because they've already heard that advice a hundred times if your daughter or son comes home from school they're having a problem with their friend what are the strategies can you use to help them without giving them advice and role playing would certainly be one option show me what up show me what Jack does and I will show you how to interact with him or her so these are the five competencies if I am creating a new performance appraisal for an organization this is I want to look at I don't need to see the other things the other 10 attributes I'm not saying they're not important but it's more of the same now how do we bring these factors to life let me give you some concrete strategies that you can start to do within the next 24 hours the first remember we talked about one of the dimensions of emotions is your thoughts learn to listen to how you talk to yourself did we pay attention how you talk to yourself especially when you're angry I remember playing tennis with my nephew this is years ago he's 40 now a hedge fund manager in Boston so this is when 20 when he was 16 so did the math 24 years ago we're playing tennis he double faults on his first survey takes his racquet throws it into the net he walks around saying I stink I'm terrible now true my harassment had something to do with that but nevertheless his game just got worse I would like everybody to spend one minute sitting in back and just listen to how you are talking to yourself do it okay now start to process how do your thoughts work see some of you will focus on the content thinking about the things that you have to do or you'll say my thoughts are critical what I want you to look at is that if your thoughts were in front of you what would their attributes be for example do you speak to yourself quickly or slowly now those who say slowly have an edge because we speak really quick if you're speaking quickly now and you're really not agitated what do you think happens in the heat of the moment faster slower everything speeds up that is why the generic strategy for managing anger and anxiety is to slow yourself down sir could you speak a little slower so I can gather the information so I can help you ASAP if I say that to that angry person believe me I have just reduced their anger which makes him or her easier for me to deal with and also when you get angry you're thinking very irrationally distort things that's why something happens on a Monday you get upset Tuesdays no big deal why what's changed it's still going to pay the ticket the report was still late the event never ever changes what does change is how you think about it that's why a good strategy when somebody is angry like one of your staff members or colleague or your son or daughter a good strategy is you know what think about it for a little bit because it gives them time to physically calm down do you talk to yourself would you say in complete sentences or shorthand statements and everybody's going to say shorthand statements and that's a problem for all of us because every shorthand statement really means something else but you're talking so quickly you don't say is it true for example one of the shorthand statements that we all use at work as we say blew it and what is blooood really mean see if I walked off this stage and I said I blew it what does blew it really mean well I'll stretch it out I screwed up I failed lousy presentation I'm never going to work with this company again bad for my reputation not going to make any more money won't be able to pay my bills everybody's gonna leave me what's the point of living now that happened know what I want you to realize that happens in about a second during the Madoff scandal remember a guy in Sweden lost a billion dollars anybody remember what he did threw himself in front of a train they use that in Wall Street too they had a take off on that now what do you think he was saying to himself you can't even imagine there is not one person in this room who can imagine what would you have to say to yourself to make you jump in front of a train now you can understand how gloomy depression is you can't relate to a clinically depressed person and start to think what do you think your clients are saying when they have had a disaster what if you want to relate more effectively to other people a very good strategy is that when they tell you something think of a similar situation does it have to be the same if your kids did poorly in a test you think of when you did poorly in a presentation and instead of saying you should have studied harder you'll say things like yeah that's that's a lousy feeling and you'll start to be much more empathic so I want you please don't say you don't have time five minutes a day to sit back and listen to how you talk to yourself and you know what many of you are going to find how you talk to yourself doesn't help makes the situation worse some of you're going to find that every time you think of a presentation you're talking negatively to yourself you're undermining your own level of confidence some of you're going to find that every time you have to work with a particular person you are talking negatively to your to yourself some for some of you your thoughts will help you who is a better day the guy who wakes up in the morning this is hung man the economy sucks it's a jungle out there I'm going to lose business what's the point of going to work or the person who wakes up I don't care how the economy is I don't care what's out there I'm going to have a great day we all know the difference so I want you to get practice listening to how you talking to your self and the domestic example shorthand statement that I know you've all said if you're in a relationship you get into an argument with your party say that's it what the hell does that mean that's it that's it I went out the board Salamone what's going to kids where the neighbors gonna take all in a microsecond and I would get into arguments my wife and she'd say that's it okay okay that's it I'm gonna go watch the Yankee game but I realize that's it don't even automate now once you are aware of how you can talk to yourself you can use the second strategy use your thoughts as instructional self stages use your thoughts as instructional self statements follow-up to my nephew six weeks after that tennis incident I'm back in Michigan now this time we go bowling we're in the seventh frame I look at the score I say my god my nephew's up thirty pins I got to get back into this match but then I got a hold of myself so I'm listening to myself and I hear myself saying Hank what are you doing you always have to compete with the nfu you have to make everything a wouldn't lose situation is that the type of relationship you want and I will tell all of you that I felt very proud of myself that I inhibited such a juvenile adolescent knee or have to win all I said to him was Derek you're up 30 points don't choke I am trying to be supportive encouraging he hands-on he wins decisively and as we're walking out he says to me when you told me not to choke I mean we're trying to psyche me out but I just told myself if nobody says take a deep breath keep the ball on the right side of the alley you'll do fine this is uncle I felt great what's the difference in a matter of weeks he learned to talk to himself productively now your take action to turn this into technique is to think of a situation at work that in order to be effective in it you have to manage your emotions and you know these situations from past experiences it could be dealing with a difficult person having a something that your partner says to you whatever it is but in order to respond effectively you have to manage your emotions given the fact you're going to be in this situation how do you want to talk to yourself you have to make believe you have a little U on your shoulder what do you want that little you to be whispering into your ear example again when I was external it was a time where I was travelling maybe three four different cities in a week you know for years and years in years and just speaking so I would you know get into a room and nine o'clock and then my wife would call and she would start you know telling me things the kids aren't listening to me and so on I could be 2,000 miles away I'm trying to watch a football game here what do you it what do you what am I gonna do and so on and it would turn into arguments that I got smart I take a buy buy a card and I would write down instructional self statements and I'd keep an ear the phone so now she's calling and going on and so on instead of getting angry I'm looking at my cards listen to what she's saying do not interrupt it will be over soon very very effective you know what you're doing you're using your thoughts to help you regulate your physiological arousal now when I say write down those statements you that's only the first half this is what people don't do most people do not want to write down savings oh that's interesting I'll remember to talk to myself productively you won't because trust me on this point how you talk to yourself is habitual you get what I like to call hardening of the corollaries you think about the same thing the same way every single day think of the arguments you have with your partner have you noticed it's like if you have a script and the crazy thing is you know the script doesn't work and is they're walking out of the room you are chasing them with that damn script saying turning the pages saying the same thing over and over and over that does not go away unless you become an active force in shaping your own destiny so you have to write those statements down and you have to put it in a high-visibility place you have to remind yourself that you have alternative ways to talk to yourself in the heat of the moment but if you don't write it down those old statements will come back Third Point be aware of your intentions you know I don't care anymore when people say well my intentions were really good you know it's like the road to hell is paved with good intentions tensions are what you want to be doing and it matches up with this fourth point observe your actions because you have to do them together now if I were to say to you what is your number one intention this is how I would if I was your manager I would say what is your number one intention when you come to work and generically you're all going to say to do a good job if you are financial advisors you would all say to make money that's what you would say now my next question would be okay if your intention is to do good work or good job I want to know three behaviors that you can do that will translate into a good job and quite frankly I don't want to see you doing anything else why would you do anything else if you're if you want if your intention is to do a good job these are the behaviors that you need to be doing so I might say I don't want to see you schmoozing with that person by the water fountain unless you're telling me that he or she is motivating you so you can go out and make money I would come home from work and there's my son in from the TV Danny what's your intention of school get good grades I'm a little confused I don't understand how watching three hours of TV helps you get good grades he pauses for a second says yeah you're right I'd rather watch TV well but now his behavior makes sense anytime there is an incongruence between your intentions and your behavior you feel uncomfortable this is why you're at a meeting you're wandering because you don't really want to be there you'd really rather be somewhere else why do you think people feel great when they get out of a mad bad marriage they're doing what they want to be doing why do you think people feel great when they get out of a job they can't stand because now they're doing what they want to be doing so you have to make this combination work for you and that means every night every night you need to say one of my intentions for tomorrow if these are my intentions what is the behavior that I need to be doing and to match those up because you see and this is how you deal with a lot of difficult situations well you say that you want to get along with your colleagues but your behavior says otherwise what is going on so always show discrepancies with the strategic goal of making them congruent number five should be mandatory for everybody in this organization for everyone learn to relax so you've got to go on a vacation it's easy to relax but the point here is can you relax in the heat of the moment so when you have all these people during a disaster calling it's really important for the person to be able to be relaxed first of all if he or she loses their composure it makes the situation worse plus you're thinking when you are not relaxed is greatly impeded your judgment is though if your decision-making is off everybody sees your fist as tight as you can there's no reason to fake it this is for you really tight now that is tensioned tension is the first stage value arousal the temple when you're tense little things become big things I have a little miniature dachshund now when I've had a tense day in the dog box I want to kill it the dog box on a Saturday when I'm physically relaxed it is no big deal you have to learn how to relax and this is the only thing that you can't do immediately you know what you can use any relaxation exercise you want but the four key parameters are quiet environment so where are you going to practice relaxation might not be your home might not be quiet I don't read I didn't read novels at home my kids were young I had to wait for an airplane or in a hotel room because I needed two hours of silence to get into a to get into a novel so where is a quiet environment - you have to be in a physically comfortable position because if you're not physically comfortable tension builds up three you have to have a key phrase an associated word an image - be calm there's nothing magical about be calm but what I'm really getting upset all I need to do is they become like Pavlovian conditioning and it relaxes me if you're hungry and I say golden arches you know we're talking about McDonald's an immediate association if you're watching a sporting event or you see any type of clothes with the switch side you know it is Nike probably the greatest advertising success in the last 50 years you know what they don't even use their name anymore it's the same thing with relaxation a key word you got to practice deep breathing saying your key word then in a moment of emotion you have a response and the fourth is have a passive attitude don't try to relax you know what happens then you can't it's like insomnia if you can't pull a sleep at night what's the best thing to do the worst thing to do is try to go to sleep best thing to do is read a book because you stay up you get educated you get bored you fall asleep and the beauty of that recommendation is I've written eight books that will do the job for you now any relaxation that you want but again the one that I recommend get it right off the Internet progressive relaxation progressively going through the different muscle groups in your body tightening the muscle then relax it do it tighten your curl your toes as tight as you can again this is for you not for me really feel feel the tension oh gradually let it go and that's relaxation now do one more time curl your toes and tighten your calf muscle really tight your blood pressures going up now very slowly let it go and that is the difference now the bad news is takes ten to fourteen days to develop a relaxation exercise 15 minutes every night I just lost 90% of you because that's what you don't want to do that's like going to the gym first time I remember I went to a gym there's a Wharton they had exercise room I said you know when I got to start exercising get on the treadmill after a minute I said this isn't doing anything and I got off that's like relaxation if you do it for five minutes it's not doing anything but if you do it every single night for two weeks you will have something that nobody will ever be able to take away from you and if you're smart you'll do it with your partner it's in your best interest to have a partner in kids that can be relaxed in the heat of the moment because it makes your job easier humor and there was a lot of humor and fun I love seeing that first little show of hands how many of you have a good sense of humor yeah because the people next to you is saying what the hell do of your hand up for haven't seen it first of all it's not the humor that is important it is the laughing that is important take this seriously if you don't have 10 to 14 lasts a day I must diagnose you as an under left individual chronic distress always walking around to chip on your shoulder I don't care how ridiculous the sound this is one of the ways you create enthusiasm that all of your your team should be starting off I don't care how ridiculous it sounds with a humor joke session in the morning the only reason it sounds weird is you're used to spontaneous humor you know like when you see the comedians who have ad-libbed everything practice their ad-libs how spontaneous they are like when you watch a TV show and how they've rehearsed it but they create the illusion that it is spontaneous so when this is one of the hottest things out in Silicon Valley not Silicon Valley which is Beverly Hills but the other place where managers will go around it's your turn to tell a joke tomorrow and people will love it so when you go home today ask your kids what happened to school that was funny today somebody tell a joke at the dinner table the more you laugh it creates endorphins hormones and enzymes they become like painkillers two very important ones that I want to skip down to is number eight power of positive criticism now I have found that in most all organizations that this is one of this is the most important communication skill I see a lot of business school curriculums and corporate executive programs and they'll have things like negotiation criticism is ten times more important not even in the same league as negotiation this is a really crucial skill and most people confuse criticism it becomes because of a negative connotation they use the word feedback come into my office eyes and feedback for you now how does that mean and criticism I will tell you is evaluative information you don't like to be evaluated you have to Henry James in a book called the art of criticism said it beautifully that when you criticize somebody make sure that your criticism is worthy of the recipient to serve them you think of criticism as being critical being told they did something wrong so that's why you've become uncomfortable or anxious as in when you have to criticize your boss many executives around themselves with professional yes men this is what you want to hear boss this is exactly what we will tell you there's a whole bunch of huge amount of literature of how many executives they don't get critical information how do they develop themselves because they're always surrounded everybody's always afraid to tell him or her what is really going going on so if I had to give you one tip for giving criticism it would be anytime you criticize somebody think strategically which means how can I communicate this information so the person is going to be receptive to it how can I communicate to my boss the way your he or she is delegating is having a negative effect on morale and get him or her to be receptive to it how could I communicate to my staff that they really need to turn in their work on time and get them to be receptive to it how can I communicate to my son and daughter that they want to do better in school they have to spend more time doing their homework and get them to be receptive to it and I would say one point for taking criticism and to write this down on the card so you're constantly giving yourself that reminder information that can help me grow anytime somebody criticizes me like my editor I'm thinking she's telling me how to write a better manuscript the difference between you and me is when you criticize somebody you get anxious when I criticize somebody I expect them to thank me because my attitude is I am teaching appropriate skills and knowledge developing them one more point be a good problem solver because this is crucial for dealing with frustration now many of you said you were frustrated and it's like dealing is like dealing with a difficult person how many of you deal with difficult people everybody raises their hand how many of you come home from work say to your partner or call up a friend you know I can't work with these any these people in anymore because I'm a real jerk see it's always the other person the attribution of blame is always the other person difficult patient and effective therapist well I must be an ineffective therapist because I was taught that the effective therapist knows how to deal with the difficult patient so for the next three months I want you to see prowl a problem as your ineffective how good are you at recognizing when you're ineffective the faster you recognize you in effect of the you can do something about it most of you say to a person you're getting defensive which makes them more defensive instead of saying you're getting defensive I want you to step back what am i doing that is making them defensive what are my other options of how I can respond the real problem isn't the real problem is that's your key sense the real problem isn't that my staff isn't motivated the real problem is how I try to motivate my staff the real problem isn't that we don't have enough time the real problem is how we manage our time the real problem isn't that we're asked to do more with less every company is the real problem is how we respond in those situations more often than not the real problem is how you are responding to the situation the old college adage if at first you don't succeed try try again is really stupid sometimes you have to see the handwriting on the wall step back and respond differently and that should be empowering because you're not changing the external environment but what you can change is how you respond to it now as you go through this you will see some and you can all get this electronically some strategies for managing anger anxiety dejection fear enthusiasm and then the blueprint and the blueprint tells you exactly what to do - and then I'll end to more important concepts time lock and focal lock especially in your business we have to concentrate a lot this will make everybody more productive time lock means that you block off a period of your day 15 minutes to an hour where you're unavailable unless it's an emergency but you must tell people what emergency is when I used to do this at home I said in my family or I'm going in my office I worked out in my home but I'm unavailable for the next hour unless it's an emergency and what emergency means you have to be on the way to the hospital because if I didn't say that the phone would ring 10 minutes later from my wife and she'd say I forgot to give Dylan the dog water please give the dog water now what I want and realized that's not an emergency to me she didn't realize that when she would go away for two or three days the dog was on survival training for what if I remembered I give it water if I remember I will feed it you know what if I did not feed that dog for two days would she get back the dog was still alive so that was not an emergency the dog was a survivor so time lock is blocking off the time Foucault's lock is what are you going to do at that time so I would just write bills 15 minutes later I've written out 30 bills if I try to piecemeal that it'll take me hours and hours and days and late fees so whenever you have a certain amount of things that you have to get done time lock not available focal lock here is the only thing I'm going to do that means I can't answer my emails I want to answer them every time I want to see the text messages if I hear a good message I want to pick up the phone I can because that gets me off on a tangent now taken together all those tips bring to light those five key attributes and my final message is this how long did it take you to become great at what you are doing I know it's one three months you have used a lot of rigor a lot of energy to develop your technical expertise but I want to be honest with you with other companies their actuaries their finance people they're the same that's not your differentiy edge I used to tell my Wharton MBAs what's your edge when you go for an interview so I Wharton I said well if you think Wharton is your edge you better really hope that the guy in front of you isn't from Harvard and the guy in back of you is in from Stanford because that's the edge not this school and and this is what I'm saying is that the technical edge balances out that's just that's a given that you're great at what you do now as the world becomes more complex more volatile more disasters now you never even know I had a friend in Milford Connecticut and she's been through three of these and she has said she's not living on the water anymore this is having major impacts on on people and this is where the concept of relating to other people an untapped edge using your emotion to work for you especially confidence optimism tenacity and enthusiasm those are really the skills to develop and if you use the same rigor to develop your emotional intelligence that you did to develop your technical expertise by using that blueprint I will say we met six months from now everybody in this room would be experiencing success at a much broader level so thank you for having me if there's any questions feel free to approach them okay thank you thank you

Channel: Samantha Reisman

Views: 364,565

Rating: 4.7852468 out of 5

Keywords: Intelligence (Quotation Subject), Emotion (Quotation Subject), Emotional Intelligence, Artificial Intelligence (Industry), Psychology, Pressure

Id: FfHF23q3uhw

Length: 60min 20sec (3620 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 21 2015