♪ (classical ballad) ♪ (faint PA voice) - (nurse) You're gonna
be okay. Hang in there. What happened here? - (wife) He slipped on
all these banana peels and fell down the stairs.
- (nurse) Banana peels? - (wife) Okay! I did it! I'm guilty! I'm just really bad at breakups, okay, and I didn't want to hurt him. - (nurse) Then why did you
make him fall down the stairs? - (wife) That means that I didn't
want to hurt him emotionally. - (nurse) Okay, get him
into room 2. Doctor. - (doctor) Nurse, what's
the status on our patient? - (nurse) We've got multiple lacerations. We got a concussion,
a broken arm, an internal bleeding. - (doctor) Cause? - (wife) Slipped on banana peels and fell down three flights of stairs. - (doctor) Ugh, sounds like
a pretty random accident, if you ask me. - (wife) Oh! Okay, you got me! I did it! I mean, I don't love him anymore, but I'm just really bad at breakups.
- (doctor) That's-- - (nurse) The craziest thing
you've ever heard? - (doctor) No, I was going to say it's one of the sweetest
damn things I've ever heard. It's like she didn't want to hurt him...
- (both) Emotionally. (doctor gasps)
- (wife) Aw. - (nurse) Wait, you're "aw"-ing
for an attempted murder? (doctor sighs)
- (wife) This isn't an attempted murder. - (doctor) Clearly. - (wife) I just threw
a bunch of banana peels at the top-floor staircase
of our three-story apartment. - (doctor) Right.
- (wife) And rigged a trip line. I'm not responsible
for what happened after. - (doctor) Of course not. - (nurse) Uh, then how come
toxicology came back with a lethal dose of poison?
- (doctor) Poison? - (wife) Oh right. That was also me. I poisoned all of our booze.
He drinks a lot. - (doctor) Oh, it's a shame.
- (nurse) He's foaming at the mouth! - (doctor) That's gross.
- (nurse) He's crashing! He's crashing! - (doctor) All right,
everyone, stand back. I'm gonna zap this bastard. Three, two, one! (sounds fade) ♪ (ethereal music) ♪ (EKG beeps) - (doctor) Right, exactly. I think
you could send him home today. - (nurse) Discharge him. - (doctor) Jesus! God!
That is so much blood! - (nurse) We've got a bleeder! - (doctor) What's causing
all this bleeding? - (nurse) Uh, maybe it's
these knitting needles? - (doctor) That's a sound diagnosis.
- (wife) Are you sure? 'Cause maybe someone
put them there to plug a hole. - (nurse) Maybe someone?
- (doctor) True. Yeah. - (wife) Ugh, god, okay,
you caught me for a third time. I just-- it looked like
he was gonna wake up... - (doctor) Right.
- (wife) ...and start talking. So I stabbed him with my knitting needles, 'cause I'm just really bad...
- (nurse) Bad at breakups. We know. Doctor, can we get this woman out of here? - (doctor) Yeah, I'll send her
out of here A.S.A.P.... - (nurse) Thank god.
- (doctor) ...just as soon as I am done telling this beautiful woman
how much I love knitting. I thought I was the only one. (chuckles)
- (wife) You knit too? - (doctor) Well, my mother
taught me how when I was very young. And heck, I still love doing it. - (nurse) If you two "aw"
right now, I swear to God. - (doctor) Hey, if you're not
doing anything after this, do you maybe want to,
I don't know, go knitting sometime? - (wife) I would love that.
- (doctor) I would too. - (wife) And I am about to be single. (laughing)
- (doctor) Ho-ho-ho-ho! (chuckles) - (nurse) Doctor,
you're gonna go on a date with a woman who's a murderer
and who's still married? - (doctor) The only thing
this woman has murdered... is my heart.
- (wife) That is so sweet. - (doctor) Well, it's the truth. (blood squirting)
- (nurse) Doctor, the patient! - (doctor) Yeah,
I can see that. Thank you. ♪ (ethereal music) ♪ (EKG beeping) (faint smooching) - (nurse) Doctor, I don't think
you should be making out with this patient's wife right now. - (doctor) Nonsense, nurse.
We're in love, okay? - (wife) Honey? Oh good, you're awake. I'm gonna need you to sign
these consent forms. - (doctor) Very quick,
all right? There we go. - (wife) This is so good. - (doctor) You're doing such a good job.
Your hands are so soft. - (wife) So are yours. - (nurse) I don't want
to interrupt this romantic date with this man's wife. But, uh, the patient has a few broken ribs that need your attention.
- (doctor) Oh really? - (wife) Oh, right. That was me also. I might have hit him
a few times with this bat. - (doctor) Oh, that'll do it. - (wife) Is he still alive?
- (doctor) No. - (wife) This is so difficult. - (both) Breakups are so hard.
(doctor gasps) - (nurse) No, they're not! Okay?
You just need to be honest. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. - (wife) Right. It's like
ripping off a Band-Aid. - (nurse) That's not a Band-Aid!
- (doctor) Whoa. - (nurse) Okay, we're gonna need
another transfusion in here! - (doctor) Let me just put that
back in right here. (alarm tones fading) ♪ (ethereal music) ♪ (couple giggling) - (wife) Okay. You'll never
guess who got married. - (both) We did!
(doctor chuckling) - (nurse) Okay, but you
already have a husband. And he's surprisingly hanging in there.
- (wife) Nope. The consent forms I had him sign
consented to our divorce. You know, they say
divorce is really difficult. But it's really not that hard. - (doctor) Well, it's been a crazy night. I'm just lucky enough
to have had you in my life for one whole hour.
- (nurse) This happened way too fast. - (doctor) It's never too fast
when you're in love, Dawn. Mm.
- (wife) That's right, my love. Now we celebrate.
- (doctor) Mm. I've never felt more alive, my dear.
- (wife) Me either. - (doctor) Mm. Mm.
(faint PA voice) - (wife) Do you taste metal on this end? - (doctor) I sure do. (glass shatters, clattering) - (nurse) Oh right. The poison. Mmph. Time for your pills. ♪ (dramatic chord) ♪ ♪ (classical ballad) ♪
