Eddie Izzard - All You Need To Know About King Charles The First

[Applause] that's pretty good that's all I do that's my entire set this evening is making you make noises but it's very difficult to start a gala this is a United Nations gala where people across the world are coming on the stage they're going to spell their blood and guts for you tonight uh which will be not pretty but it's difficult to know where to start uh Human Sacrifice let's start there e yes yes Human Sacrifice cuz you know we used to do it we used to do it ladies and gentlemen across the world it's dropped off a lot since the 50s but we used to do we used to sacrifice people for Gods ladies and gentlemen that's what we did at least we didn't sacrifice people for other people we weren't that bad that was just called killing Charles I first there you go it's a punch line there ladies and gentlemen from 1649 very rarely heard in standup comedy thank you very much Charles I was claimed the Kings of England Scotland Wales and Ireland he was a [ __ ] King ladies and gentlemen he he caused two Civil Wars to happen not one but two English Civil Wars we cut his head off he said said he was appointed by God that was the thing he said he was appointed by God we cut his head off nothing happened so apparently not apparently he was not appointed by God if he had been appointed by God his execution would have sounded like this boinging hang [Music] on for boing for boing think he's appointed by God lads but actually his execution sounded like [Music] this according to BBC sound effects now I'm making light of an execution but this was a [ __ ] King ladies and gentlemen he caused so many people to die and he was not appointed by God the only way he was appointed by God was if on the day of his execution God was going uh so that's all from me love and kisses God delete delete delete God send damn what's password Jesus what's the password Jesus sorry Dad had a rough night last night the bloody password that's all you need to remember I can't my God Charles the first is getting nutted today hang on don't get oh God where are we on the globe um where's England oh it's like an app population of Nigeria interesting okay England don't kill Charlie W don't don't don't kill Charlie W this is God this is the voice of the mistons don't kill Charlie one it's ch Charlie you look great you bastard Sorry Charlie I was trying to get the did another the Wi-Fi passw you do look good you look like an astronaut that's what you look like this was it ladies and gentlemen so he said he was appointed by God 1649 whereas the Magna cataa a very important thing was signed in 12:15 that's almost lunchtime isn't it that's when bad King John of England was forced by the Barons to sign this thing handing over some of his power you're all right dear Barons of England I'm sorry I missed your birthdays and you promised to hand over some of your power and I promise to hand over some of my power and you'll always play the B guy in the Robin Hood movies and bloody hell who's going to play good guy Sean Conor Play Good Guy Sean connory was Richard the lionard and was born in Oxford the David Beckham of Kings you might say a huge statue of him outside the houses of Parliament there most as English as English pie and he spoke French actually he he spoke very little English he was born in Oxford but interviews would have been Richard the first Richard linhard how are youday I is very good hello what you're King of England I am oh yes I am the king of England and do you like England I like it very much you're crazy people you have all this stuff I was born there you know it's crazy I don't know why but um and where where in England do you live uh France I live in France down there you know the weather the wine is so much better and it's interesting because we had 300 years of English-speaking Kings from 1066 300 years on they were all speaking French so the language of the Kings was French the language of the Bishops was French the language of the administration was French the under language was Anglo-Saxon English which was sort of the fetcher and carrier language going do you want another sausage another sausy Ultra sausy son okay another sausage for the French Guy come on we shouldn't have lost that ball of Hastings that was really bad so meanwhile in these 300 years English just did what it wanted to it was a slang language and that's where we lost the masculine and feminine we got rid of masculine and feminine in these 300 years someone just said at some point see that spoon yeah let's just call it a [Applause] spoon okay Jeff but is it a masculine or a feminine spoon it's a bloody spoon Steve but what if the spoon owns a dog would that be the dog of the spoon would it be genitive if it went on holiday would that be two would it be going to the Bahamas it's just a spoon Steve and we'll use words around the spoon to tell what direction it's going and who it's friends with that's what happened that is actually what happened so I don't know how we did it but it was fantastic but anyway human sacrifice as I was talking about which is the theme of tonight's United Nations show not really um what right- Winger said the crops have failed the gods ha us let's kill Steve where did that come from and it was always virgins wasn't it always killing virgins and I'm going to make an assumption here that we're all pretty similar we all have a certain amount of Education or we're self-taught we're autodidactic meaning we can breathe underwater so if we were in a tribe and we were all virgins and they were sacrificing virgins we'd do something about it wouldn't we we would have sex with each other that's what we do it was always the priests that were killing virgins dragging up these two are virgins we can sacrifice them right now stop that stop it damn well they were virgins right up to this all right get a tent thank you there's 100 people outside they're all virgins so we can sacrifice stop that stop it damn I should have made them stand in a circle

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 1,205,187

Keywords: Just for Laughs, JFL, Stand-up, Stand up, Comedy, Comedian, Montreal, comedians, stand up comedian, just for laugh, Eddie Izzard, English, England, English Comedian, Powers, izzard, eddie, eddie izzard, eddie izzard youtube, youtube eddie izzard, eddie izzard stand up, eddie izzard standup, eddie izzard comedian, eddie izzard comedy, eddie izzard full, standup eddie izzard, eddie izzard just for laughs, eddie izzard JFL, Eddie Izzard All You Need To Know About King Charles The First

Id: 2_F2OHPK7pg

Length: 7min 35sec (455 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 02 2016