E3 2017: The Show About Nothing

look we know what's up the only thing emptier than the promises made at e3 are the skulls of the executives that generated them we're the game libraries of the consoles they're promoting which is why I'm still reeling an abject over they despite this premise being implicitly accepted by virtually every viewer present and thus with a bar for quality that's lower than Rose n bars titties play in subterranean tetherball with Monday night Raw's ratings III 2017 will still go down as one of the most lackadaisical non-committal tread water pig banks in the history of hype dumb what up guys thank you for having me eh guys all know who I am my name is jesse wellens and i am a YouTube creator so I am here to talk about Need for Speed try getting it at ABAC try getting it up if you guys didn't know DC Tabak i mean i don't know how to put this on television but you don't even know what you're talking about try getting it up if III was a punch song the Bethesda conference was the clumsy drumstick countdown culminating in the bassist tripping on a pair of preteen panties and doing a face plan to keep a hypodermic Heineken bottles and groupie goo and like the aforementioned it set the tone for the shitty Ramones cover band we were about to cringe our way the [ __ ] through hey gang did you know eSports or a thing of course you didn't you're not Korean or 12 I mean what the [ __ ] did Evo draw last year 5,000 people that's like half the last priests show I went to I don't see a slap in Skyrim logos on how fours assless chaps oh but Korea loves it yes Koreans are into eyeball surgery too toddy boy maybe get your wall like mr. Magoo mugs surgically non-return fide while you're at it no wonder your recent games are so [ __ ] lobotomized trying to go through life in a 16:9 aspect ratio I'd widen my audience just so I can [ __ ] see them two and a half s pounding hours and the big takeaway from the Bethesda conference is a sequel to a Wolfenstein title that was just okay ah but nothing set the tone more profoundly than Bethesda pimping out VR like the only clean [ __ ] in Saigon Skyrim VR full app for the are vr troopers are if they could physically append to be our suffix to the end of any given game title you [ __ ] best believe they [ __ ] did it Bethesda Microsoft Sony if you'll pardon my brief call back to my one-half Germanic ethnic roots we are [ __ ] sick of [ __ ] VR from that point on consider the die cast my friends Microsoft gave a better showing the previous years perhaps debatably winning the day by default the Xbox one acts apart from something like an edgy ninth-graders AOL chat room handle looks like a ham beast and a half but good luck finding a game disc to slide into the [ __ ] thing anthem is like destiny only named after a kick-ass Japanese metal band instead of a stripper and what does it say about modern gaming when the biggest buzz of the show was generated by a pixel art indie title with a cyberpunk slant oh that's right it means Zoe Quinn open to her sorbus speckled Yap and her ass one of the producers for daring to be cursorily involved in gamergate damn you can very wise opinion after they had a create a character for Mass Effect Andromeda explained the precise next-gen juggernaut we'd all been waiting for 4k [ __ ] minecraft Julie soft took the stage next and seemed to confuse polygon counts with preach affiant in a multi-ethnic multicultural human society in a distant solar system it is a time when corporations create hybrids in their lives and enslave them to colonize the stars we're to decide to float bad finality biscuit fare the Ubisoft boardroom hey wait a soul up the place Daria see that final stage shot you'd see fewer white guys in a Mormon shuffleboard tournament and in a world teeming with conflict and religious and ethnic discord I just like to thank you we saw for crafting a regular digital time capsule for our troubled world by setting the next Far Cry game in white trash topia I mean there's 13 major conflicts raging all over the world and I'll give you one [ __ ] guess what extremists religion is involved in every single one but let's pick the player against the glorified goddamn VIPRE militia if you don't remember those guys right of course goddamn donut was 1990 [ __ ] 6c that was an arizona-based militia group that Clinton classified is a domestic terrorist organization in the 90s whose anti-government rhetoric and mind-blowing arsenal of 77 assault rifles and a reputed bomb lab somehow magically shrank to four guns and a bag of [ __ ] fertilizer by the time Janet Reno stops slurp and slash long enough to raid the [ __ ] compound truly a sociopathic Specter eminently worthy of being immortalized in video game form virtual reality is now a real consumer product and our consoles are more powerful than ever offering 4k and HDR option and now in 2017 that continues to be all about the game and at end here's a bunch of not games Sony's presentation this year is what happened when instead of running your failing company like a [ __ ] adult you play to win III every year by announcing title after titty-fucking title then suddenly wake up one morning to the grim realization that all [ __ ] we actually have to make some of this [ __ ] down way and if you doubt for even a [ __ ] moment that Sony have been capitalizing on cash grabs and short term awards to the expensive long-term viability I would call your attention to how [ __ ] hard they are banking on VR say what you will about Microsoft they hardly mention the goddamn thing meanwhile if there was a game title this year that lacked a V or R in the title you can bet Sony fixed the [ __ ] out of that right quick when you really ponder it for a beat the venality of VR really redefines tone-deaf I mean one more apropos innovation in our highly mobile NASA supercomputer and your smartphone right in your pocket society than a six pound $700 single-player Cyclops Visor you can only ever use on your goddamn couch what this year's Sony conference lacked in the unmitigated cringe factor of their 2006 showing they more than made up for an unbridled but [ __ ] awfulness if you were wondering where the patented Sony self-righteousness and ego has been for the last couple years yesterday was your answer and then Nintendo took the stage and with one title screen took the whole pity [ __ ] show [ __ ] these Asiatic ass hats get a waddle the [ __ ] on stage out of the words Metro prime for a new Pokemon and won the day by goddamn default but it's nice to know they had some breath of the wild dlc in a new 3d mario title to show off as well hey and I noticed that fastest-selling console distinction IGN had been whoring the [ __ ] out for the ps4 just magically flooded the [ __ ] away from the headlines once sales of a Nintendo console resoundingly [ __ ] outpaced Sony funny how that works Nintendo's event itself was emblematic why the house that an Italian plumber crack built is poised to retake its sales lead over the coming year where the competition trafficked in pure I'll pump little-to-no software and synchronized [ __ ] booty shakin in all a 15 micro minutes these Mongol [ __ ] sashayed across the stage said you'll hear the game's piece and as quickly as they appeared they tuxedo mask the [ __ ] out of there as for whether they won the day I mean that's debatable Micro Chef showed more actual software though the big end scores yet another TKO in the area of exclusives so there you have it folks III 2017 Bethesda bit the big one Ubisoft swallow the salami Microsoft was Microsoft which believe me at this point is bad a [ __ ] enough Nintendo had more title screens than games and all Sony was missing for the trifecta with a single utterance of the word Ridge Racer without question one of the weakest III s in my lifetime made all the worse by the fact that I mean thanks to ps4 pro and Xbox one SX the YMCA e^x + alpha we know we're at least two years removed from the next proper console generation so this show wasn't even bad merely because they're massively but [ __ ] busy wedging a Hal 9000 into a plastic shell casing for the PS [ __ ] 5 no excuses no politics no no economic exigencies or logistical gov [ __ ] to blame for this feckless showing III 2017 was just a good old down-home steaming plate of ass if you haven't yet made the jump from console to PC grab a bib and dig the [ __ ] fault some razörfist god [ __ ] speed laughing : so what have you two come up with well we thought about this in a variety of ways but the basic idea is either go ahead I think I can sum up the show for you with one word nothing nothing nah what does that mean the show is about nothing but it's not a good no no it's about nothing well maybe it's the lots of it but even nothing yourself why am i watching it because it's on TV it's not yet

Channel: undefined

Views: 102,197

Rating: 4.8943896 out of 5

Keywords: E3, Electronic entertainment Expo, Nintento Switch, Playstation 4, XBox One X, The Rageaholic, RazörFist, Nintendo, Metroid Prime 4

Id: zXABgIF-Wjg

Length: 9min 43sec (583 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 14 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/randy-lahey-]

Ugh, fuck off. I like the setting, at least it's kinda fresh.

[u/TheFuckingGod]

Stop liking the Far Cry series after Three. Seems to me that the gameplay is still the same, and the mechanics remained unchanged, there is nothing new and creative about it. It's the same mark and kill shit that takes away immersion and difficulty, the enemy has no FOV. Don't care for the story either.

[u/IDontHaveLettuce]

Anti-SJWs have been losing steam on YouTube lately.

[u/Scramblade]

The thing is that he's taking it as social commentary. It's not. It's a game.

[u/[deleted]]

Videogames don't need to be a chess piece in the culture war. Videogames are for fun. Grow up people. It's always so pitiful to see adults bitching about this inconsequential garbage.

[u/Slizzard_73]

Of course he is, he's an alt right fuckhead who bandwagons his fandbase's desires. Who is surprised by this.

[u/LatvianLion]

Um. ''Mongol motherfuckers'', ''Asiatic'' etc. Em, this guy seems very obsessed with race.

[u/lightsout85]

The Fish has long since grown tiring.

[u/TheGreatGod42]

I don't get it. What is his point? I agree that E3 sucked tho.