Draw My Life - PushingUpRoses

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hi everyone my name is Sarah but on the internet I am known as pushing up roses and this is my draw my life video I was born in Chicago Illinois on tax day and trust me nobody lets me forget that because every time someone asks me when my birthday is and I respond they go oh my god tax day Wow my mom battled breast cancer for a long time before I was born and my parents thought they wouldn't be able to have me but alas Here I am my parents were a bit older when they had me and my dad loved music so I grew up listening to a lot of 60s 70s and 80s I used to spend a lot of time with my dad recording cassette tapes of songs that we used to play on the radio and we would watch episodes of the Monkees and I like singing and drawing and even as a kid I kind of liked being alone a lot so I could do creative things I've always been a little bit of an introspective person even in childhood which I'm sure you'll figure out as soon as you listen to this entire video humor was also a really important thing to me even at a young age I came from a sarcastic snarky family and always felt really good whenever I can make my cousins or my friends laugh for the record if you want to get specific my favorite types of humor are dark and zany humor although the joke in the picture is neither dark nor zany it's just really bad I grew up suffering with childhood obesity I wasn't very active in my diet wasn't really great so I had a weight problem throughout my childhood and into my teens around 2nd grade is the earliest I can remember feeling a sense of sadness I was really quiet I'd never talked to anybody but I was really smart and my teachers always liked me by the time I had fifth grade I was obese and became insanely aware of my appearance I would not let people take pictures of me because I despised what I saw and I wouldn't go out or make friends a lot of my time was spent drawing writing or playing computer games sometimes I'd be so stressed out during class I'd excuse myself and lock myself in the bathroom and stay there for hours until I got sent home and nobody could figure out what was wrong because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I do remember things getting slightly better in sixth grade because I had this awesome teacher who encouraged my writing and seemed to understand that I needed some way to express myself he bought me a book of poetry and urged me to read and write so I did and I still appreciate him to this day at the risk of sounding like a crazy stalker I actually once attempted to track him down on Facebook and anyone who says they've never tried to do that is a fucking liar my dad would also try to keep my brooding mind busy by playing chess with me for hours at a time watching Stephen King movies with me which my mom hated because she thought it would scare me but I am my father's daughter as it turned out I followed in his footsteps of liking dark humor and morose media I remember we stayed up late watching The Shining once and my mom got so pissed off and the one time she had a right because it secretly scared the piss out of me damn those shining twins my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer while I was in junior high and though it actually did look pretty hopeful at first he had his lung taken out and we thought all the cancer was removed we later found out it had spread to the brain and it was terminal my dad was drafted to Vietnam when he was younger and it was later revealed that he was affected by Agent Orange poisoning it all happened really quickly and my mental well-being was shot from having seen my father my best friend gets sick and hear him every morning throwing up from chemotherapy I was forced into counseling after I had written scary sounding things on my homework namely I was admitting that I thought about death and dying very frequently and eventually I was sent to a therapist outside of school but I was not diagnosed with anything at that time because I lied to the therapist about how I was feeling so I didn't have to go back early one morning at around 3 a.m. I heard my dogs crying at my dad's bedroom so I got up and went in he'd been in a coma all day but when I saw him he had turned blue from choking in his sleep and my mom was running all over the house in a panic while my sister sat next to the bed telling him it would be okay I felt wrecked I watched my dad die within minutes I remember thinking it was the worst night of my life just saying all this out loud even just fills me with emotion and it's tough even now just seeing the words I'm reciting into the mic on the script here is painful and it's hard to listen to myself things got really bad after the death of my father my self-image problems shot through the roof because I was stress eating all the time just trying to deal with a major loss and the weight piled on very quickly I hated high school and I found myself ditching a lot of days to the point where my teachers were really getting angry at me insisting that I shape up and get my homework done despite knowing that I had just lost my dad and looking at it from Who I am now those teachers were fucking terrible and I really wish they would have been more encouraging to comfort myself I spent a lot of time on computers I've always had one since I was a little girl and I became very savvy with them over time the first computer game ever played was King's Quest three when I was really young on my aunt's Tandy 1000 and after that I'd always had a computer with a lot of games to keep me occupied I also had a few consoles growing up as well more notably a Sega Genesis and later on and n64 which I both loved to death but I always found myself on the computer more than anything else I remember at one point my family finally decided to get the Internet and we had a o L 3.0 and I fell in love with it I got really into chatroom role-playing and made a lot of online friends that way and I spent most of my time creating characters and writing stories and drawings and looking back at that I realize how unhealthy it probably was at the time but it was the only way I ever felt comforted one day I went to school feeling really really bad and really really hopeless I hated high school so much I hated it more than junior high and I hated it more than elementary school and I felt like everyone was making fun of me and after my dad died I had started wearing really dark heavy makeup and all-black I never talked to anybody and I had gotten up to 250 pounds at that point so I know students would whisper and point at me and I always felt eyes of judgment on me i mouthed off to my math teacher after she yelled at me for not doing my homework and they sent me to the school counselor I mouthed off to him as well and was sent back to the therapist I told her I didn't want to live and they committed me to the psychiatric ward my family was confused and didn't know what to do so they went with whatever the school and doctors wanted they put me on medicine and I wasn't allowed to go back to public school so they sent me to an alternative school instead at that time the meds had an adverse effect on me I was only 15 and sometimes psychiatric medicine can be really tricky in adolescence so my condition actually worsened I would lock myself in the basement and sit in the dark all night one night I looked in the mirror and I decided that was it I was worthless nobody liked me I was fat I was a burden to my family I failed at school and the meds were affecting me terribly and at the time I just wanted to die and I felt like that was the only way out I genuinely felt like people would be better off without me like I was doing the world a favor by extracting myself from it in my mind people being hurt or devastated from losing me was not even there in my mind in my mind I saw people celebrating my death I went upstairs my meds and took every pill in the bottle I went back downstairs got into bed and passed out I don't remember much of what happened next I was told my sister had to give me CPR until the ambulance came that night I don't remember anything except waking up in the hospital my teenage years were very up-and-down after that I had dropped out of high school but actually ended up getting my GED I was put on so many different kinds of medication at least four different ones at one time and I didn't even know what any of them were doing it seemed like one med helped something but then I needed another med to combat the side effects of that and then stimulants and it was brutal I felt like a zombie I met a boy who would be my boyfriend for the next five years who really helped me get back on my feet though I went to a Columbia College Chicago where I studied fiction writing and also spent a couple years studying psychology actually ended up with a degree in information technology much later in my life though I was still obsessed with my weight and I fell for every marketing bullshit diet there was I didn't have anyone knowledgeable enough to help me begin a healthy routine and I never ever expected myself to fall victim to something like bulimia and not ever in a million years I knew how horrible it was I knew it was bad but I was tired of being the fat one in my group of friends I thought the only way I'd ever lose weight and look like those unrealistically stupid photographs and media perfect women which was all I ever wanted for the longest time was to purge my food and I ended up falling victim to bulimia for about ten years with several hospitalizations related to that for a really long time I was pretty much a functioning bulimic the weight was coming off and at the same time I was in college I had a pretty solid relationship I still loved drawing and writing and music and I had some really amazing friends I dropped over a hundred pounds and even though I told myself I would stop once I'd lost the weight I could not stop it became addictive and it seemed the more weight I lost the more unhappy I was the more I wasn't able to get this strange unrealistic vision in my mind of what I should look like and the more out of control I got my brain constantly constantly constantly told me I needed to be sexy I needed to be sexy and pretty because that's what people want that's what people expect the media tells me I'm fat I need makeup my hair needs to be perfect and above all I need to be thin everything else about my face and body was wrong and required some kind of cream or newfangled moneymaker to fix it there's a product out there for everything you know I feel like I've owned them all sometimes I would overeat and throw up in bags in my room or jars and hide them in the closet until I could throw them out later just so people wouldn't follow me to the bathroom or monitor me and I know if you're listening that sounds really gross and massively fucked up and it is and I hated it with more encouragement from my boyfriend I went and talked to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bulimia and body dysmorphic disorder at one point I was losing my hair and my skin had turned yellow from malnourishment and the doctor saw the effect it had on me and put me on a lot of different new medications which also didn't work once again and the medicine seemed to have an adverse effect I ended up overdosing four more times up until my early 20s two of which resulted in having my stomach pumped and all of them resulted in extended time in a mental facility around age 23 and after many forms of treatment and therapy I finally found myself recovering from the effects of bulimia I was single and jobless at the time and although I was doing a lot better I was a little lost for a little while I had apprenticed as a body piercer but I wasn't well enough physically or mentally to really carry that out until the end then I met someone a guy a computer science major who wanted to be a programmer and I was really really inspired by him and he was inspired by me too so we started dating that's when things really started turning around my eating disorder was more under control even though I suffered and still suffer from some of the more long-term effects like fear and paranoia about food I'd gained nearly all the weight back that I had lost their unhealthy means but with the help of my boyfriend I was actually able to get that back in control and I was able to lose it in a healthy way things really turned around hardcore I even got a job as a college teacher aid in the technology department and I did that for about three years I started playing computer games again and I found a community of PC gamers on the internet whom I could talk to about anything I made new friends and started feeling really accomplished I discovered a website called that guy with the glasses calm and I became a fan later I actually ended up joining the site as a contributor it was awesome at the time I loved it I love the community and friends I made there I loved putting out video game content at seeing people's reactions and I especially loved and still love connecting with viewers and talking to them and writing blogs about my life to inspire people and the feedback I would get from that and to this day making people happy and reaching out to people is still my favorite part of being a content creator as much as it was awesome it was tough making videos was and is still today a huge accomplishment for me because I never thought I was thin enough or attractive enough to push through but I did it anyway because I wanted to prove myself that I was worth something and that I could do it despite how I felt about myself I stayed on that guy with the glasses for about two years before I decided I wanted to move on again life was pretty good but something was still a little bit off I was having a hard time holding on to friends and maintaining relationships and I had an extreme desire to either start or end romantic relationships that were not good for me and it was mostly due to still struggling with depression and suicide ideation I remember things getting bad again at one point that I was experiencing delusions and just feeling really unhealthy so I took a little hiatus from the internet to think about things I took up kickboxing at the time and got my eating habits under even more control I spent a lot of time reading and focusing on myself after a few months of that I decided to leave that guy with the glasses and try YouTube it was hard because I already had this popular following on that guy with the glasses and almost no following on YouTube and I knew a lot of producers already some whom were very popular and I felt like they had already way surpassed me and I wasn't sure if I would even gain any viewership turns out I was wrong and even though my channel isn't very big at this point in time I'm so grateful for the amount of people who have taken interest in my content I feel like I found a voice here in the computer game community and not only that but a voice that can encourage people who have had problems eating disorders really bad depression and anxiety and I found a place that I can be myself and talk to people with candor and it's been really amazing I've met awesome friends who really wanted to support me initially it was peanut butter gamer who urged me to try YouTube which led me to make really good friends and colleagues like lazy game reviews ancient dos games Laser frog and other let's players like rusalka Nidoking and her crabbiness who have the same gaming interests as I do and I started hosting my videos on retro where a site that seemed to be much more suited for me than that guy with the glasses was I never thought that someone is fucked up as myself could have an impact on other people and it makes me feel like I'm doing something right there's still a lot of hardship in my life and I feel like I'm never truly normal I have bad days and sometimes I do obsess and think about death and my dad and going back to purging but I feel like I've learned to deal with my feelings in a much more productive way sometimes I express them in a video and sometimes I just wait for those feelings to pass and sometimes I've reached out to other people because I've built up this great support system people who truly care about me even when my depression is powerful no matter what scale you think my hardships are on even if you cannot relate to them personally I know it's important that they are shared for the people that can much of my life has been controlled by mental illness and I want it to have a purpose so I use all of these negative things in my life to create other things that make people happy and ultimately I feel very fulfilled these days and I've been doing the best I've ever been doing it's not perfect because no one's life is perfect and I know this video has been somewhat intense but it truly is my life and it has molded me into what I feel is a strong person with a lot of compassion and drive thank you guys so much for seeing something cool about me that made you want to watch my videos or follow me on Twitter or attend my live streams and for seeing something that maybe I could not see myself I want it thank you but let me be massive again and now I would like to thank every single one of my viewers ahem thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you you'd know who you are thank you thank you thank you thank you why am i doing hanging around I should be on that training gone I should be riding on that train sentence Oh what am i doing hanging around

Info

Channel: PushingUpRoses

Views: 145,432

Rating: 4.9502368 out of 5

Keywords: pushinguproses, pushinguproses review, pushinguproses let's play, DOS, gameplay, walkthrough, game footage, video game review, review, commentary, Draw My Life, Draw My Life PushingUpRoses, pushinguproses mental health, Bulimia Nervosa (Disease Or Medical Condition), PushingUpRoses bulimia

Id: Y_9xEVo954g

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 15min 32sec (932 seconds)

Published: Sat May 23 2015

Reddit Comments

I think it's very cool that she manages to still have such a positive outlook on her video making and all the people she got to connect with through it. (ie focusing on the good connections, not the haters)

👍︎︎ 4 👤︎︎ u/LolaRuns 📅︎︎ May 25 2015 🗫︎ replies

I think she is pretty darn awesome. So many people - I had a "friend" like this, view anyone who has difficulties like this as just wanting attention. You don't. That's the trouble. She and I have a few things in common, and I am glad to see that she has been able to carry on and overcome a lot of things that have been troubling her.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/moonshinesalute 📅︎︎ May 25 2015 🗫︎ replies