Don't hold it until someone is Laugh on Craig Ferguson Late Late Show

and yeah let's say this chlamydia that's good today I went and very recently I was at a bar in Scotland and rural Scott with the restroom and there was a sign up right one of these public announcements signs and in the veranda and it short Tina it was a drawing of teenagers dancing and it you know about to have sex and it said everyone's out and about including chlamydia [Laughter] fuck the man up but we didn't know it's not in a medical dictionary and I named you where's the sister gonorrhea get over here go well I say go a little easier spawns you know you know that's a little much too soon oh wait you can do haggis I guess that's true right this is a vegetarian haggis oh yeah that's a great one they'll just blow your cheeks apart that's a guy call huh comedy I love their hey Bobby go get me the chlamydia kaitlin's did you see Lavinia [Music] chillax and giver do that put two words together then make them in one more chill and relax chillax yeah it's fantastic yeah or you take some of a word off for instance whatever adorbs I can't think of another one be B P P what are you saying Venus so I said alright alright I'm sorry let's go back ba there yeah calm down calm down vamoose that's what you call an Elk's it's a cross between an elk and a vagina oh I thought you meant it was an elk I know Jane I could be that too because I'd like to see a cross of an L kind of vagina [Applause] dear David Letterman dear Dave I don't know if you remember me or if you know who I am but you worked very hard to get us back onto the air and let me be the first to say do you say kid [Applause] excuse me I'm trying to write a letter my boss what the heck do you think you were doing I was having a lovely time Dave I learned to ski I went to some lovely places I wonder if you could arrange to have a two-month strike every year round about Christmas I'd love it I know and I realize that some writers may be upset because they think I'm making fun of the strike but if you are a writer and you can't recognize irony then perhaps you should be in a different profession perhaps a profession which requires you to have no sense of humor and no soul may I suggest Hollywood producer I hope so one day by morning brothers does me maybe does not hope so really why no they just don't think there's an audience for it so I'm just constantly trying to convince them that there is all right well Warner Brothers one day yes they're a benign lovely organization this year that just got picked up really cold it's called House of Lies House of Lies awesome is it like house of pies and Los Feliz but in fact as host of lies it's lies instead of exactly have you ever been to house of pies absolutely it's like time-traveling leather you're absolutely time-traveling like a hundred years ago when you go in there when pies were delicious bingo yeah bingo good as soon as you're sure about people that run a pie shop and lie about it you'd think but no it's about sort of high-powered consulting firms okay that sounds great it's not dirty business you know like dirty business remind you of anyone [Laughter] this is funny do you I do yeah so with there's no pies in it at all there's no pies in it but donkeys don't Cheadle's good but he's no pie though Wow when I first heard he was in and I said I normally make a rule not to work with Jeff let us continue in the style of German craft work late night TV show all right he's motto hunt is looking good I'm the operator of it my pocket calculator France Europe Express we have fun fun fun of that who is our next guest Klaus why my clothes I don't want to be close I'll be close I want to be Herman all right you be her moon right you'll be Klaus who is our next guest Herman I am Klaus any of these that's fine all right we'll be back tomorrow evening Klaus we have famous political activists Gunter Swanson's no I don't think we do have that oh it's just in people's monkey Justin Justin Bieber's monkey you know what they call him in America a monkey this is good we saw denzel's house until Washington all right you're just rich you don't give a rat's ass you know I just got them really yes the Valentino's good right they're brand new that part's a good party don't judge this is expensive shoes they're doing this whole fashion show and with candy ladies and candy in one event yeah I tell you what my eyes twitching a little bit I noticed like are you lying that means you're lying which is what am i I'm lying to myself on my own no it just means you're alive what does it mean when your stroke in the chair yeah are you take it with you you want it's probably bit the same price as half of one of those shoes oh thank god you're here I no really now I can relax I don't know course you don't know that you're at home or in your sex club watching this but variations on yeah now I go back to no I like you know I when people say you know hold you get nervous going on television you can be something chance I get to relax and talk to my friends you're in the sex club yes you are wearing the car battery on your nipples I'm gonna feel and I'm gonna have a hard time with different words tonight throughout the show I may occasionally say sexy words by accident penis who knows I could just invert only boobies without even knowing and I'll be like Oh for heaven's vagina oh okay no D yeah I'm yeah you could refer to me as an itinerant actor and I tear an actor that means you travel from town to town as part of why you're doing this so you're free to me no one's ever done this before now I feel weird but suddenly you have taken all the power from me walking around you I know you're the one with all the power and I look like a damn fool I put it to you Morgan Freeman if that's your real name it is it is I looked born with it no middle initial real what is that on you have us wearing makeup and a gun though my shirt I'm wearing some - oh yeah he were most gorgeous woman I've ever seen the makeup you don't play the thing is sexual harassment you can't tell them they look they're beautiful you just have to go what's up she's married so it doesn't count coming sexual harassment you can't exactly how laughing you didn't know that the muse stated by Morgan Freeman are not necessarily legally correct obviously well I'm not gonna incriminate myself here but I like it I will say something I like a sleep mask a good sleep mask yeah walk out the world I need I need a car battery and some nipple clown [Applause] just kind of like [Music] joke man we're at a time do you fancy a mouth organ awkward pause nap or do you want to go for the big cash well on the heart that's a nice organ yes I'm sorry yeah I have a little bit of trouble with your accent that's alright then if you could play you can win the golden methode I have lip gloss on that's not happening I thought you were gonna play it I think I think we should do compose or big cash prize or now power over people by knowing what they want to know the lute play well then you should talk like a Bond villain and have a cat that I stroked right I can even probably go [Laughter] sacred bed yeah but stroke our Bloods together amazing I want to yes what's happening with your bunny oh my Bunny's got a little sweat chair cause I'll tell you why look at his eyes yeah my bunny doesn't have a switch yeah I know okay well let's just see how season 3 works out and then we'll see maybe we'll get you a switch for the next time that's nice but it's comforting though isn't it it's quite company yes comfort of nice to stroke things yeah no show is this the creepiest late-night show you've ever done I think possibly possibly

Channel: Late Night w/ Craig Ferguson

Views: 297,688

Rating: 4.6999378 out of 5

Keywords: craig ferguson, craig ferguson laughing, don't hold it until, late late show, show, talkshow, comedy, night show, tv show

Id: 0478MdExd2A

Length: 14min 20sec (860 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 06 2019