[webbed fingers lightly tapping on clipboard] Ah, there you are! I've been expecting you. Oh, no no! It's okay!
You didn't keep me waiting for too long. I think it's only been about 3 millenia, yeah, heheh. Oh, by the way, I'm Doctor Dave. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry, did um,
are you a previous patient of mine? I'm sorry, I do apologize if I don't,
didn't recognize you at first. Unless you are a new patient of mine. I have so many patients across so many timelines. It's hard to keep track sometimes.
I hope you'll understand. Oh, I see you happen to have gone on a little trip. Is that right? Yeah? So, uh,
where was it this time? Another one of those secret little meetings in a void? Yeah? Let's see, what did you acquire this time.
Let me guess... Muffins? No? Video game controllers? No, that was last time?
Okay, well don't tell me. Let's just keep it a secret. And then for our next regular treatment session you can tell me all about your little adventure, okay? Alright, great.
Well today, you, my dearest patient.. Yes, it's true!
You, and you alone are my favorite patient.
I know you might hear a lot of other patients say that "Dave told me I'm his favorite patient!" Eh, to a degree, maybe, 62 degrees, that might be correct.
But YOU, my friend.. [touches fishy finger to forehead] you, are my number 1 favorite of all my number 1 favorite patients.
It's true! Why, just the other night I had a dream about you! Although, you wouldn't have liked it that much. You got eaten by a a nameless horror. Too horrific to describe, in English. If I were to describe it in my native tongue, I would say [eldtrich speak] Okay, well, anyway,
my number 1 favorite patient, today, I have a very special treat for you! I call it: Dave's Personality Test. Of course, all the doctor's here at Arkham Sanitairum have their own personality test.
I'm not sure if you've taken any others? Well, the Professor has his own personality test, Corvus, Margaret, Iggy, Kevin,
and Onandon. Doctor Winslow. And, so, we all have our own way
in determining your type of personality. So that we can better experiment on you. Okay? So, what I'm going to do,
let me ask: have you ever taken a personality test? Yeah? Which one? Myer Briggs personality type test?
Oh, yes. Myer Briggs,
two of our favorite patients. I believe uh, Myers was acutally recently
subjected to being impregnated by a xenomorph egg. And Briggs,
I think the last experiment we disassembled her atoms, rearranged them,
and put them back together, heheh. Yeah, so, okay, anyway.. So what I have here, are a series of questions.
Just about 60 questions in total, okay. And these are going to help me to assess and pinpoint exactly what type of personality you are, okay? Now, I'm not going to be able to tell you
your personality type here today. Okay? I'm sorry. I have,
I'm visiting all of my patients I'll be doing this over the next four centuries. I'm gonna be spending the next four centuries
visiting all of my patients, conducting this test. And then I'll return back to this particular timeline to input all of the gathered data into our database. And it will be at that point in time
when I'll finally be able to tell you your personality type. So as long as you don't mind sticking around for about 400 years, then, well, it'll be here before you know it! Okay? Alright. Let's get started then. Just grab my pen.. And all you have to do
is try to answer these questions as honestly as you can, okay? Alright? Very good, okay,
let's get started here. You are almost never late to your treatment sessions.
Yes - No - Uncertain You like to be buried in Margaret's garden.
Yes - No - Uncertain You enjoy having a wide circle of unspeakable horrors,
rather than speakable ones.
Yes - No - Uncertain You feel involved when watching experiments
being performed live on Arkham Sanitarium CCTV.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are usually the last to react to a sudden event:
your brain being switched with another patient,
or waking up in an alternate timeline as another organism.
Yes - No - Uncertain You feel that the world is founded on nothing.
Yes - No - Uncertain You think that everything in the world is simulated.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are certain about the answer to this statement.
Yes - No - Uncertain Strict observance of the established rules at Arkham Sanitarium, such as our 9PM curfew, is likely to prevent attaining a good outcome.
Yes - No - Uncertain It is difficult to get you into a jar.
Yes - No - Uncertain When making a decision you rely more on your indecision than your nondecision.
Yes - No - Uncertain You often think about the sanitarium and its trajectory.
Yes - No - Uncertain You believe the best timeline is one which can easily be changed.
Yes - No - Uncertain You often ponder the root cause of the apocalypse and things.
Yes - No - Uncertain Just a moment,
let me load up the next series of questions. You prefer to act immediately rather than speculate about the implications to other patients.
Yes - No - Uncertain You trust the Professor rather than the Entity.
Yes - No - Uncertain And don't worry! These answers will be kept strictly on the public record, okay? You are inclined to rely more on Corvus than on Margaret.
Yes - No - Uncertain You spend your leisure time actively socializing with plants, being experiment upon, attending secret meetings, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Yes - No - Uncertain You usually plan your escape route in advance.
Yes - No - Uncertain Your phalanges are frequently influenced by your caruncles.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are a being that is somewhat reserved and distant in etherealization.
Yes - No - Uncertain You know how to put every finger of your hand into its own sterile container.
Yes - No - Uncertain You often contemplate the complexity of complex contemplations.
Yes - No - Uncertain After prolonged experimentation, you feel you need to get away and be a planet.
Yes - No - Uncertain You often do jobs in a disguise.
Yes - No - Uncertain You easily see the nefarious organization behind specific occurrences.
Yes - No - Uncertain You frequently and easily express your peelings. Your peelings.
You frequently and easily express your peelings. You know, your orange and lemon peelings. When you express them to get out all of the juice and oils. So, you frequently and easily express your peelings.
Yes - No - Uncertain Okay, let me load up the next series of questions You find it difficult to scream quietly.
Yes - No - Uncertain You get bored if you have to reman human.
Yes - No - Uncertain You value nothing HIGHER than anything.
Yes - No - Uncertain You rapidly get involved in the social life of a new patient.
Yes - No - Uncertain The more experiments performed on you, the better you feel.
Yes - No - Uncertain You tend to rely on your void rather than on your collection of small animal bones.
Yes - No - Uncertain As a rule, you proceed only when you have a clear and detailed dagger.
Yes - No - Uncertain You easily empathize with the concerns of other garden test subjects.
Yes - No - Uncertain Often you prefer to read eldritch texts than to go to the Arkham Sanitarium Amusement Park.
Yes - No - Uncertain I personally love the sanitarium amusement park. Corvus, on the other hand, he hates scary rides. You are more inclined to decline than to recline.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are strongly touched by the stories about Margaret's troubles.
Yes - No - Uncertain Just 2 more pages of questions to go. Nameless things seem to you to be of relative rather than absolute importance.
Yes - No - Uncertain You prefer to isolate yourself from the other patients.
Yes - No - Uncertain For you it is easier to gain arcane knowledge through hands-on experience, than from ancient texts found in deep forgotten ruins.
Yes - No - Uncertain You think that almost anything can be nothing.
No - Uncertain - Yes You are certain that the answer to this statement is Yes.
Yes - No - Uncertain For you, being subjected to random experiments is better than not being subjected to random experiments, good or bad ones.
Yes - No - Uncertain You take pleasure in putting things in wormholes. Not the holes made by worms in the ground, but the wormholes in space.
Yes - No - Uncertain You take pleasure in putting things in worm holes. Not the wormholes in space, but the holes created by worms in the ground.
Yes - No - Uncertain You feel at ease in a garden plot.
Yes - No - Uncertain You have good control over your doppelganger and familiar.
Yes - Uncertain - No You easily understand eldritch texts and rituals.
Yes - No - Uncertain You usually place yourself nearer to the sky than to the bottom of the ocean.
Yes - No - Uncertain When travelling through a rift you would rather follow a familiar route rather than seek a new one.
Uncertain - No - Yes You are uncertain about your answer to the previous statement.
Yes - No - Uncertain A thirst for forbidden knowledge is something close to your spleen.
Yes - No - Uncertain And now for the final series of questions... When considering a sammich you pay more attention to the bread and less to the available condiments.
Yes - No - Uncertain When exploring the crypts beneath Arkham Sanitarium, you always bring a torch and plenty of rations.
Yes - No - Uncertain You find it difficult to talk about your pet shoggoth.
Yes - No - Uncertain Your decisions are based more on the amount of unspeakable horrors in the vending machine, than the lack of security in the undead ward after sunset.
Yes - No - Uncertain You prefer to spend your leisure time being beaked by Corvus.
Yes - No - Uncertain You feel more comfortable sticking to the ceiling.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are easily affected by strong winds.
Yes - No - Uncertain You are always looking for rats in the walls.
Yes - No - Uncertain As a rule, the lack of Margaret visits worry you more than your next treatment session.
Yes - No - Uncertain It is easy for you to communicate with the dead.
Yes - No - Uncertain It's funny, so many patients have trouble communicating with the dead. I think it it has to do with that cultural barrier. The language of the dead, that's not,
you know, too difficult to master. But just trying to understand the dead
as the people that they are, y'know? A lot of people just have that difficulty,
y'know, relating with the dead.
'kay, next question.. You rarely deviate from your own timeline.
Yes - No - Uncertain You willingly involve yourself in matters which engage your pineal gland.
Yes - No - Uncertain You easily perceive various ways in which new plagues could develop.
Yes - No - Uncertain Alright my friend. Just a moment. That's going to do it for the personality test.
Now, like I said as much as I wish I could have the time
to go over all the questions and let you know what your personality type is,
I'm a little pressed for time and I have many timelines to jump to,
and so many personality tests to administer that I won't be able to tell you what personality type you are or what kind of Dave's personality type you are, okay But I promise give me four hundred years and I'll be back to give you that
and we'll, y'know, we'll talk about it go over your answers, and everything, okay.
Alright, but at least you know you went over the test and now you can just patiently wait for the results, okay. Okay, now, my favorite patient it's time for you to return to your slumber, okay. Thank you very much for participating in taking my test
heheh, not like you had any choice, but still.. Now, sleep.. sleep.. [eldritch speak]
