Dean Martin Celebrity Roast - Ronald Reagan

your roastmaster thank you when I first learned we were honoring governor Reagan tonight first thing I did was call all his friends that didn't take too long and the man were honoring tonight for years he was on TV as the host of Death Valley days for every week he worked with a team of mules into something soft politics he never made an x-rated movie his pictures were rated M you couldn't get in to see one unless you were counted by a moron his movies were so bad they were shown at drive outs president Marsden couldn't be here tonight however they sent you tell I'd like to read some of them now first one is from the editor of Playgirl magazine dear Governor Reagan we wonder if you would consider posing nude for the centerfold of our next issue we feel the American public would love to see a politician who has nothing to hide finally here the telegram from the president President Nixon dear Governor Reagan I'm sorry I couldn't come to your roast tonight Dean invited me but I don't trust anybody named Dean anymore Jackie Vernon tonight I have as a tribute to you compiled a series of slides depicting the highlights of your career here while doing your first bit part in the movies here's an actress showing the police the part you bit governor here you are winning a first gubernatorial race and here's the goob who came in second Ronnie here you are during your last campaign landing President Nixon your support and his President Nixon wearing it there you go miss Phyllis Diller governor Reagan has always been a fabulous person he started out as an underweight inexperienced untalented dishwasher in Tampico Illinois unfortunately he never lived up to this early promise governor and I'll never forget the last time Ronnie ran for office I saw a pregnant woman wearing a campaign button that said Reagan's the man I want to thank you for one thing if you ever get to be President and I think you may and there's a depression try not to have it at a bad time like when everybody's out of work when his limousine pulled up in front of the studio tonight a woman started screaming Ronald he's here it's Ronald Reagan he's here the governor's here I thought Nancy would never shut up I'm here to pay tribute to you as a man you recently appointed to the state Supreme Court we're very honored to have him here tonight justice Angelo the duty I'm so glad to be here do like one of my family Perry's before continuing may I offer my condolences to the loved ones of your opponent in the last election I understand he met with an unfortunate accident tomorrow night at 8 o'clock we're even Jenna mr. Peck Henry the last time I saw Sammy Davis stylish before I start governor yeah would you like to confess anything you can talking to the flowers that barked but my everything this man has done for the state of California and I say that because I live in New York I was growing up in New York I had an uncle fudgie who loved the Pope man let he be at the voting booths at 2:00 in the morning and he'd votes and he'd votes I need votes we can use them he was such a view I never figured how you look at this man have tears in his eyes he said to me oh if I was only a citizen you'd really see some vote here all this talk about governor Ronald Reagan trying for the White House in 76 but with all respect to your governor I must tell you you're wasting your time how can you aspire to such a high office you've never even had a good scandal attached to your name wait sweetie you're lying no boozing no buggin no running around real wild broads who's gonna trust a politician like that tonight's guest is Mark Spitz a young man who won seven gold medals in last year's Olympics just got married mark dead instead of a honeymoon he and his bride swum upstream and spawns parts you know governor you and I had very similar careers you started out as an athlete and so did I and as a matter of fact you became an actor and so did I now if it turns out that I can't act either who would I talk to about becoming governor most people don't know mark wasn't always Jewish but he was out swimming one day and ran into a swordfish this guy's great Jack Benny is here tonight on a political mission he's trying to get the governor to pass a new bill creating the senior citizens discount at massage parlors many things about Jack but that would only take time he can't stay long Pete only put a penny in the parking meter I would like to say that Greg garrison the producer of the show told me I only have four minutes to talk that's impossible I stare longer than now as long as I only have four minutes to speak I will devote my time to our guest of honor governor Reagan I was going to say governor Ronald Reagan but with four minutes done a great job for California although in all fairness to Pat Brown when Pat was governor we didn't have earthquakes now ladies and gentlemen they remember the governor Reagan appeared on my last television show it was called Jack Benny's first farewell special and because we were such good friends the governor agreed to come on my show for nothing and I accept after all what are friends for was only four minutes I certainly could not say all the wonderful things about Ronny that I would like to but I do have an idea check your local papers daily for my next television special and if I am successful in making the same deal with the governor I will continue this speech on my show extend always functions for years you look closely at the painting of the Last Supper Jack is the third from the left tonight we thought it would be interesting to invite someone who knew the governor when he was a young boy growing up in Tampico Illinois so what we did was locate the governor's first grade elementary school teacher and we flew her in from Illinois to be with ladies and gentlemen honoring us with her presence this evening miss Maude frickin but a kiss-off that way Thank You mr. Martin for bringing me out on the bus I would imagine the other stars flew in an airplane being with Fred MacMurray was a job what a fabulous dinner this has been so far flowers and popcorn I don't know where to begin there's so much to say to you and and to know that you know back in Tampico when I was 19 years old and you were you were about 12 my when I look at you and I think how gray my hair isn't I'll send the ears imagine you touch it just a little don't you what did joy you were and I am you know mr. Hochberg er you remember him he's dead when when you when you came to me and said Oh miss frickert I want to go to college and I thought of all the great universities that Ronnie could have gone to here in the country we have and he chose Eureka we've done a lot of research on governor Reagan and we found out something about him that very few people know you see Ronald Reagan has a twin brother and we brought him here tonight would y'all please welcome Donald Regan you know you look better with your hair like that than you're getting and that's retro see you now I always loved Ronnie yes I did even though he was the white sheep of the family I believe that rotted I could be brothers was like this we were kids we were naughty right and one day my dad was chasing us he wanted to spank us he said if I catch you I'm gonna Tan your hide Ronnie got away please welcome the first lady of California the lovely and gracious Nancy Thank You Dean I really don't have anything to add to what's already been said tonight I really don't think I good but it's a very proud and happy night for me and so I just thought that I couldn't let it go by without coming by and giving a kiss to the man I love I don't know why she did that I was gonna vote for him again anyway thank you miss Reagan and now would come to Don Rickles you know a lot of people wonder why Donna so mean there's a reason for that you see he's been that way ever since he found out Eva Braun was two-timing him star the last 10 days of Rickles Don Rickles the greatest thing I can say to governor Reagan or Regan whatever they quote what did they call you governor the greatest moment I remember in your career was when you said to Pat O'Brien the Gipper is dying was a fish now the Gentile gentleman here had no idea a kipper that's a Jewish fish don't be dumb I hate a dumb guy he wouldn't be governor of my people in go okay there's always one dumb guy in the audience you're probably important my luck you'll be the president of NBC is this fun governor hammer better than trying to hit chess Unruh with your car those of you from all around the United States Jess Unruh is a great Democratic candidate who opposed many things that the governor did and he's a great politician and the governor be the first to agree and that's what makes our country so fantastic that we have different people as I do I stand on a stage or on a lectern or I stand here next to Dean Martin one of the great guys and I say this from my heart Dean you have a problem and the governor is the great politician of all time he laughs at anything my brother died I tell you out there America our governor is dumb can you see it when this show is off the air and the governor's over in the room with three guys from the state troopers all right Joe let's hear the joke about the governor let's hear the one about him being dumb let's go I don't know who you are in the middle but you're starting to get on my heart there's one guy with a heart got it sucking up his lip this'll be Richard Nixon's body doll they talked about you my dear friend and honorable governor and sir we've never met formally as we've said before but I will never forget the stories I've heard that you standing on the White House lawn throwing watt rocks at Richard Nixon's window going dick don't tell him like a man you're an actor phony it up just stand on the lawn and say your game then Martin came from Youngstown Ohio is that right thing Steubenville why that's better new governor or a great man you can tell because you don't see many governors with clip-on bow ties hey fun is fun there are many people that are planted around here to look like they enjoy this but Dean Martin said to me when Governor Reagan or Regan whatever they call you I don't care whether governor if I got a cousin getting the chair you better make that phone call I say this for my heart but I met you once in the hallway at NBC as you remember I'll never forget your words get out of the way kid by kids sir you were a politician black/white Jew Gentile we're all working for one cause to figure out how you became governor ah save on your streets ran longer than your last series ladies and gentlemen the governor of the state of California Ronald Reagan thank you very much I've listened to the entire show and the best thing I can do to show my appreciation to all of you is to invoke executive privilege I refused to release the tape I know that you all realize without my having to tell you that in the job I have now you have to make great many decisions and let me just say about the decision I made with regard to tonight with hindsight to the best of my recollection at this point in time I really goofed Dean Martin show or Dave time television with Sam urban but when you imagine though all these people can mark spitz showing up all dried off my father is going to be so thrilled you've really had an impact I don't mind her swelling all that milk but now she's trying to grow a mustache and I'm sure they have Jack Benny here we've known each other since we were both 39 Jack's no tightwad that's who's part of the act on my last birthday he gave me a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica paperback and then there are some men there are some men who achieve fame and go beyond that to become veritable household words now Don Rickles is such a man he has become a household word the kind they erase in x-rated movies Dean Martin show didn't I have a lot in common about the same size we both like horses like golf of course we both made a lot of movies and the difference is I knew when to quit these beans had a fabulous career stop to think of it vaudeville nightclubs recordings movies television and I think he won't even know it all happened to him until he Sobers up after this I'm honored grateful to all these wonderful people seriously and grateful to you ladies and gentlemen I asked Nancy what I should say when I came out here and she told me to just say something warm and gracious and sit down so gracious wasn't it warm in here tonight the symbol of quality entertainment guffy rancor video

Channel: NotoriousTopAgency

Views: 2,148,030

Rating: 4.7542324 out of 5

Keywords: Dean Martin (Musical Artist), Roast, Ronald Reagan (US President), The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (TV Program), Variety Show (TV Genre), The Dean Martin Show (TV Program)

Id: ve1z48hljYY

Length: 26min 46sec (1606 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 15 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/elZaphod]

Rickles killed. That jackass always brings it.