Dealing With Depression, Mental Health

sorry before I do anything I gotta fix these lips chapped a hello friends thank you so much for clicking Tosh this video my name is Syd Sydney black for today's video I'm just going to be doing a chit chat get ready with me it's kind of talking with you guys about some stuff that's been going on in my mind and in my life a couple of you guys have requested that I do more videos like this and I actually genuinely enjoy doing videos like this so that's what we're doing today I will not be sharing all the products that I'm using in this video but I will be sure to put them down in the description box below I'm just gonna meet chatting chat Aladdin check check check if you haven't already and you would like to please subscribe to my channel and turn on the notification ball so you don't miss any new uploads from me alright and let's just jump right into the video okay what should we talk about first how about depression it's no laughing matter actually depression is super serious I know I don't sound like I'm being serious about it but but i but I am so I mentioned in my last life update video that I've just been struggling and having really hard time lately and that's why I hadn't been uploading a lot and the real reason is because I was depressed I have had depression for a long time now like since before I started YouTube for a while so it's not anything new I've never talked about it or shared it online one because whenever I'm feeling that way or feeling down I feel as though by talking about it and sharing it especially like online on YouTube I feels like I'm the only reason I'm talking about it because I want people to feel sad for me or pitying me or you know just seeking attention which is really really really really really unhealthy but it's not uncommon for people who have depression to not talk about it or seek help because they feel like they're not validated and the way that they're feeling and they feel like you're bothering people with your problems like it just feels like you're burdening people by talking to them about how you're feeling which is really really really unhealthy I've learned to get over that or talk through that by seeing a therapist and you know just talking to my friends and other people who have depression it's really really really important to talk about it the first time that I was diagnosed with depression I actually didn't really I didn't realize that I was depressed it was when I was in college and I had a like I have eczema I laugh because every single talk about eczema I think of that video where that little kids like you got its mom why you got these bumps you got eczema eczema okay let's see so I have eczema and it was just getting really out of control and the lotion that I was using to help like keep it down was not working so I went to the University like Hospital to try and get an antibiotic for it whenever you go into the University Hospital they make you take like a mental health kind of evaluation where you just have to like pretty much just rate how you're feeling like they ask vague questions about like just your thoughts and stuff and you have to rate like high low whatever based on how you're feeling from the questions on the exam and so I just answered the questions like normally have it was just feeling I was sitting waiting for them to call me back to you so I can see the doctor and told the nurse who was talking to me before like once she was all cheerful when I came in she's like oh yeah having you you know we can get you some creams for that I don't no problem just fill up this exam and then I'll pick the doctor and we'll be right with you so I give her back the exam after I answered all the questions and she goes to the back and then she comes back out and like her demeanor was completely different than the way she was talking to me before she went back there and she goes are you feeling okay and I was like yeah I'm fine I'm aware of who I are you being so weird she goes um so I was just going through your mental health exam and we think it would be really good for you to see the on-campus therapist we've scheduled you an appointment for this Tuesday at blah blah blah time whatever whatever and I was kind of saying they're like why what is happening right now like why is she coming at me like she basically set up the appointment for me and I didn't really have a choice on whether or not I could go to it they were kind of making it mandatory in a way they're like you don't go we're going to check and make sure you went like you need you basically have to go to this based off of your answers from the mental health exam so I was like oh all right well okay so I went to see the on-campus therapist and she started the same way she's just like oh hi like you know what's been going on what are you what are you here for like what do you want to talk about basically and I was like I I don't really have anything that I wanted to talk about the nurse when I was at the University Hospital basically made me come here I really didn't have anything that I wanted to talk about I would have never gone to see a therapist on my own I don't think at that point so she like opens up my file and she sees the mental health exam that I take in basically and then she did the exact same thing the nurses she got like hella serious and she was like so are you really feeling okay and I was like yeah I think I'm okay and she goes well it says here that you've been feeling like a little sad or down how long have you been feeling that way and I was like well I mean I don't know it's been maybe like two months ish I don't know that worried her because everyone well a lot of people experience depression but usually it's situational so there's like a reason why you feel depressed and it only is supposed to last for like two weeks so if you're feeling depressed for like two weeks eventually it'll go away and your hormones will get back to a normal level and you won't feel that way anymore but if you feel that way longer than two weeks and that usually means that something else is wrong and I've been feeling that way for two months so then she basically just started asking me questions like why I was feeling that way and you know trying to maybe just get down to the root of what might have caused it and I honestly didn't have an answer because I I didn't realize that I was depressed if that makes any sense then she asked me questions like about like if I had ever thought about killing myself like committing suicide and I answered yes because I had in my mind at that point I thought it was something that everyone thought about like I thought it was normal to like think about killing yourself saying that out loud now sounds really like sad and terrible because it isn't normal a lot of people do have those thoughts but it's not something that people just think about on a normal basis so when I answered yes like yeah I do sometimes think about it then she said okay have you thought about how and I told her yeah like of course like yeah I like to me it was like in that situation like talking to her I was answering the questions with the assumption that everyone thought this way like I thought the way that I've been thinking and feeling was normal like I thought it was normal I don't know so she's like have you planned it and I'm like no I haven't planned it she goes okay so you just think about it and you have like ideas on how you would but you don't have a plan and I was like no I don't I don't feel like I would ever do it but I do think about it and like have thought about ways that I could do it then she asked me like how often do you think about it like is it everyday is it you know a couple times a week like often you think about it and I think at that point it was like wasn't everyday but it was every other day like I do remember it was like often that I would just have these like random thoughts about you know committing suicide and like ways that I could commit suicide and she goes okay well you know I just want you to know that like the way you're feeling is normal because a lot of people experience this however it is important for you to be aware of the thoughts that you're having because she explained to me the way suicide works is you have a thought you have the thought of like wanting to kill yourself and then you think of how you can kill yourself and then you start to plan it and the way that the sequence of thoughts happens it's so unconscious you don't even realize that like that's the way that it's going so you'll have the thoughts you'll think about how and then you'll like have a plan of like you know what you can do and eventually these thoughts will be so like so just wrap it in on point in your brain that it'll just become an action so one day you're not even it's not even a thought anymore it's just an action and you've just been thinking about it and planning it and preparing for it so long in your head that it just comes naturally she just act on it so I hadn't yet gotten to the point where I was planning it I do think like if I would have never went into the doctor and never been like required to go see a therapist and had this conversation I probably could have gotten to that point because I didn't even realize how unhealthy the thoughts I was having initially were I'm not gonna cry in this video I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry don't cry stop how am I supposed to continue with the make up I'm gonna like start crying but I honestly don't know if I would have never gone in I'm gonna get myself together guys I think it was all together Nolan I don't know that like my thoughts wouldn't have gotten to the point where I was like planning it and eventually just did it because I wasn't aware of how dangerous those thoughts were even becoming in my brain so after that I when saw a therapist for a while basically until I graduated it was free and I she became my friend like we were friends and we were just talk about everything and eventually I stopped having those thoughts and stuff having those repetitive thoughts because I don't just getting it out and kind of like processing like what my thoughts were and how I got to that point really did help me in a really big tremendous way so since then I have had like spouts of depression and usually like if I just stopped uploading for like a couple weeks or I'm not like posting as much it's usually because I'm just kind of having a little depressive episode and I feel like I don't want to I don't want to put that kind of energy back out into the world because I don't know to me it just feels like if I'm sharing and you know talking about my depression while I'm depressed I just I just worry that it'll trigger other people to feel that way or it'll bring up you know emotions for people that they don't already have I don't know I look at it as like I have like a virus like a cold and I don't want to spread it so I just kind of like hover it to myself and try and like get better on my own which is really really really unhealthy so this past couple months when I was feeling down I learned a lot about myself I learned that my depression or my depressive episodes are triggered when I when I feel like I don't have control over what's happening in my everyday life I just kind of like start to spiral and just just start digging the hole deeper from there I also suffer from adult attention deficit disorder or a DD and I've had it for I think I've had it probably since I started college maybe before then but I feel like a lot of us have it to like a very an extent somewhere on the spectrum just because we've trained our brains to be distracted with like our phones and our jobs like it's multitasking has become like an everyday part of our existence because we're constantly just like doing a bunch of different things on our phone at once so I feel like a DD is also common so I've also been diagnosed with a DD one of the main problems with attention deficit disorder as you literally just cannot focus and do one thing at a time like it's painfully hard to just sit and do one thing at a time and again a lot of people have this and like suffer from some variation of it but I know mine is really really really bad and I get called out on it a lot like Osman calls me out all the time like we'll be having a conversation he'll be talking to me about one thing and in my mind I'm like I'm listening to what he's saying but I'm also just like thinking about something completely different and then when it's my turn to like respond I respond with what I've been thinking about in the back of my head instead of what he's been saying I also noticed like whenever I sit down to like edit or even just like watching TV or watching YouTube I am constantly like looking at my phone and just doing other things except for the thing that I had like sat down to do unless it's like a really really really really really interesting thing then I can sit and like grasp my attention but unless I'm like completely intrigued I can't sit and do anything osmond is really good about like if he starts something he finishes it like he finishes that thing before he moves on to another thing I can't do that so for the last three years or so I've had I take medication for my ATD I it works well for me I like it but I also go through like these phases where I'm just feeling like I want to like clean my body and I want to get clean and like eat better and stop taking medicine and bla bla whatever whatever so it last month that's what I decided to do and it was no bueno yo for the first week or so I was fine like I really felt fine I felt like I was you know able to do things throughout my day and like get things done like I wasn't able to get as much done as I did when I was on my medication but I was able to get things done and it was really nice to feel like I wasn't dependent on something like to me because I've always been such an independent person and I don't like asking for help and I don't like seeking help I don't even like depending on something that was like diagnosed for me to use I was just having a really hard time with it so the first week after I got off of it I was doing good and I was fine everything was great and then until week two ish I started noticing that it was getting really hard to just do like simple things like things that aren't hard it was getting it was becoming like mentally draining on me to do but I kept at it and I kept like trying to do it I would like wake up and you know have a list of things that I wanted to get done and I wanted to do and I would start like doing things on the list time went on it felt like it just got harder for me to go down the list and like complete the things I had written down that I wanted to do that day and then eventually I got to a point where I'd get halfway through maybe one or two things on the list and then I would just feel so exhausted like completely drained and then I would just go lie on the couch and like watch Netflix and I would feel worse about myself because I felt helpless like I couldn't do anything I'm just incapable of doing anything on my own I even tried filming a couple times and I would just sit down and start to film and then just I don't even know I can't even really fully explain what happens but you just you start like really excited to do something and then out of nowhere it just kind of turns off and you're completely demotivated to do it and then you try and push yourself to keep going and doing it and it's literally just like exhausting on your body to like keep trying to do something that like everything inside of you is telling you like you don't want to do this anymore stop man what are you doing stop no you're not doing this anymore so I tried filming a couple of different times and eventually I was just like you know this isn't working and every day would just end up with me on my couch like feeling sad for myself because I couldn't get anything done that I wanted to do during the day and then the depression starts to seep in where you just feel hopeless and you feel like nothing matters and nothing nothing's gonna be better nothing can be better like you just have these terrible thoughts about yourself and about Society and about you know mankind as a whole like husband and I started watching house of cards and instead of just enjoying the show I was just sit there thinking about how terrible our government is and how nothing is going to get better and nothing is going to help anything and just just these really like really dangerous detrimental thoughts just replaying over and over and over in my head I didn't want to leave my house I didn't want to see anyone I didn't want to hang out with anyone because I didn't want to have to like pretend like I was okay what I knew I wasn't I didn't want to talk to anyone osmond that was the first time he's experienced seeing me like that so it was hard for him not to take it personally and I feel like it was his fault or he had caused it like it's it's hard to explain and put into words what's going on and then it makes you feel even more guilty because you feel like you're burdening people with your problems so eventually it got to the point again I was feeling suicidal or having suicidal thoughts again still didn't have a plan but I just would wake up and just feel like the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it or you guys I've like never talked about this stuff online before it's really hard this art this is art blending your eyeshadows keep blending don't cry blend blend blend um but I wake up and just feel like the world would be better if I wasn't in it or it would be nice to just not exist anymore like it would be nice to just disappear you know just stuff like that you have those thoughts for a moment and then I would think about osmond and I would think about my family and think about you know you guys and think about like how upsetting it would be to so many people if that were to happen and then it just comes back and eventually it gets to a point where like nothing matters like you don't you can't feel anything because you're just empty like it's oh it is like it's truly an awful feeling like it's it's an awful feeling to not feel anything you're just it's just nothing like nothing matters so once I started recognizing myself having those thoughts again all of the things that my therapist and college talk to me about like started coming back and I'm thinking okay you have to do something about you can't just keep letting your thoughts run away like this because you know how it'll end up so just breathe breathe it'll be okay you need to talk someone you need to do something about it so the first thing that I try to do whenever I'm having depressive States is reach out to my family and my friends so I reached out to friends and family and just you know started like talking and having conversations about how I feeling like just talking about it really helps it get out then I went to a psychiatrist and that read iagnosed for my medication for my a D D because whew it is a struggle you guys and I don't know why it's so hard and I really wish it wasn't and I'm trying to shift my mentality so that I'm not feeling like I'm depend on something as much as you know if someone has like heart disease or you know some sort of physical illness and they're prescribed medication and they decide they don't want to take it because you know they want to be clean or help themselves or whatever people would think that they were crazy because they're like it's like why why wouldn't you use something that's helping you live your life because you you have like these you know thoughts about why it's not good for you or whatever so I'm really trying to shift my mentality and I'm not by like I'm no meat by no means am I sitting here and trying to tell people to use medication or get on medication no I think that that has to be a choice for you and I think that it's important to talk to a professional about it and even after you talk to a professional about it do your research on it because unfortunately the pharmaceutical industry is very lucrative and a lot of therapists and psychiatrists and doctors have it in their own best interest to prescribe you with things just because they're being paid by other people to sell these things and push these things for money so you should go and talk to a professional but also do your research on whatever it is that they give you on read reviews like read a ton of reviews and you know just there's so much information out there don't ever just take anything blindly but I'm not I'm also not telling you to take anything at all that's just my spiel so research of friends went back to see my psychiatrist and it's been a couple days now and I've been doing a lot better like I've been doing and feeling a whole lot better and every single time that I come out of like one of my depressive States I always have like a new like perspective or view or enlightening on like life on everything um and like why why did I choose to do this video and put on makeup that was a poor decision poor decision on my behalf oh I'm not gonna cry no please please don't miss America but after every time that I come out of one of my depressive States I always feel oh I just feel really grateful before when I would be depressed and like I would get better and start feeling like myself again in the back of my mind I would always just you know try and do everything that I can to like not get back into that state like denying how I'm feeling and just denying that you know that part of me exists because I it sucks it sucks so bad when you're feeling that way and you feel like you know it's never gonna end and like all hope is lost and so who every other time that I've like been down in that place and recognized it and they've gotten out of it I've always kind of just suppressed it and you know just trying to do everything in my power just never feel like that again and while it is important to you know be aware of how you're feeling see that sorry guy it's important to be aware of how you're feeling and you know how you're talking yourself how you're treating yourself so that you don't you know slip into those states but I've realized I've learned about myself is that I'm probably always going to have depression to some extent because you can't control it you can't control everything that happens in your life this time after I came out of it though I just felt so grateful for it okay so maybe it's gonna be impossible for me to catch this video without crying I felt really grateful for my depression because it's made me because it's made me such a compassionate person and it's made me such a kind and caring person and I think that I mean a lot of people meet me and you know get to know me they told me that I'm a kind person and like that I that I just care a lot about people and I haven't always been that way and I've realized that the reason that I am is because because of my depression because because I know what it feels like to be just so down and feeling so alone and feeling feeling hopeless I know what that feels like and I never I know what that feels like and I never want anyone else to feel that way especially not because of me years thing that I've done I know people who do feel that way who truly feel that way don't want to talk about it and they don't wanna you know ask for help and they don't want to they don't want to burden people without their feeling even though they're hurting they don't want to talk to people and they don't want to tell people how they're feeling even though they're hurting and they're feeling really alone and feeling like nothing matters and maybe thinking about killing themselves and I just know how that feels and so I've become such an empathetic person and I've become a really caring and compassionate person and an understanding as much as I can be of every single person that I meet and that I come into contact with and I never understood why I changed so much because in high school I wasn't the most compassionate or empathetic person at all but I've realized now that it is because of my depression that I just have just more of an understanding on human emotions and how people are feeling and and I just want to help it was not a good idea to do my makeup well the reason I never talked about this because I don't want to like get online and like be crying and sad and like you know that's what you guys are watching and you know that's what you're taking it to your life and into your everyday it like I don't want that for anyone but I realized though that I'm not alone and I'm not the only person who feels this way and I do have a platform to talk about these things with people and maybe help someone else who's not aware of how they're thinking or feeling like the way that feels you know not valid or not real maybe it can help them like by me talking about it I can help in the way that I want to and the way that I try to you in my everyday life I don't know you know where everyone is on there in their own journeys but I've just really come to realize like I'm I have you know depression I probably I'm always going to be depressed and there's going to be different things that trigger it and I should be aware of the things that trigger it but I also just need to love that part of me because it's Who I am and it made me who I am and I I don't want to be anyone else and I don't I don't want to take it away because feeling that emptiness and feeling that void of emotions and feelings that depression causes it's made me so happy and grateful for for the emotions that you have and it makes me aware of how much love I'm surrounded by and how much love there is in the universe and how much and how much love there is a mankind I don't want to sound like crazy like weird weirdo hippie but that's who I am and I live a lot of my life based off of my emotions and how I feel and I don't think that I would if I never if I never went through depression I have just come out of it this time just feeling just so much love and so grateful and who knows it might come back it might that's just life and I've just accepted that that's a part of my life and a part of who I am but the new outlook that I have on it is that I'm not going to keep it I'm not going to hide it anymore because it's not helping anyone for me to like not talk about it and act like it doesn't exist and it it really really really does make me so appreciative of everything in life like everything let's get through the rest of this makeup jeez I think that people who don't have depression or don't understand it have a harder time really like knowing what it's like everyone goes through you know situational depressions where they go through a breakup or they lose their job or you know stuff like that where you just you naturally just feel kind of sad and hopeless the depression that I you know talk about is when nothing is wrong like nothing is really wrong everything's great like I love my husband I love my friends I love my job I love I love so many aspects of my life so why am I feeling this void why and that when it's hard and I put myself down even more because I feel like I don't have a right to feel that way because of how many blessings and things that I do have I have a right to feel any of my feelings any of my emotions are valid and any of your emotions and anything that you're feeling is valid and it's real and it matters so be kind to yourself and be kind to how you're feeling and be kind to one another be kind to strangers be kind to people you don't like that much be kind to everyone because we're all humans and we all go through feelings of you know sadness or anger or you know emotions that aren't so dandy and happy if you didn't know me or you just met me or I don't know like if you had no idea if you didn't personally know me closely and you met me you wouldn't you would never think that I had depression or that I felt this way so you don't know who has depression and most of the time he probably won't like again like I said people who are really depressed and feeling like that don't like to share it and they don't like to you know burden other people with how they're feeling so just be kind you don't have to do anything you don't have to try and fix anyone you don't have to you know be the shoulder for people to cry on you should for your friends and family who need it but just be kind to just any other human being just be nice that's literally sometimes all people need just to brighten their day it's just to be nice I really like truly think the world would be a much better place that people just cared a little bit more for something other than themselves like I get everyone's going through their own things and you should prioritize yourself and you should you should work towards your own happiness but it doesn't take much effort at all just to be nice to someone else I hate getting online and you know seeing like the worst tweets or comments treating people like they're not humans like everyone is a we're all human beings the understanding part of me sees that as someone else was hurting a lot of people don't recognize they're hurt they're not aware of how they're feeling so they're not aware of what they're you know portraying or what they're projecting I don't fully remember but when I was depressed the first time I wasn't aware of my depression or how I was feeling maybe I was projecting that on to other people in other ways I don't remember I don't think I was but I don't know like a lot of people are living and they're not aware of their thoughts in their emotions so they don't know that they're being evil they don't know how what they're saying is coming off they just feel validated and whatever the thought is they're not realizing how it's going to affect the person it's directed to because they themselves are hurting there are so many people who are living their day-to-day lives and are miserable and they don't even realize that they're miserable and even worse if they do realize it they can't get any hope for it like when I went to go see my psychiatrist it wasn't covered in my health insurance so I had to pay out of pocket for that and that made me feel like stressed and upset because I was thinking about all the people who don't necessarily have the money to pay out of pocket for that like they just don't get the help and that's that's the American health system health care system in a nutshell basically is if you don't have the money or the means and you don't get help and that's even more detrimental like I feel painfully frustrating it's painfully frustrating but that's why I want to make videos about it and start talking about it more because YouTube's free subscribing to my channel is free and if I can help even one person feel better or gain clarity on how they're feeling then that's that is what I want that that will make me the happiest person in the world is to help other people through this ok guys I'm going to finish my iron makeup and then I'll be right back my makeup is done I just I didn't I wasn't I feel like I've been doing my eye makeup forever because I just have to keep stopping to cry girl I I really don't know why I chose to do this video I didn't think I was going to cry that much that's why I thought this was a good idea I know majority of my followers are black males young black females feel like there is a lack of education surrounding mental health in in the u.s. total but especially in minority communities because we're struggling with so much outside of ourselves just based on how we look on the outside it's really it's a lot harder to be introspective because you're just kind of in survival mode and I feel like it keeps a lot of us down like it keeps a lot of people from reaching their true potential or doing the things that would make them happiest in life because they're not they're unable to step inside of themselves you know fix what's going on inside to be able to do things outside if that makes any sense and that's not their fault like racism and Prejudice sness is regal like it's realer than a lot of things for sure sexism is real classism is real what else I'm sure there's other isms that are real they exist for sure one thing that upsets me though is I feel like there's a lot of there's so much talk and awareness to all these isms and there's not enough education on how to deal with that internally so while I think it's really really important to fight for equality and to to have our issues be brought to the forefront and solved and cared about I also think there needs to be more education around how to deal with all of this stuff mentally and internally because I don't feel like better is enough of that a lot of things in life start on the inside and because humans are human and we see people on the outside we don't really get to see you know what's going on inside so I really want to talk more about the things that I've learned and shared and gone through so that it could help someone else out there like me who might not even be aware of how they're feeling now or is aware and feels like there's no hope and nothing's ever gonna get better and just alone I expressed in my last video how I was having a hard time with YouTube and making videos because because truthfully I just felt like I could be doing more and I want to be doing more and I want to help people in more ways than just you know distracting them with makeup I do think that makeup is beautiful and one of the reasons I got into makeup was because I loved seeing how happy people were after I got done doing their makeup and how confident they felt about themselves and just giving them just a little bit of happiness to go about their day and do good in the world and feel good and lately I feel like I haven't been able to do that through YouTube anymore because of how much it's changed so well I do still want to talk about makeup and beauty I definitely definitely want to do more surrounding mental health and help my viewers who don't necessarily have you know the means or the wherewithal to go and get it or aren't even aware of it like the way you feel and your mind is just as important as the way you feel in your body if you have a broken leg you don't walk around on your and like you you know try and go get a fix but a lot of us have you know broken psyches and broken ways of viewing you know the world and it's causing a lot of pain and it's causing a lot of hurt and it's only recycling that pain and that hurt because we're having a hard time seeing love and feeling loved I I feel like I just go off into tangents about this but I'm very passionate about it because I think it's important and I think it's I think it's necessary just sharing how I feel and you know what I've been through I just I want I just really want to help people all right you guys feel like that is all that I have for you right now I love talking about things like this because it is very important and I'm really big on self-development I read a lot of self-help books I have four years and it's something that I've never really talked about online because I didn't think it was something that people wanted to watch but I think it is important so I'm going to start talking about it and helping people in that way for people who need it it's very important and I think the world would truly be a better place if everyone was kind to themselves and kind to each other so I sound like such a hippie but this is hippie sit this is who I am welcome nice nice to finally meet you all right you guys that's it for this video I hope that you enjoyed it I love you so so much and I'll see you in my next one [Music]

Channel: Cydnee Black

Views: 204,949

Keywords: depression, mental health

Id: di1_cKC1PFc

Length: 33min 47sec (2027 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 21 2018