Dave Chappelle @ Comic Strip Live Feb. 2009 (Better Audio)

it is great no for it Mel Gibson Tommy's ego huh yeah no Mel Gibson is an incredible filmmaker and he's the only guy that beat the American media machine it's a very difficult fight I've tried it and I lost oh no they look good can't even bug the system just a little bit look at Britney's Britney Spears just wouldn't have a couple babies she had a shaver here just take the heat off her [ __ ] for some people know how to beat it the politicians they can beat that [ __ ] cuz they get caught remember gavin newsom reason mayor same frame right so he gets caught [ __ ] his campaign managers wife they like doing blowing all that [ __ ] she's pretty less I mean I like yeah who's no less and those yes [ __ ] up you know I mean it was campaigners hold jobs be like this guy right here is a hell of a guy so mr. pretty dirty dog right so but he got away with it he's still like Teflon politician hey you know what he did check himself into rehab that's the move in America I don't know what it's like in Britain but an American is secret celebrity system rehab is base for regular people that's like you got to go there get better in shipping in the media style eight years of the San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom based on the repo 60 days I got 60 days and over here and I didn't know about rehab when a media got me and they hit me with a crackhead rumor [ __ ] [ __ ] up and I'm just any black dude I can't defend myself it's hard you know people just believe that [ __ ] it's very hard to defend yourself and I mean who else got in trouble they get everybody Eliot Spitzer actually like Eliot Spitzer - I got a lot to say about that I'm that should just come on man can't anybody I'm not only one I can't you see the cold Sherrod you see the codes you see the codes right it's always about something do you understand what I'm saying do you actually understand what I'm saying it's not Elias visit oh it's a dirty a assistant hmm everybody gets in trouble but not for the same kind of reasons it can't explain it's a very big idea I don't know how to distill it without sounding like a crazy conspiracy nut but it's not a conspiracy it's an actual fact you ever read this you ever read this thing about Lincoln and Kennedy somewhere on the internet you'll find it it's a list of similarities between like you know I mean like like Abraham Lincoln's Secretary's last name is Kennedy Kennedy's Secretary's last name was Lincoln I used to be uh sure at Ford's Theatre where Lincoln got shot when I was in high school I had nothing to do with the murder but I just pay attention these types things you only like the way they'd be trying to roll Barack over like he's Martin Luther King that's a complete media phenomenon I didn't draw that my mother the king was not an elected official he wasn't he was a chosen official but he was not an elected official that's a difference someone sees a young preacher this charismatic they say you know what this guy could actually lead our movement and at first they asked me said I don't want to do it they said why don't you do it cuz I'm 22 [ __ ] I'm getting [ __ ] I'm having fun but and eventually he's gonna understand like this movement is big on him and and yet and yet may not have been the same movement without just that one individual now okay here comes Brian Barak runs and it was just that [ __ ] happens you know what I mean can't explain it yes I can Barack was Barack was against John McCain right Barack's campaign song with Stevie Wonder's science sealed delivered I'm yours right Stevie Wonder sponsors a bill for the Martin Luther King holiday John McCain is from the only state that refused the Martin Luther King holiday state of Arizona anyway it's the same [ __ ] but all these people Eliot Spitzer okay how can he how could he go to a call-girl after he was busting prostitution rings in New York I'll tell you how cuz he was the [ __ ] Attorney General he was Attorney General and someone puts a docket on your desk a minute I can't bust these people i buy [ __ ] and prosecute the case that's his job he wins cases of course he's gonna have political aspirations cuz he was good at what he did and then nos no one else went crazy on the radio and he said hot 97 is taking money to play these records and I doubt it died it was like nas is insane Eliot Spitzer was like I'm gonna look into that and Eliot Spitzer went in there and he was like hey these guys are taking Paola and they [ __ ] ended the practice that age-old practice of Paola andreas and then years later he's gonna get busted at the [ __ ] Mayflower Hotel and why shouldn't he see my own [ __ ] let me tell you sir I'm from DC you know Mayflower Hotel that's where Marion Barry I'm smoking crack while he was [ __ ] a girl once was but the point is this didn't call the call girl at the Mayflower Hotel is like Inc of a cheeseburger and McDonald's there is where you're supposed to do those hands back and the girl comes out with a myspace page she's like oh the reason I was setting out his thinks it's because I work on my music career [Applause] magician she said musician but I heard magician ladies and gentlemen for my next trick I'm going to suck a record contract out over an attorney general dick same label as knots anal was so crazy about that [ __ ] which brings me back to the whole thing I've seen in the first place is that Eliot Spitzer was gonna get prosecuted under the Mann Act and that says it all you know the Mann Act the Mann Act the Mann Act Sharada you don't know the Mann Act you better know then your line of work you need to know these things the Mann Act is the law this isn't illegal to take it's the illegal take a girl across state lines for purposes of debauchery the Mann Act was written to get one man and that man was Jack [ __ ] Johnson the first black heavyweight champion of the world he used to beat the [ __ ] out of white men and leave the arena with white women in the 20s it was amazing he [ __ ] the whole matrix up when Jack Johnson won the World Championship he chased the white champion back then white champions would be like I don't fight black people it's beneath me but really they were scared to death Jack Johnson was huge acing of old tapes and boxes and [ __ ] heads Johnson moved like a modern person you know I fired a time machine I could be the heavyweight champion these guys it was amazing I mean if you watch somebody's Jack Johnson because back then you know they won the same fight regulations he will whoop their ass four hours before cable television oh it was it was [ __ ] mixed and then he will leave the arena and he would openly have sex with white women all the time now you think he would get persecuted for that but they never touched them because the heavyweight champ in the world is the most prestigious title in sports period you know who suffer for that the white widow one killers no one killed herself I mean they [ __ ] ostracize these women like you wouldn't believe just cut them off from everything they knew and loved for [ __ ] around with Jack Johnson and then they couldn't stop Jack Johnson the headliner paper say Jack Johnson is it they chase the sling around they've made the man act he had to flee the country he was living in exile couldn't fight anymore when Muhammad Ali saw Jack Johnson's story on Broadway he said that is my story if you changed white women to Islam he said that is my story right Jack Johnson just got pardoned in 2005 do you know who sponsored that bill John McCain cleaning up from that one Luther King [ __ ] I'm telling you it's all [ __ ] connected it's a very flimsy system of pseudo or false morality is anybody again get her that's good I'm totally joking this is New York here are you gay for real okay so you know the gay marriage is illegal right why do you think to Danny Lee they even care about marriage to a girl Oh gasps this chicken waiting is illegal do you think so whose immorality do you think so I don't whose morality who said big business she knows what's going on yeah oh good well you see here's the thing no matter what your morality is it still a secular society so even gay marriages against my own personal beliefs I can't necessarily believe a government that would say we don't want to do that for moral purposes now why you [ __ ] bombing Iraq like this [ __ ] Afghanistan like that I might as he can't be hit me with all this dubious hands morality they say morality because that's what their constituents need to hear and because they think that's what their constituents what to hear but honestly Bill Clinton said ninety was [ __ ] ninety percent of the [ __ ] that people talk about has nothing to do with what the actual job of president is about you think president be sitting around with times at ten o'clock oh we got that game meeting hey guys are we gonna do about that maybe I don't give a [ __ ] about know who actually is looking for big business and I have a whole belief system up that used only one I'll tell you part of it all right it's a tiered it's a tiered listen marriage laws of [ __ ] up in America I don't think that government should have that much say and actually how people devise a marriage because of Mary right devoid of any kind of religious belief or emotion like love is a business contract period and simple and tons of people in Washington or legislative bodies even guys like Eliot Spitzer that have wives with what constitutes living loveless marriages and they have these shits arranged because they're in such a high social stratosphere that they have to keep up with certain appearance so why are they imprisoned by their own marriage this is from economic slavery and if you look at the way the [ __ ] happens corporations were made legal in the United States by the Fourteenth Amendment right oil 52 member which freed the slaves and then of those rights people say we want the same rights as those [ __ ] as collective individuals right and if your collective individual and two collective individuals want to do business with one another one's masculine one is feminine so they define a marriage institution between man and woman but what if corporations is gay I'm just saying what about your mama doesn't want be with Uncle Ben tomorrow was to do business with Sarah Lee wait a minute man was a do business mr. clean wait a minute that's a little gay I'm sorry I thought that was funny what a hard drama holiday that's what mr. clean maybe I should've picked different company I put myself in a bad position I'm just joking around you're like we don't want to hear this [ __ ] it's just a conspiracy theory I believe in aliens too [ __ ] how about there aliens in here all that [ __ ] thank World Trade Center thank you wanna know who blew that [ __ ] up for real I Lango Satan you know as my own personal thing mommy won't say that she just ya know I think blew up the World Trade Center Ashton Kutcher [Laughter] why did he glove the World Trade Center I don't want to sound like a cynic she was crazy mm-hmm I don't know the truth but I know who does strippers they know everything does anyone have a cigarette sure good on you mate I wish I your accents are so nice and I do listen the BBC News Bo listen to the BBC you're listening to the BBC GMT a time-saver time as it goes GMT what does it mean who's no Greenwich oh it's the sent oh okay meantime Greenwich Mean Time is that what the phrase mean time comes for well you can tell you that your country conquered a lot of [ __ ] Scranton meantime I learned [ __ ] every day [Laughter] Greenwich Mean Time have you heard that before yeah before I've know you're from Ireland though you Greenwich Mean Time what's so mean about oh okay you ever seen a gas man stretch I don't do that 24-hour clock see I hate that [ __ ] 1,500 1,500 [Music] no I don't like that show that's when it's good to have them strippers around strippers are like goo the Google of the streets noticing some I answered so many questions with that crystal ball let's choose amazing skill sets girly I'm an accountant no dog trainer never get it it's amazing all right it was something hilarious though all this should have depressing Angie could you didn't blow up those buildings by the way I'm not gonna put that on him huh American people American person is one of the most lied to people in the world that's our whole game with America because freedom is not a privilege my friends it is a [ __ ] burden because a free person has to make choices all the time and you can't make a good choice but you have the information and in America it's not like China you know in China where they had earthquakes no the hell I wasn't newspaper what earthquake data will tell those people [ __ ] in America they'll tell you every goddamn thing and then they don't prioritize and information gotta figure all that [ __ ] out for yourself that's right wall be breaking out and you'll be like the Michael Jackson [ __ ] them kids Thank You shuffled funny cuz we live in the age of spin you got to be so smart to live nowadays in the age of spin you watching news that's not an absolute truth that is a version of the truth people tuned in to the version of the truth that makes them feel more comfortable sometimes I watch CNN I'm feeling bad I'll turn the Fox like yeah you gotta just switch frequencies she didn't have the truth all the time they'll tell you the truth that's why like Anderson Cooper cuz you can tell we don't believe the stories reading I just work here do something to it this is it's not that you know what it is about the age of spent because they play so much words I don't know what the [ __ ] anybody's talking about anymore how can you actually know how can make a decision it's like you know I mean the way that we like okay Planned Parenthood right Planned Parenthood is actually for abortions it's for people who didn't clean [ __ ] out so you don't know if your choices do you think about them just long enough you'll go [ __ ] crazy and this way you got to find a strip would be like [ __ ] explaining this time you know the dark side semantics name I know I know all right get out of here I'm freaking myself out and I'm hungry so I just got here and then I was like I got in the car to take me to the comedy club that's how I got here well what happened with you guys you guys just decide like how do you decide to company why are you two guys right here look at you guys I can't imagine I can't imagine what your story is but I know you like okay how old are you guys you're 19 of course they too young to drink but they just the right age to have a great ass time I have mid-nineteen I can't even [ __ ] explain what that was like it's great I mean I'm surprised me you know I mean I remember it was like I don't know what how can I explain with 19 back how can you have a good to hell that's right you are Australian you can have a good time without drinking can't you have a great time with that drink I do it all the time I was in Saudi Arabia that didn't bring the crowd I had a blast Dave what do you do for fun Saudi Arabia hell I drove it escalate it was 16 yeah it was great know that most working service what oil problem you got to see the believe in Saturday there is no gas station II just - it was great I want to do buy everything this place to buy how is it well have you ever seen the movie Blade Runner it's like that but Sonny there's no robots no problems I was [ __ ] great then there's somebody they building [ __ ] like you went I mean as she look like Legoland I should go late I'm not exaggerating a billboard we driving their check on Highway whatever it is they got a billboard inside of highway let's say we will build your skyscraper I said [ __ ] build my scary [Laughter] yes could you erect the skyscraper for me I saw your billboard we're busy I mean I'm not exaggerating when I was there they were had 212 skyscrapers in production we can imagine what that looks like 212 you know those big construction cranes half of all those cranes that exists on earth was in that city building 212 skyscrapers they would be like if somebody said I'm going to build Manhattan in the next eight months that's what's happening on planet Earth today and another 45 minutes problem they're all taking a break and by they all I mean Pakistanis and Bango accessibility everything has a soft underbelly yes we all survive it you guys are British so you've been everywhere I don't care how obscure places I've never gone as in place and that's a British person it's a mate it's a mate I was in Asia I went to the Philippines Hussein it are you Filipino Oh what's the other hand no my wife is Filipino yeah and my kids you know I put a ring somehow I don't have it I guess when we get together we make we make quite a house together why'd I bring oh I'll tell you why have you ever been in Philippines before okay I went there and I liked the Philippines I was actually you know I I did not enjoy the poverty I shouldn't even bring this up I'd say too sure I was here it's the kind of thing it's like either when your comedian you see something horrible you should just only tell other comedians about it we're their world view I'll tell you cuz you come in all right it's not funny though I'll tell you it wasn't funny and when I saw it I'll tell you it was funny okay so we're driving down the street in the Philippines it was like urban area now I don't know if you have been in Asia traffic not so good as a matter of fact it's horrendous traffic smaller you knows it's somewhat chaotic for me for my American standards excuse me everybody whatever okay you've seen you've seen hood movie picture bad neighborhoods you've heard all these things but you got to see you know real poverty like when an American seizes you can't help a bit holy [ __ ] okay so so we made a couple turns try and get out of traffic and then we turn into it it was like the real world real real poverty what I mean by real poverty well there was tons of things that I saw in that instant like we turn the corner on sometimes like I've never seen any of this [ __ ] before my life one of the things was because there's an urban setting you have to imagine it's a city but it was a guy it one funny means it's not my initial reaction and I need it tell you that but your comedian so please look at it with those glasses this is like that crema moment I was so worried okay we turn the corner and it was a guy walking and he have no clothes on right now this is that happened in New York but but he the way he was walking was a hidden handle closed anyway like one like he was walking to some clothes he had he was walking like I'm naked be so so I know now it wasn't funny to me at all my kids were in the bag Arsenal their reaction to it maybe well they just because they're kids and our liver looks like me the kid and he was naked man and we all right Sox playing the kids listen guys you know this is what the world is like right hey don't you know there's grandmum's from this she's explained to him mom we all explain to the kid like oh oh okay so then we come back to America just like it's like eight days later and we split up kids go back to Ohio so I gotta go to LA text her kids and business with the Hollywood for a minute and then my wife calls me up and she said she's crying I go what's going on she goes she did it I said who did what it's just like Manny Pacquiao he want and I said I was [ __ ] great you know there's heavy she said finally I mean feeling people feel a lot of pride with Manny Pacquiao I wanted it was kind of touching the way she felt and then she said he's gonna give his money to the poor and then I say to my wife and this woman father I hope he gives Boz I got some pansy ballet 20 because it was every weeks later and it was emotional moment and it was so emotional I felt a little uncomfortable so I just had that little joke in there the guy who solving no pants it's matter of fact this shows dedicated that guy [Applause] not just my said I'm dedicating all the Gadget Show I really didn't have anything to talk about see that Barack was right we can do this it's gonna be great America's gonna be great again you'll all see you know you know I only you know what I'm gonna be honest with you like this is the first time I really voted and as I wasn't know how voters I said this might be important something that welcome to the polling place you know what they said sir I've got another one and I said you know assume them a vote for Barack just cuz I'm black and I'm also rich [Applause] maybe I don't want my taxes go up some thanking somebody else please like get a black president come on Dave let's be responsible all right now I'm glad to do it they just raised my taxes this is going to healthcare there to do it you know why because Americans should be allowed to be sick if they need to be I hope you have a good trip here do not get sick in this [ __ ] or you were doomed [ __ ] about our home citizens do you think we're gonna help you learn are you young Paige Hanna babe [Laughter] and I've been the channel and that's all the Great Wall of China have you seen it yet anybody here seen any Great Wall anyway you've been to China are you Chinese oh man he was have been so jealous let's get you guys guys a demilitarized zone that's great I'm a nobody call it what do you guys got in Korea the DMZ right the some some parallel felicia's parallel so thin layer of America protecting who's good did you like the Great Wall it was amazing what you know why cuz it's the largest man-made object on earth that's what they say and she claimed the - look at that it's the only man-made object visible from space I have yet to confirm that I'm still getting my still getting my space money together but it wasn't bad I thought I personally remains because I don't know that the ancient Chinese people actually had no Mexicans like that I'm not saying Mexicans build that wall I'm saying Chinese build that wall keep Mexicans out of chest as a very advanced culture America didn't think of that till five years ago I'm sorry I thought we're gonna build some new Texas let me I know the easy jobs wrong you know and you know what you know if I was if I was the king of world though honestly I would give illegal immigrants just enough legal status so that they could at least get a driver's license and you know I mean call the police if there's some happen you know maybe you can call the police you know how much crazy [ __ ] look how many 100 I'm gonna finish it right there it's almost all right you seen the paper right I shouldn't even bring this up because it's not pointing this is an illustration of where things are headed and you know there's a high incidence of violence at America rice and violent crimes and all these like extraordinary crimes you read about and I personally believe that the reason these crimes happen is because our Paper Chase is so volatile that something about Sun about America is criminal to be poor like you know make you feel bad so bad it's like you got to do something steal something very desperate about our Paper Chase just culturally I'm not blaming the government I'm not blaming but it's just evolved into that now sorry I read them sometimes these horrific crimes will happen in Houston Texas there was a serial rapist which raped by the way is never funny ever the only reason I bring this particular rapist up because those victims were men I'm not joking seven men say can't YouTube business is really seven men in the Houston area came forward and reported this guy which means he must have raped thousands because that is a very difficult phone call for man to make I'm just saying it's not the same way when you get raped ladies there's no hotline or support room for that mangas rape in our culture you just gotta get up walk that [ __ ] over stats don't really care about each other America right I can't explain it but I don't what a British dude do you might marry you know what I mean Houston Texas I know you've been a Houston you that's not the [ __ ] that's that I have dudes go out like okay these two dudes might be best friends right then again I think I'll say hey let's split a came home right he gonna get and his buddy gonna be like he's gonna get out the cave and and before you can get over to Camp care might pull off his buddies wait they don't play that [ __ ] eves he's gonna do that amen cuz y'all sleep a minute tag in the house now flick the porch lights on and off you pull out that we various hey yahuda just waiting for a minute I got in the house last night man we was tired alright [ __ ] little drop everybody off what's wrong with you what's wrong with me last night [Laughter] this is American culture so I can culturally profile these people the victims culturally I could make educated gifts that the victims of these attacks why and that for any other reason except they're black people have such a bad relationship with police in America I don't think they would have called the police I think only white person would feel comfortable enough to make that phone call the way the climate is in America socially you know I'm gonna call it I don't even why neighborhood now my white neighbors called police for everything is amazing hello police yes my neighbors playing their music very loud and I need police intervention for this I don't want to handle this myself it's [ __ ] amazing I've heard black news getting Shalit Oh call Earl quick not a brave mrs. shits gonna it's amazing I just can't see there's someone coming Oh Oh helps you got right man great yeah hey write me that me cell phone man call the police like a foul to report how the police did [ __ ] no matter if somebody in our crew you know how that [ __ ] ourselves complete mean we'll handle ourselves what should I do today we're gonna do we're gonna de neighborhood and [ __ ] some ID and they grew in a bun that's when I walk in hey guys what's going on hey Aaron's got rate rapes pick at me damn yeah man we're gonna go in a neighborhood and [ __ ] one of their crew in the back [Laughter] that's when I had my boys in the hood moment I can't get in that car Doughboy [Applause] hey listen man all right I got kids and I got family I'm famous all right I got [ __ ] to lose okay be waving people every time I want to sell my differences please wait all right this is homes just think about all right look I got some money all right well we just has him some gangstas rape these gas for returns to the gal father we paid him Ganga's off may be driving around ahead Daigle's hey you come in we told he was sick and happy they're gonna come baby wanna buy some crack hey what's going on guys and then they put it now pulls pants then pulling their pants and right before they were able he says Dave Chappelle says hello [Applause] and oh there's opera and my cellphone vibrates hello it's done male rape is on the ladder it's not it's not rape is not funny but it but but it's so bad that it's you know what it's the kind of joke that I would tell in a nightclub but I would never tell this joke on television even though I might maybe I will maybe I will I have mixed feelings about it because it actually happened you know I mean and I want them seven victims to be like Washington [Applause] and then after I did a show on the television and I might be doing a concert or something and I'll be walking in the backstage hey hey hey hey that's [ __ ] awful I know I feel strange about that whole the whole way the whole show was been weird for me but you know I'm doing it for sushi can I have some sushi Marty I'm going to tonight I'm going to have a sushi dinner no I'm going to go get sushi for myself hopefully with some of their money and do you know why because Island a place in America called Ohio Oh how's the great places the birthplace of aviation so they say the Wright brothers built their little plane there our licensed places it's the heart of it all at our state motto is with God all things are possible however I tell you what's not possible Ohio is getting a good sushi dinner because it's too [ __ ] far from the water and that's fish be tasting funny-ish [ __ ] every time I'll come to New York I try to get myself a decent sushi dip and I take picture of it on my iPhone and I send it to my wife for the little caption this is in yo mother [ __ ] face baby and then she takes me back l-o-l [ __ ] you you know we have a funny relationship we really do we have a good relation as matter of fact it's amazing that she's not with him because I depend on my wife so much my kids think I am their brother awful how about hey I was watching TV mom says we can oh that's cry it is crazy I got my own you don't get me started telling other kids you know what time my wife when we argue everybody's sometimes like I'll vent onstage she's not it's not cool it's kind of fair but it makes me feel good and and and one time I was doing that [ __ ] right and that gives when her girlfriends in the audience and text message her and then she come to show with the kids but I didn't know whose early show so within I seen her and then I seen the kids and then you know I had this ego thing so now I feel like woman I bag man cuz the kids are here they're gonna have to learn somehow because now I just don't want me switch my [ __ ] up it was crazy it was it was the wrong decision and my cardinal start soon as you give me a ride home I get in the car and try to play like I'm asleep really I was awake I doesn't want to talk about show ain't no loves awake my son my oldest son bang and I hear his mom what is [ __ ] when I was five I felt awesome and then I handed him my poor wife explain sure Sammy Olsen it was terrible she was like well I feel her looking at me with hatred Bob I was still failing well son [ __ ] is what keeps this family together [Applause] [Laughter] mmm I got so many jokes about kids I'm not ready but it I'm ready for that sushi dinner spicy tuna I can taste it Sam with crispy [ __ ] over there what is it you're probably right tempura flakes oh you were shuffling you just can tell yes good [ __ ] it was really good [ __ ] I mean I like on a restaurant take you though and it'll be like sir pretty shoes like old coffee Olga's I as get into the whole thing like I pretend like I'm I'm sorry little fellas 1 million 19 you got a lot of adventures to get into that city its colony and you're probably too young to remember it but there was a song just about what you guys are gonna do tonight and it came out in the 80s and it goes like this you belong to the city you belong to the night living in a river of darkness beneath some dr lights then there's a saxophone park that's right that's right that's old-school you don't know about music like that you're 19 man it's amazing you don't understand you grew up with the Internet I'm just finish it out I guess satellite television you got a phone in your [ __ ] pocket I don't have a cell phone this big if I talk for more than 25 minutes the back of a good hat you got these apples I'm still impressed by this isn't me I could pull my iPhone out in front of Batman him I could go five years back in time with my iPhone and when I get back in time it'd be like what was it five years ago 2003 okay I go back I go back I go back only in 2004 all right I'll go back in time right and somehow I get access to a time machine now go back a time it's 2004 and I go to somebody go hey oh my god Sonny was a good sushi place I don't really know my way around I'm from the future yeah you are not from the future I am too wavefront and I pull my iphone now say I'm from 25 years in the future they believe but really that bad I got trapped another but only from five years and right around the corner [Laughter] five reasons beaches the rave stuff was funnier day I'm sorry man I thought that yeah I don't know what I'm going through I might melt down like Lenny Bruce on this [ __ ] you've seen him old mini Bruce tapes like first he's all funny and then once they start sucking on that trouble he's I I should melt down on the show how about Joaquin Phoenix what y'all think about me that was bad alright I've watched it and I watched that whole interview and I said to myself Joaquin Phoenix is a [ __ ] genius that was like the greatest press parents I've ever seen in my life yeah that's enough yeah you saw what do you think what he was so what he was not no he wasn't stone with you oh listen I've been had he was in complete control that situation you understand this is how brilliant it is basically what he's doing is resisting every protocol of what it's like to be on a late-night talk show he didn't do any of the banter he didn't do any of that hey good to be here day without new movie coming out didn't do any of that [ __ ] he's a completely different kind of celebrity than I am by design of what he does he's a fine actor so you don't know what he's like only time you see walking in Phoenix he's in a movie pretending to be somebody completely different and he's very good at it so you can't tell what he's actually like so there's the first time he ever stepped out in front of his work and he was like made a point not to be charming at all have you been good what are you working on music what kind of music hip-hop and then my laughs than he goes is that funny I said this guy's a [ __ ] jeans Tim Letterman he was on every publication the next day he was in USA today is crazy everyone was talking about he's a [ __ ] nut he must have been hiring something why can't I read that Julie house this guy is [ __ ] brilliant and you know who the guest won't happen him once exactly who gives a [ __ ] what happen after that Joaquin one check and mate that's the Mel Gibson playbook right there Mel Gibson beat the game easily and a move so weird and abstract I'm surprised no one's done it soon some [ __ ] made a action will be about Jesus check and mate it's no answer to that he's got to twenty million of his own dollars I made an action movie about Jesus and movie grossed over billion dollar he made eight hundred million dollars off a twenty million dollar investment all that he probably made close to a billion dollars of a twenty million dollar in business do you understand what that will do to your life do you understand how much money a billion personal dollars is it can't it's enough money to get pulled over by police in LA County and jump out of the car like [ __ ] Jews what's popping everything who say you can't say it about the Jews I can't face Nick I'm in rehab over that had never happened before and then followed that [ __ ] up with Apocalypto which was [ __ ] that movies great have you seen it dance she does like Mexican Braveheart this is the best shot I've ever seen in my life I was talking like that for a week I got Chuck one away because he made a movie a major studio movie he didn't use one Hollywood actor in the entire movie that's not cheap that's amazing he got he got indigenous people from the Yucatan to me and how it's amazing imagine it [ __ ] just go to the Yucatan no no go in there to cancer movies whenever somebody thong have you ever considered acting job well my name is Mel Gibson and I'm tell you right now if I had a sketch-comedy show if I had a sketch-comedy show I guarantee you I [ __ ] guarantee you I would do the funniest Apocalypto sketch you couldn't even [ __ ] imagine what I was doing I got an angle on that [ __ ] no sir [ __ ] they're so good at my nobody do that [ __ ] Saturday laughs nobody would think of the [ __ ] that I would do and it's so simple it's right in the face you know so funny my wife was talking about this makes me later yeah [Music] [Laughter] listen she say while I say he was never here man singsong if I was she said some worship than that but I won't say what she said that [ __ ] was really funny you know I do hello I'm in on stage right 25 minutes seriously honey think I'm gonna all right one time I did a show right it's not too long ago and I lost track of the time I did seven and a half hours right how I walk out of the comedy club and Starbucks open the Sun was up everything I'm not gonna do that tonight and only reason not gonna do that is because I haven't eaten my dinner my sushi dinner I know you're from England coz I already heard about you know her right there she's from England I know her that black lady right there boy you guys did conquer a lot of countries no good on you mate I'm not hating oh you know black-american do this hold you know my worldview you'll never understand at least that's what I'll tell you when it's convenient you know what I mean three for me listen - now that manual that we know I'd be speaking such a sweet little Spanish no no okay I see Livni a guy you did it's the largest deaf University and the girls was gorgeous Thanks hey what's going on with you I literally studied that [ __ ] it didn't know so I was in Venezuela I was in Caracas speaking the same language this is not him really a joke it's just so thought Association thing some in Caracas and watching TV and they have the bubble with the person speaking sign language and I guess Spanish sign language is different American Sign Language all I can tell you is it's very sexually charged I think she be like this one more time my [ __ ] bag Barack doesn't need this right now and one more cigarette and I leave our promise hmm what time was a Greenwich Mean Time oh I like the way you guys talk like cornets boys you guys don't in stone is this it doesn't mean anything to you but this [ __ ] sounds very different to us do you guys have sushi in there no skinny I know you did I've had sushi in London at no booze over at Hyde Park that's right I have a plan to save the world talk about some strippers help me put it together we will train you kitchen oh you do have a catch train no don't be upset yeah ain't no disrespect and listen if I wasn't me I'd walk out on me sorry no no I'm gonna say anything don't clamp me off that should make me stay this abeam Spike Lee and I got caught with shoes on [ __ ] I don't know hold that cigarette and then I maybe I'll leave I have to a happily so a she's my half-sister in law nice any whales from another country who know you from Australia oh [ __ ] Belgium I don't know anything about Bill no I know you know like I know the waffles and food products I'm just home I don't know about your history Gaza mysterious now that you mysterious but you're not troublemakers do you like that quiet countries there's no Belgium stereotypes I can capitalize you know how the Belgium do no good Belgium jokes here safe you leave the web mean diplomatic immunity I had thought of his nomicon desk or let me get out of here you know sometimes I'll stay on stage and I'll just be thinking so many funny jokes but tonight I can't bring another but did sushi dinner and I know where I'm gonna eat it it to I might go to three different sushi restaurants yeah at this hour tonight what's how was it you probably wonder why I couldn't tell therefore my watch it's broken but it still looks nice it's on GMT I know I know I do like it it's not my favorite though I like the Machado and the Poinsett I know all about that culture okay cane fooling I've been to the barbecues I have all their food and then we go downstairs wall that karaoke machine you know exactly and then we go upstairs pack up boxes instead under Manila hands for everybody I really should do something you gonna make it you two as a couple you're gonna make it no I believe me you know why because I talk like a cynic but I feel like a romantic I believe in love seriously no seriously it can happen do you know I've never cheated on my wife I'm not saying that for a pause I mean but I really should get pause I mean you know I'll be going I've been the all-star weekend in Las Vegas and then she no more yeah how [ __ ] hard it is for a famous person then that [ __ ] somebody to all-star weekend in Vegas listen I'm not bright understand you regular people you have to go out and you got to look for trouble okay I just got to go out that [ __ ] starts happening reminded my business walking through the casino trying to get in my room with guys hey hey how's it going buddy hey we got to go make a brightener before I have to say no these things all the time and young man I had what's called a old-fashioned courtship you know that it means there's no sex involved long phone conversations all night handhold [ __ ] like this yes you know what you know why man because it first you lie are you frustrated don't know why wait long enough me you realize you actually can see the person you think actually like this person that you realize you got something special and it's worth the wait yelling I was [ __ ] other women too homey don't be [Applause] NATO round it know what I've been cheating over for we're all human beings right this happens to the best of us I personally didn't like it as heavens you know you're pretty good Machida no you know okay he's looking like I'm fine I was you know but she knows how to embellish and II don't mean any of everybody doing y'all never been never huh now that you know oh good on you I have been cheated on and I caught the girl in that bed she'd stay that's bad you can't that's it look the only thing for me and we can't imagine how painful it was for me personally the only thing worse than the scene of my own ass and this is just me was fighting a naked man [ __ ] it was gross we had three fifths this unboxing his upper body his dick called my jeans that [ __ ] was really crazy I mean really crazy can I fought the gap like two minutes was discussed he maintained an erection the entire day this is too much was happen that funny that's not funny though I'm sorry though this was the context say things like should I read some poetry don't tell my I'll be talking you know I see my Angelo and I went to a house they didn't show this part on television right you gotta take off don't tell that man's know about are you leaving for real do you want him story it's not all it is is because it's my angel she know what you do see thing is he has if he tells to her right I'm not gonna doing impressions but if you talk to her she can quote literature like she's Maya Angelou what she owes there's a book by man they make it better call it the prince skills the whole diatribe about Machiavelli who he was you know he stole counties me I realized I'm talked to who is America's poet laureate professor of literature and pulled surprised whatever she wanted all she says she says in his book Machiavelli says to the prince he must separate the people and if the people cling to one another and refuse to part then you must picture them as if they were in a pit and eventually they will push one of their own to the top to be their leader and when they do you must grab their hand and fling them to the mountaintop with the villa and if they don't know she says and if they refuse the villa you must cut his mother [ __ ] hell she didn't say that she said you must cut his head off do you know what that means it means I should have taken that fitnah million mouths when I had the chance because you know I don't feel bad about losing that 50 million dollars because what if I have ten million dollars in the bank okay you know the difference between having ten million dollars and fifty million dollars forty [ __ ] million dollars that's right but I had two million dollars in the bank I can go to a restaurant and I could look across the room and I said you see that guy over there he has 500 million dollars we're eating the same thing and my team drives home the same cars and we might even [ __ ] some same girls because I've never heard a girl say I would [ __ ] them but he only has 10 million aunts it's all relative and money's abstract idea anyway I'm serious about that it's out there digitally we're all digital strippers working like holes for digital paychecks go to the bank and try to get all your money out if you can I don't have that much money but if you can I hope that tax break works out for another thing this is Chappelle later but now we're gonna need to make Vogon oh hold on mr. bill there's something wrong with our service that's what you know that you make a lot money baby when they say howdy since you all makes the whole thing makes me nervous all that money did not disappear miss it somewhere you know what I think he is oh she said my mom must be rich mmm believe it hey why do room eggwin just stung me with the momager that is a first in a very long and boring career finally something is I've been waiting for you for so many years I [Applause] knew you would come one day I was [ __ ] great she just hit me with a mama joke and it was all proper British the former's nights I have no rebuttal for you I do know you know what I mean that's like me going to Mike Tyson like hey let's slapbox course I have a rebuttal and of course Mike Tyson could be moonslayer bucks I hope to think that he would demonstrate ah that's a Maximus [ __ ] right there is it what about for the crowd can't dump our that glad is music in my mind when the crowd and you will will you you know that's true though really if the crowd is with me I can get away with a lot of [ __ ] that's why I miss my show because I used to say the crazy [ __ ] on on television I was thinking about it the other day there was a scene in my show and I didn't appreciate this at the time first of all I like rules you'll know personally I've made I've met her and I know we look in the player haters ball sketch we look at it in a photo flippant I say she wears underwear would dick holes it's a silly joke but I remember having a series of phone calls where we argue about whether or not I could say dick hole in that and I remember the late from standard practice call me a date was like yeah she's like you got it she got dick hole I was like great but you'd be so busy you don't appreciate how great of a moment in your life that is I said dick hole on television I was over 30 when I did it no Larry's Robert Kennedy was the Attorney General United States he was 36 years old I was over 30 I said big hold on you're gonna make it kid you too thirsty for her you know I'm good I'm good thirty people sushi dinner some soy sauce I don't know that kind of dude I like looking at other dudes girl for this [ __ ] make me uncommon see the only this is me I'm happy looking at him but now when they together you see that's how I can tell him like I'm not a good-looking celebrity because girls will come with me like real hot girls it'll be like my boyfriend loves you oh great that's them drone the way like NASA's not for me I met this lady she was fine as [ __ ] you know she told me she says my grand child loves you know like holy [ __ ] I'm talking to a GILF actually a grandmother our light sensation [Laughter] she was beautiful amazing can we share Greg I'm comfortable with myself I know what I look like under these clothes not bad and they're good I look like I look like a Kenyan runner you ever seen him Kenyan runners come on when they win the New York Marathon I'm approximately like that naked all right everybody I'm supposed to get out of here governments coughing in the back hey you take care I want you have a great night do me a favor do not tell anybody so I'm just working on my comeback 35 people at the time I don't need it right you're the little crowd that could I don't care about it our ability right now not right now but if itís good I'll do that part I had to give Barack speech - oh hey you going downtown you got a car okay I got one - wanna race this the 14th Street will just race the cool things I'm totally joke my car got driver but he seems like he's covered it yeah : oh I like British people she says he left it here ages ago hey she is bad what hey can I have a coke cola hey she is back - you know what he asked me about you he asked me if I was thirsty for you we've all got a little Jack Johnson to this I'm just I'm this kid you know that listen listen my mouth says racist things my penis is a humanitarian he wants to see everybody to do well do you have any cup of cold oh it is coming downtown at a five-star restaurant with a Japanese chef named Yoshi it's the Japanese ships of man he's up and you coming to Richmond to go you take it out only maybe oh you kept it real okay thanks man little practice [Applause] the Korean lady was like nice form I'm sorry and then I was kid you know you don't want to go cuz I go to you know I go to the Korean sushi place and in LA is a little different good though still Susan what is she the stick this should be like wagon wheel you should listen there's like Thanksgiving for sushi you know what it is you guys are tired and you guys have your own lives but you know what hey man what's y'all want me to do go home and just be by myself and not talk to anybody I'm sleeping in a hotel all right not cheating and if I watch porno movies show up on my bill and my wife knows it's porn because it don't have the title long just as discreet movie David and after you my sushi no I'm gonna do I'm gonna go to the gym and you know I'm gonna do after that get some rest but first know when I travel today and I didn't get my dinner and I'm a little old to be eating top ramen after 6 p.m. the low get a little tired of age for dinner marriage does have its privileges hey three meals a day now have you have you gone all the way across America on this walk about this you haven't gone across the mirgain saying [ __ ] t go across America you know what you need to go Albuquerque New Mexico what's that [ __ ] town El Paso Texas you have in El Paso Texas Oh me yeah check out this country's ghost all right hey see you man okay even to South America to go the jungles on this [ __ ] alright do this go to a state called Wyoming then top left corner Yellowstone National Park one most beautiful places in America I'm serious and there's no cell phone reception you know who I met there no matter I'm trying to give you some of the travel tips oh you're experiences traveling might be a lot different than what it's like for a person like me to travel because I travel and stab I do it right [ __ ] a backpack I've done that before hey you guys take it easy are you gonna smoke you know why I can smoke in here cuz I have an endorsement deal with Phillip Morris I don't drink alcohol change my ways how do you [Music] [Music] thank you hey Rox get oh my god you know there was a story in The New York Times though but about how comedians were having a hard time coming out with Barack no you gotta be out of your [ __ ] better not just cuz he's buying I mean you know I got stuck I'm a joke I'm a joke telling machine I have no choice peanut M&Ms just try out and ask for you get the [ __ ] out of here I'm totally joking I hate to say something cuz I felt I've never done fences you guys would've been doing this [ __ ] for years ago when I had that show [Music] so finicky I don't wanna grow up [ __ ] it I don't I have to I have no choice but inside now you feel young at 19 1919 you don't even know about that [ __ ] it's me whole song about that [ __ ] I think and I think 1980 you know what it was about Vietnam it's in Saigon that was the average age of drafty you know 19 only [ __ ] the eighties were weird remember Max Headroom a it's [ __ ] amazing not really not anymore kidney me up friend I'll MLA Michael Carr with British accent but it was an American car nobody was gonna perish when he was ready to go he just that was cop kids just getting hot in here it's a one-hour television show like that Knight Rider that's right one out you know one time I went on a date with the girls fight attendant and I couldn't tell how old she was she was a 5 to 10 it crazy things happened to the skin and she was black so she could have been anywhere from like 20 to 60 as I asked her of course the day I said how old are you anyway she says David never supposed to a school in her age I should get off you know then I stopped talking about TV shows like I'm totally you ran out and then I asked I trick I say what shows would you to watch you a little she's like I just like to watch Gunsmoke and Bonanza Gilligan's Island come on a nighttime all a night she came on after school yep hey what's that why don't you recognize you that handle needn't do anything wheeze was born tonight when I talk those hammer didn't it no it is also you know why cuz you need to pay your dues I'm still totally John Tully joke I haven't totally joking local means leave you know what happen to be one time I'll just tell you it didn't happen to be actually you know I actually know this didn't happen to me something like this happen to me but I'd say the one that didn't have to because it's funny there's a comic funny comic please new comic and he was bombing on stage one night which is already hilarious you know how that is because comedians no matter how much Trudeau shows is people bomb this point even now I'm not going with worse it goes for us the funnier it is so he was bombing but he was having one of those bomb it seemed some bomb so bad that get thirsty he was blown away bit you had to be there to see it there's the old comedian of the back and he kept going pay your dues as he was having that throat dry bomb he kept saying pay your dues and I mean it is I am bombing there but but this is not ready this is not really bombing like you think I saw babies not doing so well but you've never actually seen I mean there's somebody bombs hey I know it's alright so I don't you know I mean I come in peace if you don't you know you know how it is you're so my boss you've seen some bum so bad should be like our members for the rest of my life okay so listen to this mmm and I'm saying names yes alright some in LA right showcase for NBC so you can man but there's like in LA and network showcases bring all comedians come to audition for major American television station this particular night instead of the steps people normally walk on the stage it was a ramp built and they wheel onto the stage the gentlemen I introduce them ladies and gentlemen please welcome Carl Crazy Legs Fonseca hey Carl Crazy Legs Fonseca : stage they will him up there and I'm not exaggerating it's gentleman and his real person he's incredibly handicapped they said he had cerebral palsy but I mean it was amazing he was very hang rocking back and forth is that so I'm just telling you the audience member it made me feel a little uncomfortable at first then he starts doing his act kiss his first leg who's a good leg single and was even better laugh like by two minutes into his act it wasn't uncomfortable three minutes who was act it was like he wasn't even handicapped anymore I'm telling by seven minutes it was beyond Hank it was like he was standing tall and by eight minutes he was [ __ ] superhuman listen to me I have never don't comment over 20 years that I've never seen somebody before then or since then do this good was [ __ ] amazing I mean he was genuinely silly funny cry sauce going nuts and he finished his show he say thank you very much could and the place [ __ ] erupts I mean I've never seen anything like this good night everybody he drops the mic they will morph the stage audience is still standing up clamor it's [ __ ] amazing he's all the way to bake another la improv he's in the back still going crazy it's like an inner purple ring when Chris walked through the mud and everybody's all in the hall I mean it was frothing at the mouth people loving them on all that hoopla I hate it MZ go he's funny dude I call this a cosmic cosmically Flint no one constantly funny something is that's when something happens in the room and it might not be funny to the people in the room but the joke is actually told by the observer cuz then you say you saw it and in this Flint this [ __ ] was constantly funny so Nick goes along after cop crazies - take a head what I still consider the best set I've ever seen in my life Nick powering on you tell my sitters he had the worst [ __ ] show I have ever seen any committee I'm his mother [ __ ] died the most horriblest death ever I mean it was [ __ ] amazing how bad he did and it was the worst kind of bone cuz one like a loud bomb was just like I could feel hate radiate an audience and you know why he bombed not as Carl so good but because Nick did all handicapped jokes after him it was [ __ ] right he has to be a community and understand how it was so [ __ ] wrong but it might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life like while the whole crowd was like we hate you Nick I was thinking I can't wait to tell somebody about this I remind him by the nose every time I say he went what Karl crazy lady Fonseca whatever you do why you anyway bad decisions honestly though if he did his best I don't even think it had any of that [ __ ] he Noelle's mom at MIT Deena John you know at Medina John the President of Iran Kane in New York and by here first of all he had the worst introduction in the history of public speaking come to the sage this next man many would consider to be a well complete lunatic he diligently pursues nuclear weapons he denies the Holocaust he thinks that homosexuality doesn't exist in Iran please give a big New York welcome jaja or whatever his name is she was often they should a I already introduced Auto Club a yo he's seen his next two going a History Channel he's been on you know CNN Fox News give it a five a teenage on your show him some love Thank You this is painful no missus is [ __ ] hilariously self-indulgent you know what every comics career you hit a stride on the stage where everyone in the audience becomes an extension of your own imagination it doesn't matter if you do good or bad wow what did you want to talk about what did you wish I talked about really I think you did it at least I like your skirt I do I do you know why because there could be asteroid speeding towards Earth right now and do you think they would even tell you ass no they will not tell you [ __ ] just in case of missing what should work every day until the last day today oh it is coming sorry to tell you all what we thought maybe buddy well maybe it might miss we don't want slowly economy then because we got a China Bay hey everybody's got paid chatter Bay and you know it is about Korea miss it against me my Japanese friends say you copy them but I don't believe that you know what let's try to start B and then the rivalry though Japanese Korean the Sony Samsung rival strip would know I have a footnoted my next time I do a show this information was fact check by strip strip was American I don't know it was true you know I went to strip club in England and Soho I don't know street closing worth any price but at that time I did and because I was around 1919 this is a true story it's not even in you know an age of Morocco's we saw out of context but just officially so I go to strip club and it's empty isn't your so homemade I get in there's like me and another comedian and like two other kind of shady looking dudes and the room is real small just kind of sitting there and nothing's happening like nothing and then I don't remember if they had a speaker system or a boombox for like a girl rushes in she's wearing like street clothes she runs to another row but she comes back comes back in a not like a sexy stripper suit but is like a Jane Fonda workout leotard kind of thing like this one-piece swimsuit stock it's actually happening so we're sitting there with these two shady ghast and she she put some mat down like a yoga mat tightening and she looks as if she says I'm not gonna take my clothes off I'm just gonna do some exercises this goes on probably for I mean literally she's actually exercising right in my face and this goes on for maybe what seemed like forever was probably about good five minutes you know I'm not good with time till it's coming out I can't tell my Maya she's exercising and it's going on and back in these days you smoke a lot of reefer and I could find refill in any country so I had weeding England I smoke and I'm I started to laugh it's very small room blasts I live in control because I like this is [ __ ] hilarious it out of me it wasn't sexy at all it wasn't any fantasy and it just was like this weird sad portrait of a woman exercise in the front of me it was [ __ ] crazy so okay I'm laughing he had to eat I don't know if this is even funny it's like watch named sighs all right she's got serious I saw laughs and she gets man and she's and she stands up but you have to picture how bad this is using Jane Pauley not alcohol it was so fun witness a little harder and I say there's a big bounce around the corner I go Hagen we get another stripper mine is a racist she had to be that was very fun and then they ended up kicking us out like we won't believe anyway but it was just something about what time is it what's almost what five and five minutes imma leave imma walk offstage you know no no I'm gonna leave because there because the place is still open until 2:00 so I'm gonna go there but if all right you know why because in New York you can do anything so late at night you know you know I may write me out of been sleeping and series I'd be probably sleep alright maybe you guys dressed it well this stinks it does nesting I'm actually having fun and the more comfortable you feel the stronger it makes me [Laughter] I was like you guys are 19 and you just like what y'all gonna do after this the hostel you live in a hostel Oh [Applause] where you from why it's a great city and let me tell you something you're strippers would have never done that to me that was great I mean it is it yeah Montreal made my career I'll tell everybody they're just for Lance vessels [ __ ] [ __ ] fantastic you staying in a hostel to all of you I saw a porno movie like this hostel where is it how much does it cost you will will you don't worry about a thing might I got a whole hostel full of [ __ ] I'm scared let it mean say that yummy now need to get your legs and move hostels their own hostel wow man that sounds great what are the beds like so hot Bobby it's hot girls and bunk beds you love you though and pull me out all by myself then I say is Four Seasons nowhere arm state but there will be some sushi murder yeah I can't believe this happening I can't believe this I can't believe that all you guys are staying at a hostel in this guy's little you know you can't see yourselves from my perspective I'm looking at this long and stable look like the Last Supper [ __ ] he's like the jeans I'm totally joking I know these jokes these jokes think I'm out I should go house is a class trip what school was College okay we call that college here it's the same thing here right in the college and the university is the same right what's the difference between college and university college don't give PhD oh these are the can of nuances that only why people pay attention I'm going to university Cambridge you oh you guys go to Cambridge oh I stole a bicycle there bro that [ __ ] over and I put it back but I did I did take that [ __ ] for a few hours cuz I was hanging out with some Belgium's what do they call you guys Belgium's Belgians I call them Belgium's I'm sorry you know the Americans we all know by how you guys gonna fight I'm gonna stay on the argument again Amsterdam it was crazy it means I don't wish for me just how many languages do you speak I was like excuse me oh yeah after that sounds like a hamster thing how many would you speak language you speak say I speak I'm from America I can get on a plane and fly for six hours from one in my country to another and speak one language the entire time because that's how we roll I said and you speak English so what is the [ __ ] problem it was small that we because you guys are how to speak at least five languages over there everybody speaking I'm glad you got that one money yeah that's good we live in Australia English is not your language anymore you know what because black Americans got a hold of and tweaked it we did we tweaked that [ __ ] I was watching the news today and they were talking about the bling at the Oscars and I was like really boy you made that silver we made that up yourself why folks he did [Music] this is like a bizarro world take it easy fellas this is like a whole new the whole world inside out it is all the image reasoning [ __ ] crazy I live in a bubble that's what they do they do that in England - hmm they put celebrities in the bubble I've seen Amy Winehouse and British tabloid have a saying we might want to rethink that rehab now I've never looked at celebrity me like I'm worried for you but she actually she literally like gonna take a lot to worry Mel's like you need help like I would she doesn't know me she probably only know I am but I was staged an intervention you just read about it in tabloids black man breaks an egg white house home smack in the face they stopped doing drugs and snuck out a window no no this one's special I don't know I'm here for the peanut y'all we're all in this together I'm gonna get you guys through the experience of spending this much time with you going downtown for real you're gonna do a set I'm gonna do this I have other things important things that should be doing but well you know that goes hmm so she sounds better right and I need to eat whatever I do seriously I got a tennis game tonight I love this [ __ ] let me tell you something they have that in Australia too you guys got everything we got now Shane ain't no fun being from him every plays the same we should no fun anymore Cal Ghoulie cow going what's so great about Cao GUI so great about that he said there's no sushi in Caribou that sounds awful I'm the calvarium have sushi up per se anything like Australia is so crazy getting kangaroos let me tell you something that is probably the most horrifying and why in my [ __ ] life I saw a television I did not like the way she look she look like a rat with a pouch with a smaller rant and it's done and a baby being their palace and this [ __ ] is disgusting me you [ __ ] creepy I am I have have are they friendly okay wait a minute wait a minute wait a [Laughter] [ __ ] disgusting a kangaroo smash you come and I heard they box like this no seriously I heard a Leanback when they tails it's [ __ ] crazy not me you might be out of now [ __ ] that kangaroo look everybody I'm s magic on that must be wheels what have you diggin that way they can kill you with them strongly his feet [ __ ] crazy could you imagine down like that cuz you imagine if they Dave day that kind of thing it's arrow haven't I rang again no I can't guru giggling his stomach is dead [Laughter] so [ __ ] creepy and I no way their hands be little like this [ __ ] disgusting it looks like a rant with another rent within that with a small red no yes it'll catch a rat in the end the other if see them ransom may be eaten and then she grows ever seen even something that they don't want to run away from they just look like well I live I got like deers raccoons he knows uglies you seen opossum they don't got those in England do that she's a [ __ ] ugly they look like and it look like a rat that just woke up this hair be all matted and look and they can they can't see her they're Nocturne so yeah I'll Drive my headlights of me off I'll be this close to maybe later [ __ ] nasty yeah they're gross we got lying I was like that imir you guys have got to see the real American under stay in a hostel in New York and see new Yorkish it's just like London but new seriously you know London is like so old we good it cuz they're you know says Engels old country you know I should still got you know [ __ ] as new but if you go in the middle of America you'll see some shitty you've never imagined fat people the scenery you gotta go for the senior this canopy we got it you know busy and like it'll look the same if you okay say you take like where are we with New York okay take route what is it 80 take 80 then you take 80 there's 71 71 to 72 interstates and it's a straight shot everything looked the same from time you get on 72 get to Kansas once you get the Kansas the whole country flattens out then at the Kansas the end of Kansas you start seeing Hills Nagin to Colorado this is when the [ __ ] starts getting real good no seriously because before that you're gonna be on 70 you gonna go to Indianapolis and go to st. Louis a lot of barren cornfields get to Denver then you start seeing mountains [ __ ] like that right and then you take 70 cut north go up through Iommi everything's empty you're gonna see number mountains and gay cowboys it's just a moment you get the lstoneham you go yell stone they make a go to 80-something your bangle ad you'll go through what's named it at stake idaho just go get gas before you get there and do not stop so you get to Salt Lake City Salt Lake's not bad stays all day for one night Salt Lake you can make it all the way to Vegas once you get the Vegas almost all the way across the country you just got spend the night in Vegas and do acid and if you can get out of that and anything one you can see LA but once you see in Vegas on this and what else you need sit you can kind of just fill the rest in it's all downhill from there I think you to Route one you drive a ruin of the western coast of United States and I challenge you Brits to have anything in your country they look half as good as a West Coast for that you can't do it and don't feel bad America can't even do it only the west coast looks like the west coast that's true right even with us it is great sunshine you know I'm just jealous cause you guys are British I'm a nationalist I'm sorry you know a black man started of American Revolution about what you might call civil war Crispus Attucks there was snowball British soldiers and they shine in Boston black man's first experience with the disproportionate sponsored police [Laughter] so actually hey other questions cuz I really gotta get this then I got about 25 minutes to get all the way downtown and I got a order my suit yeah I think that's the least I can do would you trying to speak transmitting hostile money one of the most expensive cities an old Newark so I'm not sure where you should go but I know who knows oh come on is everywhere go see something truly New York go to the 24-hour Apple Store that [ __ ] is great any place with kangaroos and no strippers I have no interesting that sounds much better give me a seizure and I'm on my way Cal goon oh here you go I'm her majesty enough it's James Bond movie no thank you I can't believe you guys sadly this entire show and you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna make t-shirts for people who can survive my show and I'm out Megan so they won't even be shown any way notice gonna be it's gonna be an endurance contest between me and my audience but can't do that in concert the concert I have to have an act here little no Constance here always isn't here comedian what happens if you tell you jokes and nobody laughs nothing happens absolutely nothing and that's the beauty of my dad was really no risk scenario and I'm sorry talk though your time look but I'm only coming around like Halley's Comet I'm never here it's just your first two years doing comedy three years from now I'll be a has-been it'll be a wide-open playing field they'll be like who seriously did you know what Oh [Music] [Applause] konichiwa do I know how to use chopsticks sheep yeah but I still wanted to go because I wanna I gotta hold the ritual I need green tea I'm skin that was very nice no she's from England too but we actually post her she's an American citizen they are she yeah that's right she gave up health care and all those good things come live amongst us how you liking it how we treat you with different kinds of people us Americans are in New York will eat theirs but in the of the whole nother [ __ ] even if you watch the local news but she might not have in the hostel but they always say this thing and the thing that gets on my [ __ ] nerves actually because I don't live in New York anymore that was like and now for a look at the world beyond New York great go [ __ ] [ __ ] and now we're look at the world being on New York don't tell him that don't telling it beyond New York cigarettes are six dollars cheaper gas is affordable you can buy a house for less than a million dollars outside of New York you can't buy an apartment you know average price of apartment who's been here 1.2 million dollars maybe not a lot of pounds that's a lot dolls yeah okay New York is expensive is you know how much pega see Wisconsin is funny nine dollars for a pack of cigarettes [ __ ] yeah and you know how much coach riders that way when someone tell me because I don't read something that's right you've missed your first black elitist it's great it's no it's great you know why because all of them things with eight dollars secrets a [ __ ] don't affect me that affect people smoke anyway I travel I bring cigarettes from them as well and they get a cheap I can't roll them she's right ready maybe paying cigarettes and make it snappy catching a flight of America Sarah we have charged extra for speed it's gonna be 11 cents ah I bought a mansion in China do you know how cheap a mansion in China was four hundred and seventy two dollars it's made out of Legos Oh because they make toys and make poisons toys poisons milk a little poisonous Lego house nothing ok best [ __ ] I've ever the house made poisons though and bring your sexy ass up here zone everybody we have a visitor to our great land and she celebrated our birthday I got a story for you Anna how old are you 21 well you know what this is somewhat of an event for me here have some birthday sushi that way if they poison me animal die no I'm just gonna bet and you know you know I was gonna tell you you look nice tonight what I was gonna tell you is I had my 20th birthday in your country well kinda I was in Edinburgh but that counts as Scotland hey does it count all right I shouldn't say it this year and then I have my 20th birthday in Scotland it was it was great it was cold and it was August which I thought was a little strange it was at that comedy festival you know it was so crazy they were the Edinburgh Festival and that guy emo Philips was there you know how cold it is an emo Philips said this country is so much more advanced than America it's already November yes it's like the only joke that I didn't tell that America hope it was very fun and then some girls from Spain made me a turkey I've had adventures till I've lived I was around your age and then later on I came to the house and stunk like holy hell I thought that a mouse must have bad and then then I realised that we left it stanky as turkey in the oven and then it just rotted yep and back then I had a CD player and I just brought Cypress Hills only see the airhead with so all the trip I kept listening it I wanna tell you how so it's before ringtones before using here in song all that have to second was to it yep hello sushi I'm still going that damn do you speak Korea have you ever been occur so you've been a career okay because I did a joke I want I meet this girl right the girl is in Ohio she claims to be a pop star in Korea which I thought was hilarious I mean she's but she's like you should she gonna have like necessarily any kind of actually she's probably born here in that states some Swiss of events I say he I did not believe she says I'm only YouTube she's not saying it so I put my see right now so I youtuber and she was there and like a - a child tag group but everybody's Corinne and they saying like Korean R&B song right he had to be there it's like a bar joke so that I start saying all these jokes about how they had it going after the military because it was in the stadium of it alright girls you're up after the milk there cuz you know how this thing is five-time I see Korea on the news there's a military parade she's funny for an American cuz that's the North you're probably right that makes more sense you know America we don't do that kind of show we just like take our word for we got weapons trust us snow we go we got some [ __ ] USA we gangsta NATO don't forget no forget who we are we are armed to the teeth in this [ __ ] it's in our condos is in our Constitution our national anthem is a war song and the loans the flags all right there's no as long as our flag is still there it's true we did we like war in America we're good at it everyone's got an export sample we export heartache we recycle people sushi anyone would you like some American sushi you sure that's American sushi it's made out of actual Japanese people that we killed during second row pretty damn you haven't I'm just I'm telling Jeff tell a joke so we did it this was so crazy about being an American we did it and then we considered a good thing we firebomb Japan and dropped two atomic bombs on them just to see what would happen oh [ __ ] they work the rest of you countries can't say that can't and don't let Iran even try to get a toaster oven we will bomb them to the end of town I try to toast just trying to toast my babe [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] the brats here change all that Barack as a much-needed facelift for our foreign policy all these things so much better come from black there but you can tell you oh come on man you don't wanna share with me because I'm Brandt okay you see I like this he says she goes that's exactly what you know what it's like we both joking when we both have serious no no I know this playing with you but I would share with you know why because I'm not seriously I like saying racist jokes was this part of my culture but I thought he was talking about me I bet anything holy sitting there get a weird for his neck he's like I'll give it a tribe's like really on that little tryout listen I'm not gonna force my sushi down your throats I'm totally joking I'm crazy I don't know what eaten sushi was someone just handed to them no I'm a risk taker I'm just gonna do what they're gonna have some more soda she called me baby I should turn she turns me on I like sexy talk you only 21 you only you know what sexy top singer I haven't tried yet she's still young 21 you know how much you got a pretty young girl 21 that ASA's you put you there guys she might giggle she might get my choker it's not you know I wouldn't never pull my dick out like that those days are over that's how I stop drinking when I pull my big out of New Year's party I was drunk it was like five four I was appalling what about pull my dick out like that like oh [ __ ] is out it's embarrassing I had to make all new friends so tired hey we'll the time you get perfect means I will get this sushi at the buzz oh the last thing it's gonna be making that last row know what I like all right gang you literally haven't this never happened before you're literally wearing me down I thought I would have broken you by now what powers are fading too too much to him up and he'll sleeping and you got me with the Mambo joke I really should get you back before I go but I can't do it some imagination I know that I probably like what makes you doubt that I'll get embarrassment oh you like look at the British Lisa Lampanelli yeah I know I know I was she's an American insult copy but it's funny because she's kind of baby but these gobble these guys like probably know a person but she calls herself the queen of mean but I think variable means just wanted to be here troops start up your senator doing that hustle sighs playing uno with all these people I know what goes on in those plates you guys think I'm asleep awake and you think I don't know but I do know I'm gonna tell you something that my surprise he you everything that I say everything that I say is the truth and that is a lie and that is the truth think about that [ __ ] for governments I just want to see you light up again when I see you use from the hospital everything you should have a new day but back with smoking years ago you will have to ask the management technically we're closed right you say I can smoke on stage because it's actually considered to be part of my leader and tonight it's part of my act she could smoke with no say you sit right there but I have to lie to pull you otherwise 'silly oh and what's your name Leisha good to meet you li CIA there's major there's no CIA in it I haven't having a lot of strange coincidences recently oh wait wait watch you hear please I don't wanna burn you hear this [ __ ] adjust no no problem unless you feel good and exhilarates smoking inside yeah you can't smoke in English they banded in a year I thought there would be a [ __ ] war cigarette he's smoking Korea indoors I'm on the way is it expensive South Korea visit it can I rent a flat how much 1500 a month one bevel sable we pocket change I'm on the way is it hard to hook up those plants ranching bit just like regiment Fed yes I'm sorry I did that these the lights are bright you comedian orange use the regular gas ages welcome to Street I'll use a bartender if one of the bars around here and you look on that little TV screen in the fire you you saw me you were like I haven't seen this episode and you know how to live he walked right in the doors like I'm just gonna get a glimpse of this dude sir you are witnessing right now something that rarely is seen me Bobby huh are you wrong do otherwise let me tell you something my favorite comedy tape is Richard Pryor is still smoking have you ever seen this at The Improv in Hell's Kitchen about 40 minutes long it was the crowd was freaked out he started to show he's a little nervous I had done the cocaine all day this is insane he's not doing these routines about his mom second peoples dig something just like his prey you ever seen this and then he say I mean he he said crazy [ __ ] it is weird isn't it he says he says when that tape he says he says never let a [ __ ] suck your dick cuz they'll tell and the crowd you say this is a weirdest it was so [ __ ] weird thing I like about the tape is this okay so he does all these routines he bombed you can tell he was kind of nervous cuz I mean he'll say something real crazy he'll be looking there he'll say something crazy look up there I like to see what it does to him stops freaking them out I can tell you is even freaking himself out which happens was good though right and then at the end they showed a list of all the jokes you remember this part you say there's got to it and it's like a list of jokes and his handwriting some words and misspelled and [ __ ] dammit every joke on their list became like when his famous routines but you could tell was like the beginnings just working it out and it's just stuck why am I telling you that because I need you to know that Houston rapist [ __ ] is [ __ ] around I was telling male rape jokes tonight sir you missed it I just jokes about bombs bursting and eating sushi made out of Japanese people I was saying like really crazy stuff I may be useful the Brits don't think so your comedies a little different just a little bit when I go to Britain I have to do like they like they like a little more thought of preparation me you guys got a little more powers to use I think so no who's your top comic writer I remember Lee Evans from my 20th birthday party he was at the Edinburgh Festival a year and he won the Perrier Award the end he was into something about Mary movie smashing he was funny but he's not he was a guy number one guy fake like he was handicapped all right that's that guys actually British he played an American the movie work Hey his name is Lee Evans but his act is very physical like to an America you wouldn't laugh so much well you know Americans like guys like Russell Brand like crazy we like craziness we like people to say crazy [ __ ] whoo yeah your comics like to act more and if American comes they'd be like you're fake and Australians you guys are more like us as far as your comedy sensibility cuz you're a penal colony Thole joke totally joking sir none of them [ __ ] you a penal colony I don't know if that's true and I was her it isn't where we apena colony I heard that about America's that true that America was a penal colony and we just rewrote our history no your pilgrims colony no whose holy ruin well what have we learned in last few hundred years I think we've learned that starting a country is a messy business just requires a lot of hard work you shouldn't do yourself she was important some Negroes listen systematically dehumanize them I'm just kidding they did happen that happened I'm sorry everybody that happened and I have an entire mini-series to back me up and then main series called roots and you can probably check it again [Music] Cornie my brother he is it's the thing we do it's actually funny to say that we do that in my house we call out characters from roots and my brother I'm Chicken George and I say I'm Kunta and it's kind of fitting you know why because Chicken George was a strategist for chickens and via his chicken fighting skills managed to get himself free and his family free I'm Kunta the runner I'll come back for you I'm gonna get caught and I'd be like I wasn't come back but I got caught anyway so and I guess my sister would be like Kizzy remember kids kids he was right on the table and he's maybe she can't read they used to be illegal for black people to read in America did you know that it's true even now Barack Obama has a sneaking read [Laughter] way too bright trying to look over these bills with trying to read the bill about repealing the law about me not reading these bills I'm just kidding those laws are long gone you see young ladies our Constitution was an amendable document they changed with the hearts the people so we thought that's why that's what they said don't you know anything about American history anything you know Benjamin Franklin was OMA oral history is mainly American world history still on the top so can't stop won't stop America that was way after 9/11 America was like puppy what would they don't want to see you shine haters good America our cars seen better days with the residents all right she gather through the Jaguar thing but have you ever drove an American muscle car do you know the joys of a Dodge Charger - generally even the horn was racist it was oh you gotta be from America these jokes are there Pontiac we build excitement and don't get me started on them Belgian cars cuz you know that you know how the belt you know how to do I don't want to be offensive but everybody know about the Belgians I like English I do I'm more than like English great hmm no he's sounding way better than that you sound better than me big man bang and all the rest of us that can't talk like you but there's just a couple things that you don't have as good as this there's only a couple hip hop music you'd haven't caught it and I hate to tell you this you never hit show I didn't matter Ned's onra and he never had a Richard Pryor you your country could never produce a Malcolm X nor would it nor is he necessary America is a panic country that creates the necessity for us dissenters kills our dissenters and then celebrates and then we'll never have any angle now with no black Malcolm X no black nationalist huh what's a race dinner damn race days oh we don't have roasted miners' well let me tell you something we don't want rose event we want sushi no listen listen listen alright you guys dress better maybe not in New Yorkers but you dress better than most of America but you don't have good food like we get thank know every time I'm in England I'll be eating the Pakistani restaurants Jamaican restaurants and every time they hear every turn I know you guys would be like would you like seven haggis [Applause] alright it will you shoot it okay Braveheart gotta remember Braveheart yeah that lad exists in the hearts of people you know I once met a girl and she tells me I said we reaffirmed she says well I'm half Honduran and half Nicaragua how's a goof you should take the lands on a map seriously right like we're saying I'm half from Ohio and a half from Michigan this thing like it's not a bit far away although I didn't meet somebody from Cardiff right and I could tell he was from someplace that wasn't he from garden I did a show in Cardiff I went over that bridge and everything I've been all over your country live Poole Manchester Birmingham Brighton London nah bath shower everywhere hasn't made a place is bad I remember that place you live by bail oh you do call it BA and when you dare golf you call it wanking what a column girls do you call it tossing a sample you see one of them things you just push it aside okay that's a good jerk-off Joey did the whole room sets up hey where you going this gave it to us off that's good I wanted you to say that so very because they were just things to do this well this is how we relax in the mirror we talk dirty and dark giggle about know we're free here now they can go to the bathroom let me tell you what else you can do you can take your shirt off and America I'm just kidding sorry I'm getting a little desperate Suze your spots closing only I have important of literally important things doing that and this is just I can't a and--which far the suits them you know what because we're does this is I'm I just think it's great and I will deny that I was over here so my reputation will be attacked my reputation [Music] I know I learned I you know you could be my British girlfriend I got a spot you you'd be a good candidate because you defended me and that's what house hound me of my wife first don't let me take sup thank during our courtship right our sex is courtship I still have all these schemes of how sleep with me one of the schemes that I was invited to a show this is pretty harsh story I said I'd invite her to a show and then I allow her with my bla bla bla bla bla didn't a man harass him girls but the plan went horribly awry I was at Caroline's sorry Brando Clovis what was a some kind of weird function there that night and I was happy by a lady wanted rich ugly sad women cold rich white lady and the only reason I made she's white was relevant to the story is that in the course of heckling me would she have a man really mine but you gotta remember you gotta remember circumstance I got a girl there I'm trying to impress and I'm a lying younger and and of course heckling me she called me a monkey we write which has his weird racial overtones and you know again now even if that happened to me now I don't think that it would not as much to me as it did at that moment at that moment I was like fierceness here I was dead oh and I [ __ ] flipped out I'm Jeremiah write it out on it I was just like yo he shaved monkey down is it black or white answer the question it's like going all crazy and as am yelling at her I see my girlfriend and my wife [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] was the door so now real embarrassed and she's walking close the door she walked right over to the ladies tape and she leans into her ear like a whisper and she says you are [ __ ] [ __ ] real last and we screamed it in her ear and I was gonna stay like oh my god I'm falling in love little did I know that years later all that anger would be directed at me life life has a funny way you know which is like I say you could be my bridge go because either Finn she wasn't pissing oh no what does that mean taking the piss we're already cause my sister loved think of me my other bridge go all you have to do is plant a flag in something in as yours if history has if history has taught us nothing else and that's why America owns the moon you guys can enjoy our Moon you're welcome to look at it if you're gonna go to the moon you're gonna have to calls in advance yes you can't impossible oh oh you hate you haven't you have a part of the Moon in your house okay there is actually property the United States and now you're gonna have the return that means I know how you acquired a chunk of our moon but you're gonna have to give that back we lost American taxpayers and we've got to pay China back and that little moon rock is part of our business plan yeah it is some kind of creative other than tomorrow I don't know why the way all started at you when waiter was this don't you feel lucky sometimes we look at the moon wife [Music] therefore say leaders it's useful to where we have hmm it does control the tack this one nobody [ __ ] with us like your [ __ ] Oh what you making the toast nothing says I'm at dinner at the beach are you at the beach [ __ ] moon is powerful that's right chose the tax it's something else the moon does they said it has cheese in it baby scientific fact this might actually be my heart what if I wasn't supposed to be [Music] that's a government I was a friend of man from a home in the country he's in GMT I do know famous people that I know my phone book famous people give me their nose having prank-calling people this point I rehab anyone super famous rappers I don't even know I don't call wise people so none of these numbers are good I'll show her because she know how I know people I got your mama's number in here too but it's not under her name is under don't pick up [Applause] i scale no your mother no I'm just joking right we all love our moms except for him anew well we know because he told me that directly told me on the record that my friends from Korea leave can I get a right no boy you up down there I'm going uptown let's get I'm not going up there and I'm going west oh my gosh wait a minute this might work out hey where are you going I'm stovetop I've stayed are you really roommates and what about you I was you live with in to begin this year will be this too much he made a little hostile [Applause] [Music] and by the way I'm joking I respect you I respect you a womanís whatever that is to you no I'm serious I says the most [ __ ] up joke the other night till my sister and I wish I could remember and I was no one messes with my wife no it was funny though it was movie Unforgiven yes it's moving Clint Eastwood supposed to forget in the movie there's a base cut up and then the gap brings their horse and she goes a horse a horse she goes we might be [ __ ] but we're not horses she said we might be none but [ __ ] but we are not horses that was my wife and I said she's a feminist okay someone has never won I said sumo I see those fun no she said we might be [ __ ] we're not [ __ ] it baby she's feminist that was work it's a cowboy movie that's why that's fun it's old old ancient history is old America peace where're you going where're you from oh you're American sorry everyone talks so funny in here I'm starting to go a little crazy just asking well hey you know say are you going uptown to the west side wait with my friends would you what you guys all get home safe together I can't believe this is happening I might actually do it I had a golden ass I'm gonna walk this entire room so crazy and I've noticed you before was she here before oh sorry that's a weird film you see people coming badly conceived Oh No thank you or actually I can't believe that you guys stayed through this whole show hey what's your names anyway Joan what sherry is Jenny would my say it again my gling gir are you an actress I would say if you are keep that name Jenny mag linger my linger I said it right I know zoom what is it Desmond all right this meeting is adjourned you guys supposed to do the British here I've watched you a House of Lords on the c-span this is the craziest-looking Congress of people I've ever seen whether they hug each other did you say GG Wow there was a check here Jo Kim Jin my linger miss Gus man I'm sorry miss Gusman oh I'm sorry miss gasps me I just had to say that I'd like to sign a titty ball I'm just kidding it's been like you gotta know a regular piece of paper blank piece of paper I can't sign an American dollar because there's so few right now what we need hey every desk right now we're really trying to keep our money Barack speech had me inspired that's now I appreciate you know I appreciate well it's funny ways I have no plans maybe one of these that you know what I like is in there only reason I don't go there more I'll because so expensive and I have been work I got paper what's your name again al e i L don't touch the science [Music] yeah they stole me with a piece of paper no you know it I calls it I call people religious but not just women here men in with something that's funny oh oh wait a minute do it right let me pull out my penis instead this [ __ ] on this dear [Applause] finally a closer no you can't find that last joke and then the lady I was like hey oh yeah yeah I got bling baby you know the only thing worse than getting walked out on by a crowd is signing for and I'll do that cuz I have that much [Music] hey will are you really thinking you got to go to university Southampton okay [Music] somebody without him hey oh I'm sorry about that no no thank you keep smoking there mr. BAE baebae guess that all right gang give some rest no and enjoy the Sam we've been wondering let her finish I'm sorry Louie thing well this meeting of the UN is almost adjourned it looks like the Brits are walking out on my peace plan but Leland wants to have a secret meeting right Leela 94th Street Oh guys I get some sleep oh I let it sit too long sushi is like a fine Japanese food always been hated by Japanese food [Laughter] never mind I won't eat fish that's it it is much better than television and we can see each other no only on television affiliate a crowd got unfair advantages they can see me but I can't see them this is much better so you guys traveled all the way from building ago Oh seriously did you really man tell the truth tell true you matter here I mean you having a great trip finally I was waiting for you get back bones I call it all cool people phones by the way you know why cuz I'm Richie and everyone's click I just want to find a click where I can be Fonzie where's your hostel you know what I almost would give you right here how so except it's a little gay let's get now yeah we you know what even even if you guys are staying at the gate hostel another fun one online to 4th Street I'm just kidding yeah whatever I'm totally Joe I ain't no homo hey how are you alright hey what's happening man man I'm gonna do it tonight but it's good though no I'm good I mean you know you know what when people ask a question like that sometimes I hesitate this is me that I'm doing bad it just means that I have to take a minute to separate myself from the rest of the world so I can figure out how I'm doing and that answer how we're doing we're kind of [ __ ] up who are you from oh you New Yorker corner 8 will you will you born it strong family Wow sound like buzz the rounds was witnessed romance hey where you from yeah LA girl yeah Oh dis San Diego I don't have so much experience with that say I went there before with it it was monster I killed a whale on earth and I didn't know was Earth Day and I didn't kill my Pervis is a long story only what about you man seriously you have your [ __ ] real that's a rare thing to be what part this is like your most familiar stomping ground it's changed named Hanson can I quote dr. Drake will say things are saying the same for games I love quoting hip hop music quote a hard rock song and I'll call it hip hop there so let's go back and forth chop your breakfast on the mirror that's a hard little chop your breakfast on a mirror you know what's so funny that there has never been an openly crack-smoking where ever we will have like a rap lyric put it chop your breakfast on a mirror holy [ __ ] I can't top that one there you go okay how about this thinking of a master plan ain't none this wet inside my head so I think to my pocket all the money is spent I dig deeper still coming up with left so I start my mission leave my residents they can happen I get some dead presidents I need money I used to be a stick-up kids so I think all the devious things I did I used to roll up just hold up none funny stop smiling still in the move with the money that's my favorite we have this means we're gonna murder rappers talk about all kinds of [ __ ] new because the truth is always in a rap music listen 99 a rap group NWA team our song called [ __ ] police they've made this song they got put on FBI watch list police paternity [ __ ] hated their guts everybody hated it get how you make a song called [ __ ] police two years later short several hundred days guy named Ryan King gets the [ __ ] beat out of him on la freeway and everybody was like oh that's what they were talking about but nobody listened when they singing but rebels always talk about what's gonna happen what happen when they hug the ponies whoa a rock band see is the sentiment and then it made everybody's grab me to say everything everything is gonna time to get paid blow up like the world trade cover that global warming this is why I'm high this is why [Laughter] without them you know why if it's rock music it was rap music it was whatever music you listen to artists are the truth you know why because everybody gets information but only artists can interpret information on an emotional and an intellectual level simultaneously they can make you think and feel about something at the same time no matter what kind of music it is that's why whenever a society goes through this turmoil and the government wants to repress the people they always go after the artists first always always always but if you tell [ __ ] jokes you say she's only gonna tell no political [ __ ] jokes a political [ __ ] joke all right so I'm [ __ ] Nancy Pelosi I know that sounds like but she does have some she hasn't Sarah Palin yes or no no I like this guy's standards he's like yeah yeah yes no that's the thing we need to see I like that though you don't like because if you can imagine yourself having sex with a woman like this do you know that means that means that you look at powerful people as people oh I'm sorry I misinterpret you here is that it means you'll [ __ ] anything are you a musician for you okay will you play rock guitar a 10-buck you tend bar and you play rock guitar do you know what that means Wow holy [ __ ] that's your best friend yeah that's true it means all those things it also means you have an excited one pretty good it's an exciting way you play music hey even when you bought anything you get to talk [ __ ] oh that's great he is a girlfriend are you in the band and the tambourine player [Applause] [Music] Stables ice cold no man oh thanks you know we met my friends from Montreal hey you speak for each other are we from Tita Vancouver you from Vancouver you're from Russia now I got a quote Rocky for [Music] that's good he did you live in Russia really you missed the eighties you know this Russia let me tell you a little in America in the 80s we used to make movies and talk about Russian so bad every would call Red Dawn I didn't you gotta rent this movie just to sit it's a it's a welcome piece of propaganda man you know what the movies about it's some kids in the high school right famous school hanging out all of a sudden parachutes start coming there and the Russians invade America I'm telling they made a movie it is the most ridiculous [ __ ] ever so then like the Americans have a rebellion against the Russians in the Vegas its how it will never happen that's called Red Dawn and you've gotta rent it and you you will be laughing [ __ ] hysterically especially being from Russia you're gonna love that [ __ ] I mean gonna hate it but you're gonna hate it so much there's you're gonna love it and then and I'm tell you that you know what cuz they're remaking it because this time is the Chinese it's gonna be a billion parachutes they took you to see Red Dawn you in basic training so you are gonna [ __ ] they love they come it's a fact of it she does effective nineteen million then and then the nineteen seat it back in a merger you know yeah yeah therefore use will be thanking oh yeah go get me light your cigarette out live your life instead of chasing that paper city woman that got beat up in the Lamborghini it was a Lamborghini she said don't change the paper these we use they in an Lamborghini after hell no I'd be thinking everything's fake I'm sorry I'm a skeptic I'm a skeptic I don't you'd be down summer [ __ ] no good for you question it this guy just said I'm down I used to be cables hardest are at least that's what they told so what for a using basic for what branch of service really airborne you 82nd that you guys first news to show up so if Red Dawn was in reverse he would be parachuting on your country you you was in Panama that heard that was actually kind of much worse than people though it's like a hot war zone for me that's crazy I don't even know what happened to Panama somehow Grenada and so oh that's right we did do that didn't remember you don't remember that that's what you know because Noriega pineapple fish what you go to high school that was fun awful in hilarious how many people was paying them all is it a huge operation oh great things like arrested that do bad drug mouth they used speakers music that works I'm gonna need to check pan oil guys got like all the supply lists there I can't believe can you [ __ ] imagine that would never happen here did you imagine like I don't know someone invaded America and arrested there's no [ __ ] way we live in here you couldn't arrest Mary Chris who gonna Rosen mr. Bush you got under is she Wow I'd actually have was it scary even supposed to ask soldiers things like this it was a bad question matters Carrie what they say scary like you don't even think about it was he's young I like I always admire how people can put their kind of [ __ ] behind it I'll be dwelling on this you like it was yesterday okay I'm scary okay that's why I'm gonna cut out in the military I'm just like you know too sensitive and I couldn't beat it out of me naughty and basic they try to break you down so they can build you better go oh [ __ ] so you go there buzz alright you sack of [ __ ] sack of [ __ ] hold on I'm here to help volunteer didn't want to hear a stripper they can thank Jake no strippers we established fact from earlier in the show where we discussed this that strippers strip was like Street Google this street Google you got answers trouble is these guys are in bands right so you say you're gonna ban but your bands start now right you say it was your band starting I don't know what stage it gave me but I remember when I am starting out all right baby comedians people gonna wrote it what drug but anything they wanted they gotta ask straight Google a stripper stripper know everything about every place you go if you go to a stripper that's like getting a timeout but they push it this not in time you know her that now you really like street goop woman yeah I guess you know I'm gonna honestly I'm pretty morally upright yeah but I just like right how you taking over I thought yeah [Applause] hey gonna leave this building got here by says he does not know this country they rape men in America these guys own devices all right now we all gotta get the but you know nobody the Houston Ray was my travel hey no thank you I can't believe you don't have to stay with this man okay if I was you I might go with her do you think oh yeah you sure y'all evil don't take him for granted haven't you seen the reader you know I never you know I see why she got hostile you know I don't like movies with the music got violins and some what yeah alright actually really be getting out of here I know that's the old days yeah that oh they oh they were nineteen yo day we got a car and all the way up to maybe 25 year old they will guide the car after debating with himself 35 year old days they yeah parts of them I just don't think I have the physical stamina to be 25 year old baby 25 real Dave could not eat for four days and smoke we the entire time was amazing [Applause] hey welcome back finally you guys got rid of the girls are gonna be gay like you wanted I'm totally joking they just say like the hottest girl other than their girlfriends lift and then he comes back in like he's but and insane he's traveling right from Australia with the girl so you know he might need a breather you know you're right though I gotta guess I'm gonna go to my room yeah well you know what you know what I like no no you know what I like to stay in nice hotels honestly because it's like walking your fantasy no no they don't bother you so matter of fact when when we hit the door it says if you will somebody even though you're not really somebody I can't explain it welcome back mr. Chappelle yes I do [Applause] I'll tell you this without using any more on mm mm - oh three on that - it checking of the thing hairy balls with the Z right so then they call me hello mr. balls and then Mike beats newts it was very funny for us on the tour cuz I know what anybody would call my room they had him said that he's nuts but they'd always say that hello mr. newts they are and if the hotel wasn't certain anyway what show Chappelle show OSHA pel show all of us about getting my shoulder leg as much as I should really get my name back yes I do have something that works well I'm currently working on a surveillance video with the FBI called the man that knew too much that's good what am i God no works nothing special um yes I yes I do have something that works yeah Megan yeah working on it right now huh just do it Wow with emotion that's right don't pretend just do it don't pretend she's hypnotized who some bout what you said just do it made me so [ __ ] sleepy I can't she said and we'll just walk in with a big ol pizza no thing you wanna try hey where do you live why do I live in Ohio yeah there's like a whole stack of reasons I mean what was one reason beverage actually live on a farm how they my working farm that's absolutely where you see the thing is think about like this what you may go what I say know that even I know the average price of an apartment in New York is 1.2 million those person may go 2 million dollars in a year has paid over 200 hours and taxes just to live in New York near gap a city tax and you gotta pay safetex right now you can live anywhere else in America with a high quality of life for way lower cost of living in New York so in a certain point even in California a certain point as my friends and say yeah why we work so hard time just so we could be in the yoku because there's New York you know if I want to give sighs a piece at four o'clock in the morning I can do that as long as you gonna bill you a whole lifestyle run a hypothetical slice of pizza may or may not you know they make frozen pizzas mothers but I cannot piece in the oven anytime with 19 [Music] what's a fortnight why unit I've never had a real job you hit me like real job terminology I were 140 hours in a fortnight I want to know what the [ __ ] a fortnight is [Music] [Music] but you know what I said but you know what man I had no way around it in this net it's not it's not a perfect strategy but it might be better and that's important no that's important you know what let me get a pen so I can write now you know the formula for success listen to you know i'ma tell you I just saw her two minutes she made me no no no I'm saying your girlfriend's his girlfriend's really good-looking like yeah he's not in a band but if you see a girlfriend you'd be like who you play with you got like rock stars girlfriend you mean it I mean oh she's like nirvana status yes [Applause] wait a minute let me explain you have been looking it let me explain to you how good looking at a girlfriend let me explain you have feeling this guy's girlfriend is he works 140 hours in a fortnight biggest text 40 grand on his hundred grand he makes in a year he makes 60 thousand Australia the exchange rate is one hour they were full of idols that makes twenty five thousand dollars a year working every day on a fortnight way to me let me finish he's one of the happiest people I've met in the last fortnight what did they tell you his girlfriend looks [ __ ] great hedonism I like this you know what man you broke everybody up into groups I need your energy like I don't know everyone's why you have a friend it's like a secret weapon in a rough social situation you like bring out the Aussie there's a riot breaking out his split that whole crowd up high I 100 plays I was on a fortnight to pelvis into people that are like two weeks Mike Krauts are listening no for real man for real man you would they called dynamic it's two kinds of characters the static and the dynamic you are dynamic you know how no cuz you're not even in your own country you having a great ass time you're taking on a road full of hecklers and a professional comedian you have no mic or speakers or stage to back you up you're just here by yourself you walk out into a winter night and forgot your coat you are [ __ ] original you are my dude man I like dudes like you my why my so cold oh it's alright it's alright [Music] you turn he didn't know exactly who said it so he returned to the room you the kind of person that nothing bad will ever happen to stomach ulcers for two days and you're still giggling it up and drinking don't you see you Teflon you are like the bionic all see they made him for six million pounds my as exchange rate wow think about it if I had taken in three two million dollar deal I could have bought bionics if a bottle it may only cost six million dollars I could get parts of all I wouldn't even do my whole body I'll be like he's saying that he's having a good ass time and whatever language he speaks have you ever been to a show will when audience member gets ripped on by other audience right and the comedian can't really defend them at sea people say they why do you stay on stage so long because if I hang out long enough something like that will happen and I like to see these kinds of things now so rare it's it is good fun I got a lot of things at home but nothing would be what the baby joke oh man I haven't been a joke since that night it's true than just what people sell weed New York um sure oh no that's just listen I have physical limitations don't tell me what but I'm sleeping but I enjoyed myself what time is it ain't two o'clock fair enough [Applause] I walk the overwhelming majority of the room this room was full you haven't knew you guys were here okay you're the second person I've met from the Panama operation I can't believe this isn't off the table we were fish and they were arresting course president pineapple face a family you know Manuel Noriega heard you say that he's probably hurt his feelings you don't have a good attitude how you gonna get out of jail after you got arrested by the army that's a bad saying you know that is this I we we ain't Grand Theft Auto and you get all five stars that's a no-no you got that [ __ ] here five stars and Grand Theft Auto and go you know what's great about this part of the night if I say like having a back with any pain no you know was a funny thing I was just thinking like a minute ago I'm not gonna remember anything I remember so LLL come back yeah and Steven Anita all this whole table all hi girls hey hey man we can ready to go yeah off the pages away whatever okay we didn't go through your day why would I steal your jaggon for now all these people the crap [Music] he's alright I'll never admit that if you can keep yourself I don't believe he will someone has piss on themselves cut the inside of the stumblings also heated up five I was directing a movie about this night I will cut to the inside of the stomach I would just show like food in there also eating them up and then after I show all the stuff that's going on their stomach got cut his heavy faith then I will cut out to his girlfriend welcome home by herself the gap times taller she goes no don't mess with me my boyfriend's a killer that come right back is that of stuff and it would be too chicken wings in it no this makes this whole portion is just for me there's like a little like half a handful of rice on tops parses skittles in there and then there's like blood oozing out of that hole and you just to be stinky but I put like a gum wrapper right now this one thing they shouldn't be in there at all alrighty cuz we have a book oh you know not even gum rip you know what I put in your stomach okay so it's two pieces of chicken a half handful rice was driven out and then on tablet rice cut up the [ __ ] is they and I'm pushing slow and you go look and it's gonna be the head of one a little Lego men dance a joke I remember do you remember the joke I said I have a house I hadn't build a major for me in China in the house the house maybe poisons - what - it is so I don't know why I was something about kind of insanity it's no cuz you said about all right now that I am there so thirsty now you some water get my drink I'm not gonna shoot I'm forgiven that movie was great the Lansing will chase that son of [ __ ] alright and it tastes as if we have there they stay in a ready to do the walls this [ __ ] you fat man it's bigger I do i owns the stamps right I bought it from really for $400 Wow she wasn't that's right well you sir our hourly sum up [ __ ] you shot an unarmed man should arm himself decorated suppose my friend you be well your money kill her women and children yeah that's right I care whether children could everything I walked across one time I'm here to kill you little bill look at him what you did in there where is it I study movies yes hmm yes is there water I don't drink that okay totally Joe yeah I really gotta get out of here [Applause] so let me ask you a question Fargo now just give me this answer this question I need a quick reality check what is going on outside of my bubble when I'm trying to figure out is okay when they sing about me how sad it is that's right do they [Music] really then you heard that guy from Belgium and the funniest person we know you know what it is I'm Chris Pratt much better all you need to know this kid no seriously no I'm gonna love it for real that's what where'd you go seriously do you even care about it no [Applause] okay thank you thank you you know what though this name sure you know as the truth is I don't think I have the best of me I am my own personal safe it's fair enough and that every comedian feels that way about themselves I hope so well you know what man even that falls apart I'm not worried because I have a Lego house and you're right everyone does have their face cuz there's a bestow [Laughter] [Applause]

Channel: undefined

Views: 8,378,426

Rating: 4.5351987 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Chappelle, Age, Of, Spin, Deep, In, The, Heart, Texas, Stand, Up, Comedy, Funny, Comic, Strip, Live, 2009, 2017, New

Id: TGMACVGFIfM

Length: 222min 57sec (13377 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 20 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/aan8993uun]

31:22, its gonna be great, America is gonna be great again, you'll all see.

Eh... a little too prophetic there Dave.

[u/[deleted]]

Well, there goes my Sunday.

[u/[deleted]]

i miss old dave in his new specials he just doesn't cut it like he used to. used to be sharper.

[u/SEND_ME_CALM_NUDES]

So just one set?