Curt Thompson: Redeeming Shame: Vulnerability and Vocational Creativity [Torrey 2016]

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[relaxing music] >> So we returned to this question. In what story do you believe you're living? In what story do we believe that we are living? And if we take that word apart, the word to believe, we find the words to be living. We often think about the word believe as referring to cognition, something that I think, something that I ascent to, logically, linearly, rationally. But the word in its essence is not just about what I think, in its essence is about how am I actually living? What does it mean to be living in my body, in my world, moment to moment, day by day, in and out of relationships, how do we do that? We have been told, we've learned, we've already talked about this today, that in the Genesis account, that we are to be living like God lives. What does that mean, to be living like us? God says in the 26th and 27th verses of Genesis one, to live like we live. It took the first 200 years after Jesus for theologians in the community of faith to bang out, hammer out, think out, pray out a theology of the Trinity. And we would say that we've read back into the Scriptures this theology in ways that are powerful, and ways that are life giving. And one of the most useful ways that it shows up is in the very first chapter of Genesis. Because to live like us, to live like God means that we live in a way that reflects the Trinity. And for us to reflect the Trinity means that we are living in community. And it's easy for us to think that, well, the Trinity, like they're just kind of three different versions of all the same thing, but we would say that the Trinity really reflects three very, very different entities, three very different ways of being in the world, interacting with us, of one essence. What does it mean, then, for us to live like the Trinity lives? And then when we have male and female, made he them. And they're gonna live like the Trinity lives, I'm wanna suggest that when we get to the end of Genesis two and the man and the woman were naked and unashamed, and poised on the brink of life everlasting, what made them carry such a high payload of creativity was not just that they were human, but that they were human and in many ways were alike, males and females are in many ways we're alike, right, we have two hands, two eyes, two ears, nose, two legs, we have limbs. But in those ways in which we are different, we are infinitely different. Notice that powerful acts of creativity to be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over the earth required not just our sameness, not just the parts of us that we look at and say, I like the parts of you that look like me, that act like me, that are like me, have the same skin color as me, the same interests as me. I am looking at someone who actually is ultimately different. As I said somewhere earlier today, when I married my wife, I actually thought I was looking for somebody who was different, a female, I was actually looking for somebody who was just a lot cuter version of me. I wanted somebody who, as it turned out, talks like I talk, thinks like I think, worships like I worship, everything would be just like me. But as it turns out, in order for us to flourish, it is important for us to be naked, vulnerable, and with those who are very different than who we are. And I will tell you, this is where evil does some of its most elegant work. You know, one of the things about the brain that's intriguing to me is its what we call emergent nature. Meaning this, our brains have many different parts, we have a right hemisphere and a left hemisphere, they do very, very different things. And we have a brain stem and limbic circuitry and a prefrontal cortex that also do very, very different things. And if you took one neuron, one neuron is kind of a cool thing, they can't do very much by itself. You put 100 billion of them together, and you get Tchaikovsky. That wasn't even a joke. [audience laughs] But that's pretty, I'll try to use it the next time I've drawn feelers, right? We get unbelievably beautiful things when you have all these different neurons together. But it's important to know that it's not just 100 billion neurons hanging out all in the same homogenous soup, you get it because you have these very, very different parts that are brought together at the locale, the prefrontal cortex, in order for beauty and goodness and joy to emerge. In this way, the emerging properties also are things such that we would not be able to predict them. No one would've predicted War and Peace. No one would've predicted Starry Night. These are not things that we necessarily would be able to calculate ahead of the curve, we're not able to calculate all of, even like computer models have tried to do this, and they can't outpace the brain. But it because the brain is doing its work in the context of having very different parts that are being brought together to do their work. This is why we would say that the brain is able to do this only in the context in which, it's able to bring these parts together most effectively, most creatively in contexts in which that brain is trained to do that, because it is being known by other brains. My capacity to create is deeply affected by the degree to which I am deeply known by others, because it is in these other relationships whereby these very different parts of my mind are effectively brought together. But only in the context in which I'm having deeply connected relationships, wherein which I am known and especially the parts of me that are vulnerable, especially the parts of me that are ashamed, especially the parts of me that are weak. As in how Saint Paul in 1 Corinthians chapter 12 when he's talk about the body, alludes to those parts of the body that are particularly weak and say, we give those parts special attention. But Genesis three comes along and when it comes along, everything changes. In the wake of Genesis three, in the wake of this serpentine conversation, we discover that we as human beings default to what I call the safety of saneness. What I really want more than anything is to be working with people who are just like me, people who think just like me, and even those who say, oh no, I really love being with people who are different than me. I really like being with people who are different than me who also like being with people who are different than them which makes them just like me. [audience laughs] In the end, it's very difficult for us to truly to be with people who are different than us, and I would suggest that part of that emerges out of our difficulty with being parts of ourselves that we find to be so different and especially the off-putting parts, that we don't want anyone else to see. Jesus comes and changes all that. And the way that we know that he comes and changes all that is reflected in the 21st chapter of John. Now, notice in Genesis we have this picture wherein after the eating, you know, after the fruit fest, we hear that the woman and the man cover themselves because they knew that they were, or they saw that they were naked. And notice this, right, notice that the text does not say, and they saw, it suggests that it's a passive sense, like they became aware, that someone else is letting them know. It became clear to them that they were naked, but not because I looked and saw like I'm naked, I'm having some sense that someone else is telling me this, someone else is pointing out my flaws, someone else is pointing out the part of me that's different than them, the part of me that they want to have me cover. Notice that the man, the woman cover themselves, and the reference in the text is that they are covering themselves sexually. They cover the parts of themselves that are most vulnerable. And you see once again, what we have then, is a situation in which the man and the woman look not all that different, two arms, two legs, two eyes, a nose, but the parts of us that are different we hide. And we see this happen between men and women, and then we see it extend into everything else. We see it happens across ethnic lines, racial lines, cultural lines, we see it between countries, we see it in political parties, like all one has to do, like you look to your right, you look to your left, and we find ways of covering, especially the parts of us that are different than those who are our neighbors. And in John 21, we get a picture of what Jesus is gonna do about this. Now, for those of you who are familiar with this, we remember this story as being one of Peter's reinstatement. You remember Peter. He's the guy that prior to John 21, six weeks ago throws Jesus under the bus. We remember this story. Three times Peter denies Jesus. Six weeks later, they're out fishing. Someone notices that someone is on the beach making breakfast. Now, already, like Jesus is setting this up, because when was the last time that we had reference in John that Jesus and Peter had some kind of emotional interchange? It was this night before Jesus is crucified, and they're before a fire. And so one of the things that we see Jesus doing is he's setting things up. And he's not just setting things up in terms of conversation, he's setting things up even in the physical encounter that they're going to have. Because we talk in our business about a thing called implicit memory, how we learn to remember things without even having to pay attention to them. For instance, implicit memory is how you learn to walk. When we get up, when we're done here tonight, we're all gonna get up and like walk out of here, and when you do, you're gonna have to remember how to walk. Now, fortunately, it's probably not gonna be one of those things you're like, oh, good, I remember. I thought I wasn't gonna get back to my dorm tonight, right? You're not gonna have to, like, remember, like it'll work for you, okay. But we don't have to actually consciously think to do this. We don't have to consciously think how do I know how to eat? We just do this automatically. Or we do it actually, I mean, we learn how to ride a bike. Those are all physical things, but what about this? What about the couple that comes home at the end of the day and they get into a fight? And in the middle of the fight, this happened to a couple that I work with, in the middle of the fight, the guy is so worried, he leaves the kitchen, goes out and gets in his car and takes off, he's so upset. Now, tactically, I just wanna suggest this for all future reference, like this is not very, very helpful, okay, it's not a good idea, all right. This does not enhance communication. Getting in your car and driving around the neighborhood, not answering your wife's phone call is not a helpful way of communicating. But this is what he does. And when you ask him, so, why did you do this? He will tell you, well, you know, I was worried that I was gonna say something that I was gonna regret, and I didn't want to do that. He will tell you also, I know that sometimes when she gets on the edge and is really gonna be angry, I don't really like being around when she gets really angry. He will not tell you, I think I was having an implicit memory of when I was 10 years old, and my father, who had been an alcoholic decided that he was gonna get sober. But he didn't enter into recovery, instead, he just came home sober and angry every night. And he was so angry that the only safety I had around that anger was to get on my bicycle and take off. And when I would take off on my bicycle, I would be away from the rage. And when I turned 16, I would get in the car and I would get in my car and I would take off and I would drive. A vast area of our life is run by implicit memory. So much of how we relationally interact is simply remembering what it was like for me to survive my home, live in my house, learn how to cope. And we aren't really paying attention to the fact that we're doing this. We're remembering. But Jesus knows how people will remember, and he's setting him up. And so he prepares breakfast. And the guys swim in, practicing for his Olympics, they swim in. I mean like, why don't they just, like, they must've been really eager, like, why didn't they just row the boat? No, he's gonna swim in. And as they're having breakfast. Sitting there, well this is kind of cool, like because the Master's back, it's the Lord, and breakfast is ready, this is great, nobody's paying for this, we don't know how he caught the fish, we're like, breakfast is ready. But Jesus like he can do anything, right? And as they're sitting, the text reads, and Jesus said to Peter, Peter, do you love me? And we might know this story by heart, and we just like, yeah, we know he asked him three times, and if you know your Greek, you know that what he asks him are different things. Do you love me, do you love me, do you love me? Those are different forms of love, and he says three different things in terms of feed my sheep, tend my lambs, tend my sheep. And we see this like at the end of the day, it's like, okay, three for three, right? Three denials, three questions, we're all good. I wanna suggest that there was a lot more going on in that story. Here's one thing that puzzles me. Like, first of all, I know the writer says that he asked him three times, but who knows? He could've asked him 33 times. Who knows how many times he did? But you know, if I'm Peter, by the time he asks me the second time, I'm suspicious, right? I'm thinking like Jesus, you have a pretty good explicit memory, we just had this conversation not but seven seconds ago, why are you asking me again? Of course, Lord, you know that I love you. And then he asks him a third time. And the text reads that Peter was grieved in his heart that Jesus asked him yet a third time, do you love me? And here's the thing. Every time Peter says, I love you, Lord, Lord, you know that I love you, and I gotta tell you, if I'm Peter, the real truth is I know that there are parts of me that don't love you, because if I had loved you, I wouldn't have thrown you under the bus six weeks ago. Let's just tell the truth. And here's what I suspect. I suspect that Jesus knows that Peter is still very ashamed of what happened, and he is not going to leave him alone with it. Jesus is going to go find him. Now, I have another question. Like, if it was really just a matter of Jesus wanting to clear things up with Peter, like Jesus could've just like taken him off to a corner and said, like, hey, you know, like that thing that happened between you and me six weeks ago, we're good, right, no problem, right. I know the whole crucifixion thing, that was kind of a bummer, but I'm back, right? So it's all fine, it's good, right, we're good. Like, why couldn't it just be that simple. If I'm Peter, like that's the kind of conversation I'd love to have. But there's gonna be a problem with that. And notice the text doesn't say, and Jesus took Peter off into an ante room and had a five-minute private conversation with him and came back and Peter was as the noonday sun. Right, it doesn't say this. Jesus launches his conversation, it would appear, in front of everybody else. Because one suspects that Jesus knows that as long as Peter is walking around with his private stain of shame about his behavior, Jesus knows that Peter knows that everybody else knows, too. If Peter is going to lead this troupe, Peter is gonna have to know that Jesus has in front of everybody else, said to Peter, you are my man. And Jesus is going to be serious about going to find whatever's left in Peter that is shameful, in order to make sure that that has no more air to breathe. What are the parts of our lives tonight that we on most occasions when Jesus asks us, do you love me? We would say, you know, Lord, I do. The whole time we know I've got rooms in my house where I don't want you, Jesus, showing up at the wrong time. I got news for us. Jesus is already in the room. He's already there. He's already waiting for you. But the only way, usually, that we find out what those rooms are, for Jesus to come, keep asking us this question, is if we are in communities, like real bone and blood communities with other real human beings who are able to with us ask us these questions, do we love Jesus today? And I can say, well, here's this part that I don't. Now, there's another interesting feature about this story with Jesus that I would draw our attention to, and that is this. Every time Jesus points this out, do you love me, right, with surgical precision. Every time he points it out and Peter says, you know that I do, and then he was grieved in his heart that he'd asked him, when he really, when Jesus puts his finger on the reality of this shame, he then says to Peter three times in a row, feed my sheep, feed my sheep. Notice, Jesus takes Peter right to the core of his shame and lets Peter know that Jesus is with him in it and then draws Peter's attention back to himself. Jesus draws Peter's attention back to Jesus, and he says to him, essentially, even in the middle of all of this crap, I want you paying attention to me. Look at me. Listen to me. I don't want you listening to your shame attendant. I don't want you listening to the snake that says, you're not his first lieutenant. No first lieutenant of his would ever do what you did. We have news that's really good. And that is that for every single one in this space, there are parts of us where shame still lurks, and we really are worried that Jesus is gonna see it. And I want to tell you that Jesus is eager to see it, eager to wait to have you join him in it, such that when you find him there, when you go to the beach and your implicit and explicit memory is reactivated, in that space, he draws your attention to him. He draws your attention to a holy Trinity who even this very day was waiting for you in your bedroom when you woke up. The holy Trinity that was waiting, meeting you in this space, long before you showed up here. The holy Trinity that is in the embodied presence of the people who sit next to you is happy to be with you here tonight. How many of us, though, as we've asked all day long, are waking up to the reality that Jesus, God the Father, the Holy Spirit, are delighted that we are on the earth? How many of us are gonna wake up tomorrow morning and the first thing that hits us is, oh my gosh, I am a delight, what do you know? [audience laughs] I'm a, nobody's ever told me this before. I wanna give you an experiment to do. You can do this with the friends with whom you're comfortable. And then I would suggest you start to stick your toe out a little further onto the ice and try this with people you might know a little bit, but not know that well. And it goes something like this. I want you to begin to find somebody who you know of something that you really appreciate of them. And you're gonna make a practice of finding them somewhere between now and the end of the week, and you're gonna look, you're gonna stop them, right, you're on your way to class and you stop them. You don't talk while you're walking. You stop them. And you say, I just wanna tell you something. And you look them in the eye, and you tell them. I'm really so grateful for your friendship. And they're gonna say, oh thanks, and just keep walking, right? [audience laughs] But as we learned earlier today, the brain very easily remembers and takes in noxious stimuli. It doesn't take much time, milliseconds, for me to take in and code and remember stimuli, memory of events that are traumatic, events that are shaming, events that are frightening. It takes me much longer for me to pay attention to gifts and acts of beauty and thanksgiving and take them in and remember them. So when you are about to tell your friend this thing, this thing that you are grateful for about them, this thing about them that you admire, it could be something about their physical appearance, it could be something about the way they dressed, it could be something about an act of kindness that they've committed, it could be something about them just being on the earth, right, it could be anything that you're serious about, and you sit with, and they say, well thank you. No, I want you, we're just gonna sit with each other for the next 30 to 45 seconds. Think about this for a second. Think about what would happen right now. Now, you're lucky 'cause it's in the dark, 'cause if it was this morning and we were doing this, like, you'd be in big trouble, because I would be asking you to turn to the person to your right or to your left, and I want you to say to them, I'm really glad you're here. And I want you to then to look at each other for the next 30 seconds to do this. You'd be like so uncomfortable, right. I'd say, but it's okay, I'm a psychiatrist and I can write prescriptions. It all gets better, okay. [audience laughs] Right? Healthy, living through pharmacology. This is a great thing. But this is the thing, for us to take this in, for us to take this in, this sense that we are embodied acts of goodness and beauty, it's not just things that we're creating out there, outside of us in the universe, we are acts of goodness and beauty and joy that God has delighted in, it's high time that we make sure that we let other people know the same thing. Does that make sense? I can't see you, so I'm just having to listen, right. >> Member: Yes. >> Member: Yes. >> Now, here's something else that happens. So that's an experiment for you to say, like, it'll be great, right, tomorrow on Biola's campus, it'll be like all these people just standing looking at each other. [audience laughs] I would say like no, that's okay, like, we're just being embody acts of goodness, beauty, and joy right here for the next 45 seconds. But here's the thing. Right, and like we're all, we think, you think this is silly. And my guess is, you're not likely to do it. But I will tell you that if you did, your life will never be the same. But we have a hard time practicing taking in the reality that we are this important to God, that he takes us this seriously. And if we are not taking this in, if we are not sitting with the discomfort, notice this, if we are not willing to sit with the discomfort of the loving gaze of God, if we are not willing to allow him to wash over us in the sight lines of another human being, if we are not willing to do that, when heaven gets here, it will crush us. Have you read The Great Divorce? Do you know what it's gonna be like to have to pick up apples that feel like they weigh 100 pounds? What's it gonna be like for us to be only partially real people? We can only become real people when we're willing to live to not not just to believe, but to live, be living as we were made to live like God lives. The antidote for shame is Jesus coming in his vulnerability and in his position as king, as Messiah, as highest author, right, authority, author, he's now going to create within us this kingdom of goodness and beauty and joy, and he does so by coming to find the parts of us, just like Peter, are ashamed, bringing us back through them, and out the other side he draws our attention to himself, but then does one more thing. And the one more thing he does changes everything. Notice that he says to Peter, he doesn't say to Peter, we're good, I love you too. He doesn't say to Peter, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. He says, Feed my sheep. He's turning Peter loose vocationally, he is commissioning Peter. He is saying, my friend, now that we're tackling the shame thing, now that you know that I know and that we all here know that like you and I are good, that shame doesn't get in my way. Now that I know that you know this, I now want you to do the work you were made to do. Can you imagine how hard it would've been for Peter to have tried to have led this band with him thinking all the time, I know these guys still think I'm gonna betray them, I know that they think that, because we, there's this unspoken thing, we all know the elephant in the room of my throwing Jesus under the bus, and we're all just gonna keep it nice and tidy and private. Jesus was having none of that. If this was the group of people to whom he was leaving his kingdom, he needed to know that everything was gonna be out in the open. And in the course of shame being strangled, he didn't just help people feel better, he liberated them vocationally to do that which they were made to do from before the foundation of the world. I wanna give you some examples of what this might look like. It's important to know that if we are as God's royal priesthood, if we are being priests for the rest of the world, if we're being living, breathing examples of what it means for us to develop communities, outposts of vulnerable, yet resilient, goodness, and beauty, and joy, what does that actually look like? Here's some examples. So my wife and I have been part of a church fellowship since 1992, and we became part of a covenant group, a group of families that were all together, and there are four families that have been together now since 1992. And up until a few years ago when some of the logistics changed, about every year we would go away together and have a retreat, these, our families, we would bring our kids and so forth, but one afternoon for that time of that retreat, we would be committed to each of these couples, pretty much rolling out all their laundry, so that everybody in the covenant group knows what everybody in the covenant group knows. Can you imagine what it was like the very first time we did this? It all started when one of our covenant group members, we decided, look, we wanna tell our life stories to each other. And the first member who went was a woman named Leslie. And she's, you know, we just love Leslie to death until when it came time for her to tell her story, she said to us later, I had a choice, I could tell one of two stories. Like, I could tell the story that everybody kind of knows and everybody wants to hear, or I can tell the real story. And she told the real story. And at the end of her telling the real story, we're all looking around her like, what are we gonna do about this, right? How are we gonna match this? Like she was not withholding anything. And in the course of the next several weeks as all of us told our stories, the Holy Spirit showed up in ways that were beyond our capacity to imagine, largely because we were willing to be vulnerable, but only because one of us was willing to take the lead. In your group of people by whom you are being deeply known, it is important to know that somebody's always gonna be in the position of having to take the lead to be vulnerable. When this happens, we create resilient outposts of joy and goodness and beauty in our families. Our son went to an all boys Catholic school for high school. And he was with a group of guys that were going through a certain set of math classes, that by the time they were juniors, they were so far above my pay grade, like I didn't even think they could call it math. It was no longer math. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't math. Like math is like two times four is eight. Like that's math. And, so we have parents' night, where you go back to school, all the parents come in and see the teachers, meet the teachers for the first, before the year starts. And we walk into this one math teacher's class, the math teacher that our son just loves to death to this day and the math teacher's talking to the parents, and this is the first thing that he says to us. He says, I just wanna let you know I love your boys. That's the first thing, you know, I love your sons. Like, what teacher tells you parents like they love their, most public schools, that would be a little weird, right? I love your sons. But we're in a Catholic school, you can get away with it. We knew that this guy was the real deal, like he's serious about faith. I love your sons. And he said, here's the second thing I wanna tell you. Math is really, really hard. I'm like, I lost, I'm trying to lose my mic, speaking moments of shame. So he says, math is really, really hard. And the parents are looking around like, okay, we kind of imagine that, because like, you know, we're sitting with a teacher and our boys are taking classes that we thought was math, but we don't know what it is, because it's that hard. So we agreed that it was hard. But he said, no, you need to understand, it's really hard for your sons, and there are many of your sons who are in this class who have not had a B in their life. And they're gonna get Bs and they might even get Cs. And these are the smartest boys in the school and they're not gonna get A's in this class. Can you imagine like the parents, like what do we do? And here's the thing. The fact that he was able to say math is hard is an act of vulnerability. He said, like I want your boys not to be afraid of making mistakes. I want your boys to be not afraid of knowing that they're not gonna, like this is not about getting A's, this is about doing work that is really hard and at the end of the day, they're gonna be really glad that they've done it. And my son would say to this day, it didn't really matter to him at that point, because of the relationship that he had with his teacher who was willing to be vulnerable with them so say like this is really hard to do, how many of us need to have other people in our life regularly who are telling us life is really hard to do? And the fact that it feels hard does not make you a pansy, it makes you a human being. This is what we do in education. It is our job to let people know, we don't go to school to prove to people how smart we are, although like most people think that's what we're supposed to do, right? We go to school to demonstrate that I'm smart. Like, why would I? That's why I'm in school. I don't know anything, that's why I'm here. [audience laughs] But then I get here and then I worry that I won't get A's. Well of course, you might not because you don't know anything. It's why you're in school. But what happens? When we have teachers who are willing to create space for that kind of vulnerability. What about church? Church we see all kinds of places where vulnerability, we wished we have them. Try this one on. So, when, when Philip was caught in an adulterous affair, the option that would be, like what we will often do is just to say, well, we're gonna work with, the elders are gonna work with his family, with his wife and see if we can help them really, really work on this, because they wanna work on regenerating their marriage. Well what if you would try this? Philip, we want you to make a public confession before the church of your adulterous affair, that you've committed adultery. But moreover, Philip, we don't want you to be alone with this, so we're actually gonna have you be joined on the platform by every other man in the church who's ever committed adultery. And this is where things get tricky, because if you take the biblical narrative seriously, Jesus says one very clear thing, if you have looked upon a woman with the intention to lust after her and like you've committed adultery and you are in danger of the courts. Philip should have 100 men standing with him. Are you with me? Philip should have 100 men saying, not only this is not, this is actually not only to affirm that this was not okay, but we are also not okay, and we are committed to doing the very same work that we know that Philip did. It would be far easier for all the married men in the church to just allow Philip to be the scape goat and that way, I don't like, we can say that as long as you're really, really messed up, and get caught, then attention will not be paid to me. You know how this works. But what happens? If we begin to be this vulnerable and take this seriously, Jesus coming to us in embodied ways, just like he comes to Peter, leaving shame no room to breathe. I will tell you that out of that church will come waves of goodness and beauty and joy. We could go on and on and on. The CEO who needs to ask of her board that she needs help because she's run out of ideas and she's afraid to ask for help because asking for help is a sign of weakness and as soon as they find that she's weak, they're gonna sack her. She needs to ask for help in order for them to be able to create space to come to her aid and allow for those who can contribute to make new ideas happen that would not be able to happen if she does not admit her weakness. This is what it means to create through vulnerable, shameless, nakedness, acts of goodness, beauty, and joy. Over the course of this day we've seen what happens when evil uses shame both neurobiologically in our own individual minds and brains, how it disrupts who we are relationally, how it disrupts who we are racially, ethnically. We've seen how it works on the innermost parts of our hearts in the largest landscapes of our world. So I leave you tonight with this question. What will you create in all of your vocational domains, and with whom will you create who is different than you in your vulnerability leaving shame no space to breathe such that when God's kingdom arrives, all we will be able to say is thanks be to God? [relaxing music] >> Announcer: Biola University prepares Christians to think biblically about everything, from science to business to education and the arts. Learn more at Biola.edu.
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Channel: Biola University
Views: 10,923
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Keywords: Biola University, Biola, ucm:conf_torrey, ucm_openbiola:true, ucm:captioned_contingency_june2018
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Length: 39min 38sec (2378 seconds)
Published: Wed Dec 21 2016
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