Critique of the Week | June 23, 2023

all right [Music] [Music] well hello everybody this is Tim green with rattle magazine welcome to your critique of the week it's Friday June 23rd so that you could join me let's see who do we got here so far we got Tom Barlow here Katie Dozier from the next room over Monica dobos hello Monica D Coleman's here we got Deb T over on nobody yet people are trickling in well today is a lightning round maybe I'll um give the instructions in just a second to make sure people see them before we start but um I should say to just a little um housekeeping there's gonna be no critique next week I'll be in uh I'll be in Cincinnati for the Haiku North America yeah North America Haiku North America that's the direction it goes Haiku North America conference at this exact time actually I think I'm giving a talk about the future of haiku just kind of um the concept of modernizing how we think about publishing really and so we'll try to get a haiku poets on board with uh sharing things widely and curating and things like that um yeah we have a favorite everybody's in the Cincinnati area we also have a reading with Katie Dozier and Dick Westheimer who everybody is familiar with on Thursday at Roebling books uh 7 PM so if anybody would like to check that out please do stop by and say hi although I think most people are probably not in the Cincinnati area um let's see okay so this is gonna be a lightning round and what we're gonna do like we do this we do this like once a month or once every six weeks or so is I'm going to use the open mic email address so that's the email address right there if you'd like to share anything any poem uh for critique just email it right now and say critique of the week in the subject line or something so I can see what it is email it to open mic that's OpenMic rattle.com and um then we will go over it we'll go over as many as we can if you have any questions too specifically uh you know anything you want me to talk about feel free to leave in the chat window and I'll go on with that too um so feel free to email me any poems it can be any poems you want critique but we'll pull up as many it's a lightning round I say it's a lightning round but um so I try to go as fast as I can but you know I kind of get hung up on it but if you would like to uh participate then email poems right now to open mic that's OpenMic rattle.com and um all right let me um hopefully no one's mentioned this sound I feel I feel like I have a little Echo I don't know why but um that's interesting but anyway I don't know if anybody else can hear it um okay let's see well over on Facebook we've got Sharon Ferrante we've got Margaret Doyle we've got Jenny Middleton yeah I know I go on Facebook okay yeah I think it's just my headphones might be turned up loud in a weird way or something maybe yeah I feel like it's just me but anyway okay that sounds good thanks Sherry Poff is here to say if that sounds fine too John Atkinson is here yeah good to see you all okay well let's get into this lightning round and enjoy critiquing some homes as always though the point is to give a workshop experience to people who um don't have a you know a group of friends that can sit around and talk about poems um and in that way that you do if you're a stranger reading a poem If You're an editor opening up a submission it's hard to know what people think about your poems if you're just shown to friends that know you really well and you're always showing their poems so they know your work this is what a stranger encounters when they see your poems um in a book or in a magazine or as in a submission and that way we get to learn you know you know what's working and what's not so leave as many comments as you can on Facebook or YouTube and um The Poets can watch of course because everyone's here right now okay well let's dive in and the first poet we have up is a familiar face Lucy Chow sent one early this morning knowing what was coming up and so let's take a look at Lucy's poem this is a still life with broken branch and Lucy's a regular contributor on the rattlecast open line so you're probably familiar with her work a lot of times your poems are longer and definitely rich in language this one's a shorter one for Lucy um and what did she say she said um I find myself approaching the intertwined images and symbols in this poem a very dreamlike freeze in a very dreamlike free associating manner I pretty much just let myself be carried away by the particular form of the poem interlocking identical Rhymes which emerges spontaneously at the outset of a free writing session so I wonder whether the shades and layers woven into the imagistic fabric can be effectively translated into the reader's experience and whether this form is at all appropriate to the subject and tone in a word whether the formal features help the picture I'm painting come alive in the reader's imagination so so take a look at the formal features of this which is interesting because Lucy you know tends to be a free verse writer so let's hear this is still life with broken branch sunlight Falls across my wooden floor like deer with branching antlers charging on the Spring Forest floor budding trees sprouting antlers when The antagonists Clash horns their miscible skins become one lights boneless body snails its horns out to seek its mate to The Dark One the window panes prismic Prismatic blades stand still at the speed of light vulnerable to its own Crossing blades to intercept slices of light these cross sections are taken without traumatizing muscles of beams trees grow into my room from without entwine bows with my beams toward where light has Lane resting and simultaneously locked in war as if running my body moves or resting itself shocked like the shock of War like when a man standing under a branch he has son off like when a man standing under a branch she is sawn off is struck on the head my shadow has cut a gash into the branch of light that breaks and hits my head I remember the pine trees get Jagged wound and the wounding man lying floored a leaf says to its Bud skin grown a wound for me to grow Sun trees have flowered so that is um Lucy Chow's poem still life with broken branch and as always the home is really rich in language as Lucy tends to write in that style and I personally I like the rhyme and the repetition the only thing so we have um it feels a little to go floor to flower when every other thing is is matched completely felt a little off to me and I'm not sure if everybody agrees with that but uh but to me I um it felt too a little like it reminded me of the poet was writing a poem instead of being lost in the language and feeling the repetition there um did she say what I don't think um yeah I don't think she mentioned a form I'm not sure what a form this would be with these um you know repeated lines so one three and two four and every stanza are the same words except for the last um and I don't know that that form works for me but if everybody think about it um hmm so Katie Dodger says Lucy creates such strong imagery in all of her poems my advice here would just be to get to the movement turn a bit faster the form is great and Tom Barlow agrees so so yeah let's um let me see over on Facebook what people are saying um okay all right so um yeah I think the um the the thing with um the the really strong diction that usually loses it's a little easier it's a little easier to lose your train of thought and sort of because there's some words I don't like missable um and things like that that are a little above my head and um and that makes the poem have a tendency to to feel a little like long and slow getting through it and I think maybe that's what Katie Dozier is feeling too um you know when asking for the movement the turn to come faster you know there's a difficulty in getting through poems with a high vocabulary like this and um and and you know so we feel like maybe it should be shorter and and I kind of feel that too yeah um W says I especially like the lime trees growing in my room so let's look at a little more line by line see where we can how we could trim and get to the turn and the point the point faster yeah and then Jacob says too I like the repetition as a form choice but do question the last not right yeah I would go for the it's not really a non-ramp it's like a slant rhyme the Florida and flowered is a near rhyme and uh and it works I think you know my tendency in a poem like this would to be to use near Rhymes the whole way through rather than having them be the exact word repeated um you know I mean there's little variations where they're resting and resting I'm gonna show the exact same sounds over and over again and and um you know I like the feel of doing it this way better but the fact that it's only once at the very end just makes me think about it being a poem if they're right at the exact moment where I should be thinking about the feelings of the poem and that whether or not it is a poem and and that so I think I would I would go back to the floor and find a way um you know like you could say and the you know and the wounding man lays like a flower you know or lays flowered or something like that splayed flowered or I don't know how you could exactly phrase them you could put flour in there pretty easily is the is the word here um and then it would have the same pattern the whole way through so I would probably do that just to that's a very small edit but I probably would okay let's look at it look let's look at where the turn is and how how long the poem let's read it one more time and pay attention to where our um you know we start to daydream because that's that's the real risk still life with broken branch sunlight Falls across my wooden floor like deer with branching antlers charging on the Spring Forest floor budding trees sprouting antlers see I like that first stands a lot and I like um you know I I like too the the rhythm of it see how the repeated words come up but there's a such short sentence right there that those two short sentences really break up the the Rhythm and the flow of it and so make that repetition really pleasing as it comes across um and then uh when The antagonists Clash horns their miscible skins become one so I don't know what the word miscible means um and I do like to learn so let's look that up missable it is a liquids forming a homogeneous mixture when added together Sorbitol is miscible with glycerol okay yeah I remember that word now um the old chemistry days still life with broken Branch yeah and then um yeah so where are we the miscible skins become one lights boneless bodies snails it's horns out to seek its mate the dark one and I think this is this stanza so I'm totally engaged with this one but this stanza I'm starting to feel a little lost and and not as engaged as I was in the first stanza and I think it's mostly you know the missable is a word that I don't know um and you can kind of figure out in context but it takes a little work to do but then there's really um I don't know who the antagonists are I guess that's the issue really you know when The antagonists Clash horns their miscible skin is that the the sunlight who who is actually clashing horns here is that the sunlight with the floor um the the Shadows of the trees on the floor I'm kind of a little lost trying to figure out who that's referring to and so so it makes me a little lost in the poem um lights bonus so it made sense uh when it was in the first stanza when we were talking about the sunlight was clear what we're showing here that the antlers and the trees but then as they're clashing it's harder to see for me um lights boneless body snails it's orange I like that phrase snails it's horns though that's cool out to seek its mate the dark one and who's the Dark One my window panes Prismatic blades stand still at the speed of light vulnerable to its own Crossing blades to intercept slices of light I really do like the repetition um these cross sections are taken without traumatizing muscles of beams trees grow into my room from without entwine bows with my beams see and now I'm feeling back now that I've re-entered the room I'm feeling better so I wonder if we could just cut the stanza and that's the way we could get it quicker to the turn that that Katie was talking about um towards where light has Lane resting and simultaneously locked in war as if rutting my body moves or resting itself shocked like the shock of War um so now it's the body and the the urge to get up and the urge to stay the stasis that's the being locked at War um like when a man standing under a branch is sawing off he is sonoff is struck on the head my shadow has cut a gash into the branch of light that breaks and hits my head I really like that standard too I think that really works I remember the pine trees Jagged wound and the wounding man lying floored a leaf says to its Bud skin grow a wound for me to grow Sun trees have flowered hmm yeah I think um you know to me what I would what I would do is cut this I think this doesn't add too much in it is too abstract and you don't need it um and then just changing this you know this I would I would get the flowered up here um yeah and there's a lot of ways you could phrase that you know um his body flowered or you know his limbs flowered on the floor or something like that so that's what I would do I like the poem otherwise um any other comments before we move on let's see Nick Jacobs has the it's and stands of three line three is vague and I think he means uh because I cut one since then um I can't quite follow it back to what it refers to the window since okay let's look at this one again my window panes Prismatic blade stand still at the speed of light invulnerable to their own cross to its own Crossing blades to intercept slices of light hmm should it be their own Crossing blades is that the problem because it's afraid of the window panes right so um yeah I think maybe that should be there um [Music] yeah and then um yeah Deputy says like many have said I love the rich language and repetition yeah me too I really like this the form Ninjago says last line needs me hanging and I I think it does too but I think it hangs in a nice way because we're we're thinking of the way you know the trees how things come to be in in the spring and we're trying to get out of bed and so I think that works pretty well um Emily defrag says I love the imagery of the fighting deer in the shadows of floor love it I don't get the metaphor for the war like wound yeah hmm yeah so those are the things that work and those are things to work on I would say okay Sherry pop says yeah tree's flower in response to light so I mean that's what it means it's like you know if the trees hadn't moved because I'm I don't want to get up but the trees you know if the trees hadn't responded to light like that like I'm trying to but don't want to then they wouldn't have their flowers so that's what I think foreign back there says who was the dark one that's one of the reasons why we cut that stance I don't really understand that section of it okay but yeah that's um that's a good look at what was working and what's not I think Lucy so um hope that advice helps us move on to another poem and next we'll just go in order of the receipt and get to as many as we can um Monica dobos has one we go just hang on one second and we'll switch over to that file oops not a filter okay we'll switch over to that file there we go and this is Monica dobos with um the problem with the Puma maybe I'll zoom in a little bit too for everybody okay the problem with the Puma first it's the Crickets you hop them out the sliding door one by one with a cardboard and a stay well outside wish then a mouse grows fond of bird seed in the garage you get a no-kill trap utter a short prayer to the god of almond butter bid the mouse good night the next day you slide the trapped Mouse to your in your lunchbox keep his warm heart between Your Hands Walk 100 100 yards set him free on the trails no bread crumbs or crickets on the way back the Puma is a different story and night alone of Shadows you open the door she looks you Green in the eye whiskers still her tail erect yet you sink your hand in her black and Pat her back and stalled velvet Strokes she purrs your warm heart and her paws so that is a the problem with the Puma and for this one you know I think the poem really takes off with the Puma um you know I think this this puma and especially that last line too she purrs your warm heart in her paws you know we talk about sometimes that um like certain words like like heart and things like that or a little cliche and that we try to avoid them but sometimes they work really well and I think it works really well there she purrs her warm heart and your paws and there's the purrs and the paws rhyme and there's the way that the image is unfold you see the heart first and then the pause and it's it makes it a completely original image even though talking about hearts and poems is something that we see a lot and so I think that works really well um let's see okay so so so I wonder again it's similar to the last poem um in that I think maybe we could we could get to that that turn faster it feels a little imbalanced to me maybe a little different in a different way than the last poem but it feels like we spent a lot of time on the mouse and and really the Puma is where the poem has its energy and so and so it feels like the poem spends you know it feels like if it were a you know Bridge it would be tipping one way because it's um though the weight is on one side you know and so how can we cut it to sort of put the weight more in the middle so we can the pumpkin feel strong all the way through is the first thing I think about to do with it and um and also the um the setup is interesting too because we're getting to that puma and the Puma is a different story and night alone of Shadows I love that alone of Shadows it's such a great phrase alone of Shadows I also like she looks you Green in the eye um so except excellent excellent descriptions about the um about the Puma there and and so so since we're going poom as a different story I wonder if we could do instead of the problem with the Puma um can we enter this poem in a different way um can we you know because I don't understand how first it's the Crickets unless I'm missing something um yeah so Nate Jacob says what is the problem here Monica I want to get pet the Puma um yeah so the problem with Puma just feels a little off so Deputy says I like the suspense of the Puma and the title but then going to the Crickets in the mouse first yeah I like that so um so so the poom is a different story and I wonder if we can read into it like um you know and because first is the Crickets there's a way that we could enter it and say um in in reference that the poom is a different story a little more strongly so um you know some kind of conversational thing that would make a little more sense like um like you might want to bring home crickets or something like that like a sort of a um because it feels like we're sort of confiding it's almost like a confessional type voice in the poem and I wonder if the second person would help let's see um yeah yeah there's some great lines here let's see hmm I'm looking at the comments here sorry for the delay yeah they do so many somehow we need to tighten the heighten the tension in the third stance I was expecting to feel danger but didn't which is kind of a nice surprise I just want the danger to last um let's see and so Monica says here you can't get rid of it like the rest yeah I mean well yeah I mean that's that's the problem with the Puma I mean it's gonna it's gonna attack you before you can just take it outside um so so how do we get um you know what if we just said like with crickets um with the crickets you can hop them out let's start the poem like this I think that that's a better way to entry I may just wave crickets with crickets you can hop them out the sliding door one by one with the cardboard and the stay well outside wish and then I think we want the um the mouse to be a little closer to this length so then the two together can be about the same as size as the Puma I think that's the way to make the poem stronger so then a mouse grows um and I think we don't need it then I think the first and then week in the poem so so with crickets you can hop them out the sliding door one by one with the cardboard and that stay well outside wish a Mouser is found of birdseed in the garage you can get I I put the can get a no-kill trap under a short prayer the god of almond butter bid the mouse good night um and maybe cut this and make you know the next day you slide the Trap Mouse in your lunchbox keep his warm heart between Your Hands Walk 100 yards set them free on the trails no bread crumbs or crickets on the way back so I think this doesn't have as much energy as much interest as the the rest and the especially just the Puma the lines and the Puma section are so good um that doesn't live up to it I don't know if it's necessary so you could just bid the mouse good night and there's kind of a menace there which as the feeling of the Menace that Nate Jacobs was saying was missing in the poem because the you don't know if it's a funeral good night or if it's a you know just good night and then you're gonna let them out in the morning um but then we get to the Puma and then yeah I think it works better like that so so let's read like this and feel the difference and feel like do you feel like anything is lost in this poem because I think it's one of those cases where there's stuff that wasn't necessary that was sort of cluttering up and tipping the poem and making it not have the the right Arc that it really wanted so let's see so the problem with the Puma and I say problem with ape well maybe not the yeah let's say that that implies that there actually is a puma which I like better um the problem with the Puma with crickets you can hop them out the sliding door one by one with a cardboard and stay well outside wish a mouse grows fond of Bird Street in the garage you can get a no kill I'd say if I guess I misread that sentence if a mouse grows let's make it like that if a mouse grows fond of bird seed in the garage you can get a no-kill trap utter a short prayer to the god of almond butter good Mouse good night the Puma is a different story and night I don't know about the night either because it's now it's repeating the night so let's get rid of that too the poom is a different story alone of Shadows you open the door she looks you Green in the eye whisker is still her tail erect yet you sink your hand in the black and Pat her back installed velvet Strokes she purrs your warm heart and her paws see I think that works a lot better um yeah let's see so Andrea dobrika says title how do you get rid of a puma I'm pulling an H Jacob and doubling on YouTube Ah there so uh yeah Andrea the book is there on YouTube and Facebook but yeah how do you get rid of a puma could be a good title two maybe let's change light how do you get rid of it's like a how-to instruction poem how to get rid of a puma does that work better as a title anyway it's just it's just a matter of balancing out though the poem um and margarine says I like the motion through the different kinds of animals from small and innocuous through small but destructive to deadly and that that's preserved when we cut out that section that was sort of too slow um yeah okay oh and my collections okay so that's gonna be your suggestion I think that works one thing I did trip over um I think the line breaks which are great in a lot of cases and I think Katie uh Dozier mentioned the line breaks were good a few and they are and for the most case I like the way that it flows down the page there's a good sense of feeling to it but a few times I trip toward the end um that it kind of slows down too much when we don't want it to maybe and the lines get really short and I think they could be stretched out a little more to make it a little more readable so um if you maybe you think your hand um well maybe that your hand yeah I think I would you sink your hand in her back and Pat her in her black and pad I'm not sure where let's see it's the stalled velvet Strokes that I really feel like too um that they need to be broken out a little more and I wonder about these stalled the stalled velvet Strokes is it the right word stalled hmm the Puma is a different story alone of Shadows I do like that line break you open the door she looks you Green in the eye whiskers still her tail erect yet you sink your hand and her black and Pat her back installed I think you need to move that up she purrs your warm heart inner Paws well I don't know it's a difficult yeah Cato says delete stalled um yeah and maybe that works and maybe maybe it doesn't need your your hand can maybe be down it's starting to get really thin lines but that's okay except for where it was trippy there and Katie says because velvet implies slowness even though it refers to the Puma's fur yeah I think so okay so maybe that fixes that too let me read that last one again just the very end yet you sink your hand in her black and Pat her back part of it is the back Pat black there's a way that that moves together that that makes it I think we want maybe if we just move the and up even though we don't usually end with a with a with a conjunction like that you pet you sink your hand in her black and Pat her back and velvet Strokes I think that's better she purrs your warm heart and her paws yeah I think that's better I think that's what to do so a little bit it was just a little trippy there because of the sounds and the way that the pauses fit with the sounds felt a little Loft to me um okay so that is my um yeah so marketer says the distancing of the mouse to keep it from coming back is important I think and um and I think I don't know is it important I'm not sure um if you think it's important maybe add another line to acknowledge that um and Monica 2 said she has a problem she has a whole series of poems about the problem so I think the problem I'd keep it that's worth it the problem with uh Puma I like that type the problem with the Puma sounds great too okay um Monica too says um back black and maybe you could do that maybe this helps too to switch um I kind of like it like so I'm gonna leave it like this okay let's move on it's a really fun poem thanks for sharing that there's so much energy in that Puma with a couple great lines okay let's go on to the next poet and next up we have Nate Jacob with beware it just takes a moment for this to load here we go and here's an H Jacob with beware a little bigger too there we go this is Nate Jacobs poem let's take a look beware for most of our Lives we avoid the best trails sorry we avoided the best Trails stayed closer to town rather than wander High into the trees and creek beds we dined in marginal places where the service was okay and the food kept us alive but the view of the mountains left us gushing to friends about the wild beauty and the Untamed thrill of living among bears we even saw a bear too every year or two all in all those years from a safe distance of course from increasing distances to and now we have moved on down to the flat of the country where there are no trees really where the river runs dry if at all and the Bears move away thousands or millions of years ago before humans ever wandered in to spoil the Bear's view so lovely during their evening meals and that is beware Wildlife a poem I can relate to a couple of the mountains here um haven't moved away yet for most of our Lives we avoided the best trail stay closer to town rather than wander High into the trees and creek beds I think great start here um really nice Rhythm to the whole poem and entering it really well we died in marginal places where the service was okay and the food kept us alive but the view of the mountains left us gushing to friends about the wild beauty an untamed thrill of living among bears um we even saw a bear too every year or two in all those years from a safe distances of course from increasing distances too and now we have moved on down into the flat of the country where there are no trees really where the river runs dry if at all the Bears moved away thousands or millions of years ago before humans ever wandered in to spoil the Bear's View so lovely during their evening meals hmm well it's kind of um that the writing of it that the sound and the pacing of the lines is really nicely done but the poem sort of leaves me a little flat just it hasn't really said a whole lot and I wonder it's one of those poems where I'm wondering what the um what the the reason why it has to exist that kind of question um I think it hasn't found like like there's a reason that was driven you know that was um motivated you to write the poem and it starts out well but it doesn't feel like it finds uh the truth it's seeking I guess it's sort of an easy exit and I think there's more to mine there um and that's that's my sense of the poem and let's see what everyone else is saying about it um so you put I'm gonna because I like the ending uh Margaret just this great poem um let's see and Jen Atkins is a little metaphor for Life getting further from Wild nature well the thing is it felt that way um to me so so Margaret Doyle says lovely sense of things changing and regret and um Tara message McMahon says bear poem reads very natural to me a friend storytelling at night on the porch like it very much channels are nicer too so so to me the problem of the poem for me is that I thought it was going in this direction at the beginning and then it sort of went the direction I was thinking um you know I guess there's like two possibilities like we went and we explored it more or we explored it less um but there was a way we either sort of encountered the Wilderness more or less and that was a question of which way it would go um but but either way it's kind of not surprising um Andrea dobrika says um the people left me feeling nostalgic or melancholic somehow pensive even I like how it stays my brain like an after image um Roland bobek says I think the part about increasing distance can be explored more based on the start that's what really seems to be about um yeah so Katie Dover says this feels like one of those poems I want to slap an extended metaphor this is a good suggestion uh tideline like Extinction yeah I guess that's that's part of it too so because the title sort of left you with the sense that was going here um and then it just it's sort of a one note I guess that's what I've been trying to say it feels like it keeps it's keeping on the same note and it's a nice note but but there's no sense of movement within the poem so um and and doing something like Katie Dodger says like like making an extended metaphor by just calling it something different um even something strange like you know Olive Garden or something just something that make us that make us expand our thinking a little more I think that would help um let's see so let's see so so what can we do could we um be I mean I think if we change the title I think that would that would make the poem more interesting um for most of our Lives we avoid the best trail stay closer to town rather than wander High into the trees and creek beds it's just great great Rhythm and voice there we dined in marginal places where the service was okay and the food kept us alive but to view the mountains left us gushing to friends about the wild beauty and the Untamed thrill of living among bears hmm Spartacus says would it be better to end it and now we've moved on I wonder if maybe that's it maybe maybe it didn't leave enough yeah and my Qdoba say I need to turn in this poem like a bite so but would that make it sort of the would that make it feel like a turn if we're tagged enough because right now it's just you know especially once we read this sentence we kind of know the rest and um sorry and so so the I guess that's where it feels predictable and I wonder if that would work if we could just cut this whole thing let's just read it like that like spartico suggests and see um and let's call it Extinction why not Extinction for most of our Lives we avoided the best trail stayed closer to town rather than wander High into the trees and creek beds we dined in marginal places where the service was okay and the food kept us alive but the view of the mountains left us gushing to friends about the wild beauty and the Untamed thrill of living among the Bears we even saw a bear too every year or two in all those years from a safe distance of course from increasing distances to and now we have moved on hmm yeah I do like that ending better because it's it's left clipped a little bit it leaves more room for the imagination which is what my my issue with the poem is really um let's see my criticism like the way the bomb turns from us watching the Bears to Bears watching us and the contrast and Visions between the two views yeah I mean that's the thing that that's that's the that's the conclusion um it's kind of the conclusion I expected throughout the whole poem and so that that leaves me feeling a little flat um let's see uh Andrea dobrika says it's the title sarcastic I feel it is there's no more Wildlife per se yeah yeah definitely um you know I think they you know the the ideas that we'd love to be beware it um even though we never really faced it and now we're leaving in Lisa Seidenberg says it's the people who have changed here not the Bears what have they moved on to yeah I like it ending with a and now we've moved on the other thing that I was going to mention that I didn't get to I think the the the wild beauty and Untamed thrill I think that could be phrased a little more interestingly too um and so so maybe that's something I'd spice up with a metaphor or something like that um yeah but I like the poem anyhow and now we've moved on I think it's a good suggestion by Spartacus um yeah so uh Cindy Putnam government says like the details of the original ending I like the edited ending too I wonder if we could do because I like that and now we've moved on I mean that's a that's a real strong ending I wonder if we can um move some of that up um this is moving chronological order but it doesn't really have to um yeah I don't know I I I would go with a and we have moved on speaking of which let's move on to the next poem okay let's move on to the next one that was Nate Jacob thanks for sharing that Nate um hope that was helpful he says I miss this question he says who would win in a fight a brown bear or this poem well um I don't know I think it would like the the poem would play dead and the floor of the trail and the bear would walk over it and then probably die before the poem disintegrated and so then the the poem would win because it would last longer that's my answer to that thanks for the question Nate okay um let's go next to um uh dab Tanenbaum and she said if you attack or questions on this attachment too so let's take a look at these by debt you know we'll have to flip it over to the right poem are you there I'm used this is Deb Tannenbaum let's make it a little bigger too again because it's better okay are you there Muse tonight I lure you I dangle my fatigue a feathery charm I ask for fewer words but apt ones perhaps debacle or salt possibly obsidian no maybe Yonder or something moving in a verb this morning I hiked through the glare of sun drunk air my heart beat double quick the eroded steep Trail slowed and concentrated me I fished for inspiration you suggested shade and the almost always rocks poking me underfoot the places where the way was soft with pine needles trees or poetry most of today's were Lodgepole the pine scented Breeze was poetry sighing half of the trees dead and their feet wrecked and ragged insect infected casualties I looked away Yonder up at the up top at Timberline twin Alpine Lakes clear trout swimming quiet descending was fluid ease body breath and path and sink I forgot poetry forged for mushrooms instead so here's the questions should I keep the first two stanzas or cut them that's what I was going to say I'm in like a cutting mood today I hope that's just uh the poem's not my mood but I do I was thinking that that where the where the Poetry comes in is where the poem really takes off and it felt like a lot of a lot of getting there that wasn't necessary which is what I thought about the first two poems so maybe I'm um impatient or something today I don't know you always have to worry about that like what uh did the editor get a good night's sleep the night before or whatever um when you're submitting your problem you just never know it's a black box you know if you you know if you watch a movie in the movie theater you could hate it and it's just because you uh had an upset stomach but you didn't realize it you know you never know so that's one of the reasons why if a poem's close I always hold it longer and um come back to like a month later to make sure if I'm sort of on the fence about it which side I should be falling on but anyway how's the title is a poem enough or what's missing other feel like welcome thanks well thanks Deb for sending this so so like I was saying I think the poem really takes off um really takes off here I wonder if that maybe it's even cutting more but the idea of that trees are poetry most of today's where Lodgepole the pine scented Breeze was poetry that repetition of poetry works really well it made me feel like there was a that there's like a kernel that wanted to like Sprout into its whole like tree right there or an acorn that want to sprouting a tree or something right there like it just there's a real music and Magic to this little section and and I wonder if you could you know you might want to take this out and continue it um you know that concept of trees or poetry now that the poem itself has um this I lure you um so there's the I and the me and and that's why I was thinking about cutting the beginning um I wonder if this poem needs a personal like a character um I wonder if it can't be just a description of the trees as you go through the hiking because that's what's really memorable and stands out and so um let's see I fish for inspiration used to test its shade the almost always rocks poking me underfoot the places where the way was soft with pine needles a great lines I like that a lot um trees or poached but so so how does how does the U fit in the poem um trees are poetry most of J is where Lodgepole the pine scented Breeze was poetry half the tree stood dead on their feet wrecked and ragged see I really feel like the uh the strength of this poem there's sort of emotional undercurrent that comes up when you get to this um wrecked and ragged insect infected casualties and I wonder what would do let me just do this if we cut out um if we just took the the descriptions and took out the the speaker and let them just speak of what they're sort of seeing instead of entering the poem with the first person I wonder if the um if the poem would work better that way if we just went through and cut all the stuff um that was like that story so are you their Muse and she asked about the title II Deb did and I think um the title could use some work too and so maybe we'll be able to take some something that we cut later and make that the title that's always something interesting to do a nice way to do it but let's uh let's grab this poem and let's just cut trim back the stuff that we um What If instead of tonight I lure you what about the Knight is a lure like what if we go like that we pull out the subjects um fatigue a feathery charm like that um it's kind of ironic fewer words but apt ones um we can even leave that fewer words but apt ones oops I don't want to do that all right fewer words but apt ones um and what if we just instead of like having this voice speaking it what if we just list the words debacle salt obsidian so so keeping the kind of mystery because the real intensity is that idea of poems being trees and then the descriptions which are great so um obsidian yeah obsidian like that and then uh maybe and then how about just Yonder Let's uh yeah cut out this Yonder something moving in a verb I like that too I like that so then so then let's see yeah through the glare of the sun drunk air so that can be its own thing for the glare of the sun drunk air the eroded steep Trail slowed like that um and so cutting out all of this I in you um let's see yeah we get the rhythmi too the way was soft with pine needles it's not a great line the way was soft with pine needles trees or poetry most are Lodgepole what about that like that the pine-centered breeze was poetry sang I guess we should well for let's say we'll keep in the past tense uh oops most wear logical ah most were logical the pine-sided breeze was poetry sighing half the tree used to deaden their feet wrecked in ragged insect infected casualties let me not to look away up the Timberline twin Alpine Lakes clear trout swimming quiet descending was fluidies body breath I don't know where that you came from um anyway the setting was fluidies body breath and path and sync I forgot poetry forged mushrooms and said what if that was the entrance of the eye what's the poem what do we lose what do we gain by having the poem here and let's take it something that we we pulled out um and make that the title um what if it was like this is the title let's see how much more interesting the poem feels when we do this bam so then we wonder about the U2 the whole way through let's just go like title case for that bigger let's do that so here's the poem now the long title you suggested shade the almost always rocks poking me underfoot the Knight is a lure I think it should be was because we're doing past tense let's say the Knight was a lure maybe we can say it is I don't know let's keep it is we'll have to work on that verb verb you know the conjugation later verb tense so anyway you suggested shade the almost always rocks poking me underfoot I don't know if we need that the night is a lure fatigue a feathery charm fewer words but apt ones debacle salt obsidian Yonder something moving in a verb through the glare of the sun drunk air the eroded steep Trail slowed the way it was soft with pine needles trees or poetry most were lodgepoleless hind scented Breeze was poetry sighing half the tree stood dead on their feet wrecked and ragged insect infected casualties up top at Timberline twin Alpine Lakes clear trout sewing quiet I forgot poetry forward foraged for mushrooms instead hmm yeah I mean the poem still kind of needs more of a turn but I but see how just I wanted to show just how much how how much the poem is strengthened by taking out the the individual relationships here because um by saying that the characters that are appearing in the poem because the images was what was moving you don't need that you don't need that story you can have it all in the title where the you suggested shade um there's a you and me here so we kind of have that backdrop but then we just get to experience all the really great images and so I think that's the direction I would take this poem even though I do think it still needs more of a turn at the end um um maybe we could even again maybe we could even cut more and just end like this and leave it sort of hovering that's a possibility too so um I don't know the rest suggestions there I haven't looked at the comments yet yeah so Spartacus likes the shorter version yeah yeah Emily the first is the first person suggested that the poet was irrelevant which was ironic because the poem exists yeah hmm but goodness has the mushrooms at the end are a funny turn an escape from poetry trees perhaps psychedelic that's interesting um yeah well well you can see how this is how I would play with a poem I think it hasn't quite found the ending yet here but otherwise I really like the way it moves and enters and then we get the scenes because we want the sort of scenes I think this is like a you want to enter the first person here and sort of be yours be seeing what the the hiker is seeing as as they go through the forest and I think that really makes the poem stronger and Tighter and then it's just a matter of finding the ending I think um Margaret Doyle said I'd leave the last two lines as R yeah yeah I mean we'd have to play with the verbs too um says why I have a verb there at all yeah maybe that's even better the night a lure fatigue a feathery charm well I think it works better with it is given the structure of these two lines but you could I mean there's a lot you can play with but just focus on those images that are really great and and strip out the the stuff in the poem stronger should we pass this maybe the end shows us that poetry exists whether or not we work at it that's a good point um okay so let's go to another poem and we have um a little bit of time left maybe we can do one or two more I am trying to make these just an hour though from you know now on so people can predict how long they actually are but let's um anyway I hope that was a helpful dab let's go next to let's go to um Roman bobac here's a Roman bowback again we have to uh switch over to this poem so hang on one second there we go back okay helicopter sighting over Prague March 6th that's the poem by Roman bobek there's a dampness in the air the kind that sighs on your neck snags and your throat a drumming slices through the sweat and I turn to the Ridgeline looking over the city where a man steps out of his car to watch a helicopter touchdown in a building beneath the crane bent like a giant fishing rod he lights a cigarette as I walk over and stand beside him he Grunts and I nod back and that way men are efficient with words he extends the cigarette I don't smoke but I'm not one to refuse an offer we pass silence between drags breath leaving brief contrails the helicopter Rises over the Penelope and our eyes track the metal dragonfly into the fog the drumming dissipates we turn to leave knowing neither will remember the other only the machine that brought us together um what is the panel paneliki another word to look up Penelope is a colloquial turban Czech in the slovic language for a large panel system panel building constructed of prefabricated pre-stressed concrete so like this kind of um building this kind of prefab yeah oh care about cookies so this is the this is what that word that panel like e so now we know thanks for the education um um so so for this poem helicopter setting for Prague March 6th and it builds up the scene really nicely so helicopter starting over Prague March 6 there's a dampness in the air and I think that's a great line a little blunt statement that gives us a feeling like we can feel it in our skin already we know it's we we have that we know uh what's going on there's a helicopter setting we know where we are we're Prague we can sort of we can really start to feel really quickly how it is to enter this poem and be in this space so that's a really great start we're not lost at all the kind that size on your neck snags and your throat I think that works a drumming slices through the sweat and I turned the Ridgeline looking over the city where a man slips out of his car to watch a helicopter touchdown in a building beneath the crane bent like a giant fishing rod I think it's really good too great descriptions of that and we still get the scene playing out really well he lights a cigarette as I walk over and stand beside him he grunts I nod back and that way men are efficient with words he extends the cigarette I don't smoke but I'm not one to refuse an offer we pass a silence between drags breath leaving brief contrails the helicopter Rises over the penalaki and our eyes track the metal dragonfly into the fog the drumming dissipates um knowing neither will remember the other only the machine that brought us so it's the ending that just doesn't feel like it does enough to me so the drumming dissipates I'm engaged with the poem the whole time and then I'm thinking like well what is this going to lead to that's going to make me you know it's similar to to the Nate Jacob poem where um you know it doesn't no there's no transformation taking place it's just sort of showing the scene in a really strong way but then what is the the meaning of the poem that I'm supposed to take from it it's a little a little more difficult to to feel it like it feels kind of one note and so so it really just needs to Define its ending um something surprising some kind of twist or turn um we turn to leave and then something else happens or something else some other way of hmm you know it is interesting though I mean to think about how you you know encounter so many strangers throughout the day especially in a city that you never will see again and there's a feeling of that it's one of those things there you know there's like a German word for it um the feeling of um having a brief connection with a stranger which is what we're trying to go for in the poem I'm not really feeling it with the ending um it's more like describing how um you know how you're feeling and trying to tell us how the feeling is rather than making us feel that with the way the poem ends and it really right to return to leave knowing that there could be there's got to be something else some some final line that makes us feel it rather than think it and that's what the poem is missing otherwise it's really great um yeah because the the you know read smoothly the scenes play out nicely that one word isn't too much because you know you can look up a word and not get frustrated and then you get to learn a word so that's nice too um yeah let's see what the comments are and Matthew says it's Europe the Empire of smoking yeah um tambarla says interested in that they share a cigarette wouldn't see this engagement this country oh that's a good suggestion so Emily de Ferrari says I almost want to know what happens to the cigarette and with return to leave the cigarette ground under a foot or something like that yeah that's a good idea um dally says such good poems and yeah I mean the fact is like I always say when we do these lightning rounds um you know we're getting kind of nitpicky there's there's nothing with a language that's wrong because people who want to do the critique of the week every week know how to write you know so so there's no um you know there's really clear interesting images we're engaged in the story there's a lot of stuff you know there's just poems that are missing a little bit or you need some trimming or cutting um yeah yeah so so remember bobek says that's why I'm trying having trouble with I was hoping fresh eyes could figure out what I'm trying to get I love the idea of Emily uh D Ferrari's here Roman that of any on the cigarette somehow and maybe someone else comes by to sweep up the cigarette days later or I don't know like leave on something like that that instead of like telling us that we'll never remember each other like like show us the way that we don't in a city or um you know something like that um there's a way you can add an image that sort of represents it and that's the thing to find and that's that you know it's a hard thing to make a great poem is to figure out what what stands in for that but it's like sort of set up and you're just it's like one of those it feels like playing volleyball and like it's a perfect set and you're just waiting for the spike you know and um and then the spike hasn't come yet so you know so cut that ending um and and I really do like the idea of the cigarette um because that is a detail that was gone throughout um yeah Mark Greer has a good point too what is the date and the title have to do with the rest of the poem there's a description of the relationship between the men enough to carry the poem as it must uh I believe yeah so so why is it March 6th too that that does I forgot about that detail but if you say the date it makes it feel like it's significant because anything you point out sort of has significance and so why is that date significant maybe there's a reason we don't know or um or maybe it should just be cut and if there's a reason we don't know maybe hinting at it more with an epigram or something like that yeah yeah but follow that image further like what would or just the curb or the the way the silence Falls after the helicopter leaves and you've left too like we leave like the silence I mean that's kind of cliche but something like that um yeah and yeah and Dallas says Mark I think it's about a trivial day turned out to be a poetic experience yeah I mean that is and there's that feeling of whatever that is where you you have this I mean they they swapped a little bit of spit on that cigarette you know and then they're never gonna Never Gonna mention this thing again except for the poem might not even remember it and that's always a really interesting thing so it's just a way to find the way that it ends and then it made you whenever possible in a situation like this because I think that's usually stronger um Emily defy says the poem suggests the tenuous temporary nature of our contact with each other great way to put it the date and the title seemed to me to accentuate that the poem is a moment in time yeah I wonder so instead of maybe helicopter sighting in Prague what if we um like like 1 58 P.M what if we did that as like instead of this um do it like a little thing so we date the poem and not part of the title and then they'll highlight the thing that Emily suggested too about it being about the temporary nature and that this one moment was like um a moment that seems so innocuous but also is so profound because those moments are and so I think that's a really interesting uh interesting point Emily two great comments there in this poem and good poem it's just a matter of find the ending I think just play with play with what you can Linger on that scene after the people leave and I think that will will um be the solution it feels right in that regard okay so let's do one more even though it's past the time the critique the the lightning rounds are what made me go longer with the with the hour-long show there's so many good poems they're fun um yeah okay let's do one more poem and let's do another uh pull I don't think we've done before who is um let's see I'm going to take a second for me to open this because it's uh Open document file but that's no problem it just doesn't open automatically in Word so I have to start to find it hang on oh I can't open this file format okay let's look at it right in the screen I don't know why I couldn't but it wouldn't let me open word like it usually does so let's um let's take a look at this one quickly this is um the poet is uh Gillian mellor and Gillian says just looking for any feedback in this poem how could improve good points bad points you know the drill so here we go let's take a quick look at this and then we'll have to wrap up the critique for this week but here we go this is um how does the Poetry editor concentrate for this long interesting question I don't know how does the Poetry editor concentrate for this long the Poetry editor radiates expectation as he sheaves through a printed out ream the great poem concealed here could be just two millimeters away yes that's true you know it's true to form he's not gone mad with the highlighter the makeup resting on the Contours of his face is light his forehead seems free of Botox and though his lips remain unfulfilled they often break into a smile inside the liner he uses to Mark passages for correction his eye is glitter under the sh and their Shadow as they flick across multiple screens not Beyond learning from the mascara wands of others he calls up past poems like colors and a shade card draws up a sigh through the flared colon of his nostrils tries to make sense of a last line pulse through the iambic pentameter perhaps it has shifted his thinking to the owner of his favorite nipple which once hardened beneath his fingers fast as pink chilly rapid drying nail liquor lacquer wandering if by some slim statistical or wondering if by some slim statistical blip of good or bad fortune I'll ever see it again I think it's an interesting poem um how does the Poetry concentrate for the song I think it's a really interesting title really sets the stage for the poem and what's going on um oops I'm gonna have to um so I can see the comments I'm gonna have to move this over does that work ah let's see if I move the comments here that's how I could do it okay now I can see the comments um Emily says Freudian slip Tim lip's unfulfilled was actually fulfilled okay so yeah so with this poem I'm wondering um I don't know I I've enjoyed it The Poetry here to radiates let's go I'll scroll quickly line by line and see if for things because I think there's a nice um it tells a story it pre it presents a scene really well the title works really well it's engaging right away The Poetry editor radiates expectation is he sheaves through a printed out ream it's really nice description there interesting words sheaves through as a verb a printed out ream that's great the great poem concealed here could be just two millimeters away he's not gone mad with the highlighter the makeup resting on the Contours of his face is light his of course this is his typo his forehead seems free of Botox as far it seems free of Botox on those lips remainderfield I'm not sure I understand the um unfilled I did it again I wonder why his lips remain unfilled oh I think I'm just I'm not thinking of the botox at that point and that's why I'm thinking of like his immense emotional state that's why I keep reading it wrong the makeup resting on the Contours of his face is light his forehead seems free of Botox and though his lips remain unfilled they often break into a smile inside the liner he uses to Mark passages for correction his eyes glitter under Shadow as they flick across multiple screens not Beyond learning from the mascara wands of others so this um the mascara wands of others that the makeup references I'm not sure because it's almost like a metaphor but I'm not sure where to how for what he calls that past poems like colors and a shade card it all kind of works but I'm not but it sort of seems arbitrary or randomly chosen past poems like colors and a shade card draws up a sigh through the flared colon of his nostrils tries to make sense of a last line pulse through with iamic pantamner another great turn of phrase there perhaps it has shifted his thinking to the owner of his favorite nipple which once hardened beneath his fingers fast as pink chilly rapid dry nail lacquer wandering if by some slim statistical blip of good or bad fortune he'll ever see it again hmm I don't know I think it's a pretty good poem and I'm not sure what to change about it really yeah so Deputy says I'm not understanding references to makeup I'm not either hmm yeah it's a nice vignette it creates a picture this whole like the daydreaming while reading that so Deputy says I agree that makeup could be about editing makeup even not sure this metaphor works for me yeah I mean it doesn't say that directly and I think didn't it say that the um let's see but he's not gone mad with a highlighter um I guess that's it but yeah I think maybe maybe that's the metaphor that's intended but it's a bit of a leap but is it like a character sketch it's nice it holds my interest and then moving from the the poem to like daydreaming about this nipple that that you might never see again is an interesting turn I think that that the Arc of the poem works well um yeah but like Deputy I'm not sure that the makeup metaphor works let me look at the Facebook comments Sherry passage of the makeup references mean he is role playing a role maybe the botox references the appearance of the woman who's clearer later that could be I just don't get it but I like the rest yeah so so it's sort of just like there's a missing element to it that we aren't really understanding um Nancy sibling says similarly or smile typo did I read it oh I did I read it wrong yeah so they often break into a simile instead inside the liner yeah I think that's one of those you know it's a it's a visual pun um yeah and I'm just reading it wrong because I was thinking about the poem they often break into a simile inside the liner he uses to Mark passages for correction but how could lips I guess that's the thing too so similar to um the unfilled nothing about Botox um it's hard to imagine lips breaking into a simile um inside the liner he uses to Mark passengers for correction yeah I don't know it's an interesting poem let me uh Kimberly killing me unless he works for tips of course yeah um yeah and everyone's wondering see that's the thing we had a um this is an interesting point too we had let me show this um let me um what was it which poem was it um there was when we published is it gonna be in here it was um oh it was Janine hold daily I think right yeah yeah this is the palm so let me yeah I'll just read this poem and point out one point because I don't know what else to say about um about that the the connection feels like a too big a leap to the makeup I'm not sure so it needs some kind of like Bridge across that for the poem to kind of come together but it's well written and interesting so I think um I like this Jerry steffenses says or no Andrew says the title wins the day we can all go home that's great thanks so much Andrea um anyway but let's look at this I want to show you one thing because this is an early lesson in uh this was from 2005 so it was like my first year at Rattle and here was a lesson in uh as an editor I read this one by Gina helgaly this is um to a self-proclaimed manic depressive stripper poet after a reading and so you'll see the line I'm talking about in a second let me get rid of that remember you are a blank page no amount of shopping can cure one night you go out in tassels the next like a nun but we still love you can't hold your liquor never mind little angel little bomb thrower where would our malls be without you and the readings you give in your course that are always good for a crowd I didn't stop to give you any advice get moving scream Self Magazine or get medicated stay in the sun one more roast beef sandwich to watch you wear yourself out for the Muse in the mirror you continue to shrink and I tell you eat this piece of cherry pie it's laced with cinnamon it may be lithium also right but remember writing will not be the death of you or the life keep watching the skies or skis sign a Happy tune if this world doesn't know the magic they behold create it for them remember to paint over the lines forget your high heels and dance Cinderella dance that is um Gene helgales to a self-proclaimed manic depressive extra for poet after a reading and um and there's just this one line sign a Happy tune and when I published this poem this was back in the days of um you know not a lot of um social media I guess there was um was there some I think there was some but um but I got a bunch of like letters in the mail from subscribers telling me about this typo um and then when we um publish it online too people keep saying it should be sing a happy tune sing a happy tune not sign what a typo because people love pointing out typos and of course it's supposed to be sign that's part that's in the context of the poem uh but so many people are going to actually read it as if it's a typo because there's something that we have a lot of typos in the world today it's not a day with like a small amount of print where we're always um where we're always expecting things to be right and correct so when we see something that looks like it might be a type but we assume it just is a typo and the same thing happened here with this smile simile thing um you know a lot of people are assuming it's typo so that's the kind of visual thing that you have really you have to be a little wary of as a writer that people are going to assume any kind of like play in that way is an accident and just the editor missed it and so I I don't include um or unless it's like so uh like a poem is doing a lot but if home just does it once I almost like don't you know I edit out that or talk to the poet about it because um it ruins the poem for all the people who think it's a typo and you're and you're just like thinking about that typo which is glaring like red light blinking in the middle of the poem even though it's intentional even though it's a pun and we're being playful and it makes sense and so you have to be worried about that as a writer so that's a good lesson that I learned early on back in 2005 from that poem and a good lesson to pass along here to end the critique so thanks everybody for joining me I wish I had more to say the poems are kind of they're good and when they're good you know it's just small things to talk about um and change which is fun too because we get to look at a different sort of level of analysis so thanks for sharing those everybody who did sorry to those who didn't have a chance to as I mentioned there's going to be no critique of the week next week I'll be in Cincinnati at the Haiku North America conference but we'll be back in two weeks another critique if you'd like to participate go to rattle.com critique um submit two poems um just like a regular submission process but they'll be picked eventually it it will go over them um or if we can as many as we can so do that if you would like there's gonna be no um there's going to be no rattlecast this week either because I'm out of town but we will have a special airing so if anybody would like to tune in um the time is not listed on this flash screen but the conversation with Ian mcgilchrist which I did September 21st 2022 was published in print in round number 78. it's a brilliant one about the bifurcated brain and the way that that dual processing Works to spark creativity about how poetry sort of the stuff of the right brain in our society now as the stuff in the left brain and so poetry is one of the antidotes to the matter with things as he and puts it in the Gilchrist of course as a psychiatrist and um and he's the author of um um the Masters Emissary that great book about the bifurcated brain and the way that that dual processing system that so many creatures in the in the world have adapted to in order to um either you know because we have to have two processes we have to avoid being eaten and also eat and they're so different that we need two brains to do it running in parallel and uh poetry is really the way that those two connect so it's a fascinating discussion with Ian mcgilchrist um but it's going to air live at the regular rattlecast time um that is 8 PM Eastern on Monday night it's going to preview the your broadcast and a Premiere the actual thing if you want to tune in and watch with everybody else you can have commentary go by as it goes it's also going to be a podcast version on the podcast so uh check that out and then the week after that we'll be back with a regular rattlecast with NFC poets and that's the special time Monday July 3rd 3 P.M Eastern 12 p.m Pacific and that's because there are a couple of British poets we want to make sure can join us that's going to be rattlecast number 200 nft poets two weeks from or one week for Monday I guess I should say July 3rd at 3 P.M Eastern so hope you can catch all those and we will see you soon hope you have a great week and uh weekend and all that in the meantime talk to you later goodbye [Music] thank you [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you

Channel: Rattle Poetry

Views: 1,357

Keywords: poetry, poetry readings, creative writing

Id: U_rfJrGX1B0

Length: 83min 35sec (5015 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 24 2023