Criminal Darwin Awards

yo yo yo just before we get started today uh i'm gonna jump in this is future simon here recording something before the video you're about to see just to say that this weekend is something called labor day i have no idea what that is to me labor is a political party but apparently it's a holiday in the u.s and teespring the company that do the merch are an american company so if you use the code labor day one word spelt without the u because in the uk we spell labor l-a-b-o-u-r uh just labor day l-a-b-o-r day labor day one word god am i belaboring this you will be able to go over and get ten percent off merch until tuesday there are new merch items this is the keep calm and blaze on t-shirt which uh feels very british for a uh american sale day but there's also the uh there's the free danny t-shirt and there's a few other ones that you guys have been asking for so 10 off enjoy your labor day americans whatever that might be let's get into the video [Music] hello everybody welcome back to a brand new episode of business plays i am your boy with the blaze aka simon in this one we've got something that is totally unrelated to business because uh i have i have no good reasons for this anymore sometimes we just don't cover business topics my apologies if you've clicked on this expecting something intelligent or you've come to the wrong place this is the criminal door oh i know why we did this because we did all these corporate darwin awards like part one part two part 17 and they did really well so i was like well let's just do a regular darwin awards because i'm a bit bored of the corporate one so uh here we go welcome what happens here if you are new is that danny writes me a script i shall read the script and uh be unfunny and then sam will add some memes if you're wondering why this paper looks weird it's because i ran out of paper again and um i'm just i i tore these off like an old bad that i got from a congress center so i just printed it on the back so that's that's what's happening on a desolate corner of a cold and wet beach in blackpool a solitary figure sits on a stripy deck chair seemingly oblivious to the wind howling around his bony ears and the dark ripples of a storm creeping ever closer to his chosen spot two comments here one i love the fact that now danny starts every business place with a story because i once told him that i really liked it second comment is there such a thing i don't think there's bone in your ear i think it's cartilage do people have bony ears his skeletal feature is largely hidden by a long black cloak the figure props up his scythe next to the ejector deck chair lights up a strand cigarette releases a satisfied groan and then starts flicking through the pages of reader's digest why uh even death deserves a day off every now and then if it means yeah death definitely doesn't have ears danny even if it means some people have to wait a little longer than usual to feel his icy grasp around their necks in the case of 21 year old michael anderson goldwyn from south carolina he probably felt as if it dodged a visit from the grim reaper back in 1981 have you guys i i assume most people have seen that final destination film that is [ __ ] creepy where it's like oh yeah you survived a roller coaster accident which bizarrely we covered in detail on a recent business place then it's like death is hunting you and you're gonna die in all these crazy ways i quite liked it i think there's probably like final destination two three four and whatever i think i saw the first one wait well that was a plane and then there was one with a roller coaster and that's all i've been spending my time watching final destination instead of movies like the godfather she was like why haven't you seen the godfather i don't know i don't really like gangster movies i saw goodfellas is all right oh i did like that one with oh god but it wasn't really a gangster movie with kaiser so say the usual suspects that was good after being found guilty of a brutal murder while and worst work release from prison oh no we're talking about killing again it's never funny i was like yeah yeah i could make it funny i couldn't from prison on an earlier savage fence he was sentenced to death by electric chair this was later controversially commuted to a life prison sentence but death had clearly already made a note in his filofax and it what he wasn't impressed about this last minute pissing about with a change of plans a few years later in prison wait he survived for a few years that's okay like if i was in the electric chair and that i got to live for a few years afterwards i'd be like it's pretty good a few years later in prison michael showed why men should never try to multitask while sitting naked on a metal toilet he was simultaneously attempting to repair a pair of headphones which were plugged into the television set after deciding to bite through one of the headphone cables michael electrocuted himself and died instantly on that metal thailand oh michael what are you doing although i wouldn't think there would be enough electricity coming through like a headphone plug on a television but also don't bite through cables that plug don't buy through cables number one mikey number two don't bite through cables that are plugged in lesson learned like my 9 month old baby tries to bite through cables so we had to uh uh child proof the house because i came into the room while i was just chewing on a like on an electricity cable leading to a lamp and i'm like whoa don't do that gonna have to get those cables out of the way now because you've got teeth oh god i'm a terrible father it was as if he was determined to carry out his original sentence that he felt he deserved but with just a slightly less dignified hot seat yeah dying on the toilet is not how anyone wants to go we seem to have become a bit preoccupied with the comedy gold mine of death in recent business place videos oh god it's not there is it danny and we may as well keep going while we're on a roll but at least this time we're looking at criminals who very probably had it coming rather than double amputee war veterans falling out of roller coasters although our recent corporate darwin awards videos have taken a look at some of the most ridiculous self-implosions of businesses this time we're getting back to basics with a look at some of the failed hoodlums who managed to do the world a favor by removing themselves from the human gene pool are carrying out their dastardly deeds how the [ __ ] do i come up with a show it's like yeah yeah do darwin awards but just for criminals i think i was like yeah corporate i would have word ward sounds good criminal darwin awards i didn't realize really realize the implication that we're just gonna be talking about criminals who got darwin awards it's a bit weird isn't it welcome to the blaze i can't call myself the blight i can't say that because there's that that right-wing channel called the blaze and i took the piss out of them and all the right wing is in the comments like oh that blaze is a very legitimate new source and i'm like yeah but it's not is it i'll chill out don't worry it's like michael moore's also [ __ ] crazy don't worry every side has their weirdos although it does seem like the right has more of them doesn't it so this time we'll be looking at stories such as the scottish railway enthusiast who decided he fancied a bunch of free copper the electric trains in glasgow pick up their power from overhead cables which transmit any excess through the rails to a solid copper cable which redirects to a power redistribution box i know people steal copper cables but they do run electricity so do be careful the railway enthusiast enthusiast sounds like he's just a like petty criminal studied his train timetable carefully and worked out there would be a 10 minute slot in which no trains would be traveling on the rails and no electricity flowing through the copper cables well at least he did that so this would be an ideal opportunity to cut through the reasonably valuable copper cables and make off with them late that day the police found his charred remains on the tracks after rifling through the deep his deep grilled overcoat they came across a timetable that was out of date oh no use the internet i remember train time tables they were these little fold-out books that all these tiny numbers in them and i'm like oh the past was lame oh my god i don't know if we'll be out yet but i've had uh our designer create a t-shirt which just says the past was the worst i'm sure no one will buy it because it's it's just one of my favorite sayings so i largely wanted it for myself but that's the joy of being the boy with the blaze if i want something if i want a t-shirt that says you know face i can just get that made up if you want a t-shirt that says face about your friends it's a joke or maybe if you are a face no one buys themselves a t-shirt that says face people buy enough of that i'll wear it but even with slightly more careful planning so many of these misled souls who venture off the rails seem destined to book a disastrous date with death even when he appears to just be chilling out on the beach for a bit with a game of travel scrabble danny what is going on you can't play travel scrabble by yourself here are some of the more notable scoundrels who died in the name of criminal stupidity i feel like that was the introduction but we also got two really good stories so thanks danny bonus missed target although the scottish railway enthusiast oh my god we're back here again made one minor mistake in his plan to steal a bit of copper here's a guy whose plan seemed fatally flawed in just about every possible aspect in 1990 american david zabak decided to hold up a store in renton highlands near seattle in washington he could have gone for a bank or a post office or a supermarket or a service station but no david's gunning plan result of a gun store oh david yeah everyone knows this have you not played grand theft auto you don't hold up the ammunation you go in there and the guy's like block off shock and he's like yeah should have realized that uh the problem with holding up gun stores is there tends to be other guns all over the place as well as ammunition for the guns and a lot of customers who like guns that are probably carrying guns i didn't even think about that yeah in grand theft auto you're in the ammunition it's just the guy but it's also like bro everyone else in that store is good they have a they're the gun range in the back dude don't rob there come on on this particular day there was also a marked police car right outside the store but this didn't seem to bother david he walked cheerfully around the police car and made a dramatic entrance into the store with his 38-caliber semi-automatic pistol announcing his intention to rob the joint the place was packed with gun-loving customers david you are a [ __ ] dum-dum aren't you uh one of the dudes inside the store was the owner of the vehicle outside an armed veteran of the king county police boss who was enjoying a coffee with the store's owner can you imagine him like dude really it's like a comedy movie it's like i would the cop in my mind would be vince vaughn and vince vaughn would just look at him with that vince vaughn face like really dude come on that's a terrible vince spawn impression but you know what i'm talking about perhaps realizing that at the last second that this wasn't the greatest idea in the world david panicked and opened fire no it's unclear how many shots were fired as some of david's clumsy shots actually struck ammunition on the counter causing it to explode it seems that another minor niggle in his strategy was that he wasn't very good at firing a gun what is clear is that both the police officer and the store's owner are quick to return far more accurate fire and david was shot three times in the chest he died from his wounds in the hospital a few hours later thankfully nobody else was injured i mean it's sad that he died i mean is it no no no like i don't know dude if he was just robbing the store and he didn't fire it then i'd be like okay he's just desperate but don't fire your gun just use it as a threat pro tip also another pro tip for all of you budding gun robbery folks out there uh don't rob a [ __ ] gun store we'll never know if david's back had any follow-up schemes but i imagine that he was already planning to loot the petty cash box at the united states military gun stores i'm sure they have some money i mean guns aren't cheap but you know we're also [ __ ] money banks and [ __ ] escape into danger back in 2005 a south african mugger very probably allowed himself a second of self-congratulation when he figured out he managed to escape from a mob of angry security guards along with a buddy he'd been up to no good at oh god blom fontaine no it's it's dutch or like afrikaans i guess those like blonde fontaine eta you speak dutch say blond fontaine bloomfontaine let me come back i beg of you no about 400 kilometers southwest of johannesburg they were in the process of taking a cell phone and a purse or a young couple at knife point when the woman suddenly screamed in terror and a team of security guards burst onto the scene the other marker was reasonably fit and managed to evade capture from the guards by swiftly legging it but it seems as if the first mugger had been over-indulging in scotch eggs and was a bit out of shape oh god if you're a duo mugging people and you got a knife why does there need to be two of you for one and also two if you're that guy who ran away you'll be like oh no please don't turn on me peter brew as the guards gave pursuit he was getting increasingly out of puff and was aware that they were getting closer and closer turning a corner he spotted a high fence oh no this is the darwin awards he's not going to be able to turn on anyone because he's going to die i spotted a high fence i managed to sum up his last reserves of energy to scale the fence and drop down 10 meters onto the other side oh no he's a zoo isn't he he's at the blonde fontaine zoo oh no there's going to be like a tiger or something there the zoo guards didn't notice this and raced right past the fence very probably in the direction of the wild geese oh i like it the mugger must have paused to catch his breath and give himself a well-deserved pat on the back before he heard a faintly alarming growling noise oh no as a tiger or a bear or something i can this is the worst way to go what had actually gone and done was throw himself into a cage with two bengal tigers ah who began to slowly show great interest in the new visitor who'd come to play and tigers play very differently to humans they play with your insides the security guards eventually gave up the chase assuming the mugger had managed to get away it wasn't until feeding time a few hours later lazuki became across a human corpse in the tiger cage which had been brutally mauled to death yeah dude the guy comes in hey why are the tigers hungry oh shh it's not the first time that a south african criminal has been dished out justice from a zoo animal jesus christ south africa a few years earlier in 1997 a fleeing gunman had made the mistake of jumping into the enclosure of a 200 kilogram gorilla called max in a panic the gunman shot and wounded max but that didn't stop max from performing a citizen's arrest and pinning the gunman against the wall until the police arrived okay that's the first time you're grateful for falling into the gorilla cage ah thank [ __ ] it's not the tigers those bastards pinprick next next one when pal flight or pal maybe i don't know 8 12 took to the sky oh my god i saw a great movie the other day that 7 500 from amazon studios on amazon prime with joseph gordon levitt is really good definitely worth a watch it's really sad took to the skies from francisco bangoy airport francisco bangoy airport in davao at 2 pm on the 25th of may 2000 the craft was carrying 278 passengers as it headed towards manila sadly one of the passengers was a raving nutter called augusto la candula about an hour into the flight he suddenly donned a blue ski mask and swimming goggles and took out a handgun and a grenade from his hand luggage ah yes pre-911 when you could of course just board a plane with a gun and a grenade this alone makes me think that francisco bangai airport really needed to tighten up their security procedures just a little bit yeah no he then marched into the forward galley where some of the cabin crew were seated and pointed the gun at the flight attendant's head and announced that this was a stick up it appears that augusto's only ambition was to rob the passengers on board the flight and then parachute out of the plane with all the dough what are you doing how much money do you think they have on them it's like when i'm like i'm traveling it's in my hand luggage i don't know 100 maybe the rest of the money is on in my bank so when i go to the country i can go to an atm and get some money in you know the currency that i'm gonna have to use although i guess this was two thousand so many people took so maybe people took money with them also can you parachute out of a commercial jetliner is pretty high it sounds like an odd plan but he did manage to drum up 25 000 in total from the passengers before ordering the plane to be lowered to 6 500 feet to carry out the last phase of his master plan okay that makes sense he did get it down to a reasonable altitude um this seems wildly dangerous though love parachute jumped and the idea of parachute jumping out of a plane i mean those those engines are really big i feel like they're gonna [ __ ] you up somehow augusto pulled out oh no he's gonna get stuck in the engine or something isn't he that would be pretty rough augusto pulled out a homemade nylon parachute bro bro bro homemade parachute two words that should never be put together from his seemingly bottomless hand luggage in which what the [ __ ] was airport security up to that day oh yeah you got a ski mask gun grenade and a homemade parachute welcome to pal airlines some witnesses claimed it looked more like a repurposed tent then after strapping on the parachute he ordered the opening of the rear door of the plane but hadn't seem to realize that things can suddenly get quite breezy when you're standing near an open door of a plane which is thousands of feet in the air he ended up getting a bit stuck pinned in such a position that he was half outside the plane and half inside the cabin at this point the head of the cabin crew a guy called francis cable noticed that augusto had relinquished control of the gun but was still clutching tightly onto his grenade while battling against the elements france has made a split-second decision reasoning that augusta had always intended to parachute his way out of the plane but appeared to be experiencing difficulty in doing this francis gave him a friendly shoved health on his way it's amazing bosh ah the grenade's going to go off isn't it oh no the final retaliatory act of augusta condula was to remove the pin from the grenade and toss it into the cabin what a [ __ ] [ __ ] except he got a bit messed up and ended up throwing the pin into the cabin whilst holding onto the grenade himself amazing oh no the small scraps of what were left of augusto were eventually discovered three days later in the mud of a small village about 70 kilometers south of metro manila uh his older brother would later claim that augusta was a misunderstood individual who always fancied himself having a go at skydiving but was never quite given the opportunity yeah because every time i go skydiving i take a [ __ ] gun and a grenade with me just in case i need to do some tom cruise [ __ ] also there's a fantastic video of how tom cruise really did the halo jump in i think it's the mummy is it the mummy movie whatever it is it's wild and it's so cool and i mean tom cruise is a little bit crazy but also gosh legendary move tom and the comedy people said that we couldn't laugh at death here we are where there is smoke musa shatui was sick to the back teeth of trying to flog stakes the jordinian immigrant ran a restaurant called stake time subs in west chester pennsylvania but in 2006 he was fed up with slaving away for the benefit of greedy and ungrateful customers and he was ready to flip his very last slab of meat musa decided that life would be a whole lot easier if he just hired a professional arsonist to torch the damn place so they could collect the insurance money so he hired a guy called joshua hunter to burn the restaurant to the ground joshua hunter sounds like a spy name apparently in return for the promise of a 60 000 a year job dude you burn the place down where do you think you're gonna work i'm hoping that musa had thought this through properly and the job wasn't meant to be a chef position at stake time subs but i'm not quite sure how one goes about hiring a professional arsenal arsonist as i imagine it'd be quite difficult to fact check the cv and references yeah dude when you're hiring someone to do something criminal i don't think you get that stuff you just have to be like go burn my [ __ ] down and they'll be like all right where's the money and it's like do you take check oh they'll be like no cash but however the process works muta made a mistake it turns out that joshua was a complete hopeless bloody amateur joshua tried on three separate occasions through the summer of 2006 to burn down the restaurant his first lame attempt involved simply throwing a perfectly harmless molotov cocktail through an open window later he upped his game by dousing a few chairs with flammable liquid and setting them alight only for the flames to quickly die down after a couple of minutes yeah dude i made furniture these days it's like it's hard to say i don't know this but everything's like flame retardant like it doesn't burn anymore i mean it's really light you gotta get a blaze going um you need an accelerant wow this this video is just full of tips for criminals following the third damp squib of an attempt the local community were beginning to become concerned about these apparent hate crimes targeted towards the jordanian immigrant moussa was even asked to appear on the local nine news channel during which he had to feign defend defiance in the face of these terrible non-incidents he told reporters i don't know who would do this but if someone is trying to shut me out of business it's not going to happen this is my life and nobody's going to take it away from me this i mean normally if the if someone tries to burn if your place tries to burn down three times and i'm the insurance like investigator dude i'd be like dude come on just 12 years late just 12 hours later musa was feeling frustrated about the lack of progress from his hired arsonist so he decided to give him the help in hand along with his son essa he decided to make the job as uh so easy that even the candid joshua hunter couldn't [ __ ] it up moser and essa spent the night spreading gasoline all over the furnishings of the restaurant so that all josh you would have to do is throw a match through the window or maybe another molotov cocktail if he was feeling particularly reckless now everyone deserves a little break after a rigorous session of work pouring gasoline all over the shop must have been strenuous for a few minutes for father and son so they decided to take a five minute break and have a cigarette no oh my god at zoolander in real life wake me up before you this is wish finally came true when steak time sub-spectacularly burst into flames although sadly moosa and esser got torched with it they didn't die instantly ah over 80 percent of both men's bodies were burned and they spent an agonizing few weeks in hospital before they eventually died from their injuries that is horrible ah we can't laugh at death slightly weirdly joshua hunter was later in prison for three years for manslaughter and conspiracy to commit arson even though he wasn't at the scene of the crime he was possibly the only person in prison to be serving ascendants for not setting fire to a restaurant okay he only got three years i see why you should get three years but for like attempted arson he didn't kill these dudes he wasn't even there he didn't even throw in the match the final how did you get there at courts the midas touch the final entrance into our criminal darwin awards deserves some sort of credit for thinking outside of the paint box even if his plan was a bit spotty 23 year old james t had decided to hold up a sprint store in sparkleberry lane in columbia south carolina in 2009. okay one there's a place called columbia in south carolina okay i bet they [ __ ] love cocaine uh and then also it's on a place called sparkleberry lane uh where do you live yeah 23. sparkleberry lay along with a buddy james burst into the store pulled out guns and stole wallets purses and credit cards from employees and customers before ordering everyone into the bathroom when you're holding up a store packed with surveillance cameras it's usually a good idea to make some kind of attempt to conceal your identity by wearing a balaclava or some kind of head covering yeah if you've seen any movie ever you know that's a good idea because people can do that thing identifying you yes identifying you but james t had quite a distinctive and fresh take on the whole concealed identity strategy he decided to disguise himself by covering his entire head in gold spray paint okay now if you ever bought spray paint and you might have come across certain warnings on the packaging which contain golden nuggets of advice about the toxic qualities of the paint metallic colors can be particularly pernicious and it's generally a good rule of thumb to try and avoid inhaling the paint or getting any on your skin or in your eyes i'm not sure if there's a specific warning on the cans which reads do not cover your entire head in this stuff whilst carrying out a robbery but i would assume that that kind of goes without saying also second time james bond is coming up this this episode but uh have you not seen goldfinger don't paint yourself gold everyone knows that also just use why not just use gold makeup like white spray paint dude and that stuff's not gonna come off they're gonna be looking for the golden headed van they're going to find you yeah we're looking for a man who has golden head it's not that many after stuffing all the stolen cash into their pockets two burglars made their exit from the sprint store but james t's cunning disguise was to let him let him down quite badly during the getaway he began to develop trouble breathing after coughing and wheezing for a few minutes he was ultimately overpowered by the toxic fumes from the paint and dropped dead before he could make it back home it killed him oh no just to make matters worse it turned out that spraying his head in gold had been a totally crap disguise anyway witnesses the robbery claimed they could easily have testified to the identity of james t just as they did with his accomplice who ended up getting charged with armed robbery he really should have gone with a balaclava they're not even very expensive they're probably cheaper than gold paint then again it's nice to think that as a solitary cloaked figure on a beach in blackpool looks up to the sky and notices that the cursed sun is coming out from behind the clouds he can at least enjoy a little bit of a thoughtful chuckle as he packs up the deck chair picks up his scythe and gets back to another fun-packed day at the office oh that closing danny this has been business blaze i really hope you enjoyed this episode if you didn't i would invite you to smash the dislike button and then purchase this shirt which says smash the dislike button that's about it actually oh you can do that at the link below or at perchthemerch.com for columbia south carolina see you next [Music] time gun grenade and a homemade parachute welcome to pal airlines

Channel: Business Blaze

Views: 241,851

Rating: 4.8352804 out of 5

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Id: t4IZh6yIMo8

Length: 24min 11sec (1451 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 06 2020