CreepyPasta (2023) Movie Review - Empty Calories

ah hello world web I'm D Shadow unit personality with best hair and last year we were blessed with a film adaptation of creepy pasta titled simply Creepy Pasta I mean sure there's plenty of short films and even some featurelength movies about creepy pastas but Creepy Pasta the movie from 2023 is a 90-minute rump through several much smaller stories kind of like a horror Anthology film well technically speaking that's that's exactly what this is but usually those movies have like three horror stories all tied together with one aring narrative whereas Creepy Past of the movie on the other hand oh we get a bunch of stories backto back to back kind of sort of tied together with one overarching narrative sometimes it's just kind of an excuse to show us a whole bunch of creepy pasta stories so let's take a look at creepy pasta and see a whole bunch of creepy pasta stories do you know what a creepy pasta is no I didn't expect a quiz first thing but yeah creepy pasta is derived from copy pasta which is derived from copy paste which it's its Origins just being something that's copied and pasted and shared around ad nauseum on the internet and creepy posa specifically falls into the horror genre in that it's got like ghost stories and urban legends that kind of thing it's a scary story shared on the internet I mean yeah if you want to be incredibly reductive about it but that does kind of skip over the part that makes a creepy pasta a creepy pasta you mainly the pasta part but they're much more than that well not that much more it really doesn't take that long to just cover the basic rules here I could tell you why but I'd rather show you we had a stretch a two-minute explanation over 90 minutes so we got to get the plot or what stands for it established a narrator is like hey there have been multiple disappearances that seem to start with this 14-year-old girl who was probably that other narrator wouldn't you know it she wrote creepy pastas something something connected to the string of disappearances detectives believe the clue to her disappearance could be found in her most recent story which apparently remains unfinished Jesus lady you got to stay focused you can't just start another project when you've got so many other wips we each have a story within us stories that tell us who we are not all of them have a happy ending Hey listen lady I've been reading creepy pastas for years and I cannot remember a single one of them with a happy ending anyway let's introduce the closest thing to a protagonist we have for this movie Marco played by Anthony Solano he walks in finds a pile of corpses and decides to say [ __ ] it and leave but he receives a [Music] message uh yeah brother finds himself in a house full of dead white people he ain't sticking around but Marco is a horror movie character and therefore not the brightest bulb in the Box much like the people who chose the crey pastes for this movie sure we see a reference to Ben drown in the background but it's not even a particularly accurate one and that's the best we get out of this story oh right the stories well you see Marco here has arrived to retrieve the only copy of his story but wouldn't you know it it's on a thumb drive and he has no idea which one so the only way to figure that out is to pop it into the handyandy laptop and check [Music] and despite the fact that he is clearly looking for his specific story and this is very much not it and no reason to just pull it out and pop in another one to check let's just kick back and watch it for funsies yeah that that is the plot thread holding this movie together on a dark and stormy night we see public domain horror movies and a poster on the wall that I'm pretty sure these guys did not pay the licensing fee for but the point is this young lady is being told by her friends that she snores and talks in her sleep not believing her her friend posits that she download a sleep recording app to hear for herself the strange things she says while unconscious but of course this is a creepy pasta so be cautious now so so much for that Skype call with her friend no worries it's late and should be heading to bed anyway with the sleep tracking app and that night it gives her strange [Music] notifications scary noises before they even appear spoiling the scares while at the same time making them even scarier investigating she receives more notifications resulting in more scary noises soon enough she hears one of the TV coming back on so running over to investigate it shows us nothing but don't let that spoil the mood because there's a monster under her bed that grabs her pulls her in and eats her funny didn't receive a single notification about that see for because it was all just a means of the monster under the bed to eat them both which they probably could have just done from the get-go while they were sleeping or is this kind of like a vampire entering your house rules and the monster can't eat them until they download the app and accept the terms and [Music] conditions yeah Marco I know they tend to not get any better so that wasn't his story better pop it another thumb drive and give it another grow this time A Tale of Two Sisters the older of them berates her younger siblings insistence on playing with sticks and rocks on the window sill the younger swears it's a game she's playing with her friend outside jumpy but how could that be they are on the second floor of the house you ruined our game no no no no no she just adapted it for a modern audience that taken care of they can finally get some sleep but what's this that night the older sister is awakened by the sounds of the younger sister off gallivanting and having fun it turns out she's outside with the incredibly tall weird friend that the older sister assumed was imaginary come inside you're not safe out there what are you so afraid of he's my friend he's not going to do anything Emma Emma and it kidnaps her because that's what monsters do and I have no idea how we somehow went downhill on the storytelling yet here we are the boogeyman doesn't go away when you get older he just Waits until the right moment to come back well is he going to be coming back anytime soon cuz there were 16 minutes into this thing and I'd like at some point for it to get scary well our next story is enshrouded in darkness color saturation set extremely low we watch as an old woman dependent on her oxygen mask hack up blood before something even more terrifying emerges may I have a glass of water please Hospitality obligations for guests truly no greater horror exists and I don't know what to say about the Deets of this particular tale it's very much visual an experience and not really laying at a story per se she moves away from the creepy child yet the creepy child remains doors go slam slam creepy kid fills his Balloons with her oxygen tank and she collapses a bug flies out of her mouth and monster pulls her into the Shadows okay Marco remember we got work in the morning we can't stay up all night watching shitty movies the characters in my stories never know what's going to happen to him well most stories aren't packed with Clairvoyance as such let's start at the next tale where a few ladies talk about scary things like how there is an acceptable amount of rat hair in peanut butter per FDA guidelines brain eating amibas exist in lake waters and of course the thing actually relevant to the story that when you think you see something out of your peripheral vision but turn to not see anything what you think you saw you really saw the Shadow People of unspecified alternate dimension of evil the whole reason we don't see them when we focus is because because of an evolutionary Advantage where if you don't notice them they can't cross over to kill you so whatever you do don't acknowledge their presence so they like an evil version of John Cena or just John Cena I guess and of course now knowing this what does she do once alone but realize she is not alone as she sees shadow people from her peripheral vision and armed with a knowledge of what they are cannot help but acknow their existence there is a plot somewhere in this movie we we will be getting to it eventually right Jesus marker you're enjoying this [ __ ] show way too much still not the right one so on to the next where we meet douchy mcdo face who smokes by the no smoking sign and even even walks where they say not to walk on grass real missed opportunity that he didn't park at least in front of a fire hydren or something or bring a dog but his license plate reads Troublemaker driving where he should not enter he returns home to take his medicine which should not be mixed with alcohol with alcohol worse of all he mixes Xbox controllers and Playstation but when he sees an emergency alert on TV that for some reason instructs him to not watch it this time he actually is trying not to but finds he cannot turn it off here he sees some poor bastard in a chair fish hooks in his flesh controlled like a marionette to use a telephone God admit this is a little more creative than I was expecting I was figuring this guy was going to meet his demise after reading the label on a silica packet he tries to ignore the call even going so far as to unplug the TV but it keeps playing and ing the man on the other end tells him do not scream but when freaky decky monster man pops up for half a second that kind of goes out the window and the hooks pull the man's flesh off his body next thing you know another call comes but this time it's nothing but growly breathing before Fish Hook after Fish Hook slowly descends upon [Music] troublemaker huh I don't know was that actually pretty good or are my standards just lowering in record time sometimes I don't know the rules either well how the hell do you even make a story if you don't know what your own rules are so I make it my own so there are rules in the story you just so how was oh never mind we finally have some plot to speak of 38 minutes into this movie Marco is looking over his pictures in his phone of his wife and best friend the mysterious person taunting him over it the entire time just make you happy well after five damn stories that didn't do diddly to move this plot forward I'll take what I can get so let's get right back to pointless stories that go nowhere a lower class looking fell pulls up to a small mansion with instructions to come inside and find Tiffany upon entering it turns out Tiffany is outside and considering she does want to be in the same location as this man that is a bit confusing but not as confusing as when he follows her into the woods only to be jumped by a bunch of ctist looking [ __ ] in masks who cast a spell that caused him to be teleported into a hellish post-apocalyptic nightmare Dimension where a spectral being leaps into him causing him to expel CGI goop for the cultists to collect in a jar so what the hell just happened does this body suit you my okay okay so she summoned this guy over there to use him as a vessel to bring back the soul of her her love and and therefore she could have she could have probably just got like any guy any anybody and and for some reason she decided to go with one of the background extras from 8 Mile that's it for that story then don't ask me how Marco is going about swapping USB drives now the in between shots of him have moved on to the guy showing more photos to the security cameras yet somehow the stories continue as we see a writer suffering from writer's block writing about the gray man but she cannot concentrate because constant messages interrupt her and it only gets wor worse when she finds out they are from the gry man they're not [Music] real and she dies from the gry man cool who the [ __ ] is the gry man anyway Marco can spit up blood and we can move on to another story a grandmother reads a bedtime story but the boy is scared someone is in the closet except no one is in the closet except there's a weird ghost boy in his room but the weird ghost boy is not the monster in the closet no grandma is the monster in the [Applause] closet I think I I don't know if this goes on for much longer I'm going to start popping into these stories to kill everybody anyway on to tale number nine a young lady must study but she is tired and needs rest so hey boyfriend go home if you here I wouldn't be able to resist your sexy ass I do have a sexy ass okay I have to be losing my mind because the way this guy is just so proud of his ass is just strangely endearing to me right now but how will she manage to get the studies she needs in the two days that remain before exams well it just so happens that Cousin Anna sends her some audio files in an email telling her simply that it works and she should play them and so she does no idea what she's studying but lesson one just so happens to be about a crazy serial kill killer whose Spirit has a handy-dandy incantation tried to it where you can summon it if you say it into a mirror mcro sh so the first thing she does is say the incantation into a mirror jeez and I thought Troublemaker made bad Life Choices surprising no one this summons the evil spirit who kills her anyway on to Story number 10 a babysitter shows up to watch a kid but the parents are already gone not to worry they call her up and give her the basic instructions how to care for their little bundle of joy when he wakes up should I make him anything thank you for taking this on such short notice we really appreciate you I have to go and only the basic instructions listen it's babysitting here there's no reason to get that deeply involved just wing it there's also Oddities like dog food on the ground and a half eaten dog bowl but and no big deal the babysitting gig goes about as expected we get spooky music and weird angles with a way too large spiral staircase the kid is one step away from Rosemary's Baby and of course there's the monster in the closet to worry about but that's reinforced with duct tape so no worries until it's suddenly open and the babysitter has no idea where the kid has run off to as it turns out a weird Shadow Beast was in that closet and so she rushes for safety but the dang old kid stays inside so she goes back in to get him but before she can something gets her mama what okay so they just bring babysitters every now and again to feed the thing and the police haven't caught on yet and the people haven't thought to maybe just say [ __ ] it and move but watch this after 10 meaningless Tales of everything was fine until it wasn't we have finally reached Marco's story not hard to guess based on the few Clues we had but hey his friend was boning his wife and so he murdered the [ __ ] out of both of them and in the process their unborn child and with the only copy of this story he can keep his illicit Deeds secret unless of course this entire movie was being streamed this entire time that's right kids Creepy Pasta means streaming on Twitch now I guess but it's not like he's going to have to have any greater payments for his crimes anyway because he just dies right there anyway his body joining the piles of cavers already occup Ying the place the end well it was far longer than it had any right to be wasn't scary and I could see the twist coming a mile away I guess it really does make a pretty accurate representation of creepy pastas Creepy Pasta the movie is 90 minutes of my life I'm not getting back the best I can say about the film is at least the people who put it together had a good sense of cinematography the acting was adequate and the whole thing never had any point where it ended up looking cheap not bad as the fact that not counting the main plot there are are 10 10 different stories we go through all with different settings there's a lot more variety in locations than you get out of a standard 90minut feature film but yeah having 10 stories in 90 minutes also means we don't have nearly that much time per story and they can't hope to be particularly deep horror Anthology movies tend to have stories that are a bit shallower than you'd get out of 90 minutes of a horror Tale But we barely have enough time to introduce the concept of the horror before the body count Rises and ends because it's time to move on to the next and while I can say the sets were varied the stories tend to follow the same structure it was a normal night until it wasn't it was a normal childhood until it wasn't it was a normal babysitting job until it wasn't there are a couple of exceptions but not enough to shake up the monotony of the experience of watching this movie then there's the main plot throughout or lack thereof as while there is an overarching story that is used as an excuse to string the rest together it isn't nearly deep enough to cover the intro outro and nine intermissions between stories so most of those breaks are just used to remind us that Marco exists the movie makes less sense if you think about it logically because if he needed his thumb drive that bad why is he spending all this time watching unrelated stories to completion why did he let his story play out 100% even not knowing that it's being live streamed wouldn't in the first few frames be enough of a clue like yeah that's it take the drive and get out of there at the end of the day Creepy Past of the movie is not a great film not a great Creepy Pasta story an okay representation of bad creepy pastas we spend most of our time reading but nothing to celebrate maybe scary if you've never seen a horror movie before but at best this movie makes adequate background noise you don't have to pay attention to or fod for a group of bad movie loving friends to chuckle at while it plays coming in at two closet monsters out of five I wasn't expecting much out of this but I also ain't expecting a creepy boster 2 after that thank you all for watching I've been deer Shadow and remember I also read creepy pastas every month for channel members and uh no those also don't tend to be any [Music] better I do have a sexy ass and this also is not my first foray into horror Anthology movies we also have Damen Leon's all Hollows Eve right there check out that review it contains the original terrifier and then we've got the algorithmically selected whatever that is I I don't know the algorithm don't like me I don't got to like it either

Channel: Decker Shado

Views: 28,913

Keywords: Decker Shado, creepypasta, movie review, review, review (media genre), film criticism, horror movie, bad movie, anthology, horror anthology

Id: Iysn8P-3X7g

Length: 20min 38sec (1238 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 04 2024