Congratulations Podcast w/ Chris D'Elia | EP61 - McNoyin

we're on and then this is how we start we [ __ ] clap is that on okay um look how we do with the [ __ ] business is how it goes down out this [ __ ] I look I feel like a real businessman alright um here we go ready this episode of congratulations is brought to you by the cash app do you want to get paid five dollars and also give five dollars to charity do you want to buy and sell Bitcoin instantly or get your paycheck deposited right to the app well I'll talk about the cash app and why it's the number one finance app in the App Store later on in the show but as for now download the free cash app for iOS or Android now [Music] nice alright yeah we're here what is it episode 61 - what happens is I have the paper that says all the stuff on the first first of all let me just shout out that song is a new song well it's it's a remix it's the mr. green remix shout out to mr. green who has made all the congratulations music so far the theme music and he also has done all of the music on all of my specials the guy's a killer and he did the chanc smith album which is a secret hidden gem if you know about chang smith then you're a real baby that's all I gotta say so check out mr. green and his [ __ ] and then so so what happens is this is what I do every [ __ ] week man it says episode whatever episode it is and then it has the first ad that I have to read I always read the first ad before I say what episode it is and I read the ad ad and I throw it that around and then after I throw it around [ __ ] I don't know what episode it is and then it's on the ground and I can't move because I got my [ __ ] headphones plugged in my life is really hard is what I'm saying anyway so it's episode 61 right I haven't get rid of says it's episode 61 so that's what's up anyway you know let's just get right into it dude how about how I'm not the actual guy that I play on the good doctor so you don't have to tweet me like I [ __ ] wronged dr. Murphy okay because I didn't do [ __ ] know what I did I took the money from the production flew up to Vancouver shot it and did whatever the writers told me okay I did it word-for-word I didn't add [ __ ] I didn't I didn't add [ __ ] and people are tweeting me from the good doctor because the last episode I did you know I was I was first I was I was I was Kenny I was Kenny I was uh I was uh the good doctors friend I was befriended the good doctor you thought oh maybe he's the good neighbor and uh turned out I did something shitty to him okay now if you didn't see it fine I'm not gonna you know I'm not gonna ruin it if you still didn't if you didn't check it on your [ __ ] DVR or whatever but everyone's it's like I'm on some some teen show we're like 12 year olds don't know and they're like you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] how could you do this how could you do that how could this and that all we thought we liked you dude people are like we thought we liked you Chris D'Elia but somebody wrote hey great job - I think it's googleman is how you pronounce her name she was a new person on the show along with me and like we were both been on we both start at the same time she's like you've been doing great Chris D'Elia not so much and I think that he meant because I was being shitty to Shawn I don't the guy was like 50 something and then I tweeted him back like why not and he said no no no you're a good actor I'm a big fan and I wrote back No stand by it don't [ __ ] backtrack and he wrote this isn't going to go well from end well for me the driver was rolling around in my bed like imagine being on Twitter thinking gonna say something and nobody's gonna see it and then the guy responds and you're like uh-oh Summa fave so anyway I'm also yeah what is it Fiona gubelman yeah she's killing it apparently on that I think she's gonna be in all of it actually I'm not I'm only in a few I was only in a few episodes I don't know if we'll be back for Season two anyway look at the [ __ ] bill remember the billions [ __ ] thing due date here we go with the billion season two or something that show billions is there's an ad on it on IMDB dude billions dude the most dramatic [ __ ] still I like - we made in front of this early on in the podcast I like how billions still they look at this [ __ ] they're even more dramatic than the first photo shoot in the first season they have [ __ ] a chandelier in it for [ __ ] sake and berries and a tilt and a spilled wine bottle Wow everyone's so serious that [ __ ] looks like a goddamn documentary oh my god hey um anyway so yeah I'm not the guy I'm not I'm an actor okay an actor I stole his pizza though that was the roughest I even though I stole his TV I [ __ ] I stole his pizza for some reason that was really twisted a knife at the end of this at the end of the show I if you find out I stole his TV I'm ruining for you I don't give a [ __ ] and and then I and then I go but thanks for the pizza and I take the pizza out of his hand the whole pie and I [ __ ] walked back into my apartment and shut the door on his face he's autistic a worst person I [ __ ] stuck the knife in that was I stole your TV by the way huh oh thanks for the pizza this is the what thanks for the pizza was and that's what the thanks for the pizza was the [ __ ] dice at the [ __ ] C rate in it every knife they ever sold on the knife [ __ ] QVC [ __ ] was serrated serrated it's beautifully serrated it couldn't just be serrated either it's beautifully saturated look at that just look at it everything on QVC just look at it they show you something then say just look at it a beautiful ceramic angel with wings from the artist itself they've made 20 of them look at it just look at it you know [ __ ] look at it it's on TV just look at it beautiful grape flavored dildo you can stick it on the wall it's got suction look at it just look at it rubber look at it they would say look at it about anything this beautiful twelve wronged ladder look at it yeah it's a ladder look at it they're like a [ __ ] deviant killer where it's like look at it you you were you again with the stabbing you [ __ ] stab them in the gut and then and then they go no and then they say look at it look at it look at the wound look at it you're like no you're killing me look at it look at that beautiful wound look at it it's a beautiful gash pumping blood spilling on the linoleum floor look at it anyway we're going live on my app if you don't have my app this is what this is what we do we shoot the podcast and we shoot it early and then we release it later on in the day usually on Monday sometimes Tuesday right if you know and and you know that because ie baby alright now we're doing it Sunday because I got a shoot alone together on Monday which is a [ __ ] great show you got to check it out and for the [ __ ] truest babies who downloaded my app you get to see it and be live with me hi guys you're on the app right now I'm waving to you I got my phone right here I'm going live and you guys get to see it on Sunday because you're the truest of all the babies anyway look at that beautiful gash it looks a little bit like a vagina have you ever noticed a knife wound looks like a beautiful vagina look at it look at it look at that vagina so [ __ ] Patrick Bateman don't just stare at it eat it I I was helping my parent my parent dude my parents here's the deal man they're like they're selling their house so they're selling their house and every [ __ ] thing that they it's like when you move you know the most annoying thing is to move because you got a pack everything up moving sucks you got to move it from one place to another place you get strangers in the house packing it all up they steal [ __ ] naturally they still [ __ ] and they're always called something [ __ ] terrible like rock and roll movers you know or like [ __ ] Teenage Mutant Ninja movers and it's just like so like just move my [ __ ] how about you call your company moving don't get cute with movers you're not baking cupcakes he boxing up microwaves you don't need to [ __ ] you know Dave and Mary's [ __ ] anyway so so my point is my point is my parents are selling their house and they sold it they sold it and so by the way how Jersey was it when I referred to pizza as pie it's the most [ __ ] that's the most Jersey thing you could do hey you got a pizza pie hey you want a slice of pie yeah slice of pie yeah is it Apple egg [ __ ] out of here apple pie [ __ ] America ah not do it hey hey it's a [ __ ] pizza pie anyway my parents are moving and it took like [ __ ] it took like um what do you call it uh they're like yeah come down to the beach we got stuff Chris you got a big car you know it's like you get the big car and everyone's [ __ ] asking you to do you get a big car could you help us so I went down last week and I posted some video of it on Instagram and then I went down [ __ ] again this week and they're like there's still some there's still some stuff we don't want the movers to take and I'm like really is it that or is it just you want to see see [ __ ] me and my brother again in the house before that you [ __ ] Lee because dad he sentimentally [ __ ] and so you know so I went down there and I did it and why did I bring this story up though I brought it up for a reason oh yeah because I [ __ ] love [ __ ] around man dude well like I said this [ __ ] in the first or second episode I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it and you could quote me on that [ __ ] I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it so so anyway I will Iowa they were packing up and every time I would like do one thing like a move one thing into a car I go I just got I just go like this I go all right well like that was the last thing and we were about to leave all right all right well guys that was [ __ ] man and they would be like Chris stop and I'm 37 but every time I did one thing like I would put one thing in their car and be like well that about does it the whole car would be [ __ ] empty and we're not even ready and they would be so and they'd laugh at first and then they'd be like alright come on you know stop and then I would just to that I'd be like well and then they'd get mad and then it became funny again you know which was the best because then my brother was like two more two more like such a little brother [ __ ] my brother's such a little brother dude do more do it more alright guys well that's about it [ __ ] I guess we got to go well it was great moving so anyway look at it yeah those good so what so here's another thing too by the way there's the first time ever printed out some notes I'm cute bro I'm [ __ ] you I printed out notes this time now [ __ ] cute took 61 episodes to [ __ ] get it together and I got [ __ ] 6 notes dude that's how we do it and I already hit good doctor tweets so we got [ __ ] 1 2 3 4 more notes so I had one note down let's talk about this one now oh let me tell you something man I go to a gym and it's cool and it's all good and it's all [ __ ] good and dude and I don't say this a lot ok but it's all good in the hood all right it's all [ __ ] gravy and I don't say either of those things ever I don't say it's all good and I don't I don't see it's all good in hood and I don't say it's it's all gravy but let me tell you something it's all good hood it's all gravy all right but dude I got the I got the the VIP I paid for the [ __ ] VIP locker room dude this [ __ ] [ __ ] is Narnia the regular the regular locker room is so crowded it's like a [ __ ] Japanese subway it's SSO crowded there are guys that walk around with their [ __ ] and balls out no I don't give a [ __ ] about that I don't care about that that's fine but three guys that's limit okay not everybody also some of them are real old and some of them are out of shape whatever it's not it's as clean as they make it the gym I go to is nice and clean it's as clean you got a lot of guys in there naked showering and [ __ ] there's gonna be some athlete's foot out per outbreak okay now every now and then I got the VIP [ __ ] bro it's [ __ ] unbelievable first of all you use an eye scanner to open the [ __ ] unlock the door hey dude what are we in a [ __ ] Tom Cruise movie we're a quick worst Keanu okay and then it goes become and then you conch and then it invites you when you go in dude it's like Narnia it's like you entered the [ __ ] wardrobe or whatever and they give you waters they got fruit there they got a lounge area in the VIP they got TVs they got [ __ ] nobody's ever in there and the guy looked at me at the end of the [ __ ] run-through or whatever call it whatever he owned me the [ __ ] and he was like and here's your laundry bag and I was like huh and he says well you put your laundry in here and then when you come back tomorrow your laundry will be ready huh dude you're gonna do my laundry yeah awesome the gift [ __ ] [ __ ] does my laundry anyway hey live babies that's what you're getting thank you very much for do it down this out I'm gonna definitely do this again I had fun but check out the rest of the podcast what do you call it tomorrow so I'm going offline here but BAM there did it all right that's what's up yeah so anyway but it's awesome dude they have this [ __ ] it's it's great I loved it I loved being [ __ ] man I like I like working out because it [ __ ] keeps me sane dude here's the thing people didn't really like I I found this out recently people didn't really like lift hardcore wait until like recently like that's a newish thing and those people are finally getting old like Arnold and [ __ ] and like a little bit before Arnold but like remember those [ __ ] fake strong guys that were like in the early 1900s that really they weren't even just strong they just puffed their chests out - no I'm talking about and they were just like you were like if they just slouch they look like a dad but like they would just and they just have like that the [ __ ] barbells with the big ass fears on the side like which is bad cuz it's gonna roll away when you put it down you know anyway I like how [ __ ] Ivan get rid of put in the thing old timey strongman and everything came up that's hilarious but like those guys but like the weight lifters that's like a generally new thing like people weren't lifting weights in the [ __ ] you know anytime anyone talked like this like back then when people like dirty is [ __ ] and like only wore brown and they were like my god like they didn't lift the weights they were just [ __ ] they walked everywhere and that's why they kept trim because they were like I don't horse every now and then but they'd have to do everything themselves you know there was no Wi-Fi so they'd go out and play but but like everyone's getting older and like all that [ __ ] weightlifting like I feel like in a hundred years that's why all this [ __ ] like plyometrics and uh plyometrics that was called Plato metrics that [ __ ] will you stand on the ball and you just try to balance and [ __ ] plyo exercising whatever they call it plyo but like and then and and like HIIT workout or high intensity training hit or hit interval height is he energy I don't know what the [ __ ] it stands for anyway like that stuff seems to be and then people swear on CrossFit but hey CrossFit hey so many injuries so many goddamn injuries hey lift up this [ __ ] keg you know hey what we're doing now is we're doing keg squats huh yeah this keg is filled it's about how much is away we don't even know just [ __ ] lift it lift it and then and then push it above your head and then drop it down real [ __ ] hard and if someone's in the way they'll get killed and by the way we're [ __ ] up your back CrossFit dude how many people have done CrossFit for like four months and they're like okay well yeah my legs all [ __ ] but that's why that [ __ ] like like I feel like Orangetheory or whatever like those are pretty good but like this [ __ ] were they [ __ ] what's up with that big-ass tire that every gym has now especially the CrossFit gym what what [ __ ] work first of all where do you get it you know I feel like those are just made in Sacramento and anytime you need one they truck them out from Sacramento this is the most Sacramento Sacramento we asked [ __ ] is it those big-ass [ __ ] tires that are taller than you what's it for where do you put it on what wheels does it go huh the larger it's for like [ __ ] cranes I guess and you got to jump on it and push it and then flip it over and you only unit by the way you never see a fat guy do that ever it's always the most ripped of [ __ ] flipping a big-ass tire back and forth or literally strongest woman you've ever seen in your life and then she turns around and she says okay tires flipped anyway did you need this on a crane or something let's [ __ ] I'll [ __ ] you though turn around anyone need some wheels that are way too big yeah but I'm now so I'm in that [ __ ] VIP locker room do it and there's no turning back there's no turning back dude I took a shower at the gym the other day I never did that they do you walk in you have your shirt and pants and underwear you walk in you change cuz they have your laundry and then you work out you go back in you shower put on your clothes it came in you leave it's like you're shopping you're not [ __ ] working out you don't leave a sweaty mess you leave nice I want to know two things okay in the world I've thought about this all week two things I want to know if I had a time machine okay to go back in time now realistically I would go back and hang out with Tupac or go back you know go back and with Tupac or go back to the 80s and just sit in the back of the Comedy Store and watch right you know I it's kind of odd when people say [ __ ] like I'd go back and see the dinosaurs like I get that but when people are like but to me I'd want to go back not that far if I had a time machine because I'd want to see how it was just before me or like stuff that affects me like like stand-up or like Tupac is my favorite artist ever so like I'd want to go back and see what he's all about and be during that time even though I was 10 when he was rapping but like and and and 12 and 13 and he died when I was I think 16 but but to go back and to like see him or something like that affects me more than you you know then whatever the [ __ ] going back to meet Napoleon even though I would want to do that - that'd be crazy see I'm sure he wasn't [ __ ] and see how [ __ ] he was you know Napoleon was so [ __ ] you know he was just like I would was he French right so I need to cook at the hello world you know and he was just so [ __ ] and you know you know like when girls when he had sex with girls he was like was that the best one you've ever had and she was like it we we we we I mean that you know and he's so short but he was like best father you're ever here and she's like you we we we and he's like I never know because he's this tall right you know he when he got mad he went like this and and anyway well what oh yeah that's what I would do for real is go back to see Tupac well go back to the part we'll go back into the back of the room and - can I go to the back of the mother comedy store and watch this guy's like Richard Pryor Robin Williams David Letterman [ __ ] Sam Kinison all those [ __ ] right um or even Dave Chappelle coming up you know what I mean like guys like that Chris Rock you know what I mean like anyway George Carlin see those guys but I wanted I would go back I would also see if I got it like a time machine and if I could only use it a few times I'd see if I could talk to the technician and tack on one more go back in time so I could [ __ ] murder the guy right before he coined the term Mickey D's you know whoever [ __ ] thought that was cute whoever whoever thought I don't know if it was somebody that worked for McDonald's or if it was just somebody that started calling it Mickey D's he was like the fun guy in the [ __ ] in the in the class or the [ __ ] camp or like the workplace the shortened version of McDonald's even urban dictionary calls it the shortened version of McDonald's even though you're not saving any syllables I agree dude if you if you have if you have like even urban dictionary [ __ ] hates it like even if you have if you're trying to abbreviate something and it's not abbreviated you're still saying the same amount of syllables huckett gunk turnaround mints idea dude Mickey D's to think that that's cute and to think that that's funny and to think that that's humorous if you were a housewife it had to be a housewife it had to be a woman with kids that was bored out of her [ __ ] mind cuz I mean it was a long time ago it's been Mickey D's ever since I was born I think maybe it was the branding [ __ ] yeah you know Mickey D's is a fun way to say it I'll [ __ ] if you say Mickey D's hey II CUDA you are yar I just imagine take it like do people there's also a [ __ ] on Sunset Boulevard there's McDonald's and then next to it there's a new show coming out called like Mick mafia or something and it's like directly across from McDonald's and every time I Drive by I'm like they put this [ __ ] billboard Mafia right next to McDonald's it's so [ __ ] and you know what that is Mick annoying that's Mick nyan put the Billboard a little bit down further thanks a.m. see also Mick mafia dude hey Cyrus oh hey where was Mick mafia oh really zombie see and the [ __ ] although that guy's a really good actor the lead in that [ __ ] Mick mafia he's [ __ ] really good I love that guy what's his name James Norton yeah he's [ __ ] good he was in I think he was in the fall was he in the fall what was he in no yeah it was a little earlier than that black mirror it wasn't something I saw Doctor Who I don't know anyway yeah dude don't say Mickey D's you don't do that if you see another baby doing that you [ __ ] correct that [ __ ] how about that [ __ ] thing with the Doctor Who guy when they were talking about how they were trying to [ __ ] get him to give up his money did you see that they were trying to so people found out that I think it's the Queen the movie to show the Queen that the the Lee the actress on the Queen got paid less than the guy in the Queen and they were like oh it's not right and it's she's a bigger part she's the lead it's about her it's the Queen but the guy on the Queen is more famous he played doctor who like for [ __ ] a few years or something like that so people are like I mean the left a lot of the [ __ ] or not I mean the left just [ __ ] snowflakes are like oh well that's not fair he should donate his discrepancy of money towards the [ __ ] if he was a good guy he'd donate his money are you [ __ ] kidding me let me tell you something man get your [ __ ] money it's not fair out there get your money dude get your money Mark Wahlberg everyone pressured him dude it was in his deal that way dude it may not be fair but that's not how you correct it is pressuring some guy to [ __ ] push his money into some oh dude and then if he didn't he would have been like people would have thought it was a piece of [ __ ] and not to go see his movies that's wrong dude that's [ __ ] wrong you can't pressure somebody into [ __ ] giving up their money that they've worked oh okay II communist this is what America is based on work the hardest get paid the most now I got a question for you eat communists what's the [ __ ] incentive that's not how you fix it is starting at the top and trying to fix it at the top that is not how you [ __ ] fix anything is going to the top and trying to [ __ ] band-aid it up you gotta [ __ ] start at the bottom dude make more opportunities for the [ __ ] or whatever the [ __ ] I don't know I certainly don't know but I know you don't start at the top and say hey Mark Wahlberg by the way give your money up what you start way before that you start at the bottom people just want to fix it and they want to surface they're like that [ __ ] that couch [ __ ] on the QVC the leather couch where they're like hey you don't have to fix your couch just [ __ ] paint this plaster over it we got it in all colors it's still a [ __ ] rip in it your piece of [ __ ] oh dude I wish it'd happen to me hey Chris D'Elia you got to donate your money I go like this I make a video I look right into the video and I say hey dude guess what I'm doing stacking my chips dude this is my [ __ ] money I worked for give it up for something that you deem giving it up worthy I got a [ __ ] I got something to tell you I got something to [ __ ] tell you instead I got something sincerely to tell you instead I got something [ __ ] way to his sincerely to tell you hmm got something way [ __ ] too serious to tell you okay can't find it so got something sincerely to tell you how about that hey how about how we knit all I did make the right there hey Chris donate your money to a cause we deem or else your careers over I can't hear you all of the windows are up invite helicopter nobody's gonna get mad at that I don't give a [ __ ] it's a comedy podcast anyway dude uh here we go quip that's what's up if you're a person with a mouth which you are unless your counter Eve's in that one scene in the matrix it's likely that you don't brush your teeth for a full two minutes change your brush on time or brush twice a day quip gets that so they've designed the perfect electric toothbrush quip is the new electric toothbrush that packs just the right amount of vibrations into a slimmer design at a fraction of the cost of bulkier traditional electric brushes now were there too many words in that sentence yes but that's the copy most toothbrushes don't get named one of Time Magazine's best inventions of the year but quip did find out yourself why it's a great toothbrush I use it I only use it I bring it on the road and I use it looks like it's designed by Apple is very cool and it's sleek and it's slim and I'm cool and I 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lot of stuff cash up unless you do even more than that though now you can buy and sell Bitcoin instantly get your paycheck deposited right to the app pull money out of the ATM with a free custom cash card use it to spend anywhere you like you're not gonna find a more useful finance app out there sincerely and that's coming from me download the cash app and $5 goes to you and $5 goes to x up Legal Defense Fund the Legal Defense Fund is is a great thing because we here at congratulations believe in the x up cause and even get rid of does and so does one fire download the free cash app for iOS or android now so yeah so that's that's good do you guys see oh so that doesn't the two things I was thinking of all week the Mickey D's thing and then also there here's a fundament the fundamental difference between me and somebody all right if I'm at a restaurant a nice restaurant which I don't go to but man once every few months if that really some restaurants do this thing where they'll be like hi how are you doing can I take your can I take your drink order and you're like I'm not yeah I'll have a you know whatever club soda coca-cola wine beer whatever the [ __ ] and they'll be like okay I'll come right back to take your order and then you come back and I'm like hi would you like to take your order I would like to take your order yeah I get the [ __ ] squash ravioli and the [ __ ] salmon or whatever the [ __ ] and I'm like okay now would you like to order dessert because the desert takes 35 minutes to make and if you want the desert you can order it later but it'll take 35 minutes to make so if you know you want the desert now in order to the desert now this way it'll be ready for you after you my answer is always no because how the [ __ ] do I know if I'm gonna want desert I didn't even eat the meal yet who knows how much I'm gonna eat who knows if I am gonna have a hankering for some sweet [ __ ] if you say yes at that moment me sometimes they're like hi welcome to [ __ ] wherever what do you know if you want dessert yet before we get things started off and you're like huh can you take my drink order they do that the valet you park and they're like hey I think it here's ticket it's gonna be $10 when you come back do you know if you want dessert I tell them inside it takes 35 minutes to make the coin while you're getting ready you putting on your [ __ ] button-down hello hi this is the really nice restaurant you're coming to are you going to want dessert can I figure it out when I get there it's like who the [ __ ] no no no no here's the deal you don't have dessert that takes 35 minutes to make you have dessert that takes ten minutes to make forever no matter what restaurant you're in and and those are the desserts you have this way I can order if I want after I got there me that's a [ __ ] legit rule if you're the kind of person that's like oh yeah you know what that's such a chick thing to do I bet oh it sounds good like you just like the sound of it like chicks love ideas you're not I'm talking about chicks love to say [ __ ] like to their boyfriends where they're like you know what we should fix up an old car and you're like what the [ __ ] are you talking all really let's let me talk let's talk about that tomorrow and they'll be like and then you'll be like hey do you want to fix up that you want to get she look up old cars I don't know you know I was just like I mean yeah we could do it but like but dudu I'm sure they're due to do that [ __ ] to just like yeah I'll get the desert yeah let's order that now and then you eat me [ __ ] stuff it up and then you're like oh I don't know if I want the desert anymore nah nah dude you're there's a fundamental difference between me and you if you order that [ __ ] desert a hundred percent before ordering dessert before yeah you order your meal will you like a [ __ ] the Precog of restaurants what is this Minority Report restaurant edition let me check with the cogs and then there's three ball the white chicks in a [ __ ] of that of disc disgusting placenta fluid and they're just like order it and they're like [ __ ] we got over the desert now it has to be ordered okay order it there that [ __ ] there at tau on unfuckin Cahuenga order it the one in Vegas or the one in Cahuenga in Hollywood through it the what which one cogs ask the cogs he's in Vegas scratch that Vegas order it do the cogs agree yes like come on desert takes you know what have the desert ready how about that don't even make the desert have cookies ice cream and some [ __ ] Manila fingers or whatever the [ __ ] they're called that's it have a brownie and put some raspberry sauce dude a [ __ ] hate when people put raspberry sauce on desserts it [ __ ] it right up congratulations man congratu the [ __ ] lations oh did you put raspberry sauce on my dessert guess what you did you [ __ ] my [ __ ] right up you did you might as well wiped your [ __ ] anus on my brownie dude I we used to be married okay and I was married to I don't know if it's a Mormon thing but I was married to this girl and her family was Mormon and dude her family was the best okay they put [ __ ] raspberry sauce on everything I could imagine dude they put it on salad they'd be like it's a raspberry vinaigrette okay now would you like [ __ ] we made quick croissants these by the way - you said quoi song go to France that's it that's it very simple I'm not mad just go to France do you say croissant congratulations you've got land here keep it did you say quest on look I'm not even mad go to France just go to France no hard feelings take a flight take it take it take the next trip take the next flight to France have as many questions as you want okay but did she they'd be like raspberry everything raspberry no chocolate nothing no [ __ ] apricot [ __ ] no Kiwi nothing dude raspberry sauce the day is long no [ __ ] there'll be raspberry sauce on [ __ ] like turkey and [ __ ] it was weird as [ __ ] they'd have raspberry sauce on like you'd be like go outside here's your [ __ ] jacket make sure to dip it in some raspberry sauce it's cold out there and you didn't even think about it you're just like okay anyway what outside cold the [ __ ] tasting like raspberry oh what's going on well I got raspberry on me they just be sitting there mm-hmm it was weird as [ __ ] dude I don't know if that's a Mormon thing or what it sounds like it would be a Mormon thing though raspberry sauce like that's how they get their kicks you know because they can't drink caffeine they're just like maybe that's how they get you dude try some raspberry sauce would you like would you like some raspberry sauce and you're like I don't know no way it's very good anyway it's here if you'd like we use it for dipping and you're like uh I guess I'll try it man everyone's so nice I mean maybe it's good and you just eat it and become a little blonder every time you eat it and God and he checking them after a few meals you check-in you're like what the [ __ ] and you look you like I'm not going gray and you look closer and you just really look it's blonde and you're like what tough and you go what the and all of a sudden you catch yourself saying what the Frick I mean wait what what the freaking heck is going on and you're like excuse me Melinda come in here do you see this and then she just says oh my and like what you're going blonde and she's like what the Frick and you're like yeah is it what's been different in our lives and she's like I'm I can't they get anything I mean we kind of just how long has it been getting how long you been going gray I don't know four or five weeks a month you know she's like what the only thing that's new in our life is we're friends with the Swensons and as I can't but but what was that have to do with anything can't happen I'm getting grey or anything I'm getting blonde cuz of the Swensons she's like I don't freaking know I don't actually don't flippin know she says you know I don't know and they just like throwing away your from coca-cola for some no reason I don't know what's going on and then all of a sudden you're you're like one day like do you think it's the flipping raspberry sauce and by then it's too late you're a part of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter day Saints hey have more words in your church title by the way Jesus Christ latter-day saints of Church of Jesus Christ ings the pedestrian Church Saint Henry of congratulations latter-day saints Athan what how [ __ ] boring is Church make it more exciting and I know people are gonna say [ __ ] like well you just haven't been to the right Church and to those people I go like this no instead of that you're a boring person it's okay to go to church and it's great and it's but don't tell me it's fun it is boring and that's why it's Church because you're there to worship not celebrate slam John now that is a am i a waiter at Denny's cuz I served you a hot piping plate of Denny's Grand Slam breakfast it's for worship that's why some religions get on their [ __ ] knees and do it because it's supposed to hurt your knees because you worshipping they don't put you in a [ __ ] lazy boy do they that church isn't fun it's not spouse not being sacrilegious it's not suppose flocking it up dude anyway what do you want to do [ __ ] it elders or you want to do [Music] elders or what can we do here let me look at the Instagram see if I got some [ __ ] Instagram [ __ ] and do I have wack Chua Lee you know what I Wow I just remembered what happened was [ __ ] Ben Affleck's back tattoo you saw that dude okay look I actually I like Ben Affleck I think he's in cool movie I [ __ ] I think he's good he's good director i I [ __ ] liked him as Batman I know I think that's the unpopular opinion but I thought he was cool as [ __ ] as Batman he looks the part he's [ __ ] got cool gray hairs that's how I think Bruce Wayne should be I liked him as Batman okay go [ __ ] yourself but like and that back tattoo look who gives a [ __ ] if a back tattoo is what someone else likes you gotta like it fine the funniest [ __ ] though was they were making fun of it and he said no it's just for a movie and then years later they got a picture with him with the tattoo on I don't quite get what is that part on the bottom under the wing that's not attached to the Phoenix also to get yeah what is that this is like a dildo but why is it not connected there's word breaks in it yeah that is weird but it's just odd that he got that tattoo that's so big but maybe he did get it for the movie and then just decided to keep it but the fact that he said it was just and that's that was cool but the fact that it dude I don't understand this dude what's it for somebody to say yo that back tattoo sucks to me I go I go I go in your face I closed the distance and I say bro this back tattoo is the [ __ ] [ __ ] you don't know what you if that it dude guess what I happen to think that back tattoo I happen to think I don't I I think it's ugly okay that's my opinion if if Ben Affleck came out with a video that said hey you know I've been I've been hearing about this [ __ ] about my back tattoo I know a lot of you guys don't like a back tattoo but I just got one thing to say to you guys [Music] and then he takes his shirt off in the vlog turns around and does a [ __ ] and points down to it with two thumbs over his shoulders and then just [ __ ] and there's a little activation with his hips dude and then he looks in the camera it says guess what I have [ __ ] some of your wives probably and then he goes like and then he goes like this and then goes Good Will Hunting and then [ __ ] it's over and then the next time you see him it's wrapped around he got it [ __ ] more it wrapped around his front - no [ __ ] Ben Affleck right then would skyrocket - my favorite actor of all time talent wise that's how hard I would like that not just favorite actor talent wise I'd be like he's the most talented actor over Daniel day-lewis Christian Bale [ __ ] the guy who played them in the movie darkest hour Gary Oldman he's better than all those [ __ ] dude I watched the darkest hour or I tried to hey that's all I'll say about that you figure out if I liked it or not buy this hey hey hey could we put more shades of brown in that movie hey could you put more bulbous noses in that movie Oh could you just Oh a could I make sure could we make sure I can't hear a word coming out of Gary Oldman's mouth I get it good acting and I dude I it was he's good gary oldman is honestly one of the best actors of this generation if you don't think so [ __ ] you straight up but he is not better than Ben Affleck if he gets a [ __ ] wrapped around Phoenix tattoo all over his tummy - there's no way talent-wise Ben Affleck is better that's how it goes um I mean I don't understand why people don't see that's how Trump that's how Trump became president you're damn right I'm gonna do that [ __ ] [ __ ] when it when we said you know what I knew he was gonna be President when he said we're gonna build a wall and you said everyone said no you're not and he said oh yeah as a matter of fact I'm gonna get Mexico to pay for it you know that I was that meme of that [ __ ] of the dudes in the playground that are like oh I was that meme when he said that one and I knew it wasn't gonna happen it doesn't matter it doesn't matter when he did that [ __ ] dude when Trump was like yeah I'm and guess who's gonna pay for it Mexico and then the Mexican president was like no we're not and then and then Trump girls I guess oh that's funny and then he should to get a wall tattoo on his back turned around and [ __ ] put his thumbs up of his shoulders pointing to the wall and [ __ ] wrapped that [ __ ] round his fat ass white tummy [ __ ] yo [ __ ] i'm donald trump head donald trump your orange obviously don't be orange why does anybody ever talk about anything about Donald Trump besides fact that he's [ __ ] orange I know that's a big thing out there we all know but why on earth does anybody ever talk about anything else besides the fact that our president is a new race oh it's cool but you're drawn by Matt Groening you Donald Simpson dude what a how [ __ ] is it to fake tan as a guy as a woman I get it there's a [ __ ] whole industry for looking good with women there is less of an industry for a minute also the guys who do it aren't even in that industry you're trying to be a [ __ ] businessman you don't need to fake tan what the [ __ ] he don't what he don't wrap that tattoo around you if people talk [ __ ] man all right we got an elder dude we got a new elder and he is I really liked this phase all at Faizal FAI s Excel I guess he's extra-large and this is why because he made this there we go this is why he's our elder [Laughter] [Music] [Music] [Applause] I'll tweet the link for the rest of it he [ __ ] that remix is awesome it sounds like he's rapping on that beat I always thought to whenever Tupac came out with like other music after he died and they tried to remix it always sounded like you could tell that's like you don't you can barely tell maybe I'm biased I just said it sounds great the way he [ __ ] did it and I first heard that I was like oh [ __ ] you know he's my favorite and that was [ __ ] awesome to do that to the congratulations beat but I love how Tupac laughs like you [ __ ] pinched your titties you know what I mean ah yeah just move you can't yeah gave you a titty twister anyway phase out we will DM you we will damn you with your with the info so make sure you follow us you probably do but you're you did your pit you pending your certificate cool coolin coolin coolin babies let's take some questions here Luke Edwards at Lukey underscore the underscore Pugh Lukey the poo you know what's coming hey change it um not really gaming the system here but at Chris D'Elia what are your thoughts on you know it turns out you are game in the system because you did it on to today which or wait no oh no this was yesterday even Wow yeah you weren't really gaming the system but it's all good what are your thoughts on people who call themselves a snack yeah well if you call yourself a snack you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] if you call Bay a snack or whatever they would say then that's ok cuz it's like giving them a compliment if you call yourself a snack you deserve to be a snack for lions ok you deserve to be eaten you yeah and it's not cool it's definitely definitely not cool look at the pool it's funny Sophia gee at self Giardini Giardini er do you need Gherardini I don't know what do you think about the British royal family and humps and how so many people are invested in it is it the 1500s no ok who gives a [ __ ] yeah I don't know about that I actually don't know I guess that's a fine question I don't know is that something that is only that should only be in the fifteen hundreds I guess I don't know me I don't know enough about it just to say if it's [ __ ] [ __ ] or not but yeah that's it I don't know you know what you stumped me on Twitter questions I even get rid of sent me a stumper yeah I think we could wrap things up here that was a fun one man and I'm I had a good time and I am so this is gonna come out on Monday so which is today you guys wink-wink even though I did it yesterday I have all my dates coming up if they're not up now they will be up by the end of the day because Monday is the day we were going to we were going to do it but he so one fighter couple on fire is gonna add them I am announcing all of the the second leg and there and there are a lot of cities on this coming up you know Red Bank Red Bank New Jersey Maine there's one in Maine Portland Maine I think Portland Maine and then other places oh oh I got him right here it's right here Eugene Oregon Sacramento California Red Bank New Jersey Wilmington Delaware ready Reading Pennsylvania Tulsa Oklahoma Midwest City Oklahoma Dallas Texas Portland Maine Hampton Beach North New Hampshire North Hampshire Mashantucket Connecticut which is my least favorite place to perform because it's the casino and I [ __ ] hate it Houston Texas Wichita kale what's that would you do that did you do it wrong ko what is it ka one fire dude he's not here and put Wichita cones this [ __ ] [ __ ] off bro this guy [ __ ] isn't ears I effects all in Wichita cones it so we're coming for you Wichita Kansas and then Kansas City Missouri Lincoln Nebraska renown of Reno Nevada and Las Vegas Nevada Las Vegas Nevada that's the second leg leg that's the second leg now everybody [ __ ] relax I'm doing a third leg and that leg is gonna be bonks it's gonna be bonks it's gonna be bonkers I'm gonna do all the East Coast dates the [ __ ] like we'll be in you know New York they'll be they'll be New York to Boston they'll be all the [ __ ] there so and it oh yeah probably add probably added Lana and even Phoenix I think but yet so there's a lot coming out I know Phoenix isn't on the East Coast okay so you need to correct me but Boston in New York and Atlanta Kanye's so that's what's up those are the cities I'm doing on the second leg go get your tickets I think they're available presale and they'll be sold for across the board across the board later on in the week you guys are [ __ ] awesome subscribe to the YouTube channel please we always have a hundred thousand subscribers so see if we can get there download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android and you know what you can do I'm gonna definitely go live on that every now and then for the babies subscribe rate and review the show on the app you got it help me out and do all this [ __ ] it really helps the app it helps the numbers and it helps grow it and that's what we're trying to do because we're trying to get to this [ __ ] log cabin video episodes go up Tuesday's or wend at Wednesday's you watch my specials share up man tell people about everybody tell one person about man on fire that's your [ __ ] homework as babies I'll be on more episodes of the load together coming up for the second season I'm shooting that today and thank you for listening [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Chris D'Elia

Views: 100,911

Rating: 4.8812094 out of 5

Keywords: Congratulations, Chris D'Elia, podcast, comedy, delia, raspberry, mormons, dessert, the good doctor, old school weightlifters, chris, chris delia, chris delia podcast, chris delia congratulations, congratulations chris delia, congratulations podcast, congratulations podcast chris delia, comedian, cuda, congratulations podcast chris, elder, funny, good doctor chris d'elia, chris d'elia good doctor, TV, movers, mcdonalds, micky d's

Id: EY-x5iRHRlw

Length: 62min 47sec (3767 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 27 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/watsonamac]

Did anyone see if Chris posted a link to the Tupac remix? I couldn’t see it on Twitter.