Confidence isn't loud, here's how to find your voice / w Nimi Mehta

all right balances today's guest is someone I'm really excited to have on the show because you know when you just come across those profiles on Instagram and you're just magnetically drawn to someone and I'm talking like from the point of view where I feel like we almost have similar neural Pathways in our brain we think about things in a very similar way so I think this is going to be a very synergistic easy conversation so I'm really excited to have you on today um our guest is the CEO of speaker by nimi meta she's a TV and radio presenter an MC a podcast host a speaker a public speaking Mentor what don't you do it's uh the the beautiful nimi meta on the podcast today welcome to the show thank you so much for having me I'm so excited to be here and to to synergize with you oh I love it no we're going to there's going to be a lot of synergizing I think um one of the first things that I was really interested in was your journey from and I think this is something a lot of people resonate with that feeling of completing your degree so you studied journalism and getting your first job which you have described as being your dream job at the time and just that first year experience and what happened directly after cuz I think that's important context to understand kind of where you've come to now yeah yeah that's a great first question so I mean just to set the scene I guess for for people did journalism at University came straight out at the age of 21 and got the job to be an MTV presenter and that for me just felt so normal at the time when something like that happens to you you think that life is that easy especially at such a young age you know you come out thinking wow it's really going to be doggy dog and then this happens and it was amazing so you just applied and got the job just applied it was like an online competition um you had to submit a video re and so I booked out my local Church's Hall and I grabbed all my family and friends and I said I need you to be extras and we were in the dressing room and I was walking through present pretending it's fashion week and I had like my sister getting her hair done by her friend and you know people throwing clothes around I love the it's still on YouTube to this day just because it's so iconic for me I'm like I really produced directed and presented in that that's amazing and so that is what got me the gig but it was just what followed after you know and and I think that we all have these dreams and these goal posts so to say and I really thought at that age that you have one goal post you get to that goalpost and then it's over life's done life's done like sign seal delivered like it's over um in a really good way that oh I'm it's going to be plain sailing after this obviously it wasn't and um it was it was a real hit to the ego it was a real hit to you know my mindset of like Oh what now you know where do I go now and I just wasn't prepared for what was after and so I think that's when I realized and it really hit me that my dreams are ever evolving and Ever Changing and sometimes when you think something is your dream it's not it's just a stepping stone towards the bigger picture yeah there's always um a bigger piece at play I think we've forgotten one key detail though so you got the job at MTV and then what happened yeah that shattered your ego yeah yeah well I was there for a year and I had a contract for the year and then the contract ended and I was unemployed for a few years after that trying to hustle back in to be a presenter so so they just didn't renew it yeah they didn't renew it the channel that they basically created was something called like District MTV so they were trying a new concept of music and fashion together and it just wasn't picking up so they they ended it all and that was me that was me done well you know what's really interesting what a beautiful lesson to learn at such a young age that your dreams are ever evolving and that goals are not I like talking about it in the frame of goals are not end posts they're are goal posts no what do I I can't remember even how I talk about it now but it's kind of like they're just markers along your journey so you're running a marathon right it's not the Finish Line it's just like oh you've reached this part of the process and the reason I think this is so important to really Embrace is because it helps you enjoy the process which is something I really struggle with that patience peace when not much is happening or things are happening but they're happening in a different way to what you think you actually zoom out and you remember you're just in that middle part of between those checkpoints and when you really zoom out all the way you realize that's actually what life is it's not about you know I had a similar experience where I thought that achieving this goal getting this job or you know reaching this point was going to feel a certain way and yeah okay it felt great but then it was over and it was like okay now what's the next part of life so I think it's good to have had that reframe at such a young age where you're like okay my goals are actually just markers of what's next yeah and and the thing is no one teaches us this you know life does yeah life does and these experien is teach you and obviously we're in a wonderful position now where we can look back and in hindsight be like oh thank God it really taught me a lot for some people I know it can go the other way I just think that you know as we take on these experiences I think we need to know that we are never ever the finished product and I think that's what I was always chasing as a as a young individual who wanted to be a TV presenter I want to be jam Jam or I want to be deina MCO on the TV and that was what I had my eyes set on and I was like they had their own journey I didn't recognize that at the time I thought oh overnight they were successes but I think that it it just built my character a lot more yeah absolutely so you were saying you were unemployed for a few years and then what was the next thing and how did you work out how to get to that place after kind of being a little disappointed in that initial dream yeah I I really believe in the power of proximity so for me even though I was let go at MTV they under this group called Viacom and within Viacom they have like Brands like Nickelodeon and stuff like that and I thought you know what I'm going to try and get a job at any of these companies as long as I'm in the building as long as I'm in the building someone will remember me or I will hear Whispers of like a new job opening up you know and and so I thought as long as I'm there I I'll be their next choice and so I applied for a job at Nickelodeon which was an advert scheduler just sitting day just scheduling adverts it was so monotonous but I just thought I'm there and nothing came of it I would love to sit here and tell you like oh my God yeah and then something happened it didn't but the reason I'm sharing this with you is because I never lost sight I never gave up hope and so then for me it was also the process of elimination I sat with myself and I was like okay you want to become a TV presenter cool what about everything else within the media industry let's learn every single role possible possible let's experience it and then let's actually find out if you do want to be a TV presenter cuz you might get behind the camera and think wow I actually love being a producer or a director okay that now my goals changed to that and you know I tried everything from editorial my local newspaper to Hello magazine to an internship with ITV you know behind one of the biggest breakfast shows in the country I was hustling I was so persistent with every work experience job I mean I got an email and back then you know there was no such thing as uh you know just clicking a button and being connected to someone on LinkedIn or you know following them on Instagram and dming them it was literally showing up at the door so even if you sent an email there was no recognition of it I was showing up the door with physical paper CVS yeah for anyone young listening we really did do that and I would show up doing that and I remember I got one of my internships because a guy who was a producer a local TV show just wasn't responding to me on my emails and I just kept going like I was like once a month I had set like dates on my calendar to keep sending him an email like hey just let you know I'm here and if anything comes up let me know like I wasn't pushy at all but one month came up and he goes you are so persistent like you will not give up but lucky for you something's just come up and this was like 6 to8 months after I'd first connected with him and so my point being that if you set your eyes on something just keep going like the worst that can happen is they say no okay well you can't miss something you never had but if you keep going something might come out of it so it was that it was me trying absolutely everything under the sun until I realized you know what TV presenting is what I want to do and I went into radio then CU there was there was such a lack of opportunity in TV in the UK and so I wanted to expand my skill set went into radio at a local radio station and um did that for like five months I was shocking inly bad it was oh it was hideous Hest I'm going to play you a clip from it but it was just like my voice was different I you could tell I'm like super rushed and super anxious and I didn't really know what I was doing it was going out to like a thousand people in my local town and then 5 months later I moved to Radio 1 abudhabi to host a national breakfast show so that was that was a crazy Journey for me from going from like a thousand people to a whole nation yeah wow and you actually never know like I always say every networking thing you do every job every relationship like I feel like we get so stuck in like oh that was such a waste of time but honestly every little thing has its role and leads you to exactly where you're meant to be right so even if that F Monon radio job was like oh whatever it serve me nothing maybe you wouldn't have gotten attention for the Abu dhab role if you hadn't had that on your resume so you just never know how all these things kind of play together um before I ask you the next question I'll just share one thing that really helped me be continue to be persistent because it's the same thing with you know if you're trying to get certain people on the podcast or you're trying to pit yourself for certain things you're going to get a lot of rejection like don't sit here thinking just because you see XYZ person on the show I don't experience rejection like it happens to everyone and for anyone to get anywhere you have to go through the hurdles of rejection that's life but a really beautiful reframe for me was imagine you knew you had 50 NOS before you got a yes you'd be going as fast as you could to get through and CH through all those and just so you could hurry up and get to the yes so seeing every rejection or setback is just that's one less one before my yes or before my opportunity has been like a really great reframe for me to just keep going right and not take it personally because half the time it's not personal at all all you know what I mean yeah so then you've you've gone into this Abu Dhabi role and now you're kind of in this entrepreneurial freelancing doing a bit of everything so this transition into being I guess career focused to entrepreneurial if I can call it that Focus what have been the biggest things you've learned in that transition yeah wow so I did radio on abudhabi for a year until Channel 4 poached me over to Dubai so then I was at Channel 4 hosting the breakfast show for 5 years and that was a grind that was like 4 a.m wakeups that was it was a lifestyle Choice it really was um doing a show from 6: to 10 I did that solidly for 5 years we we were named the number one show in the country you know and I absolutely loved it and adored it and you know years I was unemployed that I was telling you back in the UK um the power of visualization and manifestation is real like I know we we hear it and we see it and we consume so much stuff that just sounds so fuzzy that's like yeah visualization manifestation I cannot stress it enough it is one of the key things that got me to where I am today I agree so I remember sitting there in my bed whilst I was crying cuz I was unemployed and miserable tissues in toe yeah exactly and I and I came to Dubai on and off growing up anyway and I was like you know what let's just see what's out there and I was on channel 4 dubai.com and I saw like the presenter lineup and all these faces and I remember like I kid you not Erica I was sitting there for like an hour just staring at that lineup staring and just visualizing myself in that lineup and I kept saying you're going to be there you're going to be there you're going to be there and I mean it didn't happen overnight I would love to say that but it happened literally a few years later where I was then hosting the breakfast show of that lineup and so this kind of power of believing really changed the game for me but that was a solid job that was my dream job that I've been working all these years to be you know at the top of the game the you know for me as well a female in radio females were generally considered kind of like giggle girls in radio the guy was the main guy and the girl would just kind of laugh at whatever the guy says that is just a classic Radio set up I was really lucky cuz my co-host and me had a 50/50 share you know we were very much like equal voices but I love the show and um it just got to a point where I was like it is time for a change and you feel it you feel it in your bones like you know it and so I know and I and from my community I have a lot of people who talk to me about how did you take the leap like how did you make that change how did you believe in yourself and it came down to one thing and that was which fear do I choose so there were two fears the first was oh my gosh but if I leave I have a solid salary here so financially I was covered it was my comfort zone I knew it day in day out I had a routine with it the third was you know this was your dream are you going to let go of your dream I was holding on to that fear of but the unknown what's going to happen next and then that was one side of the fear the second side of the fear was okay but are you still going to be here in five years time are you still going to feel undervalued in five years time are you still going to be saying to yourself oh nimi why are you here are you still going to be getting out of bed every morning feeling like it's more of a chore than a spring in your step and that fear outweighed the fear before I was so scared of staying stagnant that any fear I felt about leaving and taking the leap was just irrelevant to me cuz I was like I would rather look back and say I'm so proud you tried than oh I'm so proud you stayed and stayed in your little Comfort box and you know shied away from your potential so if anyone is feeling like they're in that kind of period and and scared to kind of take the next step I would say weigh out your fear which one scares you more because for me it was definitely the latter that is such a powerful question and in a very similar vein a question you could also ask is um which discomfort do you want to choose it's it's very similar question because the reality is it's uncomfortable not pursuing things that you dream about or things that you wish you wanted to do and it's also uncomfortable pursuing them because you're you know dealing with potentially not feeling like you're worthy to do it and self-doubt and the uncertainty and all of that but then the flip of that is actually just not doing it at all never trying never knowing and being stuck in something that maybe is not setting your heart on fire so yeah I think just being really honest with yourself like it's I feel like this is one of those things where if you get that feeling like you described it in your bones I know that feeling it's happened you know iconic moments in my life where in that moment you have the I think it's like twofold you have that feeling and you acknowledge what's going on and then it's the action piece and that's obviously the hardest part but but getting raw with yourself I think is the most actionable thing you can do because it helps you what you're like at a fork in a road and it's like okay which one which one do I want to go for so I think that's really good advice for anybody listening um and really you can apply that to any juncture or Crossroad in your life with anything relationships decisions with your health like you know what I mean like pick your fear or pick your discomfort 100% And I would say that your body tells you exactly what you want and this is something that I've kind of learned to listen to We we talk about listening to our mind and our heart all the time but our body is so aligned with us in the sense that if I feel something in my bones that term exists for a reason right because you feel it in your core in your gut I I have a 5-sec rule where I'm like okay as soon as I feel something I hold on to that because in 5 seconds my mind's going to start convincing me of otherwise my mind's going to start convincing me no no no don't leave don't leave because what about money what about this what about stability what about you know but you want to be able to afford you know a house next year how are you going to be able to do that you know all these little Elements of Life that come through the extras that really don't contribute to your core your mind convinces you otherwise of what your body tells you so I set a 5-second rule as soon as I have thought and felt something I instantly am aware that my mind's going to kick in any second and I need to like hold that piece I need to hold that core gut gut feeling I'm getting I need to hold on to that and I would say that a lot of us avoid it a lot a lot of us ignore it because it's probably the easiest thing to do and so that kind of discipline has really changed the game for me in decision making and taking these kind of leaps yeah that's amazing and um often I think the reason I mean the brain is the rational part of the body we we owe a lot to it for keeping us alive but it does try and give meaning to everything when sometimes it stands on its own enough as it is and I think the reason that that is so good like I love that just sitting with the thought for five seconds and just noticing what that kneejerk reaction is yeah because that often is a little bit uncomfortable because it's prompting change right but if you actually just that's a really good actionable thing people can take and and maybe practice that's a good way to start listening to that inner voice that you know when we talk about following your Intuition or being more intuitive I think it comes down to small things like this my um fiance he used to be a chiropractor and um I mean he's had a career shift which is totally random but in his times being a chiropractor we used to talk about how the body's language was pain and I find this really interesting just in kind of like a tangent of what we're talking about is it will also send you signals when things are not right as equally as when you want need to make change or or do something different and so what I find really interesting I don't know if anyone or yourself can resonate with this but if I'm really stressed or I'm really out of alignment I will always get the same pain and it's in my neck it's always just neck pain and I always used to think oh I'm on the computer too much but I remember it happening one time when I was on holidays I got um you know something happened and I I got a bit stressful and I was like well I haven't been on my computer so I now noticed that as like my body's language but I think just tuning into little things whether it is in moments of stress in moments of change um whether it's a kneejerk reaction before your mind kicks in like just getting familiar with how you respond to things and what that looks like in your body is so powerful to take control of your own life so yeah and that also applies you know I've like deeply studied this even when it comes to like communication but that also applies to like when you meet people I don't know about you I don't know if you've ever met like in a social situation you bumped into new people you've met them my body instantly tells me if I am the vibe yeah you can feel the energy am I for that person or am I not and usually I when I even when my body tells me not they're not my vibe I still then convince myself no know it's okay like oh I'm I start doubting myself rather than doubting the other person and we need to trust ourselves more that's what it comes down to and I think that this is when we start to get into you know bad friendships or bad relationships because we are not following our gut and that that we need to be able to pick up these signs and that level of self-awareness is really key I think yeah and I think um one thing that helped me get comfortable with that cuz I was a bit like oh but they're not a bad person I was over over complicating it I was like it's not even about good or bad or that they've done something wrong it's just alignment like at the end of the day like our energies are just not aligned and that doesn't mean I need to not like you or doesn't mean you have to have done something wrong to me we're just not aligned and I just don't need to give you more than what I have to totally and fine so fine I'd love to ask you a bit about finding your voice like obviously through speaker and and different things that you're doing now that's something you're helping other people achieve and I think it's such a powerful thing I mean as a podcast host I know the power of my voice in learning in communicating in understanding different things and and I think connecting is another big one too so when it comes to finding your voice what does that actually mean because I think there may be a lot of people listening have not even considered what is my what is my voice like what does even now that I'm thinking about it like okay it's the physical thing like it's my voice but what does that mean in terms of how I portray myself to the world and how how do people go about locating what that even is for them yeah great question I think for me the reason that all kind of started was when I was shifting from my main job which was being on the radio to then what next and I had a like kind of mind shift of perspective so I went from the day to day okay this is taking over month to month this is taking over to then legacy mode I went to mode of what am I leaving behind what am I sharing with people around me that I have learned from my journey that they can you know that can help them along theirs and that's when I started to think about how I used to be an absolute mute as a child and now I'm hosting some of the biggest events and TV shows in country I wouldn't believe that for a second right and and my Mom and Grandma still to this day are like are you the same person like they just cannot it doesn't click for them but that really resonated with me and so what I did was I sat down and I was like okay so how did you get from A to Z how did you do it and I realized what I have taught myself I could framework and I could help people to actually learn that framework and do it in less time than I can so it was that shift of to to legacy mode of what do I actually want to leave behind and that kind of like zooming out and bigger picture of that this is so much bigger than you what's your purpose like what's your impact 100% And so then you know I looked at okay I found my voice I found my voice and I kept asking myself the question what does that mean though me what does that mean and so it was identifying what was truly me and I created something called The Voice layer Theory after doing all of my kind of like looking back and you know H how can I build this and how can I teach this to other people and the easiest way to describe it is that when you're when you're born uh in your most you know developing early years the biggest influence on your voice from the get-go your parents right your mom dad or your Guardians whoever is is Raising you and on top of that then say you've got your voice here you've got the parents on top then on top of that we go to school we've got teachers we've got other students on top of that we're consuming media TV radio on top of that now in a world of social media where millions of voices are influencing us telling us what we should feel what we should think what our opinions should be on certain things and what I realized is we're there at the bottom we're the foundation but the all these are building up on top of us and what's happening is our own voice is getting diluted so I don't know about you but like in any situation even with my partner I say something and I'm like that wasn't me that was my mom yeah oh yeah that's a big one he's actually been good calling me out being like yeah that was your mom yeah and I'm so glad he does because we sometimes we do need that you know when I'm when I'm with a friend and she's like what do you want to have for dinner and I'm like Oh sushi and she's like oh yes let's go for sushi and I'm like lii did you want sushi or did you just know that she loves sushi so you're going for sushi you're like damn should have picked the ramen right obsessed with Ramen by the way obsessed um so it was all of these things of we got so many people influencing our voice and what we don't do and what we've never been taught from a young age is that our voice is its own nucleus we kind of just think it's a default and a given but your voice is your greatest asset it is one of the core things that help you you to communicate who you are to the world how come we haven't done the groundwork in identifying what that voice is so there's a way to kind of identify that and break all those layers down and it takes a lot of time i' would love to sit here and say okay okay I can you can do it yeah yeah but it took me a lot of time and what I did was first was isolate my voice so that was taking myself away for like a week or so when I say taking myself away I wish I was going to like some Private Island no it was just not cons consuming social media detox it was exactly that detox and then also just not talking to a lot of people for a week which is Amazing by the way and we all need to do it we need to just sit with ourselves for a while and I started questioning everything question everything if I if you walk away with anything if you're listening right now and you walk away with anything today is just question every decision you make every thought you have every opinion and feeling you have why do I feel that way how come how come that's what you chose I started even questioning like the tiniest things from what what do I want to have for dinner okay why are you choosing that why n me and it's really can get really tedious but the point is that that's the only way to break through because then you start realizing why you start making these choices is it you or is it someone else highly influencing it what's the source what's the source and I got to the point where I was like journalism I started questioning my whole career my purpose and I was like did I do it cuz my mom wanted me to do it or did I want to do it and you have a bit of an identity crisis through it all but that just means it's working yeah it's really working so I isolated my voice completely and then what I started doing was evaluating the voices around me so the five closest people to me you know they say the you are the average of the five closest people to you okay who who are they then let's actually identify them and let's actually recognize if there a positive influence on my voice if they are guiding my voice enhancing my voice are they helping it in any way or are they dimming my voice and so that's what made me really identify the people and then for me it was just elimination you know and and I had to be pretty Cutthroat because I'm like this is this is me this is my nucleus I have to protect my voice at all costs and I don't think we think of it that way no and when I when I interviewed Gary Vee I asked him about that and I said so how did you find your voice and you know how how would you share with other people that they can find their voice and he said you know I found my voice in the trenches of other voices and he said that my mom was such a positive influence on my voice and I just realized that other people's voices don't matter so much to me you know and he completely isolated his voice away from everyone else to identify what it is and and that to me was just like okay this guy knows what he's doing you know they say never take advice from people who haven't already done it he's done it right and so that those two things for me was isolating my voice and then evaluating all the voices around me and then rebuilding rebuilding the voices around you okay so who does make you feel good who does enhance your voice and then that started to beef out the skeleton a bit of of what it is that's truly me and I think that that's what finding your voice is and by the way it's an Ever evolving Journey it is I can't sit here and say to you yep I found it I've mastered it 100% % no no no it changes every single day and sometimes other voices outgrow you too you know we talk about friends outgrowing and like you just meet each other at a certain path and and then you kind of Amic amicably go your different ways but that's how I feel about certain voices as well and I and I just wish people saw our voices as external beings and not just a default within us I think this is so so powerful and a really interesting thing for people to do and when you were kind of talking about the isolation pce I was thinking in my head this is going to be quite difficult because you're in in the world we live in like no one lives in their own lane without any external stimulation so I love that there's that second piece of actually critically analyzing like who are those five people you could even take it a step further and be like what content am I consuming who am I following online because I feel like even though even even if you are not with somebody all the time if that is someone you're listening to constantly like what other the things they're saying are they aligned for you and this just to me is like screaming like it's like ultimate alignment because when you can work out this is like such an amazing blueprint for anything in life like to really like get down to why you have certain beliefs about yourself why you make certain decisions why you you know for people who struggle to set boundaries who feel guilty for doing things or not doing things who doubt their own potential like these are all things I've struggled with and I can just see the value in when you peel that away and you're like what is the source where is the truth in my voice and this and where have I lay it on top of what other people think yeah it's such a powerful way to work out what's going on I just want to share one experience I had last year that's actually really resonating with what you just shared and I went to um Greece for my sister's wedding last year in August and I don't really drink that much alcohol but in the last few years since moving here particularly it's been less and less and less I mean it's a big part of the culture in Australia it's not something I do he I enjoy a drink when I'm out but again not something do regularly and when I went to Greece last year uh just before that i' been doing a lot of work on myself spending a lot more time by myself I I call myself a retired extrovert I was that person that I used to hate being in my own company I'd always be like I'd have like a 100 coffee acquaintances like I was that person yeah and since moving here I've really embraced the value of being alone hearing myself creating that space so anyway went to Grace for my sister's wedding and it was a very social beautiful fun time catching up with family obviously none live here so it was a really nice time and you know you're in Greece it's summer you're having spritzes every day that kind of experience when I got back I had a rude shock because I realized how detached I was from myself it was like I couldn't not this dramatic but like take it metaphorically like I couldn't feel my body cues I like my intuition was nowhere to be found and ever since that experience every time I have had alcohol I feel like I'm very hyper aware as to the thoughts I have when I start to feel a bit tipsy how that changes how that voice changes um so you know I just wanted to bring it up because I feel like even things you do or places that you immerse yourself in can impact that voice if it's not as direct as like somebody else's voice and alcohol for me has been something I'm now like super attuned to as something that disconnects me from my own voice um so that was just a really weird experience I had I don't know if you I don't know if you drink at all or if you've had a experience I know when you were speaking about that it what made me kind of resonate with that is every time I go home and I'm surrounded by people that make me disconnect with myself because you know living away from home for so long when you go back to the place that you grew up a lot of you know a lot of people here in the UA could probably resonate is that then you surround yourself with the people who know the old you yeah and so you regress almost you you literally go back to that little girl and I feel like every single time I go home I go back to that little girl and I'm again that insecure timid mute and then I come back to Dubai and I have to almost relearn myself yeah it's crazy it's such a we introdu myself and so that goes for drinking that goes for people and that just tells you the people the things that you should not be consuming that's across the board and so I think that those that again that level of awareness for you to come home and like recognize that is huge yeah I had a guest on once and she was talking about how when you go and visit family and you've been away for so long and you've created your own life you there's this like anxiety or fear or actual reality of regressing back into she was talking about in the context of a family Dynamic but you have a role to play in your family and that was growing up right you might have been the person that lashed out you might have been the person that copped all the comments from someone you might have been the adjudicator like everyone has a role in a family and when you're in that Dynamic you almost regress back into that role even if you've done a lot of work to kind of Evol and grow out of it so it's just really interesting I think like some of these things you you know I'm always going to go home and visit my family I I'm not at the stage where I've like cut out alcohol for life but it's just having this awareness so now when I am doing these things I'm a lot more intentional because I know the impact it has on my voice and my con my you know my intuition my connection with self so yeah I just wanted to bring that up cuz it really like reminded me of what you were just sharing and I think the framework you've shared is really really valuable just like to anything yeah absolutely I um I asked you the other day before you came on the podcast today I asked you if there was anything you'd been ruminating on thinking about because I'm the kind of person where you might hear me talking about a lot of things on the show people will hear like similar themes coming up but I'm always I'm the kind of person that like Ponders on a lot of things like 24/7 I'm like a ruminator so I asked you if there was anything you'd been thinking about or like just talking about generally and there were a few things that really stood out to me from what you shared the first one is this difference between being nice and being assertive mhm and this is something I've struggled with as someone who I think grew up as a people pleaser trying not to ruffle any feathers mhm trying not to come across as rude right always be the nice person always be the bigger person but that's meant I haven't been assertive in moments where I should have probably stood up for myself so how have you been think about this junk show with being nice and being assertive and is there like a happy medium yeah yeah I think you know I had to completely dissolve the idea that I had that it's either being nice or being mean and I thought those are my only two options and especially as a woman I feel that for us we do have different approaches especially now as an entrepreneur I'm speaking purely as an entrepreneur that being in in a in the room and you know having conversations that you know are up to the progress of your company and you know you're talking about bigger things that are bigger than you that I feel I felt just really uncomfortable with with that I'm kind of like you I was like a people pleaser I was just you know I just want to be nice that's the only way I know how to operate is to just be kind uh my dad you know when we were growing up my mom and dad always just said like I don't even care what religion you are just be a good person just be a good person and that has how that just how me and my sister have been raised so then specifically in the media industry I really struggled with it really struggled with it because you know I um I actually I'll share a story with you I had a uh hairdresser um at the TV studio and he's left now and on his last day he took me to the side and he was like you know I absolutely love you but I have to share something with you I have to tell you something if there's one thing that that I leave with you this is it I was like yeah sure'll go for it and goes you need to stop being so nice you just need to stop and I was like why do I what I thought he was joking and he said yeah you need to be a bit of a around here to be respected and I just sat with that for a while cuz I was like well hang on a second that's not the way I operate it would be really alien for me to try to be that to be respected because you know there are there are people in the world in the industry who do navigate themselves in that way and I sat with myself and I was like yes 100% they probably get their stuff done for them in a better manner in a quicker more efficient manner because the people that are doing it for them operate from fear not from love for them it's from absolute fear yeah that's not respect at the end of day it's not respect and that's not what I want whatsoever and I um I went to a friend of mine who's in the industry in the US and I was like they' he's told me this what do you think because at the same time I was experiencing a lot of disrespect a lot of undervaluing and I thought in that moment I was like yeah you know what I'm going to be this I'm going to be like that hard nut obviously it was just like in the spur of the moment and I the adrenaline rushing it just wasn't true to me but I think that what I have figured out and what I'm still learning to this day is the difference between being kind in a certain I think that you can still be kind with it but still be very clear and concise about what it is that you want and I think that I got muddled with that I thought you know as the talent that you know oh I don't want anyone to think I'm difficult I don't want anyone to think I'm a Diva as women we get labeled so easily Diva difficult is what we get if a man does it it's wow like he's got something about him he's powerful he's strong whereas we get labeled completely something different and so that kind of balance I've literally been trying to just weave into to my everyday interactions and that has been stopping myself I've literally been stopping myself from just being the yes person and stripping it back and that's a that's a you know a quality of a highly confident person is the ability to respond and not react so responding means taking your time it means not waffling it means understanding and treating your words like gold that you don't need to say a lot you just need to keep it concise keep it tight and get your message across in the in the right way and as a woman I just feel like I have been learning to and I've been burnt along the way I mean I'm sure you can share some stories but I have really leared the hard way of being too nice cuz people also walk all over you yeah they take advantage they treat you terribly cuz they're like oh she'll be fine oh n won't mind she'll say yes yeah yeah she never Minds that happens all the time and so I'm just learning now that you know what Nim there's a way to be kind and super nice with it and respectful but you just need to be very clear about what you want and then you'll get the outcome you want as well yeah I think it comes down to me what you said at the very beginning which is being uh assertive or sorry what did you say you said being kind and being mean aren't the aren't the two options right and being assertive doesn't mean you're being mean it actually for me it comes down as well to like communicating your boundaries right and I think if we even go back to what we were talking about before if you strip down and come to Source it's like well why do I feel the need to put this person's Comfort or desires above my own because that's what people pleasing is it's saying yes to someone else and saying no to yourself and when I had that realization I was like this is ridiculous I would never expect somebody else to say no to themselves and yes to me just to make me feel better like it's their life like if they said no to me it actually doesn't really change that much about my life think wej up this story so many times of like how much impct we're having on other people when we say no but it's like honey you're the character of your own story only like everyone else is just going to get on with their lives like you don't have they don't care about you as much as what you think they do which is the harsh truth like something I had to realize as well but yeah it's uh I've had a lot of scenarios where in the last few years the more aligned I'm feeling I'm able to not defend myself but I think be assertive in what I want and what I will not tolerate I think I've had more experiences in that realm where if I had responded in the moment if I had not taken my time it could have been emotional react like you know reactive and but taking your time and just responding in a way that feels aligned for you I I have a specific scenario in mind which I won't go in detail about but it was a bit of like an explosive interaction with somebody via text and you know people are saying reply like this and say these angry things and use like you know swearing and emotion and that's just not me I my tolerance for anger like I just it's not an emotion I really Express like I've got an Italian family which may be very surprising that I don't carry that trait but my sisters you know they're very loud and they like yelling and that's just how they express themselves but that is not true to me and so when I've been in those moments where I've had all the emotions sitting behind it but I don't outwardly respond that way and it's almost like expected I just take my time with it that feels more aligned for me but in the same vein sometimes that means I just don't say anything at all and that's me being too nice because I don't want to you know Kick the Can further down the road or continue the explosive kind of interaction so I think it's an interesting one to think about like at what point do you assert yourself in a way that's aligned for you and I think it just comes down to delivery yeah right because yeah absolutely and I think that it goes back to our previous point when we talk about finding your voice it's that am I reacting or responding it's like having that check-in with yourself you know and questioning yourself was that a reaction or was that an actual response and you know even in professional settings sometimes even in Social settings we feel so pressured to like give an answer or respond straight away and just take a Beat Just take a beat take a breath and then you know what even if you don't know the answer you know what I'm not quite clear on that let me get back to you yeah because your words have value so don't just give them away willy-nilly you know think about it because you'll walk away and thinking why on Earth did I say that that's not even what I was thinking or feeling so give yourself that Grace to be able to just like take a moment and move with it and then just like the last thing I would say on that is just that it goes back to one of our previous points which is like relationships is everything and so I never I never want someone to walk away from a human to Human Experience and interaction with me and feel horrible it is something I am so so conscious of in every single thing I do whether that is walking onto the set and talking to the crew and saying hello to them and thanking them for their time and energy all the way through to the director you know it doesn't matter who it is I'm treating you exactly the same and I think that we lose sight of that sometimes in this like doggy dog world and you know oh we need to get on top of each other we need to be each other comparisons and stuff I'm like when it comes down to it when I'm 90 years old what am I going to remember I'm going to remember the beautiful people and the Beautiful experiences that I had with people the memories the good times and that's what I want to leave with people I never want someone to walk away from me thinking oh God she's a bit you know and I think that that with that being said you want to leave a good impression and a good feeling with them but in protecting yourself at the same time yeah I think that can be challenging when you come across personalities or people that do have that doggy dog world attitude and they're like coming at you right and it again like there's this thing called projection which means it may not even have anything to do with you you might just be in the firing line that day but I think this is when the power of finding your own voice is so important because you will come across different kinds of tornadoes I call them in life and and really at the end of the day like you don't need to match their energy because if you're aligned and like centered in your own voice in your own energy you just respond from a way that's authentic to you but that again takes time and your voice is an evolving thing uh people's voices around you are evolving thing and you grow and change so just like constantly doing that and some of the beautiful tips you've shared so far I think are really useful for people to just check in with themselves it's all about that regular check-in creating space for that regularly like I do that through spending time on my own which is something I've learned over the last few years or meditation or you know I I I live in my head a lot I like to journal like kind of notes on my phone people have different Outlets you do you kind of have something that yeah I um I live in my notes app and a lot of photo albums so you know even when I'm feeling kind of like low in self-confidence or I'm kind of having my my doubts of who I am why am I here what am I doing you know we all have those 100% And it happens regularly um I have a photo album called my wins and I take photos from tiny little things to oh I actually made dinner this week all the way through to hosting one of the biggest events of the year it ranges but what I like to do is that is my reminder album I I just skim through those photos and I'm like you did that you did that no one else did it you did it and it's just a tiny little reminder to me that hang on a second yes you're thinking way in the future of like I'm not where I want to be it's 2024 I should have X amount I should be doing this I should be hosting this many things no let's look back and see how far you've come and these kind of little just this one technique I share with my community is creating a my wins album and that's all it takes if you're not a v I'm very much a visual person so looking back at the photos and videos totally shift my perspective sometimes it's just on your notes sometimes it's just listing out my January wins and then saying this is what I did this month and I'm really bloody proud of myself for that so recognizing that and and and what we were talking about earlier was kind of like loud confidence versus soft confidence you know you're speaking about your sisters and how they're quite fiery that's loud confidence but then there's others of us that would consider ourselves introverts that have that soft confidence we don't come across the loudest in the room you know we're not the most attention-seeking individuals but in my opinion I am the most confidence when I'm in my introvert mode like I call myself a bit of an extrovert introvert because I am both and I and different scenarios and situations bring different versions of me out but I think what is a misconception is the loudest person in the room is the most confident oh yeah right absolutely not if anything when now when I'm in a social setting and someone is super loud I have so much compassion for them CU I'm like there is some there is something a lot deeper there um that you think looks like oh my god wow I want to beat them no there's always something there you know I I kind of like feel feel a bit for them cuz I'm like there's a reason they're seeking the validation the attention and I think that we need to recognize that as individuals we don't have to be the loudest in the room to be the most confident at all yeah absolutely and just to kind of circle back to your uh album of wins I'm glad you brought up for the less visual people cuz I I think I'm more like written word style I have an Excel sheet which is very corporate of me but it's just because it's kind of tied in with a couple other things I'm tracking so to speak but I have like a wins list and so whenever something happens big or small doesn't matter I'll put it on the list and again it's something I can go back and reflect on and the best part about doing this whether you pick a photo album whether it's in your notes whether it's on an Excel sheet is once you know you are filling something out you have something to add to you start looking for those things not like oh it's the end of January what did I achieve I need to write something out if you know that's coming up it helps you it kind of like activates something and you start looking for things to be grateful for or proud of yourself for because you've put it on your radar and then it becomes the you know it doesn't matter how big something small is you're like oh this can go on my list or this can go in my album and that's a really beautiful practice to have and all that does is just build your confidence it builds your you know just self assurance that hang on I I I did all this I can move forward and just sit if you are feeling low and self-confidence sit with it as well I never tried to push myself through it you know if I'm feeling rubbish which I was this week a lot um I was just kind of like oh you're this you're that you know like really talking myself down and then only when I sat with that I gave myself myself 24 hours I was like sit with it feel it all because then you're going to be feel great tomorrow and you'll feel grateful for the rise up and you know I wouldn't say push yourself through it I would just say move with it move with all the emotions and then the next say just get back on it absolutely if I ever have a day you know it's generally once a month I have a big crying day yeah I always feel so good the next day it's like you just let something go but just like emotions are all um they're all temporary you know nothing lasts forever just feel it let it do its thing and I think the more Roar you can get with yourself the the bigger the bounce back almost and it's just that's the es and flows like even when I talk about life balance it's never trying to achieve this you know holistic middle level state where you're never dealing with things you need the lows because it's a point of reference for the high moments and sometimes low moments are points of change or points of reflection and everything serves its purpose there's a beautiful Harmony between these binary moments in life and you know having um I worked with a therapist for a few years she was a high performance coach but we did a lot of like psychology and she was amazing one of the things she taught me was having a cookie jar which is effectively your photo album of winds or a guest a few weeks ago called it a book of winds so have those things where you track and you look and you have that activation to be like what am I going to be proud of myself for today this week this month yeah but I think this is a beautiful place to leave our conversation I've really really enjoyed our chat we could go on for hours honestly this will not be the last podcast so thank you so much for your time and I'm so looking forward to seeing what then this year and Beyond brings for you thank you so much for having me and I've absolutely loved this conversation thank you for your time my pleasure thank you

Channel: The Balance Theory Podcast

Views: 805,885

Keywords: confidence, how to be more confident, how to find confidence, self confidence, how to have more confidence, how to find my voice, nimi mehta, finding confidence, confidence tips

Id: rKpltaOMFdc

Length: 50min 53sec (3053 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 14 2024