Welcome everybody! It's my pleasure to be here with you today
with this talented group. We're very excited
to be as together again as possible in support of charity for a table read
of season's 5 "Cooperative Polygraphy". Now, without further ado,
I'd like to introduce you to... -DAN: Joel McHale.
-Hi. -DAN: Gillian Jacobs.
-Hello. -DAN: Danny Pudi.
-Hi! -DAN: Yvette Nicole Brown.
-Hey everybody. -DAN: Alison Brie.
-Hi! -DAN: Donald Glover.
-Thumbs up, seven up. -DAN: Jim Rash.
-(in a high-pitched voice): Hi! Let me do that again. [cast laughs] Let me do that again. Hold on. Hi. (laughs) -DAN: Ken Jeong.
-(laughing) Hi! Boo. [Ken laughs] And because Walton Goggins
regrettably could not be here, we have at least one of the Mandalorians
here himself... Mr. Pedro Pascal.
Thank you for filling in. -[cast claps and screams]
-DANNY: Yeah! I haven't seen the show,
I don't know if you're the actual Mandalorian. [Ken laughs] YVETTE: Oh... Dan. -Are you a baby Yoda? [Ken laughs]
-YVETTE: Dan. Well, it's an honor to have you here,
we know that from... just fiscally. Okay. [cast laughs] And as if that couldn't get
any more bonus-y, doing the actual theme
is the actual theme song writer and performer from The 88,
Keith Slettedahl. Hey, Keith. -Hey.
-DAN: Thank you so much. I love that song so much, man,
and I'm really grateful you did it. -Oh, thank you so much.
-The 88 was one of my favorite bands. There's one more note I have to tell you
because it might be kind of jarring, just 'cos his voice is a little weird, -but Jim Rash will not only be playing "Dean Pelton",
-Thank you. he will also be playing
the role of "Lie detector lady". -I don't know the character's name...
-ALISON: Her name is Mara. [Ken laughs] What I'm about to do
is show the range I have. Abed,
you were by the coffin for a long time. -Are you okay?
-I'm okay, although... (singing in unison)
♪ Troy and Abed are in mourning ♪ Seriously. Will you guys stop?
Please stop doing that. I couldn't believe you said it in your eulogy.
So uncomfortable. Yeah. I don't think the audience got
that we were singing "mourning" with a "u". Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't... -You were singing it with a "u"?
-Yeah. Oh, god. We're losing Pierce.
Quick! [Donald inhales] Troy starts intentionally inhaling vapor. (holding his breath) Someone get a ballon. ♪ Give me some rope tie me to dream ♪ ♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪ ♪ We could be roped up, tied up,
dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can’t count
the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪ [cast claps and cheers] Now the special anti-Covid, uh... lyrics for the second verse. (singing) Washing those hands,
keeping apart. Wearing our masks, don't inhale farts. Don't touch objects that have been touched by any non-essential personnel in 14 days. -DAN: Okay.
-So not inhaling farts, that's something? That's the only way you can get it.
You can quote me on that. JIM: Okay. I have t-... If you inhale farts within 24 hours,
you can counter the symptoms, by injecting sunlight
with just a skosh of disinfectant. I mean, my days are spent smelling farts,
so this is a real setback for me. [cast laughs]
Alright guys, I gotta go. -JOEL: What?
-YVETTE: No, Donald, no! KEN: Have a great weekend, man.
Have a great weekend. DONALD: I'm sorry guys!
[indistinct talking from the cast] DAN: Guys, I begged Donald
and he could only commit to five pages. [cast laughs] -Barnes.
-Okay, I did it! I killed Pierce! -Lie.
-Okay, good, I was just making sure. Mr. Barnes. You and Abed Nadir
have a specialized exclusive handshake that you refuse to do
with your other friends? Uh... absolutely. Troy and Abed
do the Troy-Abed double five. Mr. Barnes,
did you invent that handshake? -Yes?
-Lie. Abed looks at Troy,
Troy looks at Abed terrified. Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber
to the video blog "Fun For Friends"? -[sigh] N-no...
-Lie. Shut your mouth, wench! [cast laughs] DAN: Abed is already on his phone,
thumbing something in. -Can't look at you right now.
-(sobbing)Then you should know I'm crying. You made a profile for a fake dude
and lured her into an online relationship. He's catfishing you. (shocked) You're "Olympic Pole Vaulting
Hopeful Brent Underjaw"?! Everyone looks at Abed.
He makes a decision. Jeff made me apply for a handicapped parking spot
so he can get a better spot. B-Britta is the one who invited Garrett
to Annie's birthday party! Troy won't sit on a toilet seat
after Jeff! When we're alone,
Shirley refers to you guys as "those people"! Annie has a secret copy
of Jeff's apartment key! Shirley thinks we're all going to hell! You are all going to hell
and it's God who thinks it! Chang storms in. I didn't just masturbate
in the study room, I masturbated everywhere. (screaming) EVERYWHERE! [cast laughs] Huh... Confession is good for the soul. -You guys should try it sometime.
-He exits again. Fade out. End of Act 2. Kind of a double beat in there too,
but we're probably behind schedule. [cast laughs] They sort of figure out twice that Pierce is trying to get them
to turn against each other. [cast laughs] -SHIRLEY: Love that you're critiquing ten years later.
-DAN: Why couldn't the show be two acts?! [Ken laughs] Does anybody have anything left
before we continue? Let's empty our tanks of lies
once and for all. My name is Jeff Winger,
and if I had my choice, I'd rather look at myself naked
than the women I sleep with. SHIRLEY: [sound of disgust] I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus
in the parking lot. It wasn't a taco truck. And it was racist of me to improvise
such an ethnically specific vehicle. I only give money to homeless people
when I'm walking with someone. I've never been to Legoland. (sad) I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool. [cast laughs] I can be a little passive-aggressive
sometimes... Don't everybody disagree at once! Oh...
Sorry, I did it again. When any of you chew gum,
I want to punch you. You might as well have submachine guns
in your mouths. It vibrates my skull. [Ken laughs] -Okay.
-Weirdly dark. [cast laughs] The assistant places an iPod nano
in front of Britta. Aw... that's nice. I also leave you this... (laughs) I... I also leave you...
[bleep] [cast laughs] I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylind-...
(laughs) [cast laughs] PEDRO: [high pitched scream] I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder
of my hyper-vir-... (laughs) Hyper-virile sperm in case your lesbian...
(laughs) [cast laughs] PEDRO: But I was looking at it
the first time. [cast laughs] -PEDRO: Alright. Ready?
-JEFF AND GILLIAN: Yeah. [sigh] (clears throat) I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder
of my hyper-virile... Hype, hype, hyper-virile sperm. In case your lesbian lifestyle
one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses. DAN: The assistant places
a silver futuristic looking cylinder smokey with dry ice
on the table in front of her. She stares at the cylinder stunned
and disgusted. I leave Shirley Bennett
my spacious timeshare in Florida where she can take what's his name and however many children she has now. -DAN: Shirley is dumbfounded.
-Oh. (laughing) I also leave you
this cylinder with my sperm... But I also... I also leave you...
I also leave you this cylinder with my sperm. -Jeff Winger. Did you know you're gay?
-No. Agree to disagree. To you,
I leave you this bottle of fine scotch, so that you're less tempted
to drink... (laughs) [cast laughs]
SHIRLEY: I was waiting for it! -PEDRO: How the hell do you guys do this?
-SHIRLEY: This is us, so we do laugh. Abed Nadir.
Did you know that you are insane and that nothing you said
made any sense to me? Yes. Here's your sperm. (laughs) [cast laughs] DONALD: When I watch the episode,
I love that "Here's your sperm!" DAN: How do you make sperm funny
eight times in a row? (laughing) Because...
because he's changing like... -We all know it's coming...
-DAN: Yeah, exactly. He's like "Here you go!" [cast laughs] -DONALD: Here's your sperm.
-SHIRLEY: Here's your sperm. (sigh) Okay. Sorry, Pedro. Can you take it from
"Here's your sperm"? [cast laughs] Yeah. Here's your sperm. To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm. DAN: A sperm cylinder
is placed in front of Troy. Maybe it's because everyone else
already got one or maybe it's because
it's an old man's semen. But I'm kind of disappointed?
[cast laughs] The rest of the group
is just plain shocked. (sad) Jeff... say something. I'm... speechless. Somebody say something. Abed? Cool. Cool, cool, cool. -That's a lie.
-Fade out. End of act 3. CAST: (in unison) Awww... -SHIRLEY: So sad.
-DAN: So sad. Try ending that sadly 30 Rock. [cast laughs] That's how we always got 'em.
That's how we always got the competition. We weren't afraid to bum everyone out.
[cast laughs] Tag. Interior bar. Night. The gang is at a bar with Mr. Stone who is in the middle of downing
a huge stein of beer all at once. Stone is way more drunk
than everyone else. I couldn't say anything but ooooh my god,
I was gonna explode! And the last question
with all that nice stuff and you were having
this big discussion about whether to quit. I was like... (pretends to bite nails) (screaming) I was like all crazy! Talk about lying?
I was lying the whole time! This is the real me, I'm artistic!
Isn't that right, baby? DAN: Mr. Stone puts an affectionate hand
on Mara. (upset) Don't touch me, Jason! Um... by the way.
We never found out how Pierce died. Oh my god! I didn't tell you this yet? It was dehydration, you know,
from filling all those cylinders. I mean, that's how I want to go,
but hey, I'm nuts! Hey! Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking? -DAN:The group is silent.
-(screaming) SHOOOOTS! -SHIRLEY: Adorable.
-JIM: Great. It's adorable. Fade out. End of tag. DAN: Would you guys mind waiting here... while I run over to the office.
I just want to do a couple punch ups. [cast laughs] -DAN: I think you get overtime.
-KEN: Oh, okay. DAN: I think this whole thing
should be set in a winnebago. [cast laughs] We did it. [cast cheers] -Thanks, Pedro. We love you.
-(screaming) Thank you! -You're the MVP.
-PEDRO: Thank you. You guys are amazing. Thanks for watching
the Community script-readthrough. Thank god for all of you that liked the show
and thank you to the cast members. And to Jim being stuck
in an IKEA somewhere. [cast laughs] -Thank you to everyone who stayed and watched.
-DONALD: Yes. Thank you. -JIM: Yes. Thank you everybody.
-CAST: Thank you! JOEL: Thanks for watching animal practice.
[cast laughs] -ALISON: Thanks for watching. Good night!
-JIM: Thanks for watching!
