HOGMAX
HOG WILD SAVINGS Ooh, Frank, my man! Glad to see you’re ready
to trade in that busted old model. Well, HogMax has the deal for you! Oh, Huggy, I don’t really need a new Hog. These Jump Spells
do the trick pretty well... Spells are nice, but nothing beats
riding a brand new slab of bacon! Come on in. We have a big Grand Challenge
sale going on this weekend. 25% off and I throw in the mud flaps. Yeah, we have to go... Maybe I came on too strong?
Maybe not strong enough? Maybe just the right amount?
Some guys hate that too. Hey! Dad...
I’ve let you down. HOG SALES REACH ALL-TIME LOW
UNDER NEW OWNER Why did I frame that one? I tell you, pop, times are tough.
Tough! Tough! Times tough?
Well you bet they are! But your business doesn't have to suffer. I’m Valerie the Valkyrie, famous developer
of the Clash Acres subdivision, and first investor in the Sparky. I’ll be speaking at the Clash Business
Conference tomorrow. Want to upgrade your business?
Then be there! Maybe I will be there... Look, she’s got her signature axe. NO APPLAUSE She did it! She slashed something! You know, when I was just starting out, I learned that there are three secrets
to running a successful business. And those three secrets are... available to you by signing up
for my Legendary Package! I also offer the Epic Package,
which will get you two of the secrets, and the Rare,
which will get you one of them! Plus you get an incredible opportunity to speed up the opening of the package
for just a handful of Gems! Twenty gold for the photo. Here!
We’re both touching it... Hey, uh, Ms. Valkyrie? Name’s Huggy,
I own a small used Hog lot. I can’t compete
with Jump Spells these days so... I was wondering
if you had any advice... Well I sure do.
Let me buy your lot. - Are you serious?
- Totally. I’ll buy your land and turn it
into one of my Valerie’s Hut Depots. Five-hundred thousand gold? Forget it!
I’ll be just fine without your money. Lot of nerve.
Lot of money, also a lot of nerve. Because I’m slightly annoyed,
this pic will cost you 40. And so we’re at this tree
and Eunice only claps four times. Four claps! Enough about my day, how was yours?
You sell any Hogs? Nope. But get a load of this: Valerie the Valkyrie
made me an offer for the lot. Five-hundred thousand gold.
Do you believe it? I said no! No! With five-hundred thousand gold
I could stop working. Alice, my father built that lot.
Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Of course it does. But just think... We could finally buy Cookie
a real hammer! Huggy, there you are. Yes, we had to move your lot
outside the village. Wait. What? Why? We’re phasing out Hog Riders
now that we have those sweet Jump Spells. Also, we needed to make room for this. What does that even do? It lets them know where the ground is. But, Barbarian King, if my lot
isn’t protected by the village walls, how am I supposed
to keep it safe from attacks? It’s being attacked as we speak! U-huh. And it’s time
for me to attack my dinner. My dad didn’t raise a quitter! A crappy businessman,
but not a quitter! GRAND RE-OPENING Who’s there?!
Stupid creepy wind... If you’re a disoriented Miner,
go back into the tunnel you came from! That’s weird. Could this day get any worse? What is this place...? Thank goodness.
I thought you were... Who-who-who are you? I'm your worst nightmare. No, that would be finding a thumb
in my soup or letting my father down. That sounds like something
you need to talk about. Well, I guess it always felt like
his expectations for me were so high... I didn’t mean with me! Tell me... For what grand reason
do you dare disturb me? I didn’t mean to, honestly!
I kind of just fell down here... I see.
That’s what they all say... So who are you and what is this? I am the ancient Royal Ghost! And this is my lair, which lies below
what used to be my Royal Arena. This Clash Royale Arena was once
the most exquisite in the world, many years ago,
in what we now refer to as the Beta Age. - Who’s we?
- Me, that guy before he died... Plenty of people. Anyway, Clashers
would come from far and wide to test their skill against mine,
but none could best me. Ho ho, nice! So you were the best forever
and you never got beaten. Can I finish my story? I lost my way. I got arrogant and I grew careless. And one day, I paid for it... Dead?! I lost to that Prince Morgan. I hung up my sword.
I closed the Arena. And I banished myself
to an eternity of sleepless solitude, to ruminate on my failure
and to study strategy. Eternity? There’s a village up there, if you need
a break from your failure studies. Strategy! I ruminate on failure
and study strategy! I probably wouldn’t even
recognize the surface world. Plus, I’m a ghost now
and people are scared of ghosts. Can’t you do some sort of magic sword
thing so only I can see you? I guess I could do that. It’s not the sword
that’s magic though, it’s me. The sword is just for show. Let’s go up there then! Worst case, you come back
and spend eternity figuring out how you could’ve won. Okay, let's do it. Oh! Upsy-daisy. It’s not magic,
but I feel naked without it. It’s a Clash Village now,
but you’ll still recognize things... The Sun! I have to be careful.
I freckle easily. That’s the Spell Factory. That’s the Clan Castle and...
that’s a rock. But it’s a modern rock! And this is HogMax,
where fine swine shine. Why is your Hog store
outside village walls? I got pushed out, plain and simple. Business has been bad lately,
my phantom friend. Real bad. That looks nice. Hey, look fast, you have an invader!
Stand aside! Hoo, that’s no invader,
that’s a customer! Hello friend, what can I do
to put you on top of a Hog today? - I’m just looking.
- Oh, sure, you have to look, right? Take your time, no pressure. When you’re ready,
I’ll be here to help! Okay, thanks. Now?
How about now? Now?
How about now? I’m right... I’ll be...
If you need me. I’m... I’m sorry, but can you just
give me some space? If space is what you’re looking for,
check out this porker! - Big enough for your family.
- I’m leaving. Then why don’t you leave
on this baby? It’s got Blue Tooth! I’m no salesman,
but something tells me that’s not how that was supposed to go. Maybe Alice is right. I should just cut my losses
and sell the lot. And admit defeat?
What kind of warrior are you? I’m not a warrior, I’m a builder.
They’re basically opposites. I think we found the problem! You’re treating this business
like it’s a game... When you should be treating it like war! Step one: Destroy your competition. JUMP SPELLS Step two: Make yourself the answer
to what people need... by any means. Step three:
Show the people who’s in charge... Crown yourself the victor. FOLLOW ME TO HOGMAX! Customers? Come on in!
We’re open for business! And forget about this sign. I have to hand it to you.
I see why you were never defeated. Except for that one time:
the one that haunts you. Ah, it looks like my special delivery
is arriving now. Minion chow?
P.E.K.K.A polish? Benjamin Batch’s Skeleton wax? What’s all this?! It’s a strategy to expand your business
by catering to the needs of all troops and not just Hog Riders. I don’t know. HogMax
has been a Hog dealership since day one. Just Hogs nothing else.
That was our first motto! JUST HOGS! NOTHING ELSE! It wasn’t good. Or clever. Or catchy. But it did represent what we do.
We sell Hogs. Now you sell this stuff too. It’s like
I’m twisting your arm to make you money. - I thought you wanted to be a champion.
- Yeah, I do... Then get out there and be one. Ooh, solid choice! Solid choice! It’s 2 for 1, you better stock up!
Get one for your clone! Oh ho, who’s that superstar?
Kidding, Irving, I know it’s you! We have business to discuss. Oh, Valerie! When I saw the ax
I thought it might be you. Hearing your voice was another clue.
But seeing you locked it up. It’s you! Listen, I’m upping my offer. I’ll buy your stupid lot
for two million gold. Gold! Two million gold? Gold! - We have to sell.
- You can’t sell. Your Hog business is worth so much more! That’s more gold
than we had ever dreamed of. And I’m the best dreamer I know! I know, but I can’t sell now.
HogMax is finally successful. Okay. I support you,
but two million gold? - Goo...
- Yeah. You like gold. We get it. That much gold would get
Cookie her braces a lot faster. If you build your empire my way, you’ll have enough gold
to buy braces made of Gems! What are braces? Forget the braces, at this rate,
we’ll get her a new set of teeth! Just showing the air who’s boss. Victory will be ours.
And not just in finance. Also, in battle. Battle? What battle? This place is doing well.
My dad would be proud. It’s not enough to refuse
the offer of your enemy Valerie. Oh no! He must be crushed. Uh, you mean she? Did I say “he?” Hm, strange.
Of course I meant “he”. Wow, I did it again. Odd. She. - I’m a Builder! I don’t fight.
- But I do. Really well. - Well, yes but...
- Really well. I have the numbers you asked for.
But you won’t like them. Give it to me straight. Well, according
to the latest sales numbers, Valerie’s Hut Depot is now
ranked second. To HogMax. And order me a new desk! You’re doing what? Apparently I’ll lead an attack
on the next Village over, and wipe out Valerie’s Hut Depot. Who’s filling your head with these ideas? Don’t say it was me! You’ll sound crazy. Daddy, can I go watch you fight? No, no one’s watching him fight,
because he’s not fighting. We have to distract her. I know.
I’ll stand next to her and make her cold! I think I’m getting sick.
I need to lie down. - Now the child.
- Don’t even think about it! Don’t worry, we’re going to fight. - Who are you talking to, daddy?
- Huh? No one, sweetie. Okay. I thought maybe
you were talking to a ghost. I’m cold, daddy. I told you not to do that! What? I just sat here.
Being a ghost gets tiring sometimes. Now what are you waiting for? The troops are ready
for you to lead them to victory. And for you to lead me
to that which I’ve always desired. - You? What do you want?
- What? Just the sense of satisfaction at seeing a man live up
to his father’s dreams. That’s all. Listen to the Royal Ghost, son. He sounded nothing like that. The enemy’s walls are weakest here. Huggy? Why are the Hog Riders
amassing at the town gates? What is all this? Tell him it’s a promotional campaign. Oh just kind of an advertisement
for HogMax. A promotional campaign? Right. A promotional campaign! We’ll march the Hog Riders
over to the next Village. The Hogs will blow horns and the Riders will toss out
coupons for 15% off. On everything?
Even the sword sharpening stones? Hey, for you, it’s a 100% off. Oh, feel the edge on that thing. Oh, who’s edgy, baby?
You’re edgy, yes you are. VALERIE’S HUT DEPOT I don’t know, Ghosty.
They have heavy defences. X-Bows, Mines, Cannons.
We’re just Hogs. And Hog Riders. You’re overthinking it.
We mapped this out. There’s only one thing left:
for you to inspire your troops. Tell them why we need to fight. We have no time to waste, so I’ll make
this short and short on details. They’re the enemy and we attack enemies. So let’s attack!
For the Village! For the Clan! For HogMax! For daddy! When I saw your success,
I knew you’d try to take us over, because that’s the kind of evil thing
I would do. We were ready and now we’re ready
to make sure you never try that again. Well, we almost beat her! Are you kidding? We got crushed. Only because of her trickery
and deception. Yeah, and also
because of their Level 5 Dragons. She was a cheater and she cheated.
That’s the end of it. Revenge! I’m not sure about “the end of it.” Sorry, dad. It’s all gone. At least I still have this picture. Such a shame.
I don’t know how we lost here too. We lost because you put a Hog salesman
in charge of an army, you dummy! We never stood a chance! Perhaps.
And now that we’ve been defeated, I have to banish myself
to an eternity of sleepless solitude, to ruminate on my failure
and study strategy. Wait a minute! That’s exactly
what you said when I found you. Is it? Hm. Hold it.
You wanted to lose, didn’t you? You want to be miserable. You wanted
a new villain to ruminate about! You were sick of Prince Morgan. He was a deceitful one,
but not nearly as duplicitous as Valerie. Now she’s worth ruminating about! Oh, let’s see.
Even the name sounds villainous! It’s perfect. Valerie the villain,
Valerie the villain. Thank Clash you’re okay! I'm sorry baby. I was a fool... a fool who got duped
by a Royal Ghost. A Royal Ghost? So they’re real? Yup, and I let him advise me. It turned out it was a con
and I fell for it like an idiot. Why don’t you get back at him? Cookie, how would I do that?
I’m just a Hog salesman, now without anywhere to sell Hogs. Seems to me that
if the Royal Ghost did anything, he proved
that you can do so much more. - What are you doing, daddy?
- I’m ruminating. Next tour leaves in 5 minutes.
Presented in both English and Goblin. You are standing
in an ancient Clash Royale Arena from a time
when there were no Princess Towers! Now this is the lair of a bitter
and tedious Royal Ghost. I am not tedious! Here he will spend eternity
stewing over his past failures, because he loves to be miserable! The only thing that’s making me miserable
are these people touching my things! Get rid of them immediately. You’re right.
Send the next group in! Hope you enjoyed. Exit through
the shop, take something home. How am I supposed to ruminate?! Boy, the markup on hamburgers
down here is huge. Well, once you’re in the lair,
they got you. FAILURE QUITTERS GIVING 98% BUY VALERIE’S BOOK
