Chris D'Elia - H3 Podcast #126

- welcome Super Trouper army this is your general foolish Maximus today we go to war with along our side our comrade Chris Delilah that's right in the words of Oliver tree also known as Chris D'Elia yes known as Chris D'Elia but for Oliver tree Chris de la creme of mine with that ultimate death yeah yeah that is the ultimate diss for me that it really is thank you to our sponsors ring and me undies now Chris is a hilarious comedian I'm sure you guys all know him friend of the show this is his third time being on come on tickets he's on tour Chris D'Elia dot-com slash tour he's got a new Netflix special coming out that he's recording on the 9th follow the leader of the month of November neither November 9th of some undescribed month second season of you on Netflix is coming up soon you're starring in action movies was that snider it's all happening or Chris D'Elia it's a good time to be Chris D'Elia yeah yeah yeah yeah it feels good I'm going to Albuquerque to do I don't even know do you know so all right so do you know about the stuff with Albuquerque that happened with me you had beef oh yeah I mean yeah you don't know so all right so you're trash-talking all I'm a talented boy yeah I was just being silly but so I just wrote on on Twitter something like Albuquerque makes Jacksonville seem like paradise or something or Narnia and it's not good I don't even well yeah it's amazing right all the talking animals so I did so I wrote that on Twitter and then the next day I was in the news in Albuquerque they were like comedian bashes Albuquerque and then they interview people on the street and they're like yeah I don't know why he'd say that I'm like you don't so then on my podcast congratulations I talked about it huh me the news was just hilarious to me I mean it was so funny to me and then I made another segment on the news later it was like he talked about it on his podcast and the Despero man helped and I was like you I'm talking about how shitty the city is you're proving it yeah I'm the headline like that nothing's happening and so when I got this Zack Snyder movie army of the Dead which is you know I've my fans know you know I don't think it's out there in the world but my real fans know I've I want to do action I tell my ages are like dude a lot of these comedies that you put me out for like you know I bet the best version of comedy for me is gonna be my stand-up you know like dude let me do some something give me the gun or something so they finally got this thing and and I and I I never liked and I was like it takes place in Vegas I was like dude I get to go to Vegas for like two months and just kind of like develop a drug addiction or like you know and something fun and and they were like no shoots in Albuquerque not like are you I mean I I'm sure I mean people on the street in LA will be like hey what's up with Albuquerque I'm sure in Albuquerque it's more of a thing it was on the news you are like a household name there yeah an Albuquerque that's New Mexico yeah that's like a little in the cuts people get a little weird and wild out there dude I was there last week to do the fitting and everything and all that and meet all the guys and and I walked down to the hotel lobby and I was like hey where can I get something to eat and they're like no and I was like what they were like it's just there's nothing closed and I'm like it's like a 10:30 you know and now it's go back up the hotel so I let me check Yelp you know and so I check Yelp and there's a place open I was like okay I called you guys still serving yet till 1:00 so I was all right cool so I go down I get an uber I go down to the hotel lobby and I was like hey mmm just asking you because I don't know this area really I'm going to this spot whatever it was is it safe I don't know is it a bad neighborhood and the guy in the lobby goes like this ah no it's it's a perfect it's fine I was like okay cool just check it I've known I did I told the story of my pockets ready but so so I was like okay cool and so I get in the uber the uber driver says hey are you Kristalina and I was like yep and I use like how cool I was like ah nice you know and then he's like I was like he's like you know I don't normally do a goober driving I just I do it at night but in a day time a crime scene investigator yeah and in my head I I immediately think well no you're not that's a high it's not like yeah you're not a brain sir you know talking about brain surgery money but you got it made like a degli money yeah yeah so I'm like all right yeah so I was like so I'm going to this spot he's I got the spot in the thing okay cool and then he's like man it's crazy seven people were shot here last week he's like I worked the case not like the guy just said it was a fine neighborhood seven people got shot that's a real story did you check the crime report no I was like you know and how was the food it was fine it was tacos it was fine it should have been you know honestly maybe should've been better because it's like a Mexico taco okay so that's the trick about New Mexico I don't think they're I think you want Old Mexico for the video I know it's a bunch of white people I know yeah I'm problem yeah I mean they're yeah yeah yeah a lot a lot a lot of I don't I don't know man we'll see I'm gonna be there for two months it leads did you got some great stories man I think there's gonna be some beef I think you have to lay low a little bit yeah well you should stoke the flames while you're there too well I'm here and you're here bitches come fine I mean knowing me yeah yeah you know I'll do something like I wanna I thought about but is there something funny I could shoot there or whatever because you don't like the mayor yeah so I'm gonna you know fly product the producers out there and you would dare I got to do it you know why not keep up to date mm-hmm so you totally moved for two months right yes yeah I mean I keep saying like are there spots where I can come back and forth and like we don't know the whole schedule mm-hmm I get it it's a big production yeah dude that's that is super exciting I read this obnoxious girl and it sounds like so much fun yeah it's a zombie quarantine yeah in Vegas and I'll tell you what I like that because whenever there's zombie movies they take over the whole planet it's like how pathetic are we as human beings they quarantine reyga's great that means that's I like that okay you guys go into the quarantine on a heist yeah I don't know how much I can say so you say that what I read someplace yeah but and I'm like man that sounds like a lot of fun Zack Snyder who's up like made so many incredible films I mean I am super excited yeah yeah yeah I mean I you know I just wanted to do action that's what I wanted to do that's what I want to do I want to continue to do that I'll call me just straight action I mean you want to be um you want to be an action star yeah 100 you want to be what about it this was John Reeves those guys are mine like Keanu Reeves yeah just cuz you can go from Bill and Ted do you know John Webb yeah even like Nicolas Cage I love those kind of movies where he's just like you know like like face off like those movies like no good you seen face off you know it's you know it's like it's so good let me tell you the plot yeah a superstar cop and one of the most notorious criminals in the world I don't remember why this happened but their faces get transplanted why on earth would that happen there's no legitimate reason but their faces get transplanted so the criminal goes and sleeps with the cops wife yeah and the cops going with his homies face off literally metaphorically oh man it's like it was a Michael Bay Michael bell oh that makes sense it's gotta be a Michael Bay right it's John Woo jeonbu directed yep that's a wolf Li okay it's too complex for bit oh I'm thinking about what's the one where the yeah what's the prison where they go to prison the yes that's me the rock I think that's highbrow birthday that's the babe made the Ross yes but face off is a man that movies good that's right because face off had the white the doves that Flynn the change on boys were had with the doves and like they go all the way like the criminal goes and his wife you know with his face on and and you get she's like hella into it like he doesn't she doesn't realize that his whole body's different yeah really buddy's yeah oh yeah their bodies different right what just face or body off but he a different body yeah yeah no I well that if you those kinds of movies yeah hell yeah and I think it's because in my head like when I was like younger and I thought about it I was like how cool would it be to do stand-up comedy but also like imagine if Jason Statham did stand-up comedy like the contract it would make no sense it would make zero sense that was what I want to do you're conquering to the left and right yeah and I don't want to be like I'm not talking about action movie like what's that one with Mark Wahlberg and nobody comedies yeah yeah I'm not talking about I'm talking about taxes hanging yeah the end of it that's what a helicopter and so I started working out hard you know and I was like I was I hate to my agents I was like dude I'm not good I'm not gonna not get action because of me bro mmm-hmm I'm doing all I can so I got a little bit more beefy you know and then they were like alright you know and then so the beef help do you think the beef got you there I don't know how did they end up like shirtless pics uh they had taken pictures of your new naked I mean you've been yeah I mean I always post I always have always posted with my shirt off because I think it's funny but you know now that right I've been working out a little bit more people like oh your pose was assured I was like dude I always do it yeah yeah that's true it doesn't change the context when you get jacked yeah yeah what am i off hey you know that's funny in a sense when you get jacked you got to start like wearing your shirt mark to know people like oh what you bought you yeah yeah but it's funny so I don't know I just want to run around with a gun because it was so who's your idea of the favorite act of the perfect action stars a kyon oh yeah uh-huh is my favorite because he's like I really like Bruce Willis too but he's kind of as much as I think Tom Cruise is such a ding-dong he's so good though he's a great actor yeah he really is I mean people just hate on him because he's the big it was the biggest what it maybe still is you know but he's well yeah that too because he's a psycho yeah but but every movie is so good yeah what look that's what the think the thing about Keano is like he's been famous as long as anybody really has been famous right and I always think like if you've if you've been famous for that long you you have to be crazy everyone is always just like like mega famous yeah a list for 30 years there he is I know and so with Tom Cruise it's like people say he's crazy yeah but I get it he's knows an Cruise forever it's not your goal I would be I'm I'm already feeling you know a deal is like are you looking to join Scientology in 10 years I am all that I'm looking at creative one I mean yeah Tom you gotta outshine time in the crate Tom and the crazy yeah mom I want to be the baby ala l ron hubbard guy yeah cuz tom is like best friend with the main guy you want to replace them and I'm the main guy yeah yeah I'll get other guys coming up all like I'm like it's like those guys who go to high school and watch the basketball players like that's what I'm doing a younger acting oh my god yeah he's got some talent right I need that Tom Cruise right you know I could see it I feel like you can I think you I think I'm just trying to get a cult man for real fantastic well your future's looking bright and I can see you're a little more unhinged than the last year so that's why do get more comfortable with you guys for yeah yeah let me speaking of getting comfortable let me show you this video and you just don't know what you think I love watching videos and problem because they're super nice super need use so called attacks progress is absolutely and you know as acceleration it's not the problem which I can I can it's all with the little mites command but mmm bike acronyms difficulty both see that the probe is silly picked up on Titan murmurs Oh curse me there's a better than that silly but are we in see a doctor employ means to me Korea yes use up your second sign is isn't often homies now so can I go see a lawyer but Ottoman and play up I see a nice return you're gonna probably that's the boxes on bail sooo I mean you probably survived but that I said no two seconds on the clock you almost made it what oh wow that's hard to do dude he had three seconds on the clock bro he almost made it that huge show a countdown to see how long you can go without open your mouth welcome to not draw it up you see we can go one minute without the grown open your mouth we've got the most nervous guys in the planet you know what it looks like the whole time it looks like he is so it looks like this guy is the real looks like he's the first guy that can actually like turn into a werewolf and it's like he's like it happened like three times before I've had the serum and like I don't have it on me and he's trying so hard he said it's my body I know that I cannot turn into it if I just calm down but the clock is with him he's like why is this clock even on this and he's like almost there and then after it cuts after he almost after this that was like he got it he just swallowed it he's like okay I'll be human I love that he soldiered through that and I would like to have seen her face yeah that's true that's a good point but what does it count down for I saw what I think it is is it's like a political show you know where they're like it's a hot take all right I give him three minutes okay like there's the beginning yeah we've got four minutes it's a hot oh it's four whole minutes and the almost made it he's like just don't feel it's just zombies may make a good politician because he's willing to make the difficult choice oh yeah you know they man and condemn sure dude I'll tell you what if that was I would have meat all over myself yeah I would have picked on it would have made it to her yeah it uh III wouldn't even a try would have just been like that is really uh Wow so is he like a viral sensation now I think he's the president now I think he's the president of Finland yeah Wow that's hilarious how many views Wow that's a classic bloody look it was a full mouth oh my goodness oh my I think he's got some kind of genetic thing because he looks like he's halfway to Stephen Hawking maybe I bet he was so nervous yeah but he was nervous like I saw in the reddit comments that apparently the see that's not funny though before that he's got a problem yes yeah on it I mean can it be funny theater problem it's less funny it's less fun yeah I wish he was just a regular guy yeah what up for that cuz then it's like cuz then you can identify with it too because like I'm a regular guy alright and I will be so funny if that happened to me congratulations on on getting fifty thousand uncanny highest cameo remember in fact I've got the link here yeah I have to tell you you know you can book me for fifty thousand dollars I was I was kind of upset because I've been I've been around with cameo and I goof on kami a lot and when I saw that I was a little bitter so I I would ask them alright Sawyer because they they probably do to you - they do - everyone they email me and yellow like a thousand times a week I talked about I'm apart cuz they text me and they text you oh that's cuz you signed up yeah I signed up yeah what do they say um hey you want to put your logo right yeah you wanna Laurie right yeah because I started it I was like well I I think I started for $1,000 that's the max and I didn't know it was the Matt or maybe I did I remember because I and so I was like I'm not doing this for less than $1,000 and I started getting booked like like eight nine times really yeah yeah you do him so I did one and then I just felt weird it's that I just was like I'm not gonna do him anymore and then I would get booked and they were like and by the way I didn't know that they make 25% of it mm-hmm then I was like also I'm only making 750 not only but and then I was like and then I was and then it kept being like you got booked it's gonna expire and I was like yeah and I just felt I felt I felt like I'm well first of all I'm not gonna do it for $30 because it's just not worth it for me well yeah but then $4,000 then I feel bad yeah yeah charging people that so so so I was like I just didn't do him and then I was like it sucks I can't make it more and I did it on my podcast and some of the people on cameo list of my podcast cuz they they talked to me about it and and then somebody wrote me and said hey we put it to $50,000 for you and I was like what and I'm now it won't go bad if somebody gets that I won't feel bad because you have a lot of money you're getting that so there are no bookings well that's what I like being on there but as you said put to Moe's ridiculous and I don't want to take $1,000 for ya fans to be like hey hey while I'm taking a dump be like hey guys yeah congratulations I just don't get I was looking at this on my podcast I don't get why people like I know these people make money okay so I wanted to look over this with you because you bring that up yeah but at any rate um I was like give me a hundred thousand I'll sign up for cameo right any SEC done that yeah the intern he's like done and then I signed up and he's like sorry my boss says I can't give you a hundred no no no that will delete my account yeah I got I guess yeah yeah but let's let's start from the top Caitlyn Jenner is the I guess the number one real right 2500 she she lint she lists her icon or her her occupation is icon sure what else does she I do accept chill I don't know she's a show right it's very self completa wonder if she wrote that about I want to change mine to Lord but like Caitlyn Jenner is rich oh yeah that's all Kevin O'Leary the Kevin O'Leary he literally is a billionaire whoa he's a sharda part of me was like maybe maybe they're doing it because it's like fanservice but what a Vance service for $1,000 do it for free man yes exactly so what I'm saying maybe they thought maybe they thought I spent time thing about this maybe they thought that it was making them more famous to just beyond like it was a brand thing you know I'm saying that's the only thing that makes sense to me no and it's like oh you'll have to have an Instagram maybe they are thing all you have to have a cameo I mean because I'm amazed at the breadth of people Brett the guy makes money broke Chris Harrison I've been watching my Bassam oh did he create don't wonderful he hosts millionaire he's on bass okay but he pops you watch bachelor not he pops in for two seconds is the dumbest ready yeah he's rich he'd the dudes on TV going down let's see but like Carrie page I can't get over this hi hi imagine her in her $500 in her fifty million dollar mansion hi it's Caitlyn Jenner it'd be kind of but that's the thing though like you'll be kind of crazy to get one from her like whoa like but these are girly cuz she's probably just watching TV with the sound on you know what I mean like dude these guys Charlie Sheen bro like let's look up some net worths well he might have went bankrupt but by the way is making money like Helen mr. wonderful net worth you know it was that 400 million don't know like what's going on here really Caitlyn Jenner are these guys just natural-born hustlers you know what I mean maybe 100 million this guy's like dude I'm not gonna decline the opportunity to make a thousand rounds yeah that's how he is yeah surprise Bill Gates isn't on here Billy Zane when the lost some heard that name that gotta be 500 he's gonna yeah he's gotta have money though no go down keep going down I don't know if Billy Zane super rich Billy Zane net worth Alaska my summon was in Zorro dude about 20 million nah he's you think that's generous yeah I think that's generous till it was in Titanic but but minor role yeah what we got here again this is another shark bro Robert yeah what is this the most expensive why am I not up to time I want to say you got blue bald you're not number one yeah they don't they're with me they excluded you they just want to get your ass down how many orders you get it just zero I definitely have zero Gary Busey that would that one would be worth the iced tea iced tea come on he's been in SVU for 334 watches 3018 20 Tommy Lee look at this homey from the office look at that but there's a guy who probably you know yeah that's a that one's worth so it's Terrell Owens I bet that guy I doesn't he didn't he squander all his money like I don't I don't really know actually another honor bar balls yeah see that some of them make sense oh the guy yeah that makes sense who's Beth she's a shark too and she's also on the Desperate Housewives there you know what I'm noticing my desperate but the Housewives of Beverly Hills it's pretty you've been watching you know all the Sharks up here I wonder if they have some kind of deal with cameo I mean Brett Favre dude Brett Farr some row what are you doing I mean it's it's I love looking through this list this shit's making me want to up my price trip Oh Donald you got Trisha Paytas god bless normies her norm baby he's got to get paid I don't think I think norm got shafted I don't think he's rich nor makes good money doing stand-up though for sure does he sell big audiences I mean big enough to where you're making definitely my point five million you probably also not it probably also gets odd gigs where it's like oh they're big fans they want to fly without you and $200,000 and this is when it starts getting weird when you got the Billy Baldwin yeah yeah yeah this is when it starts getting you got me oh I want to get Neil I told them I told people I'm Park as I get neo to say you've got Lance Bass here yeah you know this homie you got Colton it was the bachelor last season okay you've got Kevin from the office but the Colton was a good guy to have it Riley because what the is he gonna do that guy's broke write a book yeah that's not gonna get braver anyway you get the idea but there's some really funny ones you can really oh look at this you got the tick this is incredible her eye concert with her Ted out from the office well a lot of office people huh yeah they're all up here too man Ernie Hudson chocolate dough Robert Robert toffee Wow it'd be pretty cool there's people I get it it's really the ones I don't billionaires billionaires yeah but it's it's a weird bear there's the perfect guy to get on it right here Oh Chumlee the guy from Ponce bro obviously has no butt Oh yo Chumley is the richest dude from that show how he made some kind of company that went mega Craig oh really oh I'm wrong 5 million well are you pretty good I mean it's pretty good huh well yeah I thought he was richer it does say is there a girl here wrote Chumley is richer than what you think yeah show's been on for a bit right yeah yeah for some reason we still always watch that in Israel yeah never I was at helix parents house you know it was always on yeah I don't know what kind of crazy anyway there you have yeah but I wanted to tip I want to let you know the Cameo people are not respecting your well your pay yeah I doubt even if they were I would he ever get booked for $50,000 you should book yourself just to all but then I'd have to give them so if you if anyone's listening from cameo I would sign up for a hundred thousand and I I would if you asked me to do one I'll do it and I've been for $50,000 and I will take your money yeah like straight up and buy cool for me mm-hmm you know I'll give a little to charity I guess you know because that would probably right these are you donate to charity um I do like a benefits and doing stand-up that had announced yeah should I do like that I do want to I do want to start something though I've been thinking about a lot lately like I want to start some kind of foundation or something you know oh that seems like a whole night I I know that's the getting like dude I'm I'm like I don't want to do more work but then like really a foundation what would you add or I don't know see it's more work for you I know I what are you got to pay someone a management all and I don't I don't have I'm not like I don't have like I don't I always think of like people who do that like super-rich Bill Gates yeah like I don't have obviously that kind of money yeah I'm doing well but like you know it's like I think it's because it doesn't require so much right yeah and you don't want to mess with out you don't want to do it wrong yeah so you have to have someone legit yeah yeah I would just donate to like st. Jude's or something kids we yeah sir yeah yeah yeah yeah that because that's just yeah but I I do want to do something like that though eventually well if you can one day have you know Tom Cruise money Tom Cruise net oh yeah yeah and you you know I don't know how 570 million bro Tom Cruise yeah hell bro just an actor but how much do you money do you want how much do I want yeah in life yeah like a fall so if I reach this number I'd be like I'm done right making money yeah I think the number for me would be see people are gonna think like dude you're so out of it yeah but who cares well what do they know wearing Gucci slides probably 20 million yeah well I always thought like that is like because then you can do whatever you want I'm never restricted by money if you ask the normal person no they'd say that I think a normal person would say lower because they don't understand how much it cost to live the lifestyle that I enjoy right but if aunt Dan Dan and Zach how much money would you need to be like I'm done working if you could ignore this conversation well not do you want you don't need to worry about money over again you can do whatever you want life yeah I would I would say something lower I probably just say like a million bucks and you don't understand see ya a million I'm not gonna go out and buy gucci slides yeah but doesn't thing if you had a Milosz you would buy that again okay is any in but that's what I thought I think plebs like Dan would say one or five million I think that would be called debt let me tell you million bull a million but you're gonna be back to go back to work in two years absolutely set the bar higher but also keep in mind we're talking about living in LA which is yeah but that's the world you got it you gotta have enough money to live anywhere that's the data that's true if you want to have a nice house part of family that's a question that's what uh in LA how much well in LA it's at least a million is a to be on so family so seriously in LA it's true this I think if you want a nice house a nice single-family house in LA it's like 1.5 yeah one starts at one point from yeah so if you want to live a life where you can drop whatever your fridge all your not working you can go wherever you want whenever you want you first clock in about first class you want to go on a trip till done you want to go on a trip to Fiji you want to go on a trip whatever die nanny is 20 30 grand you want to go to our first class to Singapore that's 20 grand yeah yeah so so 20 grand has to mean nothing to you exactly and if you're Amelia have a million-dollar swing there's a lot of money so if you have one email what's your number for me to be like I did it you're gonna it's gonna be really high you have to be a hundred million dollars and nobody's gonna still I would still be like I could lose this yeah no you're right though it would people don't understand how that's possible but they're not wearing cootchie slide yeah and I must show shoes where you these ones aren't aren't too too expensive how much ordinary one retail 160 maybe but did you buy everything I don't even you got rocket yeah I don't even remember I think I don't even remember so if you bought a shoe for $300 would that be would you consider that expensive no yeah right but it is yeah for sure yeah but that's the that's see that's the difference Zaki nian what's your number I think I got agree with Chris hundred million just something I like to call you money because like you can that's just at a level of beyond you know cuz okay so let me ask a question who said 20 million or who said 1 million is man yeah alright well you know right now you're like yeah actually like you're thinking I are first ya gotta be like here's the thing I maybe I didn't understand the question correctly because you're saying just instantly retire I wouldn't retire with a million if I had its money I play the markets I would live and press it's the means where I'm saying the money to where you're like okay I'm done I don't have to do whatever I want any time and I don't have to worry about running ever I want any time yeah then yeah I mean it would have to be higher than that yeah what do you think about like eyeing a house will ya you'd be done if you spend and don't forget you got to pay tax pop with you oh I don't pay taxes well yeah well that's enough it's a good is a very good well that is a counterpoint if you spend fifty thousand dollars a year which is easy to do in LA that'll last you twenty years Dan fifty and you'll be borough and $50 that's fifty so that's all good man twenty years I said yeah exactly I'm 32 but you probably didn't want to spend more than that $50,000 a year in LA yeah you could live comfortably off that you could live you know yeah yeah but Dan has a good mouth mates that's what he's thinking are in this world house man yes yeah your dreams aren't even good right now that we have a kid is a thousand a month yes exactly diapers and what you're not realize like five hundred and I know what's right and you know how much money it's like and like because I would still do stand-up I would still do it but but right now I I have to do it because it's my life it's my make money but like I would still do it even if I had 100 million dollars but I would be like yeah I don't have to you know but then that's why you stopped painting and you be kind of like I love watercolors like well good that's your true blessing in life like yeah what the would what would you do you had a hundred moon doll you keep doing this Parker problem I mean what else am I good yeah yeah it's kind of like what else might be I'm gonna sit home play video games for three days I'm gonna get so depressed and bored yeah there's no I well the work is the work is the life yeah you you have this motivation you're chasing you want to get you want to make money you I paid and so you have this dopamine level you have this chemical drive you do it a hundred percent so I think it's important yeah my work is the life like my dad is like 71 and he is like I retire like he's not you know I mean he's going he's still gone but like he's just like I don't get it guys talk about retiring he's like I just don't get it what are you gonna do yeah he still he can bend down touches tells you 70 but he's spry means it's like yeah whenever we like do nothing for a few days I get so I know like oppress it's depressing your body starts to hurt yeah you just feel so like brain-dead I don't know yeah and then you're like oh man if I was retired I'll just go play disc golf all the time and be so sweet you go play disc golf watching it's sucks I hate being here I know you know and your free time is so much more fun like after this podcast I'm gonna go home I'm gonna watch TV I'm gonna cha it's gonna be great yeah because you know you did exactly that being said I realistic number one hundred million is a little high but the prot thing is with twenty million dollars but you could put that in a money market yeah sure at two-and-a-half 20 million you're making what true I don't know looking what what's the number for 45 right now both telling you what brand of 20 million is about a year we gotta take a break just in it right okay that's good man yeah that'll cover a couple of plane tickets or however you your quality life is yes eyeko yeah we'll be right back we're gonna throw it to a break and then maybe I'll finally get an answer from Ian about what his cost his forty bucks all right we'll be back all right ring is a product that I fully endorse that I am absolutely in love with and a product that was on Shark Tank that all of the members passed on and now the owner of ring the guy who went in there and pitched and got rejected is a shark himself wow what a story how did he become a shark he made one of the best products ever made let me tell you about ring first of all you got the doorbell you replace your old shitty doorbell with 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immediately there's no beef thank you you know rumors swirl around the vegan office no yeah no you know what I was thinking no what we were talking about would you could you ever be as a as a as a man like the guy who just chills like a dad that just shows at home like a stay-at-home dad yeah and the man and the MA your wife I thought kills it is kind of dreaming about that it's always been my joy because you just said but you just said the work is the biggie right okay but you have a job when you're stayed on that yeah it's taking care of a kid like we've got a one-month-old yeah mother takes it so so you would have work you know right you would have you have gold yeah right okay so it's a goal thing yeah all right cool yeah you have like daily objectives right yeah or weekly objectives thats what's important I don't think I could ever do that I could do it really I I could do it big-time what would be so great spent be at home with it sure no you have it and you and so you know what that looks like and heels like and I don't so but I'm but of course it's not for everyone it is you piece of by Nature I put you're clearly you're but you're not not that's not funny and like I genuinely feel that I know I know I'll tell you what you can do both that's the interesting part yeah Ethan can be lazy and like it can definite it doesn't have that need to like oh I gotta get out of bed at 10:00 a.m. like no you'll just stay in the bed if there's nothing so we have a lot common that way because like I some days like literally all I do is go to the gym or and I don't even do you know bro that's a lot yeah I get it a lot no that's bad but whenever you have to make a video and let's say there's a deadline you'll work you'll stay up all night if you need to all of sudden I'm I wake up at 7:00 and you're not there you're editing or I guess it's a problem of motivation or you're just really efficient you work when you know you have to thank you really things about me you're a procrastinator I think you try to say in the kindest way well the thing is you know if there's nothing to do I'm really bad I guess at creating things for to do for myself mmm right look if I don't have a deadline or something to work on I will just veg out the gym are you kidding I get it you don't worry later no no it's not it's like the thought of going to the gym will make just thinking about it will make me exhausted for the week yeah yeah okay yeah so and I don't like it either I'll veg out and I'll be depressed about it but I don't have the will or the motivation to go do anything but I feel like for me even if I know that we have nothing to do like I don't know if something my parents put in my head but it's like oh it's already like 10:00 a.m. I gotta get out of bed yeah I don't have that no problem yeah I used to feel bad sleeping but now that I'm a comedian I work nights a lot I'm travelling all the time once I I'll tell you this man I hope this helps people out there I would get sick if I get enough sleep I just straight up don't get sick hmm like I I would wake up sometimes feel bad I'd be like oh I got to get up because I feel bad I sigh I I'm gonna oversleep and I would just get sick every now and then mm-hmm if I get and I'm talking about nine hours of sleep there's no way there's no way I'll get sick mmm no way and if I miss if I gotta get on an early flight and I got to go to perform and then I can't sleep with some water and then I'll get sick sleep is the number one thing for me it's well sleep is I think we under values yes world sleeping is good for everything by the way your that we have to sleep for so long it sucks we had JB different brains I know but we got it bud bud do we own but but it's like but ok and we live a long life too compared to other creatures on this planet but don't have to sleep more dogs I definitely got and they don't even have big beautiful brains you know what I'm saying well the thing is no the shredder la Vella the thing is dogs yeah dogs got dogs got but they're just bored by nature like what are they supposed to do yeah yeah no well they were wolves they were what I bet you wolves just when they don't have to eat they just shell they just chill Yeah right yeah wolves are kind of like probably they're kind of like us probably because they're like but hey I'm real hungry this is the dead laddie yes and I will die you know what I mean yeah but yes sleep is a powerful beautiful thing I do think we undervalue it like when you need sleep the most in your life and you're a child mm-hmm and school is so punk dude waking up at 5:00 a.m. as a kid and I've never had such grueling hours of my life as when I was a kid and like middle school high school and it's waivable your for me it's way easier wake up early now right like way easier because you need you need sleep more when you're overworked but I was for real 14 I would have to wake up for school every day I would be like how the am I gonna do this how do people wake up yeah and the truth is you don't not know and now I can I get it it's hard but it's like all right I got a I gotta get on this flight I'm will because you don't want to go to school that's one and I do it too and you're probably super underslept as a kid you don't get enough sleep when you need a limo no way yeah if you want to watch all the shows and eat a cupcake and then you're gas twelve that's the important relay for a kid yeah then you got to wake up at six to go to school you know yeah all my parents used to I let me tell you this dude never was I ever late one time for school never my parents every time they woke me up when I was in high school wake up the alright yeah alright let me just hold on five minutes later wake up you're gonna be late dude I'm not gonna be late I've never been late I've never been late maybe that's why you're gonna be late dude my dad would come in with the washcloth Lord on my face oh my god I've never been late to school why you treat me you know why like a prisoner war because I think I'm gonna do that because you're up and you're the dad you're like my ass is up I'm gonna make you hurt oh dude I'm never gonna do that to my kids I wonder if we could not do that because it what you're saying is so smart like trust him it wasn't late until now all right why don't you say crazy I don't waterboard wake up you yeah I know you're never late so I know you're doing you know what you're doing right right right and I'll tell you what I'll tell you why do it I don't know I tell you what banat your kid later on is gonna be like look what you said once my my my parent one time out dude it used to drive me now is to wake up think I usually got mad I'd be like dick Oh think I'm gonna be late I've never been late I've should've never been late the carpel comes I get in the car pool and I leave and I go there and I'm always there I've never been late I never cut class ever bro I never cut class okay and so one time my dad wasn't home he was not working somewhere and another another state and my mom was she would even come in she would just be like from her room Chris you gotta get up never be like we got mad and she's like oh yeah and I would just be in bed be like yeah and I wasn't and then she was like you gotta be late everybody so I could even get back to sleep and so I got up started the shower and as I was I can't believe what I did this but I started the shower as I started the shower I turned on the the faucet and as the water came out I was like I hope the water coming out is loud enough to drown this out and I said I think I said you really loud my mom and I've never said that before ever and she didn't say anything I took the shower I got a carpet went to school and I got home later and I think my dad was home at that point and my dad was like I can't do anything for a week you're grounded sounds like why he's you you I was like why did I think I was so tired and sleepy that I thought the shower coming out would drown out me screaming you have done all that's that no no when you're like I didn't if I had a kid and they said my mom slow montz yeah she slapped me once I think I called her a bitch or so yeah but I was a little punk and I was like you're a bitch and she slapped the out of me is the only time I spoke like that I knew it the moment the words left my mouth yeah yeah I know I was like you bit it started moving in slow-mo she didn't miss a beat man made that letter so scary I never even know your dad would get murdered women would dare that's like to even try your dad would bury you yes Wow can't even think it he wouldn't know see that's amazing how do you get that way well you really know yeah yeah yeah cuz I want to be but I'll tell you my parents didn't give me too much they gave me a lot of freedom and I was always late I skipped class really all that really but I mean I was fine I got into college you know that's the thing though like when I wasn't gonna do it your own way right when I would have I knew my boundaries I was late and tardy and I was 18 so I kept my own oh right right right I knew the boundaries I didn't get kicked out or anything yeah because my when I was my like they would I totally lost my train of thought my boundaries I don't know my I don't know I don't know what else well they gave me all the freedom they gave me lots of you my own day but let me show you this then okay yeah close stop coughing stop coughing I'm sorry that's okay what what this is a bathroom where the stall is basically like frosted glass you can see the silhouette of a dude what it is a black guy it's way worse because you have the whole back for his white but also homie next one with his dick out you could see no right Wow oh yeah I'm sure I even think about that yeah did that's so it'll be funny if there's a glory hole and you can see the guy's face this is like the saddest looking is that dude the world is great there's everything in the world do you understand there's this there's everything I never thought of this possibly existing yeah I know that's what I'm saying you even think about this and it's there do you think this guy do you think this guy when you went to on this toilet realize what he was knowing or did he just have he didn't really been he realized you know why because he's faced that way oh my God he's not faced the right he's sitting when I went he knows wait he's in a yes way that way here's the other thing - yeah I if I walked in and I saw that and I just I would out loud say well this what the you're gonna you're gonna have to see me you have to see me you gotta say how does sitting a little in an angle on the toilet oh yeah she's consciously yeah yeah and not to say that guy you know it's funny to like this is expensive to do comparative yeah that's the rule like the premium upgrade where do you think this is I know where this is a hundred percent there's no way this is not in the dominican republic manic in reverse no way first of all I feel shorts yeah that's a bit minikin Republican who would drop extra cash on there no no I won't think dominican republic would do that to be honest I was gonna feel like an airport in Miami yeah cuz it's like funky I could see that being an airport because they try to design it's so cruel like you're already king in an airport which sucks I did that the other I did that the other day yeah I've no IV zero qualms about using going to about them in any bathroom I don't care II don't care really do you put the paper down only when it's completely necessary are always missus do not wipe down to see it if there's yeah yeah I always a little once over yeah if it looks clean nah oh my gangster bro that's gangster I'm not I'm not I know that's a gangster I'm not I'm not you don't give me extra to do what I gotta do you know I'm so crazy about it yeah even if I go to a friend's house yeah I put that's too much that's crazy yeah that's yeah you put TP down mm-hmm yeah I did some research apparently you can't really contract anything from a toilet seat yeah also you're just putting your legs on it it's just your thighs yeah yeah but also I don't want a stranger peeing on my thighs do you know but that's why if there's piss on it I'll wipe it down you know but also you want I have a routine okay I'd like to hear when I go in a public bathroom so first of all the toilet seat covers are terrific first I wipe it down with that because the toilet paper it absorbs so much liquid you're gonna get pee in your hands you have to get a bunch of it yeah and then when you put it in the water and then when you put in the water it dissolves but the trick is you want enough in the toilet so that when you it doesn't splash on your ass because let's face it sitting on an empty seat may be gangster but getting water splashed on your ass in a public toilet seat I don't know what that is but it's not gangster so you take you take a bunch to the toilet seat covers and you put them in the toilet so that it's questions Wow driver taking this but I'm telling you it's you can't do without it it cushions the and you will never get splashed so you don't need that many three four five six seven eight no I'm kidding not that man just enough to be wasteful and so you need to create an inn and then I think that's really important key you know I put only get slashed a thing down if it's necessary if I get splashed I go like this I I literally go like I literally go like this I do that and and then my my dick sometimes hits the the bone I go what am I gonna do what are we gonna do oh my god I like that what am I gonna do and I'm fine and I'm fine I know I don't I don't have weird diseases I'm fine and and it sucks but it's fine and here's the thing I was I want to go do it I don't know where the we were my opener never will never use if he is it he'll he'll be like oh I guess I'm gonna my pants you know I'm like a crazy boy what a toilet is there I don't care right yeah so so I went and I was waiting because there was a line and this guy I counted flushed 13 times before me and I don't know what the he was doing cuz standing up he was standing up oh yeah so he was done and I was just gay okay what here's the other thing too I can't stand when when you're in the bathroom and you're doing whatever you got to do in there mm-hm and someone and and it once is fine because they don't know if it and then again shithole bathroom as long as I need to I walked out once I walked out once she I opened up the door and there was a lady and I said hey what you think I'm doing and maybe I don't know one time this is great how's that a coffee bean and I was and I was doing it I was going to bathroom number two did that's brave bro at a coffee bean my tea I don't think I could do that unless I was having diarrhea yeah I even kind to have to go yeah yeah yeah I know I'm serious doing what I do think that if you could get past the stigma it would be very freeing it is dropping really anyway when I come here do I give you not good do I not give a good advice you do good you know the Metamucil changed my life yeah the metaphor sounds amazing all right well you you have a good track rack so so so so so I was doing this in the coffee bean and and the handle of the coffee bean I know here's how gangster I am by the way it's broken well it's it's broken and I know it's broken and here on yellow there's a lock but I know you can open it anyway okay so it's like a fit it's not a good so so I this is how I think this is how I think in my brain oh this is the kind of guy I am in all honesty I think ok it's broken I have to take a you coffee bean this is how we're doing it okay I'm gonna do it if someone walks in I will not be embarrassed because you don't imagine it someone's box at Chris D'Elia [Laughter] so I'm like all right coughing this is a gimme 104 complaint that people don't see me in your staff they gotta fix that this is a people can see me in your establishment okay and and you're gonna deal with it because I'm not I am NOT if you know what it's like it's like when somebody goes when somebody goes to you hey what's up good to see you hey you don't remember my name huh you trying to make me feel awkward I look at you and I say no yeah no dude I don't remember you you're not gonna make me feel bad about this okay you be more memorable right so I'm taking this the locks wrong and I'm just waiting dude I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna do it any longer than I need to but I'm sitting I'm waiting and all of a sudden King King and I'm like all right here we go all right well that person just realize this locks with someone's in here obviously okay then again good good good and I'm like all right oh hey dude all right I I mean you're as long as a it's locked obviously third time could go and I'm like and I'm and I sit up and I wait and I head up and there's no stall or anything it's just and I'm at the door and I'm not you know and I'm waiting do tonight and I can't wait to I can't wait and I can't wait to and I'm all perched up and I'm and I'm waiting kicking kicking and it opens it breaks and they open it up bro she's 12 oh no that was my mine mine the worst-case scenario she's a 12 year old girl yeah and I'm sitting there and I go that was fine no I wanted it to be a 45 year old white male or some yeah that's the worst you know in this case I have in my head the whole plan of how I'm gonna catch the door well just panic of it no no because I'm so paranoid that someone will see me yeah in there that I have to like I even like almost like practice in my head then oh like that come here like what could I possibly be doing there bro one time one time I had to go so bad this is at the counter there's a burger place over the fact of this guy's you know you can't read his face we could see shame yeah so one time I had to go to the counter I don't mean to monopolize the stories but I've had nothing oh here's the other thing I do too here's the other thing I do too if there's a man if there's a man a I'm a male and then a female and the male's locked and the females open I identify as a female I go in I don't get I don't care I don't care I'm with you so I go in but I walk in and it's it's one with stalls and and and things and it's like a multiple one on my car great if I can't lock it but I am in trouble I have to go feels like there's nothing I could do I have to go in the female one I'm gonna go in the stall I'm gonna hide you know I'm not gonna look obviously I'm just I just I need to get my business done so I'm there and the door opens and I'm like well of course it's a female mmm like and she says hey did anyone see a guy come in here and I'm like I'm like thank God I'm already on the toilet because I would have my pants on my own no cuz I know I'm doing I'm doing something that's not on my coat I'm doing something wrong I feel bad right I don't want to be a perv but I had to go so bad right so and then I'm like what I was like should I go should I go in my head I'm like should I go what but I'm like that's ridiculous you know I just said what she walks a little further and I see her and then I see you know how like when the door closes there's like that much yeah yeah dude I make straight-up high contact with her with one eye and she's looking at and she says so I say what she says did anyone see an iPhone in here and I swear to God I misheard her wait why she looking for your song and I looked at her and I said I said no I thought you said did anyone see a guy come in here and she said I thought you know I have a story that sticks out to me at this office oh really I'm in there taking a dump I should here all the time but I have a bucket of baby wipes that I actually take with me to the bathroom enough and so I'm doing that I'm taking care of my vid like to take my time on the John I mean to make sure it's all clean and good to go even with Metamucil it hasn't been set the aid to me I still wipe yeah sometimes more than others yeah I'm in the bathroom I'm taking I'm doing my business so two older gentlemen walk in and they're talking about golf and you know whatever old people talk about you know one guy goes to take a piss one guy goes to take a they're talking about golf the conversation doesn't miss a beat first of all the guys taking a math like a really noisy blocks the gas just blowing ass and I'm in there kind of giggling because he's just he doesn't miss a beat with his homie nobody acknowledges that the dude is blowing chunks I don't like trumpeting and they don't miss a beat now here's where it gets interesting dude from the urinal is done and dude in the is done at the same time no wiping no nothing in there the dude blasted ass a crazy and was done at the same time as his home who was peeing homie who was peeing goes and washes hands and the homie who walks out with the guy who peed without washing his hands and I'm in there horrified like listening like daredevil with my Doppler hearing but understand you can understand so he blasted ass didn't miss a beat didn't wash his hands and and exited the bathroom quicker even because he didn't wash in the same time as his homie peed without missing a beat of the conversation and his friend didn't say he's you know what I'm saying very weird that's like the beginning of an x-files show you're like how did this happen yeah cue the music you need to get mold or what that's weird but like these guys I mean how do you continue even being friends with somebody after that the only way I can continue beef no white buddy after that is okay we're like so like yeah I don't wipe that I'll be like woah alright I got a chill with this guy yeah but then you've got me but this save this day yeah I mean you get on your hands sometimes it happens well no let me tell you something some we all have on our hand right now okay boys you know and stop with this stop with this bat stop trying to do sometimes you get on your hand I understand but shits the clunkers like a chocolate yeah he didn't even wife well that's true well that's a fair point well he didn't look that's kind of an interesting thing he's like look I'd rather have it on my ass hold my hands cause it's gross but then you get all itchy oh no it's like you've got a white dude yeah you got away you cannot wipe even if it's a clean one you got away and then his age and the way he blasted ask me blackballed did you can't even move mobility issue he just comes home with the shitty ass I guess it could happen at a certain age where you're like it I'm gonna die in probably five years I'm not wasting my precious moments on this earth wiping my ass that's it there you go see that's gangster Chris if you want to know what gangsters in the bathroom it's not wiping your ass or cleaning your hand I agree with dr. okay well we got more stuff to watch here you I know have been taking on tick tock oh man and I've got some great tick tock so I want to watch it's so funny that app like it's so some of that well all of them really are so bad well Christina yeah has been she just wrote me she was like yeah I want to get you on and talk about tick tock what uh what does she do I didn't know I don't know he just reposts on Instagram really cringey ones but she finds ones like really crazy really old people yeah you notice that yeah I saw some like and these are all people that probably don't even know how to use their email right and how the are they managing it tick tock I don't know it's hard for me to do I was like I did exactly yeah so it's a whole phenomenon I and I will and I feel bad saying goodbye to our shooting friend here but it's time to X him out and bring up the tick tock how did you discover tick tock you spend a lot of time on there I I would see it on Instagram and I feel like what the is this just I would I would be like it was like the crowning moment of the apps where it went too far on the frame I was like like like even vine when I did vine it was like I felt like I was making fun of vine when I was doing mine but there's no but tick-tock there's no self-aware there's no self-awareness right people are just like doing like like like guys yeah I mean like they're doing like growls like real growls that's perfect yeah I don't understand the phenomena and I and I feel like tick tock is its own self-contained community like people on tick tock don't know anyone on YouTube for exams and well well that's definitely true but like I don't know I I guess I maybe it's one of those things where I'm officially old because I just make sure you re I got to pause the music cuz if I play this our whole podcast will get claimed oh okay then what do you do so I'm just gonna mute the music and oh it's all really generic stupid you get you off or you say no no it's it's okay it's just I feel like I'm cause I don't I don't get it I don't get I I don't get I don't like these people are gonna grow up right and still and see this and be like oh god what do you think about that like I'm so thankful that the internet wasn't around when I was a kid I think we probably we're almost the same age I feel like we I think I feel like the first iPhone came out when I was in college yeah we hold you I just turned 34 oh so you're nine so yeah I think I'm lucky when I would like any later or or you know like better than that really maybe like late 20s is okay but like there's if you're 20 now you you have some on oh yeah because everything you do back then is embarrassed yeah save that for life so here is these are some deep cuts like kind of in the vein of what I was talking about so this is a woman holding a box filled with her husband's ashes on tik-tok and doing a song and it's something like uh jump to something about how and God see I can't play the music she's dancing to them to the song but it's our husband's cremated ashes oh my god but she's got some slick zooms and edits and I just don't understand how they'd figure it out yeah oh wait so does she or is it part of that I actually have never used you know I don't know I've only don't like four of them you're so pretty crazy I don't do that automatic so it's something like you can shoot it to where they stay slow down the song so when you're recording it you're doing it slow that's how they get that that's not that's honestly how they do a lot of the the Eminem videos they would all be like did what I did and the old ones you know how he's always like yeah that's how they get that and Hornby's do it too whether people are let you don't I mean did they play the song for you slowed yeah really yeah because that's how they make that so I must feel really awkward when you're doing it so yeah first time yeah but uh so they so that's what that is but then you can go in afterwards and like put effects in okay um I don't know if you can zoom afterwards or what like I don't know how she's doing it there must be like a I think there's a hands-free mode or I don't know how you cut it after that he's a high-level tape talker really and so this is her with her husband's ashes oh we give love and whatever however you grieve I guess and so here's one see this one I really wish I had the music my favorite ones are the ones of the guys that think they're sexy there aren't any better than that when the guys in their place like furries and you know yeah yeah yeah you know I mean would they do lip stuff so there's actually a whole sub-genre of tick-tocks of divorced tic TOCs there's like divorced on us a divorce yes what does that mean well here I'll give you an example like here's a dude a cop who's on duty by the way this guy's sworn to protect and serve and homie is making a tik-tok with a rain cloud over his wedding band how many times can I forgive the cheating this is the fourth and he taped there's there's you know like badass country music playing and he takes off his wedding band epic you know what MLG Edith so that's why promise you there's a honor them and there he's not he's not taking the piss he's not joking no this guy's for real I swear to you I cop I know man did if anyone ever like if you ever run across like blue lives matter people like oh called you know show him this do you know what happens after you make this video you know what happens the fifth time that's right that's all you that's who gets cheated on yeah she was cheating on him because he would be the guy who does that right that's true I mean that's that's self-fulfilling there's so many of them but they're all kind of had a whole list but it gets repetitive but it's just a bunch of dudes taking off their wedding band and being music I swear all right well let's all look up a bunch let me pull up cuz I want to prove it yeah yeah hold on it's in it's in your document right damn yeah there's a whole thing with her thread about the divorce ticks up right here and it was the first time I felt like wow I'm getting old yeah yeah yeah you're younger than I how old are you I'm 31 oh yeah yeah and I because I just feel so out of it I have no idea what's going on I mean do they make me when I do talk to them because when you're making fun of it man I it's for me dude I laugh so hard at the so is make sure the audio is off Dan because it's still cream hot it's not positive positive come on you gotta turn the music up so now we just we just my whole life just got ruined for playing two seconds of news still playing it there you go are we good do you have a way of muting the sound without muting us I can't hear that Dan can I hear you know yeah okay hold down your laptop okay here you know yeah wait so wait I can only mute it on my laptop no we muted it back here okay I love that you play to seven two seconds yes and they claimed the whole to our podcast but here so this person wild milk basically made a whole right up these are all on ironic tick-tock so just to kind of show your honor okay oh come on Dan what's going on here I'm trying to run a business we have it all turned down back here I don't know man just hit you but now your video you have where's the sound coming from them here because it always plays it though all right homie just um G just made a couple thousand bucks but you got a little taste of the music yeah so that's why I mean but they get real repetitive I know but I'd still like to see every single one okay like this guy's got it man he showed a picture of him and his wife he Flo oh wow got it man that's bro that's sad on so many levels well this is well this one is just straight-up pathetic hold on hold on what you say every Anna I don't know what to do how do i how do i fix this issue berry niggers together your funnel gets divorced yeah but I've been devoid of yours I can't mute it you're right there yeah but but then when you go to the next one it's not muted and if I turn this down I can't hear Dan yeah just turn it down for now why can't you keep your being but see if I turn this down the audience still here though just just Mewtwo each one just meet each one oh I'll remember say when you meet okay yeah all right divorced so this guy's been divorced for five 13 years of marriage 27 years together three wonderful kids divorced almost five years now this is a tick tock a public tick tock and he opens the card my heart still only sees you it was like the most ghetto look at this is Bart against me that's the part that really gets me do my god that's sad and that's what music playing yeah I see okay if I don't touch it oh okay then I guess the sound will play but it's you're almost doomed because you don't have a chance to unmute it oh oh it's just an empty house she moved out but there's like triumphant music playing oh this one's got divorce papers with their wedding bands without the divorce filing come on with her rings on it and hearts the music really adds the law so flip the pages quicker Oh black and white of course so uh look at that guy he's taking his ring off yeah I'm really hoping that like their next lot your wife will see you this and feel bad for them because it's like Chris said there's a lot of dudes who are I don't know why because I would assume there's just a little girl so unless these guys are trying to little girls I don't really understand the vibe I mean look there's 19 million people who follow tick-tock on Instagram well if 90 million people are falling tick-tock on Instagram it's not yeah so anyway you get the idea this but what is that what is on the right Oh what the oh yeah you can do this - I don't know about it but oh he's proposed rising on tick tock tick tock you guys why are you so involved with tick tock I swear to god that guy doesn't know how to check his can that aol.com email address Wow oh yeah so this guy's proposing on a split screen tick-tock Wow man who could have predicted the way all the grandmas down you see that made you see that no them they've been down a lot lately gotta get this together mmm but I've got more it gets better I'm going down the depressing rabbit hole no oh speaking of guys being sexy here's one that I that I think you'll really enjoy okay okay so there's like really bad it's like it says fat gross fat girl shot Dom he's getting blasted it goes with the meal oh yeah he's getting shot oh really you think I'm ugly well you bitch oh yeah that's that's a that's a very good I know though I know that you know he ended up put his hand to the camera and then when he took it away he looked like a ha seed with the fedora looks like a good character see if I play it it's gonna play sound oh no it's muted what's the movie that I just saw where he looks like the guy he's getting blasted really bitch you haven't seen me in like the bearded chub yeah I did want it I did I got to do one of those tic TOCs I got it do one of those two key on it see I don't wanna have to dress up in it's okay this is my all-time favorite tick tock and it's not funny oh and there's no music okay I mean it's got a it's got all the twists and turns you would expect from great literature to be honest so why do I have not have sound now hold on let me unmute everything so why is that Wow yeah and why do I need one there what's going on tick tock is here to ruin my life okay so am I supposed to have sound and no my shit's all on we're all turned up back here you sure that video has audio what is going on yeah it definitely has audio I mean she's talking me lips are moving I've before so what happened why did the audio just come back on we just ran through everything again okay I know this is not interesting but it's it's fun for me you guys know how I wear my hair I might look like Little Orphan Annie by the time this is all done but I wanted to give it a try might have to I think these might be too big for on top wow it's almost dry anyhow if it doesn't work I could just wash it out and try turning curlers another way anyhow this is fun for me it doesn't take much for me to have fun with myself and I wish there was people here I would have my husband do something for lunch I would take you all out to lunch and we would just laugh and have a great time anyhow I'll see if I could save this no I'm not gonna save it to a draft oh I would just maybe I don't try okay oh my god why not like the single tragic video however yeah Wow that's odd huh I'm laughing just because you know how to process yes it's a lot because I was well I was watching that first time yeah but then it's go so sad then I see the thing that was tweeting the other day that was kind of it was on yesterday it was the game show Beat Shazam and the thing that and the thing I had that and the guy at the end wait you know I was just looking at Shazam where is that here it is you know did you see this yeah you saw this from your okay I watched the whole end man and I was like yeah this is okay you might want them for the beginning because the music but does it matter if it's what is going on with this clip man it's okay I think we're good here I don't know where that music came from from the very beginning it's it's from a commercial yeah you gotta watch till the end there's this guy I don't know the premise of this game show but I'm assuming it's this song before Shazam congestus song Oh whoo Shazam a robot oh it's an ass oh this is sponsored by Shazam oh that's pretty good fun concept yes my first heard it I don't know I would be very bad at this thing so homie just one 206 lat that's a huge bummer so you saw this right see I saw and I washed all the way there and wondering what the yeah what's going on here kid this is such a twist man we won the game show's over everyone's happy right at the ending super app they trap you in a storybook and then well they got ya so close credit dedication how do you dedicate his own episode to him Emma just just don't tell us he died or don't air the episode right right well it's not I think he aired it's nice cuz he crushed it and under she just say we didn't have to pay him oh that mmm do you think they paid his his family I go sprawling probably yeah I love that they dedicated his own episode to him mm-hmm that's like the cottage you dedicating this podcast to me if you die on your way home or even now it's like obviously it's dedicated to you you know you can't dedicate we dedicate the crystally episode to Krystal you know it's dedicated yeah yeah that was great why does what all the game shows happening lately so many I don't know I well there was a boom when like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire started and then I don't know I just kind of kept going and go on I've done a few recently oh you've been on yeah I didn't there yet I did the Anthony Anderson one and I did the other one did you crush I don't know no I didn't do well on the Anthony Anderson one and then I did another one were you playing for money or charity I never played for money it must've been charity or oh you know you know what I did I was like - they have like celebrity judges or like helpers or something I did one with what was the one Alec Baldwin alright I haven't watched that but I've seen the thumbnail whatever it is called I did that that's cool I like Alec yeah that's good I've noticed that on game shows there's a pyramid dan said is that it no that's not it but what one of them was called to tell the truth I think that's the entity Anthony Anderson one there's this new thing like there's this show where they'll have a celebrity pop in who has nothing to do with it like what's the one with uh you know I didn't know what I'm talking about let's move on all right okay I get it man you know sometimes you just like what the [Music] [Laughter] it's been an hour and a half it asked Jesus all right I have a lot more so it's really up to you I mean we got two more two more yeah cuz I've got have you been following a J on Twitter hello Twitter world hello it's yours truly weirdo he probably been anyone Wow alright Twitter world the crazy the crazy thing about og is that like he's always golfing he's always on vacation he's always got a cigar like he didn't murder two people that like he's still just an anomaly and he's living the life he posted one recently that I thought was pretty good we can wash together yeah he goes never too old to learn he's always like on a 90s sitcom set and he always recorded like hey it's me oj the world this is me yours truly you know in the last 48 hours I've learned that you're never too old to learn two days ago was my birthday and I got hacked at my computer well I probably got more duped than that nobody was said no knife emojis they're my minions for me my bank alerted me that there was a charge to coming in from Europe in Euros and they didn't get imagine being that employee at the bank hi is this Oh Jason I really didn't lose anything except some time and stuff but the problem was I was traveling the next day which was yesterday and I had to get some cash for my friends I think I was in good shape companies in America that will not the American dollar for goods or services really I mean at one point I couldn't even buy a bottle of water you know III just thought well when did the American dollar get usurped I grew up they said cash was king I guess not has been relegated to a Duke or an earl in any event I know there's a lot of Americans that don't have credit cards and I just didn't think it was right right now just rolling the roll J stabbed you help me make a jack-o-lantern could you teach me how to deal with a grateful wife who's cheating on me did anyone else notice how he starts off with a little laugh like watch this well will you be murdering any more people in cold blood I mean it's it's great it doesn't disappoint live like that well you killed look at that one that's funny click on that one how to get away with murder oh wow that's awesome hey OH J my girlfriend are having some relationship problems got any advice on how to deal with her yeah it's oh let's not show that me why is that not censored out mm-hmm YouTube's like or Twitter hate what a water don't care whoopsie-daisy let me know if you got to take on let's see we got Oh Jay we got our Kelly goes to prison for sex trafficking forget wait he did oh well he's being tried oh yeah yeah have you seen they're happy to you have your passports clip oh you watch talk to me yeah so he's getting his passports revoked oh so he does not he no longer has his passports there you know so they are using probably this song is proof yeah they may show that in court I don't judge that just like mr. Kelly can you explain this yeah do you have your passport we're revoking your passport Jason Momoa said he says name to that body shamed our tweeted that I went yeah nuts but yeah that's not a dad bod he's jacked yeah let me let me post this picture this is the picture you know I don't know if you follow this people are saying that he's let himself go do you have any concept like he is fully jacked he would crush my skull with his hand you know people are clowning on him like Oh where'd your six-pack go dude someone's got their dad working on their dad bod it's like he will yeah no that's not a that's not a dad bod that's just kind of a good bod yeah yeah I mean he so the difference is is that he I think on set you do all this crazy work right I get you all the blind he was very very shredded and Aquaman yeah so he probably he's all dehydrated and does all this crazy but he's just as jacked big yeah he's big yeah what did you say on Twitter on Twitter world said something like I can't remember bro he would steal all your girls he'll literally steal you too he you he would make love to you and you're straight off with that dadbod shed my brother said my body is better period end of sentence under tweet right there what's he do I didn't know you had a brother yeah he's a director I'm gonna write he's a cowboy yeah he's a cowboy he's just got actually his Park House just came out yesterday oh good yeah what's it called Matt D'Elia is confused well there you have it have a listen um Scarlett you know this is all a bunch of we're done okay a long time boo bye Oh actually I do have the the bagel boss oh yeah I have a there's like a whole ongoing saga with that it's weird to me what goes real viral and what doesn't like that was like dumb but the fact that that was viral for more than a day shocks me I think it's because they're keping developments well they kept finding them on the street and he would say more I said hello character dude he definitely is like he's been on Howard Stern he's gonna join the wack pack was that oh you don't listen to Howard Stern I guess he's got like a little pack of weirdos but I love I mean the Concord it's so good just like taking out all we got daddy issues for sure yeah the guy next to him is only five foot eight okay but the guy why did this guy oh yeah it's so over-the-top I mean he's sold that this guy had like the one chance in his life to feel like a badass well if I was gonna fight anyone I would fight him cuz I'm like odds are in my favor yeah but this guy likewise fungi lats laughs everyone's having a good time yeah he wasn't gonna do anything what do you thought this guy was a threat this guy got all courageous he's like I could take this poor man bail for me and then the bagel guy got in he was like if you come into the bagel store mention this you get a free bagel yeah but I heard that was no there's a tweet right Dan oh really oh oh if you mention it oh if you come in and mention oh wow that you saw the video you get a free bagel there's a second video here if you want to know what happened next I know if you saw this I did yeah so he got back up I love that he got back up and kept going fantastic powerful ok bagel boss yeah once you they don't make this easy on me do that I'm clicking you can hear oh you're okay maybe it's a sign yeah yeah yeah he got back up well dude when you know if it's a not how hard you fall down is how quickly you get right right that was me oh he was hungry too you can see here because he throws the bagel at him and then he goes back and picks it up I wonder what happened he went home and ate a bagel no before all nothing the girl was laughing at him it seems like and he took it the wrong way [Music] this guy just wants him not he is very sure you know some chick probably said shrimp look it's probably tough to be that height yeah oh yeah nicely don't but he is being asshole of course I mean maybe not gonna increase his chances of yeah yeah yeah yeah well actually now that he's virally probably he thinks someone's gonna him now definitely good for him you know but my favorite part of this is that he throws the bagel and there's like actually I do want the big I go back and get the bagel there was no resolution no on it the bagel yeah if this goes on and I that's about it you know we had a good run here we cover a lot of ground good we discussed a lot of things favored for coming yeah I know you're busy guys are now this guy's gonna be worth 100 million dollars okay go to crystal e.com / tour get some tickets keep your eyes on Netflix because we got a new special coming out and a new movie coming out and what's the title of the movie does that public army of the Dead army of the Dead Wow exciting times cool good times to be Chris D'Elia keep your eyes out yeah thanks guys thank you guys for watching we will be back this Friday with another episode you will not want to miss this one thank you to all my food / troopers out there and shout out to um G who's gonna claim this whole podcast for our two seconds they accidentally played music so so thank you everybody see you next [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 1,064,446

Rating: 4.8660746 out of 5

Keywords: h3 podcast, h3h3 podcast, h3h3, h3h3productions, h3, ethan klein, hila klein, ethan and hila, ethan & hila, chris d'elia, d'elia, chris delia, delia

Id: tWBLVHqEHxM

Length: 99min 52sec (5992 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 16 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/teamsteve]

Someone please tell Ethan that he can right click on the chrome tab and click "Mute site" to stop any videos on that site from making any noise

[u/dennies180]

God dam, Ethan broke a record for interrupting your guest

[u/Jhonopolis]

D'Elia is so sick wid it.

[u/dimitrov1]

S'blessed

[u/tjekk83]

Ethan: welcome to my podcast!

Chris: thank y....

Ethan interupting: so let me tell you about my childhood!

Chris: i lost my train of thoughts

[u/cicadaenthusiat]

Today I realized I'm a true Hila Kleiner. I like Ethan but Hila makes the show for me.

[u/HellmutLang]

babies and hila kleiner’s unite!

[u/Darigaz44]

Ethan needs to learn to not interrupt his guests the whole time. It’s so annoying.

[u/BloodyRedBarbara]

Haven't listened yet but I guess Chris must really like Ethan & Hila.