Hey, I'm Andrew Hales and this video is brought to you by better help. In this video we discuss bipolar disorder and the effects it has on all aspects of life many of you might relate to my guest today whether with depression or anxiety or any mental illness and you might find it difficult to get help Depression or anxiety or any mental illness and might find it difficult to get help. I myself have dealt with depression. It can definitely be Tricky finding help let alone getting out of bed so that's why I partnered with better help for this video finding a therapist making an appointment and leaving your home to meet a Stranger, it's not easy. It's also very expensive running $150 to $300 a session better help makes getting therapy easy by allowing you to connect with a professional therapist anywhere and anytime you need it you Can use messaging video chat or phone calls modern therapy. That's built around your schedule you can even switch therapists anytime to match with the right therapist and Best of all, it only cost an average of 65 dollars per week So if you think better help can be a benefit to you Please click on my link in the description box and get started today. Okay. Thank you. Here's the video Hi, I'm Andrew Hales. Welcome to another edition of chatting with I'm here with Paloma You You have bipolar disorder Yes, okay. When were you diagnosed? um I was diagnosed February of 2016 which was about a year and a half after I started showing symptoms of mania and depression and I was diagnosed at that time with bipolar one PTSD and anxiety with OCD and intrusive thoughts. It's kind of just However you um I was oh my gosh, how old I was I 21 no, I must be twenty-two. What what triggered it like, why did you do were just feeling shitty? I went to the doctor I'm sick. Um, no, so I Well, it started kind of happening around 19 I started feeling really depressed but I wasn't Really taking it. Seriously. I guess I feel like a lot of us can feel Sad and like we can't get out of bed, but I think that you know society kind of tells us Oh, you're just lazy. You're just being sad. Very gray Yeah, and so it's one of those things that you can really do mean it within your own self and be like, okay You know, I shouldn't tell anyone. I'll just act like I'm fine and so yeah, so I started feeling really depressed when I was 19 and basically bipolar disorder can be triggered by Certain events. And so it's like if you experience something traumatic at that time when you're in at all It usually comes up between late teens and early to mid-20s. Mm-hmm so you can experience something traumatic or it can be some trauma from childhood that is triggered as an adult and or it can just be like just randomly start it can just from stress or Not sleeping. So it's like up and down Like really extreme moods. Yes No, yeah So basically there's different kinds so bipolar one is when you have that extremity in both realms of mania and depression And it's just it's a mood disorder. So you feel really high and they feel really low, right? Yeah, and then there's bipolar too which is where you have Depression and it can be extreme depression and hypomania, which is a milder form of mania So that's kind of like the euphoric feeling that people experience. What kind you have bipolar one? Okay, and I have that with rapid cycling which basically means that you will for me personally I Had it where you know, I had a few weeks mean man And then I had a few weeks depressed and then it got into the realms of a few days Manic a few days depressed and then even within a day I would feel mania and depression so it can get it can you know be a few months here and there or It can be every day you feel that so and you're on medication now. Yes, and that make that controls it Yes, so you don't having too many ups and downs No, I actually I haven't had an episode for a year and a half So that's been really nice an episode of depressive or mania you mean either? Okay, yeah or correction Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I have that a lot of people probably do everyone like ups and down to normal so What why do you think yours were more severe than others? Definitely. Um, well, yeah, I feel like a lot of people can relate to Depression and kind of understand that like loss of interest in activities You know, you can't get out of bed. You can't go to work stuff like that And obviously it goes to the realms of self-harm and suicidal thoughts and so for me I was very much going to the extremes in both realms where I did have suicidal thoughts and at the same time, you know, I'd have that for a few weeks and then for another few weeks, I'd feel manic and it's interesting because in both realms of hypomania, which is mild mania and then in what they call full-blown mania You're feeling definitely different than normal How I I mean, I definitely didn't diagnose myself I went into the doctors and explained everything and and he gave the diagnosis. But basically I went into full-blown mania which is such a No one is a interesting thing but kind of wild thing. Well, yeah, I hear it feels good Oh - Oh Mia, which is the euphoric feeling you haven't felt that oh I did at first and then it went into Oh, yeah, I loved it. I sure Yeah, you feel like you can conquer the world. Yeah. I know it's that's that's what's so interesting. Is that some people Don't even kind of want to or they may not even know something's wrong because they just may be feeling and it feels so natural To you at the time like I'm just feeling great. I'm on top of the world and life through the party I just got a good night's sleep or something. Yeah And so I feel like with full-blown anemia the difference in that is that you just It's like oh well, I guess how I can describe it I mean, I obviously I don't know if everyone's taking drugs, but basically, you know how they explain it Is that hypomania and mild mania is very much you take like the perfect drug, you know That just makes you feel great And then how I can describe full-blown mania for myself is? As if someone's just like force feeding you a handful of drugs and you have no idea how you're gonna feel Because I would feel I mean my heart would be racing. I would actually like pass out like faint because it was so intense um, you just feel I would basically Be pacing back and forth my room and I would think it's 20 minutes and I've been like three hours you're just it's My mind would race so fast that I wouldn't even be able to talk properly because it would just be too intense so it's just such a wild feeling and it's very hard to explain but the fact that it really Makes you so you're not able to do anything You know kind of similar to depression how you can't do anything you had friends witness this Yeah, they would they would tell you like you're being really weird or now Yeah, I mean at the time I didn't I didn't have many friends but But I did have my girlfriend my current girlfriend she Saw me and usually I would just like knowing that That there was something wrong with me not in Oceania was mania I would just lock myself in my room and be like I can't interact with anyone socially, but she saw me one time when? Was manic and she's just like are you okay because I would be talking super fast. I wouldn't be making sense I told her you know, my heart's beating so fast, like I think I mean II might need to go to the hospital Which can actually happen in mania where you have to be hospitalized. Mm so so yeah, so definitely but after she noticed I was like Okay, never never being around her again like that because I don't want her to think there's anything wrong with me. Yes often something We're scared of people being like there's something wrong with you and not wanting to be close to you in any way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah You said? Have you been hospitalized? No, okay I haven't kind of had a choice like because because I just I definitely felt like I needed to on several occasions With depression in with the mania, but it's very much You know, I was working full-time going to school full-time and I was very worried You know if I go to the hospital if they put me in the mental hospital and then If I'm gonna get let go from work or you know It's just it's very scary or and I can make money which I need to make so it's one of those things around is like, you know, tough it through just get through it, but You came to the doctor and you're like I'm having these weird episodes these whatever and he's just like yeah you Did he have you take a quiz or how did the diagnosis happen? Yeah, definitely with him. It was really great He's a really great psychiatrist Unfortunately, some aren't so some for example we'll have you in for a few minutes and say and you just say Oh I I feel this this and that and then they mark you as like six different things and give you six or prescriptions Which is so unhealthy? For mine, I was very lucky and he really took the time I explained to him like, you know past trauma and stuff like that and he really tried to understand what it was and obviously he does have a degree in it and everything and so it was very much a few sessions and Yeah, what was the past trauma? You don't want to share Yeah might be too long of a story but it's fine No, um, yes, so well basically in my case it was we stem from childhood trauma Which was brought up as an adult and so it was very much like ongoing abuse from when I was like a toddler to like 13 and then from 14 to 18 I very much Tried to zone it out and disassociate and then when I was 19 I got into an abusive relationship with one of my first girlfriends and That was like physically emotionally Abusive and it was the same as when I was a child and it felt the helplessness I felt so so much helplessness and that triggered that started triggering the depression and then the mania so it was very much, you know What's the what medication are you on? I'm on risperidone, which is actually an anti-psychotic. It sounds so bad I hate nights like such a you know to me respect I do say risperidone what you say risperdal risperidone risperidone Okay And that's specifically for bipolar. Um Well, it's interesting. A lot of people with bipolar. Actually, don't take that It's kind of more specific so to schizophrenic or people who are diagnosed as schizophrenic basically will take I don't know not sure the exact milligram but they take a higher milligram than I take and And basically under I'm pretty sure it's under one milligram people Diagnosed bipolar will take it and for me personally It's because when I was in the manic mode I would experience like hallucinations as in hearing things and seen shadows It wasn't too much visual hallucinations and also since I experienced intrusive thoughts, which is very much, you know Like when you see a scary movie and you have a scary scene in your head and you can't stop replaying it It's very much that was with intrusive thoughts. You just can't stop it No matter what you do, so that can happen with past trauma that they can keep her plane. So specifically for me but I think that's something that That depending on the person Then lamictal is being mood stabilizer, which is very common for people to use you take So yeah, that one's kind of more like lithium a little bit exactly. Okay. Yeah Or is it lithium? Or I don't even know no, I Always think of Nirvana when I say with him. Yeah. Yeah So my doctor actually prefers lamictal lithium has been something that's been around for a long time But it it can have negative side effects. And also you do have to have blood blood work done I think like every month or every few weeks and so We decided on lumic dole and it's been really great And I think that's the newer one that a lot of people that's so it's just those two for now. Yes Okay, you said you mentioned self-harm? What was that about you you were suicidal? Yes It's not really funny no, I know It's such a it's something where I've gotten to the point where I can talk about obviously like not joke, I guess no You're good. It's great. Yeah. Yeah, and I think there's comfortability with With kind of accepting how things were and so you can not necessarily laugh about it But you know, I mean, it's a good story. Yeah So this is before the diagnosis or during or after what when did that happen Yeah, it was definitely before it was a depressive episode. Yes So basically as the mania got higher the depression got lower as in you know higher depression so basically when I was on my highest and mania that's when I started self-harming Something but I would actually do a lot it was like bruising. I Kind of creates a certain type of pain that I did that since I was younger Since I was a kid, and I think that's something where when you're a kid bruising like Bruising like just hitting something just hitting your arm. Yeah Yeah, usually with like ah, yeah so that's I think it's because I did it as a child that it was very much something ingrained into me and like almost reflex and that's the interesting thing about self-harm is that maybe people don't realize that sometimes that even comes as a Reflex when you're feeling worthless when you're feeling depressed. It can almost be something that just to take the pain away It's like anything hurting yourself felt good um, yeah, it's it's such an interesting thing to To talk about because I feel that I'm sure a lot of people can understand I think a lot of people may not get it but it's basically when you're filled with so much emotional pain To be able to take that away by some type of physical pain it Distracts you completely it distracts you and also when you feel worthless the big thing for me was when I felt so much self-hatred I would just be like I deserve this. I deserve to self-harm I deserve to be harmed and So yes, it's definitely a mix of those things so bipolar and what else? So bipolar PTSD and then anxiety. How often do you go to counseling? Or therapy, yeah, it's all the same I Go to my psychiatrist every few months before it was every three weeks when I was first getting started for about the first year and now yeah, now I only have to go every few months because I do have the medication that I feel is best for me, and at first it was very much kind of trying out different medication, so How many did you try out um about? five Wow Yeah, that was Well, it was interesting because they were each for different things. So I took prazosin which is for PTSD nightmares That like makes you like sleep hella good or It's supposed to So basically, it stops your body from having adrenaline rushes, which is what you experienced during nightmares And so that was really helpful at the time. I feel like that would give me a nightmare. I'm like - comatose or something No, it's very interesting For me it was worth it because I was deliberately not sleeping because my nightmares were so bad And so it did help me but in the morning, I would feel so groggy and I would stand up and almost pass out for weird nightmares as well uhm very much just trauma from my past and kind of it's so interesting because you know, If you've had a nightmare where it feels so real it can be very damaging in the way of you It's it's in a way reliving the trauma So yeah, that's why I wouldn't want to sleep because I just be I would try to sleep two hours a night before I got The medication just because I was like, I really don't want to don't want to fall asleep and dream about that Do you think you'll ever be off medication that's an interesting question Well, I did you know, I'm one looks a pro. Yeah. Yeah. I've been on lexapro over two years just for I Mean social anxiety depression. Yeah, yeah No, I understand that. I have really bad social anxiety. Yeah, so it's like so nervous to be here I mean, yeah, I'm always a little nervous before these two. Yeah Well, it's interesting my my doctor says a goal is to Eventually have patients either get off their medication or at least lessen the dose and so for me personally it's interesting because since I you know have only been on them for You know Year and a half two years or something. I Feel that. I'm so comfortable that I wouldn't really want to mess with it as of now, but I guess it's just something where I'd have to see but it's just so hard to think of kind of going back to Knowing or also. I've had withdrawals when I haven't been able to get my medication on time and they are so painful Still pain. Yeah, like brains - yeah, so so I'm just kind of like I'm good I know that's how I feel. Like I'm like, I'm fine where I am And I it's not too much of a hassle just like everyone's like oh, it's hard to take a pill every day It's like it. Well, you take food every day. It's like it's like it's just one more thing. It's not that big of a deal Takes like literally half a second But Yeah, so you experience some stigma people are just like Oh or like have your parents been like you don't have bipolar or I don't Know Oh completely That's what's really sad is when people do mean it and say oh you don't have depression You don't bipolar you don't have you know any type of mental health issue you're dealing with so yeah when I actually First kind of accepted that I may have mania and depression I wasn't trying to diagnose myself, but it was more. Just okay I'm reading about this in researching and it does kind of fit of it And so I was trying to accept it which is really hard to accept things like that But yeah feel out of control. You don't know what and you don't want to be weak Completely. Yeah, that's definitely part of the stigma and what not with mental illness So yes, so the first person I told they actually were like, oh, no, you're just sad I know the hard part was I thought I could trust them and then when they said that it was like yikes I'm not telling anyone, you know, because the one person I trust can even validate it then it's like who would yeah And then with the stigmas around it, I think bipolar I mean people Misuse it all the time whether in a trying to be professional manner or not It's definitely one of those things where I think it's very much associated with just being crazy and a lot of people think That you can kind of implode at anytime and just have like an episode at any time and go crazy And also something that I've gotten which is very sad is that you're unsafe It's like unsafe to be around you because you kind of explode at any time And so that's that's obviously You know can be very hurtful to people. Have you ever wondered if you're a narcissist. Oh If I did not yet am I yeah, but when I was a kid actually I was very you're a bra No No, I actually definitely exhibited signs of a sociopath to be honest I think I was very cut off I think because of the abuse I had to very much just you're like emo. Oh No, I was actually one of those people who seemed like perfectly fine and then inside had no empathy Which would I I think it was just you know When when you're experiencing that pain it's kind of like you have to pretend as if you is if you don't feel pain well It's like this ongoing thing. And so so I think I just It was it was a very interesting thing But then when I got older, I think I became like too empathetic to the point where I would just you know just I felt like I do I don't want to say that you can even feel too much but maybe in a way and then you know the depression and Mania start happening. So you feel a lot within that especially within the depression What kind of abuse are we talking about? It's it's really up to you oh, I just don't know I don't think so. I mean well, maybe I don't know. It's I mean it's not live so no no I mean, yeah some podcasts do that like h3, I think does alive and yeah. Yeah, that would be scary I know anything live are like terrifying about. Yeah, I've been on TV a few times. It's pretty scary. Yeah Well like back when I did the breaks. Yeah. Wait, I actually I saw the one where you danced Oh my gosh, it's so cringe. I Know like the the producer before was the second Alright, you have to be way more pumped up than how I I'm seeing you now like got me all freaked out I was man. Oh Yeah the doctors Okay, what were you talking about oh, yeah Yeah, if you're I think that's well, yeah, I don't know I'm just curious yeah, um, so basically From when I was like a toddler to like 13, I was actually like used in child pornography So yeah, so that's why it's it's very much. Holy shit Interesting from who like your parents, um from some people very close to my family Like huncles it on some whatnot Oh my gosh And up until 13, how did you like What like what happened was there someone found out and you got out of it and um, no he was very much that it just stopped and I don't like the sounds so sick, but maybe I like aged out of it in a way because a lot of lives in California Couldn't you get them or did you get them arrested? No, because they like threatened if I said anything so it's very like they threaten your life They threaten a lot of things so it's basically and especially as a kid, you know You feel so helpless so even though you know like this is so much pain and all this stuff and that's why I felt very like suicidal as a kid because I was just like I don't Want to experience that you know, oh my gosh That's crazy, but that intern eyes or whatever These people are still out there and you're and you still haven't told on them or whatever That you that you were raised, it's man. That's crazy Yeah, it is quite the way that it was like video or pictures. Yeah Wow yeah, so it's it's very much something that I Didn't even accept until recently It's very much something that you try to just put on just Disassociate completely. Yeah, I can't even comprehend that yeah, so that that's why I like the PTSD nightmares and everything were so rough and then yeah, so but it's really something that I have just been accepting within the past year to be honest because obviously it came up and That's how you know, I knew obviously I had to accept it because of the mania and depression I knew that I had something to do with that But I really haven't accepted it until this past year and I'm still in that process Because it can be very difficult to go back to that and try to I feel from that Yeah, well you seem you seem perfectly normal Holy shit, well, I guess I just met you but no Are you vegan or anything? Well, all these documentaries coming out or claiming, you know You go plant-based and all a lot of all these symptoms and diseases will disappear, you know So that's one thing I want to try out. Oh really like for me yet. Like maybe hopefully get off lexapro. Yeah yeah, I don't eat too much meat or or dairy products and whatnot in general And I try to have a healthy diet because that's definitely yeah The exercise? Yes. Yeah, not not as much as I should but But yeah, definitely that really helps and then obviously just sleeping really helps when I don't get a good night's sleep It's my psychiatrist says that your emotions can just be anywhere like yeah, so it's really important to sleep So I try to at least follow that yeah, you're youtuber. Um Not full-time. I do I do make youtube videos, but they're pretty Silly and stuff like that. It's like a hobby now ish. Yeah. Yeah. It's very much a hobby And then for full-time, I work in television production, and then I'm a writer I just published my first book so that's been pretty cool. Oh, yeah the poems. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't There's no link on your Instagram. I couldn't so Is it on it's on Amazon? Yes. Okay, I just type in. Oh Yeah, yeah and I can put it on this video too, when did it come out, um, it just came out last week No basically I was doing it. It's kind of with undercover because I wanted to get some reviews by people And they say like that's good to have reviews the Cornish public. So yeah. Alright any last words? I think I covered everything that I wanted to ask. No. Yeah Um, well thank you for watching if you would like to Purchase my book Or if you don't have the means to you can DM me and I'd love to give you a special code for it to get It for free. It'll be in the link in my bio and maybe the link. Yeah, definitely. Yeah Yeah, if you want to subscribe to my youtube channel, I make silly videos or to my Instagram Your pro. Oh You didn't you did it all for me. I usually do that part Oh, I mean no, I just say thanks for watching good
