Charlotte | Initial Commentary on 1.5 Year Follow-Up Session with Dr. Jacob

in terms of like the debriefing of the session i want to hear what you thought of it yeah i know i thought it was nice she hurt my feeling i mean i started saying this thing because i read this brene brown and she's all like the power of being vulnerable and so now i'm like well they hurt my feelings that was funny yeah i know it was i can't i was gonna believe that she was like i don't know if he cheated on you or whatever like that i don't remember if you had it like presented you know the evidence yet no i hadn't because i didn't really feel like i needed to but when someone like accuses me of lying like that's that's i mean i guess she wasn't accusing me of lying she was saying that like my like my perception of events might not be what was really going on and i'm kind of like there was a valentine's day card not written out to me i don't really need further proof after that but she didn't know that she didn't know that so and then obviously like the other stuff too so i was just kind of like whatever i never like whatever but that shift your sort of valence for the rest of the session once that happened in terms of how you felt about her no actually i think if i hadn't said anything it would have but i honestly i was proud of myself for being like okay let's stop there and let's discuss this because otherwise yeah yeah it would have yeah because i don't like it when someone questions like something that you know would be like someone questioning my childhood like really do you really want to go there yeah yeah i thought that was like i mean again i don't spend gobs of time with you but i thought when you did that that was something newly characteristic like i hadn't seen that before you know from all the times we have spent no definitely and i was like i thought that was great i mean again not to judge but i thought it was really yeah i thought it was like um i like brave yeah i know thank you for saying that i mean i'm not just like whatever but like yeah i thought it was like i don't i think i've just gotten more comfortable with therapists now to where i can be like you know let's let's dial back the [ __ ] but whatever i don't know but that's not to say that it was [ __ ] i'm just saying like it was like i don't know well it was like you felt mis you felt not seen in a certain like you felt not um not not seen but you know what i'm saying right you felt yeah like such an l.a thing to say i didn't feel seen i didn't feel bad i was just like it's like okay we get it you okay but yeah you're right that's understood you felt like misunderstood i know i know what you're like you felt misunderstood yeah yeah no it's true and i those are actually like that's those are very valid ways of saying that i just always feel like okay sorry i remember when i was in treatment years ago they said like one of the most aversive later one of the most aversive feelings is to feel like um not understood seen or hurt yeah it's like so and when they said that it was like oh okay well i mean how we how we you know if you like verbally like attack someone for sort of i mean i think it's context dependent but you know it may not be the most effective thing to do to get yourself seen but it's like hands down okay to feel whatever you feel yeah no i agree unless they're like sociopathic or something then i'm kind of like we have to draw a line but right that's not the that's not yeah right exactly yeah okay so go ahead with your training i thought like what you were going to say before well i was i mean i was curious um like how you felt if you could if you noticed certain feelings you were having at certain points in the session and um how you felt about having allowing those feelings to exist within the context of the session yeah no so before um i had met with her i do this with my cpt therapist i write down what i want to talk about and i put it on a post-it and i slap it on my like desk over here so when i'm meeting with her i have like an outline of what i'd like to address and i had done that already for the one that we had today and so one of them was like a plan of action and so i'm glad that we went in that direction towards the end because it definitely that's what i needed i don't i mean i couldn't talk about you know all this other stuff until i'm blue in the face but at the end of the day i really just want to get better so whatever that takes you know i feel like since i've known you you've always had a drive to get better don't you think you have that's what i think no definitely i think i think um i was listening to this um not a podcast but i was listening to it like a youtube channel and first of all this lady was like oh look this is where i got the term cluster b's and she was saying that they typically lack empathy and i was like i wanted to like turn it off at that point but as she did say with um with borderlands that we're the most receptive of the cluster bees to seek help to want to like to engage in like therapy and to want to be better to seek self-improvement because obviously with npd and i know that you and i have had a conversation about this but i mean my experience with people that i would diagnose if i were qualified they don't think that they have an issue they think that anyone else does and anyone that i would say if i were qualified to say it would have anti-social personality disorder they just don't care so with borderlands and the ones that i've met like we want to get better we don't want to feel like shitty and we don't want to hurt other people and honestly i think borderlines have more empathy than people that would be neurotypical i don't know if that's the right word but i mean that's my impression what do you think um i don't i don't know i i definitely think that um like the way my current therapist described um borderline versus like narcissism was like borderlines are like this continuum like this and it's how close or far apart you are from someone and that feeling of closeness or distance is what generates a lot of this like these affect storms you know um whereas narcissism is more vertical about power you know and so i think there is something about this you know focus need meaning to relationships that probably has a lot of like empathic promise at very least you know if not in that in the present moment you know but it's just or potential you know if it's not yeah depending on its level of it's not of being realized yeah i completely agree with that as i've gotten better um my friends that i was friends with before and then did a lot of not nice things to and then we we became friends again my understanding of them now and my ability to sort of recognize more of their wholeness is better now so like i think i was so in so much pain before and so wounded that i didn't i couldn't be like oh well this person has this struggle or this person is feeling this way or this will make them feel this way so you maybe shouldn't do that you know are you maybe and i think i was so wrapped up in my own pain that i couldn't consider other people's would you say that it was just a consistent like thing where like kind of what you're describing where like you consistently couldn't take yourself and like kind of like put yourself in the other person's position or do you think it was just when you were like feeling [Music] disrupted i guess i think it was when i felt less secure in that friendship like or i felt they were in a better place in life than i was which most of them were by the way in certain like really big basic developmental ways but like i think um it would have to do with not nodding yeah yeah like i think it had to do with like how safe i felt in the relationship and if i didn't feel safe i couldn't i i wasn't like relaxed to see yeah like their wholeness in the same way that's what do you have that experience with people when i'm mad i have a very difficult time understanding their perspective yeah i mean but otherwise i can to almost to a fault but then like when when that switch is flipped it's not even that i don't understand it i just don't care yeah like i mean in my defense i have to be pushed to that point i mean do you feel that way i mean that might be just my perspective but i mean i really have to be pushed to that point my sense if you were to compare you and me is you take a longer time to push to that point than i do i think i'm like super i was a very quick switch like i think there were people that were in the safe safe space and they would you know that would be very hard for them to push from that point because i really did trust them and i really did trust like their love of me and then there were the people that weren't and those people didn't literally needed to like flick do that the wrong direction i'd be like [ __ ] you you know yeah yeah so like yeah and i said am i right about that with you do you take just are there people that you give less yeah it takes it takes a long time and i have to be pretty close to them too like i have to feel like violated at some level or like they've taken advantage of me like something like that i mean so do you think that with the story that you were telling karen about your boyfriend that cheated on you there were warning like in other words do you think he pushed you to you know in other words it seems like you let stuff go which we all do by the way and am i right about that you know i mean i don't even have hard feelings about that like if i wanted to reach out to him i could reach out to him but when that relationship was going on i did let him do anything he wanted and you know about that so like anything he wanted he could do and like i'm not like singularly wealthy but like i was always paying for everything and like it was kind of like i was always getting like the ubers and just sort of that kind of thing like wears me down after a while because i'm just kind of like it's just not very gentlemanly i don't know and then but i always let him have and do anything he wanted but he was like really nice to me too [Music] i don't know and even with the cheating like this is so embarrassing i there had been like these in this center console like i remember i was like why would you have this like it's like oh that's been in there that whole time or whatever and then i remember like in the kitchen there were um like tags from like uh it's called be tempted they sell it at bloomingdale's and it's like a breakfast yeah and it's like so it's like lingerie and i'm like why would there be tags in the kitchen and i never said anything about it so i thought he was wearing women's underwear like that's how warped my brain was to the point where like we'd gone to a movie and we're at the mall and i'm like hey if that's your thing that's cool with me like that's not a problem he's like i'm completely comfortable with my sexuality and i'm like okay okay and then like once like my shoes i had like i had like this pair of like shoes that have like a weave where um like they're woven in a way where they can stretch out and i have um like you know my foot's messed up so like i have a like a very um keen perception of what's going on with like the shoes right and i remember i went back over there and i put them on and they were like really big so like i was like this is weird and i was like maybe he was wearing my shoes like that's how like deluded i was and then like i don't know i mean maybe in my mind i knew something was up and i just didn't i mean even like even when i had like you know like proof or whatever i wasn't mad at him i was just like hurt but whatever i don't know i don't know i don't know with the last guy with eric like he definitely definitely pushed me to the point where i was like mad and mean and because i felt like definitely taken advantage of with him but he tried his best so i mean it would be so cool if you could see a good therapist who could like in vivo while you're dealing in these relationships like to be able to go through the experience real time with someone who's really good at helping you just like i know figure this out because there's yeah because there's so much like doubt on my end like how much of it is in my head and how much of it is real and like all of these things but um i need to have somebody in between the cbt because i mean after like i mean the cbt it only came up after the fact like i'm like okay so this happened and i pushed eric away and i was like happy about not happy like satisfied and then she like explained it to me you know like but still like i'd like to know before yeah but then i feel like i'm okay when i'm not dating somebody and i actually think i am okay when i'm not dating somebody but when i'm dating somebody i i should probably have somebody three times a week just twice but that's still a lot i don't know like i was talking to erica you know the cbt and i was like i don't even know if i should date somebody like maybe i just i'm constitutionally incapable of being in that kind of relationship and that's probably okay i like i don't pay attention to school and i don't pay attention to like my needs and i i just like whatever they want that becomes what i want and that's you know like that's not right so that's probably where a lot of the resentments come in so it's like this is you and this is them and then do you like for like you lose your sense of what you even want right yeah like with eric like he likes like really young girls that dress like in a certain way like a very provocative way and i was like so then i started gravitating towards that and then with the guy before him um it was like kind of like a i mean i didn't i don't know so then i started dressing the way he wants or like he really liked girls that have like light light light light blonde hair like to the point where it's basically white and i was like really looking into that would i look good with like white hair you know just like things like that so um i mean it seems like presuming there's a next time that you date someone which i'm thinking there probably will be like it seems like it seems like it would be like okay i'm gonna get a therapist now so because the [ __ ] is gonna come up again like it almost should be like a flag like because it's an opportunity you know yeah i mean i mean it's a way to study in vivo what's happening to yourself yeah completely definitely like there's not a question about that like that i think i'm like with the tfp i think um i'm gonna look into that it sounds like it's probably gonna be a lot to do on every level um so i'll definitely look into that but without a doubt the second i start even thinking about dating somebody which i'm not right now so i don't have to worry about it there will be serious therapy going on serious therapy you

Channel: BorderlinerNotes

Views: 20,436

Keywords:

Id: 7VTQGPdynCc

Length: 16min 40sec (1000 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 19 2021