Caitlin Moran: “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For You"

[Applause] dear lizzy hello it's mummy i'm dead sorry about that i hope the funeral was good did daddy play don't stop me now by queen when my coffin went in the cremator i hope everyone sang along and did air guitar as i stipulated and also wore the stick on freddy mercury mustaches as i ordered in the my funeral plan document that's been pinned to the fridge since 2008 when i had that extremely self-pitying cold look here's a couple of things i've learned on the way that you might find useful in the coming years it's not an exhaustive list but it's a good start also i've left you loads of life insurance money so go hog wild on ebay on those second-hand vintage dresses you love you have always looked beautiful in them you have always looked beautiful the main thing is just try to be nice you already are so lovely that i burst darling and i want you to hang on to that and never let it go keep slowly turning it up like a dimmer switch whenever you can just resolve to shine constantly and steadily like a warm lamp in the corner and people will want to move towards you in order to feel happy and read things more clearly you will be bright and constant in a world of darkened flux and this will save you the anxiety of other ultimately less satisfying things like being cool being more successful than everybody else and being very thin second always remember that nine times out of ten you probably aren't having a full-on nervous breakdown you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit you will be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse the two get a big biscuit tin three choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them because the jokes are easy and you feel like you're in your best outfit when you're with them even though you're just in a t-shirt never love someone whom you think you need to mend or who makes you feel like you should be mended there are boys out there who look for shining girls they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain all of the joy out of your heart i can see some people have had some of those here the books about vampires are true baby you must drive a stake in their hearts and run away four stay at peace with your body while it's healthy never think of it as a problem or a failure pat your legs occasionally and thank them for being able to run put your hands on your belly and enjoy how soft and warm you are marvel at the brilliant meet clockwork that you are as i did when you were inside me and i dreamed about you every night whenever you can't think of something to say in a conversation ask people questions instead even if you're next to a man who collects pre-1970s screws and bolts you will probably never have another opportunity to find out so much about pre-1970 screws and bolts and you never know when it might be useful this segues into the next tip life divides into amazing enjoyable times and appalling experiences that will later make amazing anecdotes however awful you can get through any experience if you imagine yourself in the future telling your friends about it as they scream in disbelief no no even when jesus was on the cross i bet he was thinking when i rise in three days the disciples aren't gonna believe this [Applause] baby see as many sunrises and sunsets as you can run across the road to smell the roses always believe that you can change the world even if it's only a tiny bit because every tiny bit needed someone who changed it think of yourself as a silver rocket use loud music as your fuel books like maps and coordinates for how to get there host extravagantly love constantly dancing comfortable shoes talk to daddy and nancy about me every day and never ever start smoking it's like buying a fun baby dragon that will grow and eventually burn down your [ __ ] house love mummy [Applause] you

Channel: Letters Live

Views: 380,441

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Id: qhczIF4lDAk

Length: 5min 47sec (347 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 19 2021