Big Trouble In Little China Will Make You Hate Today's Movies Even More - Best Movie Ever

Big Trouble in Little China is the curve Russell Mega Blockbuster hit movie where he showed the world that being coherent just listen to the old pork chop Express and take his advice on a dark and stormy night all right doesn't have shit when some wild eyed age with all Maniac grabs your neck in the ass if you've paid your dudes on being awesome you remember what old Jack Burton always says yes sir the check is in the mail it starts off with Russell rambling complete nonsense I never drive faster than I can see that I could listen to all fucking day A man would have to be some kind of fool to think we're all alone in this universe after 30 minutes of that which feels like 30 seconds the movie unfortunately moves on but that's fine with Russell because when he's not kicking ass over a CB radio besides that it's on the reflexes he's kicking ass ever the fuck everyone else is being either a little bitch something about beginner's luck or a sore loser no look bro there's no shame in losing two snake fucking pleasekin this knife Cuts this ball in half nothing or double everything about that sounds really stupid and please stop saying it like that that's not a double Jack you know what fuck you it's on fucking dick now that his plan to assassinate Russell failed they have to head to the airport for some reason a girl I don't want to talk about it he then spends the next 15 minutes doing nothing but five years I worked my fingers to their blood I saved everything they're bringing her because I love her so much Jack which would have only taken a month if he wasn't such a degenerate gambler airport there's struck whoa when they see Samantha I mean some lady we've never seen or heard of but go to talk to her anyways can I ask you a serious question absolutely not too late he already did stuck a bitch anyways these three blind gentlemen want to kidnap this lady but in a wacky turn of events end up taking her by mistake then they take stunning and brave to the next level and haul ass out of there in a fucking Trans Am which is so awesome she doesn't even seem to mind now they're desperately trying to find them they got this sort of color boss thing you know where they all hang out not all blind people hang out together you insensitive prick in an effort to not be offensive they first check art galleries sporting events and shooting ranges before going to the place where everyone knows they're at go right now but son of a bitch now it's three o'clock and they're stuck waiting out a massive gang war involving two Chinese gangs and one Hispanic you know what fuck what's her name this is way more awesome the gang in Black has a wide range of Competency and while this guy has pinpoint accuracy with a fucking Tommy Gun yoshimity Sam unloads way over everyone's heads and while they don't show it I guarantee you whoever's in that coffin is fucking dead thousands of bullets are flying around this Alleyway but not a single one hits the semi truck taking up the entire thing why that's fucking why afraid of a Ricochet or something hitting the truck and not wanting to get their Shipwrecked they try a different approach it's happening Wang Chinese standoff which is just like an American standoff with only one tiny difference in a Chinese standoff motherfuckers fly in from out of nowhere and murder they shit out of everyone with lightning and spinning Forks it's a subtle difference but it is there as much as they'd love to stay they really gotta get to this one thing so fuck you all all right well that could not have gone any worse they have a chance to make up for it and score a hundred points by nailing this stupid old man but today is just not his day even though it really looked like he got him he somehow fucking holy shit does this old man overreact you know what they don't have time for this they really need to get what's her face looking for us God damn it fuck that too oh yeah forgot about this whole thing that's still happening there's just way too much shit going on right here and they need to take five but in a shocking quiz just because he left his truck running with the door wide open someone actually stole it the Lord's death stole it after you ran away which is Francisco oh how do you think I feel jacquel that's the whole girl nobody gives a shit we're dealing with a real problem here then the movie blows us all away when she shows up it's only me Gracie love nobody cares and makes history with the first time a woman has ever taken responsibility for anything this mix up mess up is my fault sort of close enough the switch is Gears and takes us to a brothel where we meet one of movie history's all-time greatest characters how do you do ma'am Henry Swanson's my name and excitement's my game every word out of his mouth boy sure is raining cats and dogs is a fucking Zinger cash I guess I mean it's not deductible is it he's only flock is wired to believe the women wouldn't be paying him now the movie gets crazy not the green explosion portal or the dancing dead that's normal shit I mean the reveal that Henry Swanson was Kurt Russell this whole time so anyways we get another Chinese standoff when Russell loses his glasses and can't risk everyone finding out he's Henry Swanson by punch exploding this guy's head and Swanson is such a Class Act not only does he pull his punches but he also really sells it when the overacting facial expression guy kicks this wig then they lightning steal that one lady nobody gives a shit about and fly away motherfucker now how's he gonna find his truck the truth I can take it we don't know thank you that's very helpful dipshit luckily another random lady shows up and tells them where to go the wing Kong import export Trading Company great they'll go there while you guys go to nobody gives a shit I go with you I know there's a problem with your fist that's what you call getting fucking swansoned but first they have to make a quick stop to fix some phone lines where's the mini panel and probably through here and holy shit what the hell I think we found the problem they end up running into this guy again and I'm starting to think he might be kind of a dick they're from the phone company you have no idea what you're fucking with this ah what's wrong not working piece of shit they've had enough of this and a man to talk to his boss Bill Burr ah things are going great indeed when she has to show up and ruin everything now this really pisses me off to no end but Bill Burr don't play and she gets fucking gas meanwhile Swanson is having a blast playing with his wheelchair proving physics books are full of shit then Bill Burr starts doing that thing with his pinky nail again so now it's time for Swanson to start wrecking people's shit but these two are an embarrassment and when they get confused and take each other hostage Swanson says fuck this and goes off to rescue these human trafficking victims which is sop for phone line technicians then these two start attacking the victims and are getting their asses handed to them Swanson tells them to knock that shit off then after swansoning these poor sons of bitches he surprises everyone with a Chinatown tour human trafficking victims have all the luck he didn't get his truck he didn't get whatever her name is she got abducted by Harry who's developed a very serious thyroid condition and the phone lines are still down but still I think we can call this a win that night she offers to go back and help I'm on board too then but that's stupid and he tells her to get fucked yeah sure kid besides he has Grandpa Mori now and you're completely useless now that they have him and some nameless people who can die and nobody will care they head back on the way we find out Ronnie's wife just delivered a baby girl that he hasn't met yet and this is his last mission before retirement it's a long trip but Ronnie helped pass the time by telling everyone about his family and their hopes and dreams [Music] relax guys it's a false alarm there's nothing to worry about oh my God Ronnie come on guys there's still a chance never mind he's definitely dead now telling a widow that her husband and father of her children died on your watch is one of the hardest things to do so they all agree to pretend like he made it out just fine and is probably with another woman come from an eyeball thing you have come a long ways to find me talks constantly I will sacrifice Gracie law to appease my Emperor Bud Swanson ain't got got time for that shit now they're almost ready to fuck up that old man from the beginning but first they need to drink some dry ice with Grandpa and now they're ready in a rather awkward twist it turns out that one lady is actually getting married to the old man and witness this holy matrimony oh lady who amendable it doesn't change the whole stealing Swanson's truck thing so he's still gonna die now it's a massive battle but son of a bitch Swanson's having an existential crisis at the worst possible time his buddy is doing Flying sword fighting this guy's punch crushing guns and some Captain Planet is happening and he doesn't care about any of it but when Grandpa pulls this out of I don't want to know where he snaps out of it and has to get the fuck out of there right now on his way out he thinks he overhears Steven Seagal I love you and I need you no but it turns out to just be the other creepy old man you take her take the moment now it's down to just Henry Swanson and the old man old man thinks he missed a good knife buddies Henry fucking Swanson me and he just wanted to hit the gong congratulations old man you got fucking swansoned then he comes back and says holy shit that's Henry fucking Swanson and it explodes now it's just them which I guess means everyone else got raw needs but who cares he got his truck back it's later that night and while he'd love to stay and chat CB radioheads within a five mile radius are just dying for him to get back on the road God aren't you even gonna kiss her goodbye nope you got fucking SWAT sand

Channel: Space Ice

Views: 455,489

Keywords: big trouble in little china, kurt russell, jack burton, action movie, best movie, 80s movie, lo-pan, movie review, movie recap, funny movie review

Id: B5s4ACPzS80

Length: 14min 42sec (882 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 08 2023