Best of Martha Howe Douglas | Actor Compilation | Horrible Histories

[Music] a gorgeous georgian lady is quite a sight to see for some splendid beauty tips pay attention listen to me [Music] white is beautiful dear ladies smear your face with paint of lead never mind the lead has made the men who mixed it ill or dead take some silk of red or black cut a circle or a crescent stick it to your face to cover smallpox scars it's much more pleasant shave your eyebrows clean away take a trap and catch some mice make false eyebrows with the mouse skin stick them on you'll look so nice [Music] next you need a monster wig if you want to look real smashing when your wig has reached the roof then you'll be the height of fashion decorate your lovely hairpiece use the feathers of a parrot add some ribbons fruit and flowers from your ear then hang a carrot make your face look soft and chubby pack your mouths with balls of cork hang your false teeth in the middle hope you don't choke when you talk [Music] now you followed my advice last of all you need a fan flutter it oh demurely then you're sure to bag your man [Music] five victorians viewers may like to know that all the names in the following sketch are genuine victorian names good day [Music] right settle down mr butler isn't here today so i'll be taking the register uh now i don't know any of you so be sure to call out when you hear your name raspberry lemon lettuce burger boverle i'm i'm sorry i i think i must have picked up a shopping list no miss those are children's names they're not answering because they're off sick bothering raspberry honestly christian names have got really weird since victoria became queen well okay on on with the register no way miss sit down what are you talking about you said i'll go on the register i'm okay okay johnson well okay uh unless i give permission never get out of your seat yes miss why are you standing up you said never get out of your seat i'm never never crook has nobody got an ordinary name in this classroom yes toilet all right be quick no that's my name i think that's quite a normal name my sister's called baboon toilet and baboon your parents must be evil no that's evil over there yes i've got an ordinary name miss it's susan oh that's more like it huge and semolina thrower right let's just try and get through this shall we i'll say your names you say here and uh i'll try not to say your names accidentally happy yes miss don't tell me your name's happy right register here we go freezer breezer here is princess cheese hey miss minty badger here miss scary looker no i'm sorry why would anybody call their child scary looker forget i asked now i am miss farting clack good morning miss farting class oh hello there yes those really were all real victorian names minty badger and princess cheese hey it makes what celebrities call their children nowadays almost normally people from the different bits of ancient greece were very different from each other the greeks from athens and sparta really were like chalk and cheese this is the athenian family of athens hi i'm a playwright and they're doing a wife swap with the spartan family of sparta i'm a warrior so how will these two very different greek cultures get on [Music] oh help me with my bag spartan slave and then go and tell the master of the house that mrs athenian has arrived i am the master of the house oh i'm sorry and um and where's your dear son i believe like us you have a seven-year-old boy i do he's out naked in the hills fighting with the other spartan children oh and when will he be back when he's 15. [Music] things aren't getting off to a much better start in the athenian household oh welcome welcome mrs spartan to our home i'm mr athenian this is my son why is he so puny and sickly why was he not taking up a mountain to die at birth what's that water coming from his eyes eh she's she's joking she's joking and spartans have a very different idea of a woman's role right time to get something for supper great what are you hunting what are you hunting go get us a rabbit but i'm just a delicate athenian woman i'm not allowed out of the house apart from to visit other women or to go to funerals you are going to a funeral the rabbits these spartans are unbelievable you're at school spartan girls learn how to wrestle and throw javelins imagine that a girl going to school they should be at home learning how to sew so mr athenian there any parts in your place for a strong woman oh yes yes right then i should play it oh no you're a woman all female parts are played by men all right well i'll come and watch it then oh don't be silly you're not allowed you're a woman [Laughter] ah what a wimp this athenian is eh i mean what kind of a job is writing please sparta if you want a good night out just go and slaughter a wolf simple as [Music] it's time for the spartans and the athenians to settle their differences look what you did to my wife it's not my fault she fainted she should be tough like my woman she's no woman i'm not a slave like athenian women you uncivilized spartan brutes you bloody darythinian sissies right that's about as much as i can take okay all right now there's only one thing for it agreed a fight to the death no no i i was actually thinking of a vote to see whose way of life is best okay i vote spartan i vote spartan i vote athenian i don't get a vote i'm only a woman i make that 2-1 to sparta run gene gonna cause a stink won't be the first to blink [Music] half of everything roman law gave half to me the heart was what they got until their nasty soldiers came and took the blessed lord hey mister i say you got the wrong end of the stick his answer turned his sister into one [Music] oh i built a massive army headed straight for the city beat them all with ease unlike me it wasn't pretty chopped [Music] up [Music] we marched on up the roman road that's known as woodland street they trapped us in the forest then thrashed us to our tv by now you've guessed i'm not the kind of guy who'll sit and cry be sold a slave to romans you know i'd rather [Music] [Music] this was our [Music] don't dismiss did you know we victorians were a very inventive bunch but sometimes the old methods are the best methods good day [Music] this is victorian dragon's den it's victorian britain an age of enterprise and industry when many great inventions were well invented by inventors so can any of tonight's candidates convince the dragons to put money behind their ideas first up it's mr nathaniel twonk gentlemen and lady allow me to explain a most efficacious device that i have invented i call it the automatic bottle washer this device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end without the need for attention or adjustment ah oh that's marvellous yes i'm in i'm in i'm in [Music] our next hopeful inventor is mrs edwina gruel bucket gentleman and madam i wish to present you with a golden opportunity to invest in my most marvellous invention the automatic potato harvester wonderful i'm in i'm in well it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far let's see if sir chesterton wide belly can make it a clean sweep lady and gentlemen i have invented something which i believe will truly change the world i call it the vacuum cleaner but what does it do it sucks oh dear it sucks all right the dragons aren't impressed never mind can chesterton win them round you could use this instead oh you see now that's more like it yes i i mean oh i'm in i'm in yes the victorians made children do all sorts of terrible jobs but they also invented lots of technology electricity the railway steel ships the car the radio [Music] slimy stewards the english civil war pitted the royalist supporters of the king against the roundhead supporters of parliament everyone took sides even highwaymen like james hind i just don't know why we couldn't just take the main road it's making me nervous because it's quicker this way on foot isn't it look you don't need to worry it's perfectly safe stay in and deliver your money or your life take my wedding ring hang on this will get ahead of ourselves what well before we get on to the actual robbery there's just a few quick questions i need to ask are you or have you ever been a parliamentarian or in any other way opposed to the king charles absolutely not no we're royalists oh that's good yeah so i'm going to roy this myself actually really small world yeah isn't it would you consider yourself to be enjoying good fortunes suffering bad fortunes or don't know uh my entire estate has just been taken over by round heads half of my family have been killed and my carriage has been broke to the ground bad fortune to his honesty is terrible andy now all this crime oh and last but not least would you say that you were really rich a bit rich quite poor or very poor but this is my last sixpence very poor right oh so to summarise you're down on your luck and you don't actually have any money something i guess there's only one thing for it use a bag of gold coins to tide you over sorry it's just traditionally in my experience robberies don't work this way no well if you were a parliamentarian it would be a very different story indeed but thing is i've got a bit of a soft spot for fellow royalists especially if they're in a hard time with it so come on fill your boots thank you thank you no problem well i suppose i better shoot so this week well there you go now he's nice absolutely charming brand and deliver your money or your life thank you we're royalists the past is no longer a mystery hope you enjoyed horrible histories

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Id: jCroQcJ5rsg

Length: 16min 3sec (963 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 02 2020