Hi, welcome, w hat's your name, please? Noel Noel James. How old you Noel, if I may ask? 52 What do you do, Noel? I invigilate in schools What is that? So when the kids are doing exams in schools and you sort of look after them, you know Make sure they don't cheat and stuff. Yeah, if you'd have taken any other points or a level Simon you'd know that Are you with anyone today? Unfortunately, my girlfriend couldn't make it because she doesn't exist Well look good luck, thank you very much Okay in Blackpool My name is Noel my full name is in fact, Noel Wind James. That's right. I don't pronounce the in fact I'm glad you laughing Because I've had a terrible day. You've cheered me up. You know, I was woken up at 4 a.m. This morning the phone rang Who's ringing me at this time? I'll pick the phone up at you down the line. Achoo. There's a cold caller at that time But as you can see there's in time I brought my instrument with me tonight I do hope you enjoy this next tune Thank you very much Well, this is sorry I just bring the guitar to keep it in shape this II Don't know if you've seen one of these before, this is an Old Welsh instrument, it's got a Welsh name that's right It's called a bug and I am gonna play a tune for you ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this is not an original tune. This is a cover He's good, isn't he, we like Noel And some of you may recognize it.
Here we go it's a famous film from the 70s, it's the Elephant Man Well, you are up for some music ladies and gentlemen.
Yesss Any wool This is it Lola got free bag full Hello hello You look happy I'm quite delighted at what's your name? It's my name is Delhi. So Delhi search upon that that's amazing Malawi in name of Malawi. Yes, so I'm from allowed, but I live in Manchester Why have you come on Britain's Got? I've come to make the people laugh. I am a comedian. I Would love the winner of Britain's Got Talent this year to be a comedian. Oh, no pressure no pressure Who you here with? So I'm here just alone I my brother no, no he wanted to come he's a doctor and he was like either I should save lives or come with you Well, your parents disappointed that one of you is a comedian One of you was a doctor they were absolutely horrified because I was studying computer programming so I had a future Okay, excellent Well, I'm at that age now all my friends are getting married and married people forget how horrible it is being single They love to call me and complain about their company problems. Always get you're so lucky being single I get home My wife just starts nagging nag nag nag like I have to nag myself. I Get Holden like what time do I call this? Why don't I ever do the dishes Sometimes I think I don't appreciate myself I haven't always been a comedian. I did some weird jobs. I used to clean houses and I'll admit I was tempted to steal I didn't steal because the Bible says thou shalt not steal. But nowhere does it say thou shalt not swap? I took a stereo left a Walkman took a plasma screen left an etch-a-sketch As I mentioned I am from Africa I moved here ten years ago and immediately I moved here I heard a lot of British people talking about the financial Crisis the recession. I'm from Africa. What are you maniacs talking about? You call that a crisis if that's a crisis. Where's UNICEF? Where is Bono I've not seen one save the UK Concert You can tell me it's a financial crisis when their planes flying over Birmingham tossing fish and chips out the window It will be a financial crisis when there are ads on television saying this chap has to walk five miles a day To get a bottle of wkd blue And 100% you have got a financial crisis when India starts opening call centers here Can you imagine some poor guy Mumbai calls back ends up talking to a Brahmi Thank you so much The shit I Just want to say you're bloody hilarious Thank you Self-deprecating funny relevance, I mean laughs after laughs after laughs it just kept on coming And I really want you to win the entire serie I think you have a golden future. Oh, thank you so much. I'm shocked and delighted
So am I My face is hurting from laughing. I'm so pleased that Amanda pressed the golden buzzer for you You are brilliant, and I cannot wait to hear more from you. Well done You should be a comedy superstar all the jokes were really original and You are incredibly likeable. I couldn't fault it well done No need do I think you're an undiscovered all-star I could see you owning your own show What you did was so funny and naughty Unique this is why we make shows like this to find people like you Hello What is your name.
My name's Jack Jack Jack Carroll and how old are you? 14, 14 years and tell me a little bit more about you I'm a professional gymnast My name is Jack. I am 14 team and today I'm gonna be doing a bit of stand-up comedy So proposing since since I was born Yeah, basically Still got it What go where it's impossible for him to move around without some kind of aid either a wheelchair or a walking frame? That seems to be the least of his worries His big worries are whether his jokes make people laugh or not I used my cerebral palsy in my act because in comedy a lot of times your Weaknesses are your strengths? It's like the elephant in the room And then when you mention it, they go And they can relax and enjoy the rest of the funny jokes He wants to make people laugh and he wants to make something of his life and the unreal apparently I'm not looking to help people in need because I'm a horrible selfish individual but if people do find some comfort or some inspiration from what I do, then brilliant, bonus I'm never gonna be user involved right, but that's soft it But maybe I can focus on EastEnders which is umm... bring joy to the world Well, best of luck.
Alright Cheers Don't worry I know what you're thinking Harry Potter in a nasty Quidditch accident Do you know I can't stand sorry. sorry, let me reenphasize. Do you know what? I can't stand Look on the bright side. I've never had to queue at Disneyland Now just I'm just gonna throw a disclaimer out there if I do get too energetic please stop me I want to keep my benefit Otherwise, how would I hate the Jacuzzi? I'm joking. I'm joking. It's a pool. I I was there I was at the Cinema, seeing the new James Bond film the other day and then it got me thinking, you know Maybe I would have liked to have had a go, you know being James Bond, but obviously I'm a bit inhibited. Ah Mr. Bond, I've been expecting you No lift But this isn't the first Britain's Got Talent event I've been to I was actually a Live tour in Manchester funnily enough two years ago and the staff they couldn't be more helpful Moving people out the way getting us to our seat and then when we finally got there the view was just fantastic And we sat down and my sister She tapped me on the shoulder, turn around and I'll never forget this as long as I live. She said Jack We are so lucky you're disabled We can not take you anywhere Right, Jack, yeah, I am gonna have to go to David first of all Jack you are a comedy genius I wasn't as funny as you. I'm not even as funny as you, now as you are at 14 years old. It was incredible every joke was a winner You make me laugh before the act even started and... I know I've got a funny face.
No, you do... Jack the thing that is great is that Nobody feels sorry for you, yourself deprecating. You're hilarious And I think, we've got huge future Well, I'm gonna tell you Jack you've got one of the most refreshing attitudes you made fun, you know of what you've gone through And you made it funny which is really really difficult. You've just got an incredible personality And I am really happy that I met you Thank you Ah, four yeses Okay, baby, yes or no Gigantic yes 100% yes Yes for me Jack
Jack you have I think you know what's coming Four yesses Thank you, thank you The best Well done, that was brilliant, I love it. Did you like it? Yeah, he's really funny. You have to take his age or certain used to into consideration
He is just a really really funny comedian. Fantastic comments from the judges
Four yeses. Yes. An standing ovation from the crowd I know. Something that I can't do A great day. Probably the best experience of my life Hello!
Hello! What is your name? I'm Tolju and how old are you? 40 and are you married? Is that a proposal? No, not married not to my knowledge And what is it that you're doing for us today? stand-up impressions brilliant Well wish you the best yes, thank you I love TV man, anybody here remember blind date? Ladies and gentlemen, it's blind date. And here's your host miss Cilla Black Oow Oow We've got three bonny lads behind that screen And is the gorgeous girl who's got amnesia and name's Amanda come in Amanda You know, I'd love to see the screen goes back she doesn't like a look at the guy She makes it clear dodo dodo dododoo Pray women, why do you always come to the club, with a friend that doesn't look as cute as you? Yes, and guys just as you're about to get the cute ones number the friend comes along and messes it up completely Yes, let me set the scene Alicia.
Hi, you're kind of cute. Oh, you're cute, too. Here comes the friend
hahh hahh... Then they turn to their friend who is hey, who is hey, who is hey? Then they turn back to you Are you nutter, you look like a nutter, you act like a nutter. can you prove you're not a nutter. exactly what fool; you are a nutter? If I'm not getting the man no one's getting a man Total Recall predator commando action films. I love them. Favorite action hero; Arnold Schwarzenegger Yes Cuz Schwarzenegger is always asking quest ions, huh? What the hell is going on? What did I do wrong? And he's always trying to explain his drama to other people that don't care some men just try to kill me I think it was spies or something Harry from work. He was the boss Blood on my shoulder Blood on my hands blood on my knives he try to take my life Get down I really like him. I do like him, he's funny Yes I don't know what to say that really moved me only Ant & Dec. Thank you so much He is good. He's very good Congratulations Thank you There's no one out there that I can think of right now who is like that See you in the studio Well done Go celebrate
Thanks a lot Hello! What is your name? Hello, my name is Lee and for obvious reasons, I'm also known as The Lost Voice guy Okay, and how long have you lost your voice? I just knew you were going to ask something that I hadn't thought about beforehand So, please excuse the awkward silence while I type out my answer I've been speechless for 37 years.
Wow, tell me why you decide to enter the show this year I think I entered Britain's Got Talent for the same reason everyone does to meet Ant & Dec yeahhh This was all going so well up until that point
The stage Lee is yours Hello ladies and gentlemen As you may be able to tell I'm a struggling stand-up comedian who also struggles to stand up To be honest, I'm not sure how good I am I'll leave that for you to decide But just so you know if you don't laugh at the disabled guy you are going to hell Well, I realized I'd never be able to talk again I was speechless I have lived in Newcastle all my life Yes, but for some reason I still haven't picked up the accent. I can see that some of you are trying to figure out where you know me from Maybe it would help if I started saying phrases such as the next train to arrive on Back.. is the 1252.. And from my time at the post office, please go to cashier number eight I got the train here today, I always like to sit in those seats for disabled people. I was about halfway here when another disabled person got on and asked me to move. I didn't realize I'd be playing disabled Top Trumps when I got on or I would have dress more special Needless to say I didn't give up my seat Who cares if he was both blind and deaf ? I was there first It was very awkward. He couldn't see that I was still there and I couldn't tell him I wasn't moving because I can't speak Before I leave you I have one more thing to say I hate that we have so many politically correct words to describe disabled people now It's all special needs special schools special olympics, I don't know. What is so special about me That is why it always alarms me when I hear about special forces going to war You've been a fantastic audience Goodbye Bloody brilliant!
