Ben Shapiro - The Adam Carolla Show Live

[Applause] [Music] live from laugh out loud comedy club in san antonio texas this is the adam corolla show adam's guest today the author of how to destroy america in three easy steps ben shapiro with paul bryan on sound effects and teresa strasser filling in for news plus we'll play a spirited round of blah blah blah and now he can't wait to ask if ben as a jew would be offended if the washington football team renamed themselves the foreskins adam [Applause] corolla oh hey thanks for coming i took the end of the mic stand with me let me fix that hey thanks you guys thanks san antonio i appreciate that um yeah man i just uh just got off a plane uh you want to talk about uh good good luck i was uh so we're we're gonna fly out here from uh la and uh we're going to leave lax this morning about 8 a.m and uh there's nothing direct into san antonio so we're going to have to fly into we're going to fly into mexico austin right we're going to fly into austin and um we're flying to austin and then we're going to drive to san antonio and we're going to fly uh southwest right so essentially he's going to take up a bus to austin and then we're going to rent the car and then we're going to drive into san antonio and i came into my studio yesterday at about noon because i was getting ready to do a podcast with a attorney mark garrigus and uh mark garrigus is sitting on my sofa and he goes are you going to texas and i said uh yeah and he goes when are you going we go we're going tomorrow and he goes huh you want to take my plane and i said uh well i don't i don't know how to fly a plane and it's like uh no i got a plane going you just go and i was like you just got a plane going to san antonio with nobody in it because you know i got money but i don't got that kind of money and he goes uh no no no the um the plane here's where it got a little dicey because uh the plane is going to nashville nashville is where they do the maintenance on the plane but i but there's no reason why it should be empty when it's going to the place where it's going to get repaired we can just stop in san antonio and then we can go to nashville and i was like that's cool but i know enough about planes which is you get x amount of hours on the jet you get x an hour amount of hours on the electronics get x amount of hours to fuselage you get these hours and then it has to go in and be refurbished right so if you're going to the place where it needs to be broken down and rebuilt that means is at the very end of its useful life so you don't want to here's the two flights you don't want to be on you're going to be on the very first flight after it's refurbished and you don't want to be on the very last flight on the way to the place where it's being refurbished but anyway i'm cheap i'm like [ __ ] it so we got onto mark garrigus's jet at burbank at noon i just had a couple of cocktails and hug my son i'm like [ __ ] it we're doing this and we just piled onto this jet and landed uh 10 minutes from here 10 minutes ago so we're we're good adam huh so also we were trying to think of what what do we want to bring to eat and adam brought leftover sushi and refused to let us buy any food for the trip that's right i said we're doing i had sushi left over this is a very la thing i said we're bringing in a box of sushi and you guys can eat it in the in the airport but the airport for the private airport is not really an airport it just looks like uh i don't know it looks like the lounge of a golf resort where you just sit there and eat sushi so we piled that on we landed here all as a good in the neighborhood and um i was thinking i was talking to mike august on the way out here we're talking about everyone moving to texas like everybody is moving to texas and i thought you know we're talking about all the celebrities and elon musk and all those guys building a truck factory and blah blah blah but i thought to myself you know i've lived in california my entire life and um i've heard of a lot of people moving to a lot of places and not one of them has ever moved back nobody went i went to south carolina was there for four years it was [ __ ] miserable i'm sorry i'm back in los angeles nobody all anyone ever it's like it's living in los angeles is like being in an abusive relationship like everybody leaves go like oh my god i was with brett for 11 years i can't believe i can't believe i put up with that [ __ ] i should have turned lesbian a long time ago by the way for you women going lesbian is always on the table right it's just there you don't trot it out too often you don't talk about it but it's there right like no i'm 56 i can't say to my wife you know what i've had enough of this [ __ ] i'm gonna start sucking [ __ ] i'm out of here let me know what a [ __ ] looks like but i'll go [ __ ] find one and i'll be happy you women at any time in your career could just go [ __ ] you and move to palm springs you're going to start eating [ __ ] see ya i uh let's see what do i got um oh i wanted to uh i want to yell about my dead grandmother um most of my family members i wait for them to die before i really start cursing their name but uh my grandmother i was thinking about my grandmother there today because i've been noticing this thing that's going on in this world which is everyone is like so i come from a long line of people that are like um i love this country now let me spend 45 minutes telling you what's wrong with this country which i'm seeing a lot of these days although they don't preface it with i love this country anymore they just tell you what's wrong with this country everyone is so [ __ ] pissed off and they're just telling you why we hate this country and i was thinking about my my grandmother my grandmother grew up in in los angeles and uh she ended up in the san fernando valley and which is i don't know suburb right you know in los angeles and she married this uh european guy she married a hungarian jew named lazlo gorak that was her not my mom's biological father because why would we do any of that but we but but she dumped that guy and married the hungarian jew laszlo gorak and all she did from her little shitty house in the san fernando valley is always talk about like how great europe was and how much the united states sucks she was like yeah a little bit of a communist but she's my grandmother was a total hypocrite because the only job she ever had was with the va so she worked for the veterans administration took all the [ __ ] money and all the perks and all the vacations they had but then just complained about this country and how much it sucked and the army and the government and everything else and then exalted the virtues of europe all the times like in europe they you know it's all that [ __ ] in europe in europe the children drink wine on the beach and they're topless and they smoke and everyone loves it it's great and everything else i thought to myself wait a minute i just had this this vision the other day which is you have lived with a hungarian jew named lazlo gorag for the last 30 years all you do is talk about what a piece of [ __ ] the united states is lazlo gorag grew up in hungary europe your beloved europe and in 1939 when the nazis were invading europe and rounding up jews like your husband putting them on trains and putting them in a [ __ ] oven he got on a steamship and he came to the united states so that he could have a productive rich and peaceful life which is what you guys have been doing here for the last 50 years you're talking [ __ ] about this country and exalting the virtues of europe and you're living with a guy who fled europe so it wouldn't be put in a [ __ ] toaster oven and incinerated that that is an interesting twist you old [ __ ] seeing little flashes of that today if you guys know what i mean everyone's everywhere else is [ __ ] paradise and uh we're a piece of [ __ ] except for we're all here and no one's going to paradise this is our paradise i was also thinking about i was thinking about uh rosie the riveter yesterday remember remember that famous poster rosie the river's like hot 25 year old chick she's like she's doing her part like like it's world war ii and she's doing her part and i was like where is our rosie the riveter of today you know what i mean some 23 year old chick who graduated berkeley with the chicano studies major and is down blowing some antifa guy and trying to burn down a courthouse in portland like who the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] i thought you were supposed to be jumping in and helping the cause not out on the street wrestling with cops and screaming at people who weren't wearing masks is that where's our [ __ ] rosie the riveter of today is every 23 year old chick just the most angry i've never seen more angry blonde chicks in my entire life how about you [ __ ] do a jello shot and enjoy yourself a little bit like what the what i what's all the i get it you got to go out there and slay you got to go out there and fight windmills i get it but how about just [ __ ] enjoying your 20s a little bit instead of being so goddamn miserable all the time girls on trampolines i miss them the simpler times i got uh a last thought for you but something i was thinking about uh the other day as well which is um i was thinking about everybody here has to kind of reevaluate their relationship with with danger because everyone is scared shitless and it's i i'm convinced it's that everyone is sitting in an air-conditioned office and they're not out in the real tangible world they're not touching things they're not dealing with things and they're not they're not getting their hands dirty and they're not having a relationship like with danger which is we have guys here and girls here that work on cars no okay good i'm moving on to the next subject so what about these unicorns people i'll tell you what no i was thinking about i always think about the guys who work for me who work on cars and who build my race cars and for them it's always this dance between danger and speed which is like when you're jacking up a car and you're using a floor jack and you jack up the car you can slide under the car with the floor jack but it's not that safe floor jacks fail people hit stuff stuff collapses you'll get crushed by the car so you jack it up and then you slide a jack stand under it and then you slide under it but if you're in a [ __ ] hurry and you want to shake hands with the devil you jack it up and you slide under and you do your [ __ ] you slide back out lick lickety split but what i'm saying is is when you live in that world it's a constant sort of dance between like speed and danger like do you want to be fast and get crushed by datsun or do you want to slow it down a little and get these jack stands under these cars and it's that part of your mind that's engaged constantly it's a constant engagement and that is completely gone away because everyone's just sitting around playing fortnite watching you porn looking at sitting in air conditioning and drinking energy drinks ironically why are we drinking energy drinks we're sitting around like i'm you know what i'm gonna have this red bull because yesterday i only beat off five times today i'm going for a new personal best so i'm gonna [ __ ] down some rock stuff all right uh we got uh bald brian we got ben shapiro we got teresa strasser who's going to be joining us as well oh they're up there let me see if i can see you guys uh hey guys uh brian can you hear me no we can't hear brian teresa i can hear you i'm happy to see you ben shapiro yeah how's it going dude good um ben uh congratulations on the book i think i checked right before i walked out here number two overall on amazon so it's basically the number two sales book in the uh world right now congratulations i was um how to destroy america in three easy steps and again it's available now and of course the podcast the ben shapiro show uh ben i was listening to the audiobook on the way here and it was quite uh quite enthralling um and i always listen to the podcast so thanks for joining us tonight oh thanks i appreciate it i'm just sad that it came in number two to marry trump's trump abused my dog that came in number one on the new york times bestseller list unfortunately yeah but you know that book sold 950 000 units in pre-sale yep yep i should i definitely should have alleged that trump did something to me when i was a child or something definitely there's some money in that yeah the name of my next book is gonna be called i was raped by donald trump in a locker room shower and then the rest is just gonna be my jokes brian can you hear me now yeah buddy i'm here i'm sorry i was muted i blamed the brain tumor adam rosie the riveter has been replaced by rosie the rioter that's right very good brian come on buddy it's right there uh ben uh you know it's it's funny like i every time i listen to you speak and i was listening to your audiobook uh on the flight in today i just think to myself it's all just so basic it's all for me i just say the world needs to go on a diet and i'm just saying diet and exercise like we need to lose weight and i just say diet and exercise like just drink water start taking walks it's really basic [ __ ] but nobody's down with it they all want something and the stuff you're talking about is is really centuries old is it not yeah i mean it's really basic stuff i mean stuff that we did learn in third grade i mean the declaration of independence is a pretty great document and it really espouses some pretty fantastic ideas and the fact that there are so many people who today want to wreck that document think the ideas are themselves bad it's not just that they think people didn't live up to the ideas they think that the ideas themselves are dangerous and that we should throw away the ideas that the american flag stands for tyranny and racism and bigotry as opposed to the actual history of the united states which is us trying to recognize those declaration ideals over time and stumbling and falling and harming people in the process but eventually getting better at it the fact that we're throwing away the greatest country in the history of the world so we can just be pissed off about things it's really ungrateful i mean it's really damned ungrateful this is the most prosperous country or at least was until the pandemic in the history of the world and the most tolerant country and the country where you had the most opportunity and we're sitting around bitching about our lives in a way that frankly anybody in human history who arrived in america i mean hell even during the panda but before the pandemic in 2020 they would think that they died and went to heaven i mean the average life expectancy he's like 80 years old pick somebody up in 1600 and drop them here and they would literally think that they died and this was now paradise well you know it's it's interesting it's like it's an interesting psychological dynamic which is if you remove all obstacles like if you ostensibly remove obstacles to success in any environment and any time half the people will go good there is no obstacles i shall move forward and i'll move forward at a crazy clip and i'll be as successful as i can as fast as i can the other half of the populace will start looking for obstacles and it's it's a really interesting dynamic like but also i feel like this country is it's just like it's like as if some some rich step dad gave their 17 year old daughter a brand new ferrari and we walked out and there was a bow on the hood and we went oh my god that's so awesome thanks step dad and then three weeks later we were going you know the stereo isn't as good as i thought it would be and then there'd be trash you know in and out burger piled up trash on the passenger floor and we're just like we stopped washing it and we started bitching about it and then we started talking about other countries like all other countries they have maseratis that have warranties and we're like how are we trashing this sort of ferrari of a country and i i get the part where we constantly want to evolve and we want to cure problems and we want to even playing fields but i don't feel like we're moving forward solving problems i feel like we're staring in a rear-view mirror trying to figure out what we can fix from the past that's unfixable because it's already happened thoughts exactly right i do like how your example of like the ultimate perfection is a foreign car it's a foreign car it's italy yeah all right let's say it's a pontiac aztec your dad just got you a canary yellow now we're talking 1896 pontiac aztek and you dare sorry well there's something seductive to the proposition that no matter what goes wrong in your life you can always blame it on something that happened in the past or that is sort of out there in the universe that is not your fault and listen i mean history has consequences of course bad things that happen in the past have an impact on people today nobody's denying that you'd be an idiot to deny that but the question is what can you do right now and what always escapes me in these conversations is what is wrong with the system like right now today and what do you want to fix in the system right now today and what do you intend as an individual human being on doing to raise yourself from the position you are now in right now today and nobody wants to talk about right now today instead people want to talk about like well you remember back during the 1960s remember back during the civil war it's like well yeah we can talk about all that stuff but there's this place that's happening right now it's called 2020 and there's a decision right in front of you right now that's going to make your life better is there a reason why you're not making the decision to make your life better in the here and now as opposed to you know like burning down the police station it seems like that it seems like that's a there's some things you can do to make your life better and if you're not doing those things then you complaining about the system really it's just an excuse for you not to do the things you should be doing i agree yeah put your hands together i i think i sent out a tweet a couple of weeks ago which is like america now is like a marriage and all you do is sit around with your wife and look back at mistakes you made when you were dating and it's like remember that time when you came too fast seven years ago and then that other time you called my sister fat when you were drunk yeah yeah that was 11 years ago how about we add a patio onto our house and get on with our [ __ ] lives before we before we die teresa strasser i feel like i should ask you to weigh in at some point well i appreciate your story about your grandmother's were they married husband um as a hungarian jew myself my great grandfather came over from budapest his name was for some reason hungarians call guys named albert bayla and he came over here he spoke six languages but when he got here he sold fruit from a cart in the bronx and he was happy to do it he was thrilled to be here there are a lot of um immigrants that feel that way yeah my my grandfather's brother was named bayla who uh was in hungary and of course his sister was named bhuji everything in hungary so it has a weird name except for albert evidently and yeah i would kind of just say in terms of uh the theme of beating up on this country if the entire world is trying to get to this country how bad can it really be or let's just say this country is a hellscape what must other countries uh be like sorry i love teresa's but inspirational story but teresa please explain to our san antonio audience what a jew is yeah okay i know you guys are getting jude out because you're seeing ben shapiro he's got a yarmulke and me so jews ben you're an expert on this more than i am i mean if you had a nutshell um we control the weather we control all your finances and we control hollywood and wait a second and international banking oh yeah stand-up comedy so if you if you like your mortgages say thank you now ben um i don't know a lot about jews but this guy here hasn't got his nachos yet could you go ahead and just give the okay so he can get his nachos since you guys in fact control everything oh yeah we control processed cheese there's nothing we don't control from our central headquarters in uh zion i'll get right on it it's friday nights that means that our elders design meetings in about an hour and a half here so you is it there tonight do you do your uh sabbath wait tomorrow's the sabbath what do you do tonight do you do you know it starts tonight it's friday night saturday night so because the bible says and there was evening and there was morning one day there was evening there was morning a second day the jewish day begins at night so sabbath actually begins friday night and then ends after sundown on saturday night do you use the shabbos [ __ ] um well we we we could we we typically have electronic devices we pre-program but yeah the the so-called shabbos [ __ ] is basically uh [ __ ] just means nation in hebrew it just means somebody who's not jewish who comes in and like turns on your fridge if you forget to turn on your fridge or something yeah i think in english we call them mexicans i can't remember though i i gotta look that we gotta look that one up but they come in they do all the stuff we don't wanna do it's the same it's the same basic principle for the uh for the non-chews it's uh i i see i have always been sort of secretly jealous of the sabbath because as an atheist i have no clock and no calendar i can i can literally i remember i was thinking about it when we were flying in today i was thinking about when i used to work at mcdonald's and uh there was one saturday morning when my phone just rang at 7am when i was living at my parents house and i was 16. i was working at mcdonald's and they just called and they go hey somebody dropped out we got a morning breakfast rush we need someone to make egg mcmuffins get get your polyester brown ghee and get the hell down here and i was like okay but i wish i could have said this is my sabbath oh yeah well i mean i'll tell you what in a world of twitter it is the greatest thing that has ever been invented and god knew some things if you believe in him and and when it comes to the idea that you're supposed to take a break from your electronic devices for like 25 hours and never has that been more true than today one of one of the great glories of my life is being able to turn everything off on friday night and then you turn everything back on 25 hours later and it's like that it's like that gif from community with donald glover walking in and just looking around and freaking out because every single thing is on fire and people are flinging sharp objects at one another like what did you guys do while i was gone every sabbath i leave and the world is pretty bad and then i come back 25 hours later and it's significantly worse but can i don't know the rules but can you use your shabbos [ __ ] can you have that guy like could you have a guy look like spicoli holding your phone on saturday morning and you'd be like tell rachel maddow she's a [ __ ] go ahead tweet it out tweet i can't do it but go ahead settler hash could could you do that uh i have you know what i'm not sure they covered that one in the talmud i'm gonna have to check all right check but get back to me though seriously and and i am serious this guy wants his nachos okay uh we have you want to do some blah blah blah all right we'll play in it it's time for blah blah blah the game where we match the celebrity with their [ __ ] online rant let's play so we're gonna have to guess ben and an audience whose online rant this was we'll have three choices i believe go ahead dawson really mlb can't play baseball with all the money and exclusivity and testing in the country and you want me to send my kids to school i feel so bad for the older generation they've fought their entire lives to just chill and enjoy their grandkids and drink mimosas and this happens a botched pandemic response that leaves them vulnerable and alone and don't even get me started with how [ __ ] our priorities are in this country we've got a secret armed police and full-on tactical gear but we don't have enough ppe for our frontline health care workers i mean what in the actual [ __ ] is wrong with us is the patricia arquette deborah messing or alyssa milano um it's tough i it's it's a lot of i don't know this is this is the the messing thing is kind of brian normally has a pretty good read on these brian what are you feeling like well my logic says that the the one line that stuck out to me was the old people drinking mimosas no [ __ ] old person drinks mimosas that's a young person drinking maybe a like a middle aged like care and drink so i'm gonna eliminate debra messing i think she would know that i'm gonna go milano alyssa milano theresa strasser i don't think that actually you know what change my change my answer it's our cat our cat okay okay i don't think debra messing would curse um i'm also going to go our quet ben shapiro i'll make it across the board i also think it's our cat that's a lot of f-bombs for alyssa milano and there are a couple of like three syllable words in there so i'm not sure that alyssa knows those mimosa yeah you're right um i uh i thought arquette is well with all the swearing so let's just go all across the board uh our cat the blog belongs to alyssa milano wow brian i blame you yeah sorry i do too but on the upside i really enjoyed mike dawson's reading of that blog heartfelt all right well we're all tied up i get asked a lot if i ever liked working in hollywood my answer is no i never did it was a means to my end my goals my hollywood was a job filled my hollywood was a job filled with mostly sociopathic predators shooting damaged fish in a barrel we the beautiful ones were the fish we were their targets the truth of it is that the beautiful ones are looked at as the weak gazelles in the herd the ones that limp under the attention they receive it was too much for me look into my eyes ask me again if i liked it no is it rose mcgowan wow denise richards or eliza dushku wow this is tough i have thoughts yeah okay first go ahead i was gonna say like when i was in high school i just thought all the hot chicks had it made i didn't know the hell all the hot chicks we're living in simply by being totally desirable all the time i was un i was completely unaware of this this burden of being hot adam i had the exact same thought i all i wanted to do was be one of the beautiful fish but instead i was one of the gefilte fish [Laughter] uh i think rose mcgowan was the beautiful fish in question she would probably be likely to see things in terms of predators and it was pretty well written actually i i think it's rose rose brian thoughts i can eliminate denise richards for sure because she's on [ __ ] real housewives of beverly hills she is not done with hollywood right i'm gonna actually go with eliza dushku because she specifically mentioned predators and she was a child star she was like a little girl in true lies so i'm just going to lean that way could be mcgowan but i'm going with eliza it's uh ben shapiro i go as well rose mcgowan tends to curse a lot i'm using a lot of the the cursing tell and so far it has worked horribly for me i'll go to school anyway you know i'm wondering like i always try to think why would eliza dushku be on there would she make the cut would she be on the list if it in fact it wasn't her because it sounds like kind of a deep dive i'm gonna go eliza dushku as well we've got a lot of dushku fans here the blog belongs to rose mcgowan god damn it why do we play this game night after night reflect on well i will say this if anybody listens to the podcast with any regularity at all you will know thank you you know without a shadow of a doubt that there is no cheating or peaking going on with the guy who hosts the podcast because i fail miserably at every single one of these games and there's no possible way i could cheat and fail miserably simultaneously are we are we all over two now no teresa got that one teresa got that one all right teresa you're in the cat bird seat reflect on what today should mean to all of us right now it's so important to keep up the momentum of anti-racist conversations actions and of course to stay safe let's celebrate the america we are building with progress tolerance and love is it paula abdul eva longoria or lady gaga i do uh i do like the fact that we say the word tolerance every 15 minutes in this country i i feel like i have tolerance for every race in this country but i don't have tolerance for shitty drivers like that's for me it's it's it's not race it's more the race like trying to get to work and your [ __ ] asses in front of me but really the only group that i'm not tolerant of is shitty drivers every other group i'm fine with all right uh should we hit brian first what do you think uh teresa's go first he's in the lead all right teresa good i don't know why but the syntax just sort of screamed lady gaga and so did your audience so i'm going gaga um damn it yeah i'm going god god too all right i may as well go for three i'm gonna go eva longoria i i i feel i've i've rem i've removed paula abdul from this uh group i did have a bizarre paula abdul encounter once i was getting on a plane in lax and i was in first class and i was walking past what was clearly paula abdul in first class and i was thinking to myself holy [ __ ] that's paula abdul and she looked at me and she went hey i have someone who wants to talk to you and i said you do and she handed me her phone and i said hello and it was mike august the guy i flew over here she was on the phone with mike august when i walked onto a plane and she said oh my god this adam corolla just walked on this plane and mike said let me talk to him and paul abdul handed me her phone so um that's how big a c-list celebrity i am i think i'm gonna go it could be lady gaga but i'm gonna go eva longoria as well i feel like she's getting into her her activism stage and i'm gonna go with eva tough round the blog belongs to paula i do love paula have y'all seen the commercial where current paula is dancing with paula of 20 years ago yeah i know and then soon we'll just license her family so she can dance with a mop like later on like fred astaire did yes i have seen the commercial where she does the same moves that she did in the in the video but she does them now but what is that for is that for some sort of muscle relaxer or all right or like uh diaper or hamburger right psoriasis cream is this like they always do like every single one of those commercials is like don't let the heartache of psoriasis slow you down and then they show them dancing or holding up their grandkids i don't think i'll ever love my grandkids as much as those people love them in the commercials i'll never [ __ ] hold them up and go thank god i can see my move with my grandkids would be like hey you're [ __ ] blocking the tv come on get it out move it on over play with blocks somewhere else all right this is pathetic so we're all over three and teresa's one wait that is correct jesus christ teresa with a commanding one-nothing lead after three rounds yeah here we go injustice festers it is not a matter of who is to blame we are all responsible we can't do the same yet the same we did yesterday and expect tomorrow to be better than today we must rise in activism rise in struggle rise in love we cannot adapt to injustice we must be maladaptive peace is not the absence of tension it is the presence of justice we must assume responsibility for disturbing a false peace in order to establish a true justice is it cory booker corbyn i it could be jada i i is there a worse rap name than common like what it's common common is is not like like there's some good rap names out there but um you know snoop dogg is strong and there's some good strong rap names out there but comment just sounds like why don't you just call yourself fair middling like her adam he should be on the cover of that magazine okay yeah that's right what's your rap name above average my friends call me c-plus i was going by ordinary but you know it got a little boring yeah i was thinking of going with camry but um what the [ __ ] why are you going with a comet all right he's a proud man i uh i wish i was that proud i wish i was proud enough to write poetry i really can't i can't do it i would i feel like there's two things i can't do as an adult i can't write poetry and i can't wear cowboy boots i feel like somebody i went to high school with would go hey get the [ __ ] back in the house so i would be scared you have never written a poem for lynette ever uh no i've never i've never written a poem i did own a pair of black cowboy boots one time because a guy there was a guy i worked with i evidently they make your ass look better but only to dudes so so you and me you and me and theresa worked with a guy like that i i worked with a guy in always better closets when i used to work at a custom closet store in a factory in burbank california and this dude's name was kelly and he was from durango colorado i see i guess if you're from durango colorado your grandfathered in on the cowboy boots and he wore cowboy boots and he was like the reason you never get laid is because you don't have cowboy boots and i'm like okay and i mean this was like a durable good purchase for me this was like 77 worth of cowboy boots when my net worth was like a hundred and fifty dollars and i wore these black cowboy boots and i still didn't get laid and i wrote a poetry i wrote a poem that night about beating off i remember it right how'd it go all right so common who are they i can't see over here we got common who are we jada and cory booker pinkett smith and cory booker jade is like super proud how about that red table talk she had with will smith the other day where she was just talking about banging some other dude uncomfortable yeah i gotta say like i haven't had any of those conversations with my wife thankfully but uh brian ben teresa syracuse everyone's married here if if your wife or husband said i want to sit down and talk to you about banging somebody outside of this marriage would you go hold on let me set up the camera yeah let's let's make this worldwide yeah i would say uh why don't we just put a burlap sack on our head and you can tell it to me outside once the street lights come on like i wouldn't feel like i'd want to film that but okay super is the one stone adam here's what you do if you find yourself in that situation say lynette um roses are red my boots are black guess what i was doing behind your back wow oh pretty good um all right so uh let's see teresa you're in the lead why don't you go first yeah for no reason really i'm going with cory booker cory booker he's proud hey dawson point point of information question for you if you're still there did the tweets say uh we must be maladaptive or we must not be maladaptive because that's a big difference weed says we cannot adapt to injustice we must be maladaptive to injustice [ __ ] i want to go cory booker too no i'll go common you go with common ben i i don't think it's mr potato head cory booker who always brings his angry eyes to all of his hearings i'm i'm gonna go comment and just a quick note whenever somebody says we're all responsible for a problem you know they're full of [ __ ] as soon as someone says we are all responsible that is code four i am definitely not responsible because i just said we're all responsible which means all of you are responsible and i'm the good one for saying it so uh we got uh teresa with cool wait sorry you want me i got corey all right i'm gonna go jada she's super proud although is she yeah i'm going no i'm going cory booker sorry i'm with corey on this one the blog belongs to cory booker so now what's the goddamn score terrifica has two adam has won ben and bald are off the board we have one more blog all right well let's just say whoever wins this one will just be the grand champion all right theresa strasser let's do it that way all right fair enough i like these odds basically like when i play one-on-one basketball and i'm down by 29 points and somebody goes it's time to eat i go all right next bucket wins that's what this is i'm good with it here we go here we go keep thinking about how when i was young and doing a photo shoot per week so many photographers asked me to keep my mouth open and just look less severe i look back at those pics and regret agreeing to look weaker than i was don't let anyone convince you to forfeit your power is it olivia wilde gabrielle union or christina applegate what's the part about keeping your mouth open or closed i don't know what the aesthetic of that is um i open my mouth to breathe and so everyone thinks i'm stupid so but that that's i have a deviated septum i got to get air into my lungs what do you want me to do i i don't i don't like this uh to be saddled with this title of stupid just because i'm a mouth breather the knuckle dragging part i get all right teresa strasser you want to go or you want me to go okay olivia wilde was i have a soft spot for her because i love the movie she directed bald brian leno was it book smart book smart is great it was so great and it's easy to believe that she was a model and told to keep her mouth open so uh i think i'm gonna go with her i heard gabby union talking or gabriel union talking about getting fired from like you know america's next top dancer model singer person or while you were gay or one of those shows i don't know what what was your show was it america's got talent right yeah america's got talent oh that's right that's right talking about getting fired from america's got talent and first things first have you ever heard more complaining from a group of people that work in air conditioning around free food because i can tell you what hollywood is it's all air conditioning and free food and everyone just [ __ ] complains if you guys just worked in air conditioning with a never-ending buffet you'd never stop thanking whoever laid that out but the hollywood actors are the worst people in the world because they sit in a place they work in an air-conditioned horn of plenty it's essentially that's like owning a golden corral and getting 50 grand a week and you have the temerity to complain but gabby union was being interviewed and she was talking about getting [ __ ] canned and then reclaiming her power so i'm going to say gabby union on this one i'm going to continue explain it a lot and then get it completely wrong um because christine applegate was a celebrity since she was a kid there's no way someone would say this to a celebrity on the set probably someone is like with her like her agent or whatever so that's she's out i'm totally with her theresa but olivia wilde her default look is like fierce and smoldering and i'm thinking i think she was a model at some point so uh everything adds up for olivia wilde ben shapiro and bald brian even though you've been mathematically eliminated i'll go gabby union this is one of those like in junior high when you're running for treasurer and you're giving a speech you go even though i'm running unopposed i still need your vote i was 13. i was like vote for yourself [ __ ] and your win by a landslide you're running on a post sorry ben and i'll go gather union for the same reason wasn't didn't you just make a bunch of allegations of racial discrimination on the set and america's got talent and then they did like a full investigation and they found that it wasn't really the case so she's been doing a lot of the from from what i understand for the same reason she's been doing a lot of the i've been victimized by hollywood routines i'll say gabby union okay the answer dawson the blog belongs to olivia wilde teresa strasser for the win until next time keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round of blah blah blah i really successfully talked myself into thinking i was right before i was wrong it's not your fault you got one right dude i got every zero right zero right brian did you go over did you get oh you got olivia you got the last one i just got destroyed a paradigm victory ben i would argue in your defense that it takes almost as much skill to go over five i've always said it make a movie on rotten tomatoes it gets zero percent i think that's just as tall orders getting one that gets a hundred percent right i'm just i'm just going to claim that i spend all my time reading plato in aristotle and i have no time for these celebrity wannabes the book how to destroy america and three easy steps is available now on amazon of course the podcast the ben shapiro show as well and the website the daily wire dailywire.com is where you go ben shapiro thank you so much for joining us tonight thanks adam oh right let's see we got the news and teresa strasser's got the news uh cooked up for us let me just hit a quick spot here let me hit butcher box yeah not a lot of vegans in this crowd hard to find 100 percent grass-fed and finished beef free-range organic chicken heritage breed pork wild caught salmon you don't find that stuff at the grocery store you get it at butcher box i bring it right to your house one less grocery store trip to make i think we've all figured out that we don't want to go to the grocery store and wait in line and plus half the time you go out in public everyone's having a some middle aged broad's having a meltdown in the frozen food section save the heartache man let's go with butcher box i use these guys i'm i eat uh what i have last i had the chicken last but the the pork chops are great because they're like the old school they're marbled with the fat they're the ones you remember when you were growing up it's easy each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat enough for 24 individual meals around just six bucks a meal package fresh shipped frozen vacuum sealed free shipping nationwide and uh you just go to butcherbox.com adam they'll save the money they'll send it out to you butcherbox.com adam all right should we do the news let's do it let's do the news yeah the nba officially restarted its season last night the nba was the only sports league that had an existing rule requiring athletes to stand for the national anthem and for that reason it didn't really get pulled into the colin kaepernick kneeling controversy back in 2016. but the racial unrest this spring changed all that the nba restarted in its bubble in orlando last night and there were two games the jazz versus the pelicans and the lakers versus the clippers and during both national anthems everyone on the court kneeled every player every coach even the refs nba commissioner adam silver is fine with it afterward he said quote i respect our team's unified act of peaceful protest for social justice and under these unique circumstances will not enforce our long-standing rule requiring standing during the playing of our national anthem what percentage like when you think about the refs like what percentage of the people are really down with the cause versus scared shitless they're just gonna be shouted out of the bubble or attacked on twitter because i feel like there's a handful that are down with the cause and then a larger majority that are just like i just want to leave the bubble and hug my kids at some point and by the way do the refs have to live in the bubble everyone has to live in the bubble right how could the ref i assume yeah not live in the bubble i see so from what i understand there are levels of bubble for example certain media who are in the bubble are like yellow so they can go into certain restricted areas but not the most restricted areas but so far the bubble has been very effective soccer has been in the bubble i think you know they've done a good job containing it meanwhile baseball out of the bubble a lot of problems as you know the marlins had 17 cases and then the phillies have had many cases it was all like day three or might have been day two who knows it was like the first or second or third day i'd like i i i'd like soccer to stay in the bubble for as long as humanly possible like i just feel like stan soccer so i i the i love them in the bubble baseball i don't mind in the bubble basketball i mean i i think the the the moral the story is like my son was watching the game last night i was watching the highlights evidently all the stuff we thought we needed we don't really need anymore right like fans are sort of like the parsley by the side of the plate when you go to a diner like for the first 30 years of my life there was a sprig of parsley and i'd be like what do we do with the parsley like we need to have it there okay that's the way we do it and then one day the parsley was gone and nobody noticed so all the rules that we have about you know the crowd and are these guys going to be motivated and how can they play and they won't be able to do it whatever it is evidently we don't need anybody it's really it's loosely the relationship i have with my family was as it turns out i just left and i didn't really need him now i'm in the bubble who's the parsley in that metaphor i i would go ahead and say is parsley a vegetable because i'd like to i would characterize my parents as vegetables and i don't want to bump them up to something noble like they're zucchini leafy greens yes they're garnish the garnish level vegetables well somebody none of us wants in the bubble friend of the show and great actor brian cranston from breaking bad as you all have probably heard by now he released a video on social media announcing that he was diagnosed with covid19 he said quote a little while ago he said he was very lucky that he had only had very mild symptoms the point of the video was to highlight the importance of donating plasma to help others he even shows footage of himself at the ucla blood and platelet center in the caption he said quote you're probably feeling a little tied down restricting your mobility and like me you are tired of this well i just want to encourage you to have a little more patience i was pretty strict in adhering to the protocols and i still i contracted this virus yep i urge you to keep wearing the damn mask keep washing your hands and stay socially distant we can prevail but only if we follow the rules together so i saw brian yesterday was it yesterday brian he was in your studio uh either yesterday before well the last time we recorded it was yesterday was it yesterday yeah i'm sorry everything's you know when you drink on a private jet the calendar gets a boy flurries man of the people i saw brian yesterday and he was in uh my studio he was filming because he was uh we're working on a documentary about mad magazine and he read mad magazine a lot so we're asking people i know to talk about mad magazine so brian was in my studio yesterday being filmed and then i came in and talked to him for a while and i think we did like the fist bump or something and he wasn't wearing a mask and i wasn't wearing a mask and then i woke up this morning and there's an email that said brian cranston has cove at 19. i was like oh [ __ ] i gotta i gotta fog the joint now because cranston was in there yesterday but i didn't know it was a story about him having it two months ago or whatever and i gotta tell you though like i'm an i'm not a responsible person so when people say to me uh hey man i played by the rules like i wash my hands i socially distanced i put a mask on and i still got it i hear oh well then [ __ ] it let's go like let's party like to me i hear those i hear those stories the way like when they go agnes lived to a hundred and eleven years old every day she started off with a shot at jack daniels in a chesterfield i'm like oh okay cool now we can all smoke and drink i don't hear the opposite story so these stories of i followed all the rules and i got it anyway i just translate into hey suckers why are you following the rules so cranston is giving his platelets and we can use what do we do do we get a vaccine out of that or we use it to immunize people so they're asking people who've had coven 19 to do to donate what's called convalescent plasma and they're doing a lot of research to find out if they can treat uh people who have contracted coronavirus with this plasma so as many people that can donate it uh that helps with all their tests i don't want to uh i don't want to besmirch the man he's a good man but i know cranston pretty well he likes good publicity he also likes free toll house cookies and orange juice were they giving that [ __ ] out because i don't know that he ever had this what you're saying is this was a ruse for the free juice and cookies and the very favorable publicity like good ink meets toll house cookies and fresh pressed orange juice i'm not saying he didn't do it or didn't have it but it is kind of i like when people say i'm not saying that's what you're saying by your tone i'm not saying cranston didn't have government 19. but i'm saying that i'm calling a man a liar okay i've got a story about a guy who didn't not know he shouldn't masturbate in his car after his shift at hungry howie's but he did shift where where was the shift do you guys have hungry howie's pizza we have that oh we don't have a hungry house oh my kids love horny cows well that's what it is on tuesday night a woman in fruitland park florida pulled into a spot next to a 1996 honda civic i include the car for you adam because i know that helps you to understand the type of picture yeah god i hope it wasn't a velour interior but keep going you want naugahyde if you're gonna beat off in that sled you want rubber floor mats you want the weathertech floor mats and you want the naugahyde you don't want the velour and the carpet you just don't sorry go ahead he's in a convenience store parking lot and a a woman noticed a guy inside the car was moving his hand back and forth the woman turned out to be an off-duty cop so she took down his license plate and she called some on duty cops and they tracked down this 22 year old stephen donovan at his home he admitted what he had been doing and his excuse was that he thought it was legal to pleasure yourself in your car it is not when they ask teresa asking for a friend is this just florida or this extent to other states i'm asking for a friend too what if you have a limo tin if i got a limo tint if i got a 33 tin i mean my friend sorry if my friend has a limo style tint on that passenger side window is that still a crime i don't think so i mean he doesn't think so when he went home this guy's 22 he went home to his girlfriend who's 20 and by the way the car's registrant so that's very awkward all right but wait a minute let me say this this guy beats off at a papa john's or something what was that he he was working at the hungry howie's but he was actually caught masturbating at the circle k parking lot after his shift yeah it's the circle jerk parking lot okay the circle jack my thing is is if i get busted for masturbating while i'm masturbating i deny it yeah if you bust me for masturbating 45 minutes later when my dick is in my sweats i really deny it prove it actually sort of impressed how they went about it they so they checked his license plate and then they went to the residence and then they asked were you in the parking lot of circle k at this time and he said yes so at that point he had incriminated himself because the woman had already seen him with his genitals out and she was an off-duty cop uh so he placed himself at the scene of the masturbation and at that point he was taken away he had an itch yeah he had to scratch it yeah gary gus could got him off pardon the pun and what kind of chalk outline do we put around that crime scene teresa strasser let's do a little role playing here's right be the world's i'd be the world's worst cop because you couldn't get me to do anything especially as it pertained to this [ __ ] so you'd be the female cop who caught this guy beating off in the parking lot you're telling me to roll on it by telling me his license plate uh i got to give you the the plate number yeah you can make that up it might get up yeah okay it's uh anyone in the audience has it memorized i don't want to i don't want to break down the fourth wall here but it's a personalized plate heart jerking yeah that's right h r t j k well now we're doing role playing now you got a call you got to blow a call in oh for god's sakes here's me trying to do an improv uh okay oh you know what i do have the plate i've got to call in a plate there's a situation a man is masturbating in a honda civic license plate j-a-c-r-o i don't know who this is who what she cop is this hello it's it's officer strasser i i i've been oh five years you know me yeah yeah where do you went uh a man is masturbating he's exposing his genitals he's in a honda civic i'm done masturbating i don't know what you're talking about there's nothing going on here i'm just sitting in my car listening to yacht rock no i'm talking about a perpetrator in the parking lot of circle k he is exposing his genitals unlawfully and i need you to track down his license please did he rob the circle k his genitals are out in the parking lot he is masturbating in a public place in his could you please you want me to roll on this call we got the courthouse on fire in portland we got antifa doing battle with black lives matter we got fellow officers with their cars burning having frozen bottles thrown at them and tear gas canisters kicked back them and you want me to roll on a guy who was beating off in a honda it's j a j yeah hold on let me go let me get my invisible pan out hold on let me get wonder woman's pen out go ahead i'm going to write this down go ahead j a c r o j is in pat nada go ahead go ahead i know these are recorded go ahead i'll write it down the man is masturbating in his car families could be walking by it's a circle k i need you to take down the plate and roll on this call you want me but you want me to come to the circle k or you want me to run the plate and go to his home and then what kicking front door do a shoulder roll come up with my glock and yell no time for backup [Applause] i think i'm [ __ ] tj hooker over here the [ __ ] town is burning and you're looking for guys that are beating off in a parking lot are you on duty actually i'm off duty why don't you mine your own [ __ ] beeswax i'm off duty 16 hours a day you don't see me walking around looking for guys that are beating off i mind my [ __ ] own business i'm here to protect and serve i'm glad your head is on a swivel looking for guys pleasuring themselves in a honda but uh how about you [ __ ] get uh caught up on uh whatever whatever's on netflix and leave society alone this is my job i took an oath to protect and serve are you going to take to work eight hours a day not to never stop looking for god did you think i took an oath to bus guys that are beating off and by the way what shall i do every time i'm a mid-stroke and i look up in the mirror throw some [ __ ] zip ties on myself i feed off earlier today was it in your car sir it was but the car was in the garage i do have some dignity i'm sorry what was the license plate again j a c r o c a c as in jack you got to that actually is the plate number well i'll tell you what i'll do i'm gonna commandeer that uh armored vehicle that daryl gates would use to knock down crack houses in los angeles circa 1985. i'll tell you what i'm gonna get a whole [ __ ] swat team i'm gonna get the group that rolled on roger stone's house four months ago i'm gonna get an amphibious boat i'm gonna get uh i'm gonna get a battle tested armored humvee and i'm gonna get an entire swat team and we're gonna roll on this guy's hunt i'm gonna have guys rappelling down from this guy's apartment building and we're going to go in with a couple of flash grenades it's going to be like radon and tebby and i'll bust this guy and i'll put him in the drunk tank and when he wants to know why i did it i'll tell him because you couldn't [ __ ] mind your own beeswax can i speak to your commanding officer please feel that we're not communicating he's beating off right now what's this guy's plate again j-a-c-r-o-6 that is his plate what color is the honda brown brown 1996 honda civic is it is it automatic i don't know well you can't tell me whether it's a standard or automatic i'm not going to roll on this one hey next time you're off duty how about you go out to the [ __ ] driving range and hit a bucket of balls instead of running around looking for citizens beating off lawfully in their own honda i wasn't looking for the honda masturbator he found me i understand you're looking at this as a calling but what i'm saying is all right and seen i think you guys got the idea of it theresa how close were you doing sorry how close were your two young boys during that whole exchange thank god they weren't so close here's why i'd be a horrible stop because i just go yeah i'll go by this guy's house and then i would never go by the guy's house and then i just go yeah i drove by i didn't see a honda so uh i just called it a night all right what else let's do one more teresa strasser oh well here's another pizza related story this out of new zealand where by the way 250 000 u.s natives have flocked to that country's official immigration website a lot of americans thinking about new zealand moving to new zealand this is about domino's pizza in new zealand they had to drop a promotion offering free pizza to women named karen after it was met with backlash as you know in recent years the name karen let me say this about this country we do that thing every once in a while we're like you know what this is a racist hellscape and we got to get out of here we're going to a different country i'm going to apply for citizenship in a different country but we our next step is what is the widest place i can go to new zealand is the whitest place whitey can flee to so maybe we're not as woke as we claim to be but go ahead the name karen has been used as an insult to describe white middle-aged women who are perceived to be obnoxious or racist the pizza's franchise franchise's new zealand arm initially said it wanted to give quote nice karen's a break from negativity but some said it was tone deaf and ignored more important issues and quote rewarded privilege so what was the offer there was a giveaway titled calling all nice karen's it was posted on the pizza chains australian and new zealand pages and it asked those named karen to tell dominoes in 250 words how they were one of the quote nice ones they said they say this hold on a second you gotta ask yourself i feel the same way about people who are eating at denny's on their birthday like i get it you get a free omelette but you're 47 years old what has gone wrong in your life that you're a cap like i'm gonna write a three-page letter so i can get a six dollar pizza for free like at a certain point your time becomes worth something right is this all in the pursuit of a free pizza it is so maybe the problem of your name being karen it doesn't crack the top 50 of your issues yeah i thought and by the way if your name is karen it means you're a white chick who's got privilege what do you need a free world shittiest pizza adam new zealand poor you have encapsulated the backlash that happened in new zealand that's what people said they said why are you giving stuff to karen's who already have stuff they are saying our intention was one of inclusivity only which is why we removed the post in new zealand and issued an apology uh some of the people on twitter said that dominos should find more worthy causes people who actually need it like those who are homeless and have no food security all right first things nobody really needs a pizza you're just stoned drunk or high and you want a pizza number one number two i do love this sort of vague like you shouldn't be doing this you should be giving that pizza to the homeless what do you want dominos to do just go out find a homeless encampment and start tossing those things out like like they're playing ring toss like i mean the alternative is something they're never going to engage in so it's it's futile but it turns out everyone is a douchebag and the computer has weaponized all our douchebaggery and anyone who tries to do anything now we just jump on it and go you should have never you have to understand that that's insensitive and you got to hear what that's a tone deaf i'm so tired of people saying everything is tone deaf leave alone let them give away their pizzas and by the way you know the real hero of today is trader joe's because trader joe's run [ __ ] it we're gonna go with the traitor jose taco shell and you guys can all pound sand [ __ ] giuseppe's uh italian sauce yes it's fine nobody's offended this is some 17 year old trying to [ __ ] get everyone to bow to her in the bay area or wherever the hell she was from and [ __ ] you sweetheart go back to whatever climb in whatever hole you came from trader joe's is sticking with their names okay um i'm gonna bid adieu to oh well let's let's do do we have an outro do we have another resistor i'm theresa strassa that's the new scope oh teresa strausster and the news [ __ ] you cnn thank you bald brian thank you teresa strasser i will uh conclude the show with a little uh adam carol as unprepared so if you have a subject hopefully one word and you spit it out i can do i shouldn't say spit it out with this whole covet thing going on out there but yeshua suggests the one word and i will do an improv stand-up bit on that this guy's raising his hand what do you got wisconsin i just got back from wisconsin is that why you want to go with the cons wisconsin i'll tell you this um los angeles is like a dumpster fire now in terms of what is going on and i don't know why but you know some great i don't know french philosopher once said you can judge a society by its prisons and i'll take that a step further and say you can judge a city by its freeway on ramps because whenever i travel and i just got back from wisconsin i was driving back from uh snap-on tools right is that wisconsin right i love snap-on i try macbook and all i ever do is go holy [ __ ] look at these on-ramps wow there's no graffiti there's no homeless there's no garbage there's no shopping carts i don't know how we get shopping carts everywhere in los angeles there's no more range for a shopping cart in los angeles like there are shopping carts 40 nautical miles from the closest ralph's in los angeles they're just there they're just like shopping carts everywhere garbage everywhere graffiti everywhere trash everywhere homeless everywhere dirt and weeds everywhere that is los angeles and when i travel and i i was taking pictures of it if i had my phone on me i would show you pictures of wisconsin on ramps where i was like oh my god it looks like a golf resort it's so green there's nothing the hardscaping looked great the softscaping looked great the landscaping looked great it all looked amazing and that's all i do is all i did was hang my head out of the window like a golden retriever wagging my tongue and marveling at how amazing the wisconsin on ramps were and poor chris who has to travel with me always just hears me go look at that on-ramp look at it why can't we do these on-ramps like i would if if this was my daughter she would have an eating disorder because all i do is why can't you be like wisconsin they got their [ __ ] together over there i also then saw a truck that was driving on the on-ramp where the entire side of the truck had been eaten by rust and i thought hmm maybe california's not so bad because this guy it was like one of those cartoons where the guy lives in a log cabin and the termites just buzzed through it and it falls and before you know they eat his stool and he falls on the ground you guys got a rust problem over there in wisconsin because i was driving next to a guy in a dodge truck and the whole side of the truck was literally gone it looked like one of those models like here's the cutaway so you can actually see how the driveline works like i was like wow i can see the pistons going up and down in the engine block because rust had eaten through i could see the transmission gears turning i saw the differentials like this guy's entire truck had been devoured by rust i i i guess um i guess the great uh the great neil young had it right and that uh russ never sleeps all right uh dr dr fauci all right we got dr fauci and then we'll go with car pain but that could have been inspired by my rust yes uh fauci i was uh i was watching fauci on uh he was he was trending today right because uh jim jordan was saying to him uh hey uh fauci what's going on with the covet 19. what should we avoid and he's like you got to avoid crowds you got to avoid going outside you got to avoid going outside in a crowd and jim jordan's like okay so what's your thoughts about uh protesters and he's like uh no problemo and he's like well wait a minute i thought being in a crowd was a bad thing and he's like look being in a crowd is a bad thing he then he goes so do you want to outlaw protesting and he goes uh just being in a crowd is a bad thing and jim jordan kept pushing him and he kept going but is protesting do you want to outlaw protesting and fouchy wouldn't say a [ __ ] word about protesters and that's when i realized oh we junk we jumped the shark and here's the thing i don't want to go full political but everyone has a [ __ ] agenda now everyone has an agenda and fouchy not saying yes protesting is bad well what what fauci did is fauci goes being outside and being in a group is bad and then jordan said so you'll condemn protesting and he wouldn't condemn protesting which means fouchy jumped the shark and i no longer have to listen to what that [ __ ] guy says anymore because he showed his hand if he was consistent if we were just and [ __ ] all these guys we're following the science just follow the science all right fouchy just follow the science you condemned being outside in large groups so condemn protesters because i'm doing your own you just do your own math you condemned it now you condemn being outside in large groups let me explain what a protest is it's being outside in a large group have you ever seen a three-person protest where everyone was just spread out no and if you did you didn't recognize it because you can't recognize a spread out sparse protest so fauci would not condemn protesters and listen i don't care i just got on a plane and came to texas i'm not wearing a mask like i don't i don't if you want to protest protest i'm just saying spare me your [ __ ] lectures i don't want to hear it don't [ __ ] give me the lectures about you can't go to the beach and you know you can't what if you lay down on the beach and you can't go on the boardwalk and you can't go to the gym i got i came to [ __ ] texas for a second time to get a haircut i i live in los angeles i cannot get a haircut in los angeles i am going to get a haircut tomorrow for the second time i came to houston six weeks ago to get a haircut and i'm now coming to san antonio to get my second haircut but all i'm saying is is okay i can't go to a fantastic sam's in burbank and the beach is closed and i can't go to a church not that i was going anywhere just trying to score some religious points i can't go to a bar i can't go to a movie theater i can't walk on the beach and i can't walk on the boardwalk fine fine you've condemned it all but protesting that's everyone's right [ __ ] you i'm not listening to you anymore you're not being consistent that's what i'm saying this is basically this is the parent smoking a cigarette telling you candy's bad for you i'm not listening pops so fouchy uh have fun but you've made it on to my [ __ ] list you made it onto the list of people who have now politicized this thing and there was a way to do it you could have said going outdoors and being in a group is dangerous and if protesting means going outdoors and being in a group then of course i'm against it because i'm being consistent but now i understand what you're doing and i get it but also understand i don't have to listen to you anymore because everything's being pushed through a political filter with you all right let's do one more i don't want to do what remodeling or what remodeling while married you've probably been through this here's a beauty of being of remodeling while married which let's all i've done all i do is remodel [ __ ] i ditch i'm a remodeling machine i there's a doppelganger of me back in los angeles hanging drywall right now so my wife won't get suspicious and know where i've left the house that's all i do is remodel [ __ ] and the problem is is when all you do is remodel [ __ ] then the woman you live with thinks that's what you love to do so she doesn't understand how hard you work at it so she never [ __ ] appreciates it and so you're in there i remember i was putting down epoxy flooring [ __ ] i was like rolling on epoxy flooring for an entire day like 10 hours of putting on epoxy flooring and at some point at the end of the day my wife comes walking in and goes after getting her [ __ ] cuticles pushed and eating at the panda express she comes like walking in and she goes like oh it smells right it smells like epoxy because i've been [ __ ] rolling out epoxy for 10 hours and oh the kids something with the kids and the way it smells we're gonna go watch pay-per-view in the other room and shut the door because it smells in here it smells like progress [ __ ] that's what i'm saying it smells like victory yes and i i would i would say by the same token for the guys who just do the remodeling constantly and also let's be consistent if you're gonna complain all [ __ ] day about the remodel as soon as the paint's dried you're not allowed to flop in the room and watch tv that i've been remodeling all [ __ ] week right my wife and kids are like oh what's always something going on i built a theater in my house they were complaining about the theater for three months as soon as the theater was done they're all [ __ ] sitting in it watching movies but i guess so it's like guys let me explain something people say to me all the time you like remodeling i don't like remodeling i do remodeling i like a blow job in lasagna i wanna i'm gonna get a blow job i want to get a a helmet plate i would have got a plate with a chin strap on it trying to work this one out that's what i want to do i'm going to watch sportscenter put the helmet plate on get a [ __ ] and eat lasagna while i'm watching sportscenter that's what i want to do but what's best for the families i do the remod and speaking of lasagna we should give women a little credit too because guys it's a two-way street we coming to the kids we go oh she loves making food and then we walk into the next thing she doesn't love it she's doing it for family and it's satisfying to her so you should say thank you for the lasagna and she should say thank you for the remod thank you oh i got one more uh spot here don't i oh well speaking of remods jb well that's what i wanted to say you got your diy projects out there i would suggest jb weld i like a two-part epoxy well actually i think all epoxy's two part right this guy runs a collision center in houston so he knows he's a tech rap but he knows he knows the a and the b he knows uh he knows epoxy and also they do a super weld which is a quick glue well as as well jb weld i know these guys i ran into them at uh sema when i was there for the automotive thing and they're good dudes they've been around for over 50 years and uh they don't just glue it they jb weld it and by the way ordinary household glue starts with the word ordinary you need something better you need jb weld is available at jbweld.com home depot lowe's autozone advanced auto parts o'reilly walmart amazon and michaels it is jb wealth hey i want to thank you guys for coming out tonight i appreciate that [Applause] i want to thank ben shapiro for joining us tonight i want to thank teresa strasser i want to thank bold brian i think dawson and chris laxamana until next time this adam corolla say it [Applause] [Music] mahalo keep it going for adam corolla

Channel: Adam Carolla

Views: 127,564

Keywords: Adam Carolla, Stand-Up, comedy, live, funny, jimmy kimmel, loveline, man show, corolla, adam, improv, joke

Id: lNVLgqYTQmA

Length: 92min 10sec (5530 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 02 2020