Beach Dolls: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)

hi there internet i'm john oliver and we're off this week but i wanted to come back uh to talk to you anyway specifically about the beach why it's beach season y'all and you know what that means don't you it's time to slap on your sunscreen put on your uv blocking turtleneck curl into a ball so to expose as little surface area as possible to the sun and take in those rays while counting down the minutes until you're allowed to go back inside there's just nothing like the beach is there gang but i'm afraid i have some bad news for you because this beach season has already developed a serious problem specifically along a roughly 40 mile stretch in south texas please take a look washing up with the high tide is something that is turning heads and sparking reactions like this i think it's very freaky dozens of dolls and doll parts found stuck in the sand along the south texas coastline if you plan to head out to the beach watch where you step because something might already be watching you burn them burn them now i hate those dolls i hate them so much i am here talking to you about that in a week that we are off exclusively because i hate them though before i do that i do have to very quickly give props to the local news production team there that put that segment together because that piano music was both spooky and perfect and it is the kind of attention to detail that really sets k triple i apart from your peers i've always said that but to get back to my main point i hate those dolls i mean look at this one look at this green war paint look at these blank eyes look at the skull and crossbones drawn on its chest what does it want what does it know this doll alone would already be an emergency if it were just this one doll that had washed up i would still be doing this video to alert people to a gigantic problem but apparently according to the mission aransas national estuarine research reserve more and more of these demon dolls are now being found and all the time its researchers normally survey this particular stretch of beach looking for creatures like sea turtles but listen to his director explain what they've been finding instead sometimes it's got barnacles coming out of the eyes or the hairs just halfway falling off you know stuff kind of what nightmares are made out of i hate it i hate it so much look if you would ask me 15 seconds ago what is the scientific opposite of a sea turtle i'd have had a few answers for you i might have said tortoise first you know because it's basically a land turtle right kind of like left is the opposite of right but they're both directions you know or you know i might have said hummingbird because it doesn't swim does it it flies and also it's fast where turtles for the purpose of my thought experiment right now are slow or you know i might have even said something like a tree land thing not an animal good opposite but now i know that the precise opposite of a sea turtle is this which is by the way very clearly a sex doll i get why the local news didn't want to say it but somebody has to that doll is different than the others in a meaningful practical way the point is apparently 30 of these dolls 30 have now been found and if you like me were wondering why why are so many of them washing up on the shore well that director that you saw earlier has half of an answer for you it has to do with the loop current that goes around mexico and up the east coast of florida and we get these eddies that come off of there and anything that's in that current gets pushed up on the texas coast oh right yeah yeah except that's not what anybody cares about i could not give a about your unique loop currents no one cares how the dolls got here they want to know where the they came from and the longer that no one answers that question the more i think you're covering something up apparently experts say it is unknowable that these dolls could actually be coming from anywhere in the world and now i am very worried that each and every one of them is coming from a little girl who is 4 000 years old lives on a floating victorian house that haunts the gulf and holds the devil in her little heart and if you saw more of these dolls you would believe the same now while it brings me absolutely no pleasure to do this i am now about to show you more of them and at this point i would advise you to leave get out of here click out of this video and look up i don't know an architectural digest tour of jessica alba's third most light-filled brownstone leave me here and never look back save yourself right now and for anybody who has stayed this is now on you because i'm about to give you a baby parade that you are going to regret seeing there is as we've already seen green pirate baby which in an extremely anonymous ominous sign seems to be growing larger there is also my personal enemy barnacle baby now you might think that that's just sand and debris on the rest of its head but if you take a close look you'll see it's actually even more barnacles growing out of it you know it's like when wasp eggs hatch inside of spiders and eat them from the inside out except somehow much worse next there's barnacle baby number two now this one is honestly not quite so bad is it but it seems to exist mainly to lull you into a false sense of security so barnacle baby number three here can rock you to your very core and by the way don't go clicking out of this video now to go peek around jessica alba's minimalist dining room you up live with your bad decision and stick it out to the end because next we have wide flat baby which inexplicably has a flipper then we have nightmare ghoul baby then in a natural extension santa you know i don't know why anyone is surprised by anything at this point next up there's baby head attached to adult body then there's baby that for reasons i don't entirely understand is quietly the most upsetting to me then you've got detached baby heads just by itself there's anthony there's that one is just named anthony and finally detached baby head number two look in my defense i told you from the start i hate these things i told you to leave and you're still here so you don't get to be angry with me i'm now angry with you my staff is on vacation right now and i'm showing you these monsters at three o'clock in the morning i have to take these web exclusives at 3am because apparently during our off week 60 minutes takes over our studio to film b-roll of their clock ticking but look obviously there's a much bigger question here isn't there which is what are we going to do about these beasts specifically how can we destroy them because we have to destroy them these beach dolls are the single worst thing i've ever seen now do we need to break some kind of curse that would make sense is there a special volcano that we have to throw them into was this a simple matter of avenging the dead governess of the 4 000 year old little girl because if that's what it takes i will do it but here's the thing i'm afraid i have a final harrowing twist here because it turns out these dolls may unfortunately no longer be contained as some are now scattered about different owners because apparently you can buy them every year we host a fundraiser for the rehab facility for sea turtles and people actually buy these things so we had a doll head that was a pretty good size and somebody paid 35 bucks for it so all of that goes towards rehabbing sea turtles stop acting like you're saying something fun oh and first first would you like to know which doll head specifically sold for 35 big ones because it's this one of course it is of course it is and let me be clear that sex doll head and the person who bought it need to be thrown directly into the middle of the ocean second i simply cannot trust the anonymous buyers of these dolls to destroy them thirdly i quite like sea turtles now mainly because i know that they are the exact opposite of this i hate this so much i hate it so much so with all of that in mind mission aransas reserve this is my firm offer to you we will reluctantly buy all of the remaining dolls that you have normal or sex with a 10 000 donation to the turtle and marine wildlife rehabilitation program that's right we'll do it we will do it and then crucially crucially i promise we will figure out the best way to destroy every last one of these pieces of for you for all of you thank you so much for watching happy beach going everyone we'll see you july 24th goodbye you

Channel: LastWeekTonight

Views: 4,100,336

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Id: 6RxqNv6bEug

Length: 9min 17sec (557 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 03 2022