Be careful what you wish for...

in order to live a fulfilling life you have to pursue the goals that you have set for yourself not the goals that others have set for you chasing positive validation from others is what's keeping you miserable and stuck in place so how do we go about breaking through the expectations set by others so that we can live a truly authentic and fulfilling life in this video I will share some Concepts from the three books that are shown on screen right now pause the video if you're interested in the books I will also be sharing some of my personal experiences which I hope will give you a better idea on how to improve things for yourself so before you continue get a notebook get a pen you'll need it for later all right starting off with reason number one as to why you're unfulfilled you don't even know what goals you are pursuing as a person living in the modern day your values have been skewed by things like your family your friends and social media your family tells you that University is the only viable way of securing a financially stable job for the future your friends tell you that the best way to go about living within your 20s is to go out and drink all in the name of having fun while you're young and things like social media such as Tik Tok Instagram YouTube Facebook all those platforms are showing the vapid and materialistic lifestyle of those who are seemingly doing better than you spoiler alert though they're not actually doing better than you they just achieve that feeling by not showing the negative aspects of their life that you and I go through on a day-to-day anyways I said all that just to show you that there is obviously a lot of stimulation that goes into it and by the time that you Sith through all the stimulation that has been given to you your goals have already been set and you don't even know it and this is how conditioning works now you probably have a a specific example in your mind of a time that you've been conditioned into believing something that probably wasn't necessarily true now I'll just share a personal story of mine but when I first went to University in semester one of last year I was doing psychology and marketing but quite frankly I didn't really enjoy that much so what I did is I ended up switching to the biomedical Sciences I was shocked to hear from my peers that some of the students doing the same course as I was didn't even want to be there but instead we're trying to fulfill the goal of either their parents their friends or their extended family now going to University itself isn't bad but going to University and pursuing a goal that you are not interested in in order to please someone else that's a different issue feel free to question the beliefs and the values of those around you because maybe they don't have the same personality that you do maybe they don't have the same strengths the same weaknesses and that's fine that's what makes us different but you have to see what you are good at and pursue that and more importantly you have to pursue something that you actually want to do because the more you want to do something the longer you're going to stick to it and the more fulfilled you will get as a result all that being said said the first step to becoming more fulfilled in your life is to become more conscious of the thoughts that you have and the beliefs are these the beliefs that you truly think serve you or they the beliefs of other people telling you you're not good enough you need to do this you need to do that you need to accomplish this thing by this age so sit down with your piece of paper that you grabbed at the beginning of the video and journal these thoughts down I've got a really interesting prompt you could write for your Journal write down what you would do if you were the last person left in your family and you didn't have any influence from other people what would you do Davida wrote in his book The Way of the superior Man live as if your father was dead this sounds really really extreme but what he's trying to say is that you need to live a life that is authentic to you and that is not directed by the others around you you are setting up a life for your fulfillment not so that others could brag about knowing you moving on to the second reason to why you are unfulfilled in your life which ties very closely to the first point you are constantly chasing positive validation from others not from yourself now a saying which I think is also really applicable to this section is that you need to fill your cup up before you fill the cup of others and what this is trying to say is that you need to make sure that you feel authentically aligned to your goals before you go around trying to please other people now that might seem like common sense but I truly believe that a lot of people aren't actually following this advice they know that they should focus on things that make them happy and that they believe they can succeed in but instead they listen to other people and they let that dictate what they should focus on in their life but all that's doing is it's making them resentful it's making them feel hatreds towards the person because they realize that it's not what they wanted to pursue and it's not something they're good at and it's not something they care about so why should they pursue it in the first place I think we've all been there we completed a project we were proud of we showed it to the people we care about only for them to think that it was a waste of time that it was weird or that it just wasn't worth it and you would have remembered if you had an experience like this those feelings of Pride and pleasure that you derived from completing that project just completely vanish but why should that be the case if you were proud of the project in the first place because you put in your heart you put in your soul and you think it's a good project why should you care what someone else will tell you now unless you causing direct harm to that person there really isn't a good reason to the main problem with attaching your P sense of personal value to positive validation is that you start to develop the feeling that you are only allowed to be happy when others are happy with you I know from personal experience when I was a bit younger and I received a bad Mark and my parents were mad at me then I would also feel angry at myself for not achieving higher marks but then when I ended up coming back with a good grade because I studied for it all of a sudden my parents were happy and I felt like I was entitled to happiness but this belief is not sustainable whatsoever it's not going to let you a achieve the things that you truly want to in life if you are held back by how other people would judge you you won't do the things that you think will positively impact you or even the world now there are a couple problems with attaching your sense of value to positive validation the main one is first of all you can't please everyone there's going to be some people who don't like you or don't like what you do and you simply have to accept that and also the second one is that constantly chasing positive validation means that when people unhappy with you you feel that you aren't entitled to be happy even if you like what you did if you want to start feeling more fulfilled with the person that you are there are four aspects which you want to make sure align with each other as much as possible the first one is your self-image this is just how you see yourself as a person the second aspect is the ideal self how do you want to be seen by other people in your community third aspect is your real self how do other people perceive you and the last factor is your perceived self how do you think that other people see you great now that you understand the four factors that I just laid out for you you need to journal a bit about each aspect and see where you rank on them so journal to yourself these four questions how do you see yourself how do you want to be seen by other other how do others see you this one might be a bit difficult so you have to try and be as objective as possible in the scenario and finally the last question is how do you think people view you now that you have journaled about those four factors try and find ways to make sure that you could overlap them as much as you can doing this will ensure that you will feel truly fulfilled and also that you are being authentic to yourself also once again realize that it is impossible to please absolutely everyone so focus on the things that you can change and that you think will have the greatest impact don't focus on the minute things that you cannot change and that will only affect a small portion of people all right now moving on to the final segment of the video which is how do you fix your goals thinking about systems and motivations let's begin by talking about the systems what is a system a system is basically once you have set a goal what are the steps you can take to get closer to that goal each and every day now there are two key things to worry about with your systems number one they need to be realistic and achievable and the second one they need to contain the obstacles that you are willing to overcome not the obstacles which will completely stop you in your tracks so let's begin by the first section if you pick a system which contains things that are completely unrealistic to achieve like you need to wake up at 400 in the morning when usually you're waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon or you need to hit a 4-Hour workout and eat 1,200 calories You're simply not going to stick to it you're going to burn out and you're going to end up presenting yourself and feeling like you are worthy of the goal that you want to achieve however if you make small increments to your systems and you slowly make sure that you start to achieve them then you're more likely to stick to them long term and you are more likely to achieve your goal and also stay at the level you want to for a longer amount of time the second one is you need to think about the problems that you want to solve so an example I could give of this was when I was doing marketing and psychology in the first semester of University I didn't really care about doing all the readings about marketing and how to make how to Market yourself and do this and do that I frankly didn't care and because I didn't care about it and I didn't want to do it I simply didn't but then when I changed my goals and switched to biomedical Sciences where I was more interested in Neuroscience pharmacology and all that type of stuff then all of a sudden I was actually interested in overcoming the obstacles that kept me between my goal and therefore I stuck through to it and I ended up doing better than I did in marketing and psychology even though the courses were a lot more difficult great now that you have the systems in place how are you going to find the energy to achieve your goals the simple answer to that is motivation now there is a theory about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation which basically means other goals internally motivated or externally motivated and the main trap that people fall into is that they pick motivations which are completely externally motivated so things like money Fame status recognition and stuff like that but they completely ignore the intering goals such as fulfillment autonomy a feeling of competence and intellect and ironically pursuing goals based on psychological intrinsic motivations is what is actually more fulfilling and has been shown to increase the adherence to a certain system that people have now there is obviously a fine balance to this if you want to spend your days living in a forest and climbing trees but there is absolutely no way that you could financially support yourself then your goal simply won't happen because you won't be able to sustain it long term so once again you have to find a certain balance between the two you have to to find just enough intrinsic motivation to get you going and then once the intrinsic motivation is solidified then you can start looking to more of the extrinsic motivation the main issue with overdoing the extrs motivations is that usually they are Never Enough most people never have enough money not enough muscle they're not famous enough they're not wellknown enough and they keep looking for more more more and more I had a friend used to tell me when I started the gym the day you start resistance training is the day that you are forever small but how many people sacrifice their morals and ethics in order to get more money the amount of things that I've heard about scams Ponzi schemes pyramid schemes there is never enough money people always want more and that's where greed comes in so the very final tip I will give to improving your goals and to attempt to live a more fulfilling life is that you need to eliminate as many distractions as you can give yourself some time to sit down without a phone without a computer without somebody in the room with you sit down with your thoughts with a piece of paper and a pen and start to General the things that you want to accomplish in life the people you want to help the problems you want to solve and the things that you want to do also if you have difficulties doing this create an antiv Vision one of the things that you don't want to see yourself doing in the future the people you don't want to be around the jobs that you would hate to work the boss that you would hate to talk to think about all those and then once you have created the anti Vision think of the things that you would need to do in order to achieve those if you don't want to work a certain job then what are the things that would prevent you from working the job that you do want maybe a lack of discipline a lack of sitting down doing work getting into deep work maybe if you have health goals you aren't eating a good diet you aren't exercising regularly and you aren't resting enough all that being said I'm sure all that thinking and planning and thinking into the future is going to make you very tired so watch this video to see how I improve my sleep in order to feel more restful more awake and more competent during the day and to have more brain power overall

Channel: Stan Flagel

Views: 814

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Id: HjKXKC8Vqyo

Length: 10min 35sec (635 seconds)

Published: Sun May 19 2024