AYG Comedy Podcast: Matt Richards - New Money

hey what's up guys thanks for tuning in to are you garbage please make sure you go subscribe to the youtube channel that way you get the videos as they come out yeah do it welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is r u gabbage the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and fun if they grow up classy or if they're absolute trash i'm your host states foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here aunt toddy's basement the new studio could not be happier coming at you from the heart of midtown manhattan uh big shout out to our producer extraordinaire mr toby mcmullen over there working the ones and two they don't love you pal of course my co-host coming at you from real close to me a little too close for the framing of you i've been rocking that black sweater for a while [ __ ] bruce wayne over here gang do me a favor the next time i reach you for a best pal go ahead and make it a gippy he works the ones and twos he [ __ ] cooks the books he keeps us all nice and secure kevin james ryan everybody hey gang what's up everybody thanks so i love how your [ __ ] you're commenting on my fashion choices you've been wearing the same hawaiian shirts for [ __ ] six years but the kids the kids love it also you can see your legs in last episode those things are some big mamma jammas he was wearing his little short shorts that we're riding up on ah i've been off in space in it for a while i got flip-flops on right now your thighs are like the great white north those things jesus christ start calling them things canada uh what's up everybody please make sure you rate review subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube subscribe there as well those numbers are through the [ __ ] roof we appreciate that also the big thing is this just in patreon.com are you garbage sign up you get bonus content you get additional videos additional episodes uh we just did the first episode on patreon and we [ __ ] called our moms we started off with a bang we called our [ __ ] moms to find out if they were garbage uh news alert they're both trash a couple of real hooys a couple of real dumb broads no stranger to the happy hour you know what i'm talking about yeah my mom got a little political it was a thing she had a couple of spritzers in her couple of m's and you know who's getting thrown around on the line to uh patreon.com are you garbage you can sign up you can sign up today and get all the uh it's instant access yeah we're like [ __ ] pornhub it's an axe i'm not waiting a month well most bozos make you wait until the end of the month we get you [ __ ] right in there mixed up because get in on the party line because we need the cash we're [ __ ] i'm hemorrhaging funds over here familiar with the term working capital ladies and gentlemen and also too the [ __ ] uh the merch store is open all right podcast podcast podcastmerch.com go to ru garbage we have all the new t-shirts we have the [ __ ] make it a kippy we have the milkman which i absolutely love shout out to gns artwork over there in uh germany sure did our [ __ ] designs for us you can get the garbagio you can get the clean living all right and we got some [ __ ] hoodies we need the money [ __ ] tighten it up will ya gang we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today we have known this gentleman since jump stream off the [ __ ] streets of the west village going back at least seven eight years uh this young man is a very sexual it's very successful yes i am 46 to midnight sexual i want to suck this dick i'll tell you that right now ladies and gentlemen he's a very successful stand-up comedian actor and writer as a comedian you've seen him on gotham comedy live joking off and the funny dance show as an actor you've seen him on new heights two broke girls school of rock casey undercover group therapy and the last conception and as a writer who's wrote on singled out and group therapy has a couple jobs coming up that we can't mention right now but gang you know him as the host of hq trivia but the big question in everybody's mind today is he garbage and we're going to find out do me a favor give it the [ __ ] up as i say many times many a weekend for the one hello the only let's go matt richardson that's me i'm glad buddy thanks for doing the show thank you for having me you have real haitian rapper vibes going on right now i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about i came damn that the glasses really bring that together they all got gold on every [ __ ] extremity this guy's he's got the rings he's got the necklace i like to wear my assets i love it i wish i could pull it off is that versace that the the headscarf the do-rag yeah no this is uh amazon i'm not familiar with that designer i got it on prime prime day do-rag sale that in a couple episodes of night court box buddy thank you so much for coming and saying thank you i'm honored to be here we wanted to have you on foreign for a long time we've been trying plus i i heard you threw it in kevin's face on saturday night when you brought him up on his side dude he's got a lovely podcast that he's not been on yeah what do you say wouldn't you have you he's trashing me to the crescent wouldn't you want to have your friends on your podcast i'm like you're [ __ ] these people all hate think i'm the biggest jerk off now it was fun i know it was richard yeah you were in rare form on saturday night i was celebrating the president he wrote he rolled in on a saturday wearing like a bottle of annie wearing a four thousand dollar suit i was like i had a whole bottle of hennessy do you know what's crazy that night i ended with me hugging the toilet no way really i guess you fell down the steps before i happened it happened it's a tricky step uh joe the manager at the club had to pick the lock to the bathroom door to get me out oh i was out damn like that's scary because that goes one of two ways yeah next thing you know the new york post is there taking pictures no if they gotta you know if you think about the property hit the bricks they're gonna come get you in the bathroom you know you're in [ __ ] bad shape i'm not sure i was peacefully asleep i took my suit jacket off i made a pillow dude sleeping on sleeping on a [ __ ] cold bathroom floor ain't too shy when you're all [ __ ] up oh it's great you got to come get me in the bathroom i got like 12 needles sticking out of me no no getting ready to drag me out anyway that's neither here nor there buddy we're so happy to have you here give us the back story the origin story of matt richards yeah i think you're a jersey kid right i was born [Laughter] just north of new orleans i grew up i was born and raised in queens yeah elmhurst hospital queen's kid uh [Laughter] my mom used to like if i got in trouble she would run around the house chasing me showing me her scar like look at what you did to me oh my god yeah so that was uh moms do hold grudges about [ __ ] yeah he probably [ __ ] up her tight frame she had going on she's still glad shout out to moms uh all right so but then i thought at some point you were in jersey no so okay grew up queens right whole life right mom and dad mom and dad were married before they had me shocker um they were very religious we went to church a bunch brothers and sisters i have a younger sister we're like two years apart all right there you go okay um then 9 11. yeah what happened split up shortly after okay i blamed al qaeda thanks a lot yeah now i got two christmases what the [ __ ] i'll get you terrorists wait why do you say 9 11. just as a time frame that was like two big events in my life okay but they had nothing to do with each other no 911 was just the chance his mom thought it was an inside job what his mom's like explain building seven will you that's it i'm leaving it had to be some kind of thermal [ __ ] going on in there they were inspecting before the days before all right your parents get divorced no yeah they split up and um what is who goes where where do you stay where do you go my sister and i went with mom sure and uh you know noah it's rarely your mom's got to be in bad shape for you to go with the dad yeah you always go with the mom yeah but neither of them were in like bad shape sure yeah it's just yeah same same hat the same thing happened fell out with each other what happens yeah i remember my dad's like anybody want to come with us he told all the kids like anybody want to come with me today we're all like get the [ __ ] out of here [ __ ] staying in the house with the toys [ __ ] fried eggs for dinner no thanks bozo i'll see you on the weekend my dad's actually an exceptional cook oh really really yeah yeah that would have been a tough call for me too mom was on a teriyaki like just every time to this day i can't touch teriyaki too much i get nauseous what lean cuisines oh just like she would make teriyaki chicken and teriyaki salmon and i'm like get the food we're not asian why are you doing this to your black ass kids i get that you're in a karate video she'd make us bow before you remember those who catch flies with chopsticks you remember those friends you had when you were younger that weren't asian but their parents had a lot of asian [ __ ] to the point like they have like a like an asian room divider and like asian music playing like yeah what the [ __ ] did your mom go to japan one time one time that's what the samurai in the dining room buddy it was my grandfather all the walls are see-through from the far east all right so your parents split up you stay with your mom your and your queens where'd your dad go dad went to queens okay in queens so he's right around the corner yeah and mom my sister and i moved to jersey oh really after um you know she was like figuring things out we stayed with some family for a little bit yeah sure then we went out to jersey city jersey city wait do you guys lived in an apartment yeah well we i grew up in houses and then after the split it was apartments right so who kept the house uh so the thing is i think my grandfather owned the house okay your dad's dead my dad's dead all right and uh we moved to a another house that we were renting and then after the split it was it was apartment apartment life right yeah so you moved up to jersey in an apartment your dad's in queens jersey was a two family home so it was a house nice duplex type yeah a little duplex those are nice nothing wrong with a dude my high school girlfriend duplex living i think that's me mom my sister my two sugar gliders you had those wait what i've had sugar gliders for years yeah so that's that's the one thing listen listen he is exceptionally good at it he is exceptionally uh great with animals i am pet dad of this dude has more [ __ ] pets i challenge anybody to take better care of their animals than me he does he listen okay so it's weird sugar dude the sugar gliders sugar gliders they're like flying squirrels but they're possible i know dude listen my buddy i would [ __ ] freak the [ __ ] out one of my buddies run up i think still he owns the distribution rights for sugar gliders in the united states if you bought it you bought it from like through him it's crazy he's like a big sugar guy he's at the top of the pyramid scheme yeah for sure wait so this thing this goes back since you were a kid uh yeah i might i've always had pets like dogs and cats and then uh i wanted a lizard really bad and my grandmother got me an iguana just when you're young when you had the sugar gliders before the sugar gliders what age we talking with the iguana his name was ziggy i had ziggy when i was like seven but before that i had always had a turtle i had i was a turtle kid i was a frog kid too at frogs turtles everything snakes my uncle jeff r.i.p was uh a big influence on my herpetological studies you are good with it man i'll give you that when you when you we're out in l.a and and your your apartment you had ever you keep everything tight you keep everything clean my apartment i had [ __ ] i had fish tanks and lizards and birds and [ __ ] it just i find having something to take care of keeps me working hard okay sure but birds dude you can't be having you have birds now no i i gave them to my roommate in l.a i went away for work and when i came back they were really bonded to her to the point where they would bite me really yeah are they flying around the apartment are they in the cage desi learned how to fly on his own and lucy never uh took off what kind of dude if you're loose bird people that's [ __ ] that's i didn't even make it through the foyer i was like [ __ ] hit the bricks see you later no they're chill man they they would [ __ ] in the cage and then not really yeah that's pretty good i'd be okay with that no as long as they're not [ __ ] on the couch and stuff like that yeah bird [ __ ] really freaks me out no it's like living on a park bench dude it's good enough birds that close to you i was like the old lady from home alone i can't watch that movie and eat man that chick grows there's bird [ __ ] on her shoulder that's you if you if you like birds by the way that wasn't even like set decoration that was actually i know just [ __ ] pigeon [ __ ] on her it's good luck i'd ask for more money for that i'll tell you that all right go back to the sugar gliders you guys move out to jersey you have sugar gliders in an apartment in my bedroom what did your mother say i mean i paid for them they're paying rent yeah yeah that was cool i had uh i had a six by four foot cage in the corner of my bedroom a six-foot cage yeah that was they had their wheel and like all their toys and [ __ ] those things are creepy what do they do they just glide they love you yeah they just love you aren't they mad because they can't really stretch their wings oh they were out and roaming the house like when i was home they'll sit in your pocket they sleep in these i used to wear them in a pouch under my school clothes yeah yeah yeah and just walk around with two sleeping sugar gliders on my chest off they don't know in school yeah nobody i mean i got in trouble all the time in school for bringing pets to school i found a kitten on my way and i had that rolling backpack [ __ ] and i put the kitten in my backpack you were a rolling backpack kid just because the kitten what are you a drug rap kids working for pfizer there was an evil [ __ ] named chutney that's like that's like cartoon movie yeah so she sat next to me in homeroom and she kept seeing me go to my backpack to take care of his kitten and she's like what's in the bag i was like none of your business chutney and then she [ __ ] kicked the backpack oh what a [ __ ] [ __ ] and i was like i never hit a girl but i break your face chunny you are not a woman somebody touched my kitty cat the following year she stole my game boy he's going to be crying if he keeps telling us these stories this girl just bullied you all through middle school i think she liked me but a senior in high school she stole my heart and mom shout out to mrs wait the cat eye the kittens i understood kitten i understand you so didn't the sugar gliders get out when you were in school no they slept all day yeah they just curl up and they're not in your pockets and just sleep there but when they were in the house they were like doing the whoa jumping around carpeted the entire side of my bookshelf so they could run up to the top of the bookshelf glide to the bed and they would just do this like ninja warriors yeah that's the thing i would i would i want to say this is all garbage but the way he does it specifically he's like he's really really good at it as a teenager i worked at the reptile museum in hicksville long island and i used to stretch tours hicksville is shitty place they closed the reptile museum but it was just your iguana it's just one everybody stepped right up right he was just on the train with his neck come see the exotic iguana from florida all right they closed it down because i think the owner wasn't taking proper care he kept he had a lot of alligators for no reason yeah those people how the [ __ ] have an alligator and [ __ ] long island that's [ __ ] crazy all right so go ahead so you're you're you're living in the apartment in jersey that's where you went to school all that kind of went to grade school high school i moved to jersey after graduating high school didn't go to college um so wait hold on so you so your entire you growing up you were in queens yeah oh okay all right all right why did you why did you move to jersey after high school i was touring with a play and okay it was just easier to keep all my [ __ ] at your mom's all right so i was on the road okay eight months a year damn so growing up you were a city kid yeah nice all right that gives us a little bit of a picture and your sister lives with you all the way up until high school yeah no college you didn't go to school because you were touring you were working as an actor straight out of school i went on the road okay all right that gives us a little bit of a picture there i used to like cut high school leave early to go into the city to sell tickets for comedy shows okay yeah you've always been a worker yeah grinder kid's an earner for sure yeah i mean that's your point sophomore year i was making about 600 a day between doing magic on the subway and comedy ticket sales really yeah so that's where you're funding all the animals okay a little expensive that guy that was on the i think he was on like the q train or something the old russian guy with the oh it's a little the magician with the like he's got like a dove and a bird all like in the car yeah that's my [ __ ] olaf really are you serious it's just like we went to bird school together yeah what's your hematology [Laughter] listen patreon.com and how many animals before we get into the questions here do i have currently no no no yeah i want to know that now okay that but growing up because you kind of you made it seem like i thought you left uh queens when you were a little kid no i was in queens throughout high school all right graduated from frank sinatra school of the arts by the skin it was so cool to me i don't know is that trash or not what performing arts school tony bennett opened it he used to walk the hallways all the time that's what tony bennett tony bennett opened the school in honor of frank that's what that's what new york has all those performing arts schools you know it's like you know those things are [ __ ] dope frank did you take your sats no no you didn't i was i had like four periods of theater a day yes ballet and [ __ ] and our gym was kickboxing class what was tony bennett like he was cool he was old as [ __ ] hey matt good to see you man i don't remember ever talking to the dude i just knew him i don't think he was there every day he was engaged to a man he was there yeah he come by all the time well i guess do a couple of numbers oh yeah i left my heart hey gang support for ru garbage is brought to you today by our new sponsor manscape baby the best in below the waist grooming for men it's the best thing out there they got the tools for your family jules if you know what i'm talking about hit it big man dude i'm telling you right now and this is not because it's an ad this thing is unbelievable before no listen i'm a bigger guy sure all right so if things you know if the front yard's growing down there there's a lot of discomfort there's a little bit of odor there's a little bit of this there's a little bit of that it's very important to your daily use you say it dude it really is and i used to use just the beard trimmer that i use on my face but when you're doing that down there all right it's got the metal blades you don't know what's going on there's no guard and and when you when you nick something down there it stings yeah it stings for a couple of days and it's dangerous and listen you only get one of them things you can't be walking around with a couple of nicks on it you know what i mean but dude it's crazy these guys at manscape they got the ceramic blade which reduces any kind of accidents you know what i mean it has a 90 minute charger all right so you got 90 minutes of use on it they run at 7 000 rpms right how powerful is that but they use a quiet stroke which keeps it nice and soft listen so do i you know what i mean it's running right now you can barely hear it and not to mention they have an led light which is the most important thing because you can see where you're driving down there yeah you're not driving blind in the middle of the night you know what i mean and on top of that the thing's waterproof you could take it in the shower you can clean yourself up nice this thing is awesome i can't believe that they sent us one for free this is unbelievable and i love this thing yeah it's great so guys trim that junk of yours if you're a listener of the show we have a special deal for you you get 20 off big man what 20 2 zero 20 off and that ain't done yet and free shipping when you use the promo code garbage at manscape.com that's promo code garbage at manscape.com that's 20 off and free shipping manscape.com use promo code garbage yes sir back to the show shout out to tony b shout out to tony b if you like the smooth sounds of [ __ ] old school music check out tony bennett all right let's get in a little are you garbage here i think we have enough pictures painted first off let's go back to kevin's question also too this is this will be interesting because you're kind of new money a little bit you're you're successful now you know you got uh you're making a couple of bucks and you're spending it which i love i'm investing the [ __ ] out of it actually sure no i know you're very smart i mean i've talked to you about you know bitcoin and other stuff i do i do spend a little too much time i remember a video i love what you spend it on you spend it on you're like it's like it's the ricky bobby effect you know and it's like tell you got it now you got money and you got like he's got like he's got to motorize one wheel skateboard that he zips around this is already paid for itself of course and the amount of ubers i don't have to take i remember when you first got one of your little uh chunks of change a few years ago why y'all [ __ ] clock up y'all setting me up to ride i remember it was march 14th i remember when you first started making money i said i'm gonna get his ass no you went to your mind i'm gonna start a podcast in four years and have them come and then rob them you went to your mom's work and dumped money on her that was fun i just showed up at my mom's job and it just threw money at him oh my god turn it into a big pun video made it rain on my mom that's awesome what did she say she was like what the [ __ ] are you doing she thought she was leaving for good you were like that's not enough to leave wait till your break wait do your best that's enough at least yeah i love it all right how many pets do you have now i got two dogs two cats and a saltwater fish tank that's perfectly acceptable it's up there that's on the high i mean he's nicer in the judging of it that's up there for me four pets in a new york city apartment it's crazy it's a nice apartment i'm sure i'm sure it is i'm sure it is i'm just saying that's a lot i got a private dog run oh that's pretty good i'll give you that your dogs are awesome by the way yes shout out to thor very nice they're listening they subscribe they're on the patreon the pet thing is it's in the file but like i said it's you know it's it's nice it's tricky with you because you're you're excited i vacuumed five times a day of course there you go but you do it the right way it's still a lot of pets oh yeah oh yeah all right let's go back a little bit now you said your mom a lot of teriyaki what was the what was the name of the street that you grew up on okay that i spent most of my time yes or my formative years it's not the same thing yeah i don't know to me that's not anything because what are your form your formative years formative years are younger that's when you're like foreign that's like elementary school in high school no i think formative years i don't [ __ ] know yeah what is one of them hey siri what is a formative year who the [ __ ] is that guy i made my siri a dude cause i feel weird yelling at her later i'm progressive uh he didn't help no just now what was it so when you guys moved into the apartment in queens what was was the street uh i believe it was [ __ ] why am i spacing is it a number it was south conduit avenue south conduit avenue that's not too bad that's a new york street yeah that's gonna be bad if you were i was like yeah it was the fdr or whatever i mean it was damn near the van wyck expressway it was like that it was like a highway that connected queens and long island i was on the border of queens and long island that's out there rosedale it was deep as [ __ ] that's a lot of buses you take roads i took the bus from the first stop to the last stop and the train from the first stop to my school did you ever get out there on that he tried to do that e-training that that thing goes to [ __ ] literally if you don't get off of it i would take the e-train from the city to the last [ __ ] stop yeah and then the bus from the first stop to the left that's a tough look having to take the train all the way and then the bus somewhere else i think one of our buddies said that he's like yeah then he just hop on the stop on the bus [ __ ] that but then i started uh doing a long island railroad that was a lot faster okay okay all right what was uh what was the name of the grocery store your parents went to growing up associated i think that's a nice one yeah that's a nice product no no no i don't think has ever been associated yeah there's one i shopped at one up until like two months ago yeah in the city maybe nice yeah it wasn't i mean i mean i've been in where it was no it wasn't a key food i'm not getting the oysters it was it was like a key food okay kind of they were always playing like uh freestyle music [Laughter] i went in for a frozen pizza i came out with rice and beans [ __ ] going in the mood got a soccer shirt on yeah that's good stuff all right associated um would make dinner when you were a kid your mom would mom would would do dinner you're gonna sit down and have dinner it'd be mom or dad on any given night uh but once we were with mom it was mom and would you sit down at the table or would you guys instead of sit around the couch and watch tv ah we would do well let me i'm trying to remember these were like yeah we'd sit in the living room watch a movie okay but then as we all got a little older you know high school age i was just going into my room really dinner in the room yeah that's kind of weird that's gonna have to go that's in the file in the file garbage your mom makes dinner you come home you make yourself a place i wasn't getting home though until long after dinner was uh so growing up when you were like a kid kid and the family was still together oh yeah we sat at the table all right you weren't allowed to eat in your room then no and i will say this i shared a room with my sister we had bunk beds and the sugar gliders that was before the sugar club isn't there something to be said though when you do come home a little bit later when dinner's over all right and and but it's still sitting out and like you know it's wrapped up it's on the stove it [ __ ] tastes so much better it's been marinating i don't know why i love that you go home you can still smell a little dinner cooking it's like eight nine o'clock that's why i was i always try to explain this on the podcast i was always jealous of my dad if he came home later and didn't eat with us he would come home and like fix his plate and by you know be like three hours after dinner so i'd be hungry again and like just the way he like the dad would your dad set it up it just looks so [ __ ] dad's know how to eat man do man little pepper little salt [ __ ] clancy that was the way yeah [Music] all right uh let's switch uh let's switch gears that brings up one that i've had that i didn't have down for you but that brings it up uh do you currently what's your pepper shaker do you have like the grinder or do you have the dumper i have a grinder okay that's class yeah i have if you have one like you stole from a denny's or something that's a tough look i don't know i ordered a salt and pepper yeah on prime day anybody any if if if you're like you know around our age right now and you're living on your own and you don't have a fresh pepper grinder that's i'm stressed i cook though i so i love i love being yeah there's no need to have the [ __ ] little metal mccormick [ __ ] pepper things anymore this ain't the [ __ ] 80s oh i have we have one as back up oh yeah yeah just in case you run out of the pepper what i mean who's keeping the pepper the peppercorn in their house this guy's big on pepper yeah we have a bottle of peppercorn in there all right well i'm saying if we just bought a two-pound bag of jesus christ it's a it's a seven peppercorn what are you doing emeril lagasse bam just whole peppercorn he's pepper i break him up with my teeth when i chew that's pretty good um let us see this when you go to the grocery store when it comes to like uh maybe dairy products or things like that do you take the first one or do you take the second one behind it i usually take the first one first one in yeah because i know a lot of people trashy people myself included i'll never take the first one why i don't know we feel like the the first one there's something wrong with it people have been touching it we always take the second one behind yeah because you're you have such trash in your dna you think oh he's out to get you for some reason are you the guy that goes to the handicapped stall because you think it's cleaner oh yeah yeah that's the dirtiest one yeah plus it's bigger that's the one everybody goes to because they think oh i haven't seen anybody yeah [ __ ] here yeah i always handicap's always bigger i like to stretch it out a little bit i go first stall really nobody talks to that one yeah that's smart all right well we're on the subject that's too much heat coming in you're walking i'm putting my shoes on there's a lot of the backs there's a lot of foot traffic at the first stall wait hold on really sometimes wait say that again like it depends on where i'm shooting but like generally if if i know it's a high traffic bathroom i'll kick my feet up against the wall why you're [ __ ] it's comfortable that's insane you can [ __ ] laying down it's like a squatty potty i guess that kind of makes sense i couldn't do that um i leaned my head against it when you you were so you going to the first stall right yeah it's uh how do you clean the toilet seat all right see if they don't have one of those the toilet napkin rings yeah will you use that you'll lay that down okay yeah yeah yeah you don't get any spreadage hold on let them mix all right all right sorry he's a big guy i need that a lot there's a lot of there's a lot of meat down i need to punch this spilling over the sides of the toilet he takes up two stalls actually one cheek per time so you go in if there's no if there is no ring no paper ring what do you do well now that i'm carrying like little sanitizers sometimes i might do a little square squirt and a little wipe down that's smart but okay before no you know sand sanitizer just white paper yeah foley puts uh that takes a roll of toilet paper dips it in the water then wipes it in the toilet water then wipes that on the seat after i've flushed it a couple of it doesn't matter i so here's the thing that i do that i don't know that's since that's insanity if i don't like if i see the okay there's no visible droplets of pee i'll take a little bit of toilet paper and then like fold it and put it on that uh like the where the dick would go that's that's a pro move just oh yeah so you get no rubbish 100 of the time i do toilet condoms i've had that where my little my pee pee touches that and i'm like god what is that my little pee-pee had to be a big toilet to get there though when i [ __ ] my dick touched the water i don't have that problem mine's looking right at me mine's in the mine's only air baby skydiving [Laughter] sometimes sometimes i'll i'll sit down and then i'll pee and the pee will come out the like between the thing yeah that's gonna point it down there's a lot of pressure coming from the center out all right yeah my my dick looks like it's like looking out the window of an airplane just like like that it's not not a good look yeah i don't think anybody thought it was going to be a [ __ ] a hell of a nice piece on you by the right nah i know he's a huge idiot but you should see his piece all right let's keep moving along i'm not the one on trial here goddammit uh have you ever taken a picture with your barber i actually because that's trash i have actually but here's why i had so i had to go back to queens to vote that's so funny i didn't change my uh my address on my voter registration and since i was in queens i went by the guy that used to cut my hair when i was like in high school dispatch and uh he gave me a cut and i was like yo let's get a selfie dog i take a picture with you in a minute it's good to see you i'll give you that that's a little yeah yeah yeah that's a little bit different make sure yeah i hadn't seen the dude in 10 years but i see people posting pictures with their barber on the regular i took it and didn't post it because i looked weird in it but i have it on my phone all right i got one have you ever had a ring back tone yes no wait that's when people call you please wait while your party is reached and then like you know i've always wanted really dude that [ __ ] is you are not fielding any any good calls i did use that buy ringtones on jamaica avenue yeah somebody what do you mean there was there was a dude that used to sell ringtones i didn't know how did you buy them i wasn't tech savvy enough to download the song and then cut it so he would send you the song or whatever i would go to his cell phone repair shop this little kiosk in like a mall and he charged a dollar per ringtone that ain't bad and so i would just give him five bucks and he would put like this is on my next tail when everybody had to turn back baby and he would put the shits on my phone so and i just i'd be walking around with like ballin big dude no lie at some point every dirtball had that as a ringtone you never got into that i mean you were 32 when that song i missed so many calls because of ringtones [Laughter] you know this wait were the next tell ones the walkie-talkie how far did they go like for anywhere oh really nationally yeah oh so wasn't so you could literally just talk on a walkie-talkie to somebody across the coast so you know you're saving money on the call yeah it was mo it was like well that was big and then when i remember motorola i remember those yeah that was like the construction workers phone you know what i mean because you know it's easier to communicate or whatever but then everything went that was before you couldn't call um they charge you if i called if we had the same provider then it was free within providers and they're going yeah we don't need to have these [ __ ] conversations out loud you can just pick up the phone because you were still charged for minutes and phone calls at that time yeah talking [ __ ] was clutch that was like yeah ten dollars a month or whatever it was i remember having phone sex via chirp what this is garbage as [ __ ] we were 15. that's as hot as [ __ ] and it's out loud too well then her dad took the phone [Laughter] you want a what i went asian [Laughter] uh once how was it not for you awkward yeah yeah i've done it a couple come on i mean i worked at one i've done it a couple times i was 18 the rest of my cast was like 20 23 and up and so they would all go out to bars and clubs when we would be on the road so i spent a lot of time in the hotel alone yeah uh this is gonna bite me in the ass i called uh called an escort from orlando she came to my villa and played playstation with me nerd yeah right i didn't hear an alert i didn't want to have sex with her i just i was and she was like you don't have to pay me for this i was like no a deal's a deal you want to figure my butt or anything like that no thank you bye can you put some clothes on this is awkward i'm trying to do a fatality and your titties are all out and about i actually ended up meeting up with a girl that i would like i didn't i did not the way she described herself i'll be honest with you oh you got catfish catfish we got i got [ __ ] dolphins and she got wailed all right we're having fun [Music] we called a stripper in north carolina or south carolina myrtle beach that's how trash we are we got one to the hotel like we came back from the bar all [ __ ] up we're like let's call this stripper to come to the hotel and then they were like oh we're you know we're an hour and a half away and we're like whatever we're still like but then you know it's like three o'clock in the morning you start fading quick that battery life starts dropping real fast how are you an hour and a half away dude it's myrtle b i don't know who the [ __ ] knows i mean we were that i think we were you know scraping the bottom of the barrel too we're going after the blue chips i went to a weird strip club in dillon south carolina oh any town named after a guy is yeah come on over to chad you're like what the [ __ ] we show up dudes wearing a flannel with cut off sleeves and he's just playing pool by himself it was me and my boy joseph reese that was the tripper no he goes he boys from out of town you guys want the girl i was like let's leave yeah he's like no this is going to be an amazing story it wasn't i was not it was not an amazing story at all barbie doll had uh minimal teeth and she smelled that was the first time i smelled crack cocaine ah hmm good for her [Laughter] all right do you currently have a storage unit yes okay it's gonna be garbage put that one down as garbage right there fair enough have you ever oh sorry can i defend of course please if i may sure uh for a while i was paying rent on the east coast and the west coast because i kept my apartment out there okay go back okay um and then when hq became a more permanent part of my life okay i packed up the la apartment put everything into storage that's that's what i'll give you that's what i'll give you people do i have a [ __ ] ton of [ __ ] tanks and lighting and all right [ __ ] more animal [ __ ] yeah i'll give you that one okay have you ever seen your parents fight someone paid the bill in six months he's gonna be on storytellers you're shaking yeah we got a sugar glider tank in there that's 40 bucks right there yeah somebody's going to come up some magic [ __ ] oh there is magic [ __ ] in there kippy i like that question yeah have you ever seen your parents fight someone together no and or like has your your mom ever gotten a scuffle or like a tj max or your dad at a little league game or something no my mom did yell at a homeless woman about pizza what about it uh my mom was on her way home from work i was on my way home from school so she was like hey well i had already gotten home she was like yo i left like uh 30 bucks go grab a pizza and some wings bring it back it's like all right cool so i go to pick up the pizza as i'm walking back to the uh to the crib there's a homeless woman and she's like hey can i have a slice of your pizza and i was like um my hands are full i got i'm i don't want you to touch it yeah no offense like no disrespect i would happily give you a piece and my mom is walking from the railroad and she's like she's like hey is everything all right i was like yes she wanted a slice of the pizza and my mom was like oh don't worry sweetie i'll kill you was it two two dollars she's like here i'll give you two dollars throwing something extra you get yourself something to drink and the woman's like i want a slice of yours oh yeah and she's like that is for my children uh-huh get real i'm giving you my lioness on them your own slices yeah okay and she's like but what if i don't like it and my mom's like what if you don't like the pizza that's with my kids huh you taking food out of my kids mouth and they just went back and forth jesus and the pizza got cold i'll never forget that day oh that's funny i almost saw my mom get her ass kicked really almost like so there's this fat i think i'm gonna mention this family moved in from like philly moved into the suburbs yeah the bruisers yeah they had it was like a [ __ ] slip and fall or something they made a bunch of money like they weren't they weren't cut out for you know they were definitely new money they were tough kids and the sun hit me in the head with a hockey stick i went down my brother went out to beat him up the older brother beat my brother were you playing hockey yeah yeah oh okay i was like that's scary i was walking to school and the ninja turtles ran by and then my mom went over to be like your [ __ ] kids are you know what the [ __ ] and then she was screaming out the one i'm gonna come down there and kick her i was like all right get back in the car man i'm like they're not taking out the whole family leaving a little [ __ ] dignity holy [ __ ] yeah that's [ __ ] true have you ever seen your parents fight anybody little league game or something um i've honestly never seen them i've seen maybe my dad almost get into a fight at softball games [ __ ] that that and like i would [ __ ] your dad [Laughter] i would run through the foley's light work son um they used to maybe almost get in fights with like the other team that's a real trash i've never oh yeah yeah i've never seen them uh i've never seen them like get into like an argument i've seen my mom lose it maybe a couple of times at like a grocery store or something like that but never never anything she never almost got beat up by the neighbors if that's what you're asking my dad almost my dad almost fought a dude and uh uh act me like not that long ago like within the it was probably like seven years ago because the guy cut in front of him in line my dad's like you gotta i'm like you gotta [ __ ] tone it down i gotta stand up for that [ __ ] started uh doing like security and and bouncing after my parents split up mm-hmm and i remember he didn't come home one night because well i think it was before they split up he started bouncing but he uh he didn't come home one night because he got jumped damn yeah some dude he kicked the drunk guy out of the bar somehow the drunk guy gets back in my dad's not paying attention and the dude cracks him over the head with a ketchup bottle that's gotta be scary too because you see the ketchup everywhere you think you're [ __ ] bleeding yeah never mind never mind let me get some fries 57 varieties that's trash you hit somebody like a gentleman you hit somebody with a beer bottle yeah it should be a budweiser box ketchup [ __ ] yeah ketchup disrespectful hitting somebody with a man that's what you do at a diner dude that's not [ __ ] playing i think he was just trying to tap the 57. she couldn't get it out yeah i wasn't stuck let me hit you okay i had to play the tots he needed to [ __ ] juice up uh slurpees or icees ah slurpees are 7-eleven icees everywhere else yeah i mean i've had my share of isis okay pretty clear the seven elevens are dirty so anything seven elevens are dirty it's not charlie listen seven ravens are trash no it's not true name one seven eleven in new york that's not trash well just everything every single one is disgusting i went to a 7-eleven the other day around the corner from the new new york comedy club yeah and the dude sang to me while i picked up oh dude that one's like [ __ ] downtown beirut that one is bad really yeah you talking about the one on 23rd street the one on 23rd and the one and the one on the fifth avenue i saw a couple i saw dudes just stealing the beers locked up in that one that's how you know it's not good you have to get a key to get that i know it's like the medicine at a [ __ ] for all the black hair care products wait they have them locked up and they keep all that [ __ ] ah it's [ __ ] up it's [ __ ] up by the way dude they know who's meanwhile herbal essence is right up front you can help yourself they put a lot on all the hoodies they're not touching the v05 they got to sell some blue out front like shut up melon [ __ ] one of the reasons i think i'm bald is because i use i only use mary's and dax for like [ __ ] 12 years i won't make why i'm trying to get waves you know it just held up my hair perfectly and dude the best is you put a little bit of mary's in then you shout like two days later that's when you get like the really good dude it's like vaseline that [ __ ] don't come out it's like [ __ ] beeswax dude it's in there for like a week same can i last you [ __ ] 10 years you would use some black hair care products yeah it was going to school in north philly that's all i could get my hands on murray's is it was like 99 cents a jar can't be walking around with a wave cap i can see it i can see it too man now i'm just picturing you with like full-on weight waves in my head looking like tsunami hit it son boom how do you feel right now this has been a big thing on the podcast for the last couple of days how do you feel about bacon cooked in the microwave i mean i've done it as a youth yeah as a youth interesting like i was you know if you high as [ __ ] you need bacon immediately yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so if i can get you gotta be in at the windows getting popped with bacon grease while high is not fun yeah it feels worse um now i would never yeah forever pretty classy answer i throw it on the [ __ ] i got i got a griddle in the [ __ ] skillets and all that okay i'll do it in the oven if i'm pressed for time okay and i want a particular type of crunch oh okay [ __ ] depending on the sandwich you you know you need different bacon textures true blt you want it more on the crispy side if you're having a bacon egg and cheese on a fresh geyser roll you're gonna want like a a bacon that sort of contours and complements the yeah it can be [ __ ] gentlemen can be too dry and crunchy on a bacon again i'll never forget i had barry ribs came and crashed with me in la and he still to this day talks to me about the bacon naked cheese [Laughter] um have you ever had a manicure yes do you get them regularly or like so i stopped biting my nails when i turned 30 i was like i'm done really and then i got on a plane and it was very turbulent and i said [ __ ] that your nails yeah yeah so while i was not biting my nails i'd go in mani pedi but uh that's nice okay that's i never had one ever use a shoe horn no all right have you ever used bounty wrinkle release dryer sheets no like the spray that gets the wrinkles out no okay everything in a quiz no yeah yo quiznos ain't too shabby really carbonaro because they are good too yeah they are tasty and they're quite i say quiznos is garbage i can't stand the smell of subway really dude how's my next question i wasn't gonna ask you've ever ate at a subway but have you ever had your sandwich heated up at a subway i've gotten a toasted sub yeah see that's garbage italian herb and cheese with the spicy bee the spicy italian i would do a chicken parm from subway yeah not proud what the [ __ ] extra provolone and bacon on that [ __ ] i'll tell you what they used to not do pretty pretty shabby was their meatball sub was okay yeah their meatballs and [ __ ] stuff so hard to [ __ ] up with meatball sub it's it's true you start with good meatballs that's the dice you're rolling but the sauce can save you even if they're not that good have you ever collected or carried pocket knives i don't know if i'd call it a collection but i definitely carried yeah i think i got one on me now no i don't um yeah i carry pocket knives ever do karate in public in the class really tiger shulman's well i enrolled in tiger shulman's recently what come on i swear they're like creamer in that episode well no my class this is the [ __ ] up part my class was all black belts my first day and i was like yeah i'm not in the right class because uh i watched a bunch of cobra kai on netflix oh and i was like i need to train see this is what i think that's like new money [ __ ] where he's like i gotta i gotta get an instructor to teach me how to [ __ ] how to defend are you still going uh twice a week you're going to tiger shulman it's not twice a week it's mma now that's a little different i wanted to go to karate but it's full on mma is it tiger shulman's yes so they've switched over from just karate to mma tiger shulman's mma and my sensei lyman good was a bellator fighter for a while now he's doing ufc this i i wanted to make jokes but this [ __ ] kick ass oh yeah for sure those dudes don't like that bad [ __ ] man i shout out to sensei lyman good are there kids in your class no i mean there's a does this kid he was doing the most with the like we were supposed to do like uh strength training exercises like squats and [ __ ] and he would jump and clap after every squat and i was like you're showing off yeah there's nobody here mm-hmm what do you do you have the ghee and then it's not a key it's like these uh these karate pants and then a tiger shulman's t-shirt and a white belt that i wrote black lives matter it was too white [Laughter] they gave up on the ghee huh yeah casual friday it's not right but you're wearing a tiger soulman's shirt to tiger shulman's it's the uniform it's the uniform the shoes like you can't do it in another dc what are we talking about barefoot like someone in metallica wearing a metallica shirt but like okay do you wear jeans to the pool sometimes yeah in the pool sometimes that's garbage yeah i'm swimming cut off jean shorts i'm swaming my shirt gesture what do you mean like nothing no bottom because there was some hot ladies there and i was like i'm not ready for this yeah but you see that you look at it you look even worse you gotta [ __ ] roll the dice it's a that's a you gotta just own it that brings it that's another question do you own a bathing suit now if you're going to go swimming you got a bathing suit you're going in like shorts i own a couple of bathing suits okay nice you're going to tuxedo right now do i have a tuxedo yeah you own one several or really tux's suits yeah yeah your suit game's [ __ ] on point that's a big one that's a big question we ask is if like something were to happen you have a job interview or a funeral go to tomorrow yeah do you have a suit you can put on and by you are [ __ ] he's got autism dirty suits yeah okay you come in after a day of work shooting hq you're coming hq i rarely wear the suit pants yeah because it's from the waist out nobody knows that's even close he's got his karate pants on i did that twice came straight from the dojo had to ask 12 questions he's got his tiger pants on um when was the last time you bought a 40 oh my uncle jeff had passed away and i know him and my dad he was my dad's cousin they used to go to the beach and they had this thing called the great pumpkin and they would take whatever liquors they had pour it in the pumpkin and just pass around this communal pumpkin and get [ __ ] up on the beach so it's my dad and all my like uncles and older cousins at the funeral i went and bought a bunch of 40s and we came back and celebrated that's pretty close an actual pumpkin or a plastic it was like a plastic pumpkin ah that's pretty cool trick or treating yeah i don't know why they brought it to the beach they didn't have like a punch bowl that's nice that's pretty that's good though as long as you're not buying them to like sit in your house and drink food yeah yeah what was the last 30 though was last time they had a four loko or a nose what's it called nos nos i don't the last time i had a four loko was at the height of the protest okay in the summer no i think it was a little before yeah yeah it wasn't okay in the spring yeah i've had one shockingly recently as well i i remember when he had it with his [ __ ] meatball sub from subway high school i was pouring four lokos into coffee cups and drinking them shits in class jesus what are you a divorce dad what the [ __ ] you're drinking in school yeah man i needed to to get through all that shakespeare when was the last time you used an atm just to check your balance i haven't done that long i got the app excellent yeah excellent and second part of the question have you ever gotten cash back when you make a purchase um accidentally ah i hit yes kid's a [ __ ] gentleman i hate yes the other day at the [ __ ] uh where was i tj maxx oh jesus i'm a maxinista baby they have so many socks and 90s nickelodeon nostalgic t-shirts yeah uh but yeah i hit yes accidentally and the chick gave me twenty dollars i was like what is this she was like that's yours i was like why oh i don't know it was like a mystery shopkins special tj maxx promotion and she was like you started coming down i was like i did it uh all right have you ever been to an olive garden yes bread lobster of course okay i'm black have you ever been to a pet i didn't want to ask number one graduation dinner get those biscuits going red lobster or sizzler man anytime you graduate from something you're getting some cheddar baked biscuits man i [ __ ] love this scissors i don't think i've ever been i ain't been to sizzler in a minute but red lobster i ordered red lobster during the quarantine to the house yep what'd you get uh shellfish doesn't travel well no i mean it it's 15 minutes away oh that's not bad yeah it was awesome it was good yeah i want to get back to a red lobster 80 dollars of red lobster on uber i was ready to complain if something was wrong i had to figure this out [Laughter] let me check this back hey i'll be right with you one second okay yes it does okay all right i think we just got a couple more questions here mm-hmm what do you got uh have you ever been to a pawn shop yes have you ever pawned anything that's when you put it in yes no okay never sold anything to them or bought anything i've bought [ __ ] from a pumpkin shop i just went in because i was watching pawn stars and i was like let me see if they got some [ __ ] and i went in and i asked the guy i was like y'all selling the jewelry here and he's like not like the fake [ __ ] you're wearing jesus that was before i got real real yeah i bought a guitar at a pawn shop and then i sold the that same guitar back to that pawn shop no doubt at a lesser price yeah i was gonna say that the margins didn't hold up on that one have you ever made nachos in the microwave no what do you keep your ketchup in the refrigerator or in the cabinet do not own ketchup really why not children because of your dad thing no just don't [ __ ] eat ketchup because i wasn't sure if it was bad memories no you don't use ketchup no bruh what do you put on your scrambie eggs in the morning besides [ __ ] i cook them in a little butter and then i [ __ ] throw some hot sauce no ketchup ew what mayonnaise i have mayonnaise mustard i have three types of mustard three types of mustard yellow spicy brown and uh this mustard i got from a kosher deli it's like i know the name of it i know exactly what you're talking about it's almost like a german mustard kind of yeah i have uh two types of sauerkraut in the fridge right now damn okay probiotics man pretty classy now when you do order takeout said you know red lobster well you plate it or will you eat out of the i eat i'm not trying to do more dishes i just ordered tacos yesterday tinfoil no bueno do you take leftovers home from a restaurant uh no wait my man hit me jack i've never [ __ ] not finished yes of course really i don't remember the last time i ate something that you didn't i didn't finish yeah it's crazy talk that's that's that's i didn't get this belly that's women's [ __ ] leaving food for later interesting wow i think you're going to be all right dog that [ __ ] and i don't get up from the table until i'm done just starving kids in africa foley my last question is growing up did you have breakfast did you have milk with dinner no really i thought only white people did that hey hey hey and not all white people all right only real trashy ones well you are you telling me that the tanners were trash yeah there was 15 of them [ __ ] guys living in the house that ain't classy they had they had to have nine parents paying the mortgage on that thing i mean after after the mom passed away who was a tanner she wasn't yeah they were trash who knows what she was up to she was the friendly quirky neighbor that would stop by to she would say she was selling pills come on i didn't trust that kid as well she was she was [ __ ] getting high on her own supplies yeah you know john stamos was doing a little up in that room [ __ ] cleaning the rock i just caught that they were trash that was like such a cool family dynamic they had the dog comet that dog was great the fact that uncle jesse lived downstairs and had like a recording studio down there like yeah with rippers dude that was the coolest [ __ ] thing to me and i remember the one episode there was a light on it was like don't come down when this red light's on i'm like man i want a red light in my house you want that in your room for when you're when you're pulling your pud yeah would make you laugh i'd talk forever was that a song jesse in the room yeah justin the rivers uh what was the uh what was the guitarist name that uh dj dated or not yeah steve was it steve i don't know if steve played guitar but he played football yeah not steve but then she did it like viper so it was like something so on the nose yeah it was like a viper or a snake or something it was real bad all right i got one last one what is growing up what is or now at any time what is your favorite type of frozen pizza i can't answer i live in new york yeah frozen pizza in new york is sacrilegious i don't know i still get it i just had one stover's friend bread people spread people were talking the other day in the facebook group about uh digiorno's croissant crusted that's come on i went to get one what two nights ago but they didn't have it at the grocery store but they did have their pan pizza which is like their sicilian i feel like i'm never man never more than like four blocks from a decent place yeah you know sometimes just want frozen pizza [ __ ] no yeah maybe that's so good i don't know man i never caught myself craving a pizza that i had to wait a half hour [Laughter] that's pretty good that's what i go to uh you know any one of the pieces in 15 minutes and they get a fresh ass pie true maybe it's a suburban thing i don't know but sometimes i just crave like like a frozen like actual frozen pizza i don't even like tostino's pizza you better get the hell out of here get the doorman to kick him the [ __ ] out of here jesus christ throwing you out like jazzy jeff start trashing totino's i mean i think what's the verdict on this one i think it's pretty classy right oh yeah there's nothing there's nothing lean in trash i think that's just because you guys asked the wrong questions i don't know i mean you've definitely done trashy [ __ ] oh yeah questionable behavior but that doesn't make you a there's a difference between you know doing shitty things or trashy things or sexually permanent there's nothing wrong with that no um but i think i mean you know you had a solid upbringing you know i mean you got some you know a little bit of the new money thing but that's fine but everything i'm just enjoying life man yeah can't come at you for the pets we can't i can't get you on the phone you do the pets right i think it's a little too many pets but you do them right as soon as i leave here we're going back to the dog park and then i got to go to the fish store to pick up some uh reverse osmosis deionized water jesus christ i know a guy who can get you out on the street who makes that pellegrino uh buddy is there anything you want to promote anything you got coming up [ __ ] uh hey everybody play hq trivia we're back there you go seven nights a week at 9 00 pm get on it peeps get on it and what's your social matt was funny that was funny on all platforms except tick tock tick tock it's matt richards 808 i was going through a phase where i thought i was going to be a music producer i bought a little beat machine little mini keyboard thing i was trying to make beats that's what that's what i did people were scrambling over the coin cooking shows i didn't know what i was doing man i was like i gotta figure out something comedy has gone for the foreseeable future i'm about to make a beat oh my god that's awesome give me what do they got to know out there uh as always please make sure you rate review subscribe on itunes uh tell a friend about the show we're [ __ ] cooking with gas over here yes sir or you know now that the studio is up and running um patreon guys if you want to support the show you can go to patreon.com are you garbage there's three different levels you can choose and also too like we said before we get hit up so many times uh with people submitting their own questions for us to ask that if you do join up for patreon we will 100 answer your question uh or ask your question you know to a guest or if we do a a host episode or whatever um we will definitely get to it and you'll get bonus episodes every week you'll get a bonus episode of hard feelings every week and we're going to be doing videos and [ __ ] like that so sign up do it very nice and gang comment on the youtube youtube page if there's a guest that you want to see on the podcast please reach out to us uh tweet about it and stuff like that and uh we'll try to make it happen we love you and we'll see you next week i thought patreon was for like selling feet pics no that's uh only fans onlyfans.com kevin ryan come get these feet backslash h foley's butthole see you guys

Channel: AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast

Views: 9,537

Keywords: comedy podcast, comedy podcast matt richards, Matt Richards comedian, Matt Richards stand up, Matt Richards HQ trivia, Matt Richards interview, Matt Richards HQ, Comedy Podcast 2020, Funny podcast moments, Funny Podcasts to Listen To, Podcast Funny

Id: skXmg_A9YNE

Length: 65min 24sec (3924 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 11 2020