- An endless chain of
evaporating relationships. Does that sound a little
bit like your life? I know a lot of us can relate to that. I know I can, definitely, personally. In this month's patron's choice video, we're gonna be looking
at what is the pattern that ends up in having an endless chain of evaporating relationships? And what are some of the things that we can actually do about it? I know this was a major theme in my life. One of my very first videos
that really hit a nerve with people that I was
sharing on YouTube was called "Rejection is the story of my life." The analogy that I shared
was around needing people and having people so close and
it seems like I'm surrounded, but it's like a school of fish. As soon as I would reach out,
they would just evaporate. They would just disappear and there would be nothing actually there for me to grab on to. No way to actually get
support when I needed support. This phenomenon is something that we see a lot in our community. I see it a lot in my
emotional intelligence and relationship coaching work as well. Let's take a look at what
it actually looks like and what we can do about it. The key word that really hit me with this, and actually this phrase
was shared by someone in our Patreon community,
and when I heard it, it really hit home. The word evaporating, because it's not like the
relationships break down. It's not like, oh, we had a fight and now we don't talk anymore,
or there was some issue and we couldn't resolve it. It's more like, ah, yeah,
yeah, I'm talking to you, I turn my back, I do something else, I look around, and you're gone. What happened? Where was this relationship that I've been working so hard to build? There are a couple of common
things that seem to happen. One of them is the feeling
that I've been working so hard on this relationship. I've been putting everything
into this relationship. I've been doing everything I can. I've been doing things for you. I've been looking out for you. I've been prioritizing you. I've been basically doing all the work. When that is not reciprocated, and when I one day actually ask for help, and want some of that good work
and good will to be repaid, and when it's not repaid, that feels like a huge
amount of rejection there. This was part of the video that rejection is the story of my life. It's not a coincidence that
those two things go together because in a healthy
relationship you need both people to be committed and working
on the relationship. Even a friendship, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships here, although it's definitely very valid for romantic relationships as well. Our tendency, and I know
this was the case for me, I thought, how do I get friends? How do I make a relationship? I know, I will be a good friend. I will put in time and energy and I will give and give and give and give and then the other person
will see the value in me because I'm contributing a
lot to this relationship, and I'll have a good relationship. No, it doesn't work that way. Maybe you've tried that, maybe you have this
personal experience as well. There is a pattern that we can get into, and I saw this a lot,
especially in my friendships, that when I was looking
out for the relationship, when I was reaching out,
and keeping up contact and making sure I was
there for the other person, what ended up happening is
that the type of relationship we ended up forming was
one of exactly that. The type of relationship
where I don't ask for help, I give help. The kind of relationship where the other person doesn't get used to providing support for me. They get used to
receiving support from me. An analogy might be like, if
I'm trying to get my partner to learn how to clean the house, I want us to share the housework, me doing all of the housework all the time is not gonna help that happen. It's good and it's a good gift, but the only way for a
relationship to be healthy is for both people to take
responsibility there. This was really difficult for me to accept because I thought, surely,
I am such a good friend, I am making such a contribution
to this relationship, surely I kind of deserve
that to be reciprocated. Unfortunately, what it does
is it trains the other person not to be used to providing support. An analogy for this is like a muscle. If you pull it too hard and
test a relationship too strongly before it's strong, it will break. But at the same time, if you
don't test a relationship at all, it's a little bit like
not going to the gym at all and then one day trying to run a marathon. You need to train up and learn how to do these things slowly over time. What worked instead, basically
what I had to learn how to do to break this cycle of
rejection was to slowly but surely build the
strength of the relationship so that when I needed it, it was there. If I'm not testing it all
the time, it's a little bit like not going to the gym. If I go to the gym every day
and do a little bit of training then the one day that I really need it, I'll have that fitness 'cause I've built it up slowly over time. So what does that look like
to build up that relationship? It looks like asking for help sometimes in really small things. It looks like asking for favors. It looks like asking for
a level of commitment, maybe do you wanna have
a coffee every week, or something like that. It also looks like, if
someone does something that I'm not okay with,
I have to let them know that it's not okay and
that I've been upset or I've been hurt by
that or angered by that. Every time I get my friend
to understand my needs, too, and to do something
differently to cater for me and care for me in this
relationship, that helps next time. I used to think that by accepting whatever the other person did
I am increasing my chances of having a relationship because I'm fully accepting
of the other person. Unfortunately, I can't
just be fully accepting. You need two people who are in
the same relationship there. I guess the key message here is that a relationship needs
constant strengthening and if we don't constantly
strengthen a relationship, and constantly test a relationship, then the one time we need it, the one time we think I
can't possibly do this by myself anymore. I need to rely on this friend that I feel like I've been
building up for so long, this relationship, all of the sudden, it's not there and the relationship
breaks down immediately and we're left with absolutely nothing because we didn't test the
relationship early enough. We have to test it with small things before testing it with larger things. The good news here is that, although it feels like
it's an unending cycle, we do have the power to
actually change this pattern by changing our own behavior
and changing our reactions to what happens in relationships. One little thing is, and
this is the hardest part, the only way to break
the rejection cycle is to learn how to risk
rejection more regularly. Not in big ways, but in small ways. Every time we risk a small rejection, we also allow the possibility
for the relationship to grow and for the
relationship to strengthen. We risk a little bit and gain a little bit and risk a little bit
and gain a little bit. Many, many, many, many
small risks are much better than one massive risk. We tend to be pretty black
and white, us autistic people. We tend to not do anything at all and then suddenly go full leaning on the other person mode. And I'm gonna ask you
for absolutely everything and it often breaks the relationship. Which is one of the reasons that so many of us have trouble
maintaining relationships, 'cause we tend to be a
little bit black and white with those things. I guess the good news
is that we can learn how to do these things. It is difficult, but
if we know what to do, and we recognize the emotional
intelligence pattern, which we were accidentally propagating, then it's relatively
straightforward to start learning to do the things that
build strong relationships and break that cycle of rejection. Because the last thing you want is to feel as though you can't do anything about this endless chain of
evaporating relationships. The good news is you can
do something about it and break that cycle of rejection. I hope I've explained a
little bit, the key message of this video is that
relationships need strengthening over time and testing
in small ways constantly to build up that friendship
or build up that relationship. I think I might leave it there. If you're interested in more emotional
intelligence-related material, you can see my website of
emotionsexplained.com.au. If you'd like to have your say in next month's patron's choice video, then you can become a
cup of coffee supporter of this channel for less
than a dollar a week. I hope that's been helpful. Stay tuned for more videos
on the topic of autism and managing relationships because that's something
we all struggle with, so I'm focusing on that
for the next little while, sharing my emotional
intelligence expertise, because that's my special interest. I will say goodbye, which
is not my skill set, but I'll try anyway, okay, bye.
