As I Lay Dying: Misery Evolving - The Story of Tim Lambesis & As I Lay Dying

I hurt every single person in my life people who loved me people who cared for me people who knew me and spent substantial parts of their lives with me I heard many of them to a devastating degree at the very least my behavior incited anger and disappointment on the other hand had put fear and helplessness in the hearts of people who are innocent and blameless I went to prison on a charge of solicitation of another to commit murder it was the end of a dark ruinous path I chose to walk down for far too long putting good people through pain and misery is a monumental regret I will carry for the rest of my life I wish every day I could take it back days in a prison cell are what they're supposed to be every silent minute defaulted to the shameful recollection of who I'd become and what I've done the scope of suffering I created in my inability to change it who and what I had lost in my inability to undo that great harm for me those minutes occupied hours that slowly became days for months upon months spanning almost four years over those years I began to seek hope in the mess of my shame and disgrace I chose to believe that I could take small steps from out of the depths of my self-inflicted ruin that the lessons I've learned from my mistakes and failures could be used to signal others away from a similar course I have a heart for those struggling with mental health and addiction the complexities of both plagued my past and is my desire to help them in their journey through and out of those things prison granted me both time and opportunities to complete all the necessary courses to become an addiction treatment counselor it gave me the opportunity to make a positive impact as a case manager at a recovery facility upon my release he gave me a chance to make a difference I resent the person I became during the darkest period of my past a large part of my life's work now is to prevent others from going down the same destructive paths I stand against all forms of domestic violence and any other type of behavior that creates fear or feelings of helplessness and others I'm thankful for every new day and consider each one an opportunity to do something positive in any way I can I accept and acknowledge that many will resent and reject me though I live and breathe remorse daily it will never erase the pain I inflicted upon the world around me and within the lives of those who never deserved it I understand the varying degrees conditions and timeframes every individual has with regards to their capacity to forgive I'm tremendously grateful for anyone who has accepted my efforts to make amends and ultimately given me a second chance especially those who have known me at my worst after his arrest Tim's lack of empathy and dis concern for those he hurt led us to believe there was no hope for change it was heartbreaking to see no longer resembled the person I once knew at a point in time he and I were close we started as lay dying together and we stay committed to it during those tough early times over time we found like-minded individuals guys with comparable dedication and drive with Nick Phil and then Josh in the fold we had finally grown into the identity of what the band is still today there is a very special bond a dynamic warmed through being an highly active band for over a decade a relationship is a balance of creative collaboration working through disagreements together and living in close proximity that relates for the majority of your lives naturally a sort of relationship is vulnerable to tension distance and isolation of unaddressed with Tim we slowly lived through it became a drastic change in character and composure over the years in the early days it was his tenacity and focus that kept the band moving forward the sort of ambition and focus he possessed was something we all admired his focus and commitments to specific outcomes gave us the resilience to weather the challenges and obstacles most bands face when trying to make things happen for themselves with time and success though we saw those same strengths shift towards personal interest often above all else his positions and things became more obviously self centric his inability to understand or assume any perspective other than his own created years of turmoil at first but eventually grew to personal detachment within the group in order to keep the wheels from falling off everyone sort of withdrew into their own worlds and operated in a somewhat detached manner that kept the band dynamic emotionally distant but professionally functional we were all identifying his trajectory towards self-destruction but no one expected the jurassic and devastating degree of where his behavior would lead tim's arrests and incarceration marked only the beginning for everyone near this i think for me and maybe the rest of the guys we were in a state of shock and avoidance for years while our pain wasn't to the same degree as those he harmed there was no real precedent in our lives or the history of our friends and family to advise us on how to handle or process what had happened we started new things new bands new careers businesses different journeys with positive intent to draw our focus away from the monumental chaos of what we had been forced to live through I was always taught to work to put my head down and do good to be good I'm proud of every endeavor I invested myself in but over time I began to realize that the attention towards cathartic and meaningful pursuits does not necessarily equate to repairing what's damaged what we learned over the years is that there is no bouncing back some things are just so extreme so heavy and unreal that they break you they change who you are and who you used to be the best you can do is learn how to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together hope and pray that wounds will heal we all turned to whatever we could to reclaim some semblance of balance back in our lives some of those things were healthy some of those were not the years spent busying ourselves and neglecting the damage within eventually created tension and distance between some of us Phil Josh Jordan and I were the only ones who truly understood the complexity of what the other was going through and none of us could find viable solutions to emotionally recover hopelessness is a fear without end peace and restoration feel beyond reach it can leave you feeling lost and isolated even in the presence of other people for some of us time itself did not mend wounds but it did inform us of unhealthy ways to cope hatred is unhealthy I've learned over the years that if someone hurts you or even just people you care about it's natural and completely valid to be angry and resentful towards them it's your decisions on how to handle the weight of those emotions that will dictate the quality of your life thereafter avoidance solves nothing we tried for years to take the out-of-sight out-of-mind approach I believe time can heal but some of that time needs to be spent actively trying to fix what's damaged we spent years focusing on positive activities and endeavors but in the end all well-intentioned endeavors felt like us trying to apply band-aids upon broken bones I learned that trying to control things you cannot will leave you frustrated and feeling powerless I spent years doing an anger that Tim didn't get a longer prison sentence I consistently let myself become angry at the idea of him being happy again after his release both things outside of my control that it was somehow allowing to lets tear my emotions I was constantly flustered by my inability to create an identity of my own it felt as if my value became what people could get me to say about Tim and the attention that sort of headline could attract it didn't really matter what positive pursuit or endeavor I was trying to draw direct focus to I felt like the only story I was worth my inability to control the narrative others kept me and furthered my internal resentments anger on the other end of things I found that the applications of love forgiveness and compassion are true in their power to relieve somewhere along the years Phil and I had a falling-out interpersonal band frustrations the pressures of owning and running our venue plus the weight of our personal lives created a year and a half long rift of non-communication and bitterness it's toxic to carry acrimonious feelings in your heart it's hard to live a genuinely kind and peaceful life while refusing to release ill-will that sort of coexistence is unsustainable Phil and I as reconnection was rooted in the desire to let go of the animosity we were allowing to consume us we both recognized our roles and where things went south and desired more to find positive resolve and reconciliation and wasting years hating one another through that I believe we learned the profound value of what forgiveness can do from oneself none of us were expecting Tim to completely and publicly take ownership of his past we had seen prior behavior where he attempted to excuse his actions and place blame on other people substances or circumstances I think for all of us it created a sort of trepidation towards what he might do or say after being released that there would be this threat of him abusing a public platform to sell his side of the story in a way that was untruthful so when we were made aware of his release we initially resisted his efforts to formally apologize as we wanted to see what he did not just what he said we needed to see examples of a changed human being someone who recognized acknowledged and expressed deep remorse for who they were and what they had done and over time that's who he had shown himself to be we saw these changes through his work in the recovery community and productivity in prison outreach he also respectfully utilized the reach of our bands platform to not just say he was truly and deeply sorry but to take responsibility for everything our expectations for all these years was for him to emerge from prison as a different version of his older self perhaps worse but when we saw something positively unexpected by way of deeds and behavior it opened us all up to the notion that Tim may have made some substantial progress and changed throughout his process of rehabilitation when you observe over time someone's sincere in their efforts to make amends pick themselves back up and try to utilize the lessons they've learned to become a better person that makes it easier to let go of the resentments you've been carrying from the past it took a lot for me to let Tim back in my life I needed to see a changed man who was also held accountable for his actions his years been in prison changed him in a positive way so for me the combination of them facing his punishment growing for the better because of it being sincere in his expression of remorse and committing his life to atonement was enough for me to hear him out I had seen enough of what Tim was doing right to finally meet up he utilized a lot of that time respectfully by simply listening hearing me express my experience with what he put everyone through and then apologizing for and acknowledging the consequences of his actions for others there was a vulnerability I had never seen before from him and I began to understand and recognize that he too was trying to pick up whatever pieces of his life that he could everyone had spent years dealing with inner turmoil and the unhealthy harboring of cancerous emotions we had learned the value of what letting go of those things could do for ourselves so when we finally saw an opportunity to love and forgive and accept we seized it to be in an atmosphere where there is care and concern for one another and a dynamic that had once become distant and intolerable is something we were tremendously grateful for this band wasn't initially built on friendship but through all these years in a thoughtful situation one has now grown from it through all of this I have come to recognize the importance of actively seeking help for the varying struggles people endure we all come from different places with different upbringings with different complexities of relationships and various scopes of hardships life has unique ways of exposing us all to great joy and great sorrow it's natural and effortless to share in the ups of our experiences but when we're low when we're down the intricacy of pain can be so many different things all of which we tend to keep inside I believe there is unbelievable power and communities built on love acceptance and healing it's so important and what seems like a world of emotional disarray for a charity like heart support to exist we believe in their main purpose to help young people overcome depression and various forms of adversity whether by a live interaction through their twitch community or their anonymous support wall or even just seeking professional help in general it's imperative to address all forms of deep mental and emotional duress and someone that is equipped to help you no one should bear this crippling burdens on their own I hope the downfall of my past can be redefined by the way I live the rest of the life I do have ahead of me that I can prove over time how the process of serving my sentence created a renewed sense of purpose and desire to do what I can to make amends with those I've heard to put my life into the people works and endeavors I love and contribute in all the ways I can to facilitate healing for those who have ever felt hopeless broken alienated desperate or traumatized I resent and rebuke who I became and what I had done everyone does as a band our agenda is to actively back and work with organizations who offer support to those who are emotionally suffering and in pain whether it be from a history of abuse hardship or mental illness proactivity and healing and recoveries at the core of what this band is now we wanted to share and release the video detailing our journey specifically through Hart support an organization we believe in that functions to provide emotional support and counseling to young adults caught in the cycles of addiction depression sexual abuse and domestic violence our mission is to continually seek and implement ways to facilitate positive meaningful change in the world around us even if simple interest in the details of our personal stories guides a single person to the Hart Support website or they end up realizing they can be helped through issues they are dealing with that alone would be something positive we can draw from all this dark history we live in a climate that perpetually highlights stories of disgrace misery or failure where ours was at one point all of those things I believe there can be powerful potential and the wholehearted pursuit to do what it is we love and have chemistry doing together and from lessons learned from the past and through this endeavor extract lessons of love forgiveness healing and the ability to turn their life around from its lowest point by trying our best to make as much good from this as possible we commit to sharing and standing behind a rather simple message there can be hope for everyone [Music]

Channel: HeartSupport

Views: 402,226

Rating: 4.8872166 out of 5

Keywords: heart support, august burns red, counseling, tim lambesis, story, as i lay dying, tim lambesis 2019, tim lambesis wife, tim lambesis interview 2019, tim lambesis scream, tim lambesis court, as i lay dying live, as i lay dying live 2019, as i lay dying redefined, as i lay dying reaction, as i lay dying my own grave, as i lay dying 2019, as i lay dying album, jake luhrs screaming, jake luhrs studio, jake luhrs as i lay dying, misery evolving, as i lay dying misery evolving

Id: 7gnjppvo93o

Length: 15min 26sec (926 seconds)

Published: Wed May 29 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Roseland]

Okay, well, yeah. That's enough of that. Give it another go in a few months see if we can all play nice.

We are all for lively debate. We will not have either side insulting the other.

[u/duroberz]

This was so powerful. HeartSupport saved my life a few years ago and I absolutely love the fact they are teaming up with AILD.

If you are struggling, please please seek help. You are never alone. Hold Fast. 💪🤘🙏

[u/jumpshot62889]

Misery Evolving is also the description of my current emotional state while I wait for them to announce whether or not we're getting a full album :O

[u/docdrazen]

I like the video. It's really hard for me to accept all of this though. I get the he did his time but maybe it's just the cynic in me. I want to believe he's reformed and doing good. It sounds like he's doing good things since he's gotten out of jail.

I don't know though. I guess it's me being cynical. While I can see all of this being sincere and I really hope it is. Part of me wonders if it's all just them taking an opportunity to capitalize on it. Wovenwar never got near where AILD did and I feel like that had to be really frustrating for them. Tim coming out and the subsequent revival of AILD. So much attention will be on that and it makes me wonder if it's all for the money. Like we're all just being played.

I really don't want that to be true. I hope this is all sincere. AILD was one of the first metalcore bands I heard back in 03-04. I only liked Forever to be honest. Then I got Shadows Are Security and damn did that change my mind on them. I gave Frail Words a second chance and I could appreciate it.

I just really want this all to be real. It's hard to not be cynical about all of this. People deserve second chances, I believe that. I'm just hesitant with everything that's happened.

Anyways, just my thoughts on the matter.

[u/SomeKindOfMonster]

This was a really great mini-doc on Tim and the band. Some powerful messages and great footage. I'm glad they put this out.

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/Tilt23Degrees]

I personally think this is fantastic.

[u/bainmack]

I forgive you Tim.

[u/[deleted]]

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