Army Paratroopers Confront Iraqi Combatants in Hand-to-Hand Battle

dude you sign right here we can get you twenty thousand dollars you can be a cook in the army nah I said I want to jump out of planes and fight and they at this point they're like wow like this is stupid like they told me for the first time in history a recruiter was honest so my name is Fernando Arroyo and I served in the US Army from 2002 August of 2002 till I got out February of 2008. what rank did you get out uh Sergeant E5 right on um talk to me about where you're from and what your childhood upbringing was like yeah my childhood I grew up in the City of Bell Gardens by East L.A so it's a small City there was a lot of gangs um my parents came here from Mexico so I lived in a one-bedroom house family of four and then I remember my uncle he got out of prison because he uh got in a fight he kicked a L.A County Sheriff's deputy in the chest because he was drinking in public and the sheriffs were like you can't do that so he just thought I don't know he was drunk or whatever so when he moved in for a few years it was uh five of us in a one-bedroom house and um growing up there was a lot of gangs and I remember a lot of my friends that I grew up with and you know Elementary School they would grow up they joined gangs or they became taggers what later became known as tag bangers from different gangs and uh so I had an exciting childhood because there was like police chases like I remember as a kid watching cartoons on TV and then all of a sudden it's like Fox News you know breaking news there's a high-speed chase or whatever and like oh the car's exiting uh the 710 freeway exiting Florence and I'm like down the street from there and we're like oh and like all the kids were right now on the street and we're cheering on this guy he's like in a gang banger stolen vehicle the cops are chasing him and then the helicopters like get inside you're in danger and we're like you know um just stuff like that and some of my friends were murdered I remember um like drive-by shootings I remember uh just witnessing drug use heroin a lot of crack um a lot of homeless there was a I don't know the first time I saw somebody die there was a drive-by shooting down the street and uh and I remember just hearing gunshots and like I ever knew as a kid like what to do you get down you wait for the shooting to stop and then the car you know took off and then I remember me and my brother we got up and we ran down the street to go see what happened and then there was this guy bleeding on the sidewalk on the street and he was internally bleeding and he kept getting swollen and the paramedics were doing CPR and then I just knew he died because they'd like stopped and they just put a white like blanket a white sheet over him on the street and then they the cops like put the yellow tape up and they're like all right everybody like unless you saw something like leave and so I was like oh he's dead and that was my friend Jose's cousin so um yeah I witnessed a lot of stuff like that a lot of gang activity and things I think what helped me uh stay out of gangs was one was like I grew up going to church my mom is the one that took me to church so I grew up Christian going to church and then the other thing was that I had my dad so my parents were still married to this day and I remember my dad told me he's like like my friends would make fun of me when I was a kid it's 9 p.m it's like 9 p.m get inside the house you know and then my friends are like oh that's it you got to go inside and making fun and then my dad's like you see those kids you see your friends he's like they don't have a dad he's like you see like they're they're not gonna go places and like okay and he was right but yeah did you ever uh did your friends ever uh pressure you uh on joining a gang uh yeah I mean it wasn't like hard pressure I knew them since we were friends you know little kids and they would you know join gangs and they're like oh come on you should like hang out with us or you know I would smoke weed I would hang around I was like a hang around but they're like oh what's up like when are we gonna jump you in and I'm just like nah uh nah I don't want to join the gang like oh you're a little [ __ ] or whatever they would say and you know we're getting high we're drinking the cops are like you know searching us and everything else I've never been arrested I've just been like in handcuffs like on my knees you know on the street cop searching me my friends got arrested I think what happened was like once I came like became a freshman in high school a lot of my friends um they got kicked out of school or they got locked up like attempted murder or whatever else and they were just like in a lot of them went to boot camps like youth boot camps so then I ended up finding a new group of friends they weren't the best but they weren't gang banging so they were still smoking weed and ditching school and stuff but that's what kept me from going down the path of joining a gang yeah I was 17 years old and I just started my uh I was 17 years old and I just started my senior year at Bell Gardens High School and I remember on September 11 there were no lectures like I went to school my first class my buddy Max told me did you hear what happened in New York and I was like no and he's like oh there was a bomb a bomb exploded in the World Trade Center I was like okay I didn't think anything of it then my next class the bell rang I went to my second period class and then all the students were still there and some were crying and they were watching a TV in front of the classroom so then I walked in class and I looked at the TV and then I saw the tower one of the towers was on fire and then I saw smoke then I saw a second airplane hit the other Tower and then I saw people jumping out through the smoke and committing suicide on live TV and then they said America is under attack and I was like this is my time like I wanted to join as a kid and I'm going to join once I became a senior in high school like I was getting like all this recruitment mail from different branches because they're allowed to do that it's like hey you're 17 my parents could sign and I could join and I remember seeing this um this postcard type recruitment thing it was like a postcard and it was these dudes and like camo on the Zodiac boat going down a river but their gear looked like I haven't seen it before it was like they had M16s but they were smaller M16s which were m4s I didn't know at the time and they had like different gadgets you know like Scopes and stuff and I'm like what the hell is this like I never saw a saw uh M249 saw before and it was a small one with a scope on it and I'm like oh like this has to be Marines because it's like they're on the water on a boat and then when I turned it it said do you have what it takes to be an Airborne Ranger and then it talked about Army Ranger school I'm like oh so I researched that and I thought I want to go to Ranger school so the Army has Ranger school then I um heard about being a paratrooper like these guys they're infantry but they train a parachute out of airplanes and then I think at the time is when uh Band of Brothers came out and it was like the World War II paratroopers 100 first Airborne 82nd Airborne I was like oh I want to be in the 82nd Airborne so I went to the recruiter and he's like what do you want to do in the army and I was like I want to be a paratrooper and like they all started laughing and they're like nah you don't want to do that that's stupid man like you don't want to do that I was like why not they're like why do you want to jump out of an airplane I usually wait till it lands to get out like it's stupid why parachute out of a plane like you don't need to do that I was like nah man like that's badass I want to jump in they're like dude you'll be like the first one in I'm like great I want to be the first one and I want to jump out of planes and he's like let me ask you something have you ever been on an airplane and I grew up poor you know I was like no I've never been on a plane and he's like oh no it's like dude you don't want to do that he goes he slides me a paper he's like we need Cooks the Army needs Cooks he's like they have a twenty thousand dollar sign up bonus if you want to be a cook in the army he's like have you ever had twenty thousand dollars I was like no I've never had twenty thousand dollars he's like dude you sign right here we can get you twenty thousand dollars you can be a cook in the army nah I said I want to jump out of planes and fight and they at this point they're like wow like this is stupid like they told me for the first time in history a recruiter was honest he was like dude like you you know don't come to me and say my recruiter lied and all this crap he's like it's gonna suck you're gonna jump out of planes it's not fun it's not skydiving and you're gonna be in the rain and the mud and the snow like you're a grunt it's gonna be bad sign me up all right four years Airborne infantry contract 82nd Airborne Fort Bragg North Carolina so my first time on an airplane I graduated June of 2002 from high school and then August 20th 2002 I I left for uh Fort Benning Georgia so my first time on an airplane was getting on a plane to LAX to fly to Georgia to learn how to be a grunt and jump out of planes and I remember being on the airplane and you know the pilots checked the wings and you know they do their little checks pre-flight stuff and I I didn't know and I was scared it was just like stuff is moving around I'm like what's going on like we haven't even taken off and I was like oh no like I messed up and then the plane's taking off and it's shaky and I remember when it took off like La just like disappeared and I was like I can't jump out of this like the recruiter was right I started praying to God I was like God help me help me so I grew up going to church and I'm a Christian and so I prayed a lot I was like oh did I just made make the worst decision of my life because I can't jump out of planes like you know I was scared but I made it to Fort Benning Georgia and hope Fort Benning George's home of the Infantry in the Army if your infantry you go through what's called one station unit training so from from boot camp basic training to infantry school it's the same drill sergeants they're all infantry and they like they groom you from the beginning to the end like from the beginning to like infantry School Advanced tactics room clearing everything you know and so I was there for I was like 14 weeks and uh I don't know boot camp stories I remember I remember first like my first time waking up um in boot camp it was like the fire alarms went off and it's just these bright white lights flashing and like someone I one of the drill sergeants just like I was in the top bunk and he pushed me off and I fell like it hurt I fell on my right shoulder like boom but the adrenaline's going because it's like the alarms going off and then they're like they have like the aluminum trash cans and they're just throwing them making noise banging them they're like you're gonna [ __ ] die you're gonna die and we're like crap and they told us the day before like this is what you do in case of a fire like it was a fire drill you great you know all this grab the fire extinguishers you go to the bag this is where you assemble to get accounted for and it was just like boom instant like hit the ground running and um I put on my shoes and I'm running trash cans are flying and people are falling over each other and then it was just like uh it felt like forever but it was just a smoke session like just push-ups uh flutter kicks burpees or they call them like eight count bodybuilders it seemed like non-stop you know it's like and it was summer it was August so Georgia was hot and humid I wasn't used to that you know being from California just like it's like being in a sauna and you can't stop sweating you just stay wet and you just keep and then we're rolling roll left roll right in the sand and just I remember doing that a lot a lot of roll left roll right so what was it like um jumping out of the plane the first time for you yeah Airborne school was three weeks and it's just down it's not far like it's all Fort Benning so I jumped five times day and night the first time I jumped everybody was scared we're like packing into the back like sardines and a C-130 uh aircraft I remember the plane landed and I'm already like rigged up I've been inspected helmet on uh Reserve parachute and parachute in my back no combat gear it was my first jump It's what's called a Hollywood jump you know it's just as easy as it gets when you're airborne but it was hard because it was my first time the plane lands the ramp goes down we walk in the back I could smell the exhaust and then uh the ramp closed and like I remember when the ramp closed I was like when this plane lands I'm not gonna be in it and then it takes off and then the commands start 20 minutes and then you yell it out 20 minutes then 10 minutes and then uh Al board Personnel stand up inboard Personnel stand up then hook up you have a static line I hooked it up to a cable in the airplane that I'm gonna hand off to the jump master and the safety before I just Chuck myself out of the side door then the doors open the wind's blowing and I'm just like heart racing and I'm like can I do this can I do this as I'm holding the static line and then they're like one minute 30 seconds and then Stand By and then the first guy hands off his line and he's just standing at the door looking out and just looking straight ahead and then there's a red light and a green light on the door and then it turns green and they're like slap them in the ass green light go and then it's just like one after another so all I did was look at the feet of the guy in front of me and just walk as he walked and then he disappeared I didn't want to see it it's just like a vacuum and then I just had like I locked eyes with the safety he grabbed my static line I see the sky and the trees and then I just threw myself out I think I closed my eyes you put your feet and knees together hand on the reserve and I have eyes closed and then it's one thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand and you should feel the tug of the parachute and I did if you don't you got to pull your reserve so I felt the parachute open I opened my eyes it's open it's like check canopy look around it's just like it's really peaceful coming down slow it's like oh and then you hit the ground like a sack of crap it was terrible my knees hurt till this day from all the jumps uh so I was stationed at Fort Bragg North Carolina and then that was like an eye-opening experience to be there with like seasoned paratroopers and then about like I think it was like two months when I arrived to my unit I was voluntold to go try out for a Recon team I was in team three of the first Battalion 505th parachute Infantry Regiment um Scout platoon things started getting worse in Iraq real fast the Insurgency started kicking up and then um and then we got the call it was now our term where drf1 were bags packed ready to go and we get the call like hey let's go you got to go to Iraq and then we got told that we're going to the city of Fallujah that it was out of control and um it was like a an Insurgency like hot spot and it was a part of the Sunni triangle the triangle of death so where Fallujah was it's like like a triangle there's like I don't know what cities there were it's like Baghdad Fallujah and like some other I don't remember um but it was bad so I remember going to Fallujah and then uh that's when I started seeing action for real like um my first time in combat I remember my first mission in Fallujah my buddies had already gone into the city that week it was like my first week of being there and they were just taking contact they would go out on night missions getting gun fights that's when we started hearing about roadside bombs and stuff IEDs and um I was like dude like when is it gonna be my turn you know we were getting rocket and mortar attacked in the base but it was finally like my turn to going to the city and I remember sitting in the back of a cargo Humvee with night vision inside the base and we're like lined up in Convoy formation and I remember we're all looking at the city of Fallujah from what later would be called Camp Volusia the Marines would rename it um and I could see Tracer rounds flying into the sky and we had these Army Intel guys intercepting radio and telephone uh conversations in Arabic and then The Interpreter said that the insurgents are shooting in the air and they're challenging us to a fight and they're saying that when the Americans come into the city we're going to kill them so then uh we had some 10th Mountain guys there we were attached to 10th Mountain for this Mission because I was in a Recon sniper team and um Captain Kirkpatrick he was the company commander of this company from the 10th mountain and he's like we'll be right there when the Insurgent said oh we're gonna kill the Americans he's like we'll be right there and then chaplain Kramer oh no no chaplain Knight he was a former operator with the tier one unit became a chaplain and he gathered us and he said let's pray and his prayer was you know God guide our bullets to hit the skulls of these Savages and send them to the depths of Hell in your name amen Mount up like all right let's go Lock and Load and I'm like my heart's racing I had just turned 19. and we're driving towards the city of Fallujah the bullets are flying in the sky and then we hit a dirt road on the side of the city and then the bullet stopped so we knew we were being watched it's like okay all of a sudden the city's quiet we're driving up and down the streets of Fallujah looking for a fight doing like um Search and Destroy and uh it was a ghost town it was like we're going up and down the streets like where are these guys they were shooting in the air like we're right here you know so then there was nothing so we drive in the outskirts I think it's the Euphrates rivers out there the Euphrates River and there's tall it's like my Euphrates river is like Tall Grass swampy area and uh I remember hearing two explosions and I felt a blast in my chest just boom boom and I saw two glowing uh red projectiles fly over uh my Humvee like five feet over and it was two RPGs two rocket propelled grenades it was an ambush and then I see red and green Tracer rounds flying my way I have night vision on so like I had PBS 14s so like over my right eye I have the night vision but so I could see green through one eye and then glowing red through the other and I'm just like crap and I felt the Humvee like move because we're trying to get out of the Kill Zone right we're in the Ambush site the Kill Zone and it was like an out-of-body experience I remember I had my pack four infrared laser and I could see it through my night vision and I'm just returning fire to the muzzle flash and then uh to my right was Corporal McGuire my team leader and he started shooting his 203 Grenade Launcher and then um I remember he was loading his 203 and he yelled he's like he like nudged me he's like hey there's a guy running and I see this guy running like he's trying to get a better position he has an AK and he's trying to get a better position to shoot as we're like trying to get out of there and I remember just like aiming at him as we're moving and I put like so when we loaded our magazines the first five rounds we put Tracer rounds just to know when we're running out so when you shoot you know like one two three four five like you know like Trace arounds they glow red red red red oh I'm about to run out so it was the last rounds in my mag and I remember seeing those Tracer rounds go through him like boom boom boom like they're like flying you know they would go through him and disappear in the tall grass and it was like so fast I'm just like and then it's like click I said changing mags and I dropped the mag as the Humvee is moving and I put a fresh mag I let the bolt go forward and then when I put up my weapon again ceasefire like it was over so that was the first time I shot someone and I didn't feel anything I didn't feel like oh my God I just shot someone it was like I said it's like an out of body experience the training kicks in it was until later that night we went to like a it was a wrong site or rest overnight site and I just remember sitting there and thinking did I just kill the guy because that night after that that Ambush we turned around and went back to the same spot like looking for more and there was blood there were no bodies like they they took their dead because the Muslims they have like 24 hours before like when you die if you're Muslim they want to wrap you up and do this whole cleansing thing or else you don't go to heaven or something like that so they would collect their dead but there was just blood and like weapons and bullet shells and stuff and I remember thinking like damn I just shot somebody like I put bullets in a dude and I didn't I didn't feel guilt about that but with the thing that like I remember thinking about was it wasn't hard they were hitting supply routes really hard like trying to keep us from getting food and water and we would go out into the desert where there was like a more frequent uh roadside bombs and we'd be out there at night and set up sniper teams and just watch the road and then they would work in like three man teams so a car rolls up the driver gets out looks around opens the trunk pulls out a shovel starts digging puts the shovel in the car you know the trunk closes it the next guy shows up drops off the bomb leaves the last guy rolls up um puts the Detonator usually by cell phone they'd like attach it and then cover it up and then wait for troops you know so I remember like this guy he like dug the hole and Roe Rules of Engagement said like if your past curfew you're on the side of the road and you're digging a hole we can kill you so this guy puts a shovel back in his trunk after digging a hole sits down I put my pack floor in for her laser pointed through the back windshield to the back seat and I just pop off one round and then I just remember like seeing the round go well I saw the I didn't see the bullet it wasn't a tracer but like the the wind the back window like just all like cracked and then I saw the guy slump and then he like put his car in drive and drove off and like we did that several times and then I remember we lost our first guy staff sergeant Johnson um a roadside bomb they the enemy had an uh uh I think it was like a 105 how it's around or whatever they use some Russian round um and two propane tanks like hidden on the side of the road it blew up shrapnel hit Sergeant Johnson burned him like it was it was uh you know he he was our our first and only Kia that deployment and we had like 99 wounded we had one Kia and when I heard about his death um I'm like dude like am I gonna die so at the age of 19 I'm I'm thinking man like there's a lot of death um is God good is is God is even here does he care about me and then I was also thinking is this as far as I'm gonna live at 19 years old is this going to be the end of my life like am I gonna die out here in this crap city of Fallujah is this it you know then when I came back that's when I started like experiencing things like I'd wake up at night looking for my weapon um and it was put away it was In The Arms Room I didn't have it anymore but I like slept with it I had it all the time that I was so used to it if someone slammed the door I'd jump on the ground I thought it was an IED um just things like that that I thought were I kind of shook it off but I didn't realize like a lot of my friends were going through the same thing um having weird dreams and stuff but none of us talked about it I remember we had like a safety brief like hey you're gonna get back some of you had kids while you were here and you haven't met them yet um don't get mad when your baby pushes you away because your baby doesn't know you you know you're a new face you smell different um they're like don't drink and drive don't beat your wife don't beat your dog blah blah blah and that was it and then they asked do you want to talk to a psychologist no do you want to talk to a chaplain no okay sign here and then we just return to base and then it was a lot of self-destructive Behavior getting drunk we're back partying getting in fights on the streets in the city of Fayetteville we called it Vietnam just going like they're different bars and clubs and it seemed normal because we all went through it and if everyone around you is doing it then it's just what we do it's a culture and what I didn't realize Looking Back Now it's like all of us had PTSD I mean we had platoons where like everyone in the platoon had a purple heart it was just everybody yeah just so many purple hearts and a lot of combat experience a lot of trauma too but we didn't we didn't know anything about it but we were in the barracks and we heard rumors that that um supposedly the Army tier one unit had pinpointed Bin Laden and we were gonna get a call to go and like help take him out and stuff in Afghanistan so there was like rumors that's always like that there's rumors and it turns out it was we went for the first elections in Afghanistan to provide extra security and I remember when we got the call Red Corvette and everybody's like getting out of their Barracks room and we're all drinking it was like red Corvette hell yeah we're going to war chugging beer getting ready listening to rock music you know I did smoke weed in Afghanistan really I I did you know I'll say that here it's not I wrote a book it's not in the book it got taken out how'd that come about so I wasn't on this Mission because again I was a part of a three-man sniper team and um I remember uh I think it was second platoon first first and second platoon Bravo Company in my unit were there and I think it was second platoon went on a mission and they they didn't have room for me so the my buddy uh Sergeant Mish and Kyle Kyle Asbury um they went on this Mission they're like hey just stay back it's cool so they came back and like Sunset and then Mish came over and he's like hey come here Royo come here I'm like what he opens up his we called it an assault bag it's just like a tactical backpack he opened it up and he starts kind of like waffing it at me and I'm like it smells like weed he's like shut the [ __ ] up dude like don't say that out loud so what happened is they went out on this Mission they found this crop of weed this huge field so they had to burn it like that's what they were doing but before they burned it a few guys went up to the plants and just kind of hugged the he opened up his body armor hugged this weed tree he said it was taller than him hugged it ripped the bottom with his knife and just stuffed it in his body armor and then he like put it in his assault bag and then uh he broke it down and then he had it in a Ziploc bag and then he had to dry it so on the perimeter of this small Outpost um he put it on the Hesco baskets on the C wire to get sun and then he says he went to the captain and he goes hey uh you know we're here to make sure that when the people vote it's safe right we're here for security why don't we put a sniper team on this Rooftop in this town of zermont and they're going to vote in this little this little building we can watch it make sure the enemy doesn't booby trap it and the captain's like that's a great dude that's a great idea of course so we would walk out the wire at night just walk into the town lock and low night vision just walk right out call it up on the radio like you know um Bravo six this is Hawk my call son was hawk three Romeo uh three packs leaving the wire time now copy we'd walk out we went to this abandoned building it was a three-story building we got to the rooftop and we'd watch we had night vision we had thermal scopes we had all this you know gear sniper rifles and we look and there was there was nothing happening there's like stray dogs running around and stuff okay so then Mish pulled out a Coke can emptied it out bent it put holes in it and I'm just sitting there like dude is my squad leader Really Gonna smoke this and you know puts the weed on it go and then he passes it to Kyle and then I'm like looking at Kyle and I'm wondering like is he gonna say no Kyle smoked it and then it's like pass it to me and I'm like well I'm 19 years old this is my second time in combat I might die like I'm in I'm in Afghanistan like so I smoked and I think I smoked like three times that deployment and it was a trip like being on a on a sniper team on a rooftop Outside The Wire with thermals and night vision and high and I was just like oh like dude like The Thermals black and white and I'm watching a pack of dogs attacking a donkey and the donkey's kicking them and I'm just like whoa like just out of my mind like high and I'm like dude it didn't make you like paranoid or nothing it did I remember like any sound I was like like the enemy's like they're coming up the stairs bro you know this one Mission we were on the side of a mountain watching um we had found an IED earlier that day and blew it up and the enemy they were lazy they would use the same craters so we came back at night and were watching this Crater from the side of a mountain it's like this like cinderblock house that on the side of a mountain that it looked like a bomb hit it like it was like there's no roof you know like barely it's barely giving us any any cover but it's not and it's Afghanistan so it's really dark and then we smoked again and I just remember being paranoid like looking up the mountain and thinking if if the enemy comes over this mountain like we're fighting them up on an uphill battle and I'm high I'm gonna die and luckily nothing like that happened to us so that deployment went it was pretty uneventful a few hits a few incoming rockets and mortars and then uh then we came back so between Afghanistan and my last deployment is when I went to Ranger school went to Florida for the jungle phase past came back and then I was supposed to get out of the army August of 2006 and then I got a letter in the mail that said attention to orders you are stop loss so the Army said we can't afford to lose you because we were deploying again to Beijing Iraq and I was going to get out before that but they said no you're not now you're going to stay and August of 2006 I was supposed to be out and instead I was in Kuwait on my way to Iraq and I thought in the back of my mind I said I'm going to die like this is going to be my last deployment I'm going to die like how is it that I'm supposed to get out and this is like unheard of like um I have to stay and I have to go to war and they were saying it was going to be a year deployment that it was The Surge so it was called The Surge uh General Petraeus the commander of forces in Iraq he um he wrote the book on counter Insurgency and he said we have the enemy running in Iraq we need to send more troops surround them and Destroy them so they couldn't afford to lose any troops and that was me I was part of that so I remember getting stop loss getting the orders in the mail I was mad my girlfriend left me the scalpel platoon kicked me out I just wanted to get out and move on with my life and the Army was like no and that right there I had this anger towards the Army and then I also again I grew up going to church and I questioned God's goodness and combat after everything I saw and then now that I was stop loss I was just blaming God I was like oh you know God's gonna kill me in Iraq this is where I'm gonna die and like I was just um I was just I just I wanted someone to point the finger at and say this is your fault because I was angry so I just blamed God and then I remember August August 21st 2006 I was supposed to be a civilian and instead I was in this hot ass tent in Kuwait we had AC but I mean Kuwait gets hot like by 5 a.m it's already 100 degrees 100 degrees Yeah and then I remember they're like okay put on your combat gear and like just walk around to get acclimated to the weather and I'm just sweating in full combat gear like dude this is stupid man like oh everything that I had to do I was just mad because I shouldn't have been you know I shouldn't be here I thought and uh I remember we we went to uh to Beijing Iraq and then I flew into um forward operating base Summerall and the 101st Airborne was there and we were relieving them we were taking over now remember the helicopter landed and I get out and then the first thing I see is the Battalion headquarters and then I see like these tall concrete pillars with the names of everyone who was killed in action from that base and there was like three pillars covered in names and I was like oh people are gonna die I'm gonna die I think I'm gonna die this is my third you could only go to war so many times before finally like I had not been shot I had not been no no IED ever hit me like people around me had Cuts in their faces shrapnel in their in their helmets and body armor not a scratch on me you know and I thought okay this is the the third time's a charm the enemy's gonna get me um look at all these names on these pillars I'm gonna die and I remember first sergeant Dobbs my first sergeant we were looking at these pillars and he's he said it out loud he's like this is going to be a tough one and he was right it turned out to be not a year deployment but a 15 month deployment and then you know dudes started dying and you know today is Memorial Day and I spoke earlier somewhere else and so I wore the all the the brain and these aren't even all my friends who were killed in action but you know just my buddies who were killed on that deployment and there's more I I would have it up you know my my arm but I don't have I haven't made the other Ka bracelets and the one band is for one individual one band is yeah each band is for each individual and it's just their their name their Rank and then the date that they were killed in action and where and um yeah I remember that deployment um 15 months and we're doing counter ID counter Insurgency we're going out at night kicking indoors we had different ways of like of intercepting enemy positions where um enemy locations we were intercepting cell phones and things like that and um you know I've never shot a person in a house I've cleared so many houses usually when you go to a house I remember um we usually like drive up in our Humvees wearing night vision and then get out quietly and then go like if there's like a wall there's a gate if the gate's locked I would like jump the wall open the gate from the inside let everybody in and then um stack in front of the house and then the breacher goes up usually the door's unlocked like the Iraqis just had unlocked doors go in we flow through the house um clearing the room to room there's usually a room where like the women and children are sleeping and then in the summertime the men would sleep on the rooftop so we clear the house make our way to the Rooftop oh look there's the guy who's oh you know we went after bomb makers after um insurgents of you know doing different things different bad things and uh I would it was crazy to see them they're asleep I had an Intel packet I had pictures of them that I saw their name what they were why we were going after them and then to like go in their house at night and to see them and be like that's the guy this is the guy we're after and then he's asleep and he doesn't know I'm right here like I could take his life and I would put in this like one zip tie on his wrist zip tie it and slowly turn him over and he's like just snoring you know probably dreaming that he's being flipped and I don't know what the hell he's dreaming about and then put the other one in zip nice and tight and then wake up [ __ ] and then he'd wake up like oh their hands tied turn the lights on and then it's like America's here you know night vision weapons with uh lasers and Surefire tactical lights and American patches and all that so we did that but then we started losing dudes um the guys we lost were to improvised explosive devices and then uh there was a sniper I heard there's a sniper that um Al-Qaeda hired Al Qaeda and Iraq um he was uh from chechnya and so there were these mercenary dudes and some of my friends were killed by I I believe it was one particular sniper I don't know his name or anything he was caught towards the end of my deployment uh either the Army tier one unit caught him or the ranger regiment caught him but we were after him and um we would try to intercept his cell phone and like he would turn it off like he knew you know uh he would evade us and I remember uh you know some of my friends um Palmer RV sigwa they were all shot in the head uh sniper fire and I remember it was sad it was like it became like a routine like every month losing someone where it was just like we get a call on the radio and it's like everybody go to the Battalion aid station and you knew okay somebody died so we go to the Battalion 8 station you know take our gear off and everybody's like you know it's like what we call a gaggle [ __ ] you're just like circles you're you know everybody the whole battalion's like what's going on who died who died oh I don't know I think his name starts with an S I think his name starts with an A and then I'm kind of like going through my mental Rolodex of friends like which one of my friend's last name starts with an A which one of them starts with an s or whatever name and then I would find out like oh my buddy like RV was killed Siegel was killed Mason was killed staff sergeant Sergeant First castanayer Sergeant Major Watts like oh no way you know it's just like to get that news of like these people that I knew that I'm serving with that I trained with um they're they're they're gone you know I remember my buddy sigwa uh will sigwa I knew you know we'd go out drinking partying back at Fort Bragg in Fayetteville me and a group of guys from Charlie Company and I remember before he died I was at the chow hall at uh fob Summerall in Beijing Iraq and I saw him and it was lunch time and then me and my buddy Jerry walked in we got our lunch and we saw him and some other guys from Charlie Company so we sat with them and we're like joking around and everything and um you know it was it was cool and and I remember walking out of the chow hall and he lit up a cigarette and we're just still joking around and we always said something every time like with my buddies at deployment we would we would hug and be like we would say I love you we would say that I remember hugging him and I was like I love you and then we would say stay safe I love you stay safe and like maybe like a smack on the butt cheek or something like that you know uh infantry style so um I remember having that meal with him walking out he's smoking a cigarette and I'm like okay cool like this is where we part ways because I got this other I'm in Bravo Company he's in Charlie Company we got different areas that we're gonna you know do missions and stuff and I said I love you stay safe and he's like I love you too stay safe and I believe it was the next day he was killed and it was just like I went from having a meal with this with this dude you know and then uh he's just gone and then the next time I saw him I'm in front of the the Battalion 8 station and we're lined up two columns facing each other to the the the flight line where the Medevac helicopter landed and shut off its engines because we're going to give them excuse me we're going to give them full honors and uh chaplain Kramer would stand at the end at the door of the Blackhawk and then from the Blackhawk two lines facing each other to the exit of the uh the entrance of the Aid Station and then I saw um my buddies carrying a body bag covered with the American flag and then the body bag was sigwa's body you know and I just ran their salute and it just seems unreal and and it's like I have to push it to the back of my mind because I'm still in war death is real guys are dying guys I know are dying and I still have to go out there two of my buddies were blown up they they were not they didn't die thank God but we didn't know if they were gonna die or not um one night we're at the beige oil refinery we're doing um operations out of the refinery counter IED counter Insurgency and um we had four Humvees so two Humvees stayed back to watch our little perimeter that we had and then the other two Humvees of guys they would go out at night and and we would change night to night because we'd be out there a few days in a row and they were gonna go watch uh a row to see if they catch anyone putting in roadside bombs because and this particular stretch of highway by Highway Tampa um outside of the Beijing oil refinery there was like always an IEDs in this road like it was all full of craters already it looked like swiss cheese you know and the enemy kept using it because it's a main Supply route so our guys went out there our guys went out there and then I remember uh staying back and then Miller and Garrard were on this Patrol two of the the paratroopers and before they went on the mission I was talking to them and were joking around and then um I remember they like all right Lock and Load load up they were leaving they're they're driving out to Perimeter you know they're leaving the wire and I told Gerard I'm like I love you boo I said I love you Boo and he's like oh I love you too and then Miller he's driving the Humvee and he was like like hey boo I love you and I'm like oh I love you too you know whatever that's just I don't know if you know you know it's just infantry stuff and then uh I remember like the first time he drove off and then behind them and the second Humvee was uh uh I remember the passenger seat was my buddy Jerry Jerry simcheck and through the bulletproof window he like blew me a kiss you know he's just like and then I was just like like bye boo like that like whatever and then I went to my bunk and um like an hour later I hear on the radio um they're calling for a Medevac and they say we got two two urgent Surgical urgent surgical means like if they don't get to the Medics within an hour they're gonna die so they were out on this Patrol and then in the in the first time B with Miller and Gerard um Miller was driving Gerard was in the back seat in the behind the passenger and the IED blew up under them and Miller was knocked unconscious he lost his left tricep left calf muscle garage lost a chunk of his left foot and he was unconscious and the Humvee rolled to a stop and they're losing blood my buddy Weiss got out the passenger seat my buddy Ayala got out of the turret and they were rendering Aid the medic was there they called the 99 Medevac and in our little perimeter in the Beijing oil refinery we had a landing zone right we had an LZ set up so there we're going to haul ass to the LZ I remember telling my guys hey get your [ __ ] on get your [ __ ] on we put our gear on Lock and Load we go out there to try to help and then we're already coming back so we move off the road let them pass turn around follow them and then we get back to the refinery they're on stretchers inside of the the eight station we had and we're waiting for the helicopter to show up and I was with Gerard and I remember Gerard was like pale blue and he's shaking he's going through shock and he's like I'm cold I'm cold and I got a whoopee it's like an army blanket and like I I wrapped him in it and I hugged him and I'm rubbing his arms like hey you're gonna be okay you're gonna be okay and I could feel he's like just cold and clammy and I said you're gonna be okay and then we heard uh the the call saying of the helicopter the Medevac helicopter is bad blood five and we heard bad blood five inbound Bad Blood five inbound like get out to the LZ so I helped the um Carrie garage on the stretcher to the LZ and we we put him down and then the helicopter propellers I could hear him and then I I saw the helicopter this is all night time it's like three or four in the morning and then I covered Gerard because the the helicopter's landing and it's kicking up dirt and sand and I covered his head and then I could hear Miller um Sergeant Weiss was with Miller and then Miller's saying like I love you I don't want to leave you and then Gerard is telling me I love you I don't want to leave you like these guys were wounded they're losing blood and they didn't want to leave like that's the Brotherhood they they didn't want to leave they wanted to stay in Iraq with us and I said no it's okay it's okay like you know you're gonna be okay and then we load them up to the helicopter and then the the flight Medics like get back get back and then they disappeared and they're gone and they survived but we were so pissed off we were angry that night or the next day the next night rather we went out to to um patrol the the refinery at night and we saw some guys stealing fuel they were stealing gas from the pipes which is like you know it's kind of a crime we're not cops you know we're not cops it is a crime I think Roe changed where if you see anyone stealing gas or oil from pipelines you can kill them because they were doing that a lot and uh Al-Qaeda was doing that stealing they were like loading up uh gasoline trucks loading them with glass with gas going to Jordan or Syria selling it for double the money and funding their their terrorism so they changed the Roe but that night like we were so angry with like the guys who died milleringer are getting blown up when we saw these guys I mean we were like ninjas at night they couldn't see us we could see them we got night vision on we're using hand and arm signals and I remember this one guy like went to get some fuel jugs and then uh Sergeant uh Sergeant Young just popped out behind a wall put his hand over his mouth and Drug him down and then I grabbed him and I put my M4 in his chest and I put my head in his mouth and he's just like it's terrified and I went and like he didn't move then his friends were yelling ass you know yelling they're probably you know yelling for him and then we snatched them up and then we were like okay what are we gonna do with them and then we debated whether or not to execute them like we wanted revenge like okay let's blow their brains out let's hide them in a freaking puddle of oil well no it's too shallow there's a bunch of stray dogs the dogs would eat their bodies and we're like in a huddle while two lower enlisted guys we call them Joe's two Joes are watching These Guys these Iraqis like four of them while we're in a huddle deciding how we're going to execute them like okay well and if we shoot them it's too loud our lieutenant and Captain are going to hear crap we'll use knives we'll slit their throats so we all pull out our knives like I wanna I'm gonna slit his throat like we all wanted to get our hands dirty and then I don't I think it was me I was like but where are we going to hide the bodies damn how about we just beat the [ __ ] out of them and we all look at each other okay so we took our gear off grounded our weapons we untied them and we had a brawl and we beat the crap out of them and I remember this guy I broke this bone it got fat like a golf ball um I was on top of this Iraqi and I was bashing his face and he's unconscious already he's not even fighting back but again like you asked what was the mindset we were angry and I was just pounding his face I could feel I broke his cheekbones and his jaw he's unconscious and I just kept hitting him and hitting him and I thought I'm gonna kill him and then my bone broke and it hurt so bad I stopped and I got mad and I got up and I started kicking him but it hurts so bad that it hurt when I kicked him so then I just like backed off then I remember um putting my gear on and then we thought they were dead and we like slapped them and slapped them and they woke up they're breathing and we left them there and just disappeared the most significant battle that I saw um we were at the beige oil refinery we're out there for a few days and it was time for us to head back to the main base to the forward operating base Summerall and um I we had four Humvees we're heading back to base and I spotted a roadside bomb it was a car tire with wires sticking out so we um established a security perimeter on Highway Tampa and we called the Navy EOD so we were going to wait about an hour and while we're waiting I remember getting a call um from Jerry he's Bravo one two and he called me and he says Bravo one one this is Bravo one two and I said Bravo One Two this is Bravo One One send it he says get out of your Humvee and look towards the city of Beijing which was behind us before I could look my Gunner Tito Taylor on the 50 cal turned around and he said oh my God I said what and he didn't answer so I opened the Humvee door and I look out and there's a giant mushroom cloud rising in the city of Beijing and at the time there were a lot of car bombs they would pack like a thousand two thousand pounds of explosives into vehicles and use them as you know suicide bombs so I get in the I get in the Humvee and I listen to the radio and I hear the voice of my buddy Sullivan and he says he was there and it was the Charlie Company their um the beigey CP or Command Post and I hear his voice he's out of breath and he says Beijing CP beigey CP V bid V bit and it got cut off vibid vehicle born improvised explosives device it was a car bomb so then we got the call to go and save them and as we're driving our Humvees I'm in the lead Humvee driving towards the city of Beijing towards the mushroom cloud I could hear on the radio that they got hit by a suicide car bomb there's an Iraqi police station in front of the American perimeter it's been wiped out there's um 19 Iraqis dead and now they have 20 or more insurgents open and they're being overrun they're going into their perimeter they're being overrun they need help so we're hauling ass towards the mushroom cloud and I remember Marty Lee Holland what one of my team leaders I was a squad leader he was sitting in the back seat and he had gone to like Bible School and so you know he was a Christian and some guys made fun of him for believing in Jesus and stuff I remember that and then he prayed on our way like we're going to a mushroom cloud we know that they're being overrun we're gonna go there we gotta save our brothers we don't know what we're getting into part of me thought uh we're probably gonna die like this is probably going to be my last combat mission and then Marty says a prayer out loud and he says Lord protect the men of Charlie Company and protect us in the name of Jesus Amen and I remember my driver Carlson and my Gunner Taylor um they both said like they were atheists and they didn't believe in God and then I remember both of them said yes Jesus protect us and then Marty got mad and he's like don't make fun of Jesus dude don't make fun of Jesus and they said no Marty we need we need him we need protection and I remember thinking like I had been blaming God for all my friends dying like I was laying all my anger out on God and then that day I thought well if I die I I you know I want to be right with God and then I just said a prayer to myself and I said Lord forgive me for my sins and if I die take me with you amen we get into the city we start taking fire I could hear the bullets hitting the armor and the Humvee I told my Gunner to stay low on the 50 cal watch windows and rooftops if you see Bad Guys Smoke them it looked like a scene of a nuclear bomb there was a crater the size of a Volkswagen Beetle in front of what used to be an Iraqi police station the Iraqi police station was Rubble there's like concrete pillars that are still up and then behind the pillars was a two-story building where Charlie Company was and everyone in that building had concussions from the blast but the building stayed intact I remember we park in front of the crater I get out I I'm standing over the rubble and it's just bodies and body parts and there's like Iraqi policemen their uniforms and with blood uh this one guy he had like a whole like he had no face I could see his brains um dudes missing arms like just all this stuff then my buddy Sullivan I heard his voice earlier on the radio and he came out from behind the pillar and he's got a bloody nose he's got a helmet a tan shirt body armor camel pants and his M4 and I start walking towards him over the rubble I was like dude are you okay and he says I just killed 20 [ __ ] insurgents and I'm gonna go play with their bodies later and I thought oh okay he's good to go and he says the 20 insurgents came we smoked them like I could see their bodies around you know and he says look there's this camera this big balloon it's a camera hyper whatever powerful camera the enemy is coming we're surrounded they booby trap the road to the main base the fob so we're not going to get qrf for another hour there's no air assets available for like 45 minutes we're on our own so conserve ammo so for the next hour we fought wave after wave of insurgents we fired 50 cows Mark 19s 84s um by the time air support showed up the Apaches and Kiowa helicopters were doing gun runs to the point where they ran out of ammo and then the Apaches left but the Kiowa helicopter stayed and the kiowas have no doors so they're flying low I could see the pilots and co-pilots you know and they're like fly by and do this you know like and we're like yeah because they're like shooting Rockets so then when they ran out of rockets and 50 cal machine gun ammo they started shooting from the helicopters like doing like five buys and they were throwing hand grenades from the helicopter to the enemy then when they ran out completely ran out of ammo then they started throwing smoke grenades to Mark where the enemy was and there was this um in a courtyard in an apartment complex there was like an enemy casualty collection point and we got reports that there were like 30 enemy wounded so the helicopter flew by threw a red smoke grenade to Market and then our Ford observers called in 120 millimeter mortars and just like decimated them so in that one hour it was reported we killed like 200 people after that just maybe a month or two later I'm back I land that uh Pope Air Force Base North Carolina I get out of the airplane with my buddies everything's green it's trees it smells different feels different the people are different it's like more white faces and clean smells not body odor perfume cologne um it was just like it was different and I remember families are there no one in my family ever came and I just kind of got my gear and walked outside of this uh airplane Hangar and I just like sat next to a building on the floor by myself like isolated and I didn't even realize it but it was just too much for me to be around all these people it was too much activity third time in combat and I was messed up that night I turned in like I turned in my gear and everything and that night in the barracks I woke up to the sound of gunfire and mortars like I could hear [ __ ] in my head like I was in a battle I just like Dove off my bed hit the floor I was looking for my armor I was looking for my my M4 I'm like looking for my night vision like my heart's like it's like pounding out of my chest I'm like where the [ __ ] is like where is this stuff and I'm on I'm crawling on the floor and I like crawled under my bed you know like half of my body's under my bed and I'm like holding on to the bed like looking at the ceiling of the barracks and then I look out the window and I could see like trees and lights and I was like oh oh I'm back I'm in North Carolina whoa that happened several nights I moved in with my parents I had my own room I lived with him for a few months and then uh I just felt like I like I wasn't done like I wasn't out I felt like I was gonna get called back like I was just on leave and I remember living out of my green duffel bags for like two months I remember waking up and it's like I gotta go to school like I wake up I went for a run come back shower get ready um got in my truck drove to school and as I'm driving to school I remember it was like for a while it was like a like a song on repeat I could hear gunfire I could hear like A10 warthogs doing gun runs I could hear the radio chatter and and I'm driving a school and then I get to school and I'm just hearing this as I'm walking through campus and I remember seeing some Muslim girls they were like covered up like they looked like like in Iraq you know they're all just covered up like the long dresses and my heart was pounding I was like why is the enemy here that's what I thought um I'm watching windows and rooftops I'm watching hands I'm sitting in class I didn't talk to anybody I didn't care to make friends um and then I started drinking a lot mostly on the weekends um and I thought I was okay but then I think it was like I don't know how long it was maybe a year after I started noticing more and more symptoms where I'm like driving to I remember I was driving to school one morning and this is like maybe a year after I've been out and I just had like this like it felt like a panic attack or something I don't know I heard like a song I don't know what it was and I started crying and I started thinking about all my friends who were killed in action because I had put all those memories to the back of my head I never mourned their losses and I'm crying and I just like I'm on the freeway and I feel like I'm gonna crash so I I get to the shoulder and I'm breathing and I'm crying and I'm like stop being a [ __ ] stop being a [ __ ] stop crying stop man up man the [ __ ] up like I'm just like talking to myself when I went away and then I thought okay all right like I gotta go to class I gotta go to class and that's it and I didn't tell anybody about it and I was going to church and I was going to church and I'd sit in the back at church usually with a hangover I kind of felt like I felt like I owed God something because I'm still alive somehow I was never no ID ever touched me no bullet ever hit me um I remember a sniper took a shot at me it hit like right in front of me like he missed me I you know I look at it I I do believe there are Miracles that's how I see it it's a miracle that guys to my left and my right had cuts on their face and shrapnel in their armor and I was right there and I have nothing you know these like Supernatural moments I believe yeah and so I was going to church I grew up going to church I believe in Jesus Christ my relationship with him wasn't really good you know it was more like a check the box go to church sit in the back and I didn't tell anybody at church about it I thought I felt alone I felt alone I served with a group of dudes who would lay down their life for me we wore the same uniform now there's no more uniforms I don't know who I can trust and I don't feel comfortable sharing what's going on in my mind and on the weekends I would just drown it with alcohol and it wasn't until like three years after being out that I remember so I wanted to be in law enforcement and the recession hit so like no law enforcement agencies were hiring and then I graduated I used my GI bill I got my bachelor's degree from UC Irvine in criminology and the only job that would hire me I remember I got hired at Costco to collect shopping carts and I felt like a failure and I'm in my early 20s I'm probably like 25 26 years old I think I was like 26. and I remember um collecting shopping carts and just at this point in my life I was having suicidal ideation I felt alone I felt hopeless I felt like I had no purpose in life I felt like I should have died in combat that would have been like a noble way to die instead of collecting shopping carts and being a loser I thought you know like these were the things in my mind how do I go from being in a Recon team from being a squad leader from um Leading Men in battle to collecting shopping carts so I remember one night I decided I was going to kill myself and I had friends that killed themselves I remember a guy in my squad Olive may he rest in peace he hanged himself like maybe two months after we came back he hanged himself we had a guy in Iraq rated may he rest in peace he hanged himself in combat in Iraq so suicide like it's a pattern and I was I thought it's time for me to kill myself I thought the best days of my life are behind me I'm gonna take my own life I had been going to church I didn't feel comfortable sharing this with anyone at church I thought that if I shared that I wanted to kill myself that I wouldn't get help that I would be told that you know I don't belong in church and like you're not a Christian get out of here that I would be shunned I guess and so one night you know I drank a lot I was in my studio apartment I had the blinds closed lights off I was in the dark and I remember I had my 45 my 1911 and I checked and I remember I had hollow points in it I put it in like okay there's hollow points uh I downed the beer and I just like I was crying because I just felt like this is it this is how it's gonna end and then I just remember dropping the beer and I put the gun I remember I had the gun I just like had it in my eye and I could see the barrel was like as big as my eye and then uh I remember um I just thought like this is it this is how I'm gonna die this is how it's gonna end and I felt so hopeless in the dark alone like that nobody care nobody cares you know and then I put the gun in my mouth and then I was crying and then I remember in my mind I said God if you're there save me and then it was quiet there was no answer and then uh I remember thinking like God doesn't even care about me like my life doesn't matter so then I I took the safety off and I had both hands and then like it was loud like it clicked like just click the metallic click and then I put my thumb on the trigger and then I was like all right like I have a gun in my mouth tears and I said like this this is it like I'm just gonna just start squeezing and it's gonna just I won't feel anything you know I'm not gonna feel anything I'm just gonna squeeze and then it's just gonna be over and I remember saying again and in my mind like with a gun in my mouth saying in my mind I said God if you're there save me nothing I put my thumb on the trigger and then I heard boom and I let go of the gun it fell and then I started checking my head and I'm like there's no blood and I'm checking my clothes checking the floor like there's no blood and then uh I look to my right in my studio apartment it was my bed my TV my couch that I'm on and then to my right over here would be my my little office desk computer and I had a Bible on there and it was a thick Bible because it had like some like references in the back and stuff and uh it just flew off the desk it hit the floor that was the the bang that I heard and I remember just falling on my knees in tears and I asked God for forgiveness and I just said God forgive me forgive me um and uh yeah I was I don't know it was just this this moment where it's like did that just really happen I I almost took my own life and then the next day uh my buddy Luis Luis Espana we went to high school together he served in the Army and now he was working for the VA and he had been reaching out to me for a while and he's like dude you need help you need help I kept telling me I was like no I don't need help that sucks for [ __ ] I I did what I was what I signed up to do I fought I did what I was trained to do I don't need help so he called me again and he's like dude you need help so I was like all right so he set up appointments for me and then I went to East LA to the um East L.A Vet Center to see a clinical social worker his name's Bob Weems and they had me fill this thing out it's like a questionnaire and it was like um have you seen combat yes did you lose friends yes well they ask questions and I lied I lied like yes I've been a combat yes I lost friends did you ever shoot anyone no have you attempted suicide no how often do you drink alcohol yes how many drinks do you have like two two on a weekend no I mean it just went on and on and I lied and then I remember Bob calls me in his office I go in and he has these the my tests that I took or the survey whatever it is and he says based on your answers you don't need our help and I was like in his office door closed just me and him and you know he's like closer to me than you are and he says you know based on your answers you don't need our help I said good can I leave and he's like no he goes I have a copy of your DD214 it says here you were Airborne infantry went to Ranger school you have a combat infantryman badge you've been to Iraq Afghanistan and Iraq because it says like the times of deployment and I have he saw my ribbons like you know global war on terror like all that stuff Afghanistan service campaign Iraq whatever he says I think you're bullshitting me and then he told me I'm here to help you if you tell me the truth I can help you but I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth and I was afraid of being vulnerable I was afraid of admitting that I freaking had a gun in my mouth like a few days ago so I looked at the door and I looked at him and I thought okay do I get up and walk out right now or do I just like see where this goes I said all right what do you want to know he says did you serve in combat yes did you lose friends yes have you thought about killing yourself yes have you attempted suicide yes do you want to kill yourself now do you wish you were dead yes do you drink alcohol yes how many drinks did you have Friday 36 with who alone Saturday the same with who alone he said you need help and I broke down in tears and one of the moments I had of healing of opening up is he asked me if I believed in God and I said yes he says what religion I said I'm a Christian he says so you believe that in Jesus Christ and I said yes he said why did Christ die on the cross and I said for my sins and he said is there anything you've done in your life that he cannot forgive and I started crying and I said no and he said why don't you just pray right now and he wasn't even a believer like he was a I think he was Jewish but he's just meeting me where I am and he says I'll just sit here quietly and I wanna I just want to allow you to pray to Jesus right now and I started crying and I just said forgive me for my sins I started seeing him twice a week for almost a year and I confessed everything I processed the loss of my friends I made it a goal to visit their tombstones and then finally I went to Seminary and I studied um uh I have my Master's Degree master of divinity degree from Biola University in pastoral care and counseling and I made it a point to help veterans and I've worked at non-profits helping vets and that led me to write my book um the shadow of death and I wrote this book the shadow of death because Psalm 23 is though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me so when I look back at my life and I see the darkest points of my life walking in that shadow of death God was with me the whole time and now I get to turn around and help veterans and I've made it my mission to do that so this non-profit I work for is called Step Forward Academy and the whole goal is like mentorship through coaching so we have um people coming out of difficult circumstances because we work with a lot of like back to work non-profits where people find a job but they're making a minimum wage and we want to help them find a career so we have a curriculum to help them boost up their Lincoln their LinkedIn their resumes and we have mentors and coaches available and this is all free of charge it's a non-profit it's at no cost to our clients and we help we help anyone who needs help with finding a career find a career I focus on the veteran side I'm the veterans Outreach director for step forward Academy so I want to get guys who are coming out of the military I remember when I was getting out I didn't know what I wanted to do I had a I kind of thought well I was in the Infantry in the Army so maybe you know the closest thing that to that out here is being a cop but I was wrong um you know there's now I do other things that I never thought I would do now I'm helping veterans now I'm a counselor a case manager and uh I would not have uh came to to doing what I do now if it wasn't for their coaches and the the mentors along the way so coaching and mentorship goes a long way and I know when I was getting out I could have really used that immediately so I want to help military personnel transition to civilian life and then also I want to help veterans trying to figure out you know what is my calling what is my purpose because a lot of the times like I know when I thought about suicide I I feel like I had no purpose in life but the truth is that you do and we can help you find that purpose and we can help you get connected with a community to get support to accomplish your goals to find that purpose and it's at no cost step forward academy.org check it out to all the families of all the Vets who are going to see this to if you know you've lost someone it wasn't in vain we fought for each other you know ultimately we we fought for each other and [Music] um I am so proud that I got to serve with these men and women who were willing to lay down their lives for me there's no other love there's no love greater than that and also to all the Vets watching if if you're struggling there is hope there is hope seek community go and physically go to the VA and tell them you need help find your nearest church tell them you need help you'll be surprised at the healing you find when you confess that you need help and you're met with love and support it's like this burden that's lifted you know taking your own life imagine I I think if I would have taken my own my own life I wouldn't have written this book I wouldn't have been there to speak to so many veterans and and be there for them think about how much each veteran if you're thinking about killing yourself think about how valuable your life is and if you change your life around think about the amazing testimony you will have that you can help other vets stay positive stay encouraged thanks Hernando appreciate you taking the seat brother yeah man thanks for having me bad thoughts that make my mind scared hold me hostage and they don't fight fair Who Gon pray for me and wipe on my tears who gonna save me if you not right here move this darkness and make my sight clear Take Me Away cause I don't like it ghosts of my past they fill in the night air wake me up I'm trapped in my nightmares

Channel: Urban Valor

Views: 119,735

Keywords: urban valor, josh gutierrez, war stories, combat veteran, shawn ryan show, soft white underbelly, urban valor tv, jre clips, war story, veteran interview, military interview, war interview, war in iraq, iraq war, veteran, us military, war documentary, paratrooper, iraq combat, iraq war 2003, war in iraq 2003, army, army combat veteran, army veteran, army transition, veteran transition, military transition, Fernando Arroyo, army paratrooper, paratroopers jumping, war

Id: fGJLQQ8f1tI

Length: 78min 56sec (4736 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 01 2023