Anything Goes: James English Tells His Story

like my dad would always tell me if you ever on a fight of school you pick up the nearest thing and over their head started doing little robberies I get caught by an open Razer I think 13 14 I was a gambling addict Lov to Coke love the weed taking volume at that stage of my 20s guns or knives both both family members stabbed to death and Friends shot stabbed my dad get din with the K while I was in prison my uncle was murdered when I got out of prison I had two girls pregnant at the same time my best P hung self all in a space of [ __ ] 6 months so that's when I couldn't handle life coule was past had a vodka bang went missing for a year [ __ ] that no matter if you're an addict no matter if you're in prison no matter if you're an abusive relationship you can change anything in your life that you want to but it takes time it takes [ __ ] guts it takes courage it takes everything that you have in your [ __ ] soul it was meant to be one of my questions as we go along but because I've got it out now this book The Power of Now impacted your life in a in a profound Mane didn't it yeah that was the one mate that was the game changer coming from a life of chaos and misery and just Madness the power of now but I was seeing a girl and I was off the drink the drugs and I think I was like 29 I was off at all I was off everything I was 914 but we were so called in love we're going to get a nice little house um so she never seen the James on the drink of the drugs of the gambling so I was clean living I changed my way of thinking sort of we were going to get a flat like it wasn't even a flat it was a nice Cottage House nice Cottage House out in the stacks we thinking we'll get dogs maybe have a couple of kids life will be good so we got this Cottage I had to pay deposit and we're supposed to move in like two days before so I I don't know what it was self sabotaged scared had the perfect messes everything going great went to The Bookies spun all the money spun a deposit done everything told her with guilt hoping that yeah everything will be fine she [ __ ] left never seen her again never spoke to her again she left that book in my bed The Power of Now it can't tell I don't [ __ ] that took me a few months to read it and uh when I did read that I thought this is boring got the audio book cuz he's a boring bastard he's very soft spoken you hear the little bells Bing I kept falling asleep never read a book ever read listen to the audo book changed my way of thinking I understood that I could make changes understood living in the present moment understood that I was living in the past feel a [ __ ] guilt feel a fear feel of depression feel anxiety pretending to be something that I was not that book then just opened my horizons and then here we are nearly 10 years later just smashing ass out life I'm laughing because when you when you told me about the power now I'm not a reader as you can see I've still not it took me eight months to get 86 pages in but I started with the audio book and you did say Liam is's a boring [ __ ] and I'm like yeah I'll roll with it but [ __ ] me he's so it was so boring that I couldn't continue so I actually he made me bought a book but that's outr I mean that's an unbelievable story so you had all your life set up you had your future there or what you thought was going to be a future you dropped the ball massively and she left you yeah and left you this book for you to to dwell on yeah PL and consider yeah and I always thought I don't read I thought [ __ ] it it's just another one but my girlfriends would always come back so when I was in life of Madison Kos I was a [ __ ] up I was a loser man I was a pretender a great actor pretending that I was something I was still standing in my mom's house I was a gambling addict loved to Coke Lov the weed taking volume at that stage in my 20s just I was a pretender but then I changed and then I met thought this is it but that's when the first time I'd felt when I looked back now this sabotage when life's going good I didn't think I deserve that I don't deserve this so I just ripped a whole ceiling down started gambling she left then on the drink the drugs for a b again we're going to go through all of that you know you know you said that they they normally come back did you think to yourself This Book that's that's the old hairbrush trick she's left that there so she can come back for it that's why I didn't read it not realizing that was the one thing that completely transformed my life that book The Power of Now understood I never had any guidance or role models to take me through life people used to say about the drink the drugs but when you're in your 20s you feel as if you know everything I just tell people to [ __ ] off maybe not at their face but behind their back when they walked away i' give them the finger and say shut up you're mug so that was the one thing the one positive thing in my life that made sense at that time and you've never seen her since never what was her name Louise what' you say to Louise now for leaving that book I just say thank you H that's it's unbelievable like that people come in and out your life it's either for a Lessing or a blessing she was clearly there for a blessing but have broke her heart as well because I was F of the Big Ideas in the bright future that's why when we spoke in the living room I keep my cars close to my chest back then I would tell everybody everything so people bought into my [ __ ] even though I never had a pot to piss in I've done a lot of bad things to get the money but I never had a pot to piss in so when um she kind of bought into the dream so we'll get this big house have dogs and the babies but I never truly believed it cuz I didn't know where to start I'd never worked a day in my life so it was H she bought into it and then she left that book and it just Ed have written up well it changed your life I struggle with living in the present and I can't get past the present when I pick this book up so anyone out there that's living in the past or the future or you're struggling in your current situation it's good enough for us it's is good enough for you the Power of Now yeah now James thank you for coming on yeah tell you my boy I've been looking forward I've been looking forward to you coming on from the very moment I come on yours and I just I admired the whole process and you from that moment so now we're going to reverse the roles and I'm going to ask you all about your life and I cannot wait to hear all about it because as much as I know of you there's still things that I don't know that I'm interested in so you grew up in Glasgow yeah and from what I know your parents were together sound they weren't dysfunctional you come from a good family do million per yeah my mom and dad we grew up in a place called pel Park it's one of the most deprived areas in the UK you don't know at that time it's just it's like a football stadium it's all houses around it um the close it was like a close we live in there like six people six houses in it we had um George and and Jimmy next door and then it was Jean she end up moving to London with the mcallisters and the STS just you could go to people's door and ask for like a sign you never had much then so I go to friends houses get pieces in Jam pieces in butter kind of just out in the backyard it's not like a big massive Garden inside these tournament houses and you're out till at 10 at night 11: at night and just it was when you look back obviously it was Madness I I ended up I loved setting fires I became a little h fire starter just to set up the bins and fire and then I used to find the fire brigade and then when they used to put the fires out when they were driving away we used to call it a HUD we used to jump behind and jump on them while they were driving down the street like Madness like five and six years of age it was [ __ ] crazy my school was next to it in corts h yeah my mom and dad then listen they struggled they struggled like any family from poro there was a lot of good families there there's a lot of good people there you've just not got that you've not got anything to really work on there's no Role Models everybody body's a drug dealer a a shoplifter or they try and do what they do just to keep their head above water nobody's got much the people who had much was a drug dealers but when you look back now they're obviously destroying lives to benefit their own but they don't know that then Mom and Dad what my dad became a bouncer my mom worked in Monroe C which is like a used to develop the photos in Sison Street um yeah went to school life was good we never had much used to go to school with a [ __ ] clothes and my parents were stable though listen when they had fights and they were drinking or parties that back then that was normal we had the family members in I've got photos back in the day with cigarettes in the mouth and holding a like a Shand used to pull it with lemonade and beer back then it was it was normal for kids to be [ __ ] drinking the froth out the can or drinking beer it it was mad but um for things yeah the fire start was I just loved it loved it I love to smell but they used to give me into so much trouble because I used to come back with like buns in my my trousers was a I just loved it yeah that was my thing setting fires to the bins and then just had a lot of good friends there what' you think that was it was a little escap yeah maybe about aggression but I was never an Angry Kid I was a good kid I do D [ __ ] but then we used to stand on the stairs in one of these so when cars used to drive by we used to throw stones and try and smash the Windows like were proper when you look back we're proper [ __ ] lost kids but that was just normal it was only way to getting fun there was no football pitches there was no boxing clubs there was nothing really like that where I was from you had Wester common Flats had a red Ash pitch um but I just love football as well we used to play out football out the back we used to build a goal silver cage used to get like three fenes stick to and put one at the top and play football all night again when we found the fabricade we used to steal the like the key to turn on the fire hydrants for the summer it was just crazy there was a lot of stolen cars we stayed next to a a place called The 226 crew that was was the the building next to M just fing [ __ ] nut cases I was a couple of years younger my uncles were mad they would always come up was always stolen clothes or whatever they were up to it was just yeah we were a solid family as well my mom and dad weren't junkies they weren't alcoholics they tried to do what they could with that all my other friends were single parents and their moms were struggling their dads were struggling with addiction I have I had a luxury with those parents and I'm blessed to have those parents I used to always think [ __ ] me it was tough grown up there but looking back I learned a trade from Stony H Street we moved to 50 yards to a place called Claren Street it was like red tournament buildings which is kind of an upgrade which is only just 50 yards away but it just it kept us away from the environment I was so that just extra little 50 yards made a big difference to my life and then I moved to a place called Hamilton Hill which was another 50 yards just behind that so my mom's still in that house you're talking 40 years later but that made a big difference to my life as well just was little steps away from that life but then football career came 10 years old just loved it football was my my getaway it was my freedom I was I was amazed I was rapid I played for a team called po Yim and I was [ __ ] class I'm not going to here to blow on trumpet even though I do it all the time but I was 5060 goals a season I was just rapid I had a little bit of fire about me had a bit of dig what a team i' I'll give the boys I mention from Big James proar Greg Milligan Johnny Clark God Rest who so passed away in a car crash had we Ryan Bradford boy called Li my big p Barry peacock just tough boys man we beat everybody we were unbelievable like Celtic Rangers Chelsea Tottenham hibs were all looking at us and then HBS came in for me and and I went to HBS at 12 just going back to your dad because I want to come onto onto your football years and how you would use that to your advantage when copping out of a bird yeah yeah but was your was your dad cuz you said he worked the door yeah was he a tough guy yeah tough solid man it was respected everybody loved him he was very respected not a aggressive man he could handle himself my dad trained back then you're talking 80s not many he used to go to a the gym I think it was Olympic it was called back then and then it was a place called Marcos big handsome man strong everybody he just kept in good shape so when he worked at do it was solid hands because he grew up in the area I was poro everybody knew him poro was a rough area all your glasgo tough man for there glasgow's a tough area anyway there's there's gangsters everywhere but poro was always it led from the front of the [ __ ] tough bastards who were there so my dad knew them very well respected and uh yeah but again as we get later on that was my downfall him being a bouncer if you're a bouncer in Glasgow especially back in the day if you weren't tough you'd get eaten that pure and simple wouldn't you you You' being serious you couldn't pretend to be a tough guy like a lot of people do now you had to be the part if you wanted to work the door somewh like glasgo back then you were getting beat the [ __ ] out of guys were getting took out the back and beat to near death back then you can get away with it it was allowed so if you weren't the people knew who who was who back then used to get your Crews from different areas who used to walk down and you the respected you'd get in listen if you're caus in trouble with the bounc would say look you need to leave the C are coming if you were a [ __ ] idiot try and cause trouble and you didn't listen you would get [ __ ] led you would get beat the [ __ ] out of Victoria the SEO the bouncers didn't mess about they could all handle themselves a lot of them are feel steroids my dad was never steroids but a lot of the other bouncers were just massive you're talking back then they're just next level they were just rless and that's why a lot of people became bouncers because they could use that violence and beat people up for and get away with it did your dad have that ruthless streak in him yeah when he when he could switch on yeah yeah I was scared of him yeah did you ever see him FH out of hiding yeah yeah yeah many times man from a when you were young yeah yeah yeah yeah it was tough man weighing in another adult obviously yeah yeah yeah when you when you saw your dad beat another man up at a young age do you remember how it made you feel yeah I was scared yeah it was scared man I didn't like it cuz I thought [ __ ] man and you you and it was pointless as well it was like a road rage kind of thing you know what I mean and then you turn and you're screaming in the car and I always remember that as well there was used to think why are you shoting and part of me is then that becoming GRE to me through the years we getting road I don't do it now we're making changes but I had that in my like tens and 20s I think why the [ __ ] am I shooting it's obviously when you start changing you go why am I giving somebody else energy but he was always beating horns or driving faster going on other side of the lanes to I'm thinking what the [ __ ] is going on and you're screaming dad Slow Down slow down but that's just at that stage where realize he's [ __ ] he's a good guy but when he switches man could he did lose it and then you see him [ __ ] beating [ __ ] out with something you're scared you're crying you don't like it it's not normal to see for kids no I mean as you know I've I've witnessed very similar scenes and when you're young a man's voice it's frightening when it's raised it seems a hell of a lot louder than it does now I mean now we can go to a football match and listen to a 100 people scream and shout doesn't affect us but when you're young and you're fragile and your eardrums aren't used to that aggression and you see it especially for the first time it's uh it is frightening but my dad would always tell me if you're ever on a fight at school you pick up the needest thing to you and [ __ ] over their head I never done that I didn't like that I still don't like violence I don't like anger I can betray that image sometimes when I switch but it's an act and it gets me down I'm a soft guy so if I lose it I want to apologize I just want to cudle that person that's not my intentions so I'm seeing my dad do that it never made me become aggressive it never made me want want to fight I didn't like I didn't like it it made me softer if I'm honest even at schools and that it used to always be fights and people used to cuz I never had cousins or brothers like a lot of other people at school so when there was a fight you were you were always ganged up on so it was difficult but if I had a fight and I had my dad's name I would flip and become that guy who I'd seen my dad become did you fight much in school yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but I hated that I always get scared doing it sort of level of violence did you take it to n just fighting just fighting FY CS yeah handbags in primary schools you're chasing them they're chasing you it was nothing heavier at knives and throwing chairs until second do that kind of kick thing [ __ ] know like it is now everyone nowadays if you're not carrying a knife as a youngster you know you you're out the loop yeah [ __ ] especially glasgo as well I didn't like it I hated that I hated any sort of violence I hated the for Happ to fight someday at 3:00 when the bell went we fight and I hated that I hated the feeling it [ __ ] me up all day and then you feel as if you have to do it so moving on to football then cuz football was still at a young age when you started W it so we're still we're still very much at the start at the start of your life so good H good household good family values sounds like your dad was a good role model I think it's good to have someone strong in the background you know that you can't [ __ ] around with uh but then obviously there's a stage where you spiraled so it obviously you didn't spiral from within the household you must have spiraled from your outside uences Glasgow being Rough and Ready and full of drugs but then you would have thought maybe football would have kept you on the straight and narrow so yeah talk talk about your your football career how it started and then the journey yeah por ym was a was a team like we were ruthless we were strong all the kids under 11s under 12s under 13s all the way up PO ym I don't know if it was feir because it was such a tough area but we were just unbeliev we just the kids and that's what that's what's the sad thing about it because there was kids in that team who were all equally just as good and could have went on and kicked on to been one of Scotland's greatest that's how good these kids were they were they were free they were away from any bad stuff at 10 11 years old but when we played football together it was like an escape it's like you've not got the pain a lot of these kids are going back to the alcoholic mother or father um the [ __ ] hostile household not got much but together it was a team we [ __ ] just run we won the leagues we won the cops was just mad and then I realized I had a talent I realized how fast I was I just [ __ ] loved it I love playing football was every day we used to play Celtic Rangers in a Chapo at Sison Street we used to get a mixture of people and play Celtic Rangers every day every night that's all I could think of I just love football the first time I felt good at anything the first time I was [ __ ] at school I look out the windows I didn't know my time table I used to feel embarrassed I've had to go and read a story they' tell me to read a paragraph my face would go red and I I [ __ ] hated that I feel was if my world was crumbling down and I I hated going to school because I realized I'm not good at this the football for me was a getaway it was amazing Hibbs came in for me I went for a trial through in Edinburgh the same was straight away 12 and then we started but I was injured my groin was so but I kept playing through it because I didn't want to miss the opportunity um and we just played season after season and then played against Celtic Peters H I think it was two one or two each I came on his sub my dad says oh you sub day son and the manager said it's a secret it's a secret W him and H come on ran a mock ran the show and then I scored the heart TR next week against St Johnston and a hatrick against harson next week and that's when the big team Celtic wanted to sign as my dad said no son sign for hibs sign for hibs at 15 that's f um but while I sign D form the hormones are kicking in and I always say this and I get slated for it but it was a handsome bastard um my dad was very smart as well used to wear the suits the ties he was always presented himself well but that's been David black who he played with hibs he ended up in prison with I think he was scamming women for alarms or whatever it is but it was me and him he played center mid I played up front and H with a couple of Rogues I think it was 14 actually we went to Penelope's nightclub drinking I think it was small off as's back then and that's when I got a taste for night life that's when I get a taste of drink that's when I get a taste of women giving me attention that's when I get a taste of pretending I was playing for the first team or I was playing for hibs later on in years I was pretending to play for Man United always pretending to be something that I wasn't even though I was still good enough with what I had at that moment but I never had anybody to tell me to raise my confidence to say you are good enough and if I had the mindset that I've got now me at a different ball game because I understand now consistency is key and as 14 and 15 came I started the night club life and then my dad has been a bouncer Victoria is the hot spot in the city all the football players went any big shows like the wrestling all the wrestlers would go and it was just it was a [ __ ] place man and that's when I started to really spiral do you remember the first the first significant session where you lost complete control but also in the same breath thought I like this feeling of being out of control yeah but I was already coming out of control once I had secondary school I was becoming out of control because we used to have a place called H Edie stats and it had John menes but we used to start breaking into that at 11 maybe younger than that um I was always up to no good I was always a conniving little CT I was always like causing trouble the set in the fires or get on building SES and I was always always up to not Mischief I was always John men was when it started used to get and break into the truck steal the Coca-Cola steal the water it's minor but you're still thinking is that's when it kind of starts you start getting breaking into these fences and people going no they do it but I was step to the Forefront and then try and Lead but you're just leading it's like the the blind leading the blind because we don't know what we're doing but we're in there and then I was maybe get caught you don't get jail that time so they just driving you back to your mom and dad's but I just love that up to no good the the steering yeah I [ __ ] Lov that Ed stots was prime example used to try and get every night open the back of the trucks steal the water and it was like cans of juice and then there was like magazines and John menies so we trying to sneck under the trucks to under the gates and I just loved that I loved it as if this is amazing I used to think I could sell all these magazines and sell these cans and make some money and it was just Madness and then in secondary school was a trouble started as well that's when I realized wait a minute I'm not a [ __ ] idiot like I started wasn't even fighting because he's fighting first year but then you kind of fizzle out who's the ones the bad ones and the good ones so I always we were always at the back of the class it was Foundation I think then so it was a DA class it was just for of clowns carrying on sitting out the side the class and then when I S for HS but that hibs always was my Saving Grace because I knew I played football I felt as if it could get me away with much more than what it should so started doing little robberies I got caught by an a Razer I think 13 14 um and I was [ __ ] in because I'd already in little bits of trouble before that but then the social workers come and they're thinking about listen man he's cutting about with a [ __ ] big open razor he's been try to Rob some he's caught with this um took the fingerprints and that and then I had the social workers coming but that was at 14 and that's when I thought man were talking about put it's not like a child form it's like [ __ ] like a young offender yeah but it was like it was it was a weird and it was Bishop Briggs man my mom and dad's like what you [ __ ] hell what you playing at like you've got the football career but it was all that was always my get out played for HS list he's playing for Scotland school boys like you can do amazing but that was the one where they thought right [ __ ] me like there's some serious issues here the guy B who I worked with at hibs he'd always try and look after me you know I was a great player but I think they could see that something was quite something was a miss so they spoke to the social workers and kind of says look because hibs were at that stage as well great player it's too hard to handle because I was getting sent off against Rangers and stuff that was like I was a grow up a Celtic fan so H that was like the Rival Celtic Rangers so when they played them they used to call me like a [ __ ] CH or sheep shagger and I'm thinking I'm not from but I'm [ __ ] glass go as well so I end up scking ah head in someone and I get sent off so that again all at 14 but I was drinking then as well so I was starting to lose it because my my ability got me so far um but my dedication was SL and players who were below me at the time started playing better than me so I started getting angry and then I was getting angry I was [ __ ] up uh hibs was my Saving Grace for not getting took away but the alcohol came and that was just a different ball game that just made me feel alive when i' see my dad fight or other people figh I hated that give me anxiety so the drinking kind of suppressed everything so everything started to decline from 14 and that's when things started when I started the night clubs it just went [ __ ] worse how you when you was getting into nightclubs how old I was about 16 14 but my dad being a bouncer was 15 Victorious and he didn't mind it because he was there but I still I'll get to the toilet and maybe drink a [ __ ] tan of drink but then he'd end up leaving as well but by that time I knew all the bouncers so I used to walk down you're talking the CU was our way around the corner I used to walk down the front plus I wore suits then all my friends were hanging about the street I was wearing suits going to nightclubs telling the birds I played for the the first te for Hibbs it was [ __ ] easy for me plus I had a bit of P about is I was a little bad boy pretending to be um so I had all that there I had something that and it was just the attraction of the women as well [ __ ] me that was just another level I just loved it something in a nightclub in the music I just loved it I I just wanted to be there every night I started to hate football something that I'd loved from a young kid something that I lived and breathed something I thought I was going to be the best at I visualized in scoring in big stadiums I didn't know the lot of attraction in but I'd visualized doing all this but my love soon came to the women in the drink and in the drugs at 16 how many women do you think you slept with in your teens and in you're not clubing years you're talking well over a 100 for that a young age for that age because I was active since 13 14 but the nightclub just was a different ball game I just loved to drink all I wanted to do after a game was go to the pub and drink plus the gambling was kicked in at that stage looking back at the gambling was already started for Mages of four and five my uncles and aunties used to go to a place called Lars there was little fruit machines but it was like little horses used to put money in and I used you pick a color and I [ __ ] loved that my dad used to take us to shawfield which is a dog track not realizing the destruction that would cause in later years so I had all this in the back that I'd loved the gambling that was always there used to play Chippy at school loved it used to go home I never eat lunch sometimes because I was [ __ ] gambling it was mad that old the gambling was the one that was the the the main one through the years that was a catalyst but the rest were all there the gambling's the one that intrigues me the most and now that you're now that you're you're laying it out and with the timeline it's clear that you was addicted to the dopamine hit from from from the get-go if you're getting a buzz off the gambling the fires the Mischief the scoring the goal the women it's all been there but see drink and drugs womanizing fighting clubbing scoring goals I totally can understand the addiction there and food we can go on to that so I know if something's moish cuz I'm an addict I'll keep going back for more and more and more and more until whatever it is until it makes me ill I understand porn addiction all of it but I've never been able to understand gambling I mean it's sort of similar Beast it's dopamine but I just I can't get my head around I suppose you exchange money for a substance that gives you an immediate buzz and it takes you somewhere anything else you would say I can relate to but the gambling one I can't how would you describe that aside from the other addictions gambling was a was because I would [ __ ] anybody off just to gamble I would drop still borrow just had a B on the gambling was always like I said you never had money your teens but I would do try and do bad [ __ ] to maybe get money to then place a bet because you could get into the bookmakers back then 13 14 15 you could place bets you could put a on I just loved that I [ __ ] Lov the gambling when I HS released me think went Queen's Park H says we had enough we give you too many chances i' if I went to S I had better guidance and being in Edinburgh away from the home family it was different so he wanted me to sign for hibs and uh yeah and then obviously when that career went I get released to Alin no the gambling started there used to get I don't know if it was 70 quid or 100 quid a week but it was full time Al over was Monday Friday would you put bets on the games you were playing in no and how did how how did it make you feel we used to go I just loved it again it was an escape it was another form of an escape I didn't know who the [ __ ] I was the drink was then that was under 18s at ALB NOS so we Al overs we used to get our wages on a Thursday I'd get into the bookie so sometimes I had to form my mom my dad to come pick us up to say they haven't gave us their wages everything was a lie then my whole life was a lie a lied that I didn't drink a lied that I didn't get in trouble a lied that I wasn't gambling I used to tap people money all the time then you're stealing money stealing from your mom stealing your Dad's credit card it it started getting bad and um the gambling was the worst you enjoyed the process you enjoyed the buzz of it sitting there is it you know is it coming in is it is it not what was the feeling like when you lost your money where they get an ex money from it's like a crack addict better I get next back of cracks like any addict and did that over did that override the disappointment of [ __ ] I've just lost that sinking feeling but you get used to it so it must do something to the neurop pathways it must do something to The receptors in the brain because when you gamble they talk about now it's the equivalent of taking heroin it's the equivalent of when you place a bet you're get the same dopamine kick is taking heroin or Coke um so when you're placing bets it's nothing to do with the winning it's the feeling it's the feeling of putting money on and feeling good that's it whether that one I lost whether it was a 10 grand bet or whether it was a pound bet it's the feeling of not knowing just you're sitting there every man in abuki looks demented they look miserable they're [ __ ] gray they're either red or they're just lying to their wives it's a it's the hidden addiction it's a painful addiction so I I never realized it was a problem then because I just thought that's what everybody done plus I was drinking life was full of chaos so I just f as if I had to do something so it was always elements of everything you like chaos yeah that's what I thrive on chaos if my life's going to a piece I think there's something wrong but not so not so much now because I understand now the difference between bordom and peace my life at peace it's a beautiful thing but then it was normal to just be robbing Peter [ __ ] payal so um but yeah it was just that gambling then the alcohol everything I was just confused in I was so lost you see that picture of you on your Instagram where it's quite it's a harrowing image the longer you stare at it the more you take it on board you're on your own you got all the paraphernalia in front of you you look very very upset you look sad you look lost you look desperate yeah and you you promote that as well just to show people this doesn't have to be you forever so how did you go from playing at such a high level football scoring all the goals living a high life then it doesn't seem like it was a great deal of time before you're sat in what looked like a flat or a bedsit looking gaunt and completely lost with drinking drugs surrounding you how did it get to that so quick it's just a process on it it's one year and then two years I could always I was a functioning addict and when I say that I wasn't on coke and alcohol every day but when I party the people who partied with me it was a 4 day stunt and it was there was nobody that goes home I hung about the people who just love partying that we certain parties people were getting sicked they were breaking up relationships we didn't care as long as we were with each other as long as it was a bag of coke few bottles of booze we were sweet nothing else mattered so it just it was a process lost the football career I kind of chucked after Al overs I just lost interest I just love partying and being in the nightclub seeing at 15 and 16 I knew all the bad boys I know all the local gangsters or the so-called gangsters used to go on party so I loved what they were doing what they were doing was an attraction for me they had the women they had a bit of money they just looked when they walked into places that was they were powerful and I was like a little [ __ ] Apprentice that was all my dad's friends they don't know the destruction it causes later in life but they think they're looking after me they think it's better for me being with them than anywhere else so it just became I wanted that lifestyle I wanted that I was it was never me anyway I acted that life anger frustration I acted that but part of it I get used a lot as well cuz like I say I could get all the buds and plus I was M party and people love that sort of kind of fake bad boy [ __ ] image but it just spirals every year got worse every year got worse um I just wanted to be that retain character that I thought was a cool character not realizing on later in life that it's a working man it's a tough man for sure cuz that that picture that you was in so you wanted to be with you know the highflying tough guys with a reputation that seems solid but that picture of you that looked like you in a squat I can't imagine those big tough Macho men being part of that scene that looked like like a junkie scenario so did it yeah well that's one of the last parties I had that was one of the last I could fly under the radar because I would go for sun beds I would always be smart I was always IM accurate and always wear nice suits but I was stealing my Dad's credit card and [ __ ] and going down to House of frasers buying all [ __ ] top suits and all design this [ __ ] do you know what I mean like when you start stealing from your own family you know something's not right people might think because of your podcast and the type of guest that you have on that you was heavily into villainy and criminality but you just got up to Mischief you're probably a young lad with ADHD you didn't read you didn't learn because you weren't interested but as soon as you focused on something that you liked football you went laser focus and become the best yeah and not like I say my friends were game as a lot of them some of them in prison now for murder serious offenses a lot of knife crime a lot of gun violence I was never that character but I was always in the mix I could but if somebody wanted to [ __ ] jump off a roof into a swimming pool D assle do I'm that guy the da [ __ ] they like to Violent stuff there was a mixture of everything that was just [ __ ] crazy like just da da [ __ ] 22 and that's when I started getting involved in the series stuff that's when like you start trying make money and Friends become more dodgy um end up in prison end up in prison 22 that's my first stunt in berin adult prison what did you get sent to prison car chase took a car chase they says there was something in a car I took the chase end up crashing into them up P um big guy called muscles beat [ __ ] out his Man black eye bust head um and that's when that was too much cuz I was already they banned from driving before that cuz I was always getting drunk was drinking a lot then so it was always when when you sorry mate when you say car chase yeah I thought you you'll being chased by the police yeah it was in the car yeah so what did you did you did you have something in the car what was in there yeah I can't see cuz I never got caught with it ah you can tell us yeah after camera after camera but yeah I was with somebody they get away um and yeah I get caught crashed into them and uh again I thought I'm [ __ ] here because they were trying to do a [ __ ] serious assault try to say I'm not try to all come down he's talking [ __ ] but um that was 22 that was a that was a time but again see you go to prison it's like Stripes as if you've a little badge always thought oh that's what people need to do it's [ __ ] stupid I always love my freedom I love women I love partying I don't people used to like friends and that before it was when they used to come out used to hear the stories and think [ __ ] me l you're amazing not realizing how [ __ ] stupid is and how much I [ __ ] idiot you have even thinking like that but yeah 22 bini and that's when I thought [ __ ] me this is how long did you get nine months what you do like six months so you do a few months um inside and then a few months on tag and added Someone Like You who's not nasty by default you're just mischievous and you're a good-looking bastard back in the day how did you deal with jail AB when I because you watch the movies you watch the films you think I'm going to get shagged in here after what man I'm going to be Target prime example but first day I got there I remember being nervous cuz the woman who was interviewing me was saying are you okay and I'm thinking yeah of course but I was whistling not realizing that's a defense mechanism because I was nervous but soon as I went in there I think you go e- hle for the first night you're in eole and um it's or a non it's like an overnight stay you came in there for one night and I got put to a-hole soon I was in a-hole I met H boy dragy P boy always in and out the jail he got he got me on the pass straight away after two days I was on the pass myself was opened up um I knew other boys so then when you walk in there nervous after a few days you start walking with a Swagger so bear in mind I'm only in prison for a few months I was in every [ __ ] Hall after that every Hall always up to something I was always trying to make money as well to feed that lifestyle anyway so I used to run cuz I was a gambler I used to run the bookie so we used to get like say it was a race me in ASC five or six races if your horse W you get three points second two points one so I used to get that little bookie going it was bars of chocolate two bars of chocolate everybody put in if you won you get the chocolates plus I would get my bit and this was an a-hole and but we end up in a fight we J Doin he was called from the goros he's dead now go so we get a fight there um and they [ __ ] kicked us off IED up be hole and I [ __ ] hated it it was like a dungeon it was dark because I'm getting in there straight away plus my dad know a couple of the screws with being a bouncer um that was my thing as well my dad would get me out of so [ __ ] much [ __ ] so I'd always push the boy thinking my dad's always going to be there I can always get out with trouble even though I wasn't that bad people might look and say you're a [ __ ] Li you're doing a lot worse than that but it was um he would always get me out cuz he knew everybody they would say like your son's [ __ ] he he listen let me speak to him and so he knew a couple of his scws as well but as soon as I went to beha I [ __ ] hated it hated it um so i' I Tred to get moved what what was the difference between the two aole was M it was a I was had mon sale I had mon Peter they call it in Glasgow um so you can walk about I collect the plates um mop the floor and it just get shut off you're not dubbed up to 23 hours a day so I get put a Beall and that was the case 23 hours a day I had the gym any time because in the mornings you go to the register and put your name down for the gym because I was on the pass i' put my name down all my Pal's names down so we'd have the gym every day Beall was a different ball game it was dark it was dung it was 23 hours um and my dad got us another favor where I went to I think I had requested to go to dehle H cha kid cha boy from por him and his brother um both dead now God Rest Soul Man and [ __ ] uh it ended up okay there but I put in to be on the pass for the gym um and I got that so when you're in the pass for the gym you end up going to left Hall left Hall is like a prison within a prison you can open your door 24 hours a day so you're in there when you work on the gym but I try to be a smart I wanted I was very good at try to fit in I was a people pleaser back then try to fit in everybody else so I end up laugh from ho and they were other people were selling drugs bits a gear 50 Quid for [ __ ] point2 or whatever it was back then we're making some serious door so because I was on the gym I had contacts with the gardener as well so I could have got gear through over the wall which I try to [ __ ] do but I knew the garden wasn't on that day the day I tried to get it so I was on the phone in L from Whole um cancel those tickets mate because I won't be out in time stupid not thinking [ __ ] all over it couple hours later man they came ready to sell put back to beha [ __ ] hated it hated it and I finished the rest of the sentence in there hated it that's when I realized I'm never coming back here again so that was your only time in jail yeah um so it kicked out there went to beha and I [ __ ] hated it that if I never went there and if I stayed in a-hole I left I F prison was a [ __ ] course so everything in my life has been a blessing as well even though it's taught me many lessons it's there's a lot of Destruction in P there because why when this is when my life slipped this is when it it became my dark so my D get dinos came at while I was in prison my uncle was murdered when I got out of prison I had two girls pregnant at the same time my best P hung himself all in his space a [ __ ] six months so that's when I couldn't handle life my dad get taught in remission kind of beat it you never think he's going to die and then obviously get the phone call to say your dad's put up in the hospital son the Bloods aren't good he's only get three month to live that then changes everything was that while you was inside you found that out yeah so I don't know Part of Yourself blames yourself because you think all the pressures and stress understand now we speaking to enough people the stress is and pressures on life cause the body to go in pain whether it's cancers whether it's [ __ ] going gay or your whole Aura changes with stresses when interview people I know wait a minute he's not in a good place or she's not in a good place you can see the anxiety don't just to get anxiety overnight when you're a kid you're smiling 3 to 500 times a day but time you're an adult you only smile between 5 and 10 so whatever systems in place whatever things are in place people are destroying their happiness so when you do that for 10 20 30 40 years you see people's whole energy change and that's where I don't understand the pressures of life I kid who had a football career had the ability to do anything plus I was doing a little bit of modeling I was [ __ ] I was doing all right man but I just used to squander my money live for today and uh you kind of think was at the pressures of the life your son's in [ __ ] prison um not for long but you just look back at like my son man I could never think of how heartbreaking that would be do you know what I mean like he never show any emotion my D but I know it would have killed him to see me gone down that path so when he get down that was you never think they would die you always think they'll beat it you always think they'll live forever for some weird reason but to see him deteriorate I never handled that well no I bet and your best friend he hung himself yeah he killed himself he the drugs just got him did you start taking drugs at the same sort of time I was kind of losing myself to drugs anyway cocaine was the main thing gambling cocaine that was the that was it's not dry no boo sometimes yeah but all my friends were acors so they used to have big bags of [ __ ] gear we were using each other cuz I was a gambler I never had money I was always taing people or they would you come on out G I was always that nature people would always give me things if IID [ __ ] some for money they would struggle to [ __ ] hate on me because I'd have that big da Smiler I'll get you but they would still give me more stuff or they would give me more money they would that was my nature it's like a gift of the gab was like a fanny man just going through I was like a circus act always at the parties I was always Lively I was always mischief and [ __ ] up in the table dancing four days I keep the party going um looking back just you're just a circus act a clown would been better putting a clown outfit on and go joining the circus how' you recover from your best might hanging himself you don't you don't then my dad then I had two girls pregnant at the same time as well I thought this at that stage I never thought I'd love love p f I know that when you hit 30 that was that was the turning point for you where everything started going that way but this is this is this is before you're 30 obviously see your dad two girls pregnant at the same time and your best mate hanging himself that is that is a hell of a lot for one man to tell even one of those things for one man is a lot to take on and try and make sense of and then recover from let alone move forward and then sort of build the life that you've built for yourself now because I get a lot of DMS I'm sure you get 10 times the man I do and they're probably of a similar nature and I get a lot of people say to me that their best friend died they've ODed been murdered hung themselves I think [ __ ] I've dealt with a fair few bits and pieces in my life but how how would I actually deal with that what do what did you do self-medicated drink drugs anger frustration gambling they were already in the back Bund they were already in my loer when my dad died that was the worst because I thought what cuz when my dad get three month to live but the corpers at that stage were coming through my door my dad get three months to live they can through my door when my dad's dying they can through my house right through the [ __ ] door um and my dad's up in his bed dying I got a phone call at 5:00 in the morning to say well listen when my phone goes at 5:00 in the morning back then it's for two reasons somebody's want party and get on it or the coppers are at your door and sure as [ __ ] the coppers were at the door want me to question over a robbery um so I thought [ __ ] hell but instead of me trying to handle it I'm thinking to myself I'm just straight back on the packet I'm straight out for three four days bear in mind my dad's [ __ ] D my mom's had to kind of Nur him um as a man you I should have been there at the Forefront I know that now but I didn't know how to handle the pressures and the losses of life I thought these bastards are try to set me up for something because there was a lot of other [ __ ] going on at that time which I'm not getting because it's still on going but um I thought these [ __ ] are try to set me up here uh and if I held myself and there was a good chance I was getting remanded but if I stay away the last few [ __ ] months of my Dad's life are going to be even more torment because the coppers are looking for his son he's [ __ ] dying so I kind of thought man that it kind of a Crossroads and but for me I looked after myself didn't I I didn't face him you I [ __ ] got high I got mad with it and the weed started to kick into that place so I kind of my dad was dying the weed started to sneak in for some reason again when I looked back it was all it all made sense because even when I was active I was doing little bits to make money because I was a gambler I never kicked on I never ever kicked on anything I done it was always level one because when you've never got anything I burn all my bridges if I had the mindset now I'd have been [ __ ] a force of anything I ever put my mind to because I understand emotions understand how patterns work understand how to be successful but I'm glad cuz now I look back and I think [ __ ] me if I all that served me at that time even though it was all pain and misery it was all the same pns as well but all my dad's uncles were murdered or myom uncles were mured my mom's lost two brothers to Mur so bear in mind my mom's lost two brothers to Mur uh our dad our husband died with k i was a [ __ ] up but that pressure the women's went through is unbelievable to [ __ ] even go through that but yet you don't see that I seen me bear in mind I've got [ __ ] kids on the way but I just want to sit in parties and get high I don't want to [ __ ] admit I'm a [ __ ] loser I don't want to admit I've got issues or problems everybody else was a problem they can never just leave me alone just switch the phone off I blamed everybody else no seeing that I had [ __ ] addictions everywhere I was never a Coke every day I was never alcohol every day but when it was a session it was fre four days the gambling was every day so when you open the door to one negative thing you open the door to the whole [ __ ] lot of them so I had gambling drink sex [ __ ] everything else that came with every other negative trait you could possibly think I just wanted that cuz that made me feel important so sometimes you do that stuff and it make you feel good for a day then it becomes 18 hours then 16 hours then 14 hours 10 hours 8 hours 6 hours and then you do it just makes you feel worse I wasn't even getting any any satisfaction I was just in pain sober or on drugs because of this here all those murders that you had a direct connection to in the sense of you're going to feel that pain because there you know you're you're connected one way or another they're relatives were they Gangland related yeah and but I'd already lost friends to mother before that as well i' I've been losing friends since the ages of 14 my friend AR passed was a good friend at school mad bastard man um he passed away at 14 so I kind of every year there was always pain there was always element a pain there's always losing loved ones from addiction suicide or murder there was never anything the only two people I lost in my life now I've been over 40 funerals and I'm only [ __ ] 39 that's a lot of people um and the only two only two of them have been through natural causes which is my great grand and grandparent my great grandma that's only two it went natural causes they went 83 and 85 I think and the rest has all been through addiction cancers murder suicide just all torment what's what were the murders guns or knives both both family members stabbed to death and de friends shot stabbed do you know what I mean so drug related yeah kind of it just stripp it things as well not everything it's just things that should nobody should ever get murdered ever there should be no but that's just the way the world everybody's in turmoil the money is a root of all evil causes so much pain and destruction do you know what I mean so it's just in that low vibration that's why I always talk about vibrations and energy and always say show me your friends and I'll show you your future that was the life that was normalized that [ __ ] weird dark life do you know what I mean I've seen the weakest become the strongest and I've seen the strongest become the weakest I never looked at anybody in for they're living it I used to look at the drug dealers with the big convertibles the big blondes in the front seat and think wow that's what I need to get that's what's going to make me happy not realizing in years to come the girlfriends are Haggard they've been passed about [ __ ] anybody's business the boyfriends or husbands are in out of prison they're skint the it's just it's just a [ __ ] up environment it's a [ __ ] up life St and yet we glorify it so much yeah it's crazy I mean they being a gangster makes a good movie but it don't make a good life yeah never 39 funerals or however many you you've been to and two of them natural causes the rest are through [ __ ] murders yeah man that's a lot to take on and this is all before you were 30 yeah but I was that party boy though so people might not understand it but I was I would I would go everywhere in Glasgow I was wasn't just there I grew up I was always ventured out I was going to Liverpool and leads and I was always in glasgo that time partying I just go to Party houses so back then your 20 30 people in a gaff and then it would Swindle down to 201 10 but you'd always have that five or six people who would be there the third day the fourth day who didn't want to go home for some reason I was that guy but you grow a bond with those people still now I think about those people what they doing see being at your weakest and your lowest there's a connection there with these people you're parting with because they were using me just as much as I was using them I wanted somebody there and if I didn't have somebody in my party days I would try and have a girl there with me as well I just needed somebody I couldn't be alone I couldn't be alone I had to always be active I had to always be something because it made these thoughts the voices wouldn't be as loud yeah it's crazy man but I thought that was normal but my dad went I just I remember when he passed away in the couch it's funny he passed away in the couch and I remember just grabbing him and saying and saying sorry and he here just remember saying sorry sorry I said shut up son but had a we tear in his eye I just thought [ __ ] and H cuz he was kind of all over the place and because he was he was dying didn't want to die in the hospital had too much pride and H yeah I just remember saying sorry and I up to her room had I cry had a few joints and then do you think your dad knew what you was apologizing for I don't know I don't know it's weird if you was good at hiding and masking everything did you realize just how out of control you were no cuz you had pay always trying to see good on you like I say I was never that but then I look back all my they we all mad bastards my life is full of chaos and torment people don't realize the extent of it and obviously I can get a lot today but there's a lot of can't go into CU a lot of stuff's unsolved a lot of stuff's still there and you know what I mean and you always feel when you're telling your story talking out with SK as well you know I mean I'm just trying to teach people from understanding my life a bit more and what I've overcome to then make the changes to try and be something in your life you know what I mean so my dad went to shackles were off and I just became lost I feel was if I had a free- for all but I was scared because I never had that backup yeah now sa that is scary yeah so again when that happened my life slipt for years they Coke they drink but then they weed replaced that I didn't smoke I I cannot imagine you ever smoking I can imagine all the other stuff and Valiums but I could never imagine you smoking yeah smoking joints man and it kind of when I look at the things I realized whatever cards I've been dealt that was the cards that was supposed to be there the gambling because never kicked on at other levels of crime I stayed at level one but the joints just soon caught up with the gambling it became in par both every day so i' sat in my room smoke joints realizing now I was just depressed I lost myself completely I wasn't working I was staying in my mom's house only and I had two kids which I couldn't provide for cuz I was a [ __ ] bum I was gambling every day and smoking joints um how low did that take you suicid or low think about suicide but I never had the bottle to do that I never had the minals man there's not I never had I think about it where people come to my funeral where people die where people cry where they care but I just you think about it you think about it because it's easier it's not easier but what whoever then decides to make that decision man it takes a lot of balls to do that decision like that's for me listen there's got to be some element of depression and a little bit of weakness or whatever you don't want to find it but to take your own life is nothing but strength to [ __ ] end it but it just shows you how that your thought process is to end it I never I thought about it I thought about what would be like my sure or death but I never I would never fall it through but the thoughts were frequent because you're just lying there being a bum um the weed kicked in that was every night with the gambling so I just had weed and gambling in my life at that time through 25 26 to tter just maybe the odd night out with the Coke but I didn't like it because I was always confident but you start then from 12 stone to be going 14 Stone 15 Stone 16 Stone nothing F you you feel uncomfortable you're sweating people tell you [ __ ] me you're putting on the weight I'd become one of those guys who were a good-looking kid back in the day but their hair falls out they start putting on the weight in their 30s they become totally lost I knew I was becoming that I could have been some the guy sitting in a pub I could have been a contender I could have been a football player every guy who I sat in a pub could have been something and I and I was becoming that guy something had the ability to do anything to then losing it all and I just I just became a reclus then for the first time in life I became a re clus just sat in the house smoking when I was smoking joints my dad was dying he was going they were going out for dinners his last [ __ ] supper basically and I'm [ __ ] in the house just want to smoke joints and and gamble he's [ __ ] last time on the planet we know he's got a time limit we know he's going to die but I chose the other stuff I don't know if it's because it's hard to see as well a lot of that's pain like I don't it's not that was a bad I just didn't want to see it I wanted to block it out so that's where it all came from blocking everything out but the we again it's it's full of [ __ ] the chemicals it's in it the stuff that's sprayed with the damage it does to the brain people look at Snoop Dog it looks [ __ ] terrible there's people in their 50s and 60s look a 100 times better than him but then it's glorified I used to listen to all that [ __ ] rap music Low vibrational stuff 808 smoking joints and think you're a [ __ ] gangster you're a [ __ ] mug do you know what I mean you're putting something into your border it's taking you away numb in some sort of pain you becomeing a bubble for me personally when you smoke weed the TV is funnier food tastes better but [ __ ] me your psyche is not here because coming off that again is is one of the hardest to up there with the gambling coming off the weed that was for [ __ ] struggle the agitation because I used to put tobacco in with my joints so I had the tobacco and the joints the weed to kind of come off people say it's easy I can stop stop then they can't it's [ __ ] hard I know people now because I've seen people smoking hash 14 15 16 who were still smoking in their 30s and 40s they give up then they can't because it's gripped them it's like when you've got an addiction your soul gets kidnapped they kidnap your soul your vessel's still here walking about but your Soul's it's it's there something's got your soul same as alcohol alcohol comes from the Arab Arabic word which means alcohol which means G Body eating Spirits that's why they call it Spirits because the say when you drink it toxify the the soul the soul leaves the body and the the entities of the spirits that you're drinking take over the body people black out sleep with people sleep with people who don't even [ __ ] like get angry the jail is full of people is in there through through drink because it GES them that Dutch CES and they think they're game when they're not and then they're sitting in there thinking what the [ __ ] have I done alcohol's a poison as well just as much as the weed just as much as coffee just as much is sugar and I know there's health benefits from them all but it takes away your free thinking because we crave it and as soon as you crave something it's got your power that's why when you ask for a coffee I says no because i' be [ __ ] six or eight coffees deep all agitated all over the GFF I crave it the only thing I crave now is sugar but I understand the process and there's so many health benefits and negatives from everything in life I get it but for me and my understanding over it I don't want anything to ever have the power over me the way it used to have in my life and that's why it's [ __ ] difficult before we go to the turning point in amongst all the madness did you ever did you ever think to yourself I could end up getting murdered yeah of course man because you're at parties you're sitting with randoms yeah the C was getting stronger as well the proper was coming out that we used to SN maybe half an ounce announce between a few of his over the weekend um a grma proper man everybody was out the tits for two three nights it was [ __ ] it was a it was another ball game people think they were saving money but I prefer the Sher stuff you do a shite and your mouth's all [ __ ] numb that stuff was all right the 50/50 and 50 Quid but a gear this stuff was 100 quid and I seen the difference in the change everybody's sitting at parties vegetated it was crazy but it was always in my thought I never make it for past 30 anyway that's why I thought [ __ ] it if I've got kids then at least maybe somebody could leave a legacy for me and living my name I never seen the future I never had any plans I never had any goals I never it was just living day by day where can I get the next bit of money who can I tap can I go to my sisters for money can I go to my mom's for money I was starting to lose the people who would help me out it became a lonely Jour I knew I was I knew I was a total failure then did youit his people losing respect for you yeah i' lost that when I I just when you start [ __ ] everybody for money you lose that because I was taing neighbors and I would never give give them it back I still owe them that was the gambling addiction it took me to places it scares you for life and the biggest personality trait that you've got to adopt if you're living that sort of Life hand to mouth addiction plotting scheming is you have to become a liar yeah compulsive liar and that's what I was good at that's part I think my interviews work as well CU I've learned so many trades at everything because when i' [ __ ] some for money if I I needed to go and get money from someone if I needed to get money from my sister I would go over on there but everybody up tell jokes make everybody feel good but you're a circus act you're just a circus act to then make them feel good and then when you leave you say look can you give them 100 quid and they go yeah you D bastard they feel sorry for even though you ow them [ __ ] thousands anyway they know they're never getting it back but they just feel sorry for you you have to play a victim every time you go and hit somebody for money you learn your vibration to try and get a a fix to then place a bet yeah I've still got kids who wasn't really providing for and then you just feel like a total loser so you're still blocking out all the pain I never face the pain ever until obviously when you start really want to make changes and then you go you know what [ __ ] it I'm better than this I used to sit at parties at the end up and think I ain't it for me I used to look around and think look at the [ __ ] state of these people I used to stand in bookies think look at the these mugs I started getting angry who I'd become I started getting angry who I was surrounding myself with I started getting angry looking at these other people and nobody's thinking about is this it can we not do better I started to think that way and then at 29 that's when I thought [ __ ] this I'm done that f with a green jacket that was the that was the last STW that was the one where I thought I'm better than us it's good that you keep that photograph up eight as a permanent reminder for you as who you never want to be again and how far you've come but also for all the hundreds of thousands of people that follow you you're walking talking living proof you know and I've heard you say enough times everybody can change yeah but they've got to want to change a they that's the that's key number one you can't just imagine changing and take no action you've actually got to really really dig deep and have a conversation with yourself that you don't actually like yeah and that's that's the game changer there it's painful change is painful but a beautiful thing about life and I always repeat it because you don't know who's listening or watching it might need it at this moment anybody can make changes no matter if you're an addict no matter if you're in prison no matter if you're an abusive relationship you can change anything in your life that you want to but it takes time it takes [ __ ] guts it takes courage it takes everything that you have in your [ __ ] soul to then push on and go I'm not taking this anymore goal setting is key there's only 3% of the world to goal set writing it down is putting spells into the universe that's why you call it spelling for a reason every goal that I've set out over the last 10 years I've achieved every single [ __ ] one it's so important so I made the changes 29 I done [ __ ] this came off it for nine months drink drugs gambling I went phone on I remember running along the canal I started running and I had my big po Tam did you go re first no no no no went to started go into meetings a na CA but I wasn't an alcoholic um but they tell you the drink I was consuming three four days was probably more than an alcohol it was drinking on his every day so I would dip my toe in I'd get embarrassed I'd think this isn't me this isn't me then you surrender to it and go [ __ ] it was me um but Jack Gamblin was my main one that was a g was was the main one for me because I just wanted to once you start go to these meetings you realize you're not alone you realize everybody's in the same boat you realize I was still getting out semi [ __ ] San at 29 and that's when I met Louise and that's when I thought [ __ ] me man this is unbelievable um my friend gave us a little job was 250 quid a week to clean out his storage I was start to me about a way a little wage it never even [ __ ] lasted because I was getting my food at lunch time and I was you're probably lucky 00 quid at week but I could then go to the cinema at the weekend get a curry for me that was that was it I didn't need the extravagant I just thought [ __ ] me this is what it feels like to be normal I was starting to see the world differently I was starting to say no which is important is say no grow a set of balls and say no if you don't want to go out if you don't want to drink if you don't want to take drugs don't not feel peer pressure to agree say no you lose a lot of people through it but they people never give a [ __ ] about you in the first place anyway so I had the mes going for the house 29 life going amazing I thought was it have a more couple of kids but under the same roof steady household I'll keep working that I've got and I'll start building the bridges that I've bunt and because people know the people are starting to see [ __ ] hell M you're looking good um because I know how to be F I could still go and run a half Mar and I can still I'm strong big [ __ ] always got that in his through the years of playing football the wait and that goes up and down but I'm always still fit um changed at 29 and then ripped to ceing down started gambling then started drinking again started on the gear she left left that book and that's when I started really looking at the world again started watching motivational speakers but when she left I think it was just coming up my fa buff had a massive fa massive fa party like 3 400 people and walk about in the town in Glasgow uh because I knew everybody everybody I could go any area any place and I always knew people even to this day just the audience has got wider I can go anywhere on this planet and I would have a room for me I would have a a meal for me anywhere on the planet whether that's a UK Russia Germany Holland Dubai China America there's always a door open for me for me to go I've kept good contact even though I can laugh about it now the people in the past a pal J who I've just teamed up with again after 20 years we were a couple of [ __ ] lose cannons um but back to the 30th had my big party and that's when a green jacket was there I don't I [ __ ] that again that was your 30th four days deep went to got a taxi at I never had any money went to I spunked all my [ __ ] buff one was like, 1600 quid or 1700 quid through cards and stuff um done it all that four days wa the casino that gambling for a gear Green Jacket came on done it and uh had no money my sister had to pay for the taxi and uh in that moment there as well was when it all changed I sat in the room think I had to cry I done 30 years of age I says I'm a [ __ ] dead beat I'm I'm a bum look at the state here um rot it down no more drink no more drugs no more gambling and that's when I went out and [ __ ] done it all what did you do with that Green Jacket I've kept it have you yeah that's gone an auction in 10 years man that'll be worth millions you might get a few quid for that it's a that was a that was a game changer can I just ask what about the with the withdrawals I could have done cuz that's the fear I think why a lot of people don't stop or deal with their addiction is because they are pet F of the withdra so it was always one or the other for me I if I stopped drinking and taking gear replace it with the weed I would try and stop gambling but for two or three weeks off the gambling the weed would get higher DT take would get higher so try and cut all out which I'd never done from ages of [ __ ] 14 nothing there's all something there so that was the women the drink the drugs the gambling cut all out cleansed and then I started to I started watching videos of Les Brown Tony Robbins and the they were talking about the energies and they we're talking about positivity and to make changes you've got to be consistent and keep going and push through the pain they were old school and it made sense I used to walk for hours with my dog I had a big boxer back there and I [ __ ] loved them hatting that was my best pal even though I had kids and I I used to go home in my mom's for the dog I [ __ ] just loved them I love dogs man still to this day but I wrote it down and I was [ __ ] flying I went and done a personal training course six weeks smashed it I got 1500 quid I think for my daughter's mom my mom gave me money my sister gave me money they seen you know what this is the first time we've seen them trying there a six week course this is your first ever job on it yeah six week course um cheated I'm [ __ ] like I say the school I get embarrassed but when it comes to the the interaction the personal stuff and out there in the gym floor [ __ ] flying talk to people old Pete old how the dogs how the grandkids they'd [ __ ] L they never had a PT in their life but after a few weeks they would come to me because i' both are poor I've always had that gift people just gravitate towards me I'm a good [ __ ] so I would always make people feel good even though I was conniving and thinking how can I get money off him I can [ __ ] him was a scam but I'd make them feel good he was a nice can yeah yeah yeah yeah if ever have one so I done that course um smashed it again Class Clown still had that dness I was 30 cheated the test sat next to a girl copied all her results and then for the Practical smashed that as well so I got my first ever job in exercise for less and H being a PT within 6 weeks this is when everything I've ever done every football team I've ever we've always been winners I've always been a winner I was always even though I [ __ ] up at a lot of things every football team I was always a win we always won cups we always won [ __ ] leagues anything ever done always had the most beautiful girl friends listen I was still a [ __ ] up but in my mind I could still if if having a party for four days I was a winner because I was the last to leave I'm a winner even though it was [ __ ] negative I win at this and he loses quick yeah exactly so that was my mindset so even though I've always had the winner mentality I never know how I never knew how to I [ __ ] never knew how to use it to my advantage for a positive in life became a PT but after 6 weeks the PS in who doing 10 20 years struggling I went in there six weeks and I was fully book I had [ __ ] 30 hours a week booked in I was [ __ ] making thousands a week the P the head PT get sacked he caught T steroids in a toilet or some [ __ ] so charene Cooper who I love to bit so shout out with Charlene if she ever sees this um everybody was going for interview all suited and booted there's 20 PTs in this gym bear in mind I'm in this gym six weeks I've put in shorts and t-shirt had a top knot at the time I went down a [ __ ] Spirit show din um and H she gave me the job had PT I was in charge of 20 personal trainers I was fully booked within six weeks I'm making changes and try to go um and get a do something in my life I became top boy man fully booked everybody [ __ ] loved his every class I done was full I just had a [ __ ] presence and because I was listening to all the motivational speakers I thought that's what I can do so I plan to do motivational speaking and then I went to LA to become a motivational speaker what happened over there man he passed to we I come back and end up getting on it no yeah you lapsed again yeah yeah I mean I shouldn't laugh but [ __ ] El GE so after the PT and you lapsed after that yeah flying I started to have money I had serious do saving seeing my kids great relationship life was [ __ ] brilliant um just stayed on a journey stayed on a journey never shagged any of the clients never done nothing um I was on a journey uh and I've done this for what over a year or something and I thought [ __ ] it I'm going to La I says I can get a a gym over job in a gym over there I can do motivational speaking went to LA I was going to do the universities and that I was going to clean up my accent get some lessons elocution lessons is that what it's called um and then over La had things in place to do little talks little seminars Man passed away man magget she was an alcoholic back in the day changed her life but ended not addicted to diet coke think she was drinking like 20 cans that day ended up with cancer yeah so she's replaced that same as my uncles and that is they were all in prisons and going to prisons and addicted to like gambling and drugs as well so it's always been in the family history it's in your bloodline it yeah so and then you start looking into dnas and previous lives and how things can get pass down in generation my granders bad gamblers uncles um in and out of Prisons I've been going out of Prisons for ages of four five as young as I remember to visit uh my dad's friends are uncles so went to LA I thought you know what I'm on this journey I'm going to [ __ ] take over the world I'm going to become the biggest motivational speaker on the planet I never had a clue what I was doing I was only copying what they say even my past is [ __ ] I say is from what other people say because I've took it to them and I've mastered it in their little Craft um so went to LA got a phone call listen an Margaret's not well she's dying they says listen it's probably best you just stay back but my Margaret was amazing so when the Coopers and when I had wants out back in the day I used to stay with her um and poor bastard man she ended up I get chased out the gym with the c one day I was getting questioned over something some serious [ __ ] um they chase me out to gym man I've went to her house but they obviously followed as a the taxi driver I've l in the backseat in the taxi and the taxi driver what [ __ ] did me I says may just drive take his this address and H I went up to her house got money paid the drive and he's [ __ ] off I don't know if he's said to the SC but the CPP have came through his door her daughter she's took a hypo cuz she ended up um diabetic again and you see that struggle as well but she was always my aunties and uncles they could never say a bad word about me they always had my [ __ ] back no matter what anybody says no matter what I done they always was they loved us Mom and Dad just loved us they couldn't really see you got you got to fight it's very hard to dislike no matter no matter what you do so that's how you got away with it yeah so I just always had that but when La thought would be amazing but I just loved man maget as well and I thought I cannot not go to your [ __ ] it pay your respects back to know couple hours past I thought I'd smashed all I'm coming out two years off at all not one drop not nothing just on a path became a good personal trainer making some do D the bank cut was had a vodka bang went missing for a year [ __ ] that I never went back to personal training never done motivational speaking never went back to LA left it and just back to my mom's and just lost all the money started gambling started on a gear and I was just a lost soul again 32 that's an addict in the truest sense of the word you hear stories about people that have gone sober 10 years they get married they raise a glass have a sip of champagne to toast they weding and then bam that's it and that's the first time I realized I've not got this under control I thought I'd beat it I was a smartass that's not good the power over me I can have one drink that one drink led to me a year off it went [ __ ] mad again and then I was in my mom's house bang on it all and then a Glasgow reality show popped up called glow and I thought this is it I could be a celebrity here I can have all the birds I can be a all time milon [ __ ] me I was wrong man and so when you when you went when you went on glow yeah which is a glity show is the first two Ls and last two letters of Glasgow glow so it's a it's it's a Scottish version of TW yeah yeah but we glasgow's too rough to be competing with [ __ ] Lamborghinis and three four million pound houses we're [ __ ] rough next that cast of glow was um myself we had people in the jail for guns and [ __ ] series assaults and attempt murders it was a [ __ ] it was mad bastards and did you have to apply for GL did they come went addition somebody messaged me um cuz I was doing a personal training I it was a GU who I done a personal training with she says look there's a reality show so we went for an audition phone call the next day listen you've got it it's like six guys six girls I thought this is it because I used to watch the other reality shows and think man they're happy that will fit all the pieces together that's what I need to see celebrities and I think they're happy they the life that's what will fit all the broken pieces together that's shattered in my life bit of money bit of Fame always kind of Sav that I thought that's what would make ease the pain um but you're still using yeah at this stage oh yeah on glo's [ __ ] parties everything was free we had to do a pilot plus every could Slaughter that Glasgow people listen I love glasgo where I'm former [ __ ] die for the bastards but it's um it's ruthless Scottish people are ruthless so glow gets slaughtered it [ __ ] got slaughtered look at these fanes this and that so the drink kind of suppressed that wave a hate um because I never felt much hate in my life oh you got you got hype from the back oh [ __ ] hell we get terrorized but even when I done the personal training I'd never experienced hate because everybody I surrounded myself kind of loved his I was always the funny guy I always made people feel good even though I was causing destruction in Mayhem but when I done the personal training job as soon as I got the head PT the first time I'd ever felt proper hat when all the pts turned against me he's not qualified he's this he's that he can't even do this right and I'd felt that I didn't like that man I didn't like that feeling of because I was a people pleaser as well I'd like to make people happy but these bastards turned on as people done a job 10 20 years and didn't get the job they [ __ ] turn yeah first time I'd ever felt it and then I felt it again because I'm only thinking I'm on here shag all the buds get a bit of Fame become a millionaire be on Theona that's it the [ __ ] glamorize all this fake [ __ ] because at that stage it was popular then 10 years ago so I done that we partied like [ __ ] and we got slaughtered what did you have to do to audition for I just sat in the way I'm talking to you I went down my suit on jilled hair tan and uh gave him a bit of my backstory and I just loved it you're in I was in I was [ __ ] in and out the party and the drun the drink the drugs just [ __ ] me him but I became the fans favorite with done a vote um the fans favorite and abig G it so I thought man I'm late I always struggled where being likeed always struggled with not feeling good enough even today I always feel as if I'm never good enough I always feel as if I should be given more always feels if maybe I should help him more because looking back in my life I feel as if if I'd helped if I was strong the way I am now a lot of people wouldn't have lost to overdose or suicide have been my [ __ ] hands like a simple sentence or a simple one hour chat with me it can make your life see it a bit different it's not a blow smoke up on ass but I spoke to enough people now to go wait a minute man I've done it but I would have had the experience and the knowledge I've got now to then guide them cuz I was a [ __ ] up but became the fans favorite um and then I was just too much drama there was too much drama my kids mom who the my daughter's mom boyfriend was in it as well who she's now got a kid to so we were in the show together we end up friends and stuff it was Madness but I end up too toxic I left became fans favorite and I thought what the [ __ ] am I going to do now so I had to make changes again wrot everything down again this is why it's important to write it down cuz if you write it down there's 60 70% more chance of it happening so I wrote everything down no drink no drugs no gambling done at all again became clean became sober and I've obviously not looked back since but through that making changes I love being on camera I love speaking I love making entertaining people I love helping people so I came down to London to try and look for work I was going to get a PT job somewhere but in the midst of that I ended up speaking to a veteran who was homeless I think it was like 20 years on the street or something and it [ __ ] broke my heart man it put my strings on the F cuz I was always looking for answers this old man gave me the answers because I realized first of all James your life's not that bad stop feeling sorry for yourself I felt as if I was a victim for years spoke to this man taught me his story end up hitting the bottle his kids left him his mes left him served for his country for [ __ ] many years and end up in the Street Homeless with nothing and it touched his for some reason I thought you know what that's when I decided to make the homeless documentary made the documentary homeless at Christmas the same guys that I worked with on glow Gordon and Steph Steph who I still work with now um I come up with this idea to do a homeless documentary uh to go homeless for seven days sleep in the street for seven days through Christmas and always questioned myself for that I thought am I doing this because I still want attention to pretend that I'm a good guy or am I doing it for the right reasons if I'm honest part it was both I wanted to be likeed I've always wanted to be likeed always wanted people to think I was a good guy and even though I [ __ ] done a lot of [ __ ] sh back in the day but decided to do this documentary these guys agreed to do it bear in mind of no money um and I we done it slept in the street told the family I was going on a fitness retreat they like that's amazing because I knew I was going through that Journey again slept in the streets for seven days and it just since then my life has just get bigger better stronger um and since then I've got stronger physically financially mentally spiritually it's just been non-stop the last 6 years your homeless documentary which I think should be mandatory viewing and I encourage anybody to go and find it on James's Channel now a lot of people would make a similar documentary but when the camera Cuts they go back to bed you didn't do that did you you lived it and breathed it as if you was actually homeless didn't you food banks slept in the street but I was practically [ __ ] homeless anyway but staying in I never had any money for part of me as well I was thinking that man maybe you'll see the world differently First first day I was I was slept in a chapel doorway and I thought what the [ __ ] am I doing what am I doing get yourself home like it's freezing it was coming up to Christmas um but then the second day came and then I started to get to speak to people and then the third day came and then I became closer to these people started sleeping under H Bridges became close to Cass who was a transgender Stuart which we'll touch on in a bit but I just um and then I started going to these shelters and seeing these amazing people like I'm not I'm not a in religion anymore but these people believed in Christ and they were people were homeless were changing their lives and then helping other people they had a belief system and that could be a great thing for other people for me it's just I see the world differently and that's the way I see it just now who knows what the future holds but started seeing these people talking about religion and them getting upset and really want to help people in Christmas dinners and giving people clothes and walking around the streets at night making sure people are safe because when I started doing that documentary one of the women was twice in a day guy was stabbed set in fire shot on peed on but what they have to go through on a daily basis is unbelievable that's human beings and I forget it sometimes I forget what the purpose is and that's the gift in life is given for me as soon as you help somebody not only do you help them automatically but you automatically feel good and we're so lost in a society we walk by homeless people every single [ __ ] day the week when I was doing that H documentary part of me thought I was going insane part of me thinking I waking up and I'm actually homeless because when I go to day four day five I was shattered because I never really switched off because I always thought what if somebody [ __ ] stabs me what if somebody actually thinks I was homeless and somebody tries to test me so it's scary as well but when you actually see people who have once had that opportunity same as everybody at Birth to be something in our life or try and do good everybody's success levels are different in life everybody defines everything differently but it's when you're there's people who's get less than me and you Liam who are happier than me and you do you know what I mean some of these people who were homeless were quite happy and content there and funny and just [ __ ] it life mental listen for me it's it's not the way it should be no man or no woman should be homeless but they were um it [ __ ] touched his a lot of the stories and and building a bond and and try to do the right thing in life but part of me was doing it for myself and ever since that documentary we've changed lives from it I still do so much work behind the scenes doing it which I don't promote cuz I feel as if as soon as I promote I'm doing it for the selfish reasons but I've stuck to my word we've changed Li after it we still do work now with it and this has been five years later and what was the worst act of Cruelty you witnessed when you was homeless just it's just a disrespect is the guy sh and get a job or I never get spot on or peed on or none of that [ __ ] but it's a disrespect of human beings seeing other human beings lying there dying the food that we waste daily is unbelievable we've got [ __ ] two billion people starving all around the world with we've not get clean water in so many places in the world but yet we live a life of luxury here and yet we walk by people who are starving who are scared and who are basically dying on the streets we walk past them every day cuz we're so caught up in our own lives and I get that but for me just some to giving you your time two minutes of your time how are you you okay what happened and just taking an interest in our story for me that's that was the most caring thing because there's a lot of people care so many people were giving you sages and money and and clothes and a lot of genuine [ __ ] people out there who genuinely care there's so many other people who caught in their own world who are also struggling there was people with two jobs who were still going to the food banks so people are struggling but when you see a homeless man in the street or a homeless woman that's somebody's son or daughter man somebody's best friend somebody's mom or dad and it's scary to think that people go to that level where they think that's all they are because it's okay rehoming someone but if you've got low self-esteem if you've got addiction issues you can't [ __ ] keep it do you know what I mean I had I if I was G a house in my 20s I would have [ __ ] it but yeah I was never homeless cuz I always never had a house to go to or a girl's house to go to but when you feel alone a world within a world and you don't feel good enough that's why you turn to drink drugs because it [ __ ] numbs your pain it numbs whatever you're feeling you got to go back to the root of the problem work on the route how you ended up there work on your addictions and then try and rehome someone in my own opinion all this Darkness you've seen stands to reason why you're going to want to mask it with stuff be it substance or achieving striving for for the next thing keeping your mind occupied a lot of standup comedians they uh they hide behind the Mas don't they they're they're blocking something out and you gave that a go didn't you now standup comedy standup comedy I've always been interested in talking to you about this cuz a that takes some balls what what made you think you're going to do it and how did it go because I was always a funny bastard but being funny at parties and standing up on the stage that's a totally different level of balls yeah I went in vess and done my first gig Gary falls who still doing it who I love to bits and I for [ __ ] [ __ ] myself get out there and there's like a we Pub like 60 70 people and my ass went man my ass went I crumbled I got a couple of jokes I try to give people PS in the crowd but just nothing I just lost it man and then I Tred to do a few more but I never had that method of thinking I've got now of the consistency of pushing through and learning the craft and repeat repeat no matter if you fail you must learn from that grow from that push through and that's all I know now is Success 99% of success is failure but again that was just another Journey done a few gigs and thought it's not for me because when I was making changes I wanted to become as authentic as I could without masking because I was always masking my pain for me comedy was another form of masking because after the show I would be drained and I thought [ __ ] hell like who am I that's not me it's not me as an individual I've played that act of a clown for so longjoy yeah I became lost and yeah I don't know [ __ ] this I thought what am I going to do I think I was watching Russell Brand Joe Rogan and then that's when a light ball moment happened that's when I decided I'm going to be a podcast host so it what stage during of the journey cuz you went to like a mind altering retreat didn't you you ask her retreat was that after the podcast yeah I was doing the podcast that so I done a homeless documentary December we had a big Premier for IT stand in evation and I done [ __ ] me man I've got something here I'm I'm good man at some I've got this like I'm good behind the camera I can I don't know what it is it's a gift that I've always had I can always I don't know how to explain it but I realized sold 300 tickets we sold out a cinema room I think it was like Christmas Eve or boxing day it was like a Sunday everybody [ __ ] showed up be in mind I've got 100 followers and H few hundred followers try to do glow and I done this homeless documentary there's some newspapers who still don't speak to me now because they thought it was a like a a toed def flat whatever the [ __ ] they're saying they say it's just somebody's fame fame hungry probably right I had agree but I thought it was a bit harsh because we change lies from it and I think the more people who see it the more people who can understand life a bit and understand human beings but done the homeless documentary we done the premier and decided to do the podcast in February can we before we move to the podcast mhm which I've I mean I'm interested in all of your life story but obviously I'm particularly interested in that now now it's a it's a journey I've decided to embark on so before we get to the good stuff the meetting the gravy just want to clear up a McDonald's incident oh yeah that I've seen on CCTV because I've I've seen I've seen it in its entirety and some people won't have seen it all some people would have heard little Snippets here and there and everywhere and from what I saw you're in McDonald's and you get approached aggressively by a female yeah several times yeah you put your hands up looks like a drink went flying somewhere she's followed you out I think there was two of them followed you out you've done this to restrain her and it blew massively out of proportion so in your own words just just clear that incident up for me yeah yeah yeah so I was think I was just glow at the time so when was in the media and [ __ ] H and I network marketing I was doing I think it was like see the pyramids schem I don't know if it was like yeah was sing but I would I could fill rooms up um and I thought man like I'm master of many trades um but I never ever found a passion and I just thought I'd do this as well trying and get I bought into it selling coffee I two friends up from London two big [ __ ] guys man two boxers as well heavy-handed and uh we had done a meeting and ex exercise for last the gym that was doing we held a big like come and try the coffees this is what we can do like sales pitch [ __ ] and uh they were go to the hotel we stopped in at McDonald's and he had a man bag on and H one of the girls was going look at this POF he's man bagging that I'm going [ __ ] shut up and these two big guys and they're massive they handled it better than I did I was like [ __ ] off and uh bear in mind they've already eating we're waiting to get our food um so as soon as I'm got my food to turn away she's somebody used have bit of a naughty word and I've says [ __ ] off you cow she's tried to attack me I've launched my drink and as I've tried to leave two or three occasions they throwing punches um they're punching me and eventually get away but the media being the media I was a fug a woman beater H all the bad [ __ ] of the day then people start drinking up your past who you're related 2 and it's [ __ ] you're talking front pages you're talking middle Pages you're talking that's still to my name but I had to CCTV for 5 years and H I thought [ __ ] it because see when you know something you've not done anything wrong you don't need to prove it but obviously as time goes on people start try to throw mud that you're a woman be L and that listen if i' [ __ ] done it I said you know what CRA [ __ ] and I had every right to [ __ ] fight back then do you know what I mean because I'm doing well and um if somebody hits you you got right to defend but I done all I could to try and defend myself Pal's punched me she's punched me I was kicked I was spot on I was all the [ __ ] [ __ ] of the day but again the papers went with that thankfully went to court papers uh the judges says he's not [ __ ] done anything it's clear as soon as you go forward to somay you're the instigator um all charges were dropped I didn't get as much as I find but again the papers have still run with women beat a fug but it still kind of follows you along for five years but I had the video but obviously as my career started to progress I thought you know what it's time now to show people this is it I never done for call you know what I mean I've been caught worse in life but it's say that is what it is and it kind of went now it's kind of it's out there I'm not asked about that I was never asked about it anyway but when you start doing well people say oh as a son article he's a woman be this and that but the clips on my Instagram it's on my YouTube James English clears his name it's clear that not on to I throw a punch not once to the pull here I try to defend myself putting my hands up and holding a girl old back and like I say it's handbags it's [ __ ] off it's nothing but again the papers like to roll with the negatives and that when I started to realize I don't really like this either how people because people destroy lives through articles as well it wasn't that extreme but it's still enough to think he's a [ __ ] woman be which I'm not all it takes is a few of those clickbaity horrible nasty words tag lines and all of a sudden you say it enough on repeat people start believing it it's indoctrination but yeah I'm glad you cleared that up thank you the good stuff yeah anything goes with James English the light bold moment what happened just decided I'm going to do a podcast nobody's done them in Scotland not many people were doing it in England and I thought you've always had a gift of the gab James bear in mind I'm coming up to 34 35 34 um it's not as if my time was running out but I started seeing the world differently again I started seeing different patterns I started understanding okay consistency it says you've relapsed twice before you done 9 months You' done two years you need to stay on the path because when you stay on the path big things happen I says I'm going to start a podcast I can talk about my journey my addictions um but even before the first podcast I thought I'm going to be the biggest in the world here I'm going to go all out I'm going to be the biggest in the world it's going to take time it's going to take dedication but it's something I'm willing to do I'm not going to out in this life as a [ __ ] failure had an interview with uh big Steven H radio host Glasgow and that was my first podcast and I just remember okay I found a lane I enjoyed that I felt good after it and ever since then five years ago I've just never looked back so you loved it instantly just loved it I love the interaction I love talking yeah nervous I still get nervous from time to time but and I just know you either fight against the nerves C away or you just own it and you just [ __ ] fly high with them because everybody gets nervous people watching podcast they won't appreciate just how because when I watch them back compared to being right in the thick of them they they're intense is they they're intense I mean we got three cameras 1 two 3 four four big lights in our faces and we're talking about the most intimate stuff has ever happened to us it's it's heavy this is a future but this is what everybody's it's interesting as well so when I started that journey I thought okay I never thought about staying in Glasgow I never thought I thought venture out go England and it felt good when you're traveling and listen I was skin I had no money I had to tap my mom some money for fuel I had to sleep in the car sometimes just to [ __ ] get by because we were try and squeeze in two three interviews around that area of leads Manchester cuz I couldn't afford to go home and then come back down so we're trying and squeeze in two three in that day so I've got something because I would release one every Sunday at 10:00 a.m. and H the wheels just started moving again you still get hit with success comes hate comes negativity people shoting he's a grass he's this he's that the [ __ ] you talking about I've never grassed anybody in my life and H I'm only [ __ ] interviewing people but the hate comes with that but then I'd already tasted that through the gym and then I CH tested it through glow and then it just the hate just started bouncing off me I just started [ __ ] that man nobody stops me in my life but me nobody fails but me people would write negative comments he's been in a jail he's a woman beater he's done this he's done that he's related to this again it just all bounced off me I became Fearless with it I started doing two a week and I done [ __ ] this man I'm going to be the biggest in the UK I'm there's no stopping me I'm going to take it to levels that only people could dream of it's not just about podcas to show people a blueprint of making changes to better their life to kick on and understanding you don't need to just settle off your life no matter if you're in your tens or your 70s you can always do something new so I be in mind I'm in the middle of my 30s it was tough as well though you constantly try to get the views and try to become an interviewer be in mind I've never done any sort of media training I'm just a Scottish guy Fick accent I'm trying to slow that down not swear as much trying not over over over talk and get excited as well because you're sitting next to a guest that you like then I cammed it all down and my job is easy do you know what I mean people think oh he's a great listener it's not just because I've ran out of [ __ ] to say I could only guide the story and let the guest talk and then it becomes easy for me just a simple why or how they can then set them off for another 10-minute tangent and then I started to understand people then I started to understand every single emotion everyone in my podcast is all one take there's no notes there's no bullshits I look them straight now boom we're on that's it that's me switching on for that moment there I'm switched on there's no pain there's no misery up here all the pain all the pressure goes away so as soon as I'm in that interview I'm invested when interview is done [ __ ] me it's a different ball game you're drained you're taking in the emotions you're hearing people being abused you're hearing kids getting killed you're hearing [ __ ] some dark stuff mothers prisons quite dark do you know what I mean but my job is not to glorify the guest my job is not to pass judgment my job is not to try and bring them down and people shout challenge them this and that that's not my job my job is to let people tell things from their side of story no matter what they are no matter what they believe in no matter what religion no matter what color they are what age they are no matter what they've done in their life my job is just to let them tell their story whether they're bullshitting or not that's down people will find that out whether you you don't believe in what they say that's good that's down to you my job is only to guide that so you get an understanding of the guest and that's what then makes it easier for people to get a picture there so many guests come on that people don't like and end up going he's actually all right but you understand humans you understand we're not bad people we're good we just do bad [ __ ] in certain circumstances just [ __ ] [ __ ] is up in life and I always say this but every gangster every bad man I've interviewed or every prisoner everyone was bu their abused younger what chance you got when you [ __ ] feel as if you've no hope or no life or no understanding and a lot of these people come on and want to change as well and I respect that that's why I'll give majority of people a chance some people come on they [ __ ] idiots I'm not D I know a lot of people around the UK who I've got a lot of big connections all around the world now but people my job is only to guide the story it's not a pass judgment or challenge or shout that's not what my podcast about about anything goes come on tell your story and have some [ __ ] fun with it and we take it on a journey like I said it's been a journey all right did you always plan that it was going to be gangsters porn stars yeah crime sales I was doing other podcast and the biggest hitters was a crime right so I stayed in that lane because I'm a nobody I've not got the big media following I'm a kid from Glasgow was in a crack Dan [ __ ] five years ago I've not got the money behind me and I've not got all that I'm in my mom's house with two [ __ ] cameras a couple of microphones that was it so my work has been a steady progress from day one to now I never had that luxury I had to get the criminals and then once you start getting other criminals you start building a relationship with them they get you the other criminals and then it just works like wildfire I became a trusted interviewer nobody ever get [ __ ] over not to this [ __ ] day that's not what I'm about everybody's got an element of trust because I struggle with trust but if you can build a build some trust and go you know what he's actually decent so I built up this network my phone book the names that I've got in my phone book would [ __ ] blow people's minds not just gangsters I'm talking about some serious people some [ __ ] Mega names what alist names from the the radio host to now it's been unbelievable but it was just all more consistency learning my craft do not break James do not fold no matter what gets through you and I've proved that over the years I've never broke I've never folded sometimes it gets to you and a lot of pressure comes with it because you want to succeed and then you start making a living from it but the first three years I was in the red I was in debt with with it traveling and try to get Podcast andever stayed onedimensional in Glasgow I traveled went to [ __ ] Liverpool went to leads went to Manchester Newcastle next went to London now I've got a studio in London then I've went to America it's just been consistent progression to raise the bar and show man this guy's actually [ __ ] doing it but it's just been a a journey that I've Loved I've found a lane that I've Loved I believe now this is my passion I believe this is what my calling is for what you like to call it but it's just open so many doors I've met so amazing people like yourself it's just the people that I've met and you get excited sometimes but sometimes you forget when you're sitting across from these people that [ __ ] me I used to watch you on the TV 10 years ago and now you're sitting here on my podcast like it [ __ ] feels good I can the kids are looked after now I've retired my mom like the [ __ ] joury just doing a podcast has been unbelievable but I believed in it for the very first one I knew this is it the first time in my life I felt something I felt important because I was off at all I again I tasted what it was like to be off it then I found a lane I thought I ain't [ __ ] backing down I never broke for any interview no matter what guest it is no matter what criticism comes with it not once did a [ __ ] break not once will ever break no matter how successful become and again through the years as I've got successful I've rejected six fig deals six figure deals from alcohol and gambling not a [ __ ] problem I thought about it I go man I'll go home that set the kids up for a bit I can invest in that I thought about it but part of me thought [ __ ] that don't sell yourself because bigger things will happen and should as [ __ ] the halves well they are happening did you see the interview where Rob Moore interviewed Chris Eubank and he was really tricky he obviously wasn't in a good place but he was confrontational he weren't playing ball you couldn't steer him you couldn't guide him in fact you couldn't even reason with him uh and I just watched that interview and thought fair play to this Rob guy Al Rob yeah I thought fair play you are dealing with Chris Eubank there a very serious individual when his prime did you see the interview never I've seen H seen some clips on his Rob's Instagram it's really worth watching it's worth watching and when you said you never buckled uh with a guest it just took me there it was awkward but he done a great job like I tip my hat to Rob more for for what he done there I'd love to have a chat him about that give me a couple of most memorable guests got to see you because I'm sitting youen excluded it's tough mate because I [ __ ] love them all dark funny kind there like it's it's such a hard question because I couldn't just pick one cuz I feel as if I picked one or two I'd be discrediting the other 390 odds because I've Loved everyone and everybody that's come on my show has changed my life everybody that's why I owe everybody something because people are giving me their time for free I'm creating a story and building a business through people's stories people are gaining from it as well with the exposure they get plus they're getting to see a [ __ ] top quality interview and also builds their platforms what they do with that after that is down to them I'm straight on to the next interview I release two a week so for me anybody that comes on I owe something to them every [ __ ] guest every time I had a goal or a milestone I always thank the viewers I thank the G I thank the guests first for coming on and telling the story because without them it doesn't work and also thank the viewers every time I'll put 100 million or 250 million or we just half a billion views in downloads like it's just we got to thank these people people are investing their time into me people are giving me their time to tell their story they're trusting me a lot of first timers are coming on and they're nervous and we take on a j go [ __ ] love that it's like fairy possessions I'm gaining so much from it you know what I mean not just financially but spiritually emotionally I me learning more about myself I cringe watching myself back but it's just all part of the business and I wouldn't [ __ ] change it have you taken any stories home with you that have kept you awake oh yeah all the time man like bab here the hospital kids getting abused doctors abusing them MK Ultra experimenting on the kids the kids um Britain's most evil mom [ __ ] there's just there's so many there's so many hard hting stories and de right Abus for sex just you hear these horror stories like a lot to take in I've got to do it's my job I've got to stay focused like 400 interviews and I've never I've never shed a tear ever I've got to stay on on the job you know what I mean because if I fold I think the whole interview would fold so I need to be strong to I'll go home and it'll play my mind listen I'm all for my kids and my family now I'm in a place where I do anything for them I was a lost soul for many years I was always in out Al life but now I'm my dad now I understand life and what it's all about everything else is second to what family's first no matter where I'm in life have you C off the camera yeah you have little moments certain songs or certain smells but that's not just the stories that I'm hearing that's just think through life because I also wish my dad would have been here because he would have loved this life he would have loved meeting everybody he would have loved [ __ ] me watching me to tell that's what it's about do you know what I mean like he never seen that chased all the all the wrong things in life when I had everything I already had and that was family and if I was in that position to be a football player the old loved that life and seen me spread my wings my dad would have seen the man that he knew I could have been but listen that's the cards I've been dealt I love with it like I say there's people who had worse experiences in me life I've just using my experiences a two of that's not happening again the only person that [ __ ] up like I keep saying is me I'm not breaking I'm not folding only you still get the gambling thoughts the drink FS the drug FS but I know if I do it I've not got another recovery in me if I was ever do it I'm done if you you I mean I know people can't I choose to be addicted to this but if you know you've got an addictive personality then you should really be choosing where you put your energy in and if you're going to become addicted to something at least have some element of control over it which it seems to me like you're doing you you you we call it a journey you're addicted to the journey that you're on but the the end result doesn't result in a come down with Suicidal Thoughts yeah it ends happy mhm and you're still chasing is you yeah I'm still still a chaser this is another form of addiction it's just a healthier one nobody's getting hurt I'm my great dad my great brother a great friend now I choose my friends wisely I'm not a people pleaser anymore I can say no and I'll still help people if I feel as if they deserve it and I feel as if they're worthy of getting help because there's a lot of sharks out there I've experienced it many times but for me it's is just try to live a clean healthier life try to be as honest as I can be a I still talk [ __ ] I still get that D James and me I still like to carry on me and you laugh about the stupid as [ __ ] but that's just again another little form of Defense cuz our life is serious we try to create businesses we're trying to provide the family we're trying to do the right in life I'm trying to [ __ ] hit away every addiction that I've had every day not as much every day but the thoughts come Christmas time summer time beard Gardens Christmas is tough as well everybody's out Christmas night's out but I just go a night out and I smoke bomb after two hours I go home maybe get a bit of food and I just sit myself sit with me my dog big Yogi you've beat all that your life's going great but doesn't necessarily make me happy every day I still struggle I still have really down days where I think [ __ ] tired today but I know we only got a short period of time on this planet to achieve something I was always chasing to be a tough man when I was a weak man but now everything I'm doing everything right staying out of trouble trying to be a good guy that's a tough guy I know billionaires who are miserable so if you're working a 95 job that's okay as well if you're providing for your family that's okay as well as long as you're try to do the right things just don't [ __ ] yourself don't [ __ ] fter if you're drinking taking drugs gambling go and get help yeah 100% Amen to that if you could watch only one person for the foreseeable future would you choose Andrew tght or Jordan Peterson it's a tough one because I know band do well know what I mean um I have to say when when Andrew is promoting about the mindset masculine I was I would go for I would have to go for Andrew when that mindset I don't like the multiple girls I don't like all that [ __ ] I don't like the flash cars and stuff as well because I believe that's on an illusion I can have old them it's not as if I'm saying it because I've not got it I can have all that life and I'm not a flash guy on social media I drive a nice car I've got a nice watch but that's not what it's all about because it makes people unworthy or inadequate when everybody's got something in them because there's people out there who can still have an amazing life and and not have much there's people out there who do people who Feed the Homeless these people are saving lives every [ __ ] day but if not to get a pot to piss in themselves do you know what I mean you don't need that private life lifestyle to make as if make out as if you're doing something but if it was the pick between you two it's got to be Andrew all day long two more questions in any time man what does the future hold for you be number one on the planet be the number one interview on the plan whether that's doing podcast or whatever it is and uh and leaving a blueprint for people to make changes that's important for me to just because I'm doing this life it doesn't mean I was probably more happier sometimes [ __ ] up even though my life is going good because with this life becomes extra pressure becomes extra hate becomes more responsibilities when you're in that life for misery you have no responsibilities because only person you care about is yourself now I care about other people now I care about my kids my mom my dog my sister my brother in-law my nephew I want to make sure that we're all okay I'm trying to set things up so we all eat well from the same table but could you see yourself shifting over into journalism I don't think so I've been offered money through for TV and radio and I've rejected just like the I just feel I Don't Want to Lose Myself whatever I'm doing is working and they couldn't afford me if I'm honest they don't get the numbers that I get TV is failing TV's is an old business podcast is a future I was thinking more of a I think you make a really really good independent journalist yeah well I've got my media company I do own documentaries I've got a couple of big documentaries coming 2024 I've kind of fail away from that because I seen the success the podcast was coming I seen the lane and I've seen the money that can be made from it and I've stuck to it but I've not forward but I still miss the documentary feel I miss the AAS and the homeless documentary I miss that creating something like we don't go off scripts I go off this where to fill them what get who to get on every guest I book I book all my guests I book all my travel I don't write the qu I just everything's here it's a mad mind um but it works and I don't like to change it because it's h i just think about leveling up and that's where I took the steps to America to then prove that I'm one of the best if not the best and you're going to pursue America yeah I'm going to take over it people say oh but you've got criminal convictions my convictions were never for um drugs or serious assaults or M do you know what I mean [ __ ] driving the fanes plus it was over 10 years ago so people think oh it's not I tell the truth it's not know what I mean so people are weird that way as well because I was in America people yeah this and that America like you in with convictions as long as it's not [ __ ] M drugs I think fraud so I'm sweet and they're going to like you over there yeah they're going to like you over there a lot yeah I just went there we've done 15 16 amazing interviews which is going to be released and for me that's the first time in a while I felt good again I feel as if it was always on the back burnd to go in America but lockdown kind of [ __ ] that and opened up again in July so I thought okay it's time now to pull the trigger and proove your worth but again who Am I who am I proving to nobody [ __ ] cares I thought it was a number one interview in the world from the first episode this is my belief system people go [ __ ] you bastard this and that you're not H is better than you that's your opinion my opinion I'm the best on this planet it's as simple as that so no matter what anybody says that's down to you I believe in me when you're low self-esteem and low confidence for so [ __ ] many years find a lane believe in yourself again why you try and crush somebody you know what I mean if you're not going to say anything nice don't say [ __ ] all at all but for me I love the negative [ __ ] as well that's why I thrive the most chaos negativity try to prove people wrong it's not the right thing to do but it's kept me in good stad to keep raising the bar to show people okay I'll sit back I don't I don't really you know yourself like we have deep conversations but my cards are still kept close to the chest because action is just as important as speaking it and I'll prove it and then I'll go okay I told you so I canvert for that as well I won't hear certain things for sometimes months and then you say and I thought I suspected he was up to something yeah I suspected something was going on there and then bam until you've done it you won't announce it it's a final question then because everyone knows what you do who is James English um it's a good question but I don't know I feel as if I'm misunderstood as well I'm still trying to work that well that out as well if I'm honestly um but the things I'm doing now I believe I'm a good guy I try and do the right things I'm still out for myself which I always tell you I'm out for myself to provide for me and my family that works first that's my number one plan but it's just I'm a man I sto Mysteries well I'm still quite a private guy I get off to I offer to do podcasts every other day I don't because I get embarrassed as well sometimes I don't feel as if I'm at that level to give my story but I feel as if I'm at that stage now where I can I've got a bit inspiration to leave because I've got I've left the blueprint but for me I'm still trying to work it out I'm still confused with it sometimes I feel as if what I'm doing is just a big lie a big fraud I don't feel good enough I feel like a failure I look at my life and think you're just pretending because you're still not happy but it's just it's a confusing thing as well life nobody's got it figured out and I always tell people this no matter if you're a billionaire or homeless man or who you are everybody I've interviewed the one thing everybody's got in common is that nobody's got a clue what the [ __ ] is going on just find your path do the right thing for you and your family and that's everything else becomes second nature a lot of people are lost through mental health and addiction you don't need to be that way I just want people to know that you can change and for me is to try and leave a blueprint for people to make changes for the guy who I was to what I'm doing now it's totally night and day but I do struggle sometimes I do still battle with the demons up here but I just know I'm strong enough to keep kicking on and just try to be a better person I still get angry I still get upset I still tell people to [ __ ] off but that's life but for me stay focused try and stay blessed appreciate what I've done and just [ __ ] keep raising the bar for me I think you're a heavyweight motivator I think you're a huge inspiration I'm a fan as well as a friend and I hope you don't just conquer America and I mean this with every fiber of my be and I hope you conquer the world and I can't thank you enough for coming on today man yeah I always love you I love you bro listen I'm proud of you as well man keep smashing it I know you're at the start your journey but you know I'm always at the sidelines any time you ever need me I'm there brother as I am for you man cheers brother I Lov you appreciate that

Channel: Liam Tuffs

Views: 228,612

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Id: eAPsvTBWnPc

Length: 117min 48sec (7068 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 24 2023