We don't always
have enough time to cover all of the recent news,
so, here, with a recap is "Late Night" writer Amber Ruffin
in a segment we call "Amber Says What." ♪♪ -You guys,
things have been crazy! Okay, first of all, I found out
that there isn't gonna be a big, fat
Emmy ceremony this year. And I was like, "What?!" They were like, "We are still
not gathering in large groups." And I was like, "What?!" I miss people! Then, they were like,
"This is good for you, Amber, because you're not gonna
be able to get drunk and act a fool
in a formal gown." And I was like, "What?! You can't tell me what to do." Then, Donald Trump bragged
about passing a cognitive test and I was like, "What?!" Do you think they give
those to everybody? They give them to people
who are losing their dang minds. This is like you bragging
you took a sobriety test. If you weren't swerving
all over the place, you wouldn't have to identify
shapes and animals. Tsk.
You wanna impress me? Spell cognitive. The test is too easy. Look, I'll take it right now. Idiot. I passed! Then, a megachurch pastor
in Atlanta suggested that, instead of saying
white privilege, that people should say
white blessing and I was like, "What?!" White blessing?! You mean my nickname
for Anderson Cooper? White blessing?! You mean the stripper
from Tina's bachelorette party? White blessing?! Sounds like the nastiest
sex move. Then, I read a story
about how a Black man carried a Black Lives Matter
counterprotester to safety and I was like, "What?!" But the makers
of "The Green Book" were like, "What?! We had better get
to writing this story from the perspective
of the man who was carried!" You know what they're gonna
call that movie, don't you? Then, I found out there
was gonna be a professional
women's soccer team in Los Angeles, with Serena Williams
and Natalie Portman as investors and I was like, "What?! Hurray!" I'm gonna find out
when auditions are and prepare
a dramatic monologue. Then, my friend told me it's
not auditions, it's tryouts, and you don't prepare
a monologue. You play the sport. And I was like,
"Okay, fine, but, I'm still gonna wear a gown." Speaking of sports,
I found out about the NBA bubble and I was like, "What?!" Because -- and the thing
about the NBA bubble is it's a metaphorical bubble
in a physical -- -Amber, you don't have
to talk about that. -Yay! Then, I saw that people
are circulating a petition to replace Confederate statues
with statues of Dolly Parton and I was like, "What?!" Now, that's what I call
a white-centered solution. No shade to Dolly, but,
if slave owners get replaced with anything less Black
than Malcolm X, I will freak the [bleep] out. Then, Ivanka Trump was like,
"Eat these beans!" And I was like, "What?! No!" Then, Obama
and Joe Biden sat down for a socially distanced
conversation and I was like, "What are you doing, sitting so far
away from each other?" Is it six feet or sixty feet? Obama, are you trying
to distance yourself from Biden? That's not gonna work 'cause he
mentions you in every sentence. Then, infectious disease
expert Dr. Anthony Fauci threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals'
Opening Day and I was like, "What are you doing playing catch?!" You had better get inside
and take care of America! I'm walking around
with a cut-up sock on my face and you are at recess? Get inside and do something! Then, I saw the pitch
and felt better because it was clear he didn't
waste any time practicing. Then, Marco Rubio posted
a picture of him and the late
Congressman John Lewis, but it was actually
a picture of him and the late
Congressman Elijah Cummings and I was like, "What?!" Do you think that all
of us look alike? By "us," I mean, people
who don't like you. Then, I heard
that Jennifer Hudson is gonna play Aretha Franklin
in a new biopic and I was like --
[ Gasp ] ♪ Just a little what,
just a little what ♪ ♪ What it to me, what it to me,
what it to me, what it to me ♪ Then, the most confusing thing
in the world happened. Okay, Trump was gonna
give a speech and he had these
two trucks there, a blue one with a bunch
of weight in the bed and a sign that said... ...and then, a red one,
with no weights, that said... I guess it was supposed
to represent how free Republicans are. Look, I think it's nuts and it brings us
to a segment called "Amber Says Why." ♪♪ You wanted to make some point about how regulations
weigh you down and this is how
you chose to do it?" Why? Why this? Why did someone do this and what
is the this that they did? What's the point of this,
to prove it could be done? Why? Why did someone do this? What was the desired effect? Laughter, pride, shame, what? What is this, a dare?! What? Why?! Why is this happening
and what is what is happening? Why this?
This, why?! Why did this happen
and why did you let someone take pictures of it
while it was happening? Did you know
this was gonna be public? Was it meant to be private? Did you know
that people can see this? I can see this! Where did this idea come from, a dream, a threat? Where?! Did this happen
against your will or was this exactly
what you wanted? And, if so, why is this
a want that you have? [ Clapping ]
Why are your wants bad? Don't you want good?
Why?! Did a dumb person tell you
this was not dumb or -- and this is
what I think happened -- did a smart person who hates you
tell you this was not dumb? Who lied?! How many people had to lie for this to take place,
one, 100? Did you think that this was
what someone wanted done and who are they
and are they okay? In closing, why?! This has been "Amber Says What
& Then She Says Why." ♪♪
